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Author Topic: My Story My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!

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My Story My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
OP: January 09, 2020, 03:24:51 PM
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11185.0

There are still tears, but mostly good days!  Still an Iffer, but hoping for Reconciliation at some point.

A few small observations.  My h has been single for a few months now.  During this time he has slowly grown towards the children and is polite to me.

On Tuesday he was in the house for 2 1/2 hours with the kids and he looked at my chest at least 3 times, so I’m thinking single life is not currently resulting in his “needs” being met. 

He texted to ask if I wanted a treadmill today.  His friend an hour away is getting rid of it.  We will see if he makes the drive which would be 2 hours total, but he did offer.

Also, he is going to Coach s12 b-ball.  So that is good.  He used to be all about coaching the kids sports.  So positive movement.

I just got the PBS channel for the month and am going to watch Period Dramas(my favorite) this evening and do laundry!  Uhm, the best kind of night! 

He did take the tree away the other evening, but it was interesting to watch.  He lost his patience getting the screws from the stand off, I offered to finish unscrewing it and it was fine.  He has no patience at all.  Still, I’m thankful he helps out some.
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« Last Edit: January 09, 2020, 03:26:53 PM by Finding Joy »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

S
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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#1: January 09, 2020, 05:01:37 PM
Finding -
So happy that your H is spending time at the house, and doing things for you.
I'm sure that he's missing your physical relationship.
Remember, they return to the animals, kids then home before they reconnect with you.

Keep doing what you're doing.
It seems to be working for you.

Sea
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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#2: January 09, 2020, 08:19:07 PM
HHAHAHAHAHAHAH, he looked at your chest at least three times....... that means he looked at your chest at least six times... most likely more like ten.


This is good  ;D

One step at a time, right FJ?

Attaching.

-SS
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W - 38
M - 42
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#3: January 10, 2020, 09:49:34 AM
Hi Sea and SS!  It made me laugh too SS!

Journaling-Today is d14’s 15th Birthday.  She is the most like my h, rather than process her grief, she avoids it.  She won’t let anyone in.  So I am concerned she will repeat her father and grandmothers behavior if she avoids working through her issues. 

So my h for the last couple of months will text her he loves her, but she never responds.  Today he texts me asking when is a good time to call to wish her a Happy Birthday. I asked her and she said I won’t answer.  I text him to go ahead and call anytime, but she does not intend to answer.

He said, I don’t understand that, I am still her father.  I said, that is true, but actions have consequences and you raised her to have a certain set of values that you are no longer living by. 

I told him she feels like he has not been a father to her since before the deployment.  He said, no matter what happens, I will always be there for her.  I said, I hope you will, but the reality is you can only be there to a certain extent as we will not likely live near you unless we reconcile.

The place I am considering is four hours from where he is likely to be stationed for three years.  We will be closer to my family and can live a better quality of life there.  Still 1 1/2 years before that move.

Anyways, I’m glad he cares more and more.  He needs to actually realize that he in fact will likely live at least four hours from his kids if he follows through with this, and that is while he is stationed in TX, every other duty station is at least a 12 hour drive.

So at best once a month visits.  Anyways, I think he believes eventually everything will be fine between him and his kids.  The truth is, unless they live with him, they will hardly know him because of the distance.  He’s not exactly a Dad that calls to tuck them in bed each night.


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Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#4: January 10, 2020, 10:20:57 AM
My word, FJ, you dealt with that well. Respecting your daughters right to feel how she feels and just calmly saying how it is to your h. It's funny but I think they see Father as a job title in some way, and rather more about what they are owed than what they give perhaps. When of course it is a relationship not a role, as all great LBS parents know all too well, built in all the small moments of life. When I remember my dad now, often it is the smallest moments that are most vivid....working in the garden together, a chocolate cake made for his birthday, him showing me how to change a tyre or teaching me to swim, jokes and little shared traditions. Lots and lots of small moments.

I guess your h will have to work out what kind of Father he wants to be....
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#5: January 10, 2020, 10:29:35 AM
Very well done..... kind, yet firm. Some reality for him to chew on too.

I think small pokes that that are very good for the MLC'er. Not too much, but not too weak. He can mull it over and hopefully think.

-SS
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W - 38
M - 42
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#6: January 10, 2020, 05:19:40 PM
Treasur- So true!  He is missing out on their lives in most ways.  The everyday events are where the little things happen!

SS-I’m taking a different approach than this forum suggests.  I’m living my life according to my values.  I do right by my husband and kids.  I’m not walking on eggshells or trying to wear kid gloves with him.  While I prefer reconciliation, he either wants me as I am or not(not to say I’m not growing)  I guess what I’m saying is, I’m going to live my life and do what I believe is right, regardless if I think it will bring him closer or further from me.  I do try to be kind and polite, but ultimately he needs to try to win me back.  He left.  He is in the wrong, so I guess I’m just not willing to play this sort of game.  He needs to prove he is worthy of me if he ever wants me back. 

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Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#7: January 10, 2020, 11:41:28 PM
So any progress that has been made in my view is gone.  It is the middle of the night where I live and it has been a rough one.  My s5 woke up laughing in hysteria with a high fever.  I kept calling my husband to see if he would take him into the hospital, but he did not bother to answer.  I texted him that it is an emergency.  Nothing.

It’s been a long while, but I got the fever down and s5 seems ok.  I think h is with another women tonight.  He had plans at some event on the beach, but when I texted him later, I got no response and now in the middle of the night, again no response.  I had texted because some of the kids were going to stay with him because d15 is having a sleepover and wanted privacy, but none of them wanted to go.  Anyways, I’m calling it.  He’s a complete and utter pig.  You cannot be a good father if you are putting yourself first and you cannot really be a good father if you are not present(by choice). 

I’ve tried to have compassion, but being as I am fallible my compassion is finite and so it is instead needed for my children, because they have a father who is a complete and utter idiot.
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Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#8: January 10, 2020, 11:58:15 PM
I'm so sorry. Is your boy ok now?

I wouldn't bother speculating even though you are probably right.
It doesn't matter. What matters is that he is currently a father who is not available for emergencies regarding his children. Par for the course, but shame on him.

I guess all you can do is ensure that you have a back up system for any future emergencies that does not involve him. If you wish you could challenge him on it and establish some kind of protocol I suppose, but honestly it would probably just be easier to say to yourself 'ok, that is the kind of father you are' and expect nothing else. See yourself as a single parent with an occasional guest dad who shows up and pays some bills. But i am so sorry. It isn't easy to respect these kind of folks is it?
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#9: January 11, 2020, 12:06:11 AM
Treasur-He seems to be ok now.  I cannot sleep and am keeping a watchful eye.  My mind was not really clear at the time. H has been so good lately, since his break up that my first thought was to call him.  I didn’t even think about my awesome neighbors.  We have babysat their kids several times in the middle of the night for ER visits and they would be glad to return the favor. 

I have extra kids here tonight and so I was not comfortable leaving unless I absolutely had to.  This single parent thing is not easy.  Sometimes I’m still so perplexed that this is all real.  That he is this person now. 

My natural optimism takes over and I think it will just keep getting better and better, but if this forum is any indication, that is rare.
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« Last Edit: January 11, 2020, 12:09:33 AM by Finding Joy »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#10: January 11, 2020, 12:28:11 AM
Completely understandable reaction, FJ. It is frightening to see a small child suddenly very ill and understandable to go into a kind of automatic 'normal' mode like that. I still remember my m telling me about when i had febrile convulsions as a toddler and was hospitalised (she was a nurse but my father was on an overseas posting in Aden, so she was on her own)....she said it was the most frightened and alone she'd ever been.

I don't know if your h's behaviour will improve - from stories here, they cycle and some do get worse for a while and pull further away - but what does get better is your ability to cope and adapt. So your optimism is warranted.....you get better, the kids get better, other folks step in and up, your expectations change....regardless of what he does. They compartmentalise heavily I think, a kind of out of sight out of mind where in their heads they are 'single and unattached' folks usually hanging around with new similar friends who see them that way. But still I'm sorry and you must feel exhausted. Can you do anything to catch up on your sleep today? (Life always feels harder when we are short on sleep)
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#11: January 11, 2020, 06:34:28 AM
FJ -
I'm glad that S5 seems to be on the mend from that scary event.
I'm sorry that your H was not there for you -- or for S5.
You're right, it is so sad that they can't even put their children as a priority.

Take care of both of you today -- your kids, of course, but don't forget to give yourself some kindness and lovel
You're an amazing mom -- just remember that.

Sea
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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#12: January 11, 2020, 09:41:52 AM
Treasur-Too true!  Middle of the night thoughts always seem more emotional.  I appreciate that you were around!  Sometimes this is a lonely walk!

