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Author Topic: My Story Thread 36 - The answer is 42

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My Story Thread 36 - The answer is 42
OP: January 17, 2020, 05:43:36 AM
Old Thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11077

If you haven't read Douglas Adams' "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy," the title of my thread is probably totally obscure....

Since my last thread is at 149 posts, I'll close it off with the link to this one...

42 is the answer to Life, the Universe and Everything in it, according to the supercomputer in the book....

After Christmas, xW went off with the kids to see xMIL and some friends down south. S12 said that it was "OK" but that he was bored...

They came back and S12 came to spend New Years Eve with me. R, her S17, S12 and I were invited to a friends for New Years so we went and had a wonderful evening.

On January 4th, D8, S12, and I took off for a week of skiing in the Austrian Alps near Salzburg with a group of friends from the neighboring village.. THAT trip was eventful as S12 broke his arm the 2nd day there. I still managed to get in some skiing. I had gotten both kids into Ski School for the week and was sitting eating my lunch when my cell rang.... ??? The voice (S12's Ski Instructor) on the other said told me that S had fallen and they thought he had broken his arm so I paid my lunch tab and started working my way half-way across the mountain to where HE was from where I was... In the mean time, I sent out a SOS to the others in the group as D8 was still in class and I had NO idea where they were on the mountain. One of the other parents that D8 knows said that they'd collect her from the ski school and get her back to the hotel while yet another grandparent on the trip (D8 was palling around with their GD12) said they'd watch over her until S12 and I got back.

So, collected S12, skis, poles, etc.,etc., etc. and got S12 to the car. Went to the local doctors office and, yep, his arm was broken alright... The doc said that S12 was going to have to go to the hospital because it was a bad break and surgery was likely.... Once we had a confirmed diagnosis of the break, I let xW know what was going on. She was concerned but didn't flip out so that was all good. Took S12 to a well-respected Sports Clinic (they have treated some World Cup skiers) and after LOTS of consultation, they decided they could set the arm without surgery but they were going to have to knock S12 out because they were going to have to pull the arm out so the bone went back into position... (The Austrians are VERY conservative when it comes to surgery on kids... Unless it is REALLY an absolute must, they won't do it).

Meanwhile, keeping the ski group (including D8), xW, and R informed of the latest developments was taking lots of time... When they sent me out of the room just before S12 got his KO drugs, I talked to xW, explained what had happened and what was happening with S12, who was taking care of D8 (not that she knows any of the people but that everything was under control) and said that I'd have S12 call her if he was up to it once he was back in the land of the conscious. To make a long story short, this all started at 1 pm and around 9 pm, we managed to get back to the hotel. They were so nice and kept a plate of food warm for me and then made a pizza for S12.

I got to hit the slopes again on Wednesday and Friday after taking S12 back to the doc on Tuesday and Thursday then we all came back to where we live on Saturday.

xW said more than once that she knew S12 was in good hands and that I was taking good care of him, thanking me for keeping her informed of everything going on, etc., so that made my life easier as well as S12's.

Ironically, xW wanted to "talk" to me and made a couple of comments regarding the financial agreements we had . She made one comment about money that I have in the US (which is a checking account I use to pay US-based bills and I shut that line down quickly by pointing out that this account was fed form my German account so it was already accounted for in the disclosure, unlike her inheritance from her father <boom!>  but then she started in about how I wasn't the only one who had suffered from the D. I just looked and said, that it was what she wanted and then comes the coup d' grace... She tells me that she is jealous of her sister (who has a stable marriage and 2 kids) and of me since my R with R seems to be going so well... She said that she had gone on 2 1/2 dates since she bailed (how does one go on a 1/2 of a date?) but that it didn't work.... I just nodded and said "Uh huh."  ::)   I finally wished her a nice evening and left...

Meanwhile, xW has decided to buy a flat (A Condo-like apartment for the US comparison) and will be moving in April after a fight with her landlord (who is a greedy shyster) . They are moving within the same town so the kids will not be changing schools again (thank goodness) and still be close enough to my apartment.

And that is about all the news that is news....

The company that I worked for has been fully acquired by a different company about 100 times the size so there are lots of integration meetings and such going on. All of us in my office are safe but there are some in the offices in northern Germany and especially in the UK that will be out of work in a few months (mostly back-office positions) so that has added a bit of stress to the mix but nothing too extreme.

To sum it all up in a sentence - 42

My life and that of my kids is going forward. xW is on her own trajectory, complete with choices, actions and consequences....

Not my circus, not my monkeys...

UM
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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#1: January 17, 2020, 05:50:45 AM
I was wondering where you were. On a ski trip, nice. Sorry to hear about your son's arm.
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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#2: January 17, 2020, 05:53:14 AM
Sounds like somebody is figuring out the grass isn't greener (slowly).

Ski trip sounds like fun.

I had to chuckle when I read the title. The movie was really good too.

-SS

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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#3: January 17, 2020, 06:58:18 AM
Quote
She said that she had gone on 2 1/2 dates since she bailed (how does one go on a 1/2 of a date?)
Hilarious!  Reminds me of something my mother (with dementia) said following a fall.  “ I broke 2 1/2 ribs!”.   So maybe your xw has dementia?

Sounds generally like your ex’s chickens are coming home to roost and she’s finally feeling some genuine regret. 
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"This too shall pass.  It might pass like a kidney stone but it will pass."
"Don’t blame a clown for acting like a clown.  Instead, ask yourself why you keep going to the circus."

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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#4: January 17, 2020, 07:09:21 AM
Welcome to your new thread, UM.

Sounds like you had a good trip, minus the broken arm of course.
Kids mend up pretty well.  It nice they just set it.  He'll be good as new before you know it.

Also sounds like some consequences are hitting Ms XW. 
It's to be expected.  No the grass is not always greener on the other side.  She can now envy her sister, who had just what she had and threw away so carelessly.

Oh well..

Glad to hear your job is safe.
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"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#5: January 17, 2020, 07:38:24 AM
Hey UM - sorry the ski trip had a bit of a glitch.
I am glad your son didn't need surgery.

I was nodding my head when I read about your xW - and her new "happy" life - uh maybe not so happy.
I don't have contact with my xH - but recently something came up that I had to contact him regarding an old account that was in his name.

I got a super helpful and friendly note back from xH- and a comment that he remembered my upstate home in the mountains - and how lovely it was and the nice times we had there. 
So I guess I am no longer some slimy ugly green ogre - with whom he was miserable the entire time.

My xH doesn't complain about his life - but I can see from the rare glimpses I get that he is not living with the grass green and the unicorns farting rainbows.
He has gotten fat - and OW is fat too.  (remember that he left me because I wasn't athletic enough and OW was a super marathon runner. Lies, all lies, but that was his story then at BD).
He has let his rental property look overgrown and like Grey Gardens - despite the fact he now lives about 5 minutes from the property rather than 1.5 hours.
OW is apparently unemployed - but got her real estate licence last year in the spring I think.
She is working for xMIL's real estate friend - probably he did a favor to xMIL.
She has yet to sell a home.
XH put his home up on the market for her - but it failed to sell so he removed it from the market - I suspect he will list it again late this Spring.
The "happy couple" used to post "family" pictures on FB all the time - that has stopped.
Do I think xH is absolutely miserable?  No - and really I have no way to tell - but I can certainly see his life is small and boring.

Me?  With the help of LP's tutelage - I have rebuilt a pretty sweet life. 
Financially I will never be in the same place I was with xH - but I am not suffering - not by a long shot.
I have expanded my circle of friends, I have revived some interest/hobbies and made some new ones.
All in all life is pretty good and drama free.

When I first came to HS, some mentor told me that this was like the race of the tortoise and the hare.
The MLCer is like the hare - at first shot they are out of the gate running like mad - looking like surely they will win the race.  The LBSer is like the tortoise - slow to start due to the shock of BD - much slower in pace.
If life were a sprint - the hare would be the winner - but life is a marathon - and if the LBSer is persistent - the outcome of the race shifts to the Tortoises.

Being responsible, GALing, doing mirror work - slow and painful eventually pays off.
The MLCers fuse burns bright and fast at first - but fizzles out - and it is common to see them disappointed with their "new life".


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« Last Edit: January 17, 2020, 07:40:34 AM by Airmid »

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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#6: January 17, 2020, 10:07:44 AM
Sorry to hear about your S12's fall and medical adventures. Nothing boring about that trip.

My S fell and broke his arm when he was small and had the same type of medical treatment. He healed up quickly without surgery and has had no problems since. Hoping your S12 has the same good results.

I just have nothing to say about your XW and her envy.  It is just insane for her to even say that out loud to you.  She had exactly that... a stable marriage with 2 kids and SHE blew it up because she didn't want to do the work. Now she is looking for pity from you. Pffft. Ridiculous.

Happy New Year UM!! Wishing you and your kids many blessings for 2020!!       

     
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― Jalaluddin Rumi

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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#7: January 17, 2020, 05:56:31 PM
Nice update, UM.

I hope S is mending well. 

Interesting to read that your ex was thinking you might have some secret money stashed away that she feels she's entitled to.   Nice that you could shut down that topic before it ever took flight. 

Happy 2020!
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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#8: January 18, 2020, 01:53:58 PM
Fantastic update, UM, minus of course your S and his broken arm.  If he's anything like you, I'm sure he will bounce back quickly and not skip a beat.

And, in regards to your xw being jealous of the very things she chose to discard....well, I guess she's the type who will always want what she can't have....even if she had it once and blew it.  Nothing to do with you.  Just keep on thriving and watering your own grass.
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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#9: January 18, 2020, 02:17:01 PM
Yes, definitely 42. Between that and Mercury Retrograde, it explains everything.  ;D I'm sorry about S12, and I hope his arm heals well. Its good that you went somewhere that knows what they were doing.

I am glad your life is going well.
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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#10: January 19, 2020, 02:17:44 AM
It sounds good, apart from the arm.  I hope there are no Complications.  What a shame he missed ski school.  I felt sad when I read what EXw said.  Such a lot of pain and damage, and for what?

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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#11: January 19, 2020, 02:48:49 AM
Quite the update, UM, from your S’s broken arm (may it mend speedily), to your job sitch, to your ex’s moaning...

