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Author Topic: My Story My third thread: Still living in interesting times

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My Story My third thread: Still living in interesting times
OP: January 23, 2020, 01:49:04 PM
Almost 18 months after starting my second thread, I now start on my third. 

Link to my old thread here (I hope)

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10305.msg680353#msg680353

Tonight I went round to pick up the girls, and W asked me to rub her back as she had a muscle all knotted up.  She’d asked the girls but they didn’t have enough muscle.  All very weird, stood there in the hallway rubbing her back lol.  Anyway, I think I need to go and provide a link to this thread on my second thread. 
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Re: My third thread: Still living in interesting times
#1: January 24, 2020, 03:07:44 AM
Perfect - all correctly linked!

And following along... 18 months for one thread?  :o

As far as the back rub goes, I guess that means that you don't have Cooties or some other communicable disease anymore? <snort>
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« Last Edit: January 24, 2020, 03:08:46 AM by UrsaMajor »
Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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Re: My third thread: Still living in interesting times
#2: January 24, 2020, 03:24:56 AM
Moon
Weird it is my friend.  As UM said the cooties stage may be easing off.
I had a good laugh (to myself of course) my W was trying to scratch her back. You knkw the spot right under the shoulder blades we can't reach, lol. But after about 5 minutes of her flailing around trying reach it, I just calmly ask? Do you want me to scratch your back?
She said yes, can you please do it!!!!! That was always just a simple thing laying in bed. She would ask, can you scratch my back?? Now??? Well it must be huge.
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Re: My third thread: Still living in interesting times
#3: January 24, 2020, 03:57:26 AM
Moon
Weird it is my friend.  As UM said the cooties stage may be easing off.
I had a good laugh (to myself of course) my W was trying to scratch her back. You knkw the spot right under the shoulder blades we can't reach, lol. But after about 5 minutes of her flailing around trying reach it, I just calmly ask? Do you want me to scratch your back?
She said yes, can you please do it!!!!! That was always just a simple thing laying in bed. She would ask, can you scratch my back?? Now??? Well it must be huge.

That's because you have COOTIES!

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Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
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Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
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Re: My third thread: Still living in interesting times
#4: January 24, 2020, 04:22:12 AM
UM
I'll take the uncomfortable cootie stage over the stage where ????? Well best way I can explain it is when little dog gets close to the cat and all her hair sticks straight out from head to tail like a puffer fish cat, lol. I'm happy that's gone.
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Re: My third thread: Still living in interesting times
#5: January 24, 2020, 04:06:17 PM
Moon

Following along!

Thanks for the link on your last thread. Quite interesting!

Rose 🌹
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Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

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Re: My third thread: Still living in interesting times
#6: February 10, 2020, 02:48:34 PM
Thanks all
I know, I know - 18 months for one thread.  I need to post more often.  Sometimes it’s just finding the time.  I’m trying to keep busy. 

Nothing much more to report.  Things seem civil, but W seems to have stopped asking me to join them when she has the girls.  That doesn’t stop her asking to join us though.  D6 has had to have glasses.  It my was weekend when she went to pick them up, and W asked if she could come, as she wanted to be there.  Fine, but I had to bite my lip as this was only a couple of days after asking if I minded if the week we agreed she could have the girls to take them on holiday was pushed back a little, which would have covered my birthday.  I said I would mind, and she’s gone quiet about it since. 

The other day though, W rings in the evening.  She’s upset.  She’s just spoken to her dad, and it sounds like the prostate cancer he’s got has spread.  W says, very emotionally,  “Please promise me you’ll get yourself checked”.   I’m not sure what to say.  I have no symptoms (I checked online what they were) and, as I said to W, it wasn’t that long since I had my blood tested (my optician was worried I had high blood pressure- can’t think what would have caused that).   Still, a touching if odd moment. 

As I say though, things have been civil but she’s still out drinking and partying when she gets the chance.  Even D6 said to me the other day, “Mummy’s out boozing again”. 

Anyway, 2 years on Friday since W announced she decided we had to separate.  I’ve the girls with me for the weekend and we’re going round to a friends house for some tea, so hopefully that will keep my mind off things. 

