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Author Topic: My Story Trusting I am on the right path

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My Story Re: Trusting I am on the right path
#20: February 21, 2020, 05:55:30 AM
Is there a tiny message in recent events maybe that there are some bits relating to xh/kids that it could be time to begin to let go? To ease back a little from feeling the need to protect them as you used to have to do as both your son and daughter grow into how to navigate it and protect themselves? Could be wrong, jmo, but just wondered as I know sometimes being the only grown up is also wearing for you....
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
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Re: Trusting I am on the right path
#21: February 21, 2020, 09:39:58 AM
Treasur - I know it is based on what I write in regards to my protectiveness. I am protective when it comes to the situation with Xh and the aftermath. And how to balance that part of being a parent and letting them falter.

When it comes to everyday things and the kids, I am not overly protective, in fact quite the contrary. I worry at times, but I am not a helicopter parent by any stretch of the imagination. My kids knew that I was there for them, but they were taught from a very young age they should learn to advocate for themselves sometimes. They have never feared talking to adults.

Sometimes they need backup, like S wanting me to go with him to the bank to just sit with him in case he didn't ask all the right questions, but he knew I was not going to hold his hand during the process. They do know that if they try and get shut down or need backup, I am there and would have easily gotten in the car and sat in the registrar's office to get to the bottom of things for S, but only after he had exhausted all of his options.

But, when it comes to Xh, there is something that really comes into play. That is I am uneasy because while I would love it if Xh could find his way to be a sane adult again and ease my sense of needing to protect them, the truth is, he in fact often creates the problems to begin with and then makes it even harder for me. My radar is up and on high alert based on the recent past of his MLC laden history. I am bracing myself for fallout.

And, I am all for them figuring out the situation with their F. There is a lot I don't involve myself in with regards to Xh - much of which I don't post about. I don't ask the kids about Xh. I only hear snippets from both kids when they offer it up. Both kids know that I am not going to intervene with how they navigate their relationship with their F - they are adults. But, like it or not, Xh's MLC affects the kids and they need the support I needed for a time to adjust.

That said, yes, the observation that being the only grown up is really wearing on me. I am tired of it, and I am working to figure out that balance. I want certain things in my life and I am making changes. I just feel I have to be mindful of the rate at which I make some of those changes. I can't pull the rug out from under the kids like Xh did.

D and I have had some conversations as of late about what my future holds. She understands I am not going to sit at home just waiting for she and her B to move out and then start living my life. It is not easy for the kids to completely wrap their heads around. They too had an idea oh so many years ago that life for my Xh and I would be more like it is with my parents. That is not the scenario. I am not going to be growing old with my Xh by my side. They are okay with that, as am I, but it does change the story and they are adjusting, just like I am. In reality, in many ways, I have had more time to really detach and do that. Xh's antics with me allowed me to get to that point.

Both D and S were getting to that point and now it remains to be seen if this is a "touch and go" with D or if this is a legitimate attempt at repairing things. Both kids have experienced this with him before and they witnessed it happening to me. So, my protective side, yes, it is in fact probably heightened a little right now as I am just mentally preparing for the aftermath of a simple cup of coffee.
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« Last Edit: February 21, 2020, 09:43:55 AM by MourningDove »

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Re: Trusting I am on the right path
#22: February 21, 2020, 10:14:42 AM
I hope you know that there was not a whit of implied criticism in my comment?  :)

But bc I have followed (and enjoyed) your family story, I suppose I could see the inherent tension as a parent vs a person. Tbh I think it is useful for others with adult kids that you share your experience of it, of how all of you are continuing to adapt to a life that turned out to be rather different than the one you all, kids too, probably your parents as well, imagined. The ripples of this stuff are wider and longer than we might think at first aren't they? I bet you are not the only person who sees that here.
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H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: Trusting I am on the right path
#23: February 21, 2020, 12:18:33 PM
Treasur - Even if there had been a criticism there, it is not something that somehow offends me. Something that makes me stop and think about the perspective is not always a bad thing.

