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Author Topic: My Story 3.5 years in and stuck

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My Story 3.5 years in and stuck
OP: January 14, 2020, 04:11:06 PM
Hi everyone.
I haven't posted in a very long time as I really have had nothing to say. I still don't have much to say but I need some help to get unstuck.

I have been in a very bad place for a few months. I know that there is underlying depression and that I should take meds and start counselling again, but I just haven't. It is hard to do when you can't get off the couch. The only thing that keeps me going is work and even that lately isn't doing it for me.

I have at leastast started taking a mood supplement with st. John's wort but it has only been a week. Not enough time to kick in.

Sorry if this is going to be all over the place.

Some of you know that I had a boyfriend for a bit that was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. Cancer for me wasnt the issue, the issue was he was very self centred and always put me to the bottom of the list. Unfortunately I didn't realize that until after I signed on to buy a new home and the plan was he was supposed to move in with me. Although I still had feelings for him I nixxed him moving in and nixxed our relationship.

I have since moved in to this 1900 square foot townhouse by myself. Not really what I needed at this point in time, larger bills to pay but I have learned that you just move forward, consequences. So far the home is buestiful and I am able to keep my work going and I can afford it. Thank you, universe. Hopefully I can get my head back in the game before anything crazy happens as I know that I cannot afford this house with a regular job.

I found out in September that the ow moved out of my xh's place. She had a plethora of reasons apparently, including blaming my oldest daughter and the fact that ow didn't want to claim commknlaw on taxes  :o

I am not gonna lie. This was the start of my downturn, I am sure. I honestly thought that my xh would be "woken" up to what we had. I don't care how many of us say we are over it, I don't think we ever get there 100 percent. Not only is my xh much more mean towards me, but he is still "with" this ow who left him. I just don't understand it. We had a great life, not perfect, but a great foundation. I was with him through thick and thin and he leaves me for her? Then she leaves him BC she doesn't wanna pay more taxes and he is still with her.

How do these ow keep these people?

I am at a very rock bottom emotionally and I do not know how to crawl out. I even told my mother that she shouldve aborted me. You see, I get these people are having a midlife crisis BC of their childhood but guess what? A lot of people have had a crappy childhood and we don't treat people like they do.  Why is that?

I have contemplated suicide many times. Although I do not think that I would have the nerve to do it. My kids would be very upset and I've always been told only a coward does that.

At the end of the day, I miss my old life. I miss my h and my home. I didn't deserve what happened, like most of us here. I have actually pushed myself back to that puddle on the floor and I don't know how to get myself back up.

Now I have to stop as I can't see for the tears. I weak. Any thoughts would be appreciated.
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Re: 3.5 years in and stuck
#1: January 14, 2020, 04:47:24 PM
(((Tyks))) You must get yourself to a doctor for medication.  Please get there tomorrow.   You are seriously depressed.  I know because I’ve been exactly where you are.  You can’t get out of it easily without intervention.   I started AD 6 months after bd and the difference was huge and I felt like I had control over my life again.   All my problems and pain didn’t magically disappear but I got a lot more emotionally resilient, and I interrupted what was a dangerous downward spiral.   After awhile I tapered off to 1/2 strength and I am still taking them.  Every time I’ve tried to completely quit I regress.  My doctor says it’s normal after our lives blow up. 

I don’t know where you live but if it’s a northern country then Seasonal Affective Disorder may be a part of your depression too.  I am very prone to depression in the winter because of it.

Are you prone to gaining weight on AD’s?  I am so my doctor gave me Wellbutrin.  It actually suppresses appetite for awhile but other than that,,,no side effects whatsoever.

Your h’s ow moving out created expectation in you.  That he didn’t come back right after that split is very typical.   We just can’t make any assumptions about what they will do next especially while in replay,,,which he is otherwise ow would be gone.   To answer your question about how does the ow keep these guys?  She will be there until she has served an unknown purpose in his MLC.   Then she will be gone.  Doesn’t mean there won’t be another ow he takes along on his MLC bus for another leg of the journey.  We just never know and neither do they.

