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Author Topic: My Story My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!

C
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My Story Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#20: January 12, 2020, 04:29:18 PM
FJ,

You sound like me. I struggle with the exact same thing. I have those conversations with myself. I wrestle with this impossible conundrum of how to respect and honor myself and my needs and how to not push to far.

I have completely and fully given up on this idea of “luring” the MLCer back to a marriage by pretending to be something or someone I’m not.
If you don’t actually like me, that’s fine, I want to be wanted.

H knows where the door is and he can leave at any time.

I have settled some things by asking myself what was my need to say this particular thing or express this particular thought or emotion or information. So in that respect I do say and convey less.
I have also begun to create space for H to talk and just be listened to....basically so I can practice my “not fixing” skills....which are pretty bad.

I splurged and got the DBT book.....that actually has a ton of really useful techniques to give myself time and space to be clear about what I say and don’t say.

But what I hear you talk about is how hurt you are at the unmet expectations you have of him as a father. Does that feel true to you?

Your H said he doesn’t like you.....H doesn’t like you doing what?  Being the parent he isn’t? Not allowing him to stay in his delusions?  Being realistic and practical? Showing him an example of what he should be doing? Not making it easy or cozy or fun to desert your family?
Yeah.....he probably doesn’t like that at all.

But not like you......ha ha ha that’s laughable.....he chased you around....proposed to you....married you and spent time with you and created a family with you.

When s15 was small and had to take a nap when he didn’t want to he declared very defiantly that he didn’t like me either. It was irrelevant to the subject at hand and he has since recovered quite nicely. 🤣

He could be projecting to....maybe he doesn’t like how he sees himself when compared to you.

After all you are everything he isn’t right now. You are strong and courageous, you speak your truth, you know yourself and trust yourself and your ability to handle difficult things to confront them and not run away from them.

Show FJ some compassion, she doesn’t have to make any decisions tonight while she is sick and emotional. She needs rest, and love, some chicken noodle soup and a couple bottles of Lysol.

Whatever your H decides to do....you already have a plan for that.  You already know you can and will survive it and thrive. And your know your choice right now is one of being able to say with dignity and pride that I did everything I knew to do and to try....so no matter what happens I refuse to have regrets about this. Life handed me a tough situation and I honored myself and my own moral code and I didn’t let someone else’s behaviors change that.

I hope you get a little rest and the fever abates.
((((Hugs)))))
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H 36
S15
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#21: January 12, 2020, 05:11:18 PM
Hello,

I hope your son is feeling better and you as well. Life is hard as it is and if you are anything like me, when the kids were ill, I was really struggled. I felt so helpless and just wanted them to feel better. I could take being sick myself, but my kids- no.

Quote
Journaling-So lets just say I did not hold back last night with my h.  He didn’t answer my texts or calls and I looked at it as further betrayal and him leaving me alone in the hard moments.

I was not the good LBS that held her tongue and rationally realized he is not worth my words.  I told him that if he is sleeping with someone and ignoring my calls I never want to see him again.  I told him that when he left, he left me to manage all of the goods and bads alone and that I keep trying to forgive him and give him space to heal, but that he is making a conscious choice to run from his family regardless of the consequences.  Amongst many other middle of the night emotionally driven words.   

There are times to be the perfect LBS and time to chuck a good truth dart. Your h was not on duty, nor was he out on maneuvers. Instead, he was AWOL from his family. If he had been at home with his family, there would not be a need to have the phone on.

He had a lame excuse and and you gave him a well deserved punch in the nose. Remember, you can validate their feelings, but not nor should anyone, excuse poor actions.

Quote
I have completely and fully given up on this idea of “luring” the MLCer back to a marriage by pretending to be something or someone I’m not.
If you don’t actually like me, that’s fine, I want to be wanted.

Great concept. Always be in a place where you are desired. There has been a lot of discussion regrading self focus and working on yourself. I want to be clear. It is not about making changes to make yourself more desirable to the MLCer. It is to take specific actions for yourself to thrive. For example, getting your teacher certificate is self-improvement. You are not doing it for him, but for you and your family. It is an intentional and deliberate action to respond to your situation.

Bottom line, I would be thrilled if your H wakes up and does his own work to improve as a man. As a veteran, I support our troops and understand the stress and trauma from combat. I would like to see your marriage make it for him just as much as you.

However, in the end, you are responsible for yourself and your children. Your choice and your life. The most liberating realization of the LBSer is when they realize that they have control and just like the MLCer, they can make a choice too.

That's your ace in the whole my friend. Get well.

((((Hugs)))

Ready

However, I
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F
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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#22: January 12, 2020, 06:36:20 PM
Courage, There is a lot of truth that I am mostly upset with him for hurting our children.  For not being an example to them.  I mean for myself as well, but you know how it is when someone is hurting your kids.

