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Author Topic: My Story Trusting I am on the right path

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My Story Trusting I am on the right path
OP: February 06, 2020, 04:29:45 PM
There are certain things I know.

For instance, I know that had I not realized I was at 150 on the last thread, I can count on certain people to tell me that I have hit my limit - LOL

I know that the dog will not leave my side all weekend, as long as I am under the weather. Unless, of course they tempt her with things like biscuits, cookies or a ride in the car, then all bets are off.

I know that there are certain bills that are going to show up in the mail this weekend.

But, there are things I just don't know. In the past, when I was in high school and early on in college I worried about grades the future to a degree. Somewhere along the line, I had a strong sense of trust and faith. Some of it was having supportive people around and some of it might have been my temperament, but I know that along the way that was nurtured. Even after having a meltdown, I could have a moment of knowing that somehow things would be okay and I just had to have some faith that things would work out.

That didn't mean I didn't have fears. But, it had been a long time where those fears overshadowed that sense of faith and trusting my instincts.

MLC and Xh's crisis really blew that to smithereens for a long time. Finding my way back to trusting my gut, that has been tough. I still have moments of self doubt and fear sets in. And it bothers me that I still have those moments. Perhaps because they often come during a trigger or when I am wishing for my life to somehow be normal again. But, it is not a desire for normal, as in what was. I have accepted that path has sink holes in it that can never be back filled.

The new path is terrifying at times. Yet, more and more, I am finding if I stop and just pay attention to little things, I feel a sense of this is where I am supposed to be. To many it sounds incredibly crazy because they interpret it as if I am somehow saying it is like some psychic ability, and that isn't it. It is a strange sense of calm and just trusting myself more.

This week I felt it after my last class at the university. Even when I wasn't feeling physically well, I felt a weird sense of belonging in that setting - that room. It was the same sense I had when I chose the university I went to myself. I had visited many spectacular programs and beautiful campuses, but that one just had a feeling for me.

Today, I saw a woman at the grocery store while I was waiting for my prescription who I haven't seen in months. She had been a student of mine at the community classes. She cried when she saw me and gave me a big hug. I haven't seen her since classes ended and she had lost her oldest child several months ago, very tragically. We talked for long time and out of the conversation came some things that made me realize she and I were supposed to see each other today. She said the same thing. She is a very spiritual person, and it is not something she shares with most people. I needed to see her because it reminded me of the conversations she and I often had about trusting our gut those conversations are in part what helped me to find my way back to that mentality and my own sense of faith. She gave me another hug and said I had no idea how much seeing me brought her comfort today, as she was really struggling.

Because it has been several months, people have put her on a time line for grieving. The false idea that she shouldn't be still crying at times. I understand completely what had set her off. She is still dealing with several items from her S's estate and had to get his death certificate out. I told her I knew what that was like to a degree having had to pull open the dreaded divorce box myself, as it brings that to the surface. As her tears rolled down, it dawned on me who could help her with this estate issue and I shared one of my guarded contacts. A sense of relief came over her and we agreed to get together soon and have coffee, an addiction we both share.  :)

I am not sure what the path ahead has in store. I have moments of questioning if it is the right path. I have fears that bubble up, and often they are the fears of what if this is it - I am going to just be that woman who pours herself into her work and her students? I have friendships and a full life, but I crave more. I have moments of not knowing and there seems to be a heavy mist covering the path so I don't know what lies ahead. I trip up and fall on this path, and that makes me question if I am heading in the right direction. It isn't always clear, yet it comparing it to where I was when I was trying to follow the path the MLCer was on, it is so much better. I just have to keep trusting my gut and not questioning when things feel strangely right.

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11183.new#new
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« Last Edit: February 06, 2020, 04:32:09 PM by MourningDove »

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Re: Trusting I am on the right path
#1: February 06, 2020, 11:41:25 PM
Attaching - now, get off the PC and go to bed!

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Me - 56, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 13, D - 9
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Re: Trusting I am on the right path
#2: February 07, 2020, 12:29:42 AM
Quote
MLC and Xh's crisis really blew that to smithereens for a long time.

Sometimes, Mourning, you write something that is exactly what I think and it helps me realise that I think it.  ;)

Like you, whether by nurture or temperament, I had lived my life before with faith, instinct and optimism. I felt the world was a pretty benign place and i had not experienced living with fear. I knew who I was and felt safe to make a lot of assumptions about how life worked.