I cannot help but make a comment that MLCer ain’t going to progress much until he/she takes full personal accountability for the mess he/she created.  I guess that goes equally for LBSs as well.  We are responsible for our own choices and mental state.  Such a simple concept, so hard to do...  You have embraced it and see where you are now! 

Well, for her sake, I hope your ex finally opens her eyes one day and learns to accept full responsibility for her choices and unhappiness. 


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My reconnecting thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10524.msg699615#msg699615

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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#12: January 21, 2020, 06:12:30 AM
Because I didn't want to Hijack Seahorses Discussion Thread on Christian LBS's and Dating, I'm pulling my Reply (rather lengthy and quite philosophical) to my own thread.....

UM has always said, before dating, to wait one week for every year you were married AFTER DIVORCE.
So, not even close yet for me (moved out 22 months ago, divorced 7 months ago, married 29 years!).
I'll be looking at the senior-citizen homes for a mate!   ;D

Sea

Seahorse, the rule I read was one month per year of marriage so for a 24 year marriage, 24 months or 2 years. I think it was OP that added the "after divorce" part but I don't remember exactly. I can tell you from personal experience, that, after 17 years of marriage, I was NOT ready to stick my hand in the fire 17 months after being separated, despite a few trial balloons (which invariably ended quickly) and one rather long-term R that ended by mutual agreement on good terms. I can also say that about 40 months after separation but only a few weeks after the D was final (it took 16 months from start to finish) and although I had thoroughly conceded myself to the "Single Old guy with 2 young kids and a dog" club (the male version of the crazy cat lady), decided that dating was most definitely NOT in my best interests (I mean, seriously, who in their right minds thrives on rejection, right?), and that being in an R with anyone was the last thing on this planet that was going to happen because I was just NOT interested, it was made clear to me that just maybe God had a different idea in mind for me.

I say that with no tongue in cheek or joking because God and I talked lots (OK, I talked lots, God patiently listened) and often and I told him that I was done with this "Relationship" nonsense so, if God had other plans or ideas, God was going to have to put them in motion because I certainly was not interested anymore. I had done my time, taken my losses, learned my lessons, and was now perfectly happy with the way my life was progressing.  I had my kids, my friends, my church, my hobbies if you will and the empty side of the bed just meant I could sprawl out if needed or, if a kid had a nightmare when they were at my place, there was a place for them.....

It wasn't "dating" in a classical sense at all but rather a simple meeting with a friend that I have known for 10 years with a mutual interest (Playing the Saxophone of all things) which blossomed from there. Does it mean that there are not some trigger points or that there is no fear? Nope, NOT by a long shot. There have been a stumble or two but we TALK about it and figure out what happened. We both have what she lovingly refers to as "battle damage" (the English translation from German) or what native English Speakers would call "War Wounds" but we DEAL with them as they come up. We have integrated a patchwork "family" with an amazing amount of ease, probably mostly due to our long "history," which included our kids knowing each other. There is not a day that goes by when I do not give thanks for the place I now find myself and ask for continued guidance because I would have NEVER, in a million years, envisioned this. In fact, I STILL find it hard to believe once in a while... You know, the usual questions - Why me? Why her? Why NOW of all things? Am I dreaming? Is this REALLY happening?

And it comes back to one thing - things happen in God's time, not ours. Things happen in God's way, not ours. We have free will and we do make our own choices and decisions and mistakes but, ultimately, unless we are purposefully choosing NOT to listen, NOT to discern, NOT to pay attention, regardless how far we stray away, we will invariably be guided back to the path God has set out for our feet to walk.... sometimes gently guided, sometimes with the subtlety of a brick through the living room window but we have to be in a position of an open and discerning heart to hear the message, regardless of how it comes. And we have to be willing to take action, make the decisions needed regarding that message when it comes.

Yes, I could have kept up my "Nope, not going to happen! NOT going down THAT road. Not me. Not now. Not ever." frame of mind but, instead I chose to be open to the possibility and to allow myself to be guided. That meant making the choice to be open, to make myself vulnerable (no easy task for someone with 2 strikes against them already), and to allow someone, no, to INVITE someone to come inside the walls of my defenses, to allow myself to get close, to give someone an intimate view into the depths of my heart and soul..... THAT, after all we as LBS's have been through, the betrayals, the hurt, the agony, THAT strength to take that risk far exceeds anything I have to offer.... 

"God, give me the wisdom to see the path you have set before me, the courage to set out, and the strength and will to persevere on the journey. All things come from you, all things return to you and within you all things are possible."
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Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
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BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#13: January 21, 2020, 12:50:56 PM
Amen UM.

I just hit my 20 months post-divorce in November. I am not by any stretch of the imagination "looking" or actively dating, but should the Lord place a nice guy in my path at a basketball tournament (because where else would I be) one of these days I might not send him packing right away.  ;D     
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“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#14: January 22, 2020, 03:38:35 PM
I'm 3.5 years post divorce and I hope that a nice guy happens to show up on a motorcycle ready to ride! 
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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#15: January 23, 2020, 03:54:08 AM
What a great post, um, and so true. I can attest to the fact that if you don't wait for awhile you will not succeed. It seems our "pickers" are broken for some time.

I am so happy to hear that it "happened" for you and wish you nothing but the best !
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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#16: January 23, 2020, 04:44:41 AM
Great post UM. I'm happy for you things are clicking along.
That's a big one ?? Waiting for things to work out.
We tend to always WANT to change God's plan instead of listen.  What We think is best is not always right.
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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#17: January 24, 2020, 06:52:18 AM
Hey UM

That was such a lovely post.... I’ve just gone onto a dating app but one of my 30 year old friends is going to have to show me how it works as I have no idea. I would like to meet someone as I do think it does help to move forward. I think it would help to put my relationship with the ex into perspective. If I meet someone else maybe I’ll experience what a communicative relationship is all about.

 It’s been over 2 years of loneliness and tbh I am a born again virgin. So it would be very nice to meet someone who I can enjoy their company and also start having a sex life again! 🤣🤣🤣

Limbo
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BD 1 - January 6, 2018 moves out
November 2018 - moves back in for 1 month then leaves saying relationship over, wants a divorce then flies over last minute to be with OW on holiday.
BD 2 - OW confirmed December 14, 2018 - meeting up with her for holiday
BD3 - engaged to OW December 21, 2018
BD 4 - tells me he is moving back to home country on January 27, 2019. Gives me 5 days notice. His flight date is February 1, 2019.

I just want the money and him out of my life!

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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#18: January 24, 2020, 08:29:43 AM
Hey UM

That was such a lovely post.... I’ve just gone onto a dating app but one of my 30 year old friends is going to have to show me how it works as I have no idea. I would like to meet someone as I do think it does help to move forward. I think it would help to put my relationship with the ex into perspective. If I meet someone else maybe I’ll experience what a communicative relationship is all about.

 It’s been over 2 years of loneliness and tbh I am a born again virgin. So it would be very nice to meet someone who I can enjoy their company and also start having a sex life again! 🤣🤣🤣

Limbo

Limbo - I haven't touched another human being sexually since STBXW in June of 2017.   :-[  I get the born again virgin feeling.  I dabbled, briefly, in online dating way too early, and MLCW caught wind of it. I don't think that helped my chances of reconciliation.  :( I have to take responsibility for my actions, but I was also influenced by having just moved out and having a very bitter divorced friend tell me I had to do it to move on.  I barely used the app, and the results were telling:  the few women who might have even been worth being vulnerable with knew immediately I wasn't anywhere near over W, and the ones that didn't call me out on that were severely broken.   :-\ 

Now, I'm nearly 3 years from BD and 2 years from moving out and I have my wedding ring back on and have no intention of meeting anyone.  I feel good about myself and have regained confidence in who I am.  I've quit prodding W for the D and I'm letting her move at her own pace (which is slow, but she's definitely filing papers as the court requests.)

My advice is to take it slow online; everything moves at a fast pace these days.  Most people online, men especially, seem to be after short term gratification and affirmation.  That also may depend on the quality/stated purpose of the site.  For ex:  Tinder vs. Eharmony  I wish you well in your journey.  We all deserve loving companionship.
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W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.
12/16/19  She files financial paperwork.  Divorce proceeding.

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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#19: January 24, 2020, 11:22:19 AM
"God, give me the wisdom to see the path you have set before me, the courage to set out, and the strength and will to persevere on the journey. All things come from you, all things return to you and within you all things are possible."

Love this. I have said a similar prayer just recently, but I think I may change it to this one now.  ;D

You really sound great UM. But then, you've always had a great way of looking at things in perspective.  Sad that XW is just now seeing what she threw away. And of course doesn't see it as her throwing it away at all. Back in the oven for that one.

Happy S is healing now. Broken bones are no fun. But happy no surgery. Sounds like 2020 is off to a great start for you my friend! Cheers!
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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#20: January 25, 2020, 06:08:48 AM
UM - Thank you for replying to my thread about dating...

As always, wonderful thoughts and definitely something to think about for awhile.

Like you, I have decided to let God guide me on this topic.
I didn't listen to Him in the past, and instead forced my way into what I wanted, so now I'm waiting...
Waiting patiently and confidently.
I know that the best possible relationship that I could have will depend on His guidance and His will.
I think that a dating app can be a way to meet a man, but (for me), I believe that God will put the right person in place for you wherever you are, whatever you're doing;
I know some would say that God wants us to use the technology at our fingertips, but it just didn't feel right.
It felt like I was trying to rush things along, even though I think I'd really like someone to spend time with right now.
My feeling about that may change with time and prayer..IDK.

Anyway - so glad that you had a (mostly) terrific time skiing - it sounds like quite a lovely time.
Except for broken arm - no fun, but so glad that S was well-cared for.
It sounds like it was handled well by you, R, and the clinic as well. - YAY!

And yes, - I am the crazy old cat (and bird) lady!

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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#21: January 27, 2020, 04:55:48 PM
Along for the ride, UM. Late for the party as usual.
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Together 28 years, married 27
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BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2: 2018 - FA
W moved out - June 2019
OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019
Divorce final - September 2019
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My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11537.new#new

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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#22: January 28, 2020, 05:28:34 AM
Following along UM. I feel absolutely no sympathy for your xW. She got what she asked for and now she's jealous of people who have what he tossed??  :o 

I hope your S is on the mend and happy to hear that things are going well in your new life. You deserve to be happy and have someone who cares about you.
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BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H and OW are together, presume PA  - 3rd June 2019
H gets engaged with OW (we are not divorced) - Oct 2019
H "finally" asks for divorce - Aug 2020

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#23: January 28, 2020, 06:36:08 AM
Following along UM. I feel absolutely no sympathy for your xW. She got what she asked for and now she's jealous of people who have what he tossed??  :o 

I hope your S is on the mend and happy to hear that things are going well in your new life. You deserve to be happy and have someone who cares about you.

