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Author Topic: My Story Changed. Change. Changing!

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My Story Changed. Change. Changing!
OP: January 27, 2020, 07:33:50 AM
(can someone please link with my previous thread)

Previous Thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11028

Brief Review...

BD 10/29/17  I was a puddle on the floor for awhile.  Eventually I started to pull myself together little by little.  Many thanks to those on this site who supported and helped and kept me grounded along the way.

H moved in with the OW for four months.  Then with a friend for a few weeks.  Then home for four months.

H then moved out of state for two months to join OW.  Silently H moved home and lived with parents for two months.  Then moved in with the OW again for a little over two months.

H then moved into his sister's place and has been there ever since.  Essentially, he is living in her living room.

H has never left OW....she is still in the picture but my gut is telling me the draw is not as strong but it is not yet broken. 


ME:

I was lost when H left.  Dumbfounded.  Shocked.  I was lost!  I did the wrong things.  I did what felt right but it wasn't but I didn't know any better at the time.

Overtime, I learned and I changed.  H moved home and in hindsight, neither of us were ready.  However it was a nice few months as H got to see up close some of my changes that were in the process.

When H left again, I was prepared.  I was stronger.  I was determined.  It didn't break me the second time.

H snuck back to the area.  That was a surprise.  However, he was still avoiding me for the most part.  Sneaking into the house while I was at work and collecting stuff. 

Things have changed for the both of us.  There is still change happening today.  I hope for change to continue into the future.  Time will tell.

More on change coming later.  For now it is time for me to go back to work!

See my signature for more details on my timeline.

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« Last Edit: January 27, 2020, 07:45:25 AM by UrsaMajor »
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#1: January 27, 2020, 08:44:00 AM
Changed:  What has Changed?

I have changed.  I feel it all the time.  Things come up and I say to myself...Wow...you did well.  You would never has done it that way in the past.

I was - reliant upon my H.  I was miserable at times.  I didn't take full responsibility for myself.  I lacked confidence.  I was FATter than I am now.   I was not healthy.  I was quitting and giving up and giving into.  I had lost my zest.  I was going through the motions of life.

I am now at peace.  I am both happy and content.  I am healthier.  I have lost weight.  I have my positive attitude back.  I am open minded.  I am responsible and take ownership for myself and my actions.  I love life and all that it throws at me.

I am constantly learning and growing and changing and becoming a better version of me.  I will not ever give this up again.  I am gaining more and more confidence all the time. 

So while I have changed.  I am currently in the process of change.  I will continue changing in the future as I develop myself more and more.  There is no stopping me.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Just as in my life, the world of MLC....Things have changed and are in the process of change.  Hope that things will continue to keep changing in the future.  This is the one things I focus on in MLC.  Changing....last thing I want for anyone in this situation if for change to stop.  Someone getting stuck.  It can be the LBS or the MLCer….getting stuck is not good.  When stuck...you are not changing.  There is no chance for growth.  You can't become better versions of yourself you don't try.  It requires hard work and it is worth it.  Every minute of it!

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Recap of Changes over the Years:

January of 2018 - H was moving away.  Fewer texts.  Fewer calls.  Fewer visits.  Not only from me but also from D and Gkids.  He was in love with the OW and his life revolved around her.  We were disappearing from his life.  In hindsite, I fount out he was planning to move to another State on 3.1.18.  OW sold her home.  She was closing and they were moving together.  Starting a new life together.  He had no plans on telling anyone but his immediate family.  Just poof...he was gonna disappear.

At this time, he was still in the mode that his wife and kids only wanted him for his money.  We didn't need him for anything else.  We would all be ok without him and he was gonna start anew with someone who loved and adored him and understood him. (and who was eagerly taking money from him on a weekly basis - but that was ok because she was in need)


January of 2019 - H had moved out of OW's place and into sister's home and didn't tell anyone until after the fact.  H visited for the holidays but other than that.....his family pretty much didn't exist.  His sister was in need.  Her H died suddenly.  He was focusing his attention on coming to her rescue now.  OW didn't go away....he just chose not to live with her again.  This is the third time he decided he couldn't live with her.  Hmmm  Communication when it occurred was short and there were long spans of time in between.  It was nothing to go 3 to 4 weeks without hearing from H.  H was more concerned about helping the kids and providing financially for them now and then.  He is getting more consistant.


January of 2020 - H is in contact more.  Much more compared to last year.  A fair amount more compared to six months ago.  Now he will contact via call or visits and then disappear for 2 to 3 days vs  2 to 3 weeks or more.  He stays longer.  H invites himself to go to family dinners.  There is a bit more substances to convos.  Only a wee bit.  He will ask about things in my life, but usually there is a purpose behind them for him...it is not just straight up curiosity.  As quickly as he will call and talk....he quickly ends and disappears too.   Middle of a sentence he will say....well gotta go and you can tell his mind has drifted elsewhere.   He still likes to talk mostly about himself, his job but nothing personal.  Nothing in his life.  He is still secretive, but I have discovered the lies have stopped from what I can tell.  He just is not providing info and I am not asking so there is no reason to lie really.  His secrets are still better than being lied to.

H will admit that he is not happy at his job but now he has reasons besides just being miserable like 2017.  He was considering quitting his job and had some different opportunities but decided to stay because he needs the money now more than the satisfaction so he can help son get through his last few years of school.  What?  I almost peed my pants when he told me that one.

When H was considering changing jobs, he talked to me about it.  Told me that it would affect me also and I needed to know about it.  I told him to do what was best for him.  Take me out of the equation...I would find a way to financially deal with the fall out.  This decision has to be his and his alone. 

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

How are things going to change in the future....I don't know.  That story is not written yet.

H has improved but still has a long way to go.  He smiles more when he is around.  He is less grumpier.  He participates more at family events. 

However, I can still see he is going through growing pains.  He is not dealing with his parents health issues well.  He is avoiding them more and more again.  However, he is helping sis more and more.  He recently changed his hairstyle.  His clothes is pretty much back to pre MLC.  He will still occasionally wear pants that belonged to son in high school...but now it is more to work in so he doesn't destroy his good jeans. 

He is more and more frugal.  This is so much like his father.  His sister too.  Nothing wrong with this change at all.  Even though he is frugal, he is still helping son and recently volunteers to pay on a loan for D in an effort to help her out.  What?  Wow.  Very nice! 

He started dropping the love word more and more in regards to the GKids.  He started to Hug D a bit more too when he is around her.  Started calling her by a child hood nick name again too.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

All these things mean nothing....YET.  However, it is nice to look back and see the changes that have occurred over that last two plus years.  Better than having two cement feet. 

Change is good!

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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#2: January 27, 2020, 08:56:50 AM
That's great SIA  :D

Slowly, slowly dealing with himself.
So good to hear about your improvements as well. Very awesome.

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W - 40
M - 43
Together 25 years, M 22
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#3: January 28, 2020, 03:22:09 PM
Sam

I’m attaching them going back to read your post.

Embracing change is always a good thing!

Rose 🌹
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Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#4: January 29, 2020, 04:20:59 AM
Attaching Sam
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Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#5: January 29, 2020, 05:30:07 AM
Attaching, Sam.

Quote
  All these things mean nothing....YET.  However, it is nice to look back and see the changes that have occurred over that last two plus years.  Better than having two cement feet. 

Perfect.  You don’t read anything into the changes.  And you rely your hindsight to judge his changes over a long period of time. 

(((((HUGS))))))

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My first thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8164.150

My reconnecting thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10524.msg699615#msg699615

Live-in MLCer

Feb 2015: BD. 
Oct 2015: ILYBINILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#6: January 29, 2020, 05:52:48 AM
Sam that is definately movement.  Only time will tell, huh?

Sounds like you did all the right things, after the shock wore off.
You left him to himself and you got yourself a nice life.  Good for you!

Oh way or the other you are going to be ok.

Hugs
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#7: February 01, 2020, 06:25:40 AM
Thanks for this update, Sam. Definitely seems that your H is in a new phase. Many changes this year. I hope he keeps it up. You sound very good.
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#8: February 01, 2020, 08:35:00 AM
Sam - Attaching to your new thread.
As always, you're doing so well, in every respect.
Keep up the great work, and patience, patience, patience.

You're right, slow movement is better than no movement.
My H seems to have found the 2 cement feet!   ::)

Hugs.
Sea
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Seahorses have one mate for life...

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#9: February 11, 2020, 12:47:52 PM
Standing....Thanks for following!

I can only hope he is slowly starting to deal with himself.  Time will tell.  Will have to wait until next year to see if that is the case or not.

Hope all is well with you!
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#10: February 11, 2020, 12:49:32 PM
Rose.....Dear Rose.....So wonderful to hear from you!

I have updated myself with your posts....You sound so good despite things in MLC land!

You are such a strong woman and my heart breaks for you, yet I know you will come out of this smelling like a Rose!

Take care of yourself dear lady!
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#11: February 11, 2020, 12:50:41 PM
UM:  Welcome and thanks for attaching!  Looking forward to your videos are they are appropriate!
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#12: February 11, 2020, 12:56:52 PM
Acorn:  Always glad to have you along on this crazy journey!

Quote
Perfect.  You don’t read anything into the changes.  And you rely your hindsight to judge his changes over a long period of time.

You are so right about this.  It could be easy to say he is changing....this is the end.  I would only be deluding myself.  I have read enough stories on here to know that they can appear one way but they are actually so different.  Then they jump back down that rabbit hole again.


So....let him jump if that is what he wants to do.  I am not Alice....I am not going down there with him.


Yes....hindsite is much clearer as to what and how they are changing....if at all.
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#13: February 11, 2020, 01:00:03 PM
Thunder....yes...moving...changing...still in MLC Fantasy Land!   LOL!

Glad to have your input on things as they do change!


Quote
Oh way or the other you are going to be ok.

Thank you for the vote of confidence.  Not to sound conceited, but I agree with you.  NO matter what....I will be ok.  Better than OK!   I am me and doing me!

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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#14: February 11, 2020, 01:02:58 PM
Hey Milly....hope all is well with you!

Quote
You sound very good.

I am in a good place.  Wasn't easy getting here but it is worth it.

I said it before and I'll always say it.  I hate MLC.  However, once I extracted my head from the nether regions of my anatomy, I discovered that there are blessings to this crisis.

My biggest blessing is finding me again and making me a much better person no matter what.  I got this.  We all do!  It is just up to us to find our own way for ourselves!
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#15: February 11, 2020, 01:06:48 PM
Hey Sea....my dear and loyal friend!

Quote
Keep up the great work, and patience, patience, patience.

You know that patience is not my virtue.  It is amazing how much patience you learn when dealing with MLC as and LBS.

Sometimes I wonder if it is patience I have learned or acceptance that so many things are out of my control so why bother getting upset or dealing with certain things.

Maybe a little of both!

Either way...so glad you have attached yourself!

As for your H.....those with cement feet will only sink deeper...so let him sink.  You are not his life line!   He will get loose of his shackle when and only when he is ready!  Just take care of you!
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#16: February 11, 2020, 01:22:50 PM
Quote
NO matter what....I will be ok.  Better than OK!   
.

I like this a lot!. Especially because it is the truth..finally. We start out as devastated and lost , walk thru horrible pain and shock but at some point we come to realize that we are going to be just fine. No matter what, we will be ok. No matter what another person does or does not do...WE will be absolutely continuing with our own journey and will be just fine. I believe it is about trusting ourselves ..not so much other people. When I arrived at this "knowing" it was incredibly freeing and gave back some power and control of my own life. It really was like a fireworks moment! .  Sometimes I need to remind myself of this fact but I know without question that I am going to be OK no matter what he does . How good is that ? Great changes and positives attitudes in this thread Sam!
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Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#17: February 11, 2020, 01:37:21 PM
Change....With Valentines coming up...here is a comparison of the last two years!

