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Author Topic: My Story Thread 36 - The answer is 42

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My Story Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#10: January 19, 2020, 02:17:44 AM
It sounds good, apart from the arm.  I hope there are no Complications.  What a shame he missed ski school.  I felt sad when I read what EXw said.  Such a lot of pain and damage, and for what?

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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#11: January 19, 2020, 02:48:49 AM
Quite the update, UM, from your S’s broken arm (may it mend speedily), to your job sitch, to your ex’s moaning...

I cannot help but make a comment that MLCer ain’t going to progress much until he/she takes full personal accountability for the mess he/she created.  I guess that goes equally for LBSs as well.  We are responsible for our own choices and mental state.  Such a simple concept, so hard to do...  You have embraced it and see where you are now! 

Well, for her sake, I hope your ex finally opens her eyes one day and learns to accept full responsibility for her choices and unhappiness. 


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My first thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8164.150

My reconnecting thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10524.msg699615#msg699615

Live-in MLCer

Feb 2015: BD. 
Oct 2015: ILYBINILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#12: January 21, 2020, 06:12:30 AM
Because I didn't want to Hijack Seahorses Discussion Thread on Christian LBS's and Dating, I'm pulling my Reply (rather lengthy and quite philosophical) to my own thread.....

UM has always said, before dating, to wait one week for every year you were married AFTER DIVORCE.
So, not even close yet for me (moved out 22 months ago, divorced 7 months ago, married 29 years!).
I'll be looking at the senior-citizen homes for a mate!   ;D

Sea

Seahorse, the rule I read was one month per year of marriage so for a 24 year marriage, 24 months or 2 years. I think it was OP that added the "after divorce" part but I don't remember exactly. I can tell you from personal experience, that, after 17 years of marriage, I was NOT ready to stick my hand in the fire 17 months after being separated, despite a few trial balloons (which invariably ended quickly) and one rather long-term R that ended by mutual agreement on good terms. I can also say that about 40 months after separation but only a few weeks after the D was final (it took 16 months from start to finish) and although I had thoroughly conceded myself to the "Single Old guy with 2 young kids and a dog" club (the male version of the crazy cat lady), decided that dating was most definitely NOT in my best interests (I mean, seriously, who in their right minds thrives on rejection, right?), and that being in an R with anyone was the last thing on this planet that was going to happen because I was just NOT interested, it was made clear to me that just maybe God had a different idea in mind for me.

I say that with no tongue in cheek or joking because God and I talked lots (OK, I talked lots, God patiently listened) and often and I told him that I was done with this "Relationship" nonsense so, if God had other plans or ideas, God was going to have to put them in motion because I certainly was not interested anymore. I had done my time, taken my losses, learned my lessons, and was now perfectly happy with the way my life was progressing.  I had my kids, my friends, my church, my hobbies if you will and the empty side of the bed just meant I could sprawl out if needed or, if a kid had a nightmare when they were at my place, there was a place for them.....

It wasn't "dating" in a classical sense at all but rather a simple meeting with a friend that I have known for 10 years with a mutual interest (Playing the Saxophone of all things) which blossomed from there. Does it mean that there are not some trigger points or that there is no fear? Nope, NOT by a long shot. There have been a stumble or two but we TALK about it and figure out what happened. We both have what she lovingly refers to as "battle damage" (the English translation from German) or what native English Speakers would call "War Wounds" but we DEAL with them as they come up. We have integrated a patchwork "family" with an amazing amount of ease, probably mostly due to our long "history," which included our kids knowing each other. There is not a day that goes by when I do not give thanks for the place I now find myself and ask for continued guidance because I would have NEVER, in a million years, envisioned this. In fact, I STILL find it hard to believe once in a while... You know, the usual questions - Why me? Why her? Why NOW of all things? Am I dreaming? Is this REALLY happening?

And it comes back to one thing - things happen in God's time, not ours. Things happen in God's way, not ours. We have free will and we do make our own choices and decisions and mistakes but, ultimately, unless we are purposefully choosing NOT to listen, NOT to discern, NOT to pay attention, regardless how far we stray away, we will invariably be guided back to the path God has set out for our feet to walk.... sometimes gently guided, sometimes with the subtlety of a brick through the living room window but we have to be in a position of an open and discerning heart to hear the message, regardless of how it comes. And we have to be willing to take action, make the decisions needed regarding that message when it comes.

Yes, I could have kept up my "Nope, not going to happen! NOT going down THAT road. Not me. Not now. Not ever." frame of mind but, instead I chose to be open to the possibility and to allow myself to be guided. That meant making the choice to be open, to make myself vulnerable (no easy task for someone with 2 strikes against them already), and to allow someone, no, to INVITE someone to come inside the walls of my defenses, to allow myself to get close, to give someone an intimate view into the depths of my heart and soul..... THAT, after all we as LBS's have been through, the betrayals, the hurt, the agony, THAT strength to take that risk far exceeds anything I have to offer.... 