Part of why I keep journaling and posting here is that MLC didn't just up and magically disappear once the ink on the divorce papers were dry. I may not be standing any longer, but that is simply my situation. In my day to day "RL", there are very few people who understand or struggle with the same issues. I have plenty of people who divorce and maybe don't co-parent, but in those situations, at least the one's I know of, that other spouse was not involved as a parent to begin with. It has some similarities, but it is like comparing a whale and a cow. Both are mammals and share some similarities, but their situations are vastly different.

And right now, my own struggle is where my needs lie as a woman and still being a M. That role as a parent is always there, but before MLC hit, I had a reliable partner. It would be tough if my Xh had died and I was left alone to raise the kids, but instead this warped version of Xh reappears and we all have this hidden hope that this time he will be on his way to recovery. So far, it has lead to disappointment.

And, for me, I know my kids want me to be happy. They have expressed that they don't wish for Xh and I to reconcile. They see I am more of a complete person again and more like the woman they remember before all of this. They are okay with me moving on and changing.

But, I would imagine it is going to be difficult if Xh gets his $h!tee together and suddenly there is some semblance of the F that was. I am no longer interested in the man that was. I have grieved him and hold the happy memories where they should be, in my past. I am no longer holding on to those memories the same way. Seeing pictures of him from even our wedding doesn't bring tears now. But, for the kids, what is that going to be like if he "returns". I am not sure that is going to be easy for anyone. Do I hope for it - yes, for his own sake.

Had Xh gotten therapy all along, or was in therapy now, it might have been different. The problem is with me. Once that level of trust is broken, I am very protective of myself. He had plenty of time to try and work on things. I gave until I felt as though I had no soul. I can't let that happen to me again and I just don't feel secure around him.

I know most people see me as fiercely independent. That has been there since college. I walked to my college classes across campus and I know I gave off the illusion of being very confident and secure. It happens now more so. I have had to be more self-sufficient. But, underneath that armor, is a woman who secretly loves feeling protected and likes having a man who wants to hold the door for me. I crave that sense of security and Xh will never give me that again.

And that knowing my children, I know that is something they are fearing as well. Both have said that if Xh had gone to therapy, and gotten help, they would feel better. They are afraid to trust him again. Even S, who may seem to give into Xh's whims, he is much more guarded around Xh than he ever was prior to the introduction of the MLC distorted version of Xh. The kids are always waiting for the other shoe to drop. And witnessing it, now that my vision of the situation is much clearer is excruciating to watch, and often I know all I can do is let it unfold and let them learn the hard lesson on their own.

This morning, my class went well. One of the students dropped out of all of her classes, so we are down to a group of 6 and they are so close knit. It truly is a fantastic class. Their critiques are so much more vibrant than my classes yesterday. The groups at the university are not used to true art critiques and it is in part due to the nature of the group, being a mix of majors and non-majors. There is an art form to a proper critique and I demand a certain level of etiquette.

D and I stopped at the grocery store and went to the cafe area to grab lunch to go. I was standing at the counter and placing an order when I looked over to see D with a giant smile on her face. Before I could ask her what, I heard a deep voice say "I wasn't going to let  you get away this time". It took me a minute to process and I burst out laughing. The kid behind the counter was clearly concerned, as this was one of the head chefs and anyone that knows him is well aware he has a W and 3 kids. I played along and said that I have been very upset with him that he hasn't been by to visit lately. Then I turned to the young man behind the counter and informed him not to worry, I used to babysit this man when he was a kid and his parents live next door to me. He and his family often stop by to visit and the daughters play with my dog.

We had a nice visit and he told me he has decided he is going to make a career change and is going into carpentry. He waited for my shock to set in and it didn't. He told me about his home projects and the furniture he is making. I had to laugh knowing his enthusiasm for woodworking really took just before Xh went into MLC full tilt. He came with some reclaimed wood to the house and asked Xh if he could help him build a giant farm table with copper touches. Xh was working at that time on his own projects around the house. They spent weekends building this table and after it was completed we were the first to have dinner on it to celebrate. Since then, he has been building all sorts of beautiful pieces that have caught the eye of a friend of his who is a well respected carpenter in the area. As we chatted, I asked him if he had any interest in helping me with a cherry dining table. I could see his eyes get big and the creative wheels turning. I laughed and said I knew he was never a trouble maker growing up, just a kid with creative side waiting to escape. I told him to bring the W and kids by and we could conspire on this table.