Looking back, it seems to me that surviving this experience meant pulling life back to a moment at a time and small tangible things that I felt I could know. Life was on a very small canvas. Bc the bigger canvas was frightening and impenetrable. And then healing came from slowly stretching the size of the canvas. Soooo slowly. In that process, I found some things again but also found that I can't entirely live the way I used to live. Not sure if that is good or bad, permanent or temporary. But there are strange gifts in living on a smaller canvas. More appreciation of the moment, more ease with the unknowable things, a default tuning into my deepest instincts when I am unsure. I am not yet quite where you are with that feeling of 'rightness' but I have glimmers of it which are nice when they come. If only bc living in a life that feels 'wrong' is so uncomfortable lol.

When you talk to your friend, if it is appropriate, I' d recommend three resources that helped me very much. CS Lewis's book 'On Grief' bc he finds words that describe things we feel but can't always describe, makes you feel less alone. A website called https://www.refugeingrief.com bc it is the most honest about how messy grief is and validates that in a way which RL often doesn't. And maybe for when she is ready, a book called Second Firsts about the process of moving from grief into a post-grieving life in very honest practical ways.

Cuddle the dog. Keep hydrated. Get well soon  :)
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« Last Edit: February 07, 2020, 12:31:17 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
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Re: Trusting I am on the right path
#3: February 08, 2020, 12:21:19 PM
Treasur - The desire to pull in and put a protective suit of armor on when MLC hit was overwhelming. Understanding the difference between boundaries and out and out impenetrable walls that no one would get through was a tough one to figure out. The desire to just keep from ever hurting again was sometimes overwhelming.

I have been thinking back to my youth. I was never a kid that was sheltered. I won't say my parents didn't keep certain things from me, but I knew about life and death to a certain degree. Sad things as well as happy. From a very early age there have been stories I have heard. But, I also was exposed to people who overcame those horrible things and kept living. I believe this has been my saving grace.

But, finding that inner strength was not easy and still isn't sometimes.

At one point in time, I was a person who watched the news faithfully and was involved in a job that required I deal with politics to a large degree. I had more than one person push me to run for office, only because I would on occasion dare to speak up. It has never been a desire I had, and now I find it really funny. I avoid the news often, as it is too much. But, I don't avoid everything. I have narrowed my field. I check in with the world, but I am surrounded by things that are often not always pretty and happy. I reevaluated what I want now. I have no desire to change the world, as it is too big of a task. I have found that I want to control my own life to a degree, as much as life allows. I have found a great joy in giving other's tools and perhaps being the one that helps them see that pebble that they can pick up and throw in the pond to create ripples.

I am rediscovering my own desires and joys. My world is expanding again, but looking back one of the things that got out of whack for me personally was in fact just as MLC rolled in. During an attempt to find myself, as I was slowly losing myself in Xh's MLC and with FIL living here, I was in fact pursuing opportunities professionally that were not making me truly happy. They gave me a really kick ass title and power, but I was hollow and drained. It took me too far from who I was. Being a person that craves those inner connections most, having lots of "friends" really did nothing for me. So, now, I am not so much guarded as I am perhaps selective, because I need that energy for my own self and for those who are allowed into my world. And, that was something that was there for years before MLC. But, those inner circles were never there like a forcefield keeping life out. That for me has been a hard thing to untangle - understanding what is protective and what is my "normal".

Today, I am feeling 1000% better - the antibiotics and rest helped. Having had a snow storm that prevented any travel yesterday helped. LOL. I spent most of Thursday sleeping and fighting whatever it is has been that has ahold of my body. Yesterday, I made up my mind to just embrace the storm, not to shovel and spent the whole day snuggled on the couch reading books. It was so bad that the dog, who views snow as the best thing ever gave me a look of "no way" when we did go out. It was because it was icy that made yesterday dangerous. But, it was also one of the quietest days with no traffic. I had heat, food and a dog who wanted to stay snuggled at my feet with the one cat. The television stayed off and D admitted she was enjoying shutting out the rest of the world as well. She now understands why I removed the TV from the living room. We have a media room and TV's in other rooms. I wanted a space where we can just talk and spend time without the temptation of just turning on the TV. Sometimes the kids bring their laptops, but they now see my long term plan. My only complaint yesterday was not having budgeted to have the fireplace addressed. A roaring fire in the fireplace or a gas insert would have been perfect. Something to plan for in the future.