Ultimately, I am me.  I need to work on myself like every other person, but my primary make up is set. I am who I am and I accept myself and find my validation and worth in Christ, not my h.  So I do feel the need to try to change some things because he is in MLC and our relationship demands it, but ultimately he either wants me or he doesn’t.  That option will not always be on the table, it has an expiration date. 

I should say, I am the grownup version of who I was when we married.  My dreams, goals and aspirations have not changed.  My personality has not changed.  He however has changed significantly over the years.  The military has changed him.  So he very well may not like what I stand for or who I am.  I’m not complicated.  God is first and then family.  Right now our values do not align.

I guess I just need to go with my gut at any given moment and not second guess myself.

Ready-The sickness does seem to be ongoing.  Currently d8 is back down for the count, myself and s5, but my older kids and even h have helped out.  Thankfully I got some energy earlier and cleaned up as things get bad quickly when a Mom gets sick.

I guess the issue at hand is I want to find a balance.  Don’t do anything that will push him away further or cause this to last longer, but also respect myself and protect my children.

Journaling-My h has somewhat redeemed himself the last couple of days with some small acts.  He did offer to go to the store and just brought some things by.  Interesting enough he only acknowledges that the kids are sick because they are why he is helping out, not his devotion to me.

But, ultimately as all LBSers know, for the most part whatever struggle comes up, the kids and I need to handle it on our own.  He is rarely around, but he is here more than he used to be.
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« Last Edit: January 12, 2020, 06:54:32 PM by Finding Joy »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#23: January 12, 2020, 10:27:08 PM

I guess the issue at hand is I want to find a balance.  Don’t do anything that will push him away further or cause this to last longer, but also respect myself and protect my children.

Journaling-My h has somewhat redeemed himself the last couple of days with some small acts.  He did offer to go to the store and just brought some things by.  Interesting enough he only acknowledges that the kids are sick because they are why he is helping out, not his devotion to me.



That is the hard part isn't it..... not causing further damage, yet looking out for your own best interests too. That has to be so much more difficult with kids, and that super powerful mom instinct.

Really feel for ya FJ........ and that devotion to you..... why do we have to be last? Totally unfair. We should be the 1st to be trusted as we are the most trustworthy. Hard to square isn't it? And hurtful.

-SS
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M - 42
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

F
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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#24: January 13, 2020, 08:24:22 AM
Standing, the more positive side of me wants to believe that this happens because they view us as a part of themselves and they hate themselves.  However, that’s a stretch for me to believe.  It is very odd to go from being their most important person to nothing.  Or even hate from them.

Journaling

The littles are currently in the car with me.  We dropped off s12 at school and now d15 is taking Dual Enrollment testing at the college.  The littles are still sick and I’m feeling horrible.  Thankfully they are sleeping as we wait here for at least an hour.  If d15 passes this testing she will start college courses in 2 weeks.  She is a freshmen in High School(though technically she has the credits of a Junior) and so I’m not sure how I feel about her exposure to freshmen in college.  Actually, I don’t like it.

She is determined to graduate next year and hopes to have all of her college prerequisite courses done.  Depending on the college she ends up at she needs 12-24 hours before she can be accepted into the program that starts 1 time a year. 

She’s really too pretty for her own good in my opinion.  Hopefully the boys leave her alone.  Thankfully she is really focused on her goals versus the boys for now.

Anyways, I have encouraged my kids recently to wait until they are older to focus on the opposite sex.  People change so much in their college years and so in my view waiting to get serious with anyone until you are a bit more formed is ideal.

Just my opinion having met my h at 18 and married at 19.  Interesting enough, I pretty much knew who I was at that age, but my h who is 3 1/2 years older needed some years to grow up.  To figure out who he was.  Because who I married is not who he ended up being even outside of MLC.  Some of that was for the better and some was most definitely not.  Then again, I may have needed to wait 5 years from now before I married him😉

My d15 started a drivers ed class online.  So here in the next month I will have to teach her to drive...
She does not want her Dad involved. 

Anyways, the incident the other night when my h didn’t answer his phone has helped me disengage again.  It’s easy to get sucked back in when they seem somewhat normal.  I need to keep moving forward.

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« Last Edit: January 13, 2020, 08:31:29 AM by Finding Joy »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

S
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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#25: January 13, 2020, 10:14:50 AM
Finding Joy -

I do hope that you all are feeling healthier soon.
Try to get rest and restore yourself.

Your D15 sounds bright and motivated.
That will serve her well.
She has a good mom, so she will keep her head straight on her shoulders...
You're a great influence on her.

