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Author Topic: My Story Changed. Change. Changing!

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My Story Changed. Change. Changing!
#70: September 09, 2020, 12:15:00 PM
Hello Faith!  Yours is one of the stories I have managed to stay up on.  Hope you are doing well.  You certainly sound like you are.  Keep enjoying life!  Do YOU!

Take care and stay safe!   Sam
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

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  • https://affaircare.com/the-180
Changed. Change. Changing!
#71: September 09, 2020, 01:16:15 PM
So another month is gone.  Wow.  Flew by.  Here is my September comparison.

Sept 2017 - H seemed mostly normal. Looking back, he was very busy and always riding his motorcycle.  Now I know why.  Hindsite is always 20/20.  A few times this month he was "grouchy" but blamed it on health issues.  I was not wise to anything.  We even scheduled a special date day.  I took off work.  We went  and did some special things that day.  All seemed normal.  Little did I know.

Sept 2018 - H had been gone for almost 2 mos.  We celebrate GS BDay on 9.5 and on 9.6 H is suddenly at his parents.  Couldn't come back in time for GS 1st b day party....but he was back.  I still recall when I saw his vehicle.  I was so mad that he came back for a visit and didn't bother to tell D.  I get why he couldn't or wouldn't tell me he was in town...but come on....visit D and GS while you are here.  A few hours later I realized he moved back....he belongings were all sitting on the in laws carport.  All the boxes he took....the motorcycle and the MOWER he was going to make money with.  MIL and SIL knew he was coming back.  A few friends also...but he snuck back as quietly as he left.  I was still invisible.  It was some time before he and I spoke.  I still let him do him.

This was the year I ran my first and last 5K.  I was told after the fact that H was spotted around town on his cycle several times on the route.  It was my first and I was extatic on not only finishing but doing so in a respectable time.  It was my last because I boogered my knee and running was done for unless I could stay to trails which are much softer for my old joints!

Sept 2019 - Honestly, I can't remember anything memorable about last year.  He came for a picnic and stayed longer than normal.  Oh...I know...he went to GS 2nd B Day Party.  He smiled and seemed near normal.  I actually have some pics of him with GS and it was a real smile.  It was awesome to see.  He didn't stay long but he hung out for awhile then left for work.

Sept 2020 - He is definately more in touch.  He visits more often and stays around more when the family is around.  Our communication revolves around PB.  He still wants to partner up.  He is working harder at getting better.  He ball hogged the other day and apologized for it and admitted it was wrong and we needed to talk more on the court.  He smiles and is happier when playing PB.  He came for Labor Day and he joins us for family meals when he is available.

Recently there was an issue with my parents and concern about a contractor.  He actually spoke to my Dad and helped with making a decision.  That was nice. 

He still talks about selling MC.  I found out that he was going to sell last year and SIL talked him out of it.  I do love that woman, but she really is an enabler.  Found out that she told him he would regret while at the same time she said she would miss rides too because her H used to take her for rides and now her bro does.  So....what was her real motive last year.  This year she admits he hardly rides and it is best to sell.  She also said she may buy her own so she can ride.  I support that! 

SIL also complained to me about how "tight" it is with H living there when she has company.  Told her that I have a guest room.  He can use it.  He volunteers to house and dog sit anytime I need/want to get away.  Afterwards, he gets really odd for a few days. 

OW 1 still lurking.  He was spotted with her at a local pizza shop.  SIS started to talk to him, OW1, glared at SIS and H started to walk away from OW1 and act like they were not together.  LOL.  Can't imagine that ride home.  OW 2 is still there too.  No recent visits but that could change anytime. 

ME - I am well.  Not a lot to say about me because I am just thriving and loving life.  What else is there to say.  I am pretty boring but I love my life.  This summer I spend time in the pool when I could.  Played PB as much as I could.  Made lots of new friends playing PB.  Heading up a new PB Club.  Traveling to other areas to play different competition and meet new people.  Hanging with family.  Spending time with Grandkids (and preparing to welcome the next one in Feb).

Recently I visited Kitty and we spent the weekend together.  Others were originally to join us but COVID put the kabashes to that.  So it was just us.