Feb 2018:  H was madly in love.  He was living with OW.  They were secretly preparing to leave and move out of State.  I pretty much didn't exist.  He came to visit me after Valentines...only because I was going on vacation and he wanted me to take something to son.  He was asked to go and visit son too.  He refused because he had different plans.   Later I found out that shortly after Valentine's he decided he couldn't move.  About a week before the exodus, he dropped the bomb to her.  She was upset yet convinced him to drive her out and drop her off.  He complied.  Then he returned with his belongings and started living with a friend.

Feb 2019:  H was on vacation with sister during Valentine's week.  Prior to this, I would get a call every 3 to 4 weeks and maybe a text or two in between.  He was quiet and I was living my life.  He had moved away from OW's and in with his sister just a few weeks before this but OW was still a strong force in his life.  He just couldn't live with her....again!   I don't remember the exact date, but around Valentine's, H called me out of the blue and talked to me for 45 mins.  I was floored.  H put me on speaker phone and his sis was in the background participating but wow.....that was the most we talked since he had left in July of 2018.

Looking back, this appears to be a turning point of communication.  Gradually....slowly....over the last year, H has communicated more and more over time. 

Feb 2020:  H is still in replay.  I see things in him that clearly point to this no matter how much things have changed.

For example: 

1.  H was invited on a family outing but couldn't take off time (1 day) to go with the family yet he took a day off to go out of town with a "friend" for hunting.  Another time he swapped days off so he could go to a party and a gun show.

2.  Recently I was sick and he knew it.  An employee got hurt and when another one was ill, he asked several times how they were doing.  Me...chopped liver.  LOL  It's all good!

3.  I was baby sitting and took the grand babies to watch some pickleball.  He turned into a showoff when the grandkids came in.  Wanted attention.  Most people didn't realize they were his grandkids too.  He didn't spend time with them. 

4.  I feel like I am living in groundhole day the movie.   He keeps bringing up the same convos again and again.  Should I sell my care or keep it?  Should I get a different job or stay put?  Should I go this or that?   I can almost count on these convos happening at least once a month.  Same convo.  Same outcome.  He talks...does nothing.  Still has same car, same motor cycle and same job.


So what has changed?

He talks about leaving job and at one time he did.  Now he knows he can't leave unless he finds something that pays near as well.

He talks about selling car but realizes it will be a mistake as there is nothing wrong with it.  He just wants newer and prettier (something for temporary happiness????)

He is wisely spending money.  Wants to spend money on a gun but instead is saving up for tires.


There are times when I feel like he is testing to get a reaction from me.

Last night at the gym, he was off alone and I left him there.  Soon after he came and sat down beside me on the bleachers.  There were other places to park his butt but he parked it beside me.  Then he pulled out his phone and was searching for bikes.  I watched him.  I noticed a nice looking one and said...that is pretty.  That was the opening he needed.  He then started showing me all the ones he liked and didn't like.   Good thing is that it led to a convo.  Bad thing...I didn't keep my mouth shut and just let him keep swiping up.  I gave him the opening.  Ugh!

Back to topic:

Feb 2020:  H is communicating via phone about every 3 to 4 days now vs 3 to 4 weeks.  Snaps/texts are about every other day.  He manages to find time to have person to person interactions about 1 to 2 times a week.   He has freed up his calendar so that he can go to the gym and play PB nearly every Mon and Tues when I am there and occassionally on Saturday mornings too.   Things he was unable to do this time last year because he had other activities on his calendar that didn't include me.

When he does reach out/visit, it is always because there is a reason.  Pickleball is a big topic.  Then it launches into something else.  Funny man.  Just can't call and say hey...I am bored...want to talk?  Nope.  He has an obvious reason.

He smiles more still.  Yet there is still the underlying heaviness to him.  He smiles but doesn't let go and really enjoy and laugh.

At PB, he has sought out another couple....he keeps challenging them to play us.  Meaning H and I as partners.  Told him last night....find yourself three guys and go play....nope...He asked the PB couple to play us instead. 

Can't read into this other than he likes to have me as PB partner....for right now.  Who knows what will happen in the future.

For now....I just have to enjoy for what it is and hope he gets better at PB!
  • Logged
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#18: February 11, 2020, 09:30:41 PM
Nice progress, slow but steady, hard to know at this point if this is a long t&g or potential reconnecting - either way congratulations, it sounds much nicer than angry tension!!
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BD End of April 2017
Moved out - kind of, May 2017
Denied affair
Cycled hard April - Oct 2017, my son figured out affair, I confronted husband, we were going away as a family for the weekend - H monsters hard and files for a D end of Oct, 2017
D final Sept 2018
Many touch and goes
He lives in monster, kids haven’t been with him overnight since Jan 2019
Moved in with MOW, a former friend of mine, May 2019

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#19: February 12, 2020, 08:07:38 AM
Hey Barbie...welcome to my journey!

I appreciate your comments.  I can't agree more with so much of what you said.


Quote
I believe it is about trusting ourselves ..not so much other people.

This really hit home with me.  I have said so many times that I don't always trust myself.  I say this because my intuition let me down before BD.  I never saw it coming.  I never believed my H would do what he did.  We had talked about things like this when it happened to other people.  We never wanted to be those people.  We prepared ourselves.  We committed to walking away and going stag for six months to year before ever getting involved with someone else.  We were never going to be the talk of the town.  Um...yeah!  At BD, I asked him about the agreement.  Big deer in the headlights look.  He never remembered the agreement or the multiple times we had talked about it. 

That was the very moment I knew something was wrong with him.  I just didn't know what.  I got scared that due to the recent memory issues that started about six months prior (aka - when the affair started) that he had a brain tumor.  I was afraid for him at the time.  Little did I know.....but I learned!

I also learned that before I can trust anyone....I need to trust me again.  I need to know my intuition didn't fail me.  I was lied to and deceived big time.  I did question a few things, but I trusted H with all that I was and when he said he was hanging with a friend.  I believed him.  It just wasn't the friend he claimed to be with.  The names were changed to protect the NON-Innocents!  LOL!


Quote
When I arrived at this "knowing" it was incredibly freeing and gave back some power and control of my own life. It really was like a fireworks moment!


Yes! Yes! Yes!  I always said it was EMPOWERMENT!  I became empowered.  I grew and became and I am still becoming!  I am still changing and growing and doing it all for the better!  I won't stop.  I don't want to.  I will never ever give this up to anyone ever again.  I like having control of my life.  I also LOVE giving up control of things I can't control.  That is freedom to me!

This "thing" that I am doing for me is making me a much better person.  The best part.....those around me are benefiting from my being better.  I am a better mom.  A better gram.  A better boss.  A better daughter.  A better sister, aunt, cousin, friend.  Eventually, I will be a better wife too.  However no matter what.....I will always stay true to SAM!

Quote
Sometimes I need to remind myself of this fact but I know without question that I am going to be OK no matter what he does

You will be BETTER than just OK!  Please don't ever forget that.  Please don't.   Remember...the better you are...the better the person you are for everyone else.   You are important to so many people.  Just look at all the giving back you do on this site.  You are a leader.  You are a friend.  You are a confidant.  You are a blessing!  You are so much more to so many people. 

A big thanks to you, the moderators and the mentors here for helping all of us! 

  • Logged
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#20: February 12, 2020, 08:16:17 AM
Hey 3 Boys.....welcome to the Class of 2017.   There are quite a few of us here yet.  Yuck!

As for reconnecting.  No!  This is not reconnecting at all.  He is a clinging cycling MLCer for now.  These are touch and goes.  Although he makes progress....he is still so deep in replay....just the more laid back replay.  He is not running away so much as lolly gagging now.  Dragging his feet.  Refusing to take the final plunge into the dark abyss that NEEDS to suck him down so he can finish this all out.  I wish I could tell him to go.  Dive in head first and deal with it because  things will be so much better once you do it and crawl out again.  Alas, I can't.

It is still all about him.  He just now tried to keep me in the cycle and I don't bite...most of the time.  Now and then I slip up but it is no longer devastating when I do.  I kick myself in the butt.  Tell myself I know better.  Forgive myself.  Learn a lesson and go back to life as I like it for me.

I read your time line and some of your posts.  Things have been quite crazy for you too the last few years.   I also see a strong woman in you.  Kudos to you!  You are gonna kick MLC butt and be ok too.  No matter what!
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#21: February 12, 2020, 08:32:47 AM
Although he makes progress....he is still so deep in replay....just the more laid back replay.

I think you are describing what I would call ‘comfortably settled in replay’ if any of my observations of my H and the descriptions of MLCers on many threads are worth anything.  They seem to go bonkers at the beginning and then ‘settle down’ to sustainable replay.  I dare say that is where they can potentially stay for years and years because it’s so darn doable. 

As for his interactions with you, from my cheap seat, it looks like he is unconsciously jerking the chain to see if the anchor to mommy is still holding.  It’s wise of you not to read anything into it.  My suggestion is, for what it’s worth, vanish the expressions, such as T&G or Reconnecting, from your MLC dictionary and put away any expectations naturally attached to them, as I am yet to witness where this way of thinking helped anyone.  Just keep on living and enjoying your life which you are doing so marvellously.  You are mind kinda girl, Sam!

((((HUGS)))))
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« Last Edit: February 12, 2020, 08:34:07 AM by Acorn »
My first thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8164.150

My reconnecting thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10524.msg699615#msg699615

Live-in MLCer

Feb 2015: BD. 
Oct 2015: ILYBINILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#22: February 19, 2020, 01:12:13 PM
Hi Acorn!  Thank you so very much for your input!

Quote
sustainable replay

Yes this makes sense and seems to describe him at this time.  Or at least as of last week.  LOL

H took a jump off the deep end again this weekend.  Will see how long it takes for him to surface again.

Quote
As for his interactions with you, from my cheap seat, it looks like he is unconsciously jerking the chain to see if the anchor to mommy is still holding.

I read this last week but took some time to analyze myself and think about this.   The nice thing about those "cheap seats" is that you can get a broad view of everything that is happening from a distance.  You can see it all! 

Anyhow, after thinking about this....I have to agree that you are right.  He comes he goes.  No real routine to it.  Just willy nilly.  When I don't pursue...he finds a reason to reach out.

I try to respond in kind.  Lately the few times I have had to call him, he answered right away.  Before, it went to voicemail.  Texts are sometimes immediate and sometimes awhile later.  Just depends on what he is doing.  So as long as he responds in a timely and realistic manner....I will do.  When he doesn't.  I don't.

Quote
My suggestion is, for what it’s worth, vanish the expressions, such as T&G or Reconnecting, from your MLC dictionary and put away any expectations naturally attached to them, as I am yet to witness where this way of thinking helped anyone.

Good advise.  In hindsight I was using T and G because it seemed like a good description of his activites.  He comes...hangs out.  Leave!  No expectations of when he will return or how long he will stay away in between visits.  Sometimes it is a day or two.  Sometimes it is 4,5 or 6 days.  I can see there is no substance to his visits.  He has to find excuses to stop by.  During the holidays it was easy because there was plenty of family events.  Now...not so many!  During the nice weather, it will be yard work.  Not now!  Sadly I don't have a lot of need for him right now.

To get that verbage out of my system....I guess I can just call them "visits".  Plain and simple and it brings no hint of expectation for me or anyone who may be reading. 

Lastly,  I am living my life.  I mean really living it to the best of my ability.  I have my love of Pickleball which now keeps me busy 3 to 4 days a week.  Time with the grandkids.  Time at my office.  Lastly...just plain on ME time.  Time to just putz around the house and do the things that make life happy and simple for me.

Thanks again Acorn for you advise.  It was gladly received and taken under consideration after I pondered on it for awhile.

Sam!