Please make yourself get to the doctor ASAP.  You don’t sound good atm.   Cause for worry  :'(

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"This too shall pass.  It might pass like a kidney stone but it will pass."
"Don’t blame a clown for acting like a clown.  Instead, ask yourself why you keep going to the circus."

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Re: 3.5 years in and stuck
#2: January 14, 2020, 05:59:42 PM
Sorry Tyks for your struggles. It is very common for us to have trouble getting ourselves whole again.

I found a therapist who specialized in trauma. She dealt with mind body work and it really turned things around for me.

The hard thing is finding the energy to take the steps we need in order to heal.

It is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with in my life.

Take good care Tyks. Find yourself again
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Re: 3.5 years in and stuck
#3: January 14, 2020, 06:12:25 PM
Tykes: I am so sorry you find yourself at a low. We have all been there. But please start with this: this is temporary, no matter how much it seems like there is no end to the depression it will lift. One of the traps of depression is it takes away all joy and makes everything seem eternal. It is not. You will leave this place behind and find some light and joy again. No matter how much that sentence didn’t seem true IT IS.

Next please please immediately get yourself to a therapist. It may seem too hard, too much to do, but just do it. Do what you need to do. Get some help asap, even medication and start from there. It is a very hard first step but it is a critical one. Focus on whatever you need to, think of your kids, how much you would miss, how angry they would be, whatever it takes. Make it a priority and DO IT NOW. Please.

And if you get more suicidal ideation and if they seem more than thought please call a hotline. This can all pass, no matter how hard, how painful, you can move past it. Yes it is completely unfair what has happened, and yes it is very depressing to wait and wait and still not have our spouses “wake up.” Remind yourself as much as it may not see true this is not about you, it is not a reflection of you, it is HIS disorder. Yes we all miss the life we had, but we can choose to keep moving and there are other places of joy. But unless we choose to start moving that way we simply won’t get there.

Please keep writing how you feel here, check in, read, know you are not alone in any of this. But please start making your way out of this place you find yourself now.
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Re: 3.5 years in and stuck
#4: January 14, 2020, 06:25:59 PM
Tyks.... I agree with Anon and XYZCF! 

2 major major things jumped out to me that prove you are a strong and mighty woman:

1) You had the insight and fortitude to end a relationship that was unhealthy.

2) You bought a townhouse, all by yourself!

You did this all while in a state of trauma...because YOU are resilient!  These are things to celebrate!

Though I do not post much,  I know your story and I have always found you strong and inspirational.  Get the extra support you need from your doctor and therapist.  I look forward to hearing all about the awesome things still to come in Tyks amazing life!

Take care!!!!!!

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Re: 3.5 years in and stuck
#5: January 14, 2020, 06:30:12 PM

I'm so sorry that you find yourself with such depressed feelings.  I also get it.  Four months after BD I went in to my doctor and he strongly suggested that I start taking an anti-depressant.  It was something that I'd never even thought of having to do my entire life.  I was on them for about 8 months. 

I had been counseling with two of my Pastors but it just wasn't enough.  Like you, my job was really what I think held me together most of that first year after BD. 

I don't have any answers as to why these MLCers can, and often do, stay with people that don't treat them nearly as well as we once did.  I've wondered the same thing myself at times. 

Know that you have support here and that we will offer whatever we can to help you get to a spot that is a good place for Tyks. 
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Re: 3.5 years in and stuck
#6: January 14, 2020, 06:58:01 PM
Tyks, HUGS. BIG hugs.

I’m sorry to hear your plans had to be nixed with the fellow and his moving in, and also, I sure feel you on the challenges of getting off the couch, drying your eyes, and maintaining house payment. But I also hope you see the strength and discernment you’ve shown in making the decision to say no to a scenario that wasn’t working for you.

I don’t know if this will help in any way, but I offer it — one of my dearest friends was in Stage 4 and has come up out of that like a phoenix. A prayer on the side here that the fellow with cancer may develop a nicer way about him. But if you don’t want that or him, let it pass.

