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Author Topic: My Story Keep Your Head Up

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My Story Keep Your Head Up
#70: June 02, 2020, 08:00:12 AM
Just getting caught up, FW. 

I did enjoy the pics of you and the kids that you posted on FB.   

I hope the walking is helping.  I did (and still do) miles and miles of walking as therapy and quiet time.  I don't listen to music, books, or podcasts.  I just use the time to be outside and to let my mind and body do what they need to do. 

I hope you are able to get some camping in.  Right now it's pretty limited in my state.  The state parks are open for day use but no over night camping yet. 
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BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

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Keep Your Head Up
#71: June 02, 2020, 11:36:03 PM
Nice to hear from you SB!  I did just return from a camping trip this past weekend with my B, SIL and nephew.  It was really nice.  The reservoir was calm as glass Saturday morning when we went out and then we went out and paddle boarded again later in the evening.  It was a bit choppy due to wind but settled down by the time we got across the lake.  Great exercise with a combination of standing up, kneeling and sitting, working different muscles for each and even did some paddle board yoga in the morning excursion.

I took next Thu and Fri off and am headed camping again to another Reservoir.  I think S15 and possibly D18 will make it there too.  We will bunk in with my B, SIL and nephew again and have some friends with a site reserved next door.  I waffled back and forth on reserving a 3rd spot and pulling my tent trailer but waited too long and the spots were taken.  It will actually be easier not to pull the pop up camper, just a bit cramped for sleeping quarters.

Right now due to report cards going out in the mail (I run each one through a stamping machine) I am at work full days.  It will be nice to have a 4 day weekend and then hopefully go back into being in the office 1/3 of the time until we open our doors to the public July 1st.

So far I have been able to keep correspondence with MLCer to a minimum and no unwanted sightings of his pandemic marriage partner.  Someone mentioned that the marriage license might not even be valid since they had 17 year olds sign as witnesses.  Who knows?  Not my circus, not my monkeys.

D17 became D18 last week and S19 became S20.  We got to go to lunch with him on his birthday.  I didn't get to see D18 on her birthday as she opted to spend the night with her cousin and then went to her F's after work that evening, (I just saw her in passing in our cars as she was headed to work but she didn't see me), but we had a party out at the lake Memorial Weekend and finished up with cake at my BFF's house.

When D18 came back she said that her F and FOO had a combined birthday/graduation party for her last Saturday, so I'm a bit relieved that happened, as former MIL and I had talked about a dual party prior to the covid crisis and suprise wedding.  So this takes me off the hook to invite any of them to my B's for her party in July on the day of her actual graduation.  It's still up in the air what the graduation will look like, but I'm hoping I still won't have to interact with pandemic marriage partner.  Fingers crossed.
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M-42
H-44
S-20 (mine)
D-18 (ours)
S-15 (ours)
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17 (told me 4 days before)
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
New GF 2/29/20 (Told me 4/22/20)
Marrying her 4/24/20 (Told me 4/22/20)

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11404.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

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Keep Your Head Up
#72: June 03, 2020, 12:03:50 PM
Faith,

Just catching up.  All I can say is WOW.  You have been put through the wringer recently.

Despite all of it, you still manage to rise above it all.  You are a STRONG woman and and an even stronger role model for your kids.  KUDOS to you!

As for the marriage....can we start to take bets on how long it will last? Two months of knowing each other?  His history?  She sees nothing wrong with all of this?  Sounds like the perfect MLC storm is abrewing and somthing is gonna blow!

Eventually the blinders will come off!  Watch out and stay out of that path!

As for your kids...wow are they insightful.  Sad they are learning lesson this early in life but yet they are learning and you are there to support them!  Lucky kids!

Sending you cyber hugs!  I have confidence that you will put this behind you too. Take care!  Sam

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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

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Keep Your Head Up
#73: June 10, 2020, 12:11:04 PM
Thank you Sam!
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M-42
H-44
S-20 (mine)
D-18 (ours)
S-15 (ours)
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17 (told me 4 days before)
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
New GF 2/29/20 (Told me 4/22/20)
Marrying her 4/24/20 (Told me 4/22/20)

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11404.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

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Keep Your Head Up
#74: June 10, 2020, 09:51:13 PM
I love Summer because it starts with my birthday, then D's birthday, then S's birthday, and it's always such a lovely time with lots of activities to go and do.  I have been on the lakes a lot lately and it has been so nice getting the paddle boards out.  But once I am back home, I feel like I am treading water and will forever be treading water, if I don't get tired and drown at some point.  Things are breaking, the car needs this, the house needs that, and I get wracked with such melancholy, or go off into nostalgia for the past that creates such a yearning in me that it physically hurts.  Ex H was always good at household repairs, car repairs, etc.  I'm not good in that department. 