Today, it cleared up and S went out of state for the day. I am not thrilled, but there is no stopping the stubborn young adult. D, she too went out for the day. She is not traveling as far, and the she needs practice driving in the snow. Both kids were laughing as we have had a very easy winter so far, so this is Mother Nature telling us she determines the weather and how long winter stays, not some groundhog.

My problem this morning was because I felt so much better, the desire to go full tilt kicked in. I am holding back and making myself rest, as the doctor told me I would no doubt feel better with the antibiotics, but this stupid flu like ailment will take several days to really work out of my system and not to over do it, or I will be down for the count. So, I am behaving.

I did however dig out the dreaded divorce box. It doesn't really matter why other than I did it in hopes of finding something that might help someone else. There was so much I didn't share on HS, that I documented in detailed journals that sit in that box. I will admit, I felt sick after seeing some of the contents. And it was not from my ailment. No antibiotics are going to cure that feeling. I opened the journals and can so clearly recall the moments as I read them. The times I was so angry and wondered why I was being forced down this path. Knowing how stupid spending the money was when it could be put towards better things - how perhaps therapy for Xh, paying off the house, investing, travel - anything other than where it was going. Frustration with the process and feeling like it would never end. Having to fight Xh about wanting to subpoena S and my parents for ridiculous things that had nothing to do with custody, because Xh had already won the battle with me to not push for child support for S. Navigating with my attorney to make the best of the situation. It was never a win, it was how was I going to sometimes just survive and protect myself.

Being angry that it was going to fall on me to be the stable parent and Xh in reality was going to not only going to avoid coparenting, but he was going to go off and leave me picking up all the pieces. He was going to put me in a position where I wasn't going to have a life of my own.

I felt shackled so many times in the process. And yet, somehow I got through it. Protect myself and kids. That was written in my journals more times than I care to count. And many times it felt like the system would fail me. In some ways it did, others it didn't.

How many calls to my attorney that I had to chase her. I was lucky, as she had a fantastic paralegal. But, the best times I made some headway, I met with the attorney face to face and felt like I was being heard. But, the process dragged at times. Xh escaped paying any bills and support. His attorney delayed. I had forgotten having to chase after the sale of the house. His attorney went on vacation putting me at risk of having to sell the house. I needed to clear Xh's name off the deed and buy it before July of that year and they dragged it out to where I was under the gun, having to go to my parents for a bailout in order to make it happen. That came with some real feelings of inadequacy and guilt having to ask my parents to help me out.

And then came the biggie that has been a tough one to deal with today. That feeling of being disposed and undesirable. Probably where the biggest trigger that made me feel sick came from.

But, I took a deep breath and put the box back. I can't get rid of some of the things in that box as until D is no longer part of the CS equation, I have to have certain things. But, the box is back in it's rightful place.

I have no regrets looking at it, as I believe it holds some answers. And perhaps after hammering some nails out of boards and doing some productive, yet physical things, I feel better.

I am past that part of my life. Yes, at the time all of it seemed just all consuming and there were no clear answers. That path was so covered in fog, I had no idea if I had been mislead down the path. And often there was so much fog, I wasn't sure if I took another step if I would be on solid ground or falling right off of a cliff. I still have those fears at times, but they feel more like getting tangled in some random vines on the path as opposed to finding myself in quicksand.

I have to embrace all of the things in my life and find the positives. I have no choice. I could complain about the horrible snow and weather, blah, blah blah. Yup, there was a time in my prior life when Xh would be booking our trip to go hang out for a few weeks in the warmth and that is wonderful. I could do that now, but that would mean my summer plans might not happen. It might mean not having my fireplace later, which I am embracing more and more.

I am coming to realize more and more that with every decision there is a give and take in life. What am I giving up to gain? I lost a MLC Xh who is a monster. Sad and unfortunate in the grand scheme. Complete waste of energy and money, when I see what could have been. But, now that I am beyond that dreaded divorce, and see my Xh is still swirling in the madness, I am taking the things I do have and I am making the best of it when I can. I have gained more personal peace. I have more of myself back, and enough that I can see sharing it with someone else now. I am no longer afraid of so many unknowns, at least not in the sense that they keep me shackled.