  • Logged
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

3
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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#23: February 19, 2020, 07:56:23 PM
Sam you sound really great, grounded, content. You situation going into a more pleasant routine doesn’t sound terrible - when you keep moving forward, he may look at you and want to keep up, or the view will be so beautiful ahead of you that you eagerly create new joyful experiences
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BD End of April 2017
Moved out - kind of, May 2017
Denied affair
Cycled hard April - Oct 2017, my son figured out affair, I confronted husband, we were going away as a family for the weekend - H monsters hard and files for a D end of Oct, 2017
D final Sept 2018
Many touch and goes
He lives in monster, kids haven’t been with him overnight since Jan 2019
Moved in with MOW, a former friend of mine, May 2019

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Changed. Change. Changing!
#24: March 01, 2020, 07:22:38 PM
Attaching

Sorry I haven't been around more! 
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M-42
H-44
S-20 (mine)
D-18 (ours)
S-15 (ours)
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17 (told me 4 days before)
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
New GF 2/29/20 (Told me 4/22/20)
Married her 4/24/20 (Told me 4/22/20)

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11618.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#25: March 02, 2020, 04:50:27 AM
Attaching Sam. You do sound great.
Acorn's thoughts about forgetting the MLC terminology resonate with me too (coming up to 4 years in my case). I got a bit lost in the terminology and over thought things. Still do sometimes.
Onwards and upwards, hey.
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Me: 51
H: 51
Adult S & D
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [worked away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#26: March 02, 2020, 05:08:33 AM
Sam:
Sounds much like mine: BD was also in late 2017 for me. Lots of what I will call sustainable replay right now after what I thought was reconnection last spring (yikes I was wrong). I’m trying to do like you and just live my life. Some days it’s easy, some days it’s tough. We also have a weird thing when he finds reasons to reach out. Last week I received a text early in the morning asking that I call him (my MIL has been very ill and I thought maybe she wasn’t doing well). Called him and he wanted to tell me some shenanigans his ex-wife was doing. That did not warrant an early morning (in my brain something bad has happened) text. Just an excuse to get in contact with me I think. Whew...crazy similar journeys.
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Changed. Change. Changing!
#27: March 05, 2020, 10:19:56 AM
3 Boys

Quote
when you keep moving forward, he may look at you and want to keep up, or the view will be so beautiful ahead of you that you eagerly create new joyful experiences

Thanks for your support and comments. 

I can only hope he wants to run to catch up to me....and at his age I hope he doesn't break something trying to do it!  LOL....Sorry...need some humor today.  Technology is a Debbie Downer right now!

In all seriousness, it is my hope that one day he will see what I can offer him in a relationship.  If not, then that is his choice and he will have to live with it.  I can't force him to want to try again.

As for me...I do have a beautiful future in front of me.  I know this for sure.  After this ordeal, I can't see where I would ever let things go in reverse ever again.  That is the good part of MLC.  I learned what is in my best interest without loosing sight of positives we can bring to others.
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

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Changed. Change. Changing!
#28: March 05, 2020, 10:21:28 AM
Faithwalker,

Please don't apologize.  You are living your life!  I applaud you and I am very happy for you!

Don't ever give up living for this forum or for anyone or anything else.

You and only you determine your priorities!  Keep on living for you!  I strongly support you in doing that!
  • Logged
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

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Changed. Change. Changing!
#29: March 05, 2020, 10:25:11 AM
Music,

Thanks for your comments.  Acorn had some great points.  I wholeheartedly agree.  There are parts of me that envy her ability to see things from the "cheap seats".

Hard to believe you have 4 years under your belt.  I am over two years.....and two years ago it seemed like this day would never come.  Looking back...I survived.  I thrived.  I am better now because I what I have endured.

I love this quote....
Quote
Onwards and upwards,
   

I don't have a reverse gear in me.  No more living in the past.  Only looking at today and the future that comes as it comes!
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

M
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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#30: March 05, 2020, 10:33:40 AM
Sam, you sound so good. It's nice you share this on here since it will give others hope they might get where you are. xxx
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

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Changed. Change. Changing!
#31: March 05, 2020, 10:36:33 AM
Surviving - It is a crazy world isn't it!?!

Since this all started I can read stories and see similarities but yet so many differences too. 

Similarities have always grounded me into understanding that things are just not right in his crazy lil world right now.  Too many people doing so many MLC things....just not a good normal way.

It also brings on empathy for H and others in these circumstances.  I just can't imagine their life when they finally snap out of it.  Doing some of the things that they do.  Destroying what they destroy...especially connections.  So sad!
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

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Changed. Change. Changing!
#32: March 05, 2020, 10:44:59 AM
Milly,

You snuck in here while I was typing away.  LOL!

Nice to hear from you!  Thanks for your comments.  You are one of the many that I also follow.  I may not always post comments, but I see you as a role model for muddling through this mess.  I think you have a great attitude and you are also an inspiration to others!

Keep it up!
  • Logged
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

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#33: March 05, 2020, 11:04:32 AM
So my theme is changes...so I am going to try to stick to that!

Driving to the office today, I was thinking more of where I was and where I want to go.  I had a podcast plugged into my car and it was talking mostly about self improvement.  How are ways to keep growing?  What are areas that need more attention?  What is a game plan for me to make me the best possible me I can be?

It was very though provoking.  One thing that made an impact was that in order to change me to the better for the future, I have to be able to honestly look to the past.  I have to look at my mistakes.  I have to look at things I did wrong not only as a person but also in the marriage.  I have to be open to honest feedback.  I have to not be afraid to ask others for feedback on how they see things.  I have to take all this info and use it to continue to improve myself in the areas I want to improve.

After reviewing the past, I have to use it for the future and then I have to accept the error of my ways and move forward.  I need to forgive myself and learn from it.  No different than what I have to do with my H.  If I am going to accept him...all of him...the good the bad and the ugly...then I need to accept and forgive and use the info for a better future there too.

Looking back, I have changed in the realm of forgiveness.  I have forgiven and continue to do so.  I have accepted that H is not personally trying to inflict pain and suffering.  I realize the error of my ways had some impact on his choices.  Bad as they may be....they are his choices and he will have to live with the consequences.  When the time comes, I have to be in a place where I can use the past only as a lesson for the future.  I have to forgive and let go of the hurts and the pain and the misdeeds by him.  I have to accept that neither of us were perfect and never will be.

If I am going to be the type of person who will constantly bring up the past to counter inflict pain on H in the future, then I need to walk away now.  No...I need to run.  That would be the wrong thing to do and all this standing will have been for naught.

I am not saying that the past can't be addressed.  There are things that will need to b e addressed...the issue is addressing them in a way that is constructive to all parties involved to have growth and healing on a continual basis. 

This is the person that I really want to be in the future.  I don't want to get sucked into the bringing up the past to inflict hurt.  I want the bad of the past to one day be forgotten in such a way that it is barely ever revisited and when it is, it is only done so to finish burying the negativity.  Using it only for something positive.

I know it sounds like I am placing all my eggs into an H basket for the future.  The truth is....what if it is not H.  I still have to let the past be a thing of the past and not rue my present life.  If it is another man in my life, he will not want to see or be around someone who is bitter and vindictive.  I know I wouldn't want that negativity in my life. 

So in order for me to continue to be the best me, I am looking inward at different personality issues that I possess.  I am turning to those that are closest to me for honest feedback.  Finding out what things I keep hidden from others and why.  Mostly to protect myself i am guessing and address them for myself.  What are things that I do that others see as a negative in my personality.  What of those things can I change and how can I do it? 

For example....my daughter when she is frustrated appears angry and mean.  She isn't that way.  An outsider not knowing her would say she can't handle things and just gets mean and nasty and turns into a biotch.  The truth is, that is how she shows frustration and it has a negative impact.

So...things like that is what I am looking for.  What "tude" is being portrayed by me when I am sad, angry, happy, tired, frustrated etc.  How can I more accurately address my feelings so others don't read my actions wrong?

I think this will keep me busy for awhile!  It will be challenging but I am really looking forward to this endeavor!
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

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#34: March 05, 2020, 11:29:28 AM
Historical H changes:

2018:  H moved home in March after living with a friend for 2 weeks and deciding he couldn't handle that.  He stayed for 4 mos then then made an exit...stage WEST bound!

During the first few months he was home, he was helpful and planning.  He wanted to do this that and the other thing around the house.  He did some chores.  We went out as friends yet I knew we were not friends.  I knew this move was not going to be permanent.  I never expected him to move 16 hours away and follow the OW...but he did.  More on that later.  For the 4 mos he was home, he lived in the spare room like a roomie.

2019:  H increased contact a little bit this month.  More than in the previous 8 months.  More texts.  More calls.  There was still long periods of silence but there was a start to improved communication.  Usually contact and then 7 to 13 days without any.

It was during the middle of the month that we got talking about pickleball and he invited me to church to play.  WHAT?  I was floored.  He was inviting me to be in the same place as he was to play a sport.  WOW.. He got me the schedule and hooked me up someone to give me some lessons.

I can honestly give him KUDOS for inviting me.  I love the sport!  My only regret is that I can't play it more often!  I enjoy not only the challenge and the exercise but also the social feature.  I have gotten to know so many people and I look forward to socializing with them at the courts.  I have even drew in a few as very close friends now.

2020:

H is house and dog sitting for me.  I was going to go away and ask my parents to sit for me.  Nope...H wanted to do it.  So I let him.  Not a biggie at all.  My parents were a back up because you never know when the MLCer can jump deep into the dark hole of doom and forget to wash their undies let alone take care of something or someone else.

Recently while I was traveling, H called and talked to me more than normal while I was driving.  It was great because it helped to pass time.  Still no substance to convos but I get to hear about his job a lot.  One time he loves it the next he hates it.  Oh well!   ::)

Communication is much better than last year but still not anywhere near normal.  He comes by the house for family things.  He calls or texts or visits and then disappears for 2 to 3 days then 2 to 3 days of communication and the he disappears again.

He did some things lately that have surprised me. 

This weekend i went away and when I came home, he refinished my headboard.  He had talked about doing it prior to BD.  This was our original bed from when we were married.  It is 34 plus years old but is solid wood and has held up over the years...all but the finish.  He sanded it and restained it and it is awesome.  Replaced the old back board with a new one and added chargers for the phones up at the headboard instead of having to plug them in behind the bed.  Very nice.  I saw this and teared up.  He promised me this years ago and never followed through.  I had made plans to tear my bed down this summer and get it all redone.  Now that I don't have to do it.

After that he started to tell me about other things he is going to do around the house.  Trimming trees, cutting down some old bushes.  My memory is going back to 2018 when he was saying the same thing.  Now I am hoping it is just spring talk.  Want to clean up around the house after the winter.    We shall see.  Time will tell!

After sharing all his plans, he then turns and says "I may not live here but I still have plans for this place!".  I was shocked.  I literally didn't know what to say.  He looked at me.  I smiled and shrugged.  He replied...Yeah.  I know.  Then hopped in his car and left.  Missed opportunity?  Maybe...I just knew that I didn't want to open my mouth and something snarky sounding came out.  (this goes back to working on me and my issues and responding appropriately)

So, after this, he disappears.  Expected!

Today, he showed up in my office.  I was here all alone and he actually visited.  He has not been here since many months prior to BD.  He used to come down for lunch now and then.  Prior to BD, he had plans with the OW so that meant no visiting me.

So he stopped in to tell me he went on a job interview but turned it down.  Doesn't pay enough plus they wanted him to put out money up front for testing, classes and equipment.  He left it open but said he is not going to change.

Last month he gave me a study guide for another job he wanted to pursue.  I still have the study guide and he has yet to make arrangements to reivew it.  I won't offer.  I already told him I would help when it was convenient.  Now it is up to him to pursue the opportunity.

So he hung around for 15 minutes and left.   All I can do is shake my head and roll my eyes after he leaves.

