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Author Topic: My Story Another Day in MLC-land 6

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My Story Another Day in MLC-land 6
#20: March 25, 2020, 11:26:32 AM
Hi Mego-

Just saw your question on dropping the rope.  The answer is you just do.  Your situation is no different than many of us, the age of the child, I believe makes it harder when they are smaller.  I know you're hurting and I totally get that.  It's time to let go.  Anyone can find reasons to say they still must do this and that. You've even told us he sexually assaulted you I believe?  Sorry if I got that wrong.

Now it becomes not a question of why he is doing what he is doing.  It becomes a question of why we would allow the abuse? I'm going to point out something else and only you can look inward to decide your truth.  We must at some point ask why is abuse in any form ok?  That is a red flag that there are deep codependency issues intertwined.  You can begin at home right now by reading online about codependency.  It becomes a deflection to avoid facing what needs changed.  That can't be blamed on anyone but the person allowing it.  People will only get away with as much as we allow.  Yes, it's sooooo hard to detach off the life we once knew.  It became a habit.  Habits are addictive.  We convinced ourselves this was love. One can glorify the bad behavior and justify the abuser one minute.  Then they are raging mad and shocked that it keeps happening, It's almost like the abused is vortexed in to take the ride until there's so much drama that emotional injury becomes physical.

No one who values themselves should let it escalate that high all for the sake of love.  If he was hitting you over the head with literal 2 x 4's or his fists, you would strike back out of protection, but then what?  You (this example of you is anyone) look around and notice the kids have witnessed verbal, emotional and physical abuse.  Then what?  Their slate of life has been written on with no one to make that better.   Then the abuser convinces you if only you had done this or that, I wouldn't have had to do that. Ok??? Now ask what the kids are seeing times 2 parents.  Because the absused isn't showing the kids they don't want anything to do with this type of unhealthy lifestyle and that it's not acceptable, period.  The kids start having to live with the abused ones justification that they have to fight back.  It's a vicious cycle that is dangerous.  A great reason we leave the MLC'r to work out their own crazy.

At the end of the day we have to ask ourselves what is acceptable healthy behavior? What is in the best interest of the children and our personal safety and well-being.  What is standing truly all about? Abuse isn't in any form.  I have a daughter very close in age as your son.  She is supposed to graduate in May.  We don't know. Ex kept telling me since 2017 we had to sit together at school functions and he was a monster outside of that facade. I had enough early on that he wasn't mistreating me and then using me as a cover at school. I stopped it and he monstered more.  Then it finally dawned on him 3 months of vilanizing me to others, he had no rights.  He couldn't see it.  His shame was not going to become mine.  I was always the fixer and he counted on that.  No more.

 You set up two lives the minute he left.  His house, his rules.  My house, my rules.  Now when little they say the primary custodial parent sets up the parameters that two homes must abide by to try to keep them on the same routine. Does the other parent do that?  It depends if they want to work together to set their own needs aside for the sake of the child.  Other than that, it has become two worlds for the kids.  Too many times, and believe me I get it, it's hard as a momma bear, that you are livid that they changed the rules the family once had.  The morals, the standards all tossed out the window because it's a big party just lighten up.

That's the key.  Everything is now changed, for the worse.  These battles when there should be two separate lives can create a greater danger for injury to someone.  Down to the kids feeling neglected and self harming.  I know all these seem harsh, but I need you to see how life is a series of choices.  Good, bad or indifferent.  Is it worth it for parents to fight in front of the kids?  No.  Their worlds have been shattered and they follow our lead.  One wrong move on the other person.  Showing up in a stalking mode.  Enciting violence. Personal threats or injury can turn on a dime and someone is dead, when that wasn't the intention all along. Right fighters are dangerous because wining becomes more important than walking away. We have to search our souls and ask what the real motive is for engaging with such behavior when we know better.

I hope this helps.  There are no excuses.  One wrong move and somebody is going to find a place in cell block C, it could be the snapped abused one, and they lose everything.  Then the MLC'R still lives life as planned saying see...I told you they were crazy.  Is it all worth it is the big question?  My daughter is worth more to me than my pride.  Losing her to chase an OW was not worth it.  I let him go.  He still tries today to act like he can boss this household.  I remind him when he walked out that door, he lost all rights to ever tell me what to do again.  The choice is yours.  You can walk away to a better life.  God Bless!!! GGG













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« Last Edit: March 25, 2020, 12:11:07 PM by Ggg4life »

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Another Day in MLC-land 6
#21: March 25, 2020, 12:22:12 PM
In it

Yes “getting his $h!te together” means exactly that (divorcing her and returning to his family unit.)

Because I know that, deep down, that’s what he really wants.  He “doesn’t want her!” and “just wants his family!” 

He uttered exactly that during one of his rants while in Prisoner-mode, and I’ve never forgotten it.