Sea-I appreciate that!  It was a scary night.  S5 was acting so weird and was burning up.  In the light of day it feels more manageable.

Journaling-So lets just say I did not hold back last night with my h.  He didn’t answer my texts or calls and I looked at it as further betrayal and him leaving me alone in the hard moments.

I was not the good LBS that held her tongue and rationally realized he is not worth my words.  I told him that if he is sleeping with someone and ignoring my calls I never want to see him again.  I told him that when he left, he left me to manage all of the goods and bads alone and that I keep trying to forgive him and give him space to heal, but that he is making a conscious choice to run from his family regardless of the consequences.  Amongst many other middle of the night emotionally driven words.   

This morning around 6am he called and texted.  I ignored it.  Around 10am he kept calling and I texted him back.  He said his phone was in the other room on vibrate last night.

He apologized.  I did not let him off the hook.  He does seem remorseful and he should be.  He should have been here with his family, instead who knows what he was doing.

So this morning he has been all about figuring out what to do as s5’s breathing is shallow and his fever is stubborn and high.  He has not moved or eaten this morning.  I’m thinking possibly the flu.

My h has offered to come over.  I’m not sure I want to see him.  I also do not necessarily buy his story as he was at a big beach event last night.  Trust is hard to earn back.
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Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

S
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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#13: January 11, 2020, 09:48:34 AM
Trust IS hard to earn back.

Is tylenol able to get his fever down?
Might be worth taking to urgent care in the daylight instead of having another event in the middle of night again?

Let us know how he's doing.

Sea
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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#14: January 11, 2020, 09:58:02 AM
Yes, I am doing Tylenol and Ibuprofen rotations as that is what the Dr always say to do, but it doesn’t seem to be enough.

I’ve had him put his feet in a cold bath a couple of times and a cold wash cloth.  My h works at the hospital and he really thinks ER is better than urgent care, but we would need to wait until urgent care closes at 7pm for insurance purposes. 

He really does have a good feel for these things being a Health Care Administration Officer.

I usually let the fever stay unless it is too high to naturally fight the infection, but this time it is aggressive.
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« Last Edit: January 11, 2020, 10:28:11 AM by Finding Joy »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#15: January 11, 2020, 12:33:38 PM
HI FJ....just wanted to check in with you..

How's your boy doing? Sounds like it might be an ER trip if the fever doesn't break?

Glad to hear you ripped you h a new one. Wouldn't worry too much if he is lying or not - the universe has a funny way of exposing the truth with time. If nothing else, it gives your h a sharp reality bite in the you know what that this is what it looks like when you abandon your w and kids. No more worth saying, let him stew on it. Your boy is the priority....take whatever help you need to keep him safe. You're in my prayers x
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#16: January 11, 2020, 02:00:04 PM
Hey Treasur!  Thank you!  He’s the same for now, but the breathing is better.  My h did go to the store for us and did come by to check on him.  He is picking d15 up in a couple of hours(he offered) and coming back.  He did reiterate his story, but I think you’re right.  These are the things that slowly wake them up to who they are being.  So I’ll just leave him to live with himself.

He does care.  For sure he cares now.  Even about my opinion of him.  So progress is slow, but steady.  I’m not sure I can be the personality it takes to make it work again.  I sort of look at it like you’re either worthy of me and us or you’re not.  So he’s got a long way to go to be worthy of us again, but I am trying not to bash him over the head too often.  It’s really hard to zip the lips.
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« Last Edit: January 11, 2020, 02:13:58 PM by Finding Joy »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

F
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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#17: January 12, 2020, 10:23:15 AM
S5 does not have the flu.  He is still feeling ill and maintains a temp, but it is under control now.  My d8 was also sick, but her body fought it off and she is playing today.

I am down and out now, but my hope is it won’t last long.  I put s12 on S5 duty and asked h to come take care of them all after his lunch plans.  My appetite is still strong, It’s just my head, body and fever.  My d15 made me eggs, toast and coffee, so I feel loved. 

Last night was another long night with d5, so it probably wore my immunity down as I don’t typically get sick when they do.

I don’t know what is to come, but I am truly thankful that for the most part I can count on my h.  I don’t even want to know what he does in his personal life at this point, it would only hurt me.

I don’t want to get my hopes up, as it’s still early in January and he has become an extreme procrastinator, but he has not brought up the d again.  He seems to understand it would benefit us all to stay put here for 1 1/2 years, but we will see. 

I want him to hold off for so many reasons.  One of which is, I’m not sure I would take him back if he put us through a D and unnecessarily uprooted us yet again.  We had a convo about a month or two ago.  He said he should have just divorced me last year and I said, when you were crazy.  That would not have gone well.  He seemed to understand that to be true.  Part of the reason I think he is considering waiting is because he knows he cannot love anyone and I have pointed out several times that he shouldn’t make long term decisions right now.

That is when he said, I don’t even like you though.  Such touching words.  It is true though, I have not exactly been a doormat during his MLC.  I think it helped with my healing because I often said what I felt, but it’s not what you are supposed to do as an LBS to draw them to you.

That’s what I mean by, I’m unsure my personality will allow reconciliation.  I like to get to the root of problems and dig until a resolution is reached.  I always put my cards on the table and what you see is what you get.  I’m not good at pretending, I’m genuine.  Outside of MLC those may serve a good purpose, but with an MLC spouse I can come off in a way that leaves a bad after taste.

I have worked on this and tried to keep my opinions to myself.  Also, he avoids confrontation, conflict, and resolutions.  That creates a situation where he is always superficial and I am unable to pretend by making light small talk with a man that has done so much damage.

I know I need to be able to be light and superficial and talk about nothing of importance, but it makes me sick to do so.  I feel like I am living in his dilution that everything is fine and no need to have real conversations.

It’s what makes him so popular with everyone.  It always has been.  He’s fun.  He used to be able to have real conversations when needed(though he put me on a timer).  I’ve always been the type to love to be social, but pair off in 2’s or 3’s and talk about real things.  It goes against my personality to be surface level.  For good or bad. 

Anyways, so many parts of being an LBS and what is supposed to draw them back to us, goes completely against my personality.  So, I don’t know, I’m trying.  I may be more black and white than I realized and that is something he said I was during monster.

To me things are simple.  You live by a moral code.  You try to do right.  You put God first.  You stand by your vows, you fight for your beliefs, you do right by your family.

It’s fine for him to be hurt and lost, but his actions were not fine.  Meaning, he could have handled himself a thousand times better.  At the same time I haven’t lost my mind, so how can I pretend to understand. 

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Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#18: January 12, 2020, 11:28:32 AM
Glad to hear that your son is lightly better, FJ.

I'm not sure about this 'act prettily' thing. I don't think pretending to be something you don't want to be is good for anyone....but I also don't think there is an LBS exam and not all LBS whose marriages survived it did that Stepwird Wife/husband thing imho.

Maybe it is more about not adding damage?

I think the not saying stuff is more about limiting the damage to you, seeing what is a waste of energy and assessing the limitations of what you own and what you don't. That bit is maybe about evolving from a situation that forces us to adapt perhaps?

If someone says they don't like me and feels that is ok to feel and say,  not sure it is my job to change their mind lol. It probably is my job to a) not punch them in the face and b) not beat myself up more than I have to and c) behave like a sane decent adult human anyway.  :)
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#19: January 12, 2020, 03:04:30 PM
Treasur-Yes, it seems like all of the advice is be a perfect LBS, be quiet, be nice when they are ugly..etc.  Don’t get me wrong, I can see how that would draw someone back.  It’s just, it feels like in reality what is being said is, don’t be You, be who they want.  If you disagree bite your tongue. 

I can see that we don’t want to expose ourselves to further pain and the rules are there for a reason.  I guess I’m trying to figure out how to move forward with him around more. 

I just need to keep it very casual, because we are not together, but that is difficult for me.  The good news is that means I deal with my own baggage and don’t let it pile up, the bad news is, I may not be as good at just letting things sit and marinate allowing time to bring a conclusion.

That is what MLC needs.  Patience, time, holding your tongue....
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« Last Edit: January 12, 2020, 03:05:54 PM by Finding Joy »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#20: January 12, 2020, 04:29:18 PM
FJ,

You sound like me. I struggle with the exact same thing. I have those conversations with myself. I wrestle with this impossible conundrum of how to respect and honor myself and my needs and how to not push to far.

I have completely and fully given up on this idea of “luring” the MLCer back to a marriage by pretending to be something or someone I’m not.
If you don’t actually like me, that’s fine, I want to be wanted.

H knows where the door is and he can leave at any time.

I have settled some things by asking myself what was my need to say this particular thing or express this particular thought or emotion or information. So in that respect I do say and convey less.
I have also begun to create space for H to talk and just be listened to....basically so I can practice my “not fixing” skills....which are pretty bad.