In 2018, he hated his job.  Now he doesn't like the job he is doing but he likes the money and won't leave unless he can find something equivalent.

I would love to tell him that no matte what he does right now, he won't find the satisfaction he is looking for.  I don't.  I grin and just encourage him that the right thing will come along and when it does he will know it!

Oh well.....
  • Logged
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

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#35: March 05, 2020, 11:53:00 AM
How thrilling to come home to your headboard redone!

I'm glad that you are enjoying pickleball so much.
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M-42
H-44
S-20 (mine)
D-18 (ours)
S-15 (ours)
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17 (told me 4 days before)
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
New GF 2/29/20 (Told me 4/22/20)
Married her 4/24/20 (Told me 4/22/20)

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11618.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

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"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#36: March 05, 2020, 12:50:21 PM
re: post #34.   Wow, Sam,,, just wow.   I love everything you wrote in this post.  You have done such a great job of looking inward, doing the hard work to recover, and it sure looks like it's paying off.   You are on your way - well done!
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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#37: March 08, 2020, 04:58:56 PM
Sam, sounds like there are some positive changes in your H: headboard, planning other improvements for your house, paintball! Good movement here on his side. You sound great. I love how you kept your mouth shut. Great decision! I must learn from you!
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

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Changed. Change. Changing!
#38: March 09, 2020, 09:01:07 PM
Sam, I have to say that we have a similar timeline, and I have the same philosophy as you. I am able to look at my marriage and see the mistakes I made, and I have been working hard to become a better person. I may not end up with H eventually, but I like myself a whole lot better these days. H sees the changes I have made but doesn't trust the relationship yet. Your husband's actions are looking really positive. The love and thought that went into that headboard is encouraging. I'm cheering you on. It would be lovely to hear about another reconnection.
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H52
M50
Married 28 years, together 35.
BD 12/15 ILYBINILWY
Affair discovered 12/17
moved out 12/17
Trying to stand for the marriage.
H mentioned Divorce twice, no action yet.

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#39: March 17, 2020, 12:13:06 PM
Hello FW!  Thanks for your response.

Yes, the head board was exciting.  I still love it every night I go to bed.

What is funny is H tried to make it the same as the original color.  My plans for this summer was to actually stain it a fun color.  Like teal or blue or something way different.  I am very happy with it but it just shows to me how much I am changing.  No more drap dark colors.  Give me fun.   I love bright and lively in my life not dark and dreary anymore.

So glad to see things are going well for you...despite MLC.
  • Logged
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

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Changed. Change. Changing!
#40: March 17, 2020, 12:15:10 PM
Hi Anon!

Glad to have you along on my journey.  I am still one of your stalkers.  Not on here much so by the time I read, everything I would comment is old news so to say.

I think you are doing well.  Keep it up.

As for the work...I did it and I am still doing it.  It can sometimes be very challenging but always rewarding after the worst of the issues is past.  I know I am better because of it and that is all that matters.

Keep your chin up!  All will be ok!
  • Logged
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

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#41: March 17, 2020, 12:20:23 PM
Hello Milly.....how are things going in your part of the world?  Hopefully you are staying healthy!

Quote
Sam, sounds like there are some positive changes in your H: headboard, planning other improvements for your house, paintball!

I can hope it is good movement but the truth is I don't trust that it is.  We were here before in 2018 when he moved up for a few months.  He planned.  He did some things but the big things went undone and then he was gone.  So....I just don't trust it is GOOD movement yet.  Movement yes...but it really could cycle right back again too. 

So I choose to enjoy the benefits without hanging any hope on it....yet!

Quote
I love how you kept your mouth shut

Ha Ha...it wasn't easy.  I just knew that if I said anything it would sound snarky....so I was glad that I drew a blank for anything constructive and kept the snark to myself.

Take care of yourself!   

  • Logged
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

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#42: March 17, 2020, 12:32:29 PM
Hi Didot......I have to confess that I have read nothing about your story.  So sorry.  I will make it a point to catch up sometime soon.

I am so glad that you are working on you and seeing improvement.  Feels so good....doesn't it!

Lucky for you that your H sees the changes.  If my H does....he doesn't say much.  He is not a talker and not a sharer.  At least not with me.  Usually when he chooses to share, it is with someone that he knows will get the info back to me.  I never ever let on that I know he talked to them. 

Thanks for your support!  I would love a reconnection and reconilliation...but I am not banking on it anytime soon.  Things are still just too odd with him.

Take care of yourself!
  • Logged
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

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Changed. Change. Changing!
#43: March 17, 2020, 12:49:15 PM
Hello Everyone....typically I don't check in this frequently but with the "shut down" of our State, I am bored.  I am keeping my business open and we are staying busy...just not as busy as normal.  Couple that with some technical issues that has a new program at a standstill....the result is I am bored out of my mind right now.

Don't have much to say...just one thing.  I finally saw the Jekyl-Hyde thing that others have talked about and I read about.

Yes my H became the opposite of what he was...but I have not seen him flip flop back and forth until last week.

What I noticed is that that is is not angry/nice.  He is good boy/bad boy!   For the most part he plays the part of a fairly good boy around me, but I did see him slip up and bad boy came out.  LOL.  Not mean.  Not angry.  He was the typical bad boy.

He wanted to buck the system.  He wanted to fight back.  He wanted it his way and everyone else was wrong.  Blah Blah Blah.  Then just a few days later, the extremely good boy showed up.   Looking back, I have seen him on the verge of bad boy before, but never this bad. He was the "bad boy" of the movies bad.  James Dean bad.

The same system he was dissing....he was supporting.  Things were awesome.  People are  good.  All is well.  I really expected him to tell me he joined a commune.  He was that good.  Euphoric in a way.

A few days later....back to MLC H I have known for the last year.  Just there.  Some complaints but not bad boy complaints.  Some good but not euphoric good.

So odd to see that happen in such a short span of time.  Wonder what shows up next?  Time will tell.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

For the past week, H has been on vacation.  While away, he was snapping and texting on a regular basis.  Sharing what all he is doing.  Ok.  He was sending me things that he knew I liked and enjoyed.  He was even playing pickleball where he was at.  Yep...got pics of strangers playing pb just to show me where he was.

During one of these convos, he mentioned that he is thinking of selling his cycle again.  Doesn't know what to do.  Keep it, sell it.  All so confusing.

He goes through these weird cycles where he is going to sell things.  His cycle and his car mainly.   They alternate too. 

It is times like these that I really wonder what is going on in his mind to bring this up and bring it up with me.  He keeps revisiting them.  Then there is a lull.  Then back at it and he talks to me about again like we never had the convo before.  Strange to me.

OW loves his bike.  She makes no bones about being drawn to bad boys with Harleys.  Has it posted on her FB.  She buys the clothes and plays the part of a biker babe too.  Not pretty when you are a larger woman in those tight clothes.  Gross!  Anyhow, I can't see her buying into him selling his bike.  That is one of the things that brought them together.  He would ride bike to meet her at the dive bars she frequented.  They would ride out of town so as not to be seen by others prior to BD.   

I know I won't tell him to keep it or sell it.  I'll listen to him.  I won't advise him.  He has to figure it out.


Hope you all take care.  Can't wait until the COVID-19 is a thing of the past and we get back to a semi normal life here in my neck of the woods.
  • Logged
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

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#44: March 18, 2020, 09:32:13 AM
OW loves his bike.  She makes no bones about being drawn to bad boys with Harleys.  Has it posted on her FB.  She buys the clothes and plays the part of a biker babe too.  Not pretty when you are a larger woman in those tight clothes.  Gross!  Anyhow, I can't see her buying into him selling his bike.  That is one of the things that brought them together.  He would ride bike to meet her at the dive bars she frequented.  They would ride out of town so as not to be seen by others prior to BD.   

I know I won't tell him to keep it or sell it.  I'll listen to him.  I won't advise him.  He has to figure it out.

One of these?

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Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
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#45: March 24, 2020, 03:27:45 AM
Haha. Even worse than that!
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

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Changed. Change. Changing!
#46: April 16, 2020, 06:57:19 PM
Hi All!  I hope you are all doing well.  I am doing great despite everything going on in the real world and the MLC world.

Would it surprise you if I said that H is wackier than his normal MLC wacky?  I see moments when he seems to have it all together.  Smiles, participates in family activities and then BAM.....he is sitting staring at his phone and can't remember things.  Oh, well.  This is all for him to figure out.  I just sit back...observe and try not to let people see me shaking my head and rolling my eyes at his shenanigans.

The next biggest change with H is that he is trying to do more family activities.  I have been having D and Gkids over Sat am for breakfast.  They used to go out for breakfast on Sat am.  Now that they can't, the Gkids think that coming to Grammies house is going out.   H has been opting to join us.  He tells D and I to send him a text when they are on their way.  He shows up.  Participates in family time then leaves for work.  More time actively engaging with the family and less time on his phone.  He still has moments where he goes off alone but they are much fewer than last year or the year before at this time.

Before the total shut down of all businesses in the state, H was car shopping and asked me to go along with him.  We got to the dealership after hours.  Plans were to go back the next day...that is when the total shut down hit closing down the businesses.  So his care shopping is on hold.  1.5 years ago, he purchased a truck and I was not involved at all.  Of course, this was during a time when he barely spoke to me.  I remember him showing up at my office needed some help with documents and before he told me he bought the truck, he was so nervous.  His hands were shaking.  His voice quivered.  I expected something horrible.  It wasn't. 

So there are some minor improvements in H when I look back for the last year or two and compare.  Yeah.  However, there is still so much for him to deal with yet.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

H's sister!  Oh my...want to talk about changes.  It is her.  Year and years ago, we had a decent relationship.  Never really close because we were so different but we got along and had fun together at family events.  Then she started to change.  Looking back, I wonder if 10 years ago she didn't start into her MLC.  I thought she was just a WAS but now I am thinking differently.

Ten years ago she started to withdraw.  Not as much fun to be around.  I got to the point where I told H that I don't think sis likes me.  No real reason...just the distance.  Over the last few years, some info has been brought to my attention.  I started to keep an eye of SIL.  Something wasn't right.  Out of the blue, she wanted to get close again after BD but things just never felt sincere.  Now I am starting to get it. 

SIL started an affair with a hs boyfriend.  Both were married at the time.  SIL was not happy at home.  Her h was grumpy and mean and ignored her and spend al his time at his business.  (He was grumpy and I witnessed him being mean to her once but he was grumpy).  Suddenly one day, H tells me that SIL wants to leave her H.  We had a place for her to stay and she wanted to move there.  Based on what I knew at the time.  I allowed it.  I didn't know about the BF on the side.  I supported her leaving to try to figure out what she wanted to do.  She couldn't live with the grumpiness anymore.

A year after leaving her H, SIL up and moved out of state announcing she was marrying the BF.  She did eventually.  Quit her job to go where he wanted to go.  He worked on the road all week long and was only home on the weekends.  On the weekends he could go anywhere he wanted to go.  He could come to visit her....most weekends he went to a vacation place in another state.  Instead of coming to see her, he went to where his interests were for himself.  I saw this as odd.  When BF finally convinced SIL to quit her job...move away from her family and friends and go live with him in a camper, I had reservations.  Something felt off.  Looking back, it was me seeing his selfishness but I couldn't put my finger on it at the time.

For several years, SIL lived the life of a kept woman.  During the week her 2nd H was out of town working and she lived alone in another state, safely tucked away in a camper with no one to influence her.  She wasn't always happy being alone, but she wanted to see her 2nd h more so she had to be where he was.  No job.  No family.  Not much of anything other than a garden to keep her busy.  This went on for several years and he finally decided they could buy a home back here.  However, it was going to be a summer cabin only.  Not gonna live here all year round.

