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Author Topic: My Story Changed. Change. Changing!

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My Story Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#10: February 11, 2020, 12:49:32 PM
Rose.....Dear Rose.....So wonderful to hear from you!

I have updated myself with your posts....You sound so good despite things in MLC land!

You are such a strong woman and my heart breaks for you, yet I know you will come out of this smelling like a Rose!

Take care of yourself dear lady!
  • Logged
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#11: February 11, 2020, 12:50:41 PM
UM:  Welcome and thanks for attaching!  Looking forward to your videos are they are appropriate!
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

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  • Posts: 1681
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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#12: February 11, 2020, 12:56:52 PM
Acorn:  Always glad to have you along on this crazy journey!

Quote
Perfect.  You don’t read anything into the changes.  And you rely your hindsight to judge his changes over a long period of time.

You are so right about this.  It could be easy to say he is changing....this is the end.  I would only be deluding myself.  I have read enough stories on here to know that they can appear one way but they are actually so different.  Then they jump back down that rabbit hole again.


So....let him jump if that is what he wants to do.  I am not Alice....I am not going down there with him.


Yes....hindsite is much clearer as to what and how they are changing....if at all.
  • Logged
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

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  • Posts: 1681
  • Gender: Female
  • https://affaircare.com/the-180
Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#13: February 11, 2020, 01:00:03 PM
Thunder....yes...moving...changing...still in MLC Fantasy Land!   LOL!

Glad to have your input on things as they do change!


Quote
Oh way or the other you are going to be ok.

Thank you for the vote of confidence.  Not to sound conceited, but I agree with you.  NO matter what....I will be ok.  Better than OK!   I am me and doing me!

  • Logged
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

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  • Posts: 1681
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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#14: February 11, 2020, 01:02:58 PM
Hey Milly....hope all is well with you!

Quote
You sound very good.

I am in a good place.  Wasn't easy getting here but it is worth it.

I said it before and I'll always say it.  I hate MLC.  However, once I extracted my head from the nether regions of my anatomy, I discovered that there are blessings to this crisis.

My biggest blessing is finding me again and making me a much better person no matter what.  I got this.  We all do!  It is just up to us to find our own way for ourselves!
  • Logged
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

  • *****
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  • Posts: 1681
  • Gender: Female
  • https://affaircare.com/the-180
Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#15: February 11, 2020, 01:06:48 PM
Hey Sea....my dear and loyal friend!

Quote
Keep up the great work, and patience, patience, patience.

You know that patience is not my virtue.  It is amazing how much patience you learn when dealing with MLC as and LBS.

Sometimes I wonder if it is patience I have learned or acceptance that so many things are out of my control so why bother getting upset or dealing with certain things.

Maybe a little of both!

Either way...so glad you have attached yourself!

As for your H.....those with cement feet will only sink deeper...so let him sink.  You are not his life line!   He will get loose of his shackle when and only when he is ready!  Just take care of you!
  • Logged
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#16: February 11, 2020, 01:22:50 PM
Quote
NO matter what....I will be ok.  Better than OK!   
.

I like this a lot!. Especially because it is the truth..finally. We start out as devastated and lost , walk thru horrible pain and shock but at some point we come to realize that we are going to be just fine. No matter what, we will be ok. No matter what another person does or does not do...WE will be absolutely continuing with our own journey and will be just fine. I believe it is about trusting ourselves ..not so much other people. When I arrived at this "knowing" it was incredibly freeing and gave back some power and control of my own life. It really was like a fireworks moment! .  Sometimes I need to remind myself of this fact but I know without question that I am going to be OK no matter what he does . How good is that ? Great changes and positives attitudes in this thread Sam!
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Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#17: February 11, 2020, 01:37:21 PM
Change....With Valentines coming up...here is a comparison of the last two years!

Feb 2018:  H was madly in love.  He was living with OW.  They were secretly preparing to leave and move out of State.  I pretty much didn't exist.  He came to visit me after Valentines...only because I was going on vacation and he wanted me to take something to son.  He was asked to go and visit son too.  He refused because he had different plans.   Later I found out that shortly after Valentine's he decided he couldn't move.  About a week before the exodus, he dropped the bomb to her.  She was upset yet convinced him to drive her out and drop her off.  He complied.  Then he returned with his belongings and started living with a friend.

Feb 2019:  H was on vacation with sister during Valentine's week.  Prior to this, I would get a call every 3 to 4 weeks and maybe a text or two in between.  He was quiet and I was living my life.  He had moved away from OW's and in with his sister just a few weeks before this but OW was still a strong force in his life.  He just couldn't live with her....again!   I don't remember the exact date, but around Valentine's, H called me out of the blue and talked to me for 45 mins.  I was floored.  H put me on speaker phone and his sis was in the background participating but wow.....that was the most we talked since he had left in July of 2018.

Looking back, this appears to be a turning point of communication.  Gradually....slowly....over the last year, H has communicated more and more over time. 

Feb 2020:  H is still in replay.  I see things in him that clearly point to this no matter how much things have changed.

For example: 

1.  H was invited on a family outing but couldn't take off time (1 day) to go with the family yet he took a day off to go out of town with a "friend" for hunting.  Another time he swapped days off so he could go to a party and a gun show.

2.  Recently I was sick and he knew it.  An employee got hurt and when another one was ill, he asked several times how they were doing.  Me...chopped liver.  LOL  It's all good!

3.  I was baby sitting and took the grand babies to watch some pickleball.  He turned into a showoff when the grandkids came in.  Wanted attention.  Most people didn't realize they were his grandkids too.  He didn't spend time with them. 