I splurged and got the DBT book.....that actually has a ton of really useful techniques to give myself time and space to be clear about what I say and don’t say.

But what I hear you talk about is how hurt you are at the unmet expectations you have of him as a father. Does that feel true to you?

Your H said he doesn’t like you.....H doesn’t like you doing what?  Being the parent he isn’t? Not allowing him to stay in his delusions?  Being realistic and practical? Showing him an example of what he should be doing? Not making it easy or cozy or fun to desert your family?
Yeah.....he probably doesn’t like that at all.

But not like you......ha ha ha that’s laughable.....he chased you around....proposed to you....married you and spent time with you and created a family with you.

When s15 was small and had to take a nap when he didn’t want to he declared very defiantly that he didn’t like me either. It was irrelevant to the subject at hand and he has since recovered quite nicely. 🤣

He could be projecting to....maybe he doesn’t like how he sees himself when compared to you.

After all you are everything he isn’t right now. You are strong and courageous, you speak your truth, you know yourself and trust yourself and your ability to handle difficult things to confront them and not run away from them.

Show FJ some compassion, she doesn’t have to make any decisions tonight while she is sick and emotional. She needs rest, and love, some chicken noodle soup and a couple bottles of Lysol.

Whatever your H decides to do....you already have a plan for that.  You already know you can and will survive it and thrive. And your know your choice right now is one of being able to say with dignity and pride that I did everything I knew to do and to try....so no matter what happens I refuse to have regrets about this. Life handed me a tough situation and I honored myself and my own moral code and I didn’t let someone else’s behaviors change that.

I hope you get a little rest and the fever abates.
((((Hugs)))))
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H 36
S15
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#21: January 12, 2020, 05:11:18 PM
Hello,

I hope your son is feeling better and you as well. Life is hard as it is and if you are anything like me, when the kids were ill, I was really struggled. I felt so helpless and just wanted them to feel better. I could take being sick myself, but my kids- no.

Quote
Journaling-So lets just say I did not hold back last night with my h.  He didn’t answer my texts or calls and I looked at it as further betrayal and him leaving me alone in the hard moments.

I was not the good LBS that held her tongue and rationally realized he is not worth my words.  I told him that if he is sleeping with someone and ignoring my calls I never want to see him again.  I told him that when he left, he left me to manage all of the goods and bads alone and that I keep trying to forgive him and give him space to heal, but that he is making a conscious choice to run from his family regardless of the consequences.  Amongst many other middle of the night emotionally driven words.   

There are times to be the perfect LBS and time to chuck a good truth dart. Your h was not on duty, nor was he out on maneuvers. Instead, he was AWOL from his family. If he had been at home with his family, there would not be a need to have the phone on.

He had a lame excuse and and you gave him a well deserved punch in the nose. Remember, you can validate their feelings, but not nor should anyone, excuse poor actions.

Quote
I have completely and fully given up on this idea of “luring” the MLCer back to a marriage by pretending to be something or someone I’m not.
If you don’t actually like me, that’s fine, I want to be wanted.

Great concept. Always be in a place where you are desired. There has been a lot of discussion regrading self focus and working on yourself. I want to be clear. It is not about making changes to make yourself more desirable to the MLCer. It is to take specific actions for yourself to thrive. For example, getting your teacher certificate is self-improvement. You are not doing it for him, but for you and your family. It is an intentional and deliberate action to respond to your situation.

Bottom line, I would be thrilled if your H wakes up and does his own work to improve as a man. As a veteran, I support our troops and understand the stress and trauma from combat. I would like to see your marriage make it for him just as much as you.

However, in the end, you are responsible for yourself and your children. Your choice and your life. The most liberating realization of the LBSer is when they realize that they have control and just like the MLCer, they can make a choice too.

That's your ace in the whole my friend. Get well.

((((Hugs)))

Ready

However, I
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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#22: January 12, 2020, 06:36:20 PM
Courage, There is a lot of truth that I am mostly upset with him for hurting our children.  For not being an example to them.  I mean for myself as well, but you know how it is when someone is hurting your kids.

Ultimately, I am me.  I need to work on myself like every other person, but my primary make up is set. I am who I am and I accept myself and find my validation and worth in Christ, not my h.  So I do feel the need to try to change some things because he is in MLC and our relationship demands it, but ultimately he either wants me or he doesn’t.  That option will not always be on the table, it has an expiration date. 

I should say, I am the grownup version of who I was when we married.  My dreams, goals and aspirations have not changed.  My personality has not changed.  He however has changed significantly over the years.  The military has changed him.  So he very well may not like what I stand for or who I am.  I’m not complicated.  God is first and then family.  Right now our values do not align.

I guess I just need to go with my gut at any given moment and not second guess myself.

Ready-The sickness does seem to be ongoing.  Currently d8 is back down for the count, myself and s5, but my older kids and even h have helped out.  Thankfully I got some energy earlier and cleaned up as things get bad quickly when a Mom gets sick.

I guess the issue at hand is I want to find a balance.  Don’t do anything that will push him away further or cause this to last longer, but also respect myself and protect my children.

Journaling-My h has somewhat redeemed himself the last couple of days with some small acts.  He did offer to go to the store and just brought some things by.  Interesting enough he only acknowledges that the kids are sick because they are why he is helping out, not his devotion to me.

But, ultimately as all LBSers know, for the most part whatever struggle comes up, the kids and I need to handle it on our own.  He is rarely around, but he is here more than he used to be.
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« Last Edit: January 12, 2020, 06:54:32 PM by Finding Joy »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#23: January 12, 2020, 10:27:08 PM

I guess the issue at hand is I want to find a balance.  Don’t do anything that will push him away further or cause this to last longer, but also respect myself and protect my children.

Journaling-My h has somewhat redeemed himself the last couple of days with some small acts.  He did offer to go to the store and just brought some things by.  Interesting enough he only acknowledges that the kids are sick because they are why he is helping out, not his devotion to me.



That is the hard part isn't it..... not causing further damage, yet looking out for your own best interests too. That has to be so much more difficult with kids, and that super powerful mom instinct.

Really feel for ya FJ........ and that devotion to you..... why do we have to be last? Totally unfair. We should be the 1st to be trusted as we are the most trustworthy. Hard to square isn't it? And hurtful.

-SS
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Together 24 years, M 21
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BD - 27th April 2019

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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#24: January 13, 2020, 08:24:22 AM
Standing, the more positive side of me wants to believe that this happens because they view us as a part of themselves and they hate themselves.  However, that’s a stretch for me to believe.  It is very odd to go from being their most important person to nothing.  Or even hate from them.

Journaling

The littles are currently in the car with me.  We dropped off s12 at school and now d15 is taking Dual Enrollment testing at the college.  The littles are still sick and I’m feeling horrible.  Thankfully they are sleeping as we wait here for at least an hour.  If d15 passes this testing she will start college courses in 2 weeks.  She is a freshmen in High School(though technically she has the credits of a Junior) and so I’m not sure how I feel about her exposure to freshmen in college.  Actually, I don’t like it.

She is determined to graduate next year and hopes to have all of her college prerequisite courses done.  Depending on the college she ends up at she needs 12-24 hours before she can be accepted into the program that starts 1 time a year. 

She’s really too pretty for her own good in my opinion.  Hopefully the boys leave her alone.  Thankfully she is really focused on her goals versus the boys for now.

Anyways, I have encouraged my kids recently to wait until they are older to focus on the opposite sex.  People change so much in their college years and so in my view waiting to get serious with anyone until you are a bit more formed is ideal.

Just my opinion having met my h at 18 and married at 19.  Interesting enough, I pretty much knew who I was at that age, but my h who is 3 1/2 years older needed some years to grow up.  To figure out who he was.  Because who I married is not who he ended up being even outside of MLC.  Some of that was for the better and some was most definitely not.  Then again, I may have needed to wait 5 years from now before I married him😉

My d15 started a drivers ed class online.  So here in the next month I will have to teach her to drive...
She does not want her Dad involved. 

Anyways, the incident the other night when my h didn’t answer his phone has helped me disengage again.  It’s easy to get sucked back in when they seem somewhat normal.  I need to keep moving forward.

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« Last Edit: January 13, 2020, 08:31:29 AM by Finding Joy »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#25: January 13, 2020, 10:14:50 AM
Finding Joy -

I do hope that you all are feeling healthier soon.
Try to get rest and restore yourself.

Your D15 sounds bright and motivated.
That will serve her well.
She has a good mom, so she will keep her head straight on her shoulders...
You're a great influence on her.

Sea
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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#26: January 14, 2020, 10:01:07 AM
Thank You Sea!  I appreciate your words!

Journaling-When my husband left for deployment my 5 year old was 1 1/2, 8 year old 4, 12 year old 8 and 15 year old 11.