In the middle of building this dream cabin, 2nd H passed suddenly.  SIL got stranger and stranger.  Depression for sure.  She was talking and acting like 2nd H.  Even changing her voice to have the same sound as 2nd H did.  Strange.

At the end of 2019, SIL told me she is tired of not being happy.  (boy I remember those early days).  She was getting counseling.  Going to grief classes and working on being more positive.  She still moaned that she didn't want to live here.  She didn't want to have to go back to work to support herself.  She didn't want to give up traveling.  She didn't want to live her life without 2nd h. 

Whatever SIL is doing is working.  She is so much more pleasing to be around.  She now sounds sincere when she comes by.  We help each other out.  We go out for ice cream and chats.  We chat about everything and anything other than H...her brother.  She comes to family events.  She tries to include me in family events.  She is enjoyable to be around again.  We are sharing garden plants and seeds and snaps and just getting along.

Why....well, some of it is because I have changed.  I never cared for her 2nd H and I never accepted him.  I know she was "in love" with him for the short time they were together.  He bought her happiness.  He gave her the life of luxury...travel, adventure, infatuation, dreams but he also took her away from family and friends who could support here when he wasn't around.  That was his selfishness.  He isolated her.  I now know this was her choosing.  I have let go of all the old frustration with seeing her disenchanted 5 days a week.  She is also working on her positivity and learning to live a life on her own.  Except she is relying on her brother as a workhorse in place of her H.  Brother is not her go-to person vs her H.  Tells bro all the time how she can't make it without him.  So glad he is choosing to live with her. blah blah blah. 

I don't hold this against her.  I would have at one time.  Now I see that she is still learning and growing and still needs TIME to adapt to her new life.  A life she didn't choose.  A life that was never in her dreams.  She is now in the real world again and not living the fantasy life she had.

The bottom line, I am thinking when her MLC started is when we started to drift apart.  Why...because she was keeping secrets.  Secrets she was sharing with her bro.  She was using her bro as an excuse when she would meet up with BF.  Yep...found out that she would tell her H she was going away with bro when she was secretly meeting BF.  Sadly, he kept those secrets for years.  Only in the last two has he occasionally left the cat out of the bag. 

So as of this time, I still don't fully trust her.  However, I do enjoy her company more again.  I see her interacting with my gkids more.  I see her including my D in things more.  She has done a 180 and is back to being involved with everyone more.  It is nice.  Will see how that plays out.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I know I am getting long-winded...sorry.  Almost done.

My changes....over the last month I have seen myself in a different place.  When H pulls his shenanigans...I smile, shake my head and roll my eyes.  There isn't even a murmur of sadness involved with him and his MLC life.  I don't know how to explain it.   It is not numbness.  I still feel.  I still love.  I feel empathy for him because I can see how he is not right.  I see the unhappiness under the fake smile.  My heart breaks for him.  My heart doesn't break for me.  It is like...oh well...he will figure it out and I can turn and walk away and let it all go.  No pain.  No reaction.  I just turn my attention to something else.  Something more pleasing for sure.

Total detachment?  Maybe.  Time will tell.  I just know that I am also in the best place I have been in since this all started.  I am where I am because it is what I choose for me.  It is what I work for.  It is where I hope that H will get to one day.  I really would like to see his suffering stop.

Sorry about the length...but thanks for letting me share here what I can't share in the real world with people who just don't get it.

Hope everyone stays safe!  Wear those masks!  Real ones.  Not mlc masks!
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

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S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
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#47: April 17, 2020, 04:39:52 PM
Lovely update Sam.

Hadn’t realised the story of your SIL so thanks for sharing it.

You are doing so well with all of this and always have!
It’s great reading your updates
Rose 🌹
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Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

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#48: April 17, 2020, 10:52:19 PM
Catching up Sam.

Thanks for sharing your story about your SIL. It's amazing how this journey of ours changes the way we relate to others. I feel like I've become less naive and innocent but also less judgmental. Which is pretty strange.

Glad your H is making progress. Even if it is at glacier speed.
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Together 28 years, married 27
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BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2: 2018 - FA
W moved out - June 2019
OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019
Divorce final - September 2019
Card-carrying member of the Iffer Party

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11537.new#new

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#49: April 18, 2020, 08:39:01 AM
Sam -
Great to catch up.
As always - you sound great!

So glad that H is spending time for Saturday breakfast with the family, and less time on phone.
He doesn't need the distraction, so he's more focused on family, which is good.

I remember your SIL through this whole thing.
Interesting that you were able to tease out her actions and how she's re=evaluating her life -- the one she didn't want.
Kind of like an LBS, I guess -- even though you believe that she went through her own MLC. 
Although her H didn't leave willingly, I imagine that the sudden loss of a limerent object would feel a lot like being left behind.
At least she's doing the work and growing through it.

Keep up your terrific growth.
You're amazing!

Sea
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#50: May 16, 2020, 10:46:57 AM
Sam,

A very long time... So much has gone on in our worlds, its hard to keep track of what has happened, where you're at and how you are coping with it all.
But I know as I have backtracked and read your updates, that you are doing good.
I'm glad to see that you have moved forward, that you have changed so much, and you are just being the woman you know you are.

I've been out and about, learning, listening, improving. Still have my moments, still ponder, but now they are better moments..

I miss talking with you!
I hope to catch up soon...

Mrs.
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#51: May 28, 2020, 10:09:29 AM
 Hello Rose....I hope you are doing well.  I can caught up on your thread.  Crazy how MLCers just toss things away. 

Really crazy that once you learn about MLC, you start to see it in others where you didn't see it before.

A few weeks ago, I lady I play PB with had heard rumors out my marriage and things with H.  She asked to come and talk to me.

She was asking very specific questions about H was acting.  After a delightful afternoon, she informed me that she feels her H is going through it now too.

His started years ago.  He kicked her out then he wanted her back but things have not been the same since.  He sounds like more of a wallower.  No OW...works a lot.  When he comes home he is grumpy and sits on the couch watching TV and ignorning her.  Sometimes he is verbally mean and she tells him where to go and dump!  He is also drinking a lot.  More so when they go to visit the kids. (Step to him but he adopted them when they were young) 

At PB....I have seen him be a bit moody..seen him be a bit mean to his W in a sarcastic way and I have seen her tell him to knock it off she doesn't have to put up with his crap!

I never suspected that she was gonna tell me that outside of the OW her H and my H are similar in many ways.  They really can put on a mask in public and make things look normal to the world when they want to. 

Anyhow, without her knowing what she is doing, she is giving space and not backing down from his BS but not doing anything to instigate it either.  Kudos to her!

Now besides PB, we both have each other to support through this.  She just kept telling me that no one would believe her.  She tried to talk to a few people and they though she was crazy.  Told her to get help if she wasn't happy.  Quit blaming it on H. 

She is a happy go lucky beautiful person inside and out and someday her H will realize the gem he has.
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

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#52: May 28, 2020, 10:13:27 AM
PJ -

Quote
I feel like I've become less naive and innocent but also less judgmental. Which is pretty strange.


May be strange but doesn't it also feel awesome!!!   I think that is us growing up and growing into being better people.  We are more accepting.  The little things don't bother you as much you just them roll off your back.  You appreciate more more all the time!

As for H progressing.....he is where he is and he will get to where he needs to be when he is ready.  Glacier speed....yeppers.  Definately no rush about anthing at all.

Hope you are doing well.  Just keep taking care of you and your family!

SAM
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

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#53: May 28, 2020, 10:16:58 AM
Sea....so awesome to catch up with you but sorry it had to be under the circumstances that it was.  Once COVID is behind us, we all need to get together again.  I can't wait!

Hard to believe you hit the 3 year mark already.  Time flies when you are having fun.  I quit counting and had to figure out where I was after our convo.  That is a good thing I guess.

Anyhow, stay true to what you want.  Know you are not being pressured to make any decisions about your future.  Take your time and just do for you!  The future will work out the way it is supposed to work out.  Trust in that!  No matter what, you will have a bright and wonderful future ahead of you!

Take care!

Sam
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

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#54: May 28, 2020, 10:21:49 AM
Mrs.

Quote
I've been out and about, learning, listening, improving. Still have my moments, still ponder, but now they are better moments..

Glad to hear you are doing for you.  I have to go and catch up on your post too.  As for talking....give me a call anytime!

I had hoped to make a trip to your neck of the woods, but COVID is keeping me home.  I know for sure I will be out  end of May/early June next year for graduation.   I have got to meet you!

Actually thinking of flying into CA and sightseeing for a day or two in San Fran and then flying to Vegas for a day or two then driving to your city.  Spending a week there and then driving home.  Figured it would take me about 2 weeks to drive home and shop and see things between our two states.  Give me lots of alone and away time and a change to see places I have never seen.

Anyhow....my squirel brain got me again....hope you are well and give me a call to catch up sometime!   SAM
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

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#55: May 28, 2020, 10:47:56 AM
So...what has changed from last May until this May.  Not a lot.  H is still doing chores for me.  I was getting to a point where I noticed I was relying on H to cut the grass and there was times it needed cut and he wasn't around to do it.  I knew this was wrong of me so I started to cut it in between myself. 

Now I get tips on how to cut the grass his way.  Things he does to make it nicer.  This is usually after he shows up to cut it and it is already done.  His way of telling me he was there and wasn't useful.

He is trying very hard to be useful in my opinion.  Doing little things and not telling me and if I don't notice he drops hints.  I thank him.  Tell him he didn't need to do it but that I appreciate the help.

He is now telling me of things he wants to do instead of just always doing them.  He volunteered to run to the dump for me.  He volunteered to put the AC units in for me.  He is telling me to ask him for help but not at the last minute...to give him time to plan ahead and he will help me do things.

He is still making plans for the fall to add onto the shed for storage.  He told me he liked my choice of color for the patio furnace when I had it re-coated.

All this but there are still signs of neediness. 

Ex of his neediness to be acknowledged:

My wheelbarrow needed emptied.  My hint was...where should I put the wheelbarrow now.  Me:  I'll put it away after it is emptied.  H:  Pulls it out to show me it is empty.

Called to tell me that he cut my office grass when I didn't notice it was done.  I use that back door so I don't pay much attention to the front yard.  He would never have called last year.  Maybe alerted my office manager or sent a group text just so he could get kudos.

Got a pic of Wasp spray today sitting on my counter.  Told him I noticed wasps the other day and had to figure out where they were coming and going from.  In the past, he would have put it  on the counter but not notified me.

It is just all little things.

He is still coming over for a family breakfast each week.  Never invited.  He just shows.  Make a request a few weeks back to try something different.  We did.  It was good.  This week he ate supper with me two times after pickleball.  That was a first.

He is bringing food now and then.  Last night he showed up with Jalopena poppers he made and put them on the grill while I was making supper.  He stayed for supper and swam in the pool before leaving.

Sometimes he tells me when and where he is working and when he will be home and other times nothing.

More phone calls for more normal things.  Then they stop for awhile.  As well as the visits except for breakfast.  He has not missed one of them.  May not stay long but he shows every Sat am.

He is still coming and going willy nilly.  He is a bit more in touch with daughter.  Less in touch with son.  Giving more attention to grandkids especially grand daughter.  Petting the dogs more.

NO....he is not reconnecting at all.  He is still in replay and has to fight his way out of that wet paper sack on his own.  OW 1 and OW 2 are still sniffing around.  Still has secret trips out of town to the same place OW 2 lives.  Still has times when he goes for awhile with no contact then BAM he is in my face for a bit and then bye bye bye again. 

I see all he is doing as re building of a broken relationship from my end.  Rebuilding a friendship from the ground up.  Just getting to know each other a bit.  I am letting him into my world when he wants to come in but not inviting him when he is distant.  He seems to find ways to come back.  So he needs the down time.  He needs the space.  He needs to recharge after getting Sam overload.  I give him that!