S's arm seems to be healing well. He'll have a bit of a knob where the bone pieces are coming together since they are not 100% aligned but it is not an issue according to the doctor. There is about a 7 mm offset but at that age, the offset is nothing and better than having a metal plate put in and then having to have it taken out later.

I was at the doc yesterday to get a "suspicious" large freckle taken out so I have 7 stitches in my shoulder...  :(

R has early shift this week and I have S Sun-Tuesday night and then both on Thursday so we haven't seen each other since Sunday   :'(

A bit of a journalling....

xW has bought an apartment after she had yet another issue with her almost former Landlord (the guy is a walking Richard Cranium) and she backed into someone the other day so her car needs to be fixed. She was all in a tizzy about how she was going to get her car repaired and still be able to get around.. I just said that maybe her insurance would give her a rental and left it at that... Her problem to figure out, not mine.

xW and I had D9's "Report Card Discussion" with her teacher and she has A's and B's except for ... German where she has a C... She has the same grammatical, spelling, and writing errors that S12 did/does. Nothing that can't be managed if they were to concentrate a bit...  ::) But, well... kids....

D9 had a lovely Birthday party a week ago Sunday. I baked a cake again and made a new kind of frosting with Mascapone in it. It was GREAT.. Very kind of fluffy and not quite a sweet as the typical Butter Cream. D9 thought is was wonderful... that is what matters. D9 invited R to the party as well and xW was seemingly OK with it... so there were 2 1/2 adults and 11 kids there... xW was even late getting there with D9 and S12 <facepalm>  so it was a good thing that R and I were there on time... I, however, forgot the plates and napkins that I bought :-[ but I had the cake and drinks and all of D's presents from R, her kids, and I (books and "Slime"- what is it with kids that they love that stuff?)  and I thought I had put the plates in the bag.. Oh well... We had extra napkins so the kids had enough cake to give them a sugar rush for hours <snort>.

S12 keeps raving about R's homemade potato soup to the point where xW asked R how she made it and then didn't bother to really listen to the answer (surprise). The result was, according to S12, pretty awful because xW, for some unknown reason, substituted Chicken Bouillon for braised onions ??? To say S12 was quite perplexed would be an understatement... When S12 was telling us, we just looked at each other and shrugged....

The more time that passes, the wider the gulf between xW and I gets. Like others have said, I look at her and have a hard time recalling any kind of emotion, positive or negative... the person in front of me is no one I know anymore and really isn't someone I'd care to know intimately. The "Dumsel in Distress" act has played out and no longer has any appeal for me to ride in to the rescue.. Hey, it only took me 56 years and 2 trips around the MLC Mulberry Bush to figure that one out...
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Me - 57, xW - 50
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S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
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Divorce final 30 August 2019

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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#24: January 28, 2020, 07:04:07 AM
Those Mulberry bushes do take a long time to get around, don't they?   ;)

I love the.."Maybe the insurance co. will give you a rental."  Boom!

5 gold stars for that one, UM. 
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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#25: January 28, 2020, 07:11:33 AM
Those Mulberry bushes do take a long time to get around, don't they?   ;)

I love the.."Maybe the insurance co. will give you a rental."  Boom!

5 gold stars for that one, UM.

Her insurance is going to go through the roof. She averages a claim about every 2-3 years (MLC drivers anyone?) ... I was glad when I was able to get my own car insurance (initially I was on hers as the car was hers but that was years ago) and since then, my insurance while going up like everyone else's, didn't go up as fast because I was getting pushed every year to a lower risk category.

When I got rear-ended, the other guys insurance paid for a rental for me for 10 days. What a joke! My car - OK, xW's old car - I bought her a new one -was totalled so it took a while longer to replace it...
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Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#26: January 28, 2020, 08:21:44 AM
UM that is so funny.

My H got his first, any only, speeding ticket about 2 weeks after BD.

He got angry at a driver who was turning too slowly in front of him so he whipped around him..crazy fast. 
Cop sitting right there and nailed him.

 ::)
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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#27: January 28, 2020, 10:29:54 AM
LB's car looks like it weekends in the demolition derby.

My S had a knob too for awhile but as he grew it disappeared.   

The soup.  :o
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Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
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“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#28: January 28, 2020, 11:13:56 AM
It gets better than soup and I am seriously annoyed with myself....

xW is moving and has lots of stuff in her current rented flat that is/has been broken (sort of like her car - someone else's stuff or things that are usable is not important). So, she was telling me about her broken sink (the drain is opened and closed by a knob that one turns to raise or lower the strainer in the sink.

Anyway, she asked about it and I looked at it and it was clear what was wrong... Well, she asked if I could fix it because she had to take D9 to her violin lesson and stupid me said "yes." Took me 15 minutes to fix something that was obviously simply forced too hard.... Meanwhile, I'm thinking the whole time "Hey chickie, you FIRED me from this job. WTF am I doing this for?"

And I was doing well with the rental car thing....
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Me - 57, xW - 50
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S - 13, D - 9
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Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
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Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#29: January 28, 2020, 11:29:49 AM
You are just a nice guy UM and she knew you would fix it.  Just try to think you did it for the kids.

However, I do need to take 2 of your stars away.   ;D :o

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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#30: January 28, 2020, 12:02:24 PM
UM
I agree your nice guy. Just try and look at it like you fixed your kids sink. It's all good.
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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#31: January 28, 2020, 01:12:22 PM
You are just a nice guy UM and she knew you would fix it.  Just try to think you did it for the kids.

That is what S12 said too -"You're just a nice guy, Dad." after I mumbled (I thought) quietly to myself "I was fired from this job so why am I doing it?"  He was standing right behind me...

And we know where "nice guys" finish... last...  ::)
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« Last Edit: January 29, 2020, 07:44:54 AM by UrsaMajor »
Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#32: January 29, 2020, 09:12:58 AM
Late to the party!

Great post on dating Um. Thank you!
Sorry to hear about your son's arm. Glad that he is recovering.
As for nice guys finishing last... I don't think you're going to have to worry about that one. Your already steps ahead of xW!!

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
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ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
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 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#33: January 30, 2020, 06:33:06 PM
UM -

Following along.

As for nice guys finishing last... not true...
From the Huffington Post 2/2016:

"Forget the expression “nice guys finish last.” A new study finds that men who are concerned for the well-being of others in place of themselves may have a better shot with women compared to men who are just good-looking."

Bam!



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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#34: January 31, 2020, 03:02:51 AM
It doesnt look like you will be finishing last UM, your miles ahead of the Opposition.

Schönes Wochenende  8)
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BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. Is tolerated by LaFamiglia
2 Sons - 20 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#35: January 31, 2020, 03:25:28 AM
UM -

Following along.

As for nice guys finishing last... not true...
From the Huffington Post 2/2016:

"Forget the expression “nice guys finish last.” A new study finds that men who are concerned for the well-being of others in place of themselves may have a better shot with women compared to men who are just good-looking."

Bam!

<snort>

No danger there for me relying solely on my looks... That would get me nowhere fast...

It doesnt look like you will be finishing last UM, your miles ahead of the Opposition.

Schönes Wochenende  8)

So it would appear...

xW is in panic mode regarding her move and the condition of the flat she is vacating... There are LOTS of things that will need to be repaired... but that is not my circus or my monkeys to deal with... I guess that IS what happens when you are in such a rush to get away from one's own personal Satan (the LBS)  that one (the Mid-Lifer) jumps out of the frying pan and directly into the fire...
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S - 13, D - 9
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Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
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Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#36: January 31, 2020, 03:40:14 AM
Well it seems XW needs to hire a repairman.   8)

Just out of curiosity, why is she responsible for fixing things?  Shouldn't that be the landlords job?
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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#37: January 31, 2020, 03:52:19 AM
Well it seems XW needs to hire a repairman.   8)

Just out of curiosity, why is she responsible for fixing things?  Shouldn't that be the landlords job?

Depends if it is something that she (or the kids) broke or if it is a inherent "flaw" in the flat itself... A lot of things (as far as I can tell) are broken because they were simply not cared for (Renteritis - Not my property, not my problem)... I used to keep things working and fix things often in the house that she didn't pay any attention to or notice... Changing light bulbs for example...  But things like the fact there is now a crack in the toilet (how THAT happened is a mystery) where there wasn't when she moved in are the things she is looking at having to repair.... and pay for. Like I said, I did that kind of stuff int he house on my own and it was invisible to her....

Yeah, she will need to hire a few repair people.... plumber, someone to fix the entry door to the flat which no longer shuts quite right (I think I know what is wrong and it would take me 2 minutes to fix it, at least temporarily, but I am not saying anything as I was fired from that job... ), and so on...
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Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
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Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#38: January 31, 2020, 03:58:03 AM
Oh I see.  You break it, you fix it type of thing.

No fun when your back-up man is gone...er...fired.   ;)
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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#39: January 31, 2020, 04:07:12 AM
Oh I see.  You break it, you fix it type of thing.

No fun when your back-up man is gone...er...fired.   ;)

And fixing things for others instead... But xW doesn't need to know about that either... Not HER circus or HER monkeys... I've done a few things in the building where I live since it is only 3 apartments and the fixes have been quick and easy... It keeps the Landlord off our backs (although they are really nice people) and it kept our heating working once last year... Instead of calling the landlord who would then have to call the heating guy who would then make an appointment to come out (while we have no heat or hot water), I went up, looked at the heater, read the manual, figured out what the error code meant, filled the system, reset it and 2 hours later, everything was all happy hunky-dory. The couple that lives directly above me was happy (as she was SERIOUSLY Pregnant at the time) and the couple that lived on the top floor were happy because the heater is located directly outside their apartment door.