I remember half way through he cut off contact, but would post pictures on Instagram of him fooling around with friends, men and women.  Some of the pictures were inappropriate with him too close to women.  He had started drinking for the first time while over there.

I have personally never had an issue with drinking in moderation as long as you are careful of your choices, but I abstained from it due to my husband’s objections.  So up until a few years ago I did not drink at all in my adult life.

Anyways, too me that shows how conservative he was.  By the time he got home I wondered if he had cheated.  We spent the next two years with me continuing to wonder.  He put his friends first, was secretive, wouldn’t let me in to his world, allowed me to deal with everything, couldn’t really function, wasn’t doing well at work, and at times made horrible decisions. 

For instance he never had Facebook before, but got it and wouldn’t friend me or anyone not military.  That caused major strife.  He eventually friended me, but that is suspicious behavior.  I remember him staying out all night one night with a “study group” for some testing.  Too me that seemed very shady.  All of his behavior combined made me think he may be cheating.

Looking back, I think he wanted too, but had not yet gotten the nerve up.  He was pre bd and needed to go deeper in the tunnel before he actually cheated.

So my kids and I have been dealing with an absentee husband/father for 4 years.  That is a very long time.  I have to say, he needs to get his crap together because that is too long in my view.  My kids need a good role model in their lives and if he refuses to be one there will come a time when someone else will fill that role.

Admittedly I am still sick and grumpy.  Still true though.
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« Last Edit: January 14, 2020, 10:27:58 AM by Finding Joy »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#27: January 17, 2020, 09:20:13 PM
It ended up that we did have the flu.  The littles and I will be a hundred percent in a day or two.  We are up and about, but weak and a bit whiny.  The big kids just got it yesterday.  We have rarely ever gotten the flu, much less all of us, but apparently this years strand is really rough and at both schools heavily.

With the holidays this last couple of months and then needing more help with being sick I realized that my MLCer has/had way too much of a hold on me recently.

Today when he came and got the little kids for his night and asked about everyone’s health except for  mine for the 4th time this week, I realized I need to get some distance.  It’s easy to forget that he doesn’t care anything about me because he is helpful and polite.

It’s all too easy to get sucked back in, and that is not good for me and my well being.  I need to keep my distance and be a polite coparent.  Anyways, sometimes it feels like my heart isn’t salvageable.  Like it will never be healed.  It’s tough having kids together and having to deal with him so often.  Mostly because we are friendly and slowly I let my guard down and then have to be reminded he is the same old heartless MLCer.

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Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#28: January 18, 2020, 02:01:37 AM
I'm glad that you are all feeling better. I can't imagine how hard it must be to be unwell yourself and trying to care for four sick kids at the same time, FJ, although other parents here get it.

It sounds as if, with hindsight, you think your h has been unravelling and disconnecting from you all slowly for three or four years. Not an uncommon realisation here, but I'm sorry bc those years must have been very hard for you as a wife with four young kids and not much tlc or emotional support from your h. Taking off the rose-coloured glasses is not always easy but many people find that looking at things with a clear eye helps. I think you are probably one of those kinds of people fwiw.

I know some people here hate the concept of detachment or think it is the wrong approach to take. I think your situation is a very good example of how finding your own version of detachment is helpful. And less about what you do perhaps but more about your own mindset and how you adapt your expectations to fit new circumstances. Your h may be behaving in a 'helpful/friendly' style....but he is no longer thinking like a h or even a decent friend is he? He is sort of doing some things but not feeling them as he should if that makes sense. It must be quite painful to realise that he has so little concern about you as a person, but it is probably quite accurate right now. Which doesn't make it right, just how it is. Detachment I think is about unhooking how you feel about everything, including yourself, from what you think he feels about anything. So your instinct that you need to adjust how you behave towards him right now sounds like a sensible one to me. That you are essentially at best co-parenting with someone who is more like a superficially polite neighbour who you don't know too well.

I am sorry. And yes, your heart needs protection as you navigate this. Perhaps it will help if you start treating him as if he is already a loosely attached ex-husband and parent? Idk. But i don't believe from anything you have posted here that your heart is not salveagable even if it turns out that your h is not. You have too much heart and too much courage and too much faith for that to be true.
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#29: January 18, 2020, 09:49:18 AM
Treasur, I appreciate those words.  Sometimes it feels like there is no bottom to this, but I do know the way forward is step by step.

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Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#30: January 20, 2020, 07:36:04 AM
Hello,

You are doing just fine. I know how difficult it is to be around the person that you used to love and it is not the same person. You think that if you could do just one thing, their hard heart would melt and things would go back to normal.

Unfortunately, that person is gone. You may never see your H again and may make a deliberate decision not to have him as part of your life. I am not an expert on reconciliation, however the person that emerges from the tunnel will not be your old H. There will be pieces and small reminders, but this will be a different man and you will be a different woman as well. That is why it is like a new relationship and the struggles will be hard as you adjust to each other.

You are a great mother and wife. Take stock in that and move forward. Your H has his demons and until he faces them and defeats them, he is going to stay in the tunnel. Right now, treat him in the role he has assumed in your family- the occasional baby sitter. Think about it, he is not a father nor a husband. He is just some guy that shows up to watch the kids. At the end of the night, you can give him a tip and let him raid the refrigerator if you like.

By ending your expectations of him, you can let your own heart heal and give the love your children need.

(((Hugs))) and know you are doing a fantastic job!

Ready
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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#31: January 20, 2020, 08:46:56 AM
Ready, I am starting to recognize your words to be true!  Yes, he is basically a babysitter and nothing more at this point.  Of course had he applied for the job, I wouldn’t have hired him.

Journaling-So my h did follow through and bring that treadmill and dumb bells.  I am glad to have it.  He left it in a covered area outside and said he would come by today to help bring it inside.  I said we could just do it Tuesday when he comes, but he said today.

A fun little story to get your morning going!  A few years ago we were traveling and stopped off at this restaurant with two little mountain tops painted on the building. 🏔🏔 Thankfully I went inside to check it out before the whole family was herded in.  It turned out those Mountains were of a more unsavory nature😂
 
So imagine my surprise when my sweet innocent 😇 MLCer charged a meal to said place on our joint account.  It didn’t hurt to see it, it made me lose just that much more respect and quite honestly made me want to go file for divorce myself as I am married to an idiot and I see no way forward if this is the man he wants to be.
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Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#32: January 21, 2020, 04:03:34 AM
Sounds like he is working on being demoted from "Babysitter" (Ready - I spit my water out with the "let him raid the fridge" comment) to "Crazy distant uncle who sometimes sleeps in the attic"

"Mountains" indeed....  ::)
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Me - 56, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#33: January 22, 2020, 06:56:59 AM
Ursa, Yes a demotion May be in order:)
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Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#34: January 22, 2020, 08:51:08 AM
Hey FJ,

So..... a restaurant like "Twin Peaks"? (a hooters style restaurant)

If it's that..... I wouldn't think it's a big deal. My co-workers went to Twin Peaks a couple months ago for lunch. I didn't go, I don't like places like that..... sends the wrong message (to me, and I'm not desperate)...... but it's not like strippers or something. It's silly and juvenile.

Men go to places like that when they're lonely and..... well..... alone. Makes them think about not being alone for a short period of time...... then they leave and remember they are alone.
Just saying it's an indication that he's probably alone and isolated. Not a bad thing.

-SS

 
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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#35: January 22, 2020, 09:44:25 AM
Perhaps so...but maybe not such a great or appealing thing if you have a teenage daughter who is probably only a couple of years younger than your semi-naked waitress? And one can surely be lonely and find chat in all kinds of places that have food, drink AND clothes.

Our choices say something about the world we want to live in imho....if you wouldn't be ok with something being public knowledge or on your Facebook, don't do it....if you wouldn't feel proud of your daughter, sister or wife earning a living this way, don't go and give them your cash. If you would be ok of course, then that is your choice too but others (including FJ and me) might see you differently bc of it....
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« Last Edit: January 22, 2020, 09:49:56 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#36: January 22, 2020, 10:23:48 AM
I don't know T....... I guess maybe I feel a little different because I've seen the flip side of that coin.

My cousin worked at Hooters after she D'ed her H (no MLC involved, he was just lazy and didn't work). My cousin busted her rear end to provide for her two girls, and they made it. I sooooo respect my cousin, she's incredible...... but I respect single mom's like crazy. They're all amazing (the good ones I mean).

I don't think highly of men who frequent establishments that objectify women, but I also understand that them doing so enables some single moms to keep a roof, clothes and food for their kids..... so it all serves a purpose. I know my cousin couldn't have made such a living unless she worked at a Hooters, just an incredible woman. She doesn't do it now, but it enabled her to get a start in a different career and go to school when she had to start over.