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« Last Edit: March 25, 2020, 01:09:07 PM by megogirl »

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Another Day in MLC-land 6
#22: March 25, 2020, 01:12:18 PM
My husband has told me those exact words numerous times.  In tears.  Full of conviction.  Yet....empty words. 
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Another Day in MLC-land 6
#23: March 25, 2020, 01:26:33 PM
Gracie

Yes!  It’s so weird.....like someone is holding a gun to their head!

When this happened I knew exactly what RCR was talking about when she wrote about “Prisoner.”  They really are trapped in their own bodies!

Empty words, yes....but we know their truth(s.)
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« Last Edit: March 25, 2020, 01:47:57 PM by megogirl »

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Another Day in MLC-land 6
#24: March 25, 2020, 02:53:37 PM

Why do I need or want this particular person?  Easy.  It’s just who I am.  I am steadfast in my beliefs regarding marriage and family.  To dispose of a marriage and family is the new normal and I’m tired of it.  It’s just not ok and my goal is for S17 to see that.

Mego, while I understand (and agree) with your stance regarding marriage and family, your Ex does not share your belief any longer.  He was able to easily divorce you and remarry.  I know that's hard to accept and wrap your mind around.  Personally it took me four years.  It truly is unconscionable what these individuals can do.

I also get that you are angry with his new wife but he's 100% responsible for the actions, choices, decisions he made.  You have no idea what he told her.  Mine told his OW all sorts of untruths about us.  He also told all our tenants that we were going thru a divorce before I even knew there were problems and told all his new bar buddies that he was single.  I am not at all giving OW a pass .  She's a symptom of his crisis.  I also know if it wasn't her most likely it would have been someone else.    My Ex is the one who is ultimately responsible for what has happened to our marriage. 

Please do not stew over this for a year hoping he'll get his $h!tee together by the time your S17 graduates.  Most likely it won't.  Sad to say.

My Ex also said he didn't want her, the divorce and that he wanted his family.  Yet, he's still with her.  Years later.  Empty words.  I think he said that to ease his guilty conscience and to suck me in (false hope).  I have no idea what he really thinks/believes because that's "theory of mind".  I remember my mom telling me "you will never know what goes on inside someone's else head" and she was right because I never thought he'd leave me but he did.

Mego, I seriously hope your situation turns out differently.  In the meantime focus on you, start making changes so he sees a different Mego.  If he doesn't see positive changes that he's attracted to, you may not have a chance.  Coming back for the sake of being a "family unit" may not be enough anymore.  Especially as your S17 will soon be on his own life journey.
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« Last Edit: March 25, 2020, 03:32:26 PM by Ro828 »

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Another Day in MLC-land 6
#25: March 25, 2020, 03:18:48 PM
Ro

I’m well aware that XH has joined the masses re: spousal disposal.  But that doesn’t mean that I have to.

I would rather remain single maintaining my integrity than to join tinder or whatever.  But that’s just me. 

I guess I’m just set in my ways.
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« Last Edit: March 25, 2020, 04:36:28 PM by megogirl »

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Another Day in MLC-land 6
#26: March 26, 2020, 05:54:52 AM
Ro

I’m well aware that XH has joined the masses re: spousal disposal.  But that doesn’t mean that I have to.

I would rather remain single maintaining my integrity than to join tinder or whatever.  But that’s just me. 

I guess I’m just set in my ways.

You’re right. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with standing for your family. I don’t think anybody here can or should really disagree with that, given the nature of the site....just don’t stand stuck. You’re young and you sound pretty feisty...you’ve got a lot of living left to do. Instead of wasting time trying to hammer into everyone’s head what a crappy example your son’s dad is, be the example to your son that you believe he needs and deserves. As it is now, all he’s seeing is how to blame others for everything wrong in life instead of how to take control of his life and making the best of what he has. 
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some days are yellow
some days are blue
on different days, i'm different too
you'd be surprised how many ways
i change on different-colored days.
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Another Day in MLC-land 6
#27: March 26, 2020, 07:23:40 AM
“All he’s seeing is how to blame others for everything wrong in life.”

Could you elaborate?  Because I really don’t understand.

Don’t think I’ve really “blamed” anyone.  Except for maybe the homewrecker.
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Another Day in MLC-land 6
#28: March 26, 2020, 07:47:40 AM
Mego,  I'm with you.  I have no problem remaining single.  I lack the desire to date or go on any dating site.   I just hope that one day my Ex will come to grips with what he's done and acknowledge it.
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« Last Edit: March 26, 2020, 07:55:35 AM by Ro828 »

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Another Day in MLC-land 6
#29: March 26, 2020, 08:56:56 AM
Ro

I will *always* anticipate XH coming to grips with it and repenting accordingly. 

It will stick in my craw forever until he does.  Not so much for me, but for S17.  I want XH to sit down and have the hard conversation with him regarding everything he’s done.  That asking him to be his “Best Man” was wrong on about a thousand different levels.  He can’t really “apologize”, but he can at least show contrition for putting him in that rotten position.

Until that day comes, XH has failed him as a father.

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« Last Edit: March 26, 2020, 10:24:20 AM by megogirl »

 

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