I've also helped R with a couple of things at her house and had helped S mount a mirror in her D's bathroom after the integrated lighting failed in the old one... It is all stuff that I used to do at our house too that xW never really noticed... But, just wait until she is in her own flat and doesn't have ANYONE to do this stuff except herself or the others in the building (4 apartments in her new place)... THAT could get expensive...
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Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#40: January 31, 2020, 04:22:51 AM
Nice, you kept the whole building happy.   ;D

You sound like a real handyman, UM.
Of course being a rocket scientist the manual was an easy read.  lol
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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#41: January 31, 2020, 04:46:14 AM
Nice, you kept the whole building happy.   ;D

You sound like a real handyman, UM.
Of course being a rocket scientist the manual was an easy read.  lol

Ironically, people seem to think that because I am a computer nerd, I don't know my way around a screwdriver...

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S - 13, D - 9
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Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#42: January 31, 2020, 04:59:16 AM
UM -
There's Mr. Nice Guy again!
You have such a kind heart; always willing to help people.
I'm sure your xW will realize that she needs to "man-up" and learn some skills -- or pay for the services...

I replaced the tower in my toilet tank this week.
I'm so proud of my self for spending only $19 instead of calling a plumber.
Hopefully, your xW will be able to read instructions and do the same once she realizes the necessity.
Cracked toilet is another story though.  I don't think I could replace a whole toilet!
Like you said - how does that happen?

Sea
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« Last Edit: January 31, 2020, 05:04:31 AM by Seahorse »
Seahorses have one mate for life...

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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#43: January 31, 2020, 06:06:59 AM
UM -
There's Mr. Nice Guy again!
You have such a kind heart; always willing to help people.
I'm sure your xW will realize that she needs to "man-up" and learn some skills -- or pay for the services...



<SNORT!> CLEAN UP ON AISLE 5!

Yeah, she's gonna have to "man-up" alright but I don't think that means she'll pick up a pair of pliers... She hasn't seemed to have had much luck at "manning-up" so far though from what she said... Of course, at D9's B-Day party, xW also was telling MY GF R how xW's TGF's were telling xW that she needs to wear her hair down if she wants to attract a man and other helpful advice ::) 

R told me about that conversation later and commented that she was beginning to see "behind the mask that xW shows to the world" (R's words) and was truly surprised at xW's lack of self-esteem... R commented that it seems as if xW is allowing others to tell xW how to live her life rather than taking charge of it herself... I just nodded and said "Yep" but I am SURE my face said "And that is why we are divorced." R looked at me and said "I suppose I should thank her TGFs because that means that I can have you. I was always jealous of xW because she had it all, looks, education, an important job, and a truly decent man for her H... But it was all show.. There was nothing behind the mask... except for you."

That "Helping Others" thing is the "fixer" coming out... What I still struggle with though is letting someone help ME. R has called me out on that several times...
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« Last Edit: January 31, 2020, 06:08:14 AM by UrsaMajor »
Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#44: January 31, 2020, 08:09:16 AM
UM -
I think there's truly a fine line between being a "fixer" and having deep concern for others and their well-being.
I am a fixer also, but I have a good heart which allows me to have compassion and care for others' problems.
I guess the distinguishing difference (redundant) is that as a fixer we feel we NEED to take care of a problem, whereas a compassionate person (not "fixing") offers help and solutions but doesn't insist. 

I am so happy that R is grateful for you and is seeing behind the mask on her own, without your intervention or putting thoughts into her head.  That must feel pretty validating to you.

Sea
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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#45: February 10, 2020, 07:47:10 AM
So, I seem lately to get inspired when I reply to other peoples posts and, rather than hijacking their threads, I pull my replies to my own....

This is in a reply to PJ's post about calling an end to his R with the Prof as he wasn't ready to go where she was in terms of an LTR and then One Day's reply to him.....

I talked about being ready and willing to take risks and went on from there...

================================================================================================

My own "baby step" last night was that R and I had made plans to go to dinner on Valentine's Day over the weekend after a discussion on whether Valentine's Day was nothing but Kitsch and a way to pull money out of people's pockets.

Last night, xW texts me and asks if I can take the kids that day and I remarked to R that it was looking like the dinner may be off. R was NOT happy (understandably) and we talked about it. I hadn't responded to xW yet by that time and when I did, I just said that I had already made plans and the kids were going to be with me on Saturday anyway so I'd get them during the day.

R and I then talked some more and I had to admit to her that what was really going on was that I was scared of how xW would react if I refused to take the kids when  she asked. This goes back to war wounds from xW1 and her raging Monster when she didn't get what she wanted. It took me a good hour or so to work my way through the whole set of tangled emotions and figure out WHY I was feeling the way I did, let alone to explain it.

In the end though, we did have that conversation and yet another layer of a smelly onion was peeled away (reference to the movie "Shrek" - "Ogres are like Onions, Donkey!""What, you mean smelly?""NO, we have LAYERS, Donkey, Layers!"). Is it scary? Darn tootin' it is scary... To let someone into the "Inner Keep" where one stores their treasure is scary because it means they could do me (or you or anyone of us) dirty again.

And you know what? xW2 was NOT happy about me having plans but she didn't fly off the handle. She was upset because it evidently spoiled her plans but that is what happens when one waits until the last minute to make plans so all my "angst" was unfounded and based on "war wounds" from long ago.

At the same time, my "coming clean" with R about what was going on made OUR R a little bit stronger, added another dollop of cement to the foundation....

Then, just to add a bit of random chaos to the mix (and this is partly my fault because I hadn't put 2+2 together correctly), xW is texting me and calling (I am ignoring her calls occasionally as sometimes they are not THAT important - Rule of 3), as you all may have read, there has been a severe storm that has blasted through the UK and is now barreling it's way though Europe - 80+ mph winds, etc.  Yesterday evening, the school districts decided to cancel school today because of the forecast. xW was texting me about what was she going to do with D9. I basically said that S12 was with me and I was taking care of that and D9 was with her. What I forgot was that xW had to leave this morning on a business trip (Monday is a "normal" kids day anyway so I had nothing in my calendar for Sunday)... After a bit of back and forth, she FINALLY said something about the trip and then the light bulb came on.  To make a short story long, I went and picked up D9, went to my flat before the storm hit (it took 3 days to clear the roads from the fallen trees the last time a storm like this came though and I had NO intention of dealing with that again) to get dog food, clothes for me, clothes for S12 and whatever we would need and then D9 and I went back to R's house where we stayed the night. Since R lives in a slightly more urban setting, I knew I could get to work, R is a teacher so she had the day off, her kids had the day off. When I told xW that I would come and get D9, that everything was under control and that both kids would be taken care of, she was a mixed bag of relief because she could still go on the trip with no worries but also a bit upset because, from what I gather, the kids (and especially D9) really like R and are always glad when we are together, regardless of where. That makes xW a bit uncomfortable as it is clear that I am moving on with my life and our kids are moving right along into the new situation with me.

xW was crying and carrying on about feeling so bad about not being with her "baby" (D9) during the storm but admitted that she knew D9 would be fine and that "Daddy would take good care of her." I think a big part of that was that xW was loosing her comfort companion and would have to pack for her trip (let alone pack for her move) all by herself - meaning that she would be alone with her own thoughts. Of course, this is all assumptions or speculation on my part.

Anyway, the height of the storm hit about 3 this morning with winds at 130 kmh or about 85 mph and D9 woke up scared. She came to us, knocked on the door and then came in. What really warmed my heart was that she curled up on R's side of the bed, reached over R to hold my hand too and fell asleep after talking a bit. About 10 minutes later (I think) she got up and went back to her bed and my dog slept right next to her bed the rest of the night. I guess it shows how comfortable D9 is with R at least but it was another little dollop of cement. Today, D9, S12, and R's S17 (today is his Birthday) went to see a movie together and were all playing (including R's D18) some video game for a while. R said that they were all VERY cooperative and friendly, even when she laid down the law about playing time, smart phone usage, and cleaning up after one's self after a meal,,,,

So, in summary and with respect to PJ's post, it really does depend on where we (the LBS) is on our own journey, our own healing, our own lives. Only we can know if wee are ready to explore a new R. Only we can know if we are ready to take that risk again. Sometimes it is a case of trial and error. Sometimes it is one baby step after the other as we allow ourselves to be vulnerable, to be open to someone else, someone new... Sometimes we find we are not as ready as we thought we were. Sometimes we may do the Cha Cha and for every 2 steps forward, we take one or two back until we find our own footing  with our partner (new or old)... but these are all things that are totally personal and no one can say that someone else's journey is "right" or "wrong" simply because we are not LIVING someone else's journey. we are living OUR story....
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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#46: February 10, 2020, 08:19:16 AM
Um, I found that post very inspiring. It sounds like things are going great with your new R. I am happy for you :)
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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#47: February 10, 2020, 08:42:33 AM
Very well said, UM.

I love that you talked it through with R and you came to some good conclusion, as to why you were afraid to say no to you're XW.  Check that one off your fear list.

Plus your XW learned a lesson, don't wait til the last minute.  UM has a new life now and he makes plans that he will not change, unless it is very important.

Your assumptions or speculation I think were pretty spot on, as far as your XW.  Why on earth would she have asked you to take the kids on Valentine's Day?  She knows you're in a relationship now, she had to figure you two were going to so something.  Hmm...I don't know about that one, UM.  But maybe that's just "jaded" me.  lol

That storm sounded awful.  Such high winds! I'm glad you're all ok.
I'm also glad your D feels so comfortable around R.   ;D
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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#48: February 10, 2020, 09:20:18 AM
Wise words, UM.
I have just posted something on my own thread about the challenges of building real intimacy in a new relationship after this kind of experience. For MLCers and LBS alike actually, but we LBS probably have an advantage if we have dug deep and got honest in the process of our own recovery in a way that I guess is less likely or easy for MLCers.

But for some LBS that learning will be part of their own journey in a new relationship as you say, and I am sure that it involves a bit of cha cha cha as part of the process.
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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#49: February 10, 2020, 12:34:42 PM
Yep, I can relate to many of the things you said UM.. Specially the cha cha part!! But it's true that this is a very personal experience and we all have to find our way through.. No rights or wrongs, just our own way.. trial and error as you said.