Lonely men are easily separated from their money. Oldest trick in the book.
My cousin told me once that the men which would go hang out (to see her) weren't bad men..... just lonely and sad..... and yeah, they'd never have a chance with her (LOL!!!!) but she was happy to flirt with them and take their money (HAAHAHAHHA).
 

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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#37: January 22, 2020, 11:25:51 AM
I hear you, Standing. I have had friends in similar circumstances.
There is just something so unkind and unhealthy about it from both sides of the table...a human object being used or a sad human subject being played. Or both bc of course the real money is made by others isn't it?
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H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
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Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#38: January 22, 2020, 01:46:15 PM
I think I tend to look at it like if that is what my h spends his time doing, I want no part of who he is.  The example to his kids, the way it makes me feel.  It feeds into a culture that objectifies women.  A culture that says we each have a sell by date and we only have value if we are still young and good looking.

It also reminds me that what he is really looking for is a carefree good time.  Not to be the man he needs to be, but rather a boy.

Journaling-I was reminded today that my h truly doesn’t function right.  Three months ago I sent him a copy of a toll road bill of his for $3.  Looking back I should have just paid it.  Anyways since he has asked for me to resend it several times and today he finally paid it.  I pay all other bills and in the past I would have just paid this, but I guess I figured it was his responsibility.

It’s odd that he cannot handle paying a bill.  I guess he’s still really unhealthy mentally.

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Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#39: January 22, 2020, 02:05:53 PM
Oh sure... I mean, that's completely understandable.... if there was a casual service restaurant that had Chippendales for waitstaff and W was eating there all the time.... I wouldn't like it either.

For what it's worth though FJ..... good men don't give a crap about the expiration date. W's look better every single day, and every single year. I know women worry about that (a lot), but it's not real. I'm sure your H was like that before he broke, and he's just that: broke.
If they can go one way (away), they can go back the same way (towards).

It's no fun being a little boy..... he's going to find that out.

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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#40: January 22, 2020, 02:26:05 PM
Yes, I think he is starting to get lonely for sure.  I do see your point.  When he dropped the littles at home last night and the big kids hardly responded to him leaving, no good bye.  He looked sad.  But, no movement towards me at all.

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Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#41: February 08, 2020, 12:51:03 PM
I snuck away a bit for some river watching and introvert time on our Church ski trip.  It has been awesome coming to Gatlinburg, having everything planned and they drove us in huge buses, so we chatted for hours and hours and got really deep.  We each shared our stories.  All of us women on our bus sat together.

Everything is in walking distance and the river is outside our room.

We had an MLCer out herself after I told my story and she cried and cried about her walking through the same thing.  She is 46 and is my roomy!  It’s been great because she is working through her trauma and it actually brought her to the Faith.  She was not a Christian prior.  It is sometimes hard to follow her and she does not have an h since she was 28, but wants one desperately. 

She is really hung up on a recent breakup. 

My h has the kids.  I don’t have time to go into it, but a big convo is coming Monday out of necessity.  It may result in the kids and I leaving this summer versus waiting here.  Some circumstances have come up that tip the scales that way if he divorces me this summer.  So he is left to decide if he will wait a year or not and answer straight away because arrangements need to be made.

Lots of great people on this trip and I went up the mountain to ski.  I was proud because it is my first time.  It was fun!  I fell a lot.  Have a great weekend!!!
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Married 19 years
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BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#42: February 08, 2020, 10:22:42 PM
I am so glad you had a break and a change of scenery, FJ, and you sound the better for it.

What made you think your roomie was an MLCer, or a recovering one perhaps?

It sounds as if there are changes coming and maybe a step away from limbo one way or the other. But you do sound much stronger so I'm sure that you will deal with the convo one way or the other. I hope all goes well.
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H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#43: February 09, 2020, 08:04:11 PM
Hey Thunder!  Thank You, I appreciate it!  My roomie had all the signs, plus said she is having an MLC.  I think she is at rock bottom.  She cried a ton on this trip. 

Anyways, I made amazing friends with the women that went and I feel really strong!

I have a feeling I’m going to need to be for tomorrow’s conversation.  We will see how it goes with my h. 

I’ve been advised not to rush back to work by some lawyers at divorce care, so I’m questioning my plan a bit.  I may just go part time in the fall. 
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Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#44: February 09, 2020, 10:32:03 PM
Good luck tomorrow!!!

Strong is the way to go  :D


-SS
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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#45: February 11, 2020, 07:07:25 AM
So according to the kids the one full weekend my MLCer had the kids he watched tv the whole time, yelled and got my d15 to cook the meals.

Last night he called and said he did not want to have our meeting and has not come to a decision.

I no longer feel anything for him except possibly anger at times for the situation he has put us in.  I don’t view him as a good husband going through a hard time, but rather a man who chooses himself no matter the cost to his family.  A man who is no man at all.

My compassion is at its end.  I currently cannot imagine ever wanting him back.  He’s just not the man I thought he was.  He is a coward who is ok leaving all of his responsibilities to me.  I’m better off alone.  The kids need as little exposure as possible to him as far as I’m concerned.  At least who he currently is.

Feeling really done.  You have to be worth fighting for, and from my current vantage point, he is not.  So I will just continue to heal, raise kids and try to make good decisions.

MLC or no MLC he chose this.
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« Last Edit: February 11, 2020, 07:11:17 AM by Finding Joy »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#46: February 11, 2020, 10:18:43 AM
He's a child right now FJ..... not a man.

Totally not fair, and not right....... but it's what is. He's a child.

So understandable to be angry...... justified.

He ran away, he's scared (inside). He can make it out, he's orbiting but is he processing? Maybe orbiting has to come first.

I've been watching a lot on youtube about broken people (not MLC related), the similarities are incredible. The good thing is, the behaviors I'm seeing on youtube (without MLC) are never going to be fixed in those people..... but the MLC'er has a chance (maybe even a good chance) of actually being fixed. There is a blessing to be found in all this.

Stay strong FJ, you're totally awesome. It's ok to turn your back emotionally..... HB talks about this in her writings (and I think she's right). Turning your back doesn't have to mean giving up.

Hope you have a really good day,

-SS
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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#47: February 11, 2020, 06:06:05 PM
Thank You SS!  I read what’s going on with your W.  You are doing great at helping her while giving her space! 

Journaling-My h says we will hold off on the d so that the kids and I can stay living here for the next 1 1/2 years.  Honestly, I feel nothing.  If anything anger.  I have felt anger towards him since yesterday.  He should not be putting us through this in the first place. 

He made sure to make sure that if we stayed married, I would stay out of his dating life.  So, that’s who he is.  Him leaving me waiting for a day gave me time to get really angry at who he is.

I’m so done.
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Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#48: February 11, 2020, 11:24:00 PM
Your anger is understandable and part of the process, FJ, and it will help you detach.

I presume from what you have said that there is a purpose to staying where you are that makes this a better choice for you and the kids?

I guess that you can now think if there are some different things to put in place if you are more formally 'separated'? Arrangements about kids, finances, the kind of contact you do and don't have. His comment about 'dating' is childish but probably realistic (well done if you managed not to say same goes for me lol).....in a way this is your opportunity to begin to stop thinking of him as your h or you as his wife but rather just as two separate people with completely independent lives who share children. And that ironically might help you GAL and even stand if you wish to do so. A lot can happen in 18 months but it is important for your wellbeing that it doesn't feel like limbo. I suspect your h will keep chasing his metaphorical tail and will be a bit surprised if how you behave towards him changes....UM is quite right that they mentally put the LBS and kids on the porch waiting and staying the same.  :)

So, if this is the outcome you wanted bc it is practically helpful and lets you plan, good.
What will you say to the kids? How are the kids doing?
And how do you want to organise your life and family life as a separated independent woman?
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H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#49: February 12, 2020, 06:49:30 AM
Hey Treasur! 

Yes, practically it makes life much easier.  One of the big issues that came up is, I was under the understanding that TX and FL have a reciprocal Teacher licensure agreement.  They apparently do not.  So I was going to need to make a permanent decision about where to live now versus in 1 1/2 years. 

They have a law for military spouses, your licensure transfers from state to state.  So, if we are married next year and I want to move to TX I can easily transfer my licensure.

Also, having to move(across the country), divorce, start a job, and handle complicated finances all at once was too much.  Staying provides a coparent, time to sort everything and my kids get more time at Christian school.  If we move to TX they will most likely be in public school, which is not my preference.

I am already living my life separate from him, raising kids, planning a future, making friends, involved in activities.  I just got back from a ski trip and this weekend my little kids and I are meeting a TX friend for the four day weekend in Louisiana(which is half way for both of us).  So that has not been an issue.