4.  I feel like I am living in groundhole day the movie.   He keeps bringing up the same convos again and again.  Should I sell my care or keep it?  Should I get a different job or stay put?  Should I go this or that?   I can almost count on these convos happening at least once a month.  Same convo.  Same outcome.  He talks...does nothing.  Still has same car, same motor cycle and same job.


So what has changed?

He talks about leaving job and at one time he did.  Now he knows he can't leave unless he finds something that pays near as well.

He talks about selling car but realizes it will be a mistake as there is nothing wrong with it.  He just wants newer and prettier (something for temporary happiness????)

He is wisely spending money.  Wants to spend money on a gun but instead is saving up for tires.


There are times when I feel like he is testing to get a reaction from me.

Last night at the gym, he was off alone and I left him there.  Soon after he came and sat down beside me on the bleachers.  There were other places to park his butt but he parked it beside me.  Then he pulled out his phone and was searching for bikes.  I watched him.  I noticed a nice looking one and said...that is pretty.  That was the opening he needed.  He then started showing me all the ones he liked and didn't like.   Good thing is that it led to a convo.  Bad thing...I didn't keep my mouth shut and just let him keep swiping up.  I gave him the opening.  Ugh!

Back to topic:

Feb 2020:  H is communicating via phone about every 3 to 4 days now vs 3 to 4 weeks.  Snaps/texts are about every other day.  He manages to find time to have person to person interactions about 1 to 2 times a week.   He has freed up his calendar so that he can go to the gym and play PB nearly every Mon and Tues when I am there and occassionally on Saturday mornings too.   Things he was unable to do this time last year because he had other activities on his calendar that didn't include me.

When he does reach out/visit, it is always because there is a reason.  Pickleball is a big topic.  Then it launches into something else.  Funny man.  Just can't call and say hey...I am bored...want to talk?  Nope.  He has an obvious reason.

He smiles more still.  Yet there is still the underlying heaviness to him.  He smiles but doesn't let go and really enjoy and laugh.

At PB, he has sought out another couple....he keeps challenging them to play us.  Meaning H and I as partners.  Told him last night....find yourself three guys and go play....nope...He asked the PB couple to play us instead. 

Can't read into this other than he likes to have me as PB partner....for right now.  Who knows what will happen in the future.

For now....I just have to enjoy for what it is and hope he gets better at PB!
  • Logged
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

3
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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#18: February 11, 2020, 09:30:41 PM
Nice progress, slow but steady, hard to know at this point if this is a long t&g or potential reconnecting - either way congratulations, it sounds much nicer than angry tension!!
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BD End of April 2017
Moved out - kind of, May 2017
Denied affair
Cycled hard April - Oct 2017, my son figured out affair, I confronted husband, we were going away as a family for the weekend - H monsters hard and files for a D end of Oct, 2017
D final Sept 2018
Many touch and goes
He lives in monster, kids haven’t been with him overnight since Jan 2019
Moved in with MOW, a former friend of mine, May 2019

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#19: February 12, 2020, 08:07:38 AM
Hey Barbie...welcome to my journey!

I appreciate your comments.  I can't agree more with so much of what you said.


Quote
I believe it is about trusting ourselves ..not so much other people.

This really hit home with me.  I have said so many times that I don't always trust myself.  I say this because my intuition let me down before BD.  I never saw it coming.  I never believed my H would do what he did.  We had talked about things like this when it happened to other people.  We never wanted to be those people.  We prepared ourselves.  We committed to walking away and going stag for six months to year before ever getting involved with someone else.  We were never going to be the talk of the town.  Um...yeah!  At BD, I asked him about the agreement.  Big deer in the headlights look.  He never remembered the agreement or the multiple times we had talked about it. 

That was the very moment I knew something was wrong with him.  I just didn't know what.  I got scared that due to the recent memory issues that started about six months prior (aka - when the affair started) that he had a brain tumor.  I was afraid for him at the time.  Little did I know.....but I learned!

I also learned that before I can trust anyone....I need to trust me again.  I need to know my intuition didn't fail me.  I was lied to and deceived big time.  I did question a few things, but I trusted H with all that I was and when he said he was hanging with a friend.  I believed him.  It just wasn't the friend he claimed to be with.  The names were changed to protect the NON-Innocents!  LOL!


Quote
When I arrived at this "knowing" it was incredibly freeing and gave back some power and control of my own life. It really was like a fireworks moment!


Yes! Yes! Yes!  I always said it was EMPOWERMENT!  I became empowered.  I grew and became and I am still becoming!  I am still changing and growing and doing it all for the better!  I won't stop.  I don't want to.  I will never ever give this up to anyone ever again.  I like having control of my life.  I also LOVE giving up control of things I can't control.  That is freedom to me!

This "thing" that I am doing for me is making me a much better person.  The best part.....those around me are benefiting from my being better.  I am a better mom.  A better gram.  A better boss.  A better daughter.  A better sister, aunt, cousin, friend.  Eventually, I will be a better wife too.  However no matter what.....I will always stay true to SAM!

Quote
Sometimes I need to remind myself of this fact but I know without question that I am going to be OK no matter what he does

You will be BETTER than just OK!  Please don't ever forget that.  Please don't.   Remember...the better you are...the better the person you are for everyone else.   You are important to so many people.  Just look at all the giving back you do on this site.  You are a leader.  You are a friend.  You are a confidant.  You are a blessing!  You are so much more to so many people. 

A big thanks to you, the moderators and the mentors here for helping all of us! 

  • Logged
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

 

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