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Author Topic: My Story My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!

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My Story Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#10: January 11, 2020, 12:28:11 AM
Completely understandable reaction, FJ. It is frightening to see a small child suddenly very ill and understandable to go into a kind of automatic 'normal' mode like that. I still remember my m telling me about when i had febrile convulsions as a toddler and was hospitalised (she was a nurse but my father was on an overseas posting in Aden, so she was on her own)....she said it was the most frightened and alone she'd ever been.

I don't know if your h's behaviour will improve - from stories here, they cycle and some do get worse for a while and pull further away - but what does get better is your ability to cope and adapt. So your optimism is warranted.....you get better, the kids get better, other folks step in and up, your expectations change....regardless of what he does. They compartmentalise heavily I think, a kind of out of sight out of mind where in their heads they are 'single and unattached' folks usually hanging around with new similar friends who see them that way. But still I'm sorry and you must feel exhausted. Can you do anything to catch up on your sleep today? (Life always feels harder when we are short on sleep)
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#11: January 11, 2020, 06:34:28 AM
FJ -
I'm glad that S5 seems to be on the mend from that scary event.
I'm sorry that your H was not there for you -- or for S5.
You're right, it is so sad that they can't even put their children as a priority.

Take care of both of you today -- your kids, of course, but don't forget to give yourself some kindness and lovel
You're an amazing mom -- just remember that.

Sea
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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#12: January 11, 2020, 09:41:52 AM
Treasur-Too true!  Middle of the night thoughts always seem more emotional.  I appreciate that you were around!  Sometimes this is a lonely walk!

Sea-I appreciate that!  It was a scary night.  S5 was acting so weird and was burning up.  In the light of day it feels more manageable.

Journaling-So lets just say I did not hold back last night with my h.  He didn’t answer my texts or calls and I looked at it as further betrayal and him leaving me alone in the hard moments.

I was not the good LBS that held her tongue and rationally realized he is not worth my words.  I told him that if he is sleeping with someone and ignoring my calls I never want to see him again.  I told him that when he left, he left me to manage all of the goods and bads alone and that I keep trying to forgive him and give him space to heal, but that he is making a conscious choice to run from his family regardless of the consequences.  Amongst many other middle of the night emotionally driven words.   

This morning around 6am he called and texted.  I ignored it.  Around 10am he kept calling and I texted him back.  He said his phone was in the other room on vibrate last night.

He apologized.  I did not let him off the hook.  He does seem remorseful and he should be.  He should have been here with his family, instead who knows what he was doing.

So this morning he has been all about figuring out what to do as s5’s breathing is shallow and his fever is stubborn and high.  He has not moved or eaten this morning.  I’m thinking possibly the flu.

My h has offered to come over.  I’m not sure I want to see him.  I also do not necessarily buy his story as he was at a big beach event last night.  Trust is hard to earn back.
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Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#13: January 11, 2020, 09:48:34 AM
Trust IS hard to earn back.

Is tylenol able to get his fever down?
Might be worth taking to urgent care in the daylight instead of having another event in the middle of night again?

Let us know how he's doing.

Sea
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Seahorses have one mate for life...

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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#14: January 11, 2020, 09:58:02 AM
Yes, I am doing Tylenol and Ibuprofen rotations as that is what the Dr always say to do, but it doesn’t seem to be enough.

I’ve had him put his feet in a cold bath a couple of times and a cold wash cloth.  My h works at the hospital and he really thinks ER is better than urgent care, but we would need to wait until urgent care closes at 7pm for insurance purposes. 

He really does have a good feel for these things being a Health Care Administration Officer.

I usually let the fever stay unless it is too high to naturally fight the infection, but this time it is aggressive.
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« Last Edit: January 11, 2020, 10:28:11 AM by Finding Joy »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#15: January 11, 2020, 12:33:38 PM
HI FJ....just wanted to check in with you..

How's your boy doing? Sounds like it might be an ER trip if the fever doesn't break?

Glad to hear you ripped you h a new one. Wouldn't worry too much if he is lying or not - the universe has a funny way of exposing the truth with time. If nothing else, it gives your h a sharp reality bite in the you know what that this is what it looks like when you abandon your w and kids. No more worth saying, let him stew on it. Your boy is the priority....take whatever help you need to keep him safe. You're in my prayers x
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#16: January 11, 2020, 02:00:04 PM
Hey Treasur!  Thank you!  He’s the same for now, but the breathing is better.  My h did go to the store for us and did come by to check on him.  He is picking d15 up in a couple of hours(he offered) and coming back.  He did reiterate his story, but I think you’re right.  These are the things that slowly wake them up to who they are being.  So I’ll just leave him to live with himself.