The only big decision I need to make right now is if I should work part time or full time in the fall.  My situation is such that I will be raising these kids alone in 1 1/2 years without any support at all from their Dad(outside of finances), friends or family.  As he will live far away and we will live somewhere that is brand new very likely.

The lawyers say if I work full time now, I could get trapped working full time and that seems overwhelming to have so much on me without help.

On the other hand I would like to work full time for two years so that I can get a house etc.  I’m unsure what decision is best.  I could possibly get a house working part time as I have a large amount of equity.
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« Last Edit: February 12, 2020, 06:58:39 AM by Finding Joy »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#50: February 12, 2020, 11:36:04 AM
I could be wrong FJ..... but I think this is what's happening:

He's spinning in orbit...... watching.... watching.... watching.  Not trusting you, and especially not trusting himself. You/him, it's all an extension of his muddled thoughts.
IMO, this is where you pull away (to not "pull away").
What I mean is: He already knows you've survived. You're standing on your own two feet and you're independent (you are still alive after he's left). That probably shocked him. You're displaying lots of strength, that probably shocked him too. You're excelling at being a mom, probably didn't shock him but respect grows.

Now you're getting on with it: Teaching license. Living. Etc....... showing you will not only survive but thrive and be happy. Look how miserable he is. STILL not knowing what is wrong. STILL looking for relief. STILL lost. He knows all these things, and thru it who is he looking at? You. He's sniffing around already. There's one thing I see in my MLC'er and in the stories of the ex-MLC'ers I've talked to..... they hover, watch and listen. Covertly and overtly. Your's is doing both. There's tons of doubt there. We know he's on Fantasy Island.... he says he doesn't want his dating life to be impacted. Maybe that's true. Probably not. He goes to booby bars. That's the destination of a desperate man without options, not a player running around town. He keeps looking back. That's the key (IMO), he's looking to see where you are (like a child). Now to pull away (not to pull away) so when he looks back.... "Where's FJ?!?!?!?!? Oh crap...... where am I?!?!?!?!? What am I doing?!?!?! Oh crap!!!!!". It's all Fantasy, even the potential of D...... Fantasy. I'm not saying force a decision point on him, that will come naturally on it's own.
You're doing so good, keep going!!! Your movement makes him move, and that he's moving says that you're moving. KEEP MOVING!!! His hold on Fantasy is eroding, his consideration is growing. Keep moving forward, but try not to harden your heart (not easy).

You're got this  8)

-SS
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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#51: February 12, 2020, 02:43:48 PM
FJ, You sound so strong and confident.  Just reading along cheering you on.  Anger as a feeling has only come to me recently and anger brought along a feeling that I need to be done and move on. 

Quote
Feeling really done.  You have to be worth fighting for, and from my current vantage point, he is not.  So I will just continue to heal, raise kids and try to make good decisions.

MLC or no MLC he chose this.

As SS said, "You've got this."

I vote part time work if you can swing it.  Even in a perfect world, full time work with kids is a huge challenge.  Start small, grow big. 
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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#52: February 12, 2020, 03:06:35 PM
FJ, you seem to be at the point where I was 6 months ago.. I reached my limit and I had enough. I was able to see H's actions for what they were, no longer excusing anything with MLC.. I have to say, it's sad to think I got to that point but my life has become much much better since and so will yours. Unfortunately your MLCer has lost you, this was the risk he was taking so no sympathy from me.

I'm very happy to read that you are living your life, enjoying time with kids and friends.. that's what it's all about.. It's very empowering to see we can actually have a good life without them, you are doing it already. Go you!!  ;D
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H - 43 (40 @BD1)
M - 43 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H and OW are together, presume PA  - 3rd June 2019
H gets engaged with OW (we are not divorced) - Oct 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#53: February 20, 2020, 05:12:06 PM
SS, Hey!  I hope all is well!  You may be right!  I’ve really quit watching or caring where he is in his journey.  I pray he heals, but since he wants nothing to do with me and is unfaithful in our marriage, he is not currently worth much thought from me.  I am just trying to be the best me I can and he needs to make many improvements before I would want anything to do with him.  No question, my heart is hard towards him and I do not see it softening without significant change in him.

Hi Maleficent-!  I feel you on the part time work!  I am torn on the matter still.  I’m so thankful to have such great support!!

One Day!  So good to hear from you!  I feel like I’m getting to a really great place!  I’m glad you are well!!!  I have a small window still open for him, but it takes effort to keep it open.  Only because of my belief system and my kids, not because of who he is.

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Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#54: February 21, 2020, 12:51:57 AM
Finding, your at that crossroads. I was there too and I decided for myself that enough is enough, XW was no longer a Person that I needed or wanted in my life. Even is she did "wake up" or "come through", the Damage was done and there was no way she could ever make that upto me (and my Boys). I feel that I made the Right decision for myself but that is just my Story, each is different.

I get what Standing is saying but each MLCer is different and each LBS has they're own boundries. If my XW didnt have an OM I may have stood forever, I may not have but it would have been easier for me. I probably would have stood after a stupid ONS too but the PA had been going on for too long, she (as do most MLCers) knew and knows exactly what she is doing and has no right to ever expect anything from me again except a cold "hi, bye".

You dont have to make a decision, just Keep on doing what your doing and you will eventually know if your truely done or not. You will just know. Whatever you do, you do not have to communicate it to him "H, im done", "H, im still here". Standing or not, its for your own wellbeing and not for his.

All the best and you are totally rocking life with your 4 kids by the way. Respect.

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Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
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Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. Is tolerated by LaFamiglia
2 Sons - 20 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#55: February 21, 2020, 10:17:37 AM
Whyus-I appreciate the kind words!  So true, I’m thankful I do not have to come to a permanent decision now.  I truly am trying to keep my heart somewhat open, but it is closing.  At some point it will be shut off completely from him.  Seared with a hot iron to stop the bleeding so to speak.

Journaling-My h is not looking so good these days.  We went to my sons b-ball game last night.  He cannot even have conversations with me.  Anything besides kids or business and he wants nothing to do with it.  I mean, you don’t want to be married but you can be civil.  We sat together with the little kids in between us.  I don’t get it, you don’t love me, ok.  So why do you have to be so weird.  I am detached enough to just want to be cordial when together and not awkward.  I think he prefers awkward.

The thing is!  I’m doing and looking great(thank you Beach Body on demand and cauliflower everything 😂)!  So I do think we have hit that point where the LBSer surpassed the MLCer.  It took about a year and 4 months of h*ll.

He called after the game.  He wanted to discuss taxes.  I always do our taxes, but I am waiting until mid-March.  Just business, I try to throw in Humor or light conversation and typically have no response.  It’s just so pointless.  I feel a little respect ✊ for him because by letting the kids and I stay here he took a financial hit.

My alimony will likely be an extra $250 a month and my pension will rise by the same amount. He understood that clearly when he let us hold off on the D. So, he actually did sort of put us first...or the kids anyways(in this one thing).  By divorcing a year later I have so much less stress and the kids and I can make a new life much easier.  Hopefully we will move straight into a new more permanent home versus having to rent a year.  It truly is a huge blessing.  Plus another year of healthcare.

My Louisiana trip with my friend and her two kids was a blast!  Our little kids are best friends!  Lots of hiking and swimming in the indoor pool at the hotel.  I feel stronger every time I get away and come home!  I think because I realize my life is not ending, a new phase is beginning.

Admittedly, it is hard to imagine ever being with my h again, but who knows who that shell of a person will turn out to be.  I continue to give him to God and trust that He has a good plan for our family.

My h at this point just feels like a stranger.  I feel committed to the concept of marriage, family and my children’s well being, but as I do not know him, or have any feelings for his current state, I feel nothing for him.  There is this vague memory of who he used to be, but that person has been gone since he left for deployment 4 1/2 years ago.  I am a different person and he most certainly is.  Yet, when I made vows, I meant them....and so just moving on is not something I will currently do.  I’m not there yet.  That said, I can picture it.  I see that as the most likely outcome, I accept it and while I still have hope for my marriage(and would still chose it even if my feelings are currently cold), I pray for both my current husband and my possible future spouse. 

If I can love my enemies, I can most certainly chose to love my spouse if he turns from his sin and chooses me.  Unfortunately, I do not have God’s patience and so he needs to find his way out of his behind sooner than later.

I think I understand why they say women are complicated after writing this🙃


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« Last Edit: February 21, 2020, 10:21:24 AM by Finding Joy »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#56: February 21, 2020, 10:28:41 AM
The not civil thing? Guilt, shame, secrecy, blame....tbh essentially that they don't feel at home in their skin, bit like a surly teenager I suppose. Tedious though. But aids detachment bc tbh they are just not very interesting or fun to be around for most grown ups lol.