"God, give me the wisdom to see the path you have set before me, the courage to set out, and the strength and will to persevere on the journey. All things come from you, all things return to you and within you all things are possible."
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Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#13: January 21, 2020, 12:50:56 PM
Amen UM.

I just hit my 20 months post-divorce in November. I am not by any stretch of the imagination "looking" or actively dating, but should the Lord place a nice guy in my path at a basketball tournament (because where else would I be) one of these days I might not send him packing right away.  ;D     
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D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
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“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#14: January 22, 2020, 03:38:35 PM
I'm 3.5 years post divorce and I hope that a nice guy happens to show up on a motorcycle ready to ride! 
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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#15: January 23, 2020, 03:54:08 AM
What a great post, um, and so true. I can attest to the fact that if you don't wait for awhile you will not succeed. It seems our "pickers" are broken for some time.

I am so happy to hear that it "happened" for you and wish you nothing but the best !
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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#16: January 23, 2020, 04:44:41 AM
Great post UM. I'm happy for you things are clicking along.
That's a big one ?? Waiting for things to work out.
We tend to always WANT to change God's plan instead of listen.  What We think is best is not always right.
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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#17: January 24, 2020, 06:52:18 AM
Hey UM

That was such a lovely post.... I’ve just gone onto a dating app but one of my 30 year old friends is going to have to show me how it works as I have no idea. I would like to meet someone as I do think it does help to move forward. I think it would help to put my relationship with the ex into perspective. If I meet someone else maybe I’ll experience what a communicative relationship is all about.

 It’s been over 2 years of loneliness and tbh I am a born again virgin. So it would be very nice to meet someone who I can enjoy their company and also start having a sex life again! 🤣🤣🤣

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BD 1 - January 6, 2018 moves out
November 2018 - moves back in for 1 month then leaves saying relationship over, wants a divorce then flies over last minute to be with OW on holiday.
BD 2 - OW confirmed December 14, 2018 - meeting up with her for holiday
BD3 - engaged to OW December 21, 2018
BD 4 - tells me he is moving back to home country on January 27, 2019. Gives me 5 days notice. His flight date is February 1, 2019.

I just want the money and him out of my life!

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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#18: January 24, 2020, 08:29:43 AM
Hey UM

That was such a lovely post.... I’ve just gone onto a dating app but one of my 30 year old friends is going to have to show me how it works as I have no idea. I would like to meet someone as I do think it does help to move forward. I think it would help to put my relationship with the ex into perspective. If I meet someone else maybe I’ll experience what a communicative relationship is all about.

 It’s been over 2 years of loneliness and tbh I am a born again virgin. So it would be very nice to meet someone who I can enjoy their company and also start having a sex life again! 🤣🤣🤣

Limbo

Limbo - I haven't touched another human being sexually since STBXW in June of 2017.   :-[  I get the born again virgin feeling.  I dabbled, briefly, in online dating way too early, and MLCW caught wind of it. I don't think that helped my chances of reconciliation.  :( I have to take responsibility for my actions, but I was also influenced by having just moved out and having a very bitter divorced friend tell me I had to do it to move on.  I barely used the app, and the results were telling:  the few women who might have even been worth being vulnerable with knew immediately I wasn't anywhere near over W, and the ones that didn't call me out on that were severely broken.   :-\ 

Now, I'm nearly 3 years from BD and 2 years from moving out and I have my wedding ring back on and have no intention of meeting anyone.  I feel good about myself and have regained confidence in who I am.  I've quit prodding W for the D and I'm letting her move at her own pace (which is slow, but she's definitely filing papers as the court requests.)

My advice is to take it slow online; everything moves at a fast pace these days.  Most people online, men especially, seem to be after short term gratification and affirmation.  That also may depend on the quality/stated purpose of the site.  For ex:  Tinder vs. Eharmony  I wish you well in your journey.  We all deserve loving companionship.
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M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.
12/16/19  She files financial paperwork.  Divorce proceeding.

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Re: Thread 36 - The answer is 42
#19: January 24, 2020, 11:22:19 AM
"God, give me the wisdom to see the path you have set before me, the courage to set out, and the strength and will to persevere on the journey. All things come from you, all things return to you and within you all things are possible."

Love this. I have said a similar prayer just recently, but I think I may change it to this one now.  ;D

You really sound great UM. But then, you've always had a great way of looking at things in perspective.  Sad that XW is just now seeing what she threw away. And of course doesn't see it as her throwing it away at all. Back in the oven for that one.

Happy S is healing now. Broken bones are no fun. But happy no surgery. Sounds like 2020 is off to a great start for you my friend! Cheers!
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S13
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
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