It seems like a lifetime ago now.
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Re: Trusting I am on the right path
#4: February 08, 2020, 10:35:00 PM
Glad to hear you are feeling better. Sounds like the universe gave you a time out day just when you needed it  :)

I ignored the news for a long time and even now i pick and mix tbh. Lots of things I don't care about, lots of things that are just too depressing. And journals? My word, that was a brave thing to do but it sounds as if it was cathartic. I have mine from the WTF years. Can't read them, can't burn them yet, not sure why. Perhaps I am a bit afraid of seeing the woman I was then knowing now what was coming. Idk. But I do think there is a point of picking things up to lay them down and I am doing the same here today with old photos, a really big cull.

I remember that sense of wasted money and energy though. I think I even said to my xh once that if he could just take a breath and talk to me rationally, we could both save thousands that could be spent in much nicer ways. That it would be cheaper and more fun to go on a round the world trip than do what we were doing lol. Waste of breath of course, made no difference to his desire to slash and burn and do things that made no sense even if I was wearing my big brave practical pants! Dealing with him at that time really was insane....very difficult to explain why it was that way to others in RL who couldn't understand it either....it is exhausting and bewildering when another person seems incapable of being rational isn't it? Or why they seem to hate you so much when they are apparently getting what they say they wanted. I remember quite a few conversations with friends who would say 'but why is he/whycan't you ask him to....' when tbh the only sane answer was 'bc he doesn't want to and doesn't care'  ::)

But both of us can take comfort in the fact that the worst of times is well behind us.
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« Last Edit: February 08, 2020, 10:39:10 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: Trusting I am on the right path
#5: February 11, 2020, 09:46:45 AM
Treasur - I am feeling better, although, I am mildly frustrated, as I am still not back to my normal level of energy. The doctor warned me that because of the drop in my blood pressure and such, it would take a few days to bounce back. I am being well behaved and making sure I am keeping hydrated and have been going to bed at a reasonable hour. It is not easy for me to no longer have any of the other symptoms and remind myself that I am still not 100%. I am such a bad patient. LOL

D has been in a miserable mood the past couple of days. She has her reasons and like Xh, often my best approach with her is to let her process and know when to back off. I did get her to laugh last night when I attempted to steal her cookie, which she knows I wouldn't really do to her. She had a hard time not laughing and admitted it was hard to be annoyed with me when I was being funny. LOL

Yesterday, I had forgotten to turn my phone to vibrate and it notified me I had a text. I carry my phone on me at all times, which I kind of hate, but my administrator was fine with it, when she realizes I am not in one place where I am easy to reach. And the administrator and students know I am it as far as my kids are concerned. While I don't share a lot, I have shared with the students that sometimes you have to know who you can count on and my kids know I am the one who will drop everything if need be. For many, it is a good thing that I share this. I don't bash Xh, but many of these kids come from situations that are similar in terms of not having two parents who are involved. Some have no parents at all who know what is going on, nor do they care. They all know I won't answer my phone if it is a non emergency, but I do carry it around just in case.

But, yesterday when the phone made an audible sound. I turned it over and my one very perceptive student smiled at me. She said to me later that clearly that was not a kid texting me. I told her no, it was not and it meant that I have plans this weekend. She didn't press, but said she was glad.

This particular student is probably one of those kids I wish I could just take home and give her an opportunity to fly. She is rough around the edges, but has a huge heart. Her dream is to go into the field of designing prosthetics for children. I have known her 2 years now, and she asked to be in my class again, even though she gave up a study hall and doesn't receive any credit that will benefit her in many ways. She is a talented student yet sometimes, I know for her, it is she needs a positive female role model and she knows I care. Last week her F, who clearly has serious mental issues decided to pop back up in the picture. He contacted her after months of nothing and told her he was off his meds, and suicidal. She didn't share this willingly at first, but I could tell she was struggling. We had a long conversation about boundaries and I sent her down to the counselor. Her M, well she moved across the street and left the daughter to fend for herself, yet again because M is back with the boyfriend. How this kid even gets up and functions is beyond me. But perhaps, as I told her today, she is a warrior. She struggles, but she is bound and determined to not be a victim.