Funny, I had been thinking about this cherry table again and was designing it in my head, but had hit a creative block. I needed someone with the creative mind and the woodworking skills to make this come to fruition. And while I know people, like the master carpenter at work, they are either too busy or would cost me an arm and a leg. My former neighbor, he needs the project to build a portfolio and I told him I would help him build a portfolio in exchange. I am so hoping that we can make this happen. I needed a creative boost right now.
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« Last Edit: February 21, 2020, 12:54:47 PM by MourningDove »

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Re: Trusting I am on the right path
#24: February 22, 2020, 07:10:25 PM
Last night when I came home one of S's friends was waiting in the driveway. It had gotten colder out and I wondered why this kid was not in the garage or inside the house, as D was home, but he didn't see her car in the driveway, so he assumed no one was home. He is a very respectful kid and said he wasn't going to just let himself in. I told him I appreciated that, but I told him now that I was home, he was to come in and not wait outside in the cold air. He came in and stopped in the living room. He right away exclaimed that I have clearly been really pushing myself this week. Then he saw the kitchen and said the place is really looking awesome.

I started to cry. He stopped and asked what was wrong. I thanked him. He had no idea how much that meant, considering he was around even last weekend, so for someone to even notice was a big deal. He had noticed right away that I had sanded and painted some more of the walls and the chaos that still was lingering last weekend was gone.

The thing is this kid, I would adopt in a heartbeat. His F left long ago and he has virtually no contact with him. He is the youngest of S's friends and has yet to turn 21. His M died a couple of years ago and he and I have spoken at length about how life kicks you and it takes time to sometimes get back on your feet. He comes to me for advice quite often and he lacks some of the basic skills sometimes that would have come if he had a good role model. I told him I hadn't forgotten I owed him cheesecake for paying off his car loan. He thought I was kidding and I told him that would be cruel, as I know he loves cheesecake.

Then I mentioned to him that I heard what he did last weekend. He downplayed it, but he went out late at night to rescue a young woman he and S are very good friends with. She is tough, but had gone out on a date with a guy and for her to say she was outright scared of this guy says it was a bad situation, as this young woman is fearless. This kid got up and drove an hour and a half away to pick her up, no questions asked. He said to me that he would do that for any person he cares about.

He sat in the kitchen and D came downstairs when she heard him. She spent time with him until S came in the door and they were off. D commented she was glad S had such good friends.

It was a quiet night and I fell asleep on the couch by 8 pm. I woke up long enough to drag myself upstairs to bed, but I was wiped out.

This morning, D and I went and picked up her car. I knew she was nervous about tomorrow, so her mood was up and down. We didn't discuss it, but she had an edge on her. We stopped on the way home at one of her favorite country stores and I followed her home. I had my own car back and while my parent's SUV is a nice change, I have missed my little "roller-skate" as S calls it. D got way ahead of me and called all worried. I laughed and said she got through the 2 stop lights and I hadn't, gaining 7 cars in between she and I after having been right behind her. And the traffic was very slow. So, she said she would meet me at home. Secretly, I was grateful and I turned onto the backroads got out of the traffic. The sun was out and the temperature was significantly warmer, so I opened the sunroof and turned up my radio.

I came home and started working on some things. S came in from work and D came downstairs. I am not even sure what the issue was, but they had a disagreement and it was escalating to a full on argument. They both asked for my opinion and I was beyond annoyed. I picked up my house keys, grabbed my coat, the dog's leash and poured my cup of coffee into a travel mug. I turned and looked a the 2 of them and said they needed to resolve this on their own, I was going out for a very long walk and they were not to call me, even if the house burned down.

It seems like forever since I have had a good walk. The dog was clearly thrilled with my decision. I needed the change and by the time I started to loop back, I realized how much I need these walks.

By the time I came home, the kids had figured their issues out and were joking with each other.

D asked what my plans were for the rest of the day. She and her BF were going to go out shopping for awhile. I told her my loose plans and said I was going to go back out at some point to wash my car. We had made plans earlier in the day to make one of D's favorite things, Cuban sandwiches, which she said we haven't made since Xh moved out. I wasn't going to debate her, but it has been a long time.