He does care.  For sure he cares now.  Even about my opinion of him.  So progress is slow, but steady.  I’m not sure I can be the personality it takes to make it work again.  I sort of look at it like you’re either worthy of me and us or you’re not.  So he’s got a long way to go to be worthy of us again, but I am trying not to bash him over the head too often.  It’s really hard to zip the lips.
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« Last Edit: January 11, 2020, 02:13:58 PM by Finding Joy »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

F
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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#17: January 12, 2020, 10:23:15 AM
S5 does not have the flu.  He is still feeling ill and maintains a temp, but it is under control now.  My d8 was also sick, but her body fought it off and she is playing today.

I am down and out now, but my hope is it won’t last long.  I put s12 on S5 duty and asked h to come take care of them all after his lunch plans.  My appetite is still strong, It’s just my head, body and fever.  My d15 made me eggs, toast and coffee, so I feel loved. 

Last night was another long night with d5, so it probably wore my immunity down as I don’t typically get sick when they do.

I don’t know what is to come, but I am truly thankful that for the most part I can count on my h.  I don’t even want to know what he does in his personal life at this point, it would only hurt me.

I don’t want to get my hopes up, as it’s still early in January and he has become an extreme procrastinator, but he has not brought up the d again.  He seems to understand it would benefit us all to stay put here for 1 1/2 years, but we will see. 

I want him to hold off for so many reasons.  One of which is, I’m not sure I would take him back if he put us through a D and unnecessarily uprooted us yet again.  We had a convo about a month or two ago.  He said he should have just divorced me last year and I said, when you were crazy.  That would not have gone well.  He seemed to understand that to be true.  Part of the reason I think he is considering waiting is because he knows he cannot love anyone and I have pointed out several times that he shouldn’t make long term decisions right now.

That is when he said, I don’t even like you though.  Such touching words.  It is true though, I have not exactly been a doormat during his MLC.  I think it helped with my healing because I often said what I felt, but it’s not what you are supposed to do as an LBS to draw them to you.

That’s what I mean by, I’m unsure my personality will allow reconciliation.  I like to get to the root of problems and dig until a resolution is reached.  I always put my cards on the table and what you see is what you get.  I’m not good at pretending, I’m genuine.  Outside of MLC those may serve a good purpose, but with an MLC spouse I can come off in a way that leaves a bad after taste.

I have worked on this and tried to keep my opinions to myself.  Also, he avoids confrontation, conflict, and resolutions.  That creates a situation where he is always superficial and I am unable to pretend by making light small talk with a man that has done so much damage.

I know I need to be able to be light and superficial and talk about nothing of importance, but it makes me sick to do so.  I feel like I am living in his dilution that everything is fine and no need to have real conversations.

It’s what makes him so popular with everyone.  It always has been.  He’s fun.  He used to be able to have real conversations when needed(though he put me on a timer).  I’ve always been the type to love to be social, but pair off in 2’s or 3’s and talk about real things.  It goes against my personality to be surface level.  For good or bad. 

Anyways, so many parts of being an LBS and what is supposed to draw them back to us, goes completely against my personality.  So, I don’t know, I’m trying.  I may be more black and white than I realized and that is something he said I was during monster.

To me things are simple.  You live by a moral code.  You try to do right.  You put God first.  You stand by your vows, you fight for your beliefs, you do right by your family.

It’s fine for him to be hurt and lost, but his actions were not fine.  Meaning, he could have handled himself a thousand times better.  At the same time I haven’t lost my mind, so how can I pretend to understand. 

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Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#18: January 12, 2020, 11:28:32 AM
Glad to hear that your son is lightly better, FJ.

I'm not sure about this 'act prettily' thing. I don't think pretending to be something you don't want to be is good for anyone....but I also don't think there is an LBS exam and not all LBS whose marriages survived it did that Stepwird Wife/husband thing imho.

Maybe it is more about not adding damage?

I think the not saying stuff is more about limiting the damage to you, seeing what is a waste of energy and assessing the limitations of what you own and what you don't. That bit is maybe about evolving from a situation that forces us to adapt perhaps?

If someone says they don't like me and feels that is ok to feel and say,  not sure it is my job to change their mind lol. It probably is my job to a) not punch them in the face and b) not beat myself up more than I have to and c) behave like a sane decent adult human anyway.  :)
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

F
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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#19: January 12, 2020, 03:04:30 PM
Treasur-Yes, it seems like all of the advice is be a perfect LBS, be quiet, be nice when they are ugly..etc.  Don’t get me wrong, I can see how that would draw someone back.  It’s just, it feels like in reality what is being said is, don’t be You, be who they want.  If you disagree bite your tongue. 

I can see that we don’t want to expose ourselves to further pain and the rules are there for a reason.  I guess I’m trying to figure out how to move forward with him around more. 

I just need to keep it very casual, because we are not together, but that is difficult for me.  The good news is that means I deal with my own baggage and don’t let it pile up, the bad news is, I may not be as good at just letting things sit and marinate allowing time to bring a conclusion.

That is what MLC needs.  Patience, time, holding your tongue....
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« Last Edit: January 12, 2020, 03:05:54 PM by Finding Joy »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

 

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