Hope you’re all keeping well (and for those in the UK, surviving the weather).
Moon
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Re: My third thread: Still living in interesting times
#7: February 10, 2020, 04:42:05 PM
Moon

Was it Valentine’s Day your BD?

They do pick their moments don’t they

Rose 🌹
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OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

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Re: My third thread: Still living in interesting times
#8: February 11, 2020, 12:51:46 AM
Hi Rose
Yes, that’s right.  BD1 was on 14th Jan (ILYBINILWY, etc) then BD2 exactly a month later on Valentines Day, (‘I want us to separate’). 

They do.  Looking back now, I cant believe how calmly I took it.  Perhaps I was still in shock.  Part of me regrets not absolutely blowing my top at her.  It might not have helped but at least I would have got it off my chest. 
Moon

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Re: My third thread: Still living in interesting times
#9: February 11, 2020, 01:54:10 AM
Moon,

My Atomic "I want a divorce" BD was 3rd Advent so "Merry Bah-Freaking-Humbug Christmas"

Yep, they sure can pick the dates....
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Me - 57, xW - 50
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Re: My third thread: Still living in interesting times
#10: February 11, 2020, 04:59:21 AM
Moon,

My Atomic "I want a divorce" BD was 3rd Advent so "Merry Bah-Freaking-Humbug Christmas"

Yep, they sure can pick the dates....

My BD was two days before Valentine's Day, while she was preparing to model several new pieces of lingerie for me. Something she had never done before in our 13-year marriage.  After the somewhat dispassionate "I've been thinking of getting a divorce," she said "Which one would you like to see on me first?"

I said incredulously "You just said you wanted a divorce!" And she said "So? We're still married right now."

She filed for divorce two days before our 15th wedding anniversary.
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Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.
12/16/19  She files financial paperwork.  Divorce proceeding.

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Re: My third thread: Still living in interesting times
#11: February 12, 2020, 02:09:56 AM
My BD was two days before Valentine's Day, while she was preparing to model several new pieces of lingerie for me. Something she had never done before in our 13-year marriage.  After the somewhat dispassionate "I've been thinking of getting a divorce," she said "Which one would you like to see on me first?"

I said incredulously "You just said you wanted a divorce!" And she said "So? We're still married right now."

She filed for divorce two days before our 15th wedding anniversary.

I think this really shows what a disjointed world that the Mid-Lifer lives in when they are in the initial high-energy stage....

I mean, seriously... "I want a divorce but I want to strut my stuff in front of you in sexy undies first" Who, if their elevator really does still go to the top floor, does THAT?

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Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Re: My third thread: Still living in interesting times
#12: February 24, 2020, 01:49:56 PM
Thanks all
Yes, it’s not that just the awful timing but the matter of fact way they tell you, like they’ve reached a decision on a new pair of shoes, not the end of your marriage- likes it all perfectly normal, nothing to see here.  And your left standing there in complete shock, feeling like the worst spouse in the world because you must have been missing something massively wrong for so long for them to reach this point. 

Anyway, just a brief update.  Two years since BD2 come and gone, W took the girls away on holiday for a week.  I got messages from D9 most days, and W sent me pics of the girls most days.  Then towards the end of the holiday she texts me about a day trip they’d been on, and how it reminded her of a time when we went to the same place.  We exchanged a few texts and reminisced about some of our best and worst holidays, in particular one awful one in Tunisia before the kids came along.  But she admitted that we ‘had a laugh’ on it tho.  It was the first time in quite some time that I can recall her admitting we had had fun together in our relationship.  Quite different from her view 2 years ago that, once the girls have grown up, we’d have nothing in common.  Maybe a bit of light at the end of the tunnel?
Moon
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My third thread: Still living in interesting times
#13: February 29, 2020, 03:40:17 PM
Moon

Good update.

Nice to hear her realising things were not as they seemed 2 years ago.  Probably not light at the end more a period of reality. It’s encouraging and much better than before but see it for what it is and continue as you were.

Who knows what will happen. You are going really good and that’s all you can do. Glad you are past the anniversary and now into the third year,

Do you feel stronger? Happier? More content?

How lovely that D9 keeps in touch, you must miss them terribly. It’s so much worse for the LBS fathers that live without their children because of the MLC mothers actions.