As I was working away, I realized that this weekend there was an art opening that I had wanted to go to. I started to talk myself out of it, because I really didn't want to go by myself. But, I had wanted to not only see this particular show, I knew many of the artists in this particular exhibit, including my colleagues. I went upstairs and put on a kick a$$ outfit and walked out to the garage. S and his friends stopped what they were doing. S said I clearly had somewhere special I was off to. I told him I would be home later and was off to an art opening.

The opening was in the town where D's BF lives. I had figured D was out and wouldn't be back for a bit anyways, so why would I have to let her know, as her B knew where I was. I was not going to be gone for long, so why did I have to check in. I ran into some friends outside of the gallery and didn't hear my phone the first time. One of the friends was my coordinator's H. He said the whole department was inside and they were all going out to dinner across the street and I should come along. I would have gladly gone, but I didn't even get a chance to consider it. I was inside the gallery door and talking to my other colleague when my phone rang. I excused myself and walked back outside. It was D. She went on a rant about how I hadn't told her I was going to the gallery and she happened to see me as I was going in. And who was I meeting, because I was all dressed up and she thought the guy I brought to the house was someone I liked. She was all over the place. I was seething by then. I told her we would talk about it when I got home, but I was going to be about an hour so she needed to suck it up.

I made the rounds, but I lost my enthusiasm for the whole event. I had already been wishing I had someone to enjoy it with, but the truth was, this was an important event that I really shouldn't miss. I had just forgotten to put it on my electronic calendar. I needed to be there to support my colleagues.

D sent a text wondering if we still were having dinner. I sent back a very curt response and said that was in fact the plan.

I washed my car and then went home. I came through the door and D could tell I was really not happy with her. I went into my room and barely spoke to her as I changed back into the clothes I had on earlier, so that I could continue working on the home projects. I started to go down the stairs and D made a comment that sent me over the edge. I informed her that I was not her F and I was not leaving. I told her that she could have stopped at the gallery, considering she has been there dozens of times and she might have had a conversation with me instead of getting snarky on the phone. She might have realized that I went in part because I need to be supportive of my department and while it is genuine support, it also shows I am interested in being part of that team, which helps to keep me employed, etc. She started to say she didn't realize and I told her there were a lot of things she didn't realize and jumped to conclusions. I told her I turned down several invites to make sure I came home to make dinner and as tempting as the invites were, I had made a promise to come home. I reminded her that last weekend I made time for her when she asked as well.

We had a full on get it all out on the table argument. It was not a bad thing. It needed to happen. The air needed to be cleared and I told her that I listen to her more than she thinks. She started to cry and said she is nervous about tomorrow and just needed me. I told her that had she said that to me instead of jumping all over me about where I was and what I was doing, she might have gotten a different response.

We settled down and made dinner and talked. I tried to explain to her that I understand more than she knows about needing time alone to decompress sometimes. I understand that she has anxiety and I try to be very mindful of it, but she needs to understand that in order for me to have patience and understanding there are things I need as well. Sometimes those needs are I have to have time to myself or to be around people my own age. We talked at length about how she and S sometimes don't think about the fact that I am almost always home. They go off and do their own thing, and remarkably, I am at home. Did either of them ever think that maybe the reason I am home is I don't go anywhere too often and maybe I need that, just as they do?

It came down to the final part of the discussion being about how we are all trying to figure this new life out. D admitted that when I stay out late or do things on a whim, it is a trigger. I told her I understood, but she needs to work on that, because it is not doing either of us any good. I asked her if I have ever just never come home and not let she or her B know where I was and with whom. She admitted that no, I have never done that. I told her that I will do a better job of reassuring her if need be, but she has to give me some breathing room. I told her I certainly have no interest in going out and picking up men while I am out. She laughed and said she knew better than that, as I have only ever let one man in the house for any extended period of time, and that was last weekend's guest.

I know tomorrow may be difficult for D. Part of her issue today is nerves. She says she is fine, but I know she is preparing for things to go badly. I so hope that is not the case, but who knows. Maybe Xh will shock us all. He is popping up on all the Facebook interactions with his B and S this week, so who knows. D laughed and said to me she isn't even friends with Xh on Facebook, how weird is that? My response to her was that sadly, it isn't that weird, considering the circumstances.