I found it interesting to read about your fear of your xW's reaction.. I have the same fear even though H has never really been in monster mode. Sometimes I feel that reading the horror stories here have made me utterly cautious and I avoid contact as much as I can.. And sometimes that might not be in my best interest but I can't help it. Definitely something for me to work on but reading that someone else has that kind of fear made me feel a bit better about it. Thank you!
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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#50: February 13, 2020, 02:57:14 PM

So, in summary and with respect to PJ's post, it really does depend on where we (the LBS) is on our own journey, our own healing, our own lives. Only we can know if wee are ready to explore a new R. Only we can know if we are ready to take that risk again. Sometimes it is a case of trial and error. Sometimes it is one baby step after the other as we allow ourselves to be vulnerable, to be open to someone else, someone new... Sometimes we find we are not as ready as we thought we were. Sometimes we may do the Cha Cha and for every 2 steps forward, we take one or two back until we find our own footing  with our partner (new or old)... but these are all things that are totally personal and no one can say that someone else's journey is "right" or "wrong" simply because we are not LIVING someone else's journey. we are living OUR story....


Excellent points, UM.

Good to hear that you and the loved ones weathered the storm. 
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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#51: February 13, 2020, 11:26:39 PM
OK, this is totally off-topic but....

I belong to a German "Shopping Club" for men's clothes because they have good deals on name brands and, well, let's face it, for the men, clothing styles really do not dramatically change from year to year... and 60%+ off is a good way to save a couple of Euros

But, when I saw this (being 56) i just had to laugh.... and thought, for all you lovely ladies on Valentines Day, this would get a chuckle out of you too.... You won't catch me DEAD wearing something like this... I'm not a "tighty whitey" kind of guy (Sport Boxers are my preference) but the brand name fits totally



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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#52: February 14, 2020, 08:47:31 AM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D..Omg, thanks for the Valentine laugh!
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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#53: February 19, 2020, 07:34:30 AM
If there was an MLC'er clothing line, I am sure those would be a top seller!!
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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#54: February 19, 2020, 07:46:18 AM
If there was an MLC'er clothing line, I am sure those would be a top seller!!

And here I figured a "bottom" seller

And just when you thought it could not POSSIBLY get any worse.....  :o

https://www.facebook.com/cc.tv/videos/2688505957836135/

Another tip for the Mid-Life Man..... "Brooklyn Ball Barbers" and yes, it is just what the name implies (Nothing explicit is shown but....)

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#55: February 19, 2020, 07:56:33 AM
Oh my days....mind you, to be fair, the 'vajazzling' industry is equally WTF to me.
Can't help but feel instinctively that the measure of a man is in other bits of his persona lol...but hey, I'm just old-fashioned that way. As we all know, smooth balls and a nice sleeve tattoo definitely outweigh those little quirks like rage and lying ha ha.

Oh to live a life where you have time to invest in such things rather than, idk, struggling kids or mortgages or clearing marital homes right?  ::)
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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#56: February 19, 2020, 08:34:59 AM
O-M-G

Why did you make me look.   ;D
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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#57: February 22, 2020, 07:56:24 AM
Yeah, Thunder......I looked too!

But I just busted right out laughing. 

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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#58: February 24, 2020, 11:54:25 PM
following along
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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#59: February 25, 2020, 07:22:05 AM
following along

Hi Ember,

You've missed all the fun <snort> between mini-Undies and Manscaping....
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#60: March 05, 2020, 10:37:54 PM
I'm a nurse, I've seen all the underwear and man parts that any woman ever needs to see in her life.
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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#61: March 06, 2020, 10:58:11 AM
Replay Man-panties. Love it.

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Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#62: March 06, 2020, 05:13:38 PM
Oh good God.  I chose NOW to follow along?!?

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Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#63: March 19, 2020, 08:04:40 PM
Following along on the party bus...
but DID NOT look!

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Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#64: April 18, 2020, 08:06:03 PM
What's been going on Ursa?
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Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#65: April 18, 2020, 10:00:31 PM
Yeah Bear - What's the scoop!
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Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#66: April 20, 2020, 03:47:06 AM
Well, let's see.... Been on "lockdown" for a month now practically, working from home AND riding herd on 3 teens from 13 to 19 years old... We had our "Easter school Holiday" where we couldn't do anything at all.... xW had my 2 kids one week (S13) for the week she moved into her new flat and R and I spent the week clearing out stuff and moving her two youngest kids into their new rooms (to make a short story long, after R's x ran off to New Zealand to get out of paying any child support, she rented 3 rooms to students at the Tech University to make ends meet and they have all left now plus her oldest had been "camping out" in the basement room for a few years and he and his GF just rented an apartment so we moved them in and I was able to get rid of a fair amount of stuff form my flat that way) plus painting, rearranging stuff, cleaning, etc., so for all intents and purposes, doing the prep work for moving myself.... I think we were in bed one night last week before midnight...

In addition, I have been doing all the technical coordination for getting our weekly Sunday Worship services online in a virtual format as well as being the Interim Rectors right hand and de facto assistant Priest (with NO official qualifications).

xW brought the kids over on Easter Sunday for their week with me and that was nice.... but.... D9 had had an accident on her Rollerblades and REALLY did a number on her knee.... When she got to me, it was pretty gruesome looking and infected to the point where I was wondering if I was going to have to take her to the ER on Monday. R and I washed it carefully, treated it with a disinfectant and wrapped it and, luckily, by Monday evening, it was already looking MUCH better.... and when xW got D the following Saturday, it was healing nicely, having been properly treated an cared for for 5 days in a row... But, as usual, xW did nothing and Sunday night, the scab cracked open and bled most of the night which xW attributed to us putting salve on it and making the scab "soft" rather than the fact that the scab had totally dried out and cracked because D9 moved.... Na ja, what can I say? D9 was only with us for 3 hours on Sunday so we didn't do anything with the injury that day.... R has figured out that xW is all about the show but when it comes to actually DOING something, xW is about as useful as a screen door in a submarine...

Today (20 April) it is back to work for me.... but my next project is to get my home office set up in the newly painted room upstairs and get things situated. The Ops Center is on Teleworking until at least May 3rd and I need to be able to work someplace besides at the Dining Room Table occasionally....

UM
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Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
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Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#67: April 20, 2020, 07:36:36 AM
Hello,

Good to hear from you. I am sorry that your daughter got hurt. I liked the opinion that your ex was about a useful as a screen door on a submarine.

I am also a month in on this quarantine. I takes getting used to but I have survived and we have our distance learning program going strong.

I did want to address the replay underwear. Very inappropriate, a shock to the system, and absolutely hilarious! I was thinking we could have our own line of T-shirts. Thinking of captions. "Excuse her but my real wife is hot"  "MLC- Not Done Baking"
"Just dumped my spouse, quit my job, and bought a new car No, I am not having a Mid Life Crisis"

We should think of other clothing items and accessories. Just thinking......

Have a great time with your family and try to stay out of the Emergency Room.

(((((Ready)))))
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Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#68: April 20, 2020, 10:00:27 AM
UM - thanks for the catch-up on what's going on...
Yes, you have been busy!

I'm sorry about your D's accident, but so glad that it was "just a knee" and not anything worse.
I'm glad that you and R were able to take care of the injury properly.
Sounds like (x)W can't stop blaming...  Never ends...

Unclear - so are you moving into Rs flat? 
Sounds like lots of changes ahead.

Keep us apprised, when you have time.
Hugs,
Sea
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Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#69: April 20, 2020, 12:52:40 PM
UM - thanks for the catch-up on what's going on...
<... Snip... >
Unclear - so are you moving into Rs flat? 
Sounds like lots of changes ahead.

Keep us apprised, when you have time.
Hugs,
Sea

Yes, Sea, that's the plan. R has a Rowhouse/Townhouse in the street parallel to where xW and I lived and I'm moving there over the course of the summer.

We've had some very long discussions about finances, kids (both hers and mine and them becoming "ours" as a unit), religion, and several other "sticky" topics but, when you've known someone for a long time (nearly 10 years), it's easier to broach those topics and really talk about them.

The best part though is that we've had our disagreements but there has never been the feeling of "She'll leave me now."

I do have to admit that giving up my apartment has taken a lot out of me and R is very well aware of that and gives me the time and space I need to come to terms with it. Iean, it is giving up a MASSIVE pievlce of security and placing myself at the mercy of someone... And let's face it, I'm zero for 2 so far so I have a rather crappy track record....
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Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#70: April 20, 2020, 02:28:41 PM
Well Bear -

Although you have some apprehension, it must be very exciting to be moving together.
And even more exciting that she and you can have open, honest communication where you can be vulnerable with each other.
That's so critical to a strong relationship...

Best of luck to you with your new situation.
Don't ever feel like you're 0/2.
You were just making yourself stronger for the RIGHT one.

Hugs,
Sea
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Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#71: April 21, 2020, 06:12:45 AM
Sea,

It is funny because, yes, there is a LOT of apprehension - more related to my own stuff rather than R fears.... But, on Sunday evening, I was out for the evening walk with the dog. When I came back, I was walking towards the front door and saw my S13, R's S17 and D19 all in S13's room chattering away like they've been related forever.... I just stood there for a couple of minutes and drank it in. Then I came in, let the dog off her lead, went upstairs and gave all three a big hug and told them how much that moment meant to me. I think they were all surprised a bit....

One of my trigger points is when I have to go back to my flat and get another load of stuff..... There is a lot that I need to dispose of, lots that I need to move, and the amount of work is pretty overwhelming, especially in the current situation where we are restricted in our movements. I can't rent a van and do a huge transfer so it is a station wagon load at a time.....

But things are coming together slowly. I have takers from some of the bigger items like a refrigerator/freezer, a dryer, maybe a bed.... At the same time, there are things I need to get like I am building a custom disk for myself in order to replace the one I have which isn't nearly big enough, nor does it fit my needs so I am adding on one side and reducing on the other... and there are some dependencies (like me getting the desk built so I can get the paperwork and PC in my current home office moved so I can clear that part of the flat out and empty the shelves there so I can take the shelves apart and move them here to put them in the new TV Room)....
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Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#72: April 21, 2020, 06:37:38 AM
UM -

What a moment to cherish - seeing the kids together like they've known each other forever.  I imagine that it would warm your heart, and let you know that everything's going to be okay.

I get how difficult it is to consolidate, since I'm moving from our marital home to one less than half it's size in 6 weeks.  It's good to give away what is too cumbersome to move, and can't be sold.  I find FB marketplace to be a great option for offloading easily, and earning a very small bit at the same time.  Maybe you could rent a Haul van instead of your station wagon?  That should get things moved a littler quicker, and still meet restrictions?