Lately it feels like I take one step forward and three steps back.  I can be having a great day, making plans, doing things, etc.  At work this morning, the Security Director came in and said good morning and remarked about how I am always so chipper, and just a breath of fresh air.  And I feel like a phony, because when I come home, and I'm by myself, I just look at my bed, and I go hop in it.  My bed was a place that I spent hours during the D because it was my safe space, my then divorcing me MLCer rarely came in there, and I would hide away in there.  The kids would come in and crawl in with me and we would watch movies on my laptop.   And now, I just turn to it whenever I am feeling down.  And I get 0 motivation to do anything.  I know part of it is the pandemic, part of it is the wedding, but things are just going to crap.  Where is the righteous anger that I need right now to propel me forward?  The yard and back patio were so lovely last year, to sit out in and sip coffee and look at all the flowers growing.  This year, the patio is a wreck, dead leaves and debris still strewn about, the weeds are out of control and I can't see to get a handle on things or make this a lovely place for us to hang out.  I have zero energy or motivation.

Tomorrow we leave for a camping trip with my brother and some friends of ours.  It will be great to get out and spend time with them and everything will be great.  But as soon as I come home, it's back to the melancholy.  I know I need to give myself some grace, but I feel more like I need to shame myself into taking action and doing something about the situation.  I can't seem to find that mirror work that I profited from so much in the beginning of my journey. 

Most of the time I am either caught in the past or thinking about the future.  But I've been seeing so many things that have tried to remind me to live in the now.  But I can't see to find any satisfaction in it.  I feel bad for my kids.  They are dealing with half a woman, half a shadow right now.  Why is this so hard?  Why do MLCers make burning everything down and starting over look so easy?  It's never going to be easy for me.  I am just not wired that way I guess.

Today out of no where I was triggered so bad.  For no reason a vision of my S20 (when he was S17) just standing there in the bathroom swallowing down pain pill after pain pill until the entire bottle was empty wiggled it's way into my head and I was thrown back into the turmoil of that time.  Of finding out he had done that and was in the hospital having his life saved.  It came out of nowhere.  And it rocked me.  Maybe I need to move.  Maybe it's this house that is the problem.  Dark and twisty.  It's been absorbing our pain for the last 4 years and it's spitting it back out at us.  Okay that seems far-fetched, I'm just struggling.  This too shall pass.
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M-42
H-44
S-20 (mine)
D-18 (ours)
S-15 (ours)
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17 (told me 4 days before)
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
New GF 2/29/20 (Told me 4/22/20)
Marrying her 4/24/20 (Told me 4/22/20)

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11404.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

M
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Re: Keep Your Head Up
#75: June 10, 2020, 10:10:39 PM
Sorry to hear that you're feeling down but not surprised with all that you're going through.

I have a suggestion. Forget about shaming yourself into making changes. Instead, treat yourself by making changes. Start by doing little things for yourself that will give you pleasure and make your life better. Then start thinking about the bigger things like the patio. But don't do these things because you feel that you have to do them. Do them because you deserve to have pleasant things that you enjoy in your life.

I hope this helps. It's been working for me and I've been a pretty hopeless case. OTOH, if anyone deserves nice things, it's you.
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Keep Your Head Up
#76: June 10, 2020, 10:27:04 PM
Ah, faith.....yes, it will pass, these patches always do.
But that doesn't mean it's not disheartening when they pop up.

Imho, it is a kind of trauma residue. Like an echo.
I think you instinctively put your finger on it though..I found the medicine for that half past/half future feeling is to do something small which forces me into Just Now. For me it was walking and gardening....very small tangible things where I could say 'well, the past might feel like s$it and the future a scary unknown, but look I now have a rose planted and that young blackbird is beautiful to watch and my lettuces are growing'  :) sounds silly, a life made of such small things but imho they work like bricks in a path that leads you forward.