As for me....I am still concentrating on me.  I noticed I can ask H more questions as long as they are related to whatever he is talking about.  No longer do I feel like I am invading his privacy.

When he talks about work or friends or hunting or mowing or whatever it is....he lets me ask questions about that subject and I try to be as interested as posible.  Show calm interest in what he is doing.

For example:  Last night we talked for 20 minutes about poppers after he brought some he made.

Other than that....my life is boring but I am happy in it.  Time with family.  Pickleball.  Dedicating more to work and to my health and to just  living.

I am really truely happy and loving life right now!  I am using this time to do for me what and when I want!
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

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#56: May 28, 2020, 01:54:16 PM
Sam -
Thanks for talking the other night...

As always, you sound healthy, strong and happy.
Glad that H is around, even if still in replay.
I think, if you're detached - which you are, then it's better to have them around and keep conversations going.
Things will just progress when it's time.
Compared to a vanisher where I think it would be really difficult and awkward to have conversations or visits again.

JMO.

Take care, stay safe, and keep loving your life.

Sea
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#57: June 19, 2020, 12:49:48 PM
My monthly update....sometimes I have to make myself come here.  I get so busy that I just don't take the time to slow down and post. 

I know I am far less obsessed with MLC land.  Less concerned about H.  More concerned about me and what I am doing. 

I have changed in who and what I am and not in a bad way.

Just yesterday I had a look into the old me....bear with me while I get wordy!

Yesterday I went to a drive through for a nice cold treat and refreshment.  As soon as I got to the window, the clerk was chatting away with a friend and oblivious to me pulling up for my order.  Friend nudged her and she turned and apologized.  She was sharing pic of her new home with friend./color]

Old me would have laid in to her or have been rude.  Reminding her I am a customer and she was wasting my time

New me...congratulated her.  Asked her about her home.  Chatted for a few mins until someone else pulled up behind me.  Then I politely excused myself and gave her my best wishes.

I don't know this lady and with the masks...I wouldn't know her in the future.  As I was driving down the road it suddenly hit me how polite I was vs the nasty wench I could have been.  Yeah me. 

I believe this comes from my internal happiness.  I am so happy inside that I can be happy for others too.  There was a time when I didn't have this and it was easier to bring someone down than it was to build them up and share happiness with them.

Ugh....how miserable I was for a time.  I don't like the person I was....but I can say I kissed that person good bye and I never want to be that person ever again!
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

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#58: June 19, 2020, 01:18:51 PM
Now I want to do the comparison of live with H looking back!

June of 2018:  H was living with me.  We just returned from a great vacation visiting son.  H was strange but this was his new normal since he had moved home.   Later this month, H revealed that he was leaving again.  Moving several states away to live with OW.  Over the next few weeks, strange things were going on and then he left.

When he left, I figured it would be many many many years until I saw him again....if ever.  This is where I had kissed him good bye for the last time.  This was the last time I told him I loved him.  This is when the death of the marriage came for me.  This is when I really started to heal and deal.

At this time, H quit and gave up everything for the OW.  Quit a great paying job.  Left his home.  Let his pregnant daughter.  Left his Grandson who he adored at one time and now had nothing to do with.  Left his two dogs behind with me.  All to chase whatever it was he was chasing.

Little did I know that he would be back in about two months.  During this time, I had no worries....I just moved on with life.

June 2019:  H was coming by the house to do chores.  Mostly weed whacking and mowing but it was helpful.  He always tried to get it done when he knew I was not around.  I was still seeing him occassionally at pickleball.  Sometimes he was friendly.  Sometimes he was not.  There were times he would call and talk but there was many more days when I heard nothing from him at all.  Not texts, not snaps...nothing. 

June 2020:  H is playing PB 2 to 3 times a week with me.  He is coming over 1 to 2 times a week to visit with the kids when they are here.  Occassionally he will eat supper with me after PB.  He almost always comes to swim after evening pb.  There is much more communication but yet there is no substance to it.  He comes by to help with some chores when he feels like it.  I pretty much asked him to let me mow because he is mowing for my parents, his parents, his sister and now the OW who recently bought a house.  He doesn't need me to rely on him too.  So I do my own mowing, but he makes sure the mower is filled with gas.  He helps when I really can't get it done. 

He is still talking about buidling an addition to the new shed.  Laying out plans.  Just waiting for the lumber to come back from being milled then he will start on it.  Other than that....he does little around the house anymore.


He talks more positively about his job.  The same job he RAN from 2 years.  The same job that he hated and would never do again.  He is not loving it...but he is loving the money aspect.

Money...work...that is a big change for H over the years.  2018....he was wasting money.  He had to borrow money to move out of state.  He quit his job with no savings because he was gambling.  He still gambles but not before.  Not hundreds of dollars a day.  Not even hundreds of dollars a week.  Now he is so tight he squeeks unless he is buying something.  He is into buying new lawn toys.  New blower.  New weedeater (he got this only because I wouldn't let him use mine after I found out he was using it to manicure OW's lawn when he was mowing for her).  Outside of that, he is proudly saving his money.  He has his bike paid off a year year and his truck will be paid off by the end of next month.  He is saving up for some dental work to be done also.  He wiped out all his credit card debt he built up..  I am both happy and proud of him. 

Another change for him is he has a new friend in his life.  This guy is young....by about 15 to 20 years.  He is recently separated from his wife who had him arrested and filed a PFA against him so he had to move out.  So now they are two bachelors paling around.  My of My!  Better than other options.  Spending time with the HITman means less time with OW.  They are hunting even venturing into new hunting.  Snakes.  Rattlesnakes to be exact.  Not my idea of fun but I like it much better than the OW options!

He is volunteering at work for extra shifts.  Especially on holidays.  He gets holiday pay plus a bonus plus regular pay for working these days. 

He still talks about buying a new car.  A few weeks ago it changed to I want to take care of some things and save some money.  This one will last me another year, then I'll give it to son and my myself something else.  Ok.....I love this idea.  Just told him that it sounds like a plan.

So H is giving me more insight into his life, yet he is still hiding his phone at times.  Other times he doesn't.  Comes and visits and talks and texts more than the days when he doesn't.  He is running hot and cold.  More hot than cold vs last year and the year before.

I can clearly still see replay in his life.  The hiding the phone when he is texting.  The checking out who is calling before answering.  The running out soon after getting a text.  The inability to sit and enjoy family.  He has got to be doing things....can't just sit and chat or he gets antsy.  The convos that revolve around him and what he is doing.

I am also starting to see some more grumpiness coming back.  More miserable at times.  Others times he seems fairly happy.  I see more real smiles but I also see the replay paralyzed smile he is famous for.  I see laughing and joking.  I still see serious and stoic.  I see a family man...I see a loner who just wants to sit and play games on his phone.

I see the man I once knew show up for a split second now and then....then I see a child like man who is lacking confidence.  I see a man who can't relate to his grandkids at times and I see a man who is playing with and enjoying them the next.

Never know who or what you will see with him but it doesn't matter.  What ever persona he brings to the table...I can handle.  Still no real monster at me.  Never really saw that from him except for when I pushed.
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

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#59: June 21, 2020, 10:17:35 AM
Nice recap Sam.
And I'm so happy that you feel happier overall, with the "new you".

It seems we/they get nasty when we're not happy and pleasant when we are;
That's true for us, but also for the MLCer; when they're monster they are truly showing their unhappiness.
When they are civil, they tend to be happy(ier).

Hugs,
Sea
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#60: July 02, 2020, 05:29:02 PM
Just catching up on your thread Sam, you sound well. Your MLCer seems to be progressing more quickly than most. I imagine that’s a double edged sword... take good care!
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BD End of April 2017
Moved out - kind of, May 2017
Denied affair
Cycled hard April - Oct 2017, my son figured out affair, I confronted husband, we were going away as a family for the weekend - H monsters hard and files for a D end of Oct, 2017
D final Sept 2018
Many touch and goes
He lives in monster, kids haven’t been with him overnight since Jan 2019
Moved in with MOW, a former friend of mine, May 2019

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#61: July 23, 2020, 08:23:50 AM
Hey Sea!  As always, very nice to hear from you!  Hope all is as well as can be in your world.  Keep your chin up!  Your H is still spiraling down.  Just take care of you and your handsome boys!
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

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#62: July 23, 2020, 08:25:00 AM
Dear 3 Boys....Just when you comment on him progressing...the world goes backwards.  Isn't this a rule in MLC?  Ha Ha!

No matter what....all is good!

Hope you are well and safe too!  Thanks for catching up!   Sam
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

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#63: July 23, 2020, 08:49:03 AM
My July Recap of Changes:

July 2018 - H makes his move out of State.  Moved over 15 hours away to be with the woman he LUVS.  He knows it is crazy but he just has to do it.

July 2019 - We are civil but I know H is still involved with OW1 and he is lying about it.  I figured out that 7.15 is an important date to her.  He has to meet be meet up with her in 2018 before the 15th.  This year he took time off of work to go on an all day bike ride ALONE.  However, there was someone taking and posting pictures of him and it wasn't him as both hands were clearly on the handlebars.   Hmmm.  Love the lies!

July 2020 - The beginning of the month rolled around with no big Fireworks.  Communication from him was frequent but only on safe topics.  Visits were frequent.  Meeting up at the courts was frequent.

Middle of the month and we are approaching 7/15.  By this time, I thought strongly that OW1 was being weaned out of the picture.  Come to find out that appears to be true.  H goes out of town but not with OW1.....he went to meet OW2.

When it came to light (which I had suspected prior to this but didn't have proof), it was hurtful.  It brought up memories.  I slipped backwards a bit.  Lucky for me I have a great support group who let me talk it out.  They listened to me as my mind and my emotions were racing.  They kept me calm and level headed. 

Due to by lesson through MLC...instead of taking months to recover....it only took weeks to get my wits back.  No tears.  A bit of anger...anger at the lies vs him being open.  Anger at the secrets and the omissions which he admitted to.

At the end of it all, he told me that he is living daily with the hurt and pain he caused me.  First time this was ever admitted.

So since all of this has come to light....some bricks went back up by me for my protection.  He also put some more bricks up too.

Gone is our relaxed friendliness.  Gone is the frequent visits.  Gone is the help he came and did.  Gone is the ramdom visit to take a dip in the pool.

Family breakfast was still there this past week...don't know about future weeks.  He is still anchor checking...more through texts and snaps.  Less calls and visits.

I am ok with all of this.  Don't get me wrong, there was a part of me that hoped there was progress....but the truth is I knew all along that he was still deep in replay and it appears to be getting deeper again.  Going back into the darkness.

The paralyzed smile reappeared after the OW2 was outed.  The dark eyes.  The forgetting is back again now too.

Me....as I discussed with my friends, it appears there is some cake eating right now.  So I have to continue to do for me.  I have to back off and let him go and realize his family may not always be here for him.  I am waiting to respond to texts.  Last night he called and I took the call long enough to tell him I couldn't talk, the family was visiting.  The grandkids got to say HI....then it was too much chaos and the call ended.

I am back to giving him space.  At the same time, it is space that I need too.  I need to let go and let the hopes go until he is ready to fight his way out of replay.  Right now the woman he is drawn too is more important to him than his home, his dog, his family or his wife.  I know deep down that we are all important,,,jut the MLC drive is masking all the love for us and he is seeking instant gratification. 

He can have it....I want real...not fake or imitation.

I know in my heart that OW 2 is not gonna last either.  There is not the same drive or craziness as there was with OW1.  He is not looking to give up all to move to be with her (which is several hours away)  She is still married but separated and when you look at her FB pics, it appears that she may also be in MLC.  The eyes....the smile....the weight gain followed by intense gym visits and weight loss.  The leaving the H, a beautiful home, the pet she loves, the villification of her H.  He is a narcissist now...when 2 years ago he was the love of her life.   Yep...there is a possibility that a perfect storm has erupted with these two.