I read.  I am attending Sunday school and church online.  I work.  That is my least favorite part.  Work has a way of cutting into fun...but I need the money to have the fun.  All is good and I am happy!

I still hope H extracts his head from the nether region soon...but I am not gonna rush it.  Using this time for me.  In a way I am very free right now.  No need to cook or clean or be responsible to anyone or anything I don't want to take on.  I am enjoying it for now. 

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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

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Changed. Change. Changing!
#72: September 13, 2020, 10:09:37 AM
Great update Sam!

I like reading your comparisons.  Very interesting and makes me curious what mine might look like.
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M-42
H-44
S-20 (mine)
D-18 (ours)
S-15 (ours)
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17 (told me 4 days before)
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
New GF 2/29/20 (Told me 4/22/20)
Married her 4/24/20 (Told me 4/22/20)

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11618.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

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Changed. Change. Changing!
#73: September 20, 2020, 01:40:55 PM
Caught up! Good to be up to date with your story.

You sound good Sam but isn’t this so sad. Anyway good to read your comparisons and hope he can get his act together soon but who knows. I am one year ahead of you and I feel
like we are fairly similar. It’s nice to be getting through it.

Glad things are not quite like they were
Rose 🌹
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Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

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Changed. Change. Changing!
#74: October 08, 2020, 12:34:28 PM
Faith - Going back in time is the only way I know there is change.  There is such slow movement that day to day nothing seems to change but year to year.  Wow.  Especially with how I feel from year to year.  Guess that is something I should concentrate more on.  Now only how he changed but how did I. 
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

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  • Posts: 1676
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Changed. Change. Changing!
#75: October 08, 2020, 12:36:38 PM
Rose:  As always....you sound good!  I see such strength in you!  As for H....I am meh....it will happen when it happens.  For now...I am good.

I do have a life I love and he needs to Poop or get off the Pot.  I think his head being up in the nether region is blocking his flow....so on the Pot he sits and off to live I go.

Stay healthy and hope COVID is lessening in your neck of the world!   Sam
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

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  • Posts: 1676
  • Gender: Female
  • https://affaircare.com/the-180
Changed. Change. Changing!
#76: October 08, 2020, 12:55:05 PM
Changes....lets start with me.

2020 - I am well despite the world crisis.  I am lucky to have a stable business.  I had to work harder while employees were working from home covering two offices and running back and forth.  They are back and we are all working from the offices but keeping our doors locked and doing as much via technology options as we can.

I am still living at our home and taking care of it mostly on my own.  It's a chore but I promised myself when I left that I would take care of things and not let them fall apart.  So my pride keeps me going even when I would rather play than do chores.

I have many friends that I keep up with on a regular basis.  Less going out and hanging with them due to covid, but we still manage things here and there.

I feel so strong and I have made so many good changes over the years.  I love me.  I love everything about me.  I love the choices I am making for me.  Is there still a hole from where H used to be part of my life....sure is....but it is no longer a painful hole.  An ache at the most.  Something I can live with yet something I hope will one day be remedied.

I still get occasional triggers....but now when I get them...they don't cause anxiety.  Instead I look at them and say....Aha!  That is something I need to handle and guess what....I face it and I deal with it. Then I am able to let it go.  The past pops up now and then but it doesn't haunt me....it helps heal me!

For now, I see how messed up H is and I really do prefer to not have him dragging me into his mire.

2019:  Me last year.  Still had more pain than ache.  Still wished for H to get his act together.  I was doing things but but from what I recall there was more of a nagging...I wish H was part of this type of nagging.  The wishing he was still part of my life kind of thing.  This year....now it is more....Sucks to be him...look at what he is missing.

2018:  Coming up on first BD.  I was ok.  H had been back in town for a bit over a month but I was invisible.  He stopped by the house at times but never told me.  I knew because things were moved.  I was still in a much better place than the year beforehand but no where near as well off as I am now.

2017:  Year of BD....I was a sobbing hot mess.  What can I say.....the weeks leading up to BD...H was a biddy.  Snippy and grouchy and not the nicest.  I wrote it all off because he complained of being tired and his pain from an ailment.  Liar Liar pants on fire.  Oh boy...if I only didn't have the blinders on then.

