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Author Topic: My Story My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!

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My Story My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#70: March 22, 2020, 01:42:27 PM
Hello,

I was on the losing end of the pension. She gets credit for 9.25 years of my pension. Not much of a prize. Now I have to work another three to four years and I will probably have to purchase another 4 years of credit to get myself pack into a good position again.

Alimony is a tricky proposition. It depends on how much you make compared to the money he makes. It will also influence your child support payments as well. The nice thing about him being in the military is that they really frown on deadbeat parents so he will make sure to pay you.

My ex and I settled for non-modifiable alimony. I paid her the max amount for 5 years in exchange she could work and I would not take her back to court to get it modified for a lessor amount.

Believe me, those five years really sucked, but we were not going back and forth to court and we each got what we wanted. She got a high end pay put while she started her career and I got to see an ending date. On that front, I really did luck out.

You just do what you have to do to take care of his family. He isn't in the right mind to do that right now, so you have to.

(((Hugs)))

Ready
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#71: March 22, 2020, 06:26:04 PM
Ready, thank you for the input!  5 years is definitely a great deal for you!  The truth is, I prefer to work full time next year so that we are more comfortable financially, but it is a double sided sword.  Either decision has negatives.

The kids and I can live somewhat comfortably with me just working part time and then if I want to work full time later I can, versus being forced by the court.  So I will likely either work part time, or work full time, but at a private school.  If I go public I could be forced to stay(because you make more) and I prefer private so that my kids can continue to attend.

I’m really not stressing it anymore.  I did the budget and we will be fine so long as I do a little something and he keeps his job!

Journaling-H came over yesterday to celebrate my son’s birthday.  He is very cordial to me and at the same time still cares very little for me.  He did follow me around for a few minutes talking about memes.  So the relationship is very slowly improving.  Today he called to check in on a kid with a cough and the teens.

I am choosing to look at any improvement in him as good, regardless of outcome.  I truly do not want to spend my life arguing with an ex and if we do divorce it may as well be cordial. 

There are little signs that he sometimes gets things, like he understands in an adult way at times.  For the most part he is still all about himself. 

For instance, I was not even trying to send a truth dart.  We were discussing the teens.  I said, she(my daughter) needs to understand that relationships mean being there.  I was speaking of her relationship with her brother.  Anyways, it was the second time recently where it seemed like it clicked with him.

The good news is his improvement does not seem to be causing me to have expectations.  I think mostly because I’m not so certain what I want and it will take a lot to get me to look his way.

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Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

S
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My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#72: March 22, 2020, 08:55:37 PM
Finding -
I am so glad that your H is softening, because you're right - it is easier when you can get along, regardless of the outcome of the relationship.

You sound like you''re in a great place right now, calm and confident.
I hope that things continue in that trajectory!

Sea
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#73: March 24, 2020, 09:06:36 PM
Thank You Sea!

My h was here for his Tuesday night visit with the kids.  It is odd because this whole time he has not opened up much around me and now I am getting glimpses of who he is currently.

He truly is a teenager.  He has been griping about work lately which is not a good sign, since we need him to get good reviews for a very needed promotion.

He is so negative about everything.  He has been since getting back from deployment.  I am just getting to see it again.  I really do not like it.  He started talking about how the military is for fighting wars and that the national guard is who Trump should use for Corona.  It was not a good look on him...

We should all want to do our part right now, it should be an honor.  They must be making him work a lot(he works at a hospital).  I doubt too much, he was here by 5:30pm.  Anyways he is starting to be more relaxed around me and I wish I liked what I see.

On another note, a friend of mine I have talked about on here before is having an MLC and left her husband, whom I have known since childhood.  My allegiance is with him.  This happened last month.  She basically cut me and our whole family(his family) off when she made the decision.

Typical MLC crap.  She has broken his heart into a thousand pieces and is rushing the divorce.  They are somewhat well off and she thinks he should just give her everything.  He is so broken I would be surprised if he fights her at all.  They have three kids, the youngest an MLC baby.  Only a year old.  She basically got pregnant against his wishes with child number 3 because she was unhappy and thought a baby would make her happy.

Forgive me if I sound angry, I am.  The man wept like a baby on the phone with me today and I did my best to encourage him.  He is having to move in with his parents so that on his weeks with the kids his mom(a woman I look at as my grandmother) can help out.

He basically said he has nothing to live for.  I remember the brokenness.  The utter despair.  Why do these people have to be so cold and heartless.  She of course torments him and tells him to move on already, it has been a month.  My compassion these days is not with the MLCer.  Not even a bit.
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« Last Edit: March 24, 2020, 09:18:56 PM by Finding Joy »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

F
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My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#74: March 26, 2020, 06:29:22 AM
I just got a text from my husband.  He is on 48 hour watch to possibly go to NY.  He is navy medicine.  NY is by far where we have the most confirmed corona cases here in the US. 

He has no pre existing conditions and so I am not as concerned about him getting the virus as most are fine.  I am praying that this wakes him up and turns his life around. 

Also, our tenants are on lockdown and I got the call.  They are unsure about being able to pay rent....  I can cover it, but stressful.  The house is nice and expensive.
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« Last Edit: March 26, 2020, 07:50:40 AM by Finding Joy »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

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#75: March 26, 2020, 08:07:07 AM
Hello,

Quote
The good news is his improvement does not seem to be causing me to have expectations.  I think mostly because I’m not so certain what I want and it will take a lot to get me to look his way.