I know it had to hurt that September didn’t bring the result you wanted and hoped for and your h on his way home to you. A beautiful new home, at that, because that would be nice, I know. My guess is that he is being mean(er) to you at this time because he is fussed about the failure in his life and also at being left or momentarily dumped. So, a little bit of karma for him. I want to tell you to give that time to sink in, for him. Continue to let him feel the loss or chaos of his own choices.

As a mom, I also would feel rashly about the ow blaming your daughter. My hackles are up for you and your family about that. Not that my own feelings help here, but man, would that ever make me angry.

Be ok feeling everything that you feel. God knows we go through real depths in our cycles, and it sounds like you are at a very deep low. Make sure it’s not medical, and yet also, if you haven’t done the menopause valleys, be aware those can get *extremely* low, *extremely* fatiguing, and *extremely* emotional. Others have chimed in with solid care about mental health and support/relief through medications — if you go the pharmaceutical route, be careful with St. John’s Wort and be sure to discuss it with your health providers. That’s one I took only very briefly, years ago, because it amplified my emotionalism beyond a manageable level.

I recently attended a recovery summit in which it was suggested that during the worst, if your daily self-care routine consisted only of getting out of bed, getting outside for ten minutes, and drinking enough water — that is good enough. The point being to know your limits and to take care of You daily as best you can. In betrayal trauma recovery circles it is well understood that these events we are surviving have *shattered* our lives and psyches.

I triple quadruple quintuple the suggestion to work with a trauma specialist in your recovery. EMDR and bodywork and the like can help so much, keeping the focus on you and on your strengths and VALUE, your own worth and the good of your being. Whatever you are doing, or will do, I hope you will find the healing answers come forward for you in a way that is undeniable and that you will KNOW is TRUE.

I am envisioning you in a beautiful home and that you are feeling placid and calm and aside from all that has hurt you, that you feel enveloped in Love. We don’t know how long this part of our lives will last, but just know that it is a cycle. It will ultimately pass. You have to be present when the reward and fulfillment come. So just hold to that.

I had something of a new BD in late August and am still recovering from it. What I can say is that even as much as it hurts — and seems to hurt *worse*, almost, I’m not sure — the recovery time has been painful but ? it also seems to have been *shorter*.

I take that to mean we do get and feel stronger, as this “thing” courses through our lives. I am hoping you will find that too. I am hoping that, very much.

My guess is that your h is going to be nasty as much or as long as he avoids his own feelings. All of his own feelings. And it’s not nice of me, but I wonder if the karma bus has backed up a bit to press on his reality and show him more clearly the pain he has caused and is still causing you. I’m guessing it is or has, somewhat, and that may be why he is unkind.

My physicians here sort of pooh-pooh my concerns about my mental health. So this is just an aside, and in no way minimizing your concerns — the one thing that really helped me turn the tides emotionally and mentally was, weirdly, resuming a liquid vitamin D supplement. I have no idea what that does for the body, but along with epsom salt baths/soaks (magnesium), some of that terrible darkness has just receded, and does not return.

I’m glad you wrote here about all this and that the community has come in to uphold you. I hope you’ll continue to write here for a while now, at least until you feel like you’ve got it all in hand again. See to your health and build beauty and calm and sweetness into your home; you’ve got more power there than you might think!

I’m with you on the periodic wanting all the way out. Please fight that with all your might. That anguish is not all there is, and as much as it may feel like at times, that is not You.

Sending loves, prayers up, etc., and more hugs.
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Re: 3.5 years in and stuck
#7: January 14, 2020, 08:21:57 PM
Aw Tyks, Tyks.

I am so glad you were brave enough to come here and tell us what has been going on.
I was thinking of you not too long ago.
Three and a half years for me as well, and much of what you speak of, truly resonates.

We didn't think it would be this hard, this far down the line.

Either the crisis would have passed (RCR's h came back around this point in time, and Mamma bears, and Jaggers, etc...),
we would be so established in the GALing that we were so giddy about, a couple of years ago, that we wouldn't care.

In the meantime, we have learned about the shifting probabilities of returns
And the energy of GAL fades like limerence.

We are left with just us. The same old people we have always been.
Except that we no longer feel okay with that, because once we were loved,
and now we're not.