Glad to hear that you have a plan regardless. And tbh how you describe how you feel is pretty normal for any LBS once they start to find their own feet after the initial drama and strong emotions. I think I read someone describing it as being a stage where you are no longer committed to your spouse but still have some commitment to your marriage if that makes sense?
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« Last Edit: February 21, 2020, 10:29:45 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#57: February 21, 2020, 10:49:17 AM
Treasur-Completely!  That’s it!  I am still committed to the marriage and family, but my heart is not currently his.  It is being protected and put away for safe keeping.  If he comes back to reclaim it in time, I may give it to him, but he has to be worthy.

He is truly no fun to be around.  Not interesting.  Just there.  He left the marriage, so he should be detached enough to just be.  I see him talk to other people, but not me.  Truly like a sourly teenager.

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Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

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#58: March 17, 2020, 07:08:23 PM
With all that is going on life has definitely calmed down around here the last few days.  We are no where near as busy as normal and life is simple.  It’s Spring Break this week and we will be homeschooling after that at least until mid April, but possibly for the remainder of the year.

We have had neighborhood kids in and out all week(as well as sleepovers) and we go on regular walks and of course the kids play at the park across the street.  I’m doing a lot of baking and check in at the stores every couple of days to stay stocked up and get out of the house.  I have noticed I’ve put on a couple of pounds from all of
the baking and cooking.  I will have to do better going forward. 

I am a person who enjoys being home, or out and about, so finding ways to stay busy has not been an issue. 

I got a paddle board and we already had kayaks, so going to the beach on base and the bay is a good social distancing activity.  For now we still had church Sunday, but every other activity has been canceled.  Restaurants are allowing to go pick up or drive thru.

My h is joking around with me a bit more.  I think we are getting to  the point where we are both detached enough to be able to coparent in a friendly way without it being awkward. 

Our relationship really reminds me of having a helpful neighbor.  You are polite, friendly and if you need something you communicate.  That’s about it.  Except occasionally I get triggered by him and that does not happen with a neighbor.  Also, we have to communicate a lot more than a neighbor because our lives are so intertwined.  So maybe we have progressed beyond crazy uncle, but we are certainly still on the outskirts of a friendship.

I think what has allowed me to let him in a bit more is the realization that we are coparents for the long haul, so we may as well be friendly  and have each other’s backs.  It has become more and more like that over the last many months.  Though ultimately I am still the one raising the kids alone, he does a good job with his part time father status(or at least ok).  I’ve asked him to check all of the kids bike tires as they need things to do right now.  He has come a very long way from BD, but I have no expectation that we will ever be anything more than coparents.

I do think as he wakes up a bit he is realizing what he will truly miss out on when it comes to the kids if we live in different areas, also that maybe, just maybe I’m not the worst person on the planet. 

I’m just not sure he has enough time to come out of this before we move and also, I’m not sure I can ever respect him again.  I am just trying to keep my heart neutral.  Trying not to close doors and trying not to have expectations.  Trying not to get too excited about the idea of living near my family that has the ranch and lake house.  I would love for my kids to grow up with Papa Willie fishing and hunting.  Boating regularly and shooting.

They live near Waco, TX and I would love to live there.  So, I’m trying not to get my hopes up about that area because if we reconcile we will go where he gets stationed.  I do know that reconciliation is best for my kids... 

I’ve been so content and happy.  I feel really healed.  I’m sure the scars will show themselves for a lifetime, but they are no longer open wounds.  I am blessed in my life.  I am stronger than I ever have been.  A whole person who does not need a spouse to be complete, perhaps want is another story.  For those of you just starting down this journey, do the hard work of healing, there is beauty on the other side regardless of outcome.
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Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

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#59: March 17, 2020, 09:56:59 PM
You sound great FJ  :D

So much growth, and you are walking that tightrope..... bravo!!!!

Till plenty of time..... there's all the time in the world (seriously).

Hang tough, you're an awesome lady.

-SS
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W - 38
M - 42
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

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#60: March 18, 2020, 09:27:24 AM
HI FJ,

You sound great ! I am so glad you are healing and doing well wishig you and your family nothing but the best.
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BD1 March 2018 - I wish I could give you more of what you need
BD2 Aug 2018 - I want a divorce sent by text ILWYBNILWY

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#61: March 21, 2020, 06:30:46 AM
Joy - Catching up.
You do truly sound so strong!
I am almost where you are, but had a slight setback last week.

FWIW - regarding part time or full time work.
I believe, if you work part time you'll get more alimony.
BUT, you can't increase your wages - i.e, then go full time and expect the same amount.
I started working a few extra shifts and was threatened to go back to court to decrease my support.

So, it's a "net neutral" situation and I would encourage you to do whatever it is that makes you most happy.

Stay safe.
Sea
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#62: March 21, 2020, 09:03:18 AM
Thank You Standing, Father and Sea!

Sea, yes, the issue is that if I work full time I may not have a choice but to continue to do so.  The court would expect me to continue, also alimony can be lowered, but if I work full time and then try to go part time, it will not be raised.  So we will see!

Journaling-I’ve been enjoying extra time with my children.  We go on quite a few walks each day for some vitamin d.  Many people around us are concerned about getting less hours at work, or losing their job for a few months.  Food pantries are struggling.  So certainly I see hardship around us and pray for the people effected.

I had a trigger last night regarding my h.  Somehow I started thinking about retirement.  How I’ve spent all of these years staying home and  raising kids, yet he will be very well taken care of at retirement and have healthcare and I won’t.  It hurt my heart that he cares so little for my well being and would leave me in a vulnerable place. 

How can I let someone like that back into my world.... 

We are getting on fine.  No issues.  We joke a bit on occasion.  I don’t know, I guess I just wish he was a better man. 
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Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

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#63: March 21, 2020, 10:38:04 AM
Joy -
FWIW - then, I would start working part-time until the D is finalized, if it is...

I know about the trigger, because I have the same anxiety vis-a-vis retirement.
H will inherit a HUGE amount of money when his mom passes, and I get none.
So, between that and his retirement, he'll be set.
Me, I'll be okay, but nothing close to what he'll have...

You are aware that you're entitled to half of his retirement at the time of divorce, right?
I can't recall your age, but assume you're fairly young...
You can start saving when you start teaching, as well.

No worries.  Every little thing...

Hugs,

Sea
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#64: March 21, 2020, 11:28:57 AM
Sea!  This sure does effect us all in ways we wish it didn’t!  It’s hard to know that they will be fine even though they are the ones who chose this.  Not to wish harm, just that we may struggle and are not the ones who chose this.

It’s complicated.  So, when/if we divorce he will have been in the military 12 1/2 years.  If I had been married to him his entire 20 years I would get 50/50, but I haven’t.  I will get around 30 percent and it will start when he gets out in 9 years or so.

The issue is that he will (rightly so) get military disability for anything that has happened during his 20 years.  Everything counts, an injured back, ptsd.  He will likely get 100 percent because he’s gone off the deep end.  He should, I’m not complaining, but he will get it for life and it is tax free and almost as much as his pension, he will also be exempt from property tax.

So, when he is 51 in 9 years, if he doesn’t want to work, he will not have to.  I on the other hand am the one raising the kids and will eventually need to work full time for retirement and health care.  So he ends up fine, but I need to start from scratch.
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Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

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#65: March 21, 2020, 12:26:57 PM
I( get the military thing because my H is reservist and I get nothing for his services evenjhough I went through an 8 mo0nth deployment to Iraq with 3 kids under 10 and he was in the service for 25 of our 29 year marriage (it wasn't all "good" years). 
So frustrating, so I get it.
Just pick it up from here, and do the best you can for yourself and the kidsl
That's all we can do.
Not fair, but what we got...

Sea
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#66: March 21, 2020, 05:37:00 PM
Sea!  Yes!  It’s not fair, but it is:)
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Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

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#67: March 22, 2020, 08:28:56 AM
Oh this is a touchy subject for me. My wife has money coming in for ever. Her mom has bunch of money and her dad is close to billionaire status. Yet she is asking that I pay her mom back some money WE borrowed. I have shared time with this as her mom just gave her a 16K yellow diamond. Worth enough to cover both of our debt and some left over.

 I am going to be financially devastated. Literally upside down. When this is done I will have $10,000 in savings and 50,000 in CC debt. I will have to file bankruptcy for sure.

Hard to start a new life or relationship with someone with so much baggage. I feel worthless it's something I am really struggling with.
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BD1 March 2018 - I wish I could give you more of what you need
BD2 Aug 2018 - I want a divorce sent by text ILWYBNILWY

O/M Discovered Nov-18

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#68: March 22, 2020, 08:34:57 AM
Father5
I am so sorry that you're in this situation.
I can't even imagine a 16K yellow diamond...
If your wife (and MIL) could at least allow you to be excused from this debt, you would be okay as what you "own" would be yours, correct?
Perhaps you could talk to her/them?
IDK - it's difficult, but maybe they would understand given the fact that it shouldn't financially affect them as much.