I wanted to cry today. She buys her clothes at thrift stores and has a lovely sense of fashion. She always looks fantastic. Today, she came in and her clothes smelled of cat pee. And she knew it, I could tell. I didn't say a word to her. She is usually very stoic and she said she came home last night and her clean clothes weren't in her closet. Her M has a habit of coming over and raiding the closet. She teared up and said to me quietly all she wanted to do was come to school, as she has an exam today. I winked at her and "accidentally" got paint on her sweatshirt. None of the other students knew what was going on. I told her to go down to the office, as I know they have a couple of sweatshirts for emergencies and I would take her sweatshirt home and wash it since i made a mess. The other students really thought I was that clumsy and she came back and thanked me. Inside, I was fuming. This kid has been dealt a horrible situation and she didn't need this. And, CPS has been called several times, but there is not much they can do at this point. She is old enough to be on her own and she is not in any danger, as the M provides shelter and food (from time to time) ::)

But, I cannot fix it. I can only let her know she can count on me to kick her butt and to care. She knows I will do what is in my power to help her succeed. A couple of weeks ago, she happened to be showing me her family tree and ancestry. I asked her about one specific line on her chart, as it listed Cherokee. When I pushed she seemed perplexed. I asked her if anyone had informed her of scholarships, etc. No, as she never thought about it being important, other than she is pretty proud of her heritage. I called my coworker over and he sees her more, so they are going after the necessary documentation, and applying for scholarships. When someone thanked me and started to gush, I told them that I did nothing more than point out something, it is in her hands to follow through. And it is not something she would have known, as she has no one guiding her at home.

So, yesterday, I know that when she told me she could see from my smile that the plans this weekend are truly making me happy, I know she understands.

And this morning, in the midst of being frustrated with many of my students in general, I was reminded that for the few that really are disruptive, I have a constant handful of students who make every aggravation worth it.

Two of them came into my classroom this morning. They left their study hall and came into my other class, which is small to ask me for advice on their projects. But, they come in for more than that. The one young man laughed because he said he went back and stood up to his F, after  his F wanted to pull him out of classes to go away for 2 weeks. The kid missed several weeks after an accident that required multiple pins being put in his leg. He can't afford to miss anymore school. He cannot afford to miss the college level courses he is struggling in. I said I would talk to his F and his M. His M is reasonable, the F takes some maneuvering. But this young man said he wants to learn how to talk to his F like an adult and to advocate for himself. This morning he was as proud as a peacock. He said he is of course disappointed he cannot go on vacation, but he told his F his reasons for staying behind and his F gave in. The kid is a senior and is afraid he won't graduate high school if he misses more school. He told me he was grateful I was willing to back him up if need be. And then he asked me about his next project.

The thing about that kid was, last year he was one of the kids I wanted to string up by his toes half the time. He is talented and bright. He would bounce off the walls most days and argue. And sometimes with me. He finally realized that I was not kidding when I said I would give my students double what they gave me. Once he figured out that when he worked and showed me he cared, did I start giving him more. He too signed up for the additional class this year. And, today he joked that he is one of my favorite students. I told him that was in fact true now, not so much last year, but mainly because I knew what he was capable of and it was frustrating. I told him he earned my respect and the amount of growth is to be commended and rewarded, hence why I allow him to come into my other class to check in.

And my last student. OMG, she is an odd combo of how I was as a kid and how D is. She wants to go into the same field as my nephew, the one Xh has pretty much adopted. I told her today that I would reach out to him and see if she and her parents can talk to him, as she is looking at the same college he went to. She stayed in my early class as well. She is often just working in my room. I know for her, that it is a place she feels safe and can confide in me. Her problems are not with her parents. She has awesome parents and siblings. She suffers from insecurity and shyness. I was shy, but insecurity was not an issue. She has horrible OCD and anxiety which D can have when she is stressed out. Today, I found out that she shares the same birth month as D. I was kidding her that it explains so much.

Before I left the young man I gave the camera to a while back caught up with me and showed me his latest batch of photos that he has taken. He is getting better.

Those little interactions today make up for all of the other nonsense that goes on in my life sometimes. And in spite of being still tired from whatever it was I had, I feel strangely energized.  :)
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Re: Trusting I am on the right path
#6: February 12, 2020, 03:10:08 AM
Dove,

2 things... OK, maybe 3....

1) Being strangely energized is great but don't let that fool you - take care of your self and pace yourself, hard as that might be....
2) Steal the cookie... There are certainly more where that one came from... If not, then don't...
3) Enjoy the successes with the students- They will remember that you were there for them for the rest of their lives... I most certainly do...
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Me - 56, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Re: Trusting I am on the right path
#7: February 12, 2020, 08:04:36 PM
UrsaMajor - No, the one thing I am learning as I get older is that I need to listen to my body and my doctor - LOL. I have been making myself go to bed earlier and have been monitoring the blood pressure. It has leveled back out. I am behaving myself - which is no small feat when it comes to not pushing myself.