So that is my review of the past me vs the current me.  I hate all that I have been through, yet when I look at where I am....it has been a worthwhile journey.  I can't see how I would have ever gotten here with the launching of MLC.  I wish it could have been different....sadly I didn't know better and neither did H so we ended up in this big hot mess but right now I am the one coming out on top
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

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  • Posts: 1676
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  • https://affaircare.com/the-180
Changed. Change. Changing!
#77: October 08, 2020, 01:14:17 PM
Changes for H over the years:

Oct 2017:  H was a grumpy SOB this month.  We went on vacation and he was happy with the fam....but he was rude and sarcastic to me most of the time.  It didn't get better once we got home.  He blamed being grumpy on physical ailments.  I remember him being more rejecting of me.  Less physical.  More rude.  I had blinders on and never suspected.  I believed and trusted him. 

BD was 10.29.2017.....A Day in History but it is no longer a day I rue.  Although it stinks and I was devasted at the time, I somehow managed to use it to my advantage and using it to make me better.  I could gripe all day long about the unfairness but that does me no good.  H chose to be a tunnel rat and off to another world he went and still lives in Never Never Land.  My feet....still firmly planted!

October 2018:  H has been home now since sneaking back in Sept.  He comes and goes from the house when I am not around.  Not doing chores....not messing with things.  I know he was in and out of the safe several times.  More guns keep appearing but none disappear.  Other than the one time he came by to help close the pool and help SIL trim trees...I was invisible.  Pretty much no communication.  He was living in his parents house with them. 

I remember driving by on my way home from work one day and he turned his back and gave me a half hearted waive.  That just showed me how things really were.  Couldn't even face me from a distance and waive. 

October of 2019:  Quiet honestly, I don't remember a lot about him from last year.  He was coming around a bit more.  There was more communication than the year before but nothing to really write home about.  He would pop his head up and chant and then disappear for days and days and days.  Long periods of time with little to no communication.  I do recall he came around on the day of BD anniversary #2.  I took the day off to do things for me.  I got a massage and I was painting the outside trim of the house.  He was off.  Drove by....stopped in to chat then picked up a paint brush and stayed several hours helping me finish the trim.  I remember some convos where his mind seemed to be racing.  Changing subjects to something before barely finishing the prior story.  He had my head swirling. 

October of 2020:  Thus far, H is still communicating with me.  Much more regular than years prior.  Now he reaches out for a few days then takes off a day or two.  It is not as good as it was in August....I sometimes feel like he is distancing again.  There are times when his actions feel like deja vu....back to just after BD.  I have learned to asking little to nothing.  Smile, nod and let him do and say what he is going to do and say.

PB is a big reason that he reaches out to me.  I get videos on things he is watching and he shares them with me.  Some are really helpful.  Some I could care less about.  PB is the one area he feels safe talking to me about.

I notice he is going back to texting more and more.  A few months past, he would pick up the phone...now it is back to texting.  That is ok with me.  I respond just as he does when he reaches out.

Big happening this month:  OW1 who has never really never been out of the picture is suddenly posting pictures of her  and H on FB.  Amazing how there was nothing for 3 years and now there is suddenly pics popping up.  Does H know...don't know....he has FB shut off.  I can only hope that she is feeling a strain in their relationship.  Between H being more in contact with me, OW 2 lurking and OW1 getting less and less attention....I hope she is getting desparate.

BTW H didn't go and visiting OW 2 in Sept as he planned.  Will have to see what October brings but no trips planned that I am aware of right now.  Time will tell!

So things are still changing with H.  For the better....too early to tell.  I just gotta focus on me as I have been doing and still take things day by day and wait and see what the future brings!
  • Logged
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

  • *****
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  • Posts: 1676
  • Gender: Female
  • https://affaircare.com/the-180
Changed. Change. Changing!
#78: October 29, 2020, 10:19:46 AM
Special Edition Journaling Today:

Today is my Bombaversary.  Three Years!  Wowsa!

How do I feel?   Honestly...I feel great.  I knew today was creeping up.  Last year I scheduled to take today off.  Do something special for me.  This has been what I do for since Bombaversary #1.