You will be able to start a new life.  There's so much more to a person than their financial status.  People will see you for who you are.

(sorry to hijack your thread FJ)

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#69: March 22, 2020, 11:20:17 AM
Father, I’m sorry that her actions have had such a devastating impact.  Just know you can and will recover if you put your mind to it!

I keep thinking of the family that took me in.  Early on in their marriage they filed bankruptcy, it took some years to get there credit back up afterwards.  Now, years later they run a successful R.V. dealership and are very well off.

Things can turn around, just keep moving forward.
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Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

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#70: March 22, 2020, 01:42:27 PM
Hello,

I was on the losing end of the pension. She gets credit for 9.25 years of my pension. Not much of a prize. Now I have to work another three to four years and I will probably have to purchase another 4 years of credit to get myself pack into a good position again.

Alimony is a tricky proposition. It depends on how much you make compared to the money he makes. It will also influence your child support payments as well. The nice thing about him being in the military is that they really frown on deadbeat parents so he will make sure to pay you.

My ex and I settled for non-modifiable alimony. I paid her the max amount for 5 years in exchange she could work and I would not take her back to court to get it modified for a lessor amount.

Believe me, those five years really sucked, but we were not going back and forth to court and we each got what we wanted. She got a high end pay put while she started her career and I got to see an ending date. On that front, I really did luck out.

You just do what you have to do to take care of his family. He isn't in the right mind to do that right now, so you have to.

(((Hugs)))

Ready
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#71: March 22, 2020, 06:26:04 PM
Ready, thank you for the input!  5 years is definitely a great deal for you!  The truth is, I prefer to work full time next year so that we are more comfortable financially, but it is a double sided sword.  Either decision has negatives.

The kids and I can live somewhat comfortably with me just working part time and then if I want to work full time later I can, versus being forced by the court.  So I will likely either work part time, or work full time, but at a private school.  If I go public I could be forced to stay(because you make more) and I prefer private so that my kids can continue to attend.

I’m really not stressing it anymore.  I did the budget and we will be fine so long as I do a little something and he keeps his job!

Journaling-H came over yesterday to celebrate my son’s birthday.  He is very cordial to me and at the same time still cares very little for me.  He did follow me around for a few minutes talking about memes.  So the relationship is very slowly improving.  Today he called to check in on a kid with a cough and the teens.

I am choosing to look at any improvement in him as good, regardless of outcome.  I truly do not want to spend my life arguing with an ex and if we do divorce it may as well be cordial. 

There are little signs that he sometimes gets things, like he understands in an adult way at times.  For the most part he is still all about himself. 

For instance, I was not even trying to send a truth dart.  We were discussing the teens.  I said, she(my daughter) needs to understand that relationships mean being there.  I was speaking of her relationship with her brother.  Anyways, it was the second time recently where it seemed like it clicked with him.

The good news is his improvement does not seem to be causing me to have expectations.  I think mostly because I’m not so certain what I want and it will take a lot to get me to look his way.

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Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

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#72: March 22, 2020, 08:55:37 PM
Finding -
I am so glad that your H is softening, because you're right - it is easier when you can get along, regardless of the outcome of the relationship.

You sound like you''re in a great place right now, calm and confident.
I hope that things continue in that trajectory!

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#73: March 24, 2020, 09:06:36 PM
Thank You Sea!

My h was here for his Tuesday night visit with the kids.  It is odd because this whole time he has not opened up much around me and now I am getting glimpses of who he is currently.

He truly is a teenager.  He has been griping about work lately which is not a good sign, since we need him to get good reviews for a very needed promotion.

He is so negative about everything.  He has been since getting back from deployment.  I am just getting to see it again.  I really do not like it.  He started talking about how the military is for fighting wars and that the national guard is who Trump should use for Corona.  It was not a good look on him...

We should all want to do our part right now, it should be an honor.  They must be making him work a lot(he works at a hospital).  I doubt too much, he was here by 5:30pm.  Anyways he is starting to be more relaxed around me and I wish I liked what I see.

On another note, a friend of mine I have talked about on here before is having an MLC and left her husband, whom I have known since childhood.  My allegiance is with him.  This happened last month.  She basically cut me and our whole family(his family) off when she made the decision.

Typical MLC crap.  She has broken his heart into a thousand pieces and is rushing the divorce.  They are somewhat well off and she thinks he should just give her everything.  He is so broken I would be surprised if he fights her at all.  They have three kids, the youngest an MLC baby.  Only a year old.  She basically got pregnant against his wishes with child number 3 because she was unhappy and thought a baby would make her happy.

Forgive me if I sound angry, I am.  The man wept like a baby on the phone with me today and I did my best to encourage him.  He is having to move in with his parents so that on his weeks with the kids his mom(a woman I look at as my grandmother) can help out.

He basically said he has nothing to live for.  I remember the brokenness.  The utter despair.  Why do these people have to be so cold and heartless.  She of course torments him and tells him to move on already, it has been a month.  My compassion these days is not with the MLCer.  Not even a bit.
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« Last Edit: March 24, 2020, 09:18:56 PM by Finding Joy »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

F
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#74: March 26, 2020, 06:29:22 AM
I just got a text from my husband.  He is on 48 hour watch to possibly go to NY.  He is navy medicine.  NY is by far where we have the most confirmed corona cases here in the US. 

He has no pre existing conditions and so I am not as concerned about him getting the virus as most are fine.  I am praying that this wakes him up and turns his life around. 

Also, our tenants are on lockdown and I got the call.  They are unsure about being able to pay rent....  I can cover it, but stressful.  The house is nice and expensive.
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« Last Edit: March 26, 2020, 07:50:40 AM by Finding Joy »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

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#75: March 26, 2020, 08:07:07 AM
Hello,

Quote
The good news is his improvement does not seem to be causing me to have expectations.  I think mostly because I’m not so certain what I want and it will take a lot to get me to look his way.

Exactly, this is what will allow you to heal and move forward. If you look at every positive as a sign that things are just about to turn the corner, you will deal with loss after loss.

Quote
He is so negative about everything.  He has been since getting back from deployment.  I am just getting to see it again.  I really do not like it.

You now see that your h is not his best self. The one thing I feel about MLC is that it amplifies behaviors. If you look back, your H had negative moments, but it wasn't enough to notice as the positive over rode the negative. Now the negative is more than the positives. That's the MLC side coming through. I knew my ex carried grudges throughout our marriage. However, MLC brought out every grudge, every issue she ever faced. Hopefully, she is learning to let things go as she emerges from the tunnel.

Quote
On another note, a friend of mine I have talked about on here before is having an MLC and left her husband, whom I have known since childhood.  My allegiance is with him.

It was so funny, until it happened to me, I was unaware of MLC. I just thought people had affairs. Something wrong with their marriage. After BD, I became much more aware of how many good marriages were destroyed by MLC. Just like you, I have sympathy and allegiance for the LBSer. I have seen good friends just change and no longer be the person I thought they were. To walk away from their family to be with someone new. I know I can't change them, but I don't have to support them either.

Quote
I am praying that this wakes him up and turns his life around.

I don't know what wakes them up. Maybe when they regain access to their hearts again. Silly as it seems, I used to think a good crack across the skull with would be the magic bullet. A sort of reverse amnesia treatment. Of course, LP can provide you all the legal ramifications of such an action, and XYZCF will quickly let you know the medical implications of such an action. However, there was many a night, I thought, "Just enough to knock her out." Desperate times can really bring out the stupid in some people.

(((Hugs))) and more (((Hugs)))

Ready

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"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

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#76: March 26, 2020, 09:02:27 AM
[Ugh] I feel for your friend..... I sure remember what that was like..... not a pleasant memory.

I hope your H does get a jolt in NYC. Nothing like life or death to shake someone.

Hope you're doing good FJ,

-SS
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W - 38
M - 42
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

F
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#77: March 26, 2020, 12:46:14 PM
Ready, Hi! Thank you so much for the input!  It’s so valuable to have people who have been through this giving input!!!  I appreciate it!!!

Standing, currently pretty stressed.  Just canceled all extras financially.  Of course my MLCer has not chimed in at all.  So any adulting is on me.
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Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

S
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My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#78: March 28, 2020, 06:52:49 PM
Finding Joy -
Thinking about you and hoping that your H is safe on the ship and is able to help the people who so desperately need it right now.
I also hope that it gives him an opportunity to rethink about the important things in life, and to understand his own vulnerability.

I am sorry about the renters not being able to fund their rent.
Not surprising, sadly.  Everyone has reduced work hours.

Stay safe, and let us know how you're doing.


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