I am hoping maybe something positive will come out of this blow up D and I had. She and I in particular need to find some middle ground.
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Re: Trusting I am on the right path
#25: February 22, 2020, 11:47:09 PM
As my gran used to say 'better out than in'. For both of you tbh.
Your daughter's future relationships need to be free of this kind of anxiety need placed on someone else, so better she learns to manage it with you of course. And I'm sure she will.

And coffee with xh? Well none of us have high expectations do we? But who knows? Either way I suppose it will be useful information to help your daughter continue or adapt her approach towards The relationship. A kind of fact finding expedition lol. Bc whatever he currently is, is what it is as you know.
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: Trusting I am on the right path
#26: February 23, 2020, 11:18:05 AM
Treasur - We both needed a good "purge" of emotions. I don't always view arguing as a bad thing, as long as some ground rules are in place. We never call each other names and it might get heated at times, but it is a rare occurrence. It helps us flush out some of the emotions and D in particular needs to release these feelings instead of bottling them up like Xh does. She knows I won't put up with being yelled at in general, and we don't stay mad once it is out in the open.

So, D woke me up this morning. She was up early and wanted me to get up and talk before her coffee date. I really would have liked to have stayed in bed a wee bit longer as the sun was coming in through the skylights and windows and hitting the foot of my bed. The house was very quiet - I was enjoying the peaceful moments. But, I got up to make sure D was feeling secure.

She texted me after going for coffee and said it went okay and she was on her way to stop and pick up the cheesecake for S's friend. Then she informed me that Xh was on his way here to see S. He was going to pick up lunch for S and he was coming to help S clean out the garage. He told D that S seemed down lately. Uh huh. Hmmmm. Projection?

I had mixed emotions, but said okay to D. I took the dog for a walk and by the time I was at the top of the hill I could see a different car than normal pulling in, so I assumed it was Xh's new car. And just as I came upon the driveway, the cars started pulling in. The usual friends of S's who were there to help S work on his truck. I got hugs and hellos from the crew. Xh was in the garage, pacing.

The dog at first went rushing to him and he fussed over her, but she was not with him long, as she went to S's friends and stood next to the one who she likes the most.

I was suspicious about this whole visit from Xh. On the one hand, was it to see what is going on close up, as he was making comments not too long ago about the house. Was he looking to get something out of the garage. That has happened in the past. Was it him looking to be the "good guy" and show D that he was on top of this.

Or was it genuine. I stayed around because I wanted to keep an eye on things and to make sure Xh realized that he doesn't get to just show up now and invade what is my space. If he is genuine, than, yes, he can come and see the kids - within reason, but I am not sacrificing my needs for his needs - been there before.

I talked to him about teaching a little simply because I did feel a little bad about how uncomfortable S was with the 2 of us near one another. I wasn't there to torture Xh. And there was no need. He was clearly aware of how out of the loop he was.

S's one friend works for a beverage company and had given me a bottle of wine not too long ago. He asked if I had tried it yet, as he could get more for me at cost. I answered him and said that we in fact drank it last weekend and it was really very good. S's GF asked if it was as good as the winery. The other friend asked which winery and I said I had taken my company last weekend to such and such place. And as Xh was standing there, my S said that yes, I had been gone most of the weekend contributing to the delinquency of someone in law enforcement. I turned beet red and he came and gave me a huge hug and said he loved me, all the while laughing. I told them on that note I was going back in the house. I caught Xh's expression - I am not entirely sure he was processing.

Xh left shortly after that. D expressed what I was thinking. That was Xh is being shown what he has missed. If he wants to make amends, he has to realize he has missed out on a lot.

I feel a little bit of compassion for him. He has made a mess and has missed out on some of the best parts of the kids growing up. Some of the best moments have happened while he has been off living his "new and improved life". The kids that come here, most are people Xh has never met. And he brought lunch for S, but he didn't ask D if she wanted anything. He has no clue that D has developed lactose intolerance in the past couple of years. He has no idea that she rarely eats bacon, which was her favorite food growing up. He wouldn't know that now loves turkey chili and is a huge fan of anything whole grain. There is so much he has missed.