Good luck - it's an exciting time for you!

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Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#73: April 21, 2020, 06:53:02 AM
Maybe you could rent a Haul van instead of your station wagon?  That should get things moved a littler quicker, and still meet restrictions?


Car/van rental shops are non-essential services so are closed... That is why it's my car or nothing at the moment....

Ironically, the kids HAVE known each other for ever. D19 used to babysit for xW and I when S13 was S7 and D9 was D3.... In fact (just to add to the irony), R's D19 babysat for us the night before ABD when xW and I went to my company Christmas Party....  :o  This year, R and I went together and it was really nice...
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« Last Edit: April 21, 2020, 06:55:49 AM by UrsaMajor »
Me - 57, xW - 50
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BD#1 - August 2015
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Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#74: April 21, 2020, 07:08:06 AM
That's crazy about the moving truck rental.
I can understand having a company move you, but just renting a van... UGH.

Your life sounds so peaceful and calm right now (with the exception of the moving stress).

I'm so glad that you found R, and are settling in with her family.

Is your D able to spend more time with you - I know a year ago (or so), she only wanted to be with her mum...
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Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#75: April 21, 2020, 07:17:34 AM
Is your D able to spend more time with you - I know a year ago (or so), she only wanted to be with her mum...

That hasn't changed too much but that is more because MOM wants to glom on to her.....
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Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#76: April 21, 2020, 07:35:59 AM
That's always what it's been about...

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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#77: April 21, 2020, 07:38:53 AM
UM, didn't your X find a mover when she moved?

I've done it both ways and I'd gladly pay someone to do it.
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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#78: April 21, 2020, 07:47:38 AM
UM, didn't your X find a mover when she moved?

I've done it both ways and I'd gladly pay someone to do it.

She had her move arranged and paid for before the Lockdown hit. I was looking more towards fall but, with the Lockdown, things have accelerated a bit... All I really will move is my couch, a couple of shelving units, and clothing. Everything else that's not specifically needed will go away...
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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#79: April 21, 2020, 08:06:36 AM
Oh wow, you're moving light!   ;D

You HAVE to take your cool table!
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Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#80: April 21, 2020, 09:11:23 AM
UM, Good to hear from you, was getting worried, glad all good things (except your D's knee).  So happy the kids are blending nicely.  I am excited for your new beginning!

I understand the move angst perfectly, only I am a bit too sentimental, so more angst for me.  This will be your second move since, BD?, so maybe not so many memories.  Did 12+ SUV loads this winter to clear out my mother's place plus a moving company.  The stuff just expands and grows.  Good luck--everything is moving to a happy beginning. 
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Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#81: April 21, 2020, 10:39:07 AM
Glad to hear all is well with you!!  Well, aside from moving housing amid a global pandemic. Wishing you much happiness with every step of this move.  Stay safe and well.   
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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#82: April 21, 2020, 11:16:20 AM
Oh wow, you're moving light!   ;D

You HAVE to take your cool table!

If you are referring to my cool living room couch table, it is already gone and is living a new life in R's oldest sons apartment as one of HIS first pieces of furniture that is not something rescued from someone else's big trash....
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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#83: April 22, 2020, 03:02:41 AM
Well at least it got a good home.   :D
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Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#84: April 24, 2020, 03:29:36 PM
UM, I'm very happy for you to be moving in with R and that your children are getting on so well.  I hope the apprehension you're feeling around this step will dissipate.  From where I am sitting, it sounds very desirable to have a new beginning with someone special and committed, to create a home together with kids and pets, in a row house with some yard attached.

If you don't find this question too personal, I'd be interested in hearing what you fear most about this move.  Is it that the relationship may not work out, that you give up your freedom to make decisions on your own and have your own living space, or, that you may not be able to love R as whole-heartedly and innocently as you probably loved your xW?  The latter is what I sometimes wonder about for myself, that is, if I would be able to love someone again so fully and unquestionably.
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Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#85: April 25, 2020, 08:16:10 AM
Nice updates, UM. 

Life does, indeed, move on and it seems you are well into the next chapters. 

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Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#86: April 27, 2020, 03:56:30 AM
If you don't find this question too personal, I'd be interested in hearing what you fear most about this move.  Is it that the relationship may not work out, that you give up your freedom to make decisions on your own and have your own living space, or, that you may not be able to love R as whole-heartedly and innocently as you probably loved your xW?  The latter is what I sometimes wonder about for myself, that is, if I would be able to love someone again so fully and unquestionably.

What do I fear most about this move? Hmmmmmmmmm .......

I think that, at the moment it is the fact that I am giving up a "safe Haven" that I have carved out on my own. I'm closing in on 5 years to BD1 and 4 years ago this month had firmly moved into my own apartment. It took me nearly a year to get accustomed to having that be my "home" and I am not sure I ever really felt like it was "home" but it was MY place, my sanctuary where I could be safe... I am choosing to give all that up and place myself into someone else's hands (quite literally) and that to me is a leap of faith. I am moving into someone else's house that is already set up and running. How much "room" do I have for my own sense of self when trying to combine my existence into an existing house?

Does that mean that maybe I am not ready to make the move? I don't know but I can see that, if that is the case, it is also possible that I would NEVER be ready. There would always be that sense of risk of loss of safety....

I had brought a big bag of things that I used to have on my tables and when we were looking through them, it was clear that they were not R's taste at all (wrong colors, etc) and I just said that the stuff can all go in the Donation bin. R was NOT amused and said that I needed to stop doing that because at some point it would come back that I had given up everything I had to move in (which is in many cases the truth).... She did pick up on that and it is OK. I told her that it was all just "stuff" and "stuff" was not going to keep anyone happy over the long term... She just said that she wants to integrate our lives and not just that I slip in and things keep going they way they already has and that she was ready to also put some of the things that she used regularly into storage in place of stuff that I used regularly, especially if mine was better quality....

It is a bit of what Germans call "Kriegsschaden" or "Battle Damage" and we both have our fair share.....
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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#87: April 27, 2020, 04:41:37 AM
UM it's nice she is willing to compromise.  I really think that is important.
It has to be your place too.  It's not just stuff, it's part of who you are.

I know when my H moved into my original house (we weren't married yet), it was hard for him to see stuff of my X's there.  Not his stuff but just things he built or things he did to the house.
When I sold that house and we bought a house together he said NOW this is OUR house.
So even though he never said anything, it did bother him.

I think slowly that will become both of your house.  Just a matter of time.

Are you all moved in now?

Everyone healthy and safe?
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Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#88: April 27, 2020, 05:40:39 AM
Nope, I am a long way form moved in.... Bit by bit, I am getting stuff moved but trying to figure out what can go where and thereby what I keep and what I dispose of (therefore selling where possible) is taking a long time in this environment.

I have been here int eh house 24x7 for several weeks but the amount of stuff I can move at one shot is limited to what I can pack in my car....
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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#89: April 27, 2020, 05:59:19 AM
Oh I see.  No chance of renting a U-Haul, huh?
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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#90: April 27, 2020, 06:01:07 AM
Oh I see.  No chance of renting a U-Haul, huh?

Not yet.... Things are just starting to reopen, slowly but surely... and first I need to get a clothes closet to move that stuff... Then the sofa, the Stereo, and the rest of my office... After that, it is sales and big trash....
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Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#91: April 27, 2020, 06:27:12 AM
Quote
It is a bit of what Germans call "Kriegsschaden" or "Battle Damage" and we both have our fair share.....

Congratulations and I hope you will both be happy.  I so understand the above.  The challenges of a new relationship later in life with the accumulated experiences - not for the faint hearted, but I am sure it will be all the more rewarded for being so intentional.

What nice news amid so much bad.
 
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Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#92: May 01, 2020, 03:38:25 PM
Ursa, thank you for explaining your feelings of apprehension connected to this move.  This makes a lot of sense.  Giving up your safe haven and integrating into an already established household is probably quite hard.  I hope you will feel at home in no time, and if you don't that you and R will figure out something after a while (like purchasing a house together).  I can imagine that it may also feel a bit odd at times to be living so close to your and your W's home.  Before BD, you probably would not have imagined that you'd be in a relationship with R and move into her house some day...
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Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#93: May 05, 2020, 06:55:50 AM
I can imagine that it may also feel a bit odd at times to be living so close to your and your W's home. 
Not to mention knowing that there is someone else living there now... I can see the back yard from the window....

Before BD, you probably would not have imagined that you'd be in a relationship with R and move into her house some day...
To say that I never would have imagined this scenario is a million years would be an understatement.... Neither of us would have imagined it (R or I) and we've talked about it a couple of times already....
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Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#94: May 10, 2020, 07:55:08 AM
Hello,

Quote
The best part though is that we've had our disagreements but there has never been the feeling of "She'll leave me now."

I have a bad habit to escalate the fight into an "it's all over moment". That was really strong in the first few months, now six years later, I am in a different place. More stable.

Quote
When I sold that house and we bought a house together he said NOW this is OUR house.

Same feeling here. However, it was with great apprehension to leave a house I had lived in for 20 years to live in a new home in a different city. However, the statement is right, it is our house and we make it work as a couple, New furniture and everything else.

Quote
but the amount of stuff I can move at one shot is limited to what I can pack in my car....

I was lucky, I had my father's truck. I think I  moved everything I was bringing in a couple of truckloads. The rest was donated or trashed. It was like cleaning out my life, starting fresh. After all, we are building a new life together.

Best of luck to you and R and I wish you the very best!

High five to my demented and very funny friend,

Ready

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Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#95: May 11, 2020, 07:19:41 AM
Hello,

Quote
The best part though is that we've had our disagreements but there has never been the feeling of "She'll leave me now."

I have a bad habit to escalate the fight into an "it's all over moment". That was really strong in the first few months, now six years later, I am in a different place. More stable.

R & I both have a bit of "Battle Damage" in that regard so the fact that we are not reacting to this is a good sign.....
Quote
but the amount of stuff I can move at one shot is limited to what I can pack in my car....

I was lucky, I had my father's truck. I think I  moved everything I was bringing in a couple of truckloads. The rest was donated or trashed. It was like cleaning out my life, starting fresh. After all, we are building a new life together.

I'm bringing stuff over bit by bit and seeing what fits where. As this is, de facto, her house, there is a lot of what I have in my apartment that will go ... I already have ads out for some of it and it would be a shame to just toss it as there are some good things there but, in reality, a 2nd apartment is really nothing more than a VERY expensive storage locker and who needs that?