That said, contrary to what most may think, I do love to just relax and be. I like running around some times, but then on the flip side, I can easily drive to a lake and just sit for hours watching the things around me. Or I can sit at home, cuddled up with a book and just reading. I don't always have to be doing something that has me running around. A perfect quiet Sunday would be to open a glass of wine and cook a nice meal, and have no plans to do anything other than to enjoy the day. Of course sometimes that doesn't happen with the additional kids at my house.

I am going to get back to to stealing the cookie - that is actually a good segue.  ::)

My students - they may remember that I was there for them, and that is always humbling when they do, but I get great pleasure from helping them see they have it in them to do great things. I liken it to the pure sense of joy I saw when my kids were little and perhaps took their first steps. Witnessing that moment where they realize they did it on their own is priceless.

Tonight, I heard back from my nephew. That was not an easy text for me to send. Ever since Xh posted the picture of his "family" at Thanksgiving, it has been tough. And I haven't seen my nephew in over 3 years. My niece, in over 4. I have heard from them sporadically. Their M, I haven't wanted to see, but I have never voiced it. I know the divorce made things weird for my niece and nephew.

But, I decided for the sake of my student, I would suck it up and reach out. I hope to reconnect with my nephew, but this opportunity provided an easy conversation. My nephew is so thrilled I thought of him, as he used to be a student ambassador for his alma mater. My SIL and FIL had given my nephew a hard time about his choice of higher education, believing he was wasting his time at this place and his choice of studies also was a constant complaint that came up. So, having me suggest a student talk to him about his experiences was well received. And ironically, that "poor choice" my nephew made - yah, he landed a job in his field, and has done exceptionally well, having landed a dream job. He did okay. LOL

My nephew was so excited and said he was really touched that I thought of him. We had a nice conversation, reminiscing about when he and I would spend Saturday nights in my kitchen when he would visit. The rest of the family would be outside or watching TV and he would sit in the kitchen at the bar while I cleaned up or was cooking and we would put on the radio. Often they would play music from the 80's and 90's. When he was younger, he was always amazed I knew all the words to the songs. He loved the dance music, I had to confess that I used to go to the dance club with my friends on the weekends, although I never went every weekend. I liked to dance, and was not big into drinking so I would be the designated driver. I quit going when my friends started going not only every Saturday night, but then it extended into Thursday and Friday nights as well. My nephew always loved that era of music, but he was also surprised because he was used to hearing my very odd mix of music, which doesn't typically include throwbacks of dance music. No one else wanted to hang out with us in the kitchen and we were more than happy to just sing and dance while the rest of them did whatever they were doing.

I told my nephew, he was of course always welcome to come and visit any time. He is going to let me know when he is back in the area. Work takes him all over the place, and he always piggy backs his travels with things like rock climbing and white water rafting, or some other adventure. Coming to dance in my kitchen is not exactly high on the adventure scale - LOL

So, as for stealing D's cookie. "Steal the cookie... There are certainly more where that one came from... If not, then don't..." . Under normal circumstances, I would agree. D had started the week off on a bad note. Things were not going her way and she had an immense amount of homework and stress from school. Pile on her week is jam packed with places she needs to be. She was on overload. When I mentioned I was having company this weekend, she got annoyed. And it wouldn't have mattered if I had someone coming or not, she was just in a foul mood.

Her BF has a tournament all weekend and she doesn't really want to go along with his family and sit all weekend. S has to work part of the weekend, so she was thinking she was going to be alone all weekend. And normally, she would like that. It didn't matter this time, as she was just cranky enough that nothing would have made her happy.

The cookie - well, that was a situation where, yes, there were in fact more, but I had gotten them for her for Christmas. I had a couple of them and she was joking with me last week that those were her cookies. I told her that if she wasn't going to share them then she needed to hide them. And this is a joke we all have with each other, as I have shared many a special gift with them. They can always hide things.

But, the other fact is, Xh was always stealing things out of our hands or off our plates. It was something he thought was funny and it was something they did in his family as a sort of joke. I never minded when someone perhaps asked for a bite or sharing with someone, but I often found this little game annoying at times. And it was quite frequently not that they even wanted what you had, it was the challenge and the competition. He learned to not do it as frequently here, as I said while it was funny at times, I didn't want the kids going around stealing food off of people's plates, as not everyone finds it amusing.