She mentioned that Xh said he heard her BF was a great guy from S. D's BF was here when Xh showed up, but he didn't go outside. D told him to stay inside and she was not ready to believe her F was genuine in his visit. The one time Xh "met" the BF was when he sought him out at the home improvement store when BF was working and recorded meeting him and sent it to D. BF has been very uncomfortable since then and D is incredibly protective of her BF. So, he was inside with me and we had a good visit. I told him not to worry as he was not being rude. Like it or not, Xh is going to have to do more than buy D a cup of coffee and bring S lunch to fix this. He is going to have to show consistency and go beyond "buying" their affection back.

And another nugget came out that had D annoyed. She mentioned at coffee, Xh gushed all about niece and nephew and seems to know all about their lives. She was not angry. And she said Xh asked a lot of questions about me.

That said, both kids' moods are noticeably a bit somber at the moment. It wasn't easy for me to see how much distance has occurred between Xh and the kids. I know how it used to be. I am not upset or rattled. In fact, I looked at him and saw a man I really no longer recognize as the man I married. No rush of emotions. It was almost like talking to someone new in the neighborhood. Very odd.

It is sad in the general sense - that this crisis, if Xh is somehow progressing forward, he took so long to even get here. But, it doesn't change my path. I no longer see him as part of my path. I am just looking at it now from the perspective of he has made such a mess of his life and I don't know if he has it in him to even try and repair things with the kids. Today had to be incredibly overwhelming, but that was reality slapping him in the face. There is no other way to fix it than to keep making efforts no matter how uncomfortable it is for him. No one is trying to make it difficult for him either, whether he realizes it or not. I could have just said he was not welcome to come here at all and made a big proclamation. It is all on him what he does with that little bit of safety net I threw him. And he had best realize that that life line was only for the kids, I want no part of going back.
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Re: Trusting I am on the right path
#27: February 23, 2020, 04:54:39 PM
I am still processing some of the things that came out of Xh's mouth in the short time that I saw him.

He mentioned seeing my uncle's widow where he teaches. How she is a brilliant woman, but he hasn't seen her in awhile.

Hmmm, no, but I see her quite often and she said she sees Xh in the hall, but really doesn't speak to him. She has very little interaction with him, nor does she really have anything to say to him. She knows the story. If he did talk to her at any length, he would know she is in the midst of planning for a large exhibit and has been visiting my cousin on the west coast as much as she can.

But, clearly Xh was trying to find something to connect with.

I told him I had his former student. At first he couldn't place her and then when he did, he gushed about how great she was. He said she was very timid and incredibly talented. I said I hadn't really encountered her timid side, perhaps she has blossomed. He mentioned she worked with a friend of his as an intern. He of course didn't say who it was, and I said I heard. I could see he was fidgeting. Yah, he should feel uncomfortable - it isn't tough to know it was OW  ::) He then perked up and told me if I had any students that were good students to send him his way, he is looking for interns. He made the comment that I always found him really worthy interns in the past who had been my students - they were always well prepared.

I am not used to Xh being complimentary. I am suspicious now of his nice comments. Throughout the MLC they were followed by gaslighting and manipulation.

Do I think there was a little sincerity - yes, because it is in fact the truth. His best interns came from my classes in the past and I knew which one's were not only talented, but could handle Xh's high expectations and temperament. But, that was before MLC and when he and I had actually not only worked together in life, but career wise as well. We complimented each other's styles and somehow worked.

Will I send him students now? I doubt it. If they somehow come to me and say they crossed paths with him, I won't steer them away, but I am not desiring to go back to working with him even in a professional manner. I don't trust him on that level either anymore. And, frankly, I am very guarded about my marriage and the destruction there of being part of my professional life. In many ways, I just want to move away from MLC more and more. It is my history and I don't want it jading my future.

But, it was odd that he acted like nothing has happened between us. His conversation was as if we have somehow moved on into some new realm that I didn't know had happened. And it is not that I expect an apology or acknowledgment, but I didn't exactly get the memo that "oh, yah, that MLC thing, forget that happened - it's all good now". Hmmm - not ready to jump into believing I am seeing some big turn around.

