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Author Topic: My Story Changed. Change. Changing!

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My Story Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#20: February 12, 2020, 08:16:17 AM
Hey 3 Boys.....welcome to the Class of 2017.   There are quite a few of us here yet.  Yuck!

As for reconnecting.  No!  This is not reconnecting at all.  He is a clinging cycling MLCer for now.  These are touch and goes.  Although he makes progress....he is still so deep in replay....just the more laid back replay.  He is not running away so much as lolly gagging now.  Dragging his feet.  Refusing to take the final plunge into the dark abyss that NEEDS to suck him down so he can finish this all out.  I wish I could tell him to go.  Dive in head first and deal with it because  things will be so much better once you do it and crawl out again.  Alas, I can't.

It is still all about him.  He just now tried to keep me in the cycle and I don't bite...most of the time.  Now and then I slip up but it is no longer devastating when I do.  I kick myself in the butt.  Tell myself I know better.  Forgive myself.  Learn a lesson and go back to life as I like it for me.

I read your time line and some of your posts.  Things have been quite crazy for you too the last few years.   I also see a strong woman in you.  Kudos to you!  You are gonna kick MLC butt and be ok too.  No matter what!
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

A
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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#21: February 12, 2020, 08:32:47 AM
Although he makes progress....he is still so deep in replay....just the more laid back replay.

I think you are describing what I would call ‘comfortably settled in replay’ if any of my observations of my H and the descriptions of MLCers on many threads are worth anything.  They seem to go bonkers at the beginning and then ‘settle down’ to sustainable replay.  I dare say that is where they can potentially stay for years and years because it’s so darn doable. 

As for his interactions with you, from my cheap seat, it looks like he is unconsciously jerking the chain to see if the anchor to mommy is still holding.  It’s wise of you not to read anything into it.  My suggestion is, for what it’s worth, vanish the expressions, such as T&G or Reconnecting, from your MLC dictionary and put away any expectations naturally attached to them, as I am yet to witness where this way of thinking helped anyone.  Just keep on living and enjoying your life which you are doing so marvellously.  You are mind kinda girl, Sam!

((((HUGS)))))
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« Last Edit: February 12, 2020, 08:34:07 AM by Acorn »
My first thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8164.150

My reconnecting thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10524.msg699615#msg699615

Live-in MLCer

Feb 2015: BD. 
Oct 2015: ILYBINILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#22: February 19, 2020, 01:12:13 PM
Hi Acorn!  Thank you so very much for your input!

Quote
sustainable replay

Yes this makes sense and seems to describe him at this time.  Or at least as of last week.  LOL

H took a jump off the deep end again this weekend.  Will see how long it takes for him to surface again.

Quote
As for his interactions with you, from my cheap seat, it looks like he is unconsciously jerking the chain to see if the anchor to mommy is still holding.

I read this last week but took some time to analyze myself and think about this.   The nice thing about those "cheap seats" is that you can get a broad view of everything that is happening from a distance.  You can see it all! 

Anyhow, after thinking about this....I have to agree that you are right.  He comes he goes.  No real routine to it.  Just willy nilly.  When I don't pursue...he finds a reason to reach out.

I try to respond in kind.  Lately the few times I have had to call him, he answered right away.  Before, it went to voicemail.  Texts are sometimes immediate and sometimes awhile later.  Just depends on what he is doing.  So as long as he responds in a timely and realistic manner....I will do.  When he doesn't.  I don't.

Quote
My suggestion is, for what it’s worth, vanish the expressions, such as T&G or Reconnecting, from your MLC dictionary and put away any expectations naturally attached to them, as I am yet to witness where this way of thinking helped anyone.

Good advise.  In hindsight I was using T and G because it seemed like a good description of his activites.  He comes...hangs out.  Leave!  No expectations of when he will return or how long he will stay away in between visits.  Sometimes it is a day or two.  Sometimes it is 4,5 or 6 days.  I can see there is no substance to his visits.  He has to find excuses to stop by.  During the holidays it was easy because there was plenty of family events.  Now...not so many!  During the nice weather, it will be yard work.  Not now!  Sadly I don't have a lot of need for him right now.

To get that verbage out of my system....I guess I can just call them "visits".  Plain and simple and it brings no hint of expectation for me or anyone who may be reading. 