And there were some classic moments, where I will admit it was funny. The one time the kids like to recall was we had ice cream cones with chocolate in the bottom. There was one left and no one else wanted it, so I was eating it. The neighbor stopped over and as I was standing there, Xh came up behind me and just swiped the cone right out of my hand and before I could scold him, it was gone.

Teasing D was a funny thing and she laughed, but I think if I had actually swiped it, I would have been in serious doo doo because that was always Xh's bit. And until tonight, when Xh reached out, D hadn't heard from him in a month. I had no idea, as I don't push. D keeps every text from Xh, and she says it is to remind herself that she is not being over sensitive - he doesn't reach out or ask about her day, etc.

Last night, D was marginally better. Today, she was in a great mood, until she and I had to meet up to drop off her car for a recall. She was on her way to meet me at a midway point. I was trying to get out the door and told her I would be there as soon as I could, but I was in the middle of a huge project that needed finished. There was no appointment, as we are leaving it overnight for them to work on today and Friday. But, D is very prompt. I get it, but I knew I was cutting it close. I called and told her I would be 10 minutes later than I planned. That pushed her buttons.

I had concerns that maybe D was aggravated with my company coming. I had spoken to S and he was excited for me. For one, I know he likes this person and told me he was glad I was going to have some fun. He told me I deserved to be happy. He ended up calling D and having a discussion with her, because part of my fear was D having a problem with her abandonment issues. S told me tonight that he talked to her and assured her that I was not going to do the same thing Xh did. I am always there for both of them and she needs remind herself that if I am not around, there are plenty of others who are here for them as well. But, I am not about to start just forgetting they exist.

And then D shocked the daylights out of me. Out of the blue she had suggestions of places I should take this person this weekend. Many places she and I have gone, which says a lot. She is not one to just share those things. As she chatted along she stopped and then wondered why this person hadn't come in the house last time they were here. I reminded her that she was in a very bad place that weekend and I didn't want to add to her anxiety. She laughed and said looking back, yah she was in an awful mood that weekend and she apologized. It was determined she was more than receptive to letting me have company in the house.  ::)

She and I had a long talk and I just have to remember to reach out to her and let her know where I am. She is much better than she was. She told me she wants me to be happy.

My plans for the weekend are to not run around like a mad woman and cram the schedule full. I am looking forward to going a couple of places, but I am really wanting to relax. It dawned on me a little while ago that I have access to my parent's house if there are too many kids running around here. I can easily use my parent's kitchen and have an escape from the madness if need be, so opening a bottle of wine and just cooking a meal is a possibility.  :) The perks of being the one to watch my parent's house. LOL
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Re: Trusting I am on the right path
#8: February 13, 2020, 12:36:37 AM
OK, so maybe REALLY swiping the cookie wasn't such a great idea....

But I could see the whole thing ending up being a laugh fest, say if you kept subtly reaching for it repeatedly, maybe as a kind of challenge.... You can always give it back if you did manage to get it.. .Just DON'T take a bite (you might act as if... THAT would get you the "WTF" stare I am sure.... )  I mean, velociraptors have to take as good as they give right? ;-)

Sounds like you are planning for a nice time with your company. That is good. A little adult companionship can often be a good thing to have.... Talking to our kids is great but there are just some things that need to be discussed among adults.
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Me - 56, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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Re: Trusting I am on the right path
#9: February 13, 2020, 03:11:49 PM
UrsaMajor - LOL. Yah, I know better than to actually swipe D's cookie when she is in a mood. I kept trying to distract her and would reach for it. It made her laugh. And, the steal the cookie thing, that was never my game anyways.

D and I were talking about a funny thing on the way back from dropping her car off. She was thinking about how Xh started to just go off in a different direction all the way around. He would sometimes buy me funny gifts, but typically, if he bought something for me it had a lot of thought in meaning in it.

Right before he went off the rails, he dragged me to a winery one afternoon. I was a little annoyed, as he said it was for work and it was on a weekend when I wanted to garden. While I love spontaneous trips, there are times when I am tired of running around and just want to chill at home. This had been one of those weeks. It was not that I was opposed to going to the winery but it was more the way he presented it, which was he was going down to meet the owner and then coming home. He finally wore me down and I rode along. When we arrived he then informed me that he was really going to pick up a piece of custom made jewelry and having it delivered there for me. It was a stunning necklace. He had been planning it for months.