Rose 🌹
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BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

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My third thread: Still living in interesting times
#14: March 09, 2020, 02:56:30 PM
Hi Rose
I hope you’re keeping well.

Do I feel stronger, more happier?  I’m not sure about that.  More settled maybe.  I still have moments when I think it must be all a bad dream.  I still have too many fond memories and then BANG, I snap back into reality and you realise how bittersweet those memories have become.  Like the words to that Talking Heads song ‘Well, how did I get here?’

The girls do live with me part of the time.  We did agree joint custody, although she does push it.  But they do stay here with me at least 5 nights out of 14, and I usually do the school runs two more days a fortnight so it’s very rare that I go more than a couple of days without seeing them.  Still, as someone who was always a full time dad, even that is quite tough. 

I told W the other day that I was taking the kids to Eurodisney.  I’ve not said anything to the girls yet as I want it to be a surprise (and it may yet get cancelled anyway).  She took it very cooly, but then later invited me round for dinner with her and the girls.  Another example of how odd things are atm.  But I realise that I need to start making memories with my girls.  They say you only have your kids for a short period of time - between when they’re a baby and when they become a moody teenager.  I don’t want to look back at these years and regret wasting them waiting for W to return.  Yes, doing these things as a family would have been great but that option is not available to me at the moment, perhaps it never will be again.  It’s a real shame but they’re only young once, so I feel I have to make the most of being they’re dad while I can. 
Moon
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#15: April 09, 2020, 05:12:44 PM
Just a spot of venting.  Having thought W and I were getting a bit closer (I was even asked around for lunch this coming Easter Sunday), W phones me today to say she has a cough.  It just so happens it should have been my weekend with my daughters starting today but suddenly she gets a cough, and lo and behold, she’s in self isolation now for 7 days and the girls can’t leave her house.  We FaceTimed together to tell the girls (both cried) and I never heard her cough once!  What can I say or do though, it might be real, but it’s mightily convenient timing (for her). 

So now I face a week or more alone, with only the occasional FaceTime with my daughters. I can’t even give them the Easter eggs and gifts I bought them.   To say I’m sick of all this BS at the moment is a massive understatement.  Now you may say it’s genuine, but frankly the only thing I trust her to do is put herself first and eff everyone else. 
Moon
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#16: April 09, 2020, 11:11:04 PM
Fwiw I think this is one of those high ground moments......
Do MLCers lie? Of course. And is it also possible that your w is concerned and trying to protect you and the kids? Maybe. I understand your disappointment and your suspicion. But why not choose to take the high ground bc this virus is so serious.....what would you do if you believed your wife? Would you be asking how you can help? Dropping off groceries and Easter eggs at the door? Giving her advice about medical stuff? Checking in every day to see if your w is ok? Doing online things with your kids to entertain them? Discussing with your w what you can do if she does get really ill?

Imho you lose nothing by taking the high ground and acting 'as if', you just look like a decent husband and father. The truth tends to come out on its own. If she lied....and you'll know from the kids bc she won't be properly self isolating if it's a lie tbh....let that be her shame to carry. You do the right thing, what you would do to safeguard and support your family in these strange times. Behave 'as if' with go faster stripes and let your w be the one who is embarrassed if it's a lie or feel supported if she is genuinely worried. Take the high ground....you can always do Easter Mk2 on another weekend if it turns out to be a a 'false alarm'.

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#17: April 13, 2020, 03:43:05 PM
Many thanks Treasur
I think your absolutely right.  Making any accusations will do no good, and probably do a lot of harm.  I’ve been FaceTiming the girls over the weekend and offered to do some shopping.  I’ve spoken to the girls a few times as I’ve dropped stuff on the doorstep and then stood a couple of metres back.  I have to say though, i’ve not heard W cough once.  She now says the cough only really comes on in the evening.  Convenient that.  And W is now talking about me not getting the girls to the 25th April, which is longer than the two weeks their supposed to self isolate.  I’m putting a brave face on it for now and trying to be supportive but I’m already missing my kids so much.  The next week and a half are going to be quite difficult. 
Stay safe
Moon

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Just a light spot of journaling (I hadn’t realised it had been a month).  Anyway, following W and the girls coming out of self isolation, things have been, well, ok.  As lockdown rules here in the UK allow people out to pass children between separated parents the girls have been going back and forth as normal.  We’ve also had two or three meals together, as a family.  W even agreed to come out for a walk and a picnic with me and the girls over the recent Bank Holiday weekend.  Things were fine between us, and the girls loved it.  I even had a couple of Sunday meals round at W’s (although the first one evolved me agreeing to help put up the hot tub first).