Best of luck to you and R and I wish you the very best!
Thank you! So far, things are still good, even after nearly 8 months. Her kids and I celebrated Mother's Day yesterday and I had given my kids some money so they could get xW something. I stopped doing anything for her years ago after the 3rd or 4th time she snapped at me "I'm NOT your mother!" My reply was always the same - "Yes, I know that but you ARE the mother of our kids and that is, in itself, deserving of notice." Didn't make a dent in her perspective though.... Probably since she doesn't have all that great an R with her own Mother....::)

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Divorce final 30 August 2019

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Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#96: May 18, 2020, 06:26:39 PM
I see it the same way as you.  Acknowledging them as the mother/father of your children is honorable.  The first year we were D'd I bought a gift for both xH and his Dad for my kids.  The 2nd year, he was in a relationship, but I still helped the kids pick out a Father's Day card for him.  THAT was really hard.  Every card we read did not describe the type of Father he was and seemed false.  We eventually settled on one.  I guess it's not our fault that the cards just did not describe this man that chose to walk away from his family.  I always try to ask the kids if they want help or if they need money to pick out something, etc.  Last year I gave them money to go pick out their own gifts for him.
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M-42
H-44
S-20 (mine)
D-18 (ours)
S-15 (ours)
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17 (told me 4 days before)
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
New GF 2/29/20 (Told me 4/22/20)
Married her 4/24/20 (Told me 4/22/20)

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11618.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

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Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#97: May 20, 2020, 08:10:39 PM
Congratulations!! It sounds like you two are taking it slow and your communication is awesome. Best of luck.
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Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#98: May 29, 2020, 05:26:33 PM
Um continuing to follow along.
Life seems pretty stable for you right now.
Nice...

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Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#99: May 30, 2020, 02:58:45 AM
As stable as it can be with Corona and flights to the US in July that we very likely can't take..  And to get the money back? Around 8k$ for 6 people....  :-\
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Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#100: May 30, 2020, 06:00:10 AM
Well -- maybe I should have said your personal/romantic life...

I do believe that you should be able to fly to the US in July.
I also have flight out of the country in July which I am hoping is still a "go".
These are the flights I had to rebook from March with added fees because of summer, and upgrades to first class to get on a plane.
They won't let me rebook a second time (deadline to fly is August 1st), so I also am looking at losing a ton of $.
So -- bottom line.
Think positive, and hope for the best.
I'm staying optimistic about the trip.

Enjoy our time with R.
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Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#101: May 30, 2020, 04:17:27 PM
Hi UM, I hope you will all be able to fly to the US in July or get your money back.  We were supposed to fly to England in June with a friend and her daughter.  Our tickets from Lufthansa were in a lower price category and non-refundable.   I phoned Lufthansa a couple of times.  When Germany extended the international travel warning, Lufthansa offered us to receive a voucher, and we were told that if the flights get cancelled, we could ask for a refund.  They did get cancelled about two weeks ago (i.e. about three weeks prior to the departure date) and we are now in the process of being refunded.

It's exciting that you and R are planning to go to the US together.  I am wondering what your xW is thinking about it all - you being in a stable relationship again, moving into your old neighborhood, D and S having a new home with other kids they like a lot.  I wonder whether she feels that she is missing out and may have made a big mistake.
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Me: 49 (43 at BD1)
H: 54 (48 at BD1)
D: 12 (6 at BD1)
Met in 1995, married since 2000
BD 1: August 2014
BD 2: October 2015, H moved abroad
August 2018: Received divorce papers in the mail unexpectedly
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Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#102: June 02, 2020, 06:56:36 AM
It's exciting that you and R are planning to go to the US together.  I am wondering what your xW is thinking about it all - you being in a stable relationship again, moving into your old neighborhood, D and S having a new home with other kids they like a lot.  I wonder whether she feels that she is missing out and may have made a big mistake.

Don't really know. She IS still really wrapped un in her Barbie world of making all the appearances with none of the substance (all about the  "aüsserliche Erscheinungsbild") or, as it is known in MLC terms, the mask is firmly in place for the world to see.... She has said a couple of times that she is jealous though...
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Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#103: June 02, 2020, 07:01:51 AM
I sure hope you get to fly in July, UM.  It's been a bit since you've been back here, hasn't it? 

Does R ride on the bike with you?  Been putting any miles on? 
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Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#104: June 02, 2020, 07:15:53 AM
I sure hope you get to fly in July, UM.  It's been a bit since you've been back here, hasn't it? 

Does R ride on the bike with you?  Been putting any miles on?

It looks like we might actually get a refund... The latest Proclamation says US Residents and SPOUSES can fly in but that is about it. And, since the Consulate has been closed down totally since the beginning of this mess, I haven't been able to get new US passports for my kids (they have both now expired) so that is yet another issue..... Our travel agent seems to think that they might be able to get a refund...

Now that the US is dealing with the violence on top, the government is not going to be paying any attention to the restrictions on international travel currently in effect (Beneath the radar) so things won't change in the next 4 weeks..... except maybe to get worse.... it isn't like the real number of Corona cases in the US is falling...

R loves to ride with me and, up until a few years ago, had her own bike (A Yamaha Tennere) but sold it. Unfortunately, my/our weekends have been consumed with moving, rearranging her house to accommodate her kids and mine, working at home, home schooling, etc., and my bike hasn't seen any miles at all.... :-( :'(
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#105: June 02, 2020, 07:25:19 AM
Oh I hope it's a go in July, UM.  My son has flights to come here in July too.
But it's only from Idaho to Mpls so I can't imagine theirs will be a problem.

Are you going to visit your mom?   :)

Edit... we were posting at the same time.  In some places the number of cases of the virus has gone down the past two weeks.  So maybe, huh?

As far as the riots I think their in quite a few countries and cities now, but hopefully thing calm down by then.

If nothing else I hope you get a refund.
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Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#106: June 06, 2020, 02:17:04 PM
UM - Also wishing that you're able to travel to US next month.
I'm not sure about a work-around for the passports though.
The government offices are so unable to handle anything right now.  UGH.

You know I don't like motorcycles, so I'm not upset that you haven't had time on yours.
But - I also know that's my projection...  :D

Enjoy your new home, new family, new time together.

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Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#107: June 06, 2020, 07:53:39 PM
Travel to the US in July? Hmmmmm... it is a hot mess here these days. I am trying to figure out how to get out myself. I love to travel and having no future travel plans right now is kind  of depressing.
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Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#108: July 06, 2020, 03:04:39 AM
I love that UM . Not my circus.  Not my Monkeys. I am going to have to use that about my sales teams at work.
Interesting to read your post about skiing and business etc. it’s hard to imagine what people are like from ready their posts and advice. The way you write is fantastic and I appreciated your strong and forthright comments early as they strengthen my resolve. I think many or most of us on here probably long for reconciliation in the early stages or the return of the partner we use to know. That said I think some tough love is required either way on these MLCers because they will either be gone for good or bounce around but I want the bounce to be done with some firm emotional and financial boundaries.
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Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#109: July 06, 2020, 04:12:49 AM
Thanks Benson,

I have to be honest that the "tough love" is more often aimed at the LBS. It's not that I don't have compassion because I know EXACTLY where most are coming from because I've had the <sarcasm on> "good fortune" <sarcasm off> to have gone through this BS twice now. xW1 was a very high-energy Monster that made Godzilla on a bad day with rabies look like a bunny rabbit. xW2 was and is a wallower and a clinger.

But, what's important is making sure that the LBS is financially and legally protected, no matter how much we wish and want this to just "go away." It will pass, much like a kidney stone or a tornado, very painfully and with lots of destruction.

The focus of the LBS needs to be adjusted from looking at the Mid-Lifer and the series of absolutely Bat-snot crazy choices they make to our own choices that we make and our own growth.

This is NOT our crisis, although we are dealing with the fallout and the results. We can not, however, solve their crisis. We can not fix them. We can not control their actions, their choices, their decisions and we sure as Hades had better not be shielding from the consequences of their actions.

All we can control is our own lives, our own reactions, our own circumstances (and those of our kids if applicable). That is why I occasionally apply the 2x4. The focus of the LBS MUST be on the person in the mirror and not the Bug in the Edgar suit that the person formerly known as "Spouse" has turned into....
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
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Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#110: July 09, 2020, 07:27:29 PM
Quote
It will pass, much like a kidney stone or a tornado, very painfully and with lots of destruction.

So true, UM. So true.
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BD #2: 2018 - FA
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My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11537.new#new

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Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#111: July 10, 2020, 12:08:16 AM
Before anyone gets too worried that I'm not around much lately, we (R, R's D19, R's S17, S13, D9 and I) are on 3 weeks of summer vacation. Since our planned visit got blown away by Corona and the travel restrictions to/from the US for non-citizens, we scrambled and found a lovely house in Northern Germany to rent for the time (Room for 6 people is NOT easy to find!)

If you want to see where we are, Google "Mecklenburgische Plattensee" and the village Teterow.

I'll pop in occasionally but I didn't even bring a laptop so, it's phone or nothing....
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Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#112: July 10, 2020, 03:13:19 AM
UM,

Have an amazing vacation! I’m sorry your original plans had to be altered although it looks like you’ve found yourself a terrific alternative.
Enjoy!

Believer
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Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#113: July 12, 2020, 01:46:07 PM
Your vacation spot sounds wonderful, UM  GlD you were able to get away at least!  Enjoy your time together!
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Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#114: July 15, 2020, 10:17:42 AM
My wanderlust is getting the best of me... I googled your vacation spot on my lunch break and it looks lovely. I hope you are all having a great time!! 
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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#115: July 15, 2020, 10:44:15 AM
Wow- a vacation in the summer of 2020! Consider yourself in the 1%:). Am stuck in the USA, the land of the great unmasked.
Enjoy!
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Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#116: August 30, 2020, 02:07:11 PM
I hope your vacation was fantastic.   You probably didn't miss much here as most of the west was on fire anyway.
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EA - 9/15-4/16
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Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17 (told me 4 days before)
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
New GF 2/29/20 (Told me 4/22/20)
Married her 4/24/20 (Told me 4/22/20)

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11618.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

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Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#117: September 03, 2020, 08:12:43 PM
UM -
Hope your vacation was terrific.
Sounds like a lovely spot.
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Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#118: October 25, 2020, 04:32:08 AM
Found this and thought it woudl be a good reminder for those who are affected:

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#119: October 25, 2020, 05:51:08 AM
Very good!  So true!   :-\
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Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#120: October 25, 2020, 05:59:51 AM
Love this list.  Saved a screenshot.  Worth hanging on the mirror.  Thank you.
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Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#121: October 25, 2020, 08:19:15 AM
Darn good list, UM
8/10 score for me lol....do I get a sticker or a lollipop lol?