Flash forward to MLC and a Christmas later my gifts were very odd. He clearly didn't know me at all by then. He bought me jewelry, but it was not at all my style. Then came the pajama pants. I only wear pajamas when I am sick and I am not one to wear pajama pants with giant characters on them. I have no problem if someone else likes them, but it is not my style. These were magenta fleece with giant monkey faces on them. Now of course, the correlation of MLC rolling in and receiving monkey pants is really rather amusing to me. LOL

Well, when I got those pants, D was mortified. S laughed. Xh somehow thought it was a great gift. The thing is, I am not always the shy one now a days and I informed all of them that if they kept it up, I would in fact wear those things out in public, just to embarrass them. I put them in a drawer and didn't wear them for a very long time. Until one day when Xh and the kids were being funny, and the kids had friends coming over. I decided to remind them of my promise. They were not so amused. LOL

D was simply saying last night that it becomes easier to look at those events and see the insanity unfolding. Ways to mark the moments.

My high school class was quiet and it would seem my one student was pretty angry with me. She crossed a line with me and now she is upset that she was shown that I am not always easy going. I have one rule in the class in terms of the materials. That is to understand that the materials in the cabinet are in fact my own materials that I have brought in. The rules are pretty simple. Ask to use them, put them back and make sure things are clean. I have allowed them to use some materials they would have never had access to. Basically, it is they are to respect the materials, etc. I haven't had any problems up until this week. The student, a young woman who turned 18 and has gone from being a fantastic student, to having a new attitude - one of - "I am an adult now, FU".

She has been doing some painting and I gladly let her use the paints - in class and in study halls. When I came in on Tuesday, she was not in class and my paints and all of the brushes were missing, as was the canvas she was working on. And, she chose not to come to school on time, rolling in at noon, because, well she is an adult now  ::) When I had 6 students open the cabinet, hoping to finish their project, I was informed the paints weren't in there. Not a single tube. I didn't accuse, but the students as well as I knew what had gone on. So, I went after class and let the principal know my theory, but we both agreed that the best way to handle it was to simply ask the young woman. That said, the principal was ticked. She said this young woman needed to be shown that her sense of entitlement was not okay.

Today, one of her friends rolled her eyes and said the young woman was upset with me. I said that first of all, had she asked, I might have loaned her some other paints she could in fact take home. Secondly, she was lucky I didn't actually press charges for theft, as she is now an "adult" and she in fact took about $500 worth of supplies. The friend, the young woman who is wanting to talk to my nephew, agreed with me. I told her I didn't care if this young woman was upset, as those were the rules I set early on, and she broke the rules, end of discussion. The friend agreed and said I did set very clear rules and expectations.

Then the young woman I contacted my nephew about sought me out. Out of the blue she asked me about going to art school. You could have knocked me over. We talked at length and I asked what brought this on, as this was a new one on me. Yet, she is incredibly talented. The more we talked I got her to see she could combine her majors, something she had never thought about doing. I gave her my other work email and told her to contact me next week and I would meet with she and her M to discuss some of the options.

And then I had a hiccup in my day. It will work out, but my stress level went out the door. I went to use my bank card at a store and it was declined. I thought WTF, as I had just put a check in and the colleges had paid me, or so I thought. I hadn't checked my account recently, it dawned on me. I usually check it faithfully on Fridays. Having been sick, I didn't bother this week, and forgot. Yah, good thing I did, as luckily all of my bills were paid and checks cleared, but it would seem the one college messed up my check completely and the university, yah, that wasn't there at all. Oh yay. LOL

Thankfully, I have a small savings set aside and transferred money. But of course, Xh is late with support, so that doesn't help and D's car, well when we dropped it off for the recall, the check engine light went on. Yah, the dealership told me what code it was and I immediately knew. It was the same problem I had with that model car when I owned the previous one at around the same mileage. So, D's car is in the shop and I could feel myself starting to feel overwhelmed.

As I drove to work, I realized that it was okay. I had the money to cover it and the colleges all are resolving it. I have been in tougher situations the past few months and I had an emergency stash. And it is more than enough to get me through the next week. I am okay. I think it was a little trigger- that feeling like this was the ground falling out from under me. But, the reality was it is just a pot hole. I am okay. I am not destitute and I have play money and enough to cover my bills. I realized, I was okay and not to over react.

And, if Xh sticks to his usual "schedule" he should be sending a check this weekend - LOL Add to it, D was quick to remind me she has money and it is her car, we had agreed she was going to help pay for these things. That was true.

By the time I reached work, the stress rolled away. I've got this.  :)
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