#1:  I kept busy all day long.  Made sure I had no downtime to drown in my own sorrows.

I had a morning massage followed by lunch with Sis.  We had a great afternoon together.  Then I headed to D's house and had supper with her and fam and stayed until time for Gr Kids to go to bed.  Then home.  It was overall a good day.  I believe there may have been a few moments where I wanted to cry.  Can't remember if I did or didn't.  I just know it was not a wasted day for me.

#2:  I started the day out with a massage again.  Supper was planned with a friend.  In between, I planned to do some work at the house.  I was outside painting trim when H stopped by.  He actually helped me paint for a few hours.  I remember him being really nervous when he got there.  Relaxed when he left.  We didn't talk much.  I never brought up the day.  A very short time later he told my sister he knew he left 2 years ago but he was messed up and had to take care of himself and that he loved me but.....

#3:  I planned on taking the day off.  Due to Covid, nothing is open so why bother.  I canceled my day off and took half a day instead.  I picked up GS from school to help out D and give me a few mins with him.  Tonight I'll go play some PB but this afternoon I am working and saving my time for another day.

So today is just another day.  Over the last few years, the significance of today has been lost.  I still know it was BD day.  I still remember that pain that day and the turmoil that followed.  However, I also recognize that I am now a much better person and I continue to become a better person all the time. 

I miss H.  Not the H I see now.  I miss the man I fell in love with in 1984!  However, I also see the regrowth of the person I had slowly killed off over the years.  I quit on me.  Never quit on my family or my marriage....I quit on me.  I see that now.  I devalued myself and overvalued everyone else.  I wasn't well balanced.

Now...I have that balance.  I really do love the person I have become!  I hate what has happened....but I am loving the results.

I hope if anyone new into your journey is readying or anyone who is stagnant in your journey is reading this....do your self a favor....forget about MLC.  Forget about H...concentrate on you.  Do you for you!  Make yourself happy.  Value yourself and realize how important you are to others and you don't need to prove it all the time.  Most of all.....find yourself.  Find the person you were always destined to be and make that the best person you know.

I beg you to get over the sorrow.  Let the bitterness go.  Learn what is important to you.  Show your strength and grow.  With the right attitude....you can use this as a launching bad to be better than ok.

Lastly......time really is your friend.  Three years ago I could never have imagined being where I am today.  I am happy.  I am growing.  I am accepting it.  I am not only living life to the fullest but thriving while I do it!  You can do.  It is all in your mindset.  I got here ONE day at a time over time.  You can to.  Everyone can if you look for the positives.  Learn and grown and become the best person you can be. 

I wish everyone out there well and hope you stay safe during these troublesome times!  -Sam-
  • Logged
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#79: October 29, 2020, 12:28:57 PM
Hi Sam

Your BD is around mine and I just read your update and nodded along, specially this part.
Quote
I hope if anyone new into your journey is readying or anyone who is stagnant in your journey is reading this....do your self a favor....forget about MLC.  Forget about H...concentrate on you.  Do you for you!  Make yourself happy.  Value yourself and realize how important you are to others and you don't need to prove it all the time.  Most of all.....find yourself.  Find the person you were always destined to be and make that the best person you know.

Some days I read threads of people who are starting their journey and I see the usual comments/questions I often had "I'm not sure I'm handling this right when I said X or Y" "How do I show I'm slipping away?" "How do I pave the way?" Reading everything that was to be read about MLC like I was going to learn so "trick" that could make things better.. It really doesn't matter, does it? There is no magic trick.. Looking after ourselves and focus on what we can and cannot control/influence is key.. Our MLCers are not in any of those categories..

It takes a long time to accept that and while I sometimes find myself feeling shocked still (3 years in!) I'm very glad to realize I left behind the raw pain, the anxiety and the belief that there was anything I could do to fix the unfixable. Nobody in their right mind would choose what we all went through here but it is up to us to make the most of this new "unwanted" life we have.

Very happy to see how well you are doing! Stay safe
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H - 43 (40 @BD1)
M - 43 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H and OW are together, presume PA  - 3rd June 2019
H gets engaged with OW (we are not divorced) - Oct 2019
H "finally" asks for divorce - Aug 2020

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

 

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