And again, for the sake of the kids and for Xh, I hope it is. But, today just made me see how I am content with where my path is leading in comparison to where I was.

Once he left, I went back to painting the living room and thinking about some changes I am going to make. One of the first things I did was paint one of the walls a much darker color. It is the same color I had painted on the wall where the fireplace is positioned and at first it shocked D when I put it on the wall adjacent to the fireplace. That wall has always been painted in lighter colors. I wanted a cozier space and the living room is quite large so it can easily handle a darker wall, especially when the room has windows and french doors letting tons of light in. The first stroke of paint, I questioned my decision, but I held to the plan and once I had the door trimmed in and some paint on about a third of the wall, I was satisfied. That wall has always bothered me, as it has a large open area just screaming for something. As I was looking at it, I remembered years ago we had a very large antique school clock that hung by the door. I loved that clock and the kids faithfully used it as they could see it from the kitchen. I can't remember why it was removed, but it dawned on me, it is hanging in my art studio now. I may move it back to upstairs, but maybe something else will end up on the wall.

And I realized that I have several pieces of art in storage that may now be perfect in the living room. One being the last painting my friend started and never finished before she passed away. I am going to be bringing some of my pieces upstairs to see what makes sense.

What also is going is the buffet that Xh and I bought years ago. It no longer makes any sense in this room. It is an antique, but I am ready to repurpose it. It was from the 40's and is solid wood, but the sides were veneer. I am tired of the piece, but not so much that I can't see it becoming something else. It is not something with a huge value to it, so I am not destroying a valuable heirloom. Instead, I am thinking of bringing down one of the 2 antique pieces I refinished and updated that have been in storage.

D has been baking all day and made dinner tonight. I would have been just as happy with a salad and a cup of tea.

The dog and I came back from a very long second walk. My legs are feeling it, but it is a good feeling. I need to get back to my routine. I need it physically as well as mentally.
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M
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Re: Trusting I am on the right path
#28: February 23, 2020, 05:40:17 PM
Only my kid - LMAO. Some kids go off to college and try and grow marijuana plants in their dorm. Nope, not my kid. He has no interest in that, instead he and his roommate came up with a brilliant plan to grow corn in their room, to give as gifts to their professors at the end of the semester. They thought it was an appropriate gift being an agricultural program.

So, this past Monday, they bought the little starter cups for seedlings and were so proud of themselves, as they had gathered field corn from across the road from our house the weekend before. They have the perfect dorm room conditions this year. When S told me, I laughed and said I couldn't wait to see how this turns out. S started to noodle through this weekend and he realized they might have to think about how to transfer these plants, as the root systems get to be about 3 ft in length, not to mention how tall they get. But, you know, they have time to think about that - LOL.

Ah, well, S just got back to his dorm after being home all weekend and those little plants popped right up alright, he said some are already close to a foot tall and corn can grow pretty rapidly. He is laughing saying they are going to have to move the plants to the middle of the room. He and I spent a long time coming up with marketing ideas. A new "green" dorm room privacy screen. Corn mazes were in there. He realized he should have thought about planting popcorn variety instead of regular field corn, although he said with the heat still on for a couple of months that could have proven to be a bigger problem.

He and his roommate will figure it out. We have had a very good time laughing. He informs me he shared it with Xh, but Xh doesn't quite see the humor in all of it. S asked me what happened with Xh, he used to laugh a lot at some pretty stupid things. He then thanked me for still laughing at such lame things.

I am not sure if that is meant as a compliment - LOL
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« Last Edit: February 23, 2020, 05:41:51 PM by MourningDove »

M
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Re: Trusting I am on the right path
#29: February 24, 2020, 08:08:27 AM
I had incredibly weird, vivid dreams last night. All pretty disturbing and unsettling, although I don't recall much of the content, now as I didn't write anything down. I just know my blankets were off the bed and I woke up multiple times during the night. Most mornings I can crawl out of bed and just tidy up my bedding because I am not usually restless.

It made it tough getting up this morning. The sun was out and it is supposed to be nearly 50 all week with one drop midweek, but back up again by the weekend.

I had a hard time kicking my brain into high school mode this morning.