Sea
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Seahorses have one mate for life...

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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#26: January 14, 2020, 10:01:07 AM
Thank You Sea!  I appreciate your words!

Journaling-When my husband left for deployment my 5 year old was 1 1/2, 8 year old 4, 12 year old 8 and 15 year old 11.

I remember half way through he cut off contact, but would post pictures on Instagram of him fooling around with friends, men and women.  Some of the pictures were inappropriate with him too close to women.  He had started drinking for the first time while over there.

I have personally never had an issue with drinking in moderation as long as you are careful of your choices, but I abstained from it due to my husband’s objections.  So up until a few years ago I did not drink at all in my adult life.

Anyways, too me that shows how conservative he was.  By the time he got home I wondered if he had cheated.  We spent the next two years with me continuing to wonder.  He put his friends first, was secretive, wouldn’t let me in to his world, allowed me to deal with everything, couldn’t really function, wasn’t doing well at work, and at times made horrible decisions. 

For instance he never had Facebook before, but got it and wouldn’t friend me or anyone not military.  That caused major strife.  He eventually friended me, but that is suspicious behavior.  I remember him staying out all night one night with a “study group” for some testing.  Too me that seemed very shady.  All of his behavior combined made me think he may be cheating.

Looking back, I think he wanted too, but had not yet gotten the nerve up.  He was pre bd and needed to go deeper in the tunnel before he actually cheated.

So my kids and I have been dealing with an absentee husband/father for 4 years.  That is a very long time.  I have to say, he needs to get his crap together because that is too long in my view.  My kids need a good role model in their lives and if he refuses to be one there will come a time when someone else will fill that role.

Admittedly I am still sick and grumpy.  Still true though.
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« Last Edit: January 14, 2020, 10:27:58 AM by Finding Joy »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

F
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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#27: January 17, 2020, 09:20:13 PM
It ended up that we did have the flu.  The littles and I will be a hundred percent in a day or two.  We are up and about, but weak and a bit whiny.  The big kids just got it yesterday.  We have rarely ever gotten the flu, much less all of us, but apparently this years strand is really rough and at both schools heavily.

With the holidays this last couple of months and then needing more help with being sick I realized that my MLCer has/had way too much of a hold on me recently.

Today when he came and got the little kids for his night and asked about everyone’s health except for  mine for the 4th time this week, I realized I need to get some distance.  It’s easy to forget that he doesn’t care anything about me because he is helpful and polite.

It’s all too easy to get sucked back in, and that is not good for me and my well being.  I need to keep my distance and be a polite coparent.  Anyways, sometimes it feels like my heart isn’t salvageable.  Like it will never be healed.  It’s tough having kids together and having to deal with him so often.  Mostly because we are friendly and slowly I let my guard down and then have to be reminded he is the same old heartless MLCer.

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Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#28: January 18, 2020, 02:01:37 AM
I'm glad that you are all feeling better. I can't imagine how hard it must be to be unwell yourself and trying to care for four sick kids at the same time, FJ, although other parents here get it.

It sounds as if, with hindsight, you think your h has been unravelling and disconnecting from you all slowly for three or four years. Not an uncommon realisation here, but I'm sorry bc those years must have been very hard for you as a wife with four young kids and not much tlc or emotional support from your h. Taking off the rose-coloured glasses is not always easy but many people find that looking at things with a clear eye helps. I think you are probably one of those kinds of people fwiw.

I know some people here hate the concept of detachment or think it is the wrong approach to take. I think your situation is a very good example of how finding your own version of detachment is helpful. And less about what you do perhaps but more about your own mindset and how you adapt your expectations to fit new circumstances. Your h may be behaving in a 'helpful/friendly' style....but he is no longer thinking like a h or even a decent friend is he? He is sort of doing some things but not feeling them as he should if that makes sense. It must be quite painful to realise that he has so little concern about you as a person, but it is probably quite accurate right now. Which doesn't make it right, just how it is. Detachment I think is about unhooking how you feel about everything, including yourself, from what you think he feels about anything. So your instinct that you need to adjust how you behave towards him right now sounds like a sensible one to me. That you are essentially at best co-parenting with someone who is more like a superficially polite neighbour who you don't know too well.

I am sorry. And yes, your heart needs protection as you navigate this. Perhaps it will help if you start treating him as if he is already a loosely attached ex-husband and parent? Idk. But i don't believe from anything you have posted here that your heart is not salveagable even if it turns out that your h is not. You have too much heart and too much courage and too much faith for that to be true.
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#29: January 18, 2020, 09:49:18 AM
Treasur, I appreciate those words.  Sometimes it feels like there is no bottom to this, but I do know the way forward is step by step.

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Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

 

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