I note W is spending a lot of lockdown redecorating the house.  A lot of the rooms I decorated are being done first.  Not sure whether to read anything into that, but I try not to think about it.  I just enjoy the moments we get to spend time together as a family.  I think, or hope, it’s good for the girls.  That said, D6 asked me recently- presumably on the back of the meals, etc, when I was moving home.  I said I didn’t know.   She then asked W (when W was dropping off some donuts) the same question.  W told her - nicely- that we weren’t moving back together but we’re still friends and would still do stuff together.  Poor D6 burst into tears.  It must be really confusing for her (it’s still confusing for me tbh). We both gave her a hug as she sobbed, but I just wonder whether we’re just sending her mixed signals.  I have to confess, it hurt me a bit when W said what she said, but I found that I got over it quite quickly, which I took as a positive at least. 

Anyway, hope everyone on here is keeping safe, or staying alert, or whatever the latest message is.
Moon.
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T
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#19: July 08, 2020, 03:17:27 PM
Hi.  It’s been a while since I’ve posted.  To be honest lockdown has been pretty quiet.  I hope everyone else has been keeping ok.  I thought though I’d update by posting with some news.  It’s seems W’s brother is now having his own MLC.  His wife messaged me last week to say he’d done a W.  Suddenly, out of the blue announcing he ‘no longer felt it’.  And then this week telling her that it was over, and she should take her rings off as he wasn’t coming back.  She’s shocked and devastated naturally.  As with W this came out of nowhere.  They have four kids together. 

It’s very sad, but it reminded me that way back at the start of W’s MLC, her mother said she thought it would be the brother who had a MLC.  Well, it appears now he has!   Should it be a surprise though?  I’ve read in several places that MLCs may stem from some unresolved family of origin issue, especially where the parents of the MLCer separated during their adolescent years.  W’s and her brother’s parents split while they were around that age, so if one had an MLC I suppose it was always more than likely that both of them would.  Does anyone else have a similar experience of a sibling of their MLCer also having a MLC?   
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#20: July 08, 2020, 03:53:59 PM

Does anyone else have a similar experience of a sibling of their MLCer also having a MLC?


Well, my MLCer has a brother (he'll be 59 in September) who just married for the thrid time a few months ago.  She's 32 and from the Philippines.   ::)
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#21: July 08, 2020, 07:50:29 PM
Does anyone else have a similar experience of a sibling of their MLCer also having a MLC?

My MIL and SIL have both had MLC episodes.  They have all been of the mild type.  Quit job pack up and move.  MIL wasn’t married at the time but she did this 3 times before eventually coming home for good after about 5 years of running.  SIL gave husband 2 weeks notice that she was leaving there home in HAwaii and moving back stateside.  She had multiple nervous breakdowns prior claiming she was homesick.  Poor BIL is now stuck living his retirement out in the Midwest after she picked Hawai’i when he retired.
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#22: July 19, 2020, 03:41:18 PM
Seems it might be a family thing.  Makes sense, if FOO issues play a large part in a MLCers MLC.    Latest on mine is that the BIL has now moved in with W.  Seems they’ll be having their MLC together for a while.  Just when you think your MLC experience can’t get any weirder....
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#23: July 19, 2020, 10:01:38 PM
Oh wow, a double MLC?

What fun that would be.

On a positive note though: I've found that some MLC'ers attach to ex-MLC'ers as friends (maybe because they "understand"?).
Two siblings going thru replay together though, that's a new one.

Maybe they will look out for each other.

-SS
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#24: July 22, 2020, 03:16:13 PM
Yep, a double MLC SS,  a very odd set up.  Maybe they will support each other or maybe just reinforce their views about how bad their spouses were.   Apparently the SIL has persuaded her husband to go to counselling with her.  I said she should go in hope not but not expectation.  He seems to have made his mind up. 

