[The Moon’s a balloon]

Thanks Rose. 
I find it so strange that it’s three years now since ive been able to celebrate my WA.  It really doesn’t seem that long ago, but it could be a different world. 

The zoo day was a good day.  I’m glad that D6 will still be able to have some memories of days out as a family, even if we never reconcile. 

I’m still coping with lockdown thanks.  My office is still shut so I’m working from home.  It means I get some time to myself, which is usually fine.  Although days like yesterday always seem a bit tougher.  How are things with you?
Moon

[The Moon’s a balloon]

Just a touch of journalling,  an odd month really.  On top of the family visit to the zoo, we also had three family meals together.  Twice I was invited to W’s and once W accepted an invite to have tea with me and the girls at mine.   Then last week she asks me to have the girls a bit later than usual, only to 7pm  (as she’s going to a happy hour at a local cocktail bar with a friend).  Before I get there to drop the girls off she texts me with this montage of photos from a holiday we went on about 4 years ago (one of those montages that computers put together for you without asking these days).   Anyway, before I get set to say goodbye to the girls, she brings it up, and we briefly talk about the holiday. She clearly has good memories of it.  Then D6, listening to us, asks when will daddy be moving back into mummy’s house?   Oh, W says, think how lucky you are having two homes.  D6 starts to cry, and W says, let’s all have a hug together - which the three of us do,  which cheers D6 up.    I soon leave though.  I mean, where do you go with all that? 

[UrsaMajor]

I mean, where do you go with all that?

Nowhere fast.... Her flip comment to D6 shows she's still got her head firmly planted in her ..... fog.....

[The Moon’s a balloon]

I mean, where do you go with all that?

Nowhere fast.... Her flip comment to D6 shows she's still got her head firmly planted in her ..... fog.....

Yup.  That’s what I feared.  Every time i think I’m seeing a little progress, it seems to lead nowhere.   

[The Moon’s a balloon]

Just wanted to wish everyone a belated happy new year.  Not a lot to report over Christmas.  Everything was fine between W and myself, spent a bit of time with her and our daughters together - managed Christmas morning together again.  I saw the girls most days.  But no sign of anything more between W and I.

 It will be three years since BD1 later this month.   The thought of it still hangs over Christmas for me, the thought of what she was doing, thinking, three years ago.  It’s coming to the point when D7 will have spent half her life with W and I separated.  She still asks from time to time when I’ll be moving back in.   

Tbh I’m not sure what stage W is at any more.  I know she’s been on dating websites but so far no sign of anyone else serious on the scene (although I suspect lockdown has made meeting someone new in person nigh on impossible).   OGH suggests that the three year mark is the earliest a MLC could end, but that would still be unusual.   I hope 2021 will bring some movement, either way would be nice.  2020, what with everything, has really been one of being stuck in limbo. 

Hope everyone is keeping safe
Moon.

[Curiosity]

Belatedly attaching, thanks for updating! It is helpful to see reminders that (1) MLC takes a long, long time (and your W’s is not one of the particularly long ones; and (2) it is possible to go on and not just live, but live well, even as the MLCer is in limbo.

[rosetintedglasses]

Hi Moon. Happy New Year.

Lovely to hear an update. That’s good you had a nice Christmas morning and things are not bitter. It’s much easier.

Hopefully at this 3 year mark you will be able to detach a bit further, I am just over a year in front of you and lockdown helped me find peace which was so welcome and I want more! H brings drama and even though it’s not anger it’s still not as welcome as the peace I found with him not being around as much. I feel more me and hope you get that chance too.

As far as it ending after 3 years, not sure as I believe it’s 18 months of reconnecting before you can count it as reconnecting then there’s reconciliation and rebuilding and so it does seem very quick to be through this. My H is heading for 5 years and it would be at least 2 years more of MLC if he was more like his old self, before you could count it as the end. He is not heading that way yet though as still very much brushing it all under the carpet and may continue forever like that. I see that clearly now. Don’t let that worry you though as when you can see it clearly, it feels ok.

Thanks for updating.
Rose 🌹

[The Moon’s a balloon]

Thanks Rose, and hi Curiosity.
In many ways, the last three years have passed so quickly but in others my life pre MLC seems another world away.  Still, here I am, three years gone and so far, coping just fine.  In terms of reconciliation, I don’t find myself worrying about it so much.  What will be will be.  Great if it ever happens, not the end of the world if it doesn’t.  I’ve other interests and friends now, so I like to think I’ve begun to move on. 

I’m glad you’ve found peace Rose.  MLC is such a vicious, unforgiving thing.  Taking good marriages and lives and turning them inside out and upside down, for no particular fault of the LBS.  To come through it and keep ones sanity and perspective, holding on to the truth of the marriage and not blaming yourself for its end, are IMHO the best way to lays the foundations for the next phase in our lives. 

Anyway, here’s to a better 2021. 
Best wishes
Moon

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

Taking good marriages and lives and turning them inside out and upside down, for no particular fault of the LBS.  To come through it and keep ones sanity and perspective, holding on to the truth of the marriage and not blaming yourself for its end, are IMHO the best way to lays the foundations for the next phase in our lives.

This statement is critical to the healing of the LBSer. I was reading on another thread about how people in real life blame the LBser for the end of the marriage. "Don't you understand moon. She was unhappy. You had to have done something to make her unhappy."

How about a resounding NO, my actions had nothing to do with my spouses rejection of their identity. It wasn't because they were unhappy. They felt empty. That something was lacking. That they made the wrong choice. Not just about their marriage, but everything.  This crisis had nothing to do with the LBSer because the volcano was preparing itself long before the LBSer arrived on the scene.

I also really liked the "next phase of your life"- especially as a moon. This truly reflects detachment. It's not focused on one specific outcome. My error in all of this was I was focused on just saving my marriage and because that was the only outcome I could envision, I could never truly detach. Detachment is being open to many outcomes and able to accept and live with that outcome.

I hope you and your daughters have a fabulous 2021 and yes, keep moving forward into your next phase,

((((Ready))))

[PJ Ames]

To come through it and keep ones sanity and perspective, holding on to the truth of the marriage and not blaming yourself for its end, are IMHO the best way to lays the foundations for the next phase in our lives.

Well said, good sir. Doing the work, healing, and holding on to the truth is the way forward. We've all seen first-hard what happens when someone doesn't or can't deal with reality or resolve issues from their past.

And not blaming yourself for not being perfect is so important too. Nothing drives me nuts more than when someone in RL - maybe meaning well - says "Any time a relationship ends, it's both peoples' fault." Aargh. Wrong.

To the next phase!