And how goes it on your bit of the planet?
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Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#122: October 25, 2020, 11:11:30 AM
UM - Nice reminder.
Reminder of what we endured or are enduring.
Reminder that gaslighting is a form of abuse.
Reminder that MLC is horrible...

Hope you and R and families are doing well.
Miss your posts;

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Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#123: October 25, 2020, 12:11:46 PM
Good list.  But did anyone else notice there are two 5's?  xH at this point would say there are not two 5's.
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Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17 (told me 4 days before)
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
New GF 2/29/20 (Told me 4/22/20)
Married her 4/24/20 (Told me 4/22/20)

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11618.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

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Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#124: October 25, 2020, 12:40:36 PM
Well spotted, Faith!
Darn....is the gaslighting list gaslighting us?  ::) ;D
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Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#125: October 25, 2020, 12:40:54 PM
Good list.  But did anyone else notice there are two 5's?  xH at this point would say there are not two 5's.

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Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
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Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#126: October 25, 2020, 12:41:58 PM
Faith Walker -
I totally missed that, which is unusual because I am the person who usually catches misspelled words and other errors.  Interesting. 
Your thought about MLCer unable to see facts is interesting...

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Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#127: October 25, 2020, 05:02:58 PM
Thanks for sharing UM.

The last one is the one that really resonates with me. I'm one of those who "spied" on xw to confirm what I knew was true but was told I was imagining.
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Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2: 2018 - FA
W moved out - June 2019
OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019
Divorce final - September 2019
Card-carrying member of the Iffer Party

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11537.new#new

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Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#128: October 26, 2020, 08:20:45 PM
I do NOT miss collecting "proof" that I was not imagining things. And will never understand an individual who would say "You were right when you told me you felt like you were in the relation ship alone and I said I was engaged in the relationship. I had checked out. That must make you feel good."
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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#129: October 28, 2020, 04:33:41 AM
Sadly points  1,5 (both of them), 6,7 and 9 relate to my S who has become more and more of a gaslighter and I am at my wits end to know what to do.

I recognise it when he's doing it but anytime I try to defend or argue my perspective I get shouted down. 

Short of kicking him out onto the streets (he has no job or income so really would be on the streets) I live from day to day with point 7 always wondering how he's going to be each day.

Thanks UM - appreciate this.
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Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#130: October 28, 2020, 04:58:56 AM
I'm really sorry to hear this. It is hard enough when a Spouse does it but with them, there are consequences. With kids it is less easy. Like you notesd, what are you going to do? Toss him out on his ear?  Call him on it and get shouted at?

 :'(
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Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#131: October 28, 2020, 08:38:10 AM
I'm so sorry, Song, that must be exhausting and difficult with your son. It's a reminder I suppose that this kind of behaviour is all too common with disordered folks who are trying to avoid reality and accountability, whatever the root cause. But I am truly sorry that this is part of your life experience after everything else you have survived.

I suspect that the standard good LBS tools like detachment and boundaries are just as applicable but I can't begin to imagine how painful and difficult it must be to have to try to use them with your child as opposed to your ex/spouse.....

Out of interest, given that your h probably did a dollop of this in his worst days, how does he react when your son does it?
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« Last Edit: October 28, 2020, 08:40:14 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#132: October 28, 2020, 09:40:20 AM
Quote
Out of interest, given that your h probably did a dollop of this in his worst days, how does he react when your son does it
?

In short - nothing - either because he doesn't witness it or because he knows that S will turn on him and be even more vicious. 
He has said quietly that I am putting up with an awful lot and that S needs help.

Otherwise he will try and keep very much out of S's way and that's down to the fact that S is vile to him and often talks about him in derogatory terms whilst H is standing there. 

Anyway - this belongs on my thread really - Sorry UM
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« Last Edit: October 28, 2020, 09:41:32 AM by Songanddance »
BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 and still going with no sign of reconciliation.

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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#133: October 28, 2020, 09:59:31 AM
Quote
Out of interest, given that your h probably did a dollop of this in his worst days, how does he react when your son does it
?

In short - nothing - either because he doesn't witness it or because he knows that S will turn on him and be even more vicious. 
He has said quietly that I am putting up with an awful lot and that S needs help.

Otherwise he will try and keep very much out of S's way and that's down to the fact that S is vile to him and often talks about him in derogatory terms whilst H is standing there. 

Anyway - this belongs on my thread really - Sorry UM

No worries. Actually, R's S17 is similar in some ways. He and I have only gotten into it once and he apologized fairly quickly afterwards because I basically refused to interact more than absolutely necessary. He's in a trade school 90 minutes south of here and comes back on some weekends or holidays so that has brought LOTS more peace into the house.

He and R were getting into it regularly over his gaming addiction and computer time so it's a relief when he's not here.

As much as I really do care for the kid (he's a good kid in the core but emotionally lagging - he's 27 with the EQ of a 10 year old - my D9 and S13 are more emotionally mature/intelligent but his father physically abused him and is a Grade A narcissist in his own right) , there are moments when hanging him by his toes from the ceiling fan really does seem like a viable alternative...
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Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#134: November 18, 2020, 04:47:14 AM
So, if anyone is interested in following along on Saturday, here is the link:

https://www.esa.int/Applications/Observing_the_Earth/Copernicus/Sentinel-6/Watch_live_Copernicus_Sentinel-6_Michael_Freilich_launch?fbclid=IwAR1b5-cU4ImMsqaJIQaXjh0C_749pBto6xVljre5Me7VUTxSKv5ss_MgJX4 or
https://one.esa.int/article/Establishments/Areas/Home/Articles/How+to+watch+the+Sentinel6+launch+and+insights+from+the+team or
https://www.esa.int/ESA_Multimedia/ESA_Web_TV

If you are lucky (and I am not) you might even catch a glimpse of me in action (NO idea as we don't know what camera is looking where int eh Main Control Room at any one time) and you might hear me in the Roll Call.... My call sign (No, I am NOT making this up....) is (get this....) "OM" for "Operations Manager"  ::)
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« Last Edit: November 19, 2020, 08:34:25 AM by UrsaMajor »
Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#135: November 18, 2020, 01:26:31 PM
Well that’s pretty cool UM! Will check out when that is Aus time.
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M: 50 (48 @ BD)
H: 53 (51 @ BD)
Married 20yrs, together 23yrs
D: 21 (19 @ BD)
D: 19 (17 @ BD)
'Extra D': 19 (17 @ BD)
BD (that I didn't recognise as such) Easter 2018
BD 9th Sep 2018
OW (45, now 47) - he met her in the pub a week before BD, told me about her a week after BD. Thinks 'their planets have collided' because 'their eyes met across the room' and they had an 'instant connection'. Lives with her. Is building a life with her. Jun 20: H plans to buy a block of land and build a house with her.

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Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#136: November 18, 2020, 08:36:11 PM
Well that’s pretty cool UM! Will check out when that is Aus time.

NO idea but the rocket will launch at 17:17:08 UTC. That is probably close to midnight or so in Australia

Later edit: OK, I have gone in and looked. Western Australia is UTC +8 and Eastern is UTC +10 with the middle at UTC +9.5 (?) so Launch Time in Western Australia is at 00:17:08 on Sunday morning.....  So I was right. Close to Midnight....
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« Last Edit: November 18, 2020, 11:58:43 PM by UrsaMajor »
Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#137: November 19, 2020, 12:44:09 AM
Very cool, UM!
I laughed at your OM call sign. But am also happy to give “OM” a new and better definition, lol.
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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#138: November 19, 2020, 01:32:48 PM
Quote
My call sign (No, I am NOT making this up....) is (get this....) "OM" for "Operations Manager"  ::)

I laughed.... Not sure if that was the appropriate thing to do but I did 🙊
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H - 43 (40 @BD1)
M - 43 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H and OW are together, presume PA  - 3rd June 2019
H gets engaged with OW (we are not divorced) - Oct 2019
H "finally" asks for divorce - Aug 2020

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#139: November 19, 2020, 10:56:10 PM
Quote
My call sign (No, I am NOT making this up....) is (get this....) "OM" for "Operations Manager"  ::)

I laughed.... Not sure if that was the appropriate thing to do but I did 🙊

OneDay, yer goin to Hades!  ;D We'll save you a seat on the bus.....

All seriousness aside, do you have ANY idea how HARD it is to have to reply to the Roll-call with "OD <for 'Operations Director'>- OM - GO!" and NOT crack up..... or curse....
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Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#140: November 19, 2020, 11:05:48 PM
Will be following along, UM....or OM... ;D
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#141: November 20, 2020, 07:38:42 AM
UM/OM -
I've been on the websites.
Wondering which would be bests to view tomorrow, and if there is a subscription needed to any network or anything?
Last thing I want is to try to watch and find out that I can't connect - happens on zoom all the time - mic off, audio off, etc...
Technicologically challenged!   ;)
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Seahorses have one mate for life...

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Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#142: November 20, 2020, 07:55:40 AM
UM/OM -
I've been on the websites.
Wondering which would be bests to view tomorrow, and if there is a subscription needed to any network or anything?
Last thing I want is to try to watch and find out that I can't connect - happens on zoom all the time - mic off, audio off, etc...
Technicologically challenged!   ;)

From the links above, there is no subscription needed. These are "one-way" broadcast links in a Web Browser... No need for Microphone or camera....
UM
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Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#143: November 20, 2020, 08:04:45 AM
Thanks~  Will def try to watch (if I'm not driving across country to retrieve S19's belongings from college)...
Is one site better than another? 
If I'm home, I can open all on one screen I think!

Congratulations on all your hard work producing such an amazing endeavor. 
It is truly commendable.

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Seahorses have one mate for life...

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Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#144: November 20, 2020, 06:03:08 PM
You've been the OM for quite some time now, UM!    Shouldn't you be thinking about moving on soon?!?!  LOL!   ;D
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BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

 

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