[nah]

Hmmm... I would like to weigh in on this topic before reading other responses.

We met as teenagers and our journey seemed as one for 30 years. We married, had and raised kids together, lived in the same houses, went on the same vacations, holidays, even ate the same meals and slept at the same times.
Then at some point he decided to keep secrets and live a double life.

Once he left we went through a divorce at the same time but it was very different for each of us. He ran and hid, I didn’t want to let go. I craved for his attention, he didn’t even want to look at me.
Once our paths separated, I don’t feel like we have had parallel journeys. But how would I know?  He’s out of my life.
I have changed a lot since 2013. Way more independent, confident, too many experiences to list. I have shed dozens of relationships that used to be connected with him. Mostly in-laws, who I thought of as family are now only distant memories. I have many new relationships, coworkers from other states, some I feel like they are family, we keep in close touch. My career has sky-rocketed more than I could have ever imagined, something that would have been impossible with him. I have spent countless hours over the years trying to make sense of everything that has happened, learning about human behavior, trying to figure out why he (and others) decided to betray me. Was it all about them? In the process, I learned many things about myself.
Could he possibly be traveling a parallel journey of self discovery? Working to make himself a better man? I guess it’s possible but the only way his journey still has any impact on my life is his connections to our children. We will always have that connection.
My mother and son spend a lot of time together. She said the other day my son said his father and that whole side of the family has “mental issues”.
I feel at this point if our paths ever cross again, I’ll be the one running the other way as fast as I can

[marvin4242]

Treasur: I am 3 years out from initial BD, but I would say I had many advantages compared to so many that allowed me to minimize the damage. So in no way am I being naive or saying that people should just pick themselves up and go (which btw I know is not what you were thinking). Sadly I realize that some LBSes (just like MLCers) may take so much damage and face so many obstacles, maybe even compounded by their earlier traumas, that recovery may never happen. This is not said in any hopeless or negative sense, but unfortunately it is a reality.

But there is a lot of truth in the psychological tenant that how we frame our experience will have a very large impact on it. To clarify what I was saying is that if we can start framing correctly where we find ourselves, that as you said we are also no longer the same person, that as hard as it is the past is gone and we have to start moving, at any rate at all, towards our new selves, it will mitigate the damage of the experience. This is not denial of the truth, the pain, the loss, the grieving, and the day to day challenges. Its more about what we can do to lessen the pain. In my opinion even if turning our head in the right direction only helps 5% then it is 5% better than nothing.

I think in the longer term the consistent framing has more of a positive impact that may be visible in the day to day. I know in my experience for all the bad days, of feeling shattered, sad, lost, the underlying trauma work and constant framing away from the past did create a foundation that kicked in at some point. I didn’t see the bits and pieces as they were shifting.

I also should have used a clearer word than “parallel.” I didn’t mean to imply any similarities or movement alongside each other. I was more trying to say that we also are kicked off on a path to finding a different version of ourselves. Because the old version no longer exists, not just because we lose a relationship, but as has been observed so often we lose some basic beliefs and feeling of safety and maybe even externalizing our own well being that we will (and maybe should) never do again.

[Treasur]

In my opinion even if turning our head in the right direction only helps 5% then it is 5% better than nothing

I agree completely, Marvin. In a way, it is an act of faith isn't it? Finding a different frame. And imho faith spanks the bottom of hope  And your comment about not seeing the pieces as they were shifting? That was my experience too. A long time of sludge and then a kind of momentum that kicked in.

[Evermore]

You know all those threads/posts that ask what is the purpose of this forum? Threads like this are the answer.

[OffRoad]

I also should have used a clearer word than “parallel.” I didn’t mean to imply any similarities or movement alongside each other. I was more trying to say that we also are kicked off on a path to finding a different version of ourselves. Because the old version no longer exists, not just because we lose a relationship, but as has been observed so often we lose some basic beliefs and feeling of safety and maybe even externalizing our own well being that we will (and maybe should) never do again.

Thank you, Marvin. That makes more sense to me. Choosing anything going forward rather than clinging to the past also makes sense to me because the past is the past. You can stand and still look forward. Choose therapy and still look forward, even while resolving the past. Choose a different relationship and still look forward. Choose no relationship and still look forward. Mix and match any of those and still look forward.  Because our lives go forward to the future, even if we are turned around looking backwards. The difference is that if someone is focused on the past,  they might miss something ahead of them that would be something they could enjoy. It's possible that something could be the spouse or ex spouse as they become in the future, but it's still ahead of you, not behind you.

In the beginning of all this, it's so hard to see further ahead than the next day. Some people get the added benefit of PTSD from previous experiences in their lives. If I could recommend anything to anyone, it would be akin to the old adage "put on your own oxygen mask first". The truth is you have to find what your oxygen mask looks like and where to find it before it can help you. That is the individual experience, the one there is no formula for. So I'd modify my recommendation to "Identify, locate and deploy your oxygen mask first". For those who are not good with idioms, Identify what will help you in this situation that you have any control to access, locate who/what/where this help can be found, head that direction as soon as you are able.

[Treasur]

If I could recommend anything to anyone, it would be akin to the old adage "put on your own oxygen mask first". The truth is you have to find what your oxygen mask looks like and where to find it before it can help you. That is the individual experience, the one there is no formula for.

This ^^^^^

[Treasur]

This link talks about 're-narrating our own story'.....which seems to me to be where the light in the recovery tunnel and looking forward seems to start, much as others describe https://www.counseling.org/resources/library/vistas/2008-V-Print-complete-PDFs-for-ACA/Abernathy_Article_19.pdf

I also think that a deep acceptance that you and your ex/spouse are now on completely separate paths and storylines is a prerequisite for that. And often an unwelcome one that we fight against for a while.

[marvin4242]

This link talks about 're-narrating our own story'.....which seems to me to be where the light in the recovery tunnel and looking forward seems to start, much as others describe https://www.counseling.org/resources/library/vistas/2008-V-Print-complete-PDFs-for-ACA/Abernathy_Article_19.pdf

I also think that a deep acceptance that you and your ex/spouse are now on completely separate paths and storylines is a prerequisite for that. And often an unwelcome one that we fight against for a while.

Thank you for an excellent link!