On a separate note, after catching up on some of OGH’s Facebook broadcasts, I released I’ve just passed the 2 and a half year mark since BD - and never realised it!   I’m taking that as a sign and starting to look forward now more than backwards. 
Moon
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My third thread: Still living in interesting times
#25: July 23, 2020, 08:54:03 AM
My friend and her brother have bern doing this for closing in on 10 years. They become each other's OP, without any romantic entanglements. Just mistreat each other terribly. My friend keeps expecting something different and I keep asking "Why would you? You were not good siblings when you were younger, what has changed? " The answer is nothing, they still haven't worked out their issues. My friends brother does none of the standard day to day things normal people do, like paying their bills, then acts put upon when the power is turned off. If my friend nags him to pay the bills, he resents her for the reminder that he doesnt pay them. She's like a mother, which makes sense since their mother was not responsible and their father was (imo) a jerk who went around insulting everyone to make himself feel better.

It's kind of fascinating to watch, having known the family dynamics.
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My third thread: Still living in interesting times
#26: July 25, 2020, 06:24:49 AM
Just when you think your MLC experience can’t get any weirder....

Lol Expect the unexpected is right Moon!

Hopefully it helps you realise it is all her issues and not your marriage.

You sound good, 2.5 years since BD - nice to be this side of it isn’t it.

Rose 🌹
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Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

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My third thread: Still living in interesting times
#27: July 27, 2020, 03:19:06 PM
Thanks OffRoad.  I get the impression from my daughters that he’s hardly ever there atm.  All very odd but as you say, interesting to watch. 

Hi Rose.  Hope you’re ok.  Yes, I’ve been telling the SIL the same thing, that she mustn't think that this is about her or the marriage.  At the moment, of the two of them, only she knows the truth of her marriage.   Yes,  2.5 years but it really doesn’t seem that long ago but I’ve learned how to cope and am slowly but surely moving on.  I still find it unbearably sad when D6 says something that suggests she can’t remember a time when her parents were together and I worry what that will do to her as she grows up.  But I’m coping and keeping myself busy.   How are you doing? 
Moon
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“It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
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My third thread: Still living in interesting times
#28: September 08, 2020, 02:26:44 PM
Wedding Anniversary today.  Nothing to note.  Last year W did make contact to see how I felt.  Nothing this year.  I wondered whether to contact her, but refrained.  Was that the right thing to do?   It’s over 2 and a half years now since BD, perhaps I’m still expecting too much too soon.  Anyway, by way of recognising the event I put my wedding ring back on for the day.   I thought it would feel funny, but it felt so comfortable I hardly noticed.  I still hope one day to get to wear it again properly.

Anyway, last week W invites me to go with her and our two daughters to the zoo together.  We had a lovely day, and the girls - especially D6 - loved it, especially mummy and daddy being together.  I don’t know whether to cherish these moments, or feel heart broken that each one could be the last.  Such a feeling of limbo atm . 

Hope everyone on here is keeping well.
Moon.
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“It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul”.

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My third thread: Still living in interesting times
#29: September 08, 2020, 03:46:39 PM
Probably the hardest day of the year WA in this situation so well done on getting through it.

I am not sure they realise what day it is, or they can’t care for some reason.

Glad you marked it and wore your ring. Sad it’s not for real and as we know who knows what will happen in the future. Certainly didn’t expect the last 2.5 years to happen I know that. 

The zoo day sounded good. I would try to take it as a good memory and nothing more. I’m sure it won’t be the last. You will
always be a family, nothing can change that.

How are you doing with lockdown?

Rose 🌹
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Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

T
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My third thread: Still living in interesting times
#30: September 09, 2020, 09:10:32 AM
Thanks Rose. 
I find it so strange that it’s three years now since ive been able to celebrate my WA.  It really doesn’t seem that long ago, but it could be a different world. 

The zoo day was a good day.  I’m glad that D6 will still be able to have some memories of days out as a family, even if we never reconcile. 

I’m still coping with lockdown thanks.  My office is still shut so I’m working from home.  It means I get some time to myself, which is usually fine.  Although days like yesterday always seem a bit tougher.  How are things with you?
Moon
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“It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul”.

 

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