My students were all having similar issues. Fortunately, it seems like the illnesses that were lurking before class are gone, so the break helped in that regards. But, none of them were even remotely enthusiastic this morning. I gave the first class an in class assignment. An easy one to just warm them up. The second class, that was a bit of a challenge. I gave them their "marching orders" and some did the work, others were zoned out. I just let them do their thing today and tomorrow I will apply the pressure to get back into the swing of things. As it is my Monday class is never the full class anyways, with some of the students in other college courses. Giving the new assignment today would mean going over the information yet again tomorrow, so the Monday after a holiday is always a challenge. Normally, Mondays are the day they all have to work on projects or to catch up.

It was nearing the end of the class period when In strolled my coworker. He chatted with a couple of students and I gave him a look of "what's up" because he usually comes through and looks at all of their work, giving them feedback. Today, he didn't spend the time doing that and just sat down next to me. I joked with him that he must have heard I was giving out cheesecake yesterday, which prompted him to say that he was upset I hadn't brought him a slice. I asked him if he had paid off his car loan yet. He laughed and said that would be one expensive slice of cheesecake.

The students were gone and I asked if he was okay. He said he was going to ask me the same thing. I told him my Xh showed up yesterday and it was just odd. My weird dreams and lack of sleep were throwing me off a little. He informed me that he is being offered that job they wanted him to interview for, but now they want him to possibly start ASAP. He has mixed emotions. He said he would be moved to a different location, not sure where at this point. It might mean leaving his students midway through the year and that bothers him.

But, I could tell he was troubled by something else. We rarely talk about personal things at work. He told me he is really trying to adjust to being a full time dad of a 3 year old because his STBX was fighting for full custody at first, but now she switched to 50/50, but he said all of February, she has only had the kid for 2 days and 2 hours. I knew about the 2 days earlier this month, as that would have been the weekend he went away with his friends skiing. I picked up on the 2 hours. He said yah, she was supposed to have him this weekend. She picked him up and took him to a museum, one he loves going to. She Face-timed my coworker as they were eating lunch and she had ordered something for the kid to eat and he didn't want it. She was angry with him for not eating his lunch. My coworker said that he told her that the kid got sick after the last time he ate that particular thing, and while it was a stomach virus, he now associates getting sick with that particular item. She should know this. He said she ended up dropping him off back at my coworker's house after 2 hours and said he could have him all weekend, she had things to do. He said he has no problem being a dad, but it is bothering him that he has to fight for custody now.

We talked about how it is tough when you loved someone and now you are gathering "evidence" to essentially use against them. It is not an easy pill to swallow.

And then I made him laugh when I pulled something out of my bag. He was ready to steal it from me, but I told him I would pick him up a copy. I had brought in a bunch of books that are "design wise" incredible books to show examples of typography and design. There aren't too many of my students who have seen some of these, but I should have known my coworker would know "The Stinky Cheeseman".

He thanked me for making him laugh and was off to his classes.

On my way home, I thought about this insanity when it comes to the kids in some of these situations. I will never understand in my situation how Xh could walk away from the kids in essence. Or how he favored one over the other and then comes back like it is no big deal. Nor will I ever understand how people use kids as if they are bargaining chips. In my coworker's case, it is clear his STBX has never really wanted to be a mom. She wants the money, but not the responsibility, nor does she really want to handle the day to day parenting stuff. She wants the fluff, if that. So, why not give the kid to the person who does want him and visit the kid? Why disrupt the kid's life that way? As a M, I just don't get it, at all. It is probably the part of these situations that infuriates me the most. And while I don't like the idea of a parent abandoning their kids, I am not sure the in and out of their lives is a better solution. I just wish those people with all of their issues would quit using the kids as emotional battering rams. The level of self absorption is sickening. Anyone on the outside can see how F'ed up that is to want custody, but only on paper.

In my coworker's case, it is a huge change in his life. And he said awhile ago, it isn't easy when he wants adult interaction, as his priority and responsibility is to take care of his son. I told him it is not easy being the only sane parent, and I suppose I am fortunate my kids are older. It would have been so much tougher if they were younger, IMO. I guess for that, I should be grateful that if Xh was going to go into crisis, he waited until at least the kids were more self-sufficient.
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