Anyhow, I just don't see the strong draw.  He goes to visit every 4 to 6 six weeks for 2 to 3 days then he comes back here to a life he has chosen and for now remains here. With OW 1, there was that magnetic draw that couldn't keep them apart.  He admitted to this. 

 Could this all change....sure could.  He could go off the deep end again and quit his job and move away again.  That is all his choice and he will have to live with the consequences.   Not me!
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

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#64: August 07, 2020, 01:51:05 PM
Oh Sam! wow!

I sometimes wonder if exH has an ow2 as he is always avoiding the "so did you move out" from S23.
You sound great, glad you have such a great support group to help you through the tough moments. I just got caught up on your thread, as I have been MIA
for quite some time. The pandemic kept me busier than I thought. As I'm sitting here typing when I should be working. (haha)

I'm glad you are keeping your wits and keeping a strong head on and looking forward.
You are an inspiration!

Hugs!
Smiles
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#65: August 19, 2020, 11:53:23 AM
Mrs.  So good to hear from you!  I could hear joy and laughter in your voice as I read your follow up to my post.

So good to see you are happy and doing well also!  We have all come so far!  Amazing isn't it! 

Coming up on 3 years and I feel great.  Don't always like the sitch but I feel great!

I have some amazing friends via this group!  I wouldn't trade them (including you) for the world!

Take care!   Sam
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

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#66: August 19, 2020, 12:15:37 PM
So this month I celebrated my 35th Wedding Anniversary and I did it my way!  Loved it!  Before I get to that....let's take a walk back in time....


Aug 2017:  H awoke before me on the day of our anniversary.  I found him sitting in the living room on his phone.  I figured he was playing games.  I was probably wrong about that.  I teased him and he was so serious.  Grumpy.  We had both overslept and I figured it had to do with that....nope....he was already thinking then of leaving me.  He was in his affair and at that time probably wanted to spend the day with OW and not me. 

Aug 2018:  Anniversary was not mentioned at all.  H was off living in another state after following OW out there the month before.  I had not heard from him except for one text confirming he was there and one call asking me to send him a PIN for his new debit card which he was having mailed to him at his address.  On Aug 9th, that all changed.  I rcvd a call from my daughter that her son wasn't breathing.  He had a seizure.  Settled down, then turned blue while she was holding him.  Her H rushed him outside away from her and started live-saving actions.  An ambulance was on its way.  No one knew what was happening....it was crazy.   I called H and told him what was going on.  He asked me to keep him up to date and he started bawling. 

We all rush to the hospital and after forever we were told that GS was gonna be ok.  Instead of calling H back, I texted.  His sister then called for the update and relayed it to him.

On August 10th (our anniversary), our granddaughter was born.  H was not around and did text a few times.  I didn't respond.  If he couldn't be there, I wasn't updating him.  My daughter told me to not tell him anything until she was ready and then she would fill him in.  I obeyed her wishes.

August 2019:  Granddaughter 1st Birthday.  There was a party.  H showed up but left early to go to work.  He couldn't stay the entire time because he didn't arrange to be off work for a special day.   It was odd.  I still remember how he hung close to me but didn't talk to me.  Where I say to eat, he sat across from me.  When I was up and moving, he was on my heels.  Such a strange thing for someone who had hardly talked to me except for the occasional pleasantries.

August 2020:  We had a small family dinner for G Daughter's birthday planned and H came to it.  He actually showed up early and helped me to go and get the food to bring home.  COVID has most restaurants shut down except take out.  So take out it was.  Not only did he help to pick it up, but he also helped to pay half the bill.  NICE!

He came back to the house and stayed for the rest of the afternoon with the family.  Swam with the kids.  Teased and played with them.  The only odd thing he did that day was rush in and turn on the TV to watch the news.  Odd because he had not done that in so long.  He even boasts about hardly watching TV and especially not the news.  This day....he did.  He talked to me and we kept it all too safe subjects.  No mention of the anniversary from him.  I didn't say anything either.  When he was leaving I did tell him that I was glad he was coming around and being involved with the family.  He got tight throated...said Me Too and left.

The only thing I have said repeatedly for the last month is that H does things that bring back memories of times soon after BD.  Strange things like he did back then....sitting and watching the news was just one of the examples.  There are many more but they elude me at this time.  Sometimes I just get a feeling of de Ja Vu and that feeling is I was here before and it was after BD.

Luckily for me...it is just a memory.  It is not evoking any of the emotions from after BD...but just a feeling like been here...seen this before.  Strange for me to feel it.

Overall, H is still being "friendly".  Calls to talk now and then and usually only about pickleball or the family.  Always safe topics and I let him carry the convo.  Other times it is a few texts and some days nothing at all.

Me....I am doing me and doing it well.  I have ventured out to other places to play PB.  Love meeting new people and playing different competition.

I am spending time with family during COVID.  I am spending more time at home yet I can't seem to manage to get all the work done because I end up getting into something fun today.  Tried to grow some flowers this year.  Not good!  A green thumb is something I don't have!  The only thing I managed to grow this year was a ton of weeds!

I still love H and I still hope he pulls through all of this...no matter what he does, I have developed a new life....new hobbies....new outlook and I love ME and I love my life!  All is good when you are not in La La Land!

Hope you are all well and staying safe from COVID!  Sam
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

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#67: August 29, 2020, 11:35:12 AM
Sam -
Nice to catch up with you.
I'm so sorry about ow2 - seems to be a common thread amongst my friends.
You seem to be doing so well, and understanding that it's because he's not done, and still going through the process.... the seemingly never-ending process.
I miss our chats...  A friend asked about you yesterday (20th Century Girl).
Keep up your strong work, and have fun with your pb competitions.

Love and hugs,
Sea
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#68: August 30, 2020, 02:57:39 PM
Catching up Sam.  Sorry to hear about OW2 but you seem in a good place emotionally.  Kudos!
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M-42
H-44
S-20 (mine)
D-18 (ours)
S-15 (ours)
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17 (told me 4 days before)
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
New GF 2/29/20 (Told me 4/22/20)
Married her 4/24/20 (Told me 4/22/20)

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11618.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

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#69: September 09, 2020, 12:13:42 PM
Hey Sea!  How are you doing?  Are you settled in after the move?  Call me sometime.  Best to text first as I have been playing PB 5 nights a week and loving every minute of it. 

Tell 20th I said Hello!  Hope all is well with her.  I have lost track of so many since I spend less and less time here.  I think about people a lot.  I just don't have the time to read up on things.  Guess that is what winter is for.  For now....I am outside as much as I possibly can be!  Days are getting shorter and shorter sadly!

When it comes to H...just sort of meh.  It is what it is.  He is gonna do what he is gonna do and I am gonna do what I am going to do for me!  I can't complain about my life.  I am happy!  Hope you are too!  Get in touch sometime!  Take care!  Sam
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

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  • Posts: 1676
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  • https://affaircare.com/the-180
Changed. Change. Changing!
#70: September 09, 2020, 12:15:00 PM
Hello Faith!  Yours is one of the stories I have managed to stay up on.  Hope you are doing well.  You certainly sound like you are.  Keep enjoying life!  Do YOU!

Take care and stay safe!   Sam
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

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Changed. Change. Changing!
#71: September 09, 2020, 01:16:15 PM
So another month is gone.  Wow.  Flew by.  Here is my September comparison.

Sept 2017 - H seemed mostly normal. Looking back, he was very busy and always riding his motorcycle.  Now I know why.  Hindsite is always 20/20.  A few times this month he was "grouchy" but blamed it on health issues.  I was not wise to anything.  We even scheduled a special date day.  I took off work.  We went  and did some special things that day.  All seemed normal.  Little did I know.

Sept 2018 - H had been gone for almost 2 mos.  We celebrate GS BDay on 9.5 and on 9.6 H is suddenly at his parents.  Couldn't come back in time for GS 1st b day party....but he was back.  I still recall when I saw his vehicle.  I was so mad that he came back for a visit and didn't bother to tell D.  I get why he couldn't or wouldn't tell me he was in town...but come on....visit D and GS while you are here.  A few hours later I realized he moved back....he belongings were all sitting on the in laws carport.  All the boxes he took....the motorcycle and the MOWER he was going to make money with.  MIL and SIL knew he was coming back.  A few friends also...but he snuck back as quietly as he left.  I was still invisible.  It was some time before he and I spoke.  I still let him do him.

This was the year I ran my first and last 5K.  I was told after the fact that H was spotted around town on his cycle several times on the route.  It was my first and I was extatic on not only finishing but doing so in a respectable time.  It was my last because I boogered my knee and running was done for unless I could stay to trails which are much softer for my old joints!

Sept 2019 - Honestly, I can't remember anything memorable about last year.  He came for a picnic and stayed longer than normal.  Oh...I know...he went to GS 2nd B Day Party.  He smiled and seemed near normal.  I actually have some pics of him with GS and it was a real smile.  It was awesome to see.  He didn't stay long but he hung out for awhile then left for work.

Sept 2020 - He is definately more in touch.  He visits more often and stays around more when the family is around.  Our communication revolves around PB.  He still wants to partner up.  He is working harder at getting better.  He ball hogged the other day and apologized for it and admitted it was wrong and we needed to talk more on the court.  He smiles and is happier when playing PB.  He came for Labor Day and he joins us for family meals when he is available.

Recently there was an issue with my parents and concern about a contractor.  He actually spoke to my Dad and helped with making a decision.  That was nice. 

He still talks about selling MC.  I found out that he was going to sell last year and SIL talked him out of it.  I do love that woman, but she really is an enabler.  Found out that she told him he would regret while at the same time she said she would miss rides too because her H used to take her for rides and now her bro does.  So....what was her real motive last year.  This year she admits he hardly rides and it is best to sell.  She also said she may buy her own so she can ride.  I support that! 

SIL also complained to me about how "tight" it is with H living there when she has company.  Told her that I have a guest room.  He can use it.  He volunteers to house and dog sit anytime I need/want to get away.  Afterwards, he gets really odd for a few days. 

OW 1 still lurking.  He was spotted with her at a local pizza shop.  SIS started to talk to him, OW1, glared at SIS and H started to walk away from OW1 and act like they were not together.  LOL.  Can't imagine that ride home.  OW 2 is still there too.  No recent visits but that could change anytime. 

ME - I am well.  Not a lot to say about me because I am just thriving and loving life.  What else is there to say.  I am pretty boring but I love my life.  This summer I spend time in the pool when I could.  Played PB as much as I could.  Made lots of new friends playing PB.  Heading up a new PB Club.  Traveling to other areas to play different competition and meet new people.  Hanging with family.  Spending time with Grandkids (and preparing to welcome the next one in Feb).

Recently I visited Kitty and we spent the weekend together.  Others were originally to join us but COVID put the kabashes to that.  So it was just us.

I read.  I am attending Sunday school and church online.  I work.  That is my least favorite part.  Work has a way of cutting into fun...but I need the money to have the fun.  All is good and I am happy!

I still hope H extracts his head from the nether region soon...but I am not gonna rush it.  Using this time for me.  In a way I am very free right now.  No need to cook or clean or be responsible to anyone or anything I don't want to take on.  I am enjoying it for now. 

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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

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Changed. Change. Changing!
#72: September 13, 2020, 10:09:37 AM
Great update Sam!

I like reading your comparisons.  Very interesting and makes me curious what mine might look like.
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M-42
H-44
S-20 (mine)
D-18 (ours)
S-15 (ours)
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17 (told me 4 days before)
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
New GF 2/29/20 (Told me 4/22/20)
Married her 4/24/20 (Told me 4/22/20)

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11618.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

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#73: September 20, 2020, 01:40:55 PM
Caught up! Good to be up to date with your story.

