Skip to main content

Author Topic:  How long did it take for you to "see" yourself?

  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1082
  • Gender: Male
How long did it take for you to "see" yourself?
OP: February 17, 2020, 03:48:08 PM
Something that has really surprised me about MLC/LBS is the area of growth in getting to know yourself.

Each day I learn something new: Sometimes big, normally small..... but it all adds up.
To see yourself as you really are is something I think most people will never actually accomplish in their life..... so in that aspect, MLC/LBS is really amazing.
When something is revealed and you "lean" on it (to see if it holds) that is such a strange and solidifying experience. Who are you? What do you really believe? What are the lines in the sand which you will not cross.... and when they are crossed, what then? Redraw your lines? Take a stand? Who are you really? What is actually important and not superficial like the things we always thought were so absolute. What actually is absolute? What you do actually want out of life? What can you expect? What can you hope for? What is left? What is the cost of everything? What is gained? What is lost? How does the new compare to the old? Is ignorance or innocence preferable to knowledge? Where do I fit?

These are some of the questions I've had, and I certainly know soooooo much more about myself now than before....... superficial before, and now deep (and going deeper). I do like more understanding, but the world certainly takes on a different hue when looking at it with new eyes. I can see why people are unable to heal and remain damaged, and how so many people are deeply hurt and stuck. Very sad.... BUT it gives me hope. Hope that seeing trouble allows someone to deal with trouble, or to help others who are stuck in trouble. I don't believe we are put thru this to merely save ourselves, but to see others and help them stagger forward. THAT makes it worth it: To help others that are lost, stuck, unable to move...... to grab them, encourage them, become an opportunity to help someone what otherwise but just be sinking in their own quicksand. What an honor.

How odd that the thing our MLC'ers need to do, is what we not only have to do, but do it first. Completely.

I don't know if this ever ends (I don't think it does), but there is a sense about "getting there" and about "how far you've come thus far".

Know what I mean?


  • Logged
W - 39
M - 43
Together 25 years, M 22
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 3411
  • Gender: Female
  • "You must do the thing you think you can not do."
Re: How long did it take for you to "see" yourself?
#1: February 17, 2020, 04:46:20 PM
Ha!  Love this.

Because my attitude (s) about MLC have changed drastically.  Going into this, I thought anyone who Stood post-divorce was nuts, let alone those who Stood post-remarriage.  I really thought that they needed their heads examined.

Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined that I would be one of “those” people. And I still expect to backtrack, but never do.

One more day...then another...and another....
  • Logged
« Last Edit: February 17, 2020, 04:47:48 PM by megogirl »

  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 480
  • Gender: Female
Re: How long did it take for you to "see" yourself?
#2: February 17, 2020, 05:35:16 PM
SS, I do! I love that you posted about this; I’ve been thinking quietly about these things for the past two days.

What is important now? Take only what you can carry. What is meaningful? What still works? What do I like? Haven’t I always liked that? Does it matter what anyone else thinks about it? I forgot how much I loved this. Oh, and this also. What is true of me now? And what has always been true? What was and is true, no matter what anyone else ever said?

I deliberately shut off from h about two months ago. It might have been a last-ditch move on my part; I felt I wasn’t going to survive much longer, if I kept hearing from him. And I feel like I am just recently beginning to see myself again, with real fairness and clarity.

I like what I see. I like who I am. I did before this, too, but somehow both the MLC facts and what he kept telling me about myself really obscured my self understanding.

Why I would weather his bad perceptions at all, I just don’t know. But the longer he is away, the more clearly I know, I won’t suffer it again. If he can’t or won’t perceive me clearly, or prefers making up bizarre stories about who or how I am, or what I am or am not capable of, he can stay away. Right now I am seeing me and just rejoicing that I am still who and how I thought I was ...but also, now, BETTER.

His MLC has been going on for a long time. The very worst of it was the BD and moveaway with ow2 in summer of 2017. So it’s taken me about ? 2.5 years? to shudder out of the worst of it, and to get back to myself in a way that feels strong and assured. Concertedly, it’s taken deliberate efforts over the past two months, to get myself fully right again.

I’m still not there yet, but oh my gosh, I am so much closer and clearer and so much happier than I’ve been in years. I know I will still cycle and that I will still grouse, but it feels different now. The more I realize again that I still enjoy this or that, have *always* enjoyed this or that, and realize that no one is here to tell me anymore that I can’t or it’s stupid or it’s weird or that I am?

The more I just see that Me in the mirror, and understand that some parts of me will probably never change, and probably never should, and that there is no one on God’s green earth who can take those things away from me.

All I can say is that after so much havoc and pain, I am finally at a place emotionally or psychologically where I can see fully that I have been a really great companion to myself in this journey. It’s kind of a strange thought, but, I see that it’s true.

So in a way, I newly love myself for loving myself. I don’t think I would ever choose to do this life passage again, and it’s a good thing we don’t have to. But if I had to, I now know fully that I can trust myself with it all, no matter what.

I am continually SO SURPRISED at having come this far and to find that key parts of me that I needed to change, have in fact changed quite a lot without me even seeing it, and to find also that key parts of me that I *never* wanted to change, have in fact not changed. If anything, they have deepened and become refined. And it’s clearer to me now, that among those, there are themes in me that will come further forward and become ...Something Even More Valuable.

I don’t know what that will be, or when. But I definitely see that all this experience has hewn away a lot that didn’t need to be, anymore, and created a different, subtler, stronger, better shape. My hope is that everyone getting through midlife, whether crisis or just transition, finds this too. I’m not sure I would call it a Rebirth, although maybe it is one.

Just, finally, one’s own Self, shining again.

So when you’re going through he11 — KEEP GOING.
  • Logged

  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 897
  • Gender: Male
Re: How long did it take for you to "see" yourself?
#3: February 17, 2020, 08:40:43 PM
How long did it take me to see myself.... that's a hard one as I'm still in the progress (acknowledging it likely never fully stops).... I know when the process started (at night of BD), after that it has taken many shapes and sizes that have all allowed myself to mirror what I am.  It is pretty much a daily process/work for me these days.

Like most things in life this is both a blessing and a curse.

  • Logged
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years
Me: 43, W: 41 (Acts 20-25) - a low energy live-in wallower
BD ("I don't love you"): Feb 2019, 
BD2 ("I don't want to fix this marriage."... D filed May 2020
Kids (at time of BD): G19,G18,G14,G12,S5

*** Every person on the planet is like you - a human being, most likely doing the best they can. Some are just more in control of themself than others ***
*** There are things you control and things you can't control, but what you can control is your attitude towards things you can't control. ***
*** You're not going to master the rest of your life in one day. So relax. Master the present day. Then just keep doing that every day. ***
*** Without trust fear is the only possibility. Place your trust in your own wings. ***


Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (, and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.