Your questions about why the MLCer stay with the ow are valid.
Re-read 1trouble - she has LOTS of experience with that

Do you know how lots of LBS's say that they just want an apology, acknowledgement -- any kind of closure?
I had that, in early December with my h.
He told me that he realized that everything he said about me, all the horrible things, were not true.
He said I was a wonderful wife, and his best friend, and that he is so grateful for protecting his relationship with our boys from his bad choices.

That gave me expectations alright.

It is so frustrating that the hopes are still there,
like gum on your shoe.

But here is January, and the silence has once again descended,
And my h is still with the original ow, who still works a block from my home.
Who lied to my h about how many marriages she had had,
who cost him thousands of dollars for her incompetence,
who has the emotional maturity of a 12 year old.
Somehow, she does enough for him to maintain her value in his eyes.
It is transactional, of that I am convinced.

Everyone's advice here is sound.
I am glad you are still here.
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7/16 - BD - PA - OW
Monster until 1/17
T&Gs until 8/18
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Re: 3.5 years in and stuck
#8: January 14, 2020, 10:55:33 PM
Tyks, I am so pleased you found the courage to come here and speak the truth. That's brave.

As you might know from my thread, I know that dark place you are.
Tbh, I still have passing moments so in a strange way it is reassuring to know that I'm not the only one.

Practical things first.
Pick up the phone and make an appointment to see someone. For Meds if you think that is the route you need, for an IC, or a good friend who you can talk to truthfully. You need a RL human to hear you.
Suicidal thoughts are not the same as suicidal sucks but it is ok to feel how you feel...just decide to postpone acting on the thoughts. A few hours, a day, a week. Your job is just to outlast the thoughts.
Put the big stuff in your head to one side and focus on the very small stuff today. Take a walk. Look at a tree or a flower or a sunset. Hug an animal. Eat something you like. Have a bath that smells nice. Small basic kind self care.

This time too will pass. You just need to surf it and let it pass.
Focus on how to do that. Baby steps are perfect.

Expectations are a b!tc# aren't they?
The ones with spikes are probably our expectations about ourselves....that we should be doing x or feeling y. Normal to have them, but still sucky.

There is a time of mourning I think. When you have survived the worst - and you have - and you realise that there is no going back. But you are in between the old life that was taken and you haven't yet built a new life that feels right to you. It is a time of acceptance with a capital A and a lot of us seem to hit it after three or four years. You are not the only one to feel this way. There is nothing wrong with you bc you feel how you feel. There is no magic timetable that you have failed to meet. And it will pass. I promise you, it will pass.

So, for a little while, go small and slow and kind with yourself.
Let it pass and then you can catch your breath and pick yourself up again.
We believe in you and you matter and this time will pass.

Sometimes when we think we are stuck it is actually more that we are catching our breath before the next push......I don't know why but the dark days somehow push us towards the next light patch.
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« Last Edit: January 14, 2020, 11:04:10 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: 3.5 years in and stuck
#9: January 14, 2020, 11:41:47 PM
Oh, and in case it helps your xh/ow monkey brain.....
All those why/how could they questions? All perfectly normal but the answer to most of them is 'bc that is how disordered unhealthy people behave'. These things are inconceivable to us bc we are (underneath our own pain) fundamentally healthy people.....the language of the impaired is a foreign language to us. And that is a good thing.
I hope that you can see objectively that, whatever their relationship is, it is not puppies and unicorns but actually rather unpleasant and weird. Not how normal happy adults behave. And that your xh did not find some magic happy life (as you might have imagined sometimes) bc he took his own s$it with him. And added someone else's s$it too.

Sometimes it feels very unfair that our prayers seem to go unanswered doesn't it? But from an outside perspective, if your h had run back it would have been a reaction to events not a choice. He would have come back as f'ed up a mess as he was before, maybe more so, and that would have simply been an extra burden for you to carry. Maybe even a distraction from other better healthier things and people that need your time and attention. It's hard I know but try to trust that you don't want him back until he has dealt with some of his own mess. Bc it was never about you and it was never your mess.
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« Last Edit: January 14, 2020, 11:44:44 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg


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