You sound good Sam but isn’t this so sad. Anyway good to read your comparisons and hope he can get his act together soon but who knows. I am one year ahead of you and I feel
like we are fairly similar. It’s nice to be getting through it.

Glad things are not quite like they were
Rose 🌹
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Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

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#74: October 08, 2020, 12:34:28 PM
Faith - Going back in time is the only way I know there is change.  There is such slow movement that day to day nothing seems to change but year to year.  Wow.  Especially with how I feel from year to year.  Guess that is something I should concentrate more on.  Now only how he changed but how did I. 
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

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#75: October 08, 2020, 12:36:38 PM
Rose:  As always....you sound good!  I see such strength in you!  As for H....I am meh....it will happen when it happens.  For now...I am good.

I do have a life I love and he needs to Poop or get off the Pot.  I think his head being up in the nether region is blocking his flow....so on the Pot he sits and off to live I go.

Stay healthy and hope COVID is lessening in your neck of the world!   Sam
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

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Changed. Change. Changing!
#76: October 08, 2020, 12:55:05 PM
Changes....lets start with me.

2020 - I am well despite the world crisis.  I am lucky to have a stable business.  I had to work harder while employees were working from home covering two offices and running back and forth.  They are back and we are all working from the offices but keeping our doors locked and doing as much via technology options as we can.

I am still living at our home and taking care of it mostly on my own.  It's a chore but I promised myself when I left that I would take care of things and not let them fall apart.  So my pride keeps me going even when I would rather play than do chores.

I have many friends that I keep up with on a regular basis.  Less going out and hanging with them due to covid, but we still manage things here and there.

I feel so strong and I have made so many good changes over the years.  I love me.  I love everything about me.  I love the choices I am making for me.  Is there still a hole from where H used to be part of my life....sure is....but it is no longer a painful hole.  An ache at the most.  Something I can live with yet something I hope will one day be remedied.

I still get occasional triggers....but now when I get them...they don't cause anxiety.  Instead I look at them and say....Aha!  That is something I need to handle and guess what....I face it and I deal with it. Then I am able to let it go.  The past pops up now and then but it doesn't haunt me....it helps heal me!

For now, I see how messed up H is and I really do prefer to not have him dragging me into his mire.

2019:  Me last year.  Still had more pain than ache.  Still wished for H to get his act together.  I was doing things but but from what I recall there was more of a nagging...I wish H was part of this type of nagging.  The wishing he was still part of my life kind of thing.  This year....now it is more....Sucks to be him...look at what he is missing.

2018:  Coming up on first BD.  I was ok.  H had been back in town for a bit over a month but I was invisible.  He stopped by the house at times but never told me.  I knew because things were moved.  I was still in a much better place than the year beforehand but no where near as well off as I am now.

2017:  Year of BD....I was a sobbing hot mess.  What can I say.....the weeks leading up to BD...H was a biddy.  Snippy and grouchy and not the nicest.  I wrote it all off because he complained of being tired and his pain from an ailment.  Liar Liar pants on fire.  Oh boy...if I only didn't have the blinders on then.

So that is my review of the past me vs the current me.  I hate all that I have been through, yet when I look at where I am....it has been a worthwhile journey.  I can't see how I would have ever gotten here with the launching of MLC.  I wish it could have been different....sadly I didn't know better and neither did H so we ended up in this big hot mess but right now I am the one coming out on top
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

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Changed. Change. Changing!
#77: October 08, 2020, 01:14:17 PM
Changes for H over the years:

Oct 2017:  H was a grumpy SOB this month.  We went on vacation and he was happy with the fam....but he was rude and sarcastic to me most of the time.  It didn't get better once we got home.  He blamed being grumpy on physical ailments.  I remember him being more rejecting of me.  Less physical.  More rude.  I had blinders on and never suspected.  I believed and trusted him. 

BD was 10.29.2017.....A Day in History but it is no longer a day I rue.  Although it stinks and I was devasted at the time, I somehow managed to use it to my advantage and using it to make me better.  I could gripe all day long about the unfairness but that does me no good.  H chose to be a tunnel rat and off to another world he went and still lives in Never Never Land.  My feet....still firmly planted!

October 2018:  H has been home now since sneaking back in Sept.  He comes and goes from the house when I am not around.  Not doing chores....not messing with things.  I know he was in and out of the safe several times.  More guns keep appearing but none disappear.  Other than the one time he came by to help close the pool and help SIL trim trees...I was invisible.  Pretty much no communication.  He was living in his parents house with them. 

I remember driving by on my way home from work one day and he turned his back and gave me a half hearted waive.  That just showed me how things really were.  Couldn't even face me from a distance and waive. 

October of 2019:  Quiet honestly, I don't remember a lot about him from last year.  He was coming around a bit more.  There was more communication than the year before but nothing to really write home about.  He would pop his head up and chant and then disappear for days and days and days.  Long periods of time with little to no communication.  I do recall he came around on the day of BD anniversary #2.  I took the day off to do things for me.  I got a massage and I was painting the outside trim of the house.  He was off.  Drove by....stopped in to chat then picked up a paint brush and stayed several hours helping me finish the trim.  I remember some convos where his mind seemed to be racing.  Changing subjects to something before barely finishing the prior story.  He had my head swirling. 

October of 2020:  Thus far, H is still communicating with me.  Much more regular than years prior.  Now he reaches out for a few days then takes off a day or two.  It is not as good as it was in August....I sometimes feel like he is distancing again.  There are times when his actions feel like deja vu....back to just after BD.  I have learned to asking little to nothing.  Smile, nod and let him do and say what he is going to do and say.

PB is a big reason that he reaches out to me.  I get videos on things he is watching and he shares them with me.  Some are really helpful.  Some I could care less about.  PB is the one area he feels safe talking to me about.

I notice he is going back to texting more and more.  A few months past, he would pick up the phone...now it is back to texting.  That is ok with me.  I respond just as he does when he reaches out.

Big happening this month:  OW1 who has never really never been out of the picture is suddenly posting pictures of her  and H on FB.  Amazing how there was nothing for 3 years and now there is suddenly pics popping up.  Does H know...don't know....he has FB shut off.  I can only hope that she is feeling a strain in their relationship.  Between H being more in contact with me, OW 2 lurking and OW1 getting less and less attention....I hope she is getting desparate.

BTW H didn't go and visiting OW 2 in Sept as he planned.  Will have to see what October brings but no trips planned that I am aware of right now.  Time will tell!

So things are still changing with H.  For the better....too early to tell.  I just gotta focus on me as I have been doing and still take things day by day and wait and see what the future brings!
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

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#78: October 29, 2020, 10:19:46 AM
Special Edition Journaling Today:

Today is my Bombaversary.  Three Years!  Wowsa!

How do I feel?   Honestly...I feel great.  I knew today was creeping up.  Last year I scheduled to take today off.  Do something special for me.  This has been what I do for since Bombaversary #1.

#1:  I kept busy all day long.  Made sure I had no downtime to drown in my own sorrows.

I had a morning massage followed by lunch with Sis.  We had a great afternoon together.  Then I headed to D's house and had supper with her and fam and stayed until time for Gr Kids to go to bed.  Then home.  It was overall a good day.  I believe there may have been a few moments where I wanted to cry.  Can't remember if I did or didn't.  I just know it was not a wasted day for me.

#2:  I started the day out with a massage again.  Supper was planned with a friend.  In between, I planned to do some work at the house.  I was outside painting trim when H stopped by.  He actually helped me paint for a few hours.  I remember him being really nervous when he got there.  Relaxed when he left.  We didn't talk much.  I never brought up the day.  A very short time later he told my sister he knew he left 2 years ago but he was messed up and had to take care of himself and that he loved me but.....

#3:  I planned on taking the day off.  Due to Covid, nothing is open so why bother.  I canceled my day off and took half a day instead.  I picked up GS from school to help out D and give me a few mins with him.  Tonight I'll go play some PB but this afternoon I am working and saving my time for another day.

So today is just another day.  Over the last few years, the significance of today has been lost.  I still know it was BD day.  I still remember that pain that day and the turmoil that followed.  However, I also recognize that I am now a much better person and I continue to become a better person all the time. 

I miss H.  Not the H I see now.  I miss the man I fell in love with in 1984!  However, I also see the regrowth of the person I had slowly killed off over the years.  I quit on me.  Never quit on my family or my marriage....I quit on me.  I see that now.  I devalued myself and overvalued everyone else.  I wasn't well balanced.

Now...I have that balance.  I really do love the person I have become!  I hate what has happened....but I am loving the results.

I hope if anyone new into your journey is readying or anyone who is stagnant in your journey is reading this....do your self a favor....forget about MLC.  Forget about H...concentrate on you.  Do you for you!  Make yourself happy.  Value yourself and realize how important you are to others and you don't need to prove it all the time.  Most of all.....find yourself.  Find the person you were always destined to be and make that the best person you know.

I beg you to get over the sorrow.  Let the bitterness go.  Learn what is important to you.  Show your strength and grow.  With the right attitude....you can use this as a launching bad to be better than ok.

Lastly......time really is your friend.  Three years ago I could never have imagined being where I am today.  I am happy.  I am growing.  I am accepting it.  I am not only living life to the fullest but thriving while I do it!  You can do.  It is all in your mindset.  I got here ONE day at a time over time.  You can to.  Everyone can if you look for the positives.  Learn and grown and become the best person you can be. 

I wish everyone out there well and hope you stay safe during these troublesome times!  -Sam-
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#79: October 29, 2020, 12:28:57 PM
Hi Sam

Your BD is around mine and I just read your update and nodded along, specially this part.
Quote
I hope if anyone new into your journey is readying or anyone who is stagnant in your journey is reading this....do your self a favor....forget about MLC.  Forget about H...concentrate on you.  Do you for you!  Make yourself happy.  Value yourself and realize how important you are to others and you don't need to prove it all the time.  Most of all.....find yourself.  Find the person you were always destined to be and make that the best person you know.

Some days I read threads of people who are starting their journey and I see the usual comments/questions I often had "I'm not sure I'm handling this right when I said X or Y" "How do I show I'm slipping away?" "How do I pave the way?" Reading everything that was to be read about MLC like I was going to learn so "trick" that could make things better.. It really doesn't matter, does it? There is no magic trick.. Looking after ourselves and focus on what we can and cannot control/influence is key.. Our MLCers are not in any of those categories..

It takes a long time to accept that and while I sometimes find myself feeling shocked still (3 years in!) I'm very glad to realize I left behind the raw pain, the anxiety and the belief that there was anything I could do to fix the unfixable. Nobody in their right mind would choose what we all went through here but it is up to us to make the most of this new "unwanted" life we have.

Very happy to see how well you are doing! Stay safe
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H - 43 (40 @BD1)
M - 43 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H and OW are together, presume PA  - 3rd June 2019
H gets engaged with OW (we are not divorced) - Oct 2019
H "finally" asks for divorce - Aug 2020

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#80: October 30, 2020, 04:23:44 AM
Some days I read threads of people who are starting their journey and I see the usual comments/questions I often had "I'm not sure I'm handling this right when I said X or Y" "How do I show I'm slipping away?" "How do I pave the way?" Reading everything that was to be read about MLC like I was going to learn so "trick" that could make things better.. It really doesn't matter, does it? There is no magic trick.. Looking after ourselves and focus on what we can and cannot control/influence is key.. Our MLCers are not in any of those categories..

This should be taped on the mirror of EVERY LBS ......
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Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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  • Posts: 2570
  • Gender: Female
Changed. Change. Changing!
#81: November 06, 2020, 10:02:50 PM
Such good advice Sam
  • Logged
M-42
H-44
S-20 (mine)
D-18 (ours)
S-15 (ours)
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17 (told me 4 days before)
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
New GF 2/29/20 (Told me 4/22/20)
Married her 4/24/20 (Told me 4/22/20)

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11618.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

 

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