And I love Brain's idea of treat rather than shame.... :)

And the 'how can MLCers skip off without much apparent suffering?' Well, they just seem to be very good at displacement, distraction and disassociation lol. Which is why they shut down and run to find some happy shiny while we dig in and do the mirror work of dealing with how we feel. Chalk and cheese, trying to measure yourself against a psychologically unhealthy person imho. And tbh - other than a glimmer of acknowledgement or validation perhaps - it is probably true that his suffering would not change much about yours at all now. You would still have to grieve your losses, make oeace with the trauma and build that path forward anyway....a suffering MLCer probably would just mean the additional burden of a self pitying broken self centred Stuck person wanting your sympathy and magic fixes  ::)

I am sorry for your yuk patch. I know they suck. But I also know that you will pick yourself up again bc you have done before. This too will pass. And better things are further along that path  :)
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: Keep Your Head Up
#77: June 11, 2020, 01:35:00 AM
Oh, Faith, just sending you big hugs. Everyone else has already given you great advice. You are facing a new BD so of course you will be drawn back to the sadness or the echoes of the pain from the first BD. And then the injustice we feel because our MLCers do appear to run off to their shiny, whilst we are left with weeds to clean up. But as Treasur said, we are doing our mirror work, are facing the pain and destruction, facing our own issues, and that is tough. Our MLCers are escaping from all this stuff by finding new ways to avoid thinking about it. Tomorrow you go camping and that will be a lot of fun, and as you say yourself, you know it's temporary, it's a distraction from your pain that you will have to face again once you return home. You have some ideas that might be worth pursuing, as in moving to a new home which will have no reminders in it. Actually, for me, a new home was a great way to rediscover myself. I was able to choose everything freely as I would want it. But even if you decide to stay in your home, you could always give it a slap of paint to brighten it up, move the furniture around so it's not exactly like when your H was at home.  And the garden, which from your memories of last summer, seems to be a place that's good for you, could you not start by sweeping the patio and nothing more? The first brick so to speak? In Italian we say 'L'appetito viene mangiando' which means that you're not hungry until you take the first bite and start eating.

And you are not a phony at work, you are a lovely co-worker, who doesn't bring her problems to work, who doesn't act like the victim seeking people's attention. I suspect people feel good around you. Most people have problems of some kind, so to go to work and find someone like you, can really make a difference to someone's day.

Faith, this will pass. Now fully immerse yourself in your trip. May it be the first of new prospects for the future. x
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

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Keep Your Head Up
#78: June 11, 2020, 05:59:46 AM
Reading your post took me back to 2 years ago when I received a text saying that he was divorcing me...9 years after BD...shouldn't have been a big deal, but it was. I was in therapy at the time but had been planning to end it and then WHAM. I disintegrated quite badly.

The lack of motivation is common when you have undergone yet another major effect from your MLCer's actions. We have emotions and feelings and a heart...what they do deeply hits us.....


I am back in therapy right now, some related to the pandemic and world issues but the major one is him....and my question this time is "what is it with me that I allow him to affect me still?". I too wanted to sell my home and "run" as far away as possible but I have been able to work that out in therapy...that may be the answer for you but it also may be the "solution" that comes to mind to try and end the pain that you are experiencing.

Long winded but what I want to say to you is that his marriage has shattered your heart once again, there really is only so much we can deal with and our bodies "shut down"  to allow healing to occur if that makes sense. Yet we remain in a high level of alert because we anticipate that something else can go wrong.

So glad you are going camping. Being out in nature really helps.

Your yard sounds like it was a sanctuary for you...if you pick this one area, and it's outside and tell yourself to go out for 15 minutes, just 15 minutes to work on it..perhaps buy a pot with some flowers in it....I often look down at the garbage bag I have half filled and look at the "clearing" of the space, even in that little bit of time and feel a sense of "pleasure". The "beauty" that I have created on my deck, which is what I look out onto a great deal...really is calming to me.

Don't be so hard on yourself. When you come to your home and are feeling this way, the memories of what a home and family are supposed to be are very real.

I know this will pass....but in the meantime, it seems endless.

Big HUG!!!!!! Praying for your comfort and peace.

Enjoy your camping trip!!!!!!



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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

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Keep Your Head Up
#79: June 11, 2020, 07:17:06 AM
FW - I sure get it.  It is all so overwhelming at times that we just shut down and can't seem to find our way through the darkness. 

Many times my frustration and discouragement has reached high levels when things break, or I can't do the things that need to be done (that were always taken care of by him).   Like many others, I've learned to do lots of things I never thought I'd ever do (run a chainsaw as an example).   Sometimes it makes me feel a huge sense of accomplishment and pride and other times I just feel tired and discouraged because the chores never end and it's work I struggle doing. 

Yes, you need to give yourself some grace, and you know that.  Doing it is something else entirely. 

I, too, wonder how they can burn everything down, start over and make it look so easy.   I like Treasur's thinking on this.....they are very good at displacement, distraction, and disassociation. 

Sending support and encouragement.   Enjoy the camping.  I know it's sure therapy that works for me! 
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BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

 

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