Lastly,  I am living my life.  I mean really living it to the best of my ability.  I have my love of Pickleball which now keeps me busy 3 to 4 days a week.  Time with the grandkids.  Time at my office.  Lastly...just plain on ME time.  Time to just putz around the house and do the things that make life happy and simple for me.

Thanks again Acorn for you advise.  It was gladly received and taken under consideration after I pondered on it for awhile.

Sam!

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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

3
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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#23: February 19, 2020, 07:56:23 PM
Sam you sound really great, grounded, content. You situation going into a more pleasant routine doesn’t sound terrible - when you keep moving forward, he may look at you and want to keep up, or the view will be so beautiful ahead of you that you eagerly create new joyful experiences
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BD End of April 2017
Moved out - kind of, May 2017
Denied affair
Cycled hard April - Oct 2017, my son figured out affair, I confronted husband, we were going away as a family for the weekend - H monsters hard and files for a D end of Oct, 2017
D final Sept 2018
Many touch and goes
He lives in monster, kids haven’t been with him overnight since Jan 2019
Moved in with MOW, a former friend of mine, May 2019

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Changed. Change. Changing!
#24: March 01, 2020, 07:22:38 PM
Attaching

Sorry I haven't been around more! 
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M-42
H-44
S-20 (mine)
D-18 (ours)
S-15 (ours)
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17 (told me 4 days before)
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
New GF 2/29/20 (Told me 4/22/20)
Married her 4/24/20 (Told me 4/22/20)

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11618.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#25: March 02, 2020, 04:50:27 AM
Attaching Sam. You do sound great.
Acorn's thoughts about forgetting the MLC terminology resonate with me too (coming up to 4 years in my case). I got a bit lost in the terminology and over thought things. Still do sometimes.
Onwards and upwards, hey.
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Me: 51
H: 51
Adult S & D
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [worked away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#26: March 02, 2020, 05:08:33 AM
Sam:
Sounds much like mine: BD was also in late 2017 for me. Lots of what I will call sustainable replay right now after what I thought was reconnection last spring (yikes I was wrong). I’m trying to do like you and just live my life. Some days it’s easy, some days it’s tough. We also have a weird thing when he finds reasons to reach out. Last week I received a text early in the morning asking that I call him (my MIL has been very ill and I thought maybe she wasn’t doing well). Called him and he wanted to tell me some shenanigans his ex-wife was doing. That did not warrant an early morning (in my brain something bad has happened) text. Just an excuse to get in contact with me I think. Whew...crazy similar journeys.
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Changed. Change. Changing!
#27: March 05, 2020, 10:19:56 AM
3 Boys

Quote
when you keep moving forward, he may look at you and want to keep up, or the view will be so beautiful ahead of you that you eagerly create new joyful experiences

Thanks for your support and comments. 

I can only hope he wants to run to catch up to me....and at his age I hope he doesn't break something trying to do it!  LOL....Sorry...need some humor today.  Technology is a Debbie Downer right now!

In all seriousness, it is my hope that one day he will see what I can offer him in a relationship.  If not, then that is his choice and he will have to live with it.  I can't force him to want to try again.

As for me...I do have a beautiful future in front of me.  I know this for sure.  After this ordeal, I can't see where I would ever let things go in reverse ever again.  That is the good part of MLC.  I learned what is in my best interest without loosing sight of positives we can bring to others.
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

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Changed. Change. Changing!
#28: March 05, 2020, 10:21:28 AM
Faithwalker,

Please don't apologize.  You are living your life!  I applaud you and I am very happy for you!

Don't ever give up living for this forum or for anyone or anything else.

You and only you determine your priorities!  Keep on living for you!  I strongly support you in doing that!
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

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Changed. Change. Changing!
#29: March 05, 2020, 10:25:11 AM
Music,

Thanks for your comments.  Acorn had some great points.  I wholeheartedly agree.  There are parts of me that envy her ability to see things from the "cheap seats".

Hard to believe you have 4 years under your belt.  I am over two years.....and two years ago it seemed like this day would never come.  Looking back...I survived.  I thrived.  I am better now because I what I have endured.

I love this quote....
Quote
Onwards and upwards,
   

I don't have a reverse gear in me.  No more living in the past.  Only looking at today and the future that comes as it comes!
  • Logged
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

 

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