Exactly, this is what will allow you to heal and move forward. If you look at every positive as a sign that things are just about to turn the corner, you will deal with loss after loss.

Quote
He is so negative about everything.  He has been since getting back from deployment.  I am just getting to see it again.  I really do not like it.

You now see that your h is not his best self. The one thing I feel about MLC is that it amplifies behaviors. If you look back, your H had negative moments, but it wasn't enough to notice as the positive over rode the negative. Now the negative is more than the positives. That's the MLC side coming through. I knew my ex carried grudges throughout our marriage. However, MLC brought out every grudge, every issue she ever faced. Hopefully, she is learning to let things go as she emerges from the tunnel.

Quote
On another note, a friend of mine I have talked about on here before is having an MLC and left her husband, whom I have known since childhood.  My allegiance is with him.

It was so funny, until it happened to me, I was unaware of MLC. I just thought people had affairs. Something wrong with their marriage. After BD, I became much more aware of how many good marriages were destroyed by MLC. Just like you, I have sympathy and allegiance for the LBSer. I have seen good friends just change and no longer be the person I thought they were. To walk away from their family to be with someone new. I know I can't change them, but I don't have to support them either.

Quote
I am praying that this wakes him up and turns his life around.

I don't know what wakes them up. Maybe when they regain access to their hearts again. Silly as it seems, I used to think a good crack across the skull with would be the magic bullet. A sort of reverse amnesia treatment. Of course, LP can provide you all the legal ramifications of such an action, and XYZCF will quickly let you know the medical implications of such an action. However, there was many a night, I thought, "Just enough to knock her out." Desperate times can really bring out the stupid in some people.

(((Hugs))) and more (((Hugs)))

Ready

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#76: March 26, 2020, 09:02:27 AM
[Ugh] I feel for your friend..... I sure remember what that was like..... not a pleasant memory.

I hope your H does get a jolt in NYC. Nothing like life or death to shake someone.

Hope you're doing good FJ,

-SS
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W - 38
M - 42
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

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#77: March 26, 2020, 12:46:14 PM
Ready, Hi! Thank you so much for the input!  It’s so valuable to have people who have been through this giving input!!!  I appreciate it!!!

Standing, currently pretty stressed.  Just canceled all extras financially.  Of course my MLCer has not chimed in at all.  So any adulting is on me.
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Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

S
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  • Posts: 1425
  • Gender: Female
My Search for Peace in the ☔️ Storm!
#78: March 28, 2020, 06:52:49 PM
Finding Joy -
Thinking about you and hoping that your H is safe on the ship and is able to help the people who so desperately need it right now.
I also hope that it gives him an opportunity to rethink about the important things in life, and to understand his own vulnerability.

I am sorry about the renters not being able to fund their rent.
Not surprising, sadly.  Everyone has reduced work hours.

Stay safe, and let us know how you're doing.


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#79: April 06, 2020, 06:42:53 PM
Seahorse!  Thank you!  My H did not end up going.  He was on 48 hour watch to go, but I’m unsure if he got out of going or if he didn’t get called.  He’s an MLCer and sometimes the truth and serving others are just not in the picture.  Who knows.  I know he did not want to go.  I know he has a neck injury he could have used as an excuse.  Who knows.  He sort of told me two different stories in two different conversations.

The first time we talked he told me what I assume is the truth, he got out of it because of his neck injury(incurred in one of his MLC wreaks, where he totaled two vehicles in two months). 

The 2nd time we talked he said he wasn’t needed.  I know he could still get called up.

He’s had a cough and so has kept his distance for my littlest child’s (who has severe asthma) safety.  Of course I also have asthma, but I am not a factor in his choices.

We are still in friendly neighbor status.  When he gets better he is planning to fix the dryer(which is going out).  I’m sure he will be here at Easter if his cough gets better. 

When I think back to last Easter I believe he had just moved out to get a permanent place.  He came over for Easter and couldn’t stand my presence.  He was ugly and hostile.  I told him to leave.

So, I guess this Easter at least we are friendly coparents.  I’ll take it for now. 

I’m missing  having a significant other.  If the divorce does happen this next year, I do not see me staying single for very long afterwards.  I’m ready to move on now, but am waiting another year here to see what happens and let the kids live near their Dad.  Also, to honor my vows of course.

Hopefully things will work out, but I’m ready to move forward and tired of limbo.  I do not believe he has been in a relationship this last 6 months.  He mentioned this last few months he just stays home and all signs have pointed to no relationship since he and OW 2 split.

He did say he took a break from drinking this past 6 weeks.  I don’t think he had a drinking issue.  At least not that I am aware of, but before the deployment he didn’t drink our whole marriage and after he drank regularly.  Sometimes I wonder if he drinks far more than I know because it’s always mixed with something in a regular cup.

I don’t know.  With being home all the time now, I just want a real relationship, not one where one of us has no character, cheats, doesn’t want me, and dodges his duty on all fronts.  A grown up relationship with a man, not a man child. 

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« Last Edit: April 06, 2020, 06:58:51 PM by Finding Joy »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

 

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