Skip to main content

Author Topic: My Story 6 years since BD. Finally feeling a bit better

M
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 3340
  • Gender: Female
Thank you all so much for posting Barbie, UM, Yo, Rising, Keep, Kit, Sachat, and Terra. I might not answer right away, but I love to receive your posts and read everything with great interest. I hope our shared feelings may help someone.

Italy has opened up almost everything this week. There are loads of people about but we must wear masks and there are very strict rules about how many people can enter a store or café so it doesn't feel like fun. Actually, it feels a bit grim. Mind you we are all so glad to get out. Our economy has taken a huge hit, as has everyone's. So many businesses have closed down permanently. We can tell because their awnings are down. I feel so bad for so many people.

S15 started playing tennis again this week at his old tennis school. We are still not allowed to go out of our region. S is loving it. He told me after he played on Monday, first day back, that the feeling was just awesome, that playing tennis is so fun. Perhaps the break was good. It made him realize how privileged he is to be able to dedicate his life to his passion.

The academy has had the kids start a course with a mental trainer. He's based in Spain although he's Italian. He does a couple of individual sessions followed by group sessions a week. S is loving it. It's not a sports psychologist, whom he's had in the past, this is quite different. There are similar aspects on managing anger and emotion, etc, but this comes with match tactics. Although I don't think it's obvious to S, I think there are subtle tactics on how to be aware of his emotions whilst at the same time, teaching him to enjoy the moment and make the most of his opportunity.

My L has been drawing up a contract with my H's L. We are almost there. H was supposed to send me €1000 as an advance last week, but every day I had to bug him. I finally emailed him over the weekend to say that it was really frustrating for me to have to chase him up every day. That it wasn't fair on me or S. I decided to not let him get away with this and sent him a brief email on a daily basis, asking for news of the money. Money was sent today.

What I learned because I forced my H to answer about the delay, is that he gets paid in London, although he lives here. I smell a Vat number in the UK, just as I suspected. I have no doubt that my H gets paid partly here in Italy by his employer to show the tax man a limited salary, and he bills the rest abroad. I had thought in Switzerland, but now I pretty much have the confirmation that he bills from the UK. There's nothing I can do about it legally because I can't afford to do a search in the Uk. However, it gives me confidence that I do know what he's up to, he is making money, and I do not need to feel sorry for his victim ass.

Tomorrow, he is going to take S to lunch: McDonalds, nice, eh? This is the first time H has seen S since February, although parents who are separated are allowed to go see their kids. S plays tennis in the morning. I will drop him and will stay and watch. I am enjoying watching him as I don't get to see him for all I pay. I have him here for a few weeks and want to enjoy it. But H is going to pick S up from the tennis school, and I don't know that I want to encounter him, so I will see how I feel tomorrow. I might have to leave early. 
  • Logged
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

M
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 447
  • Gender: Female
6 years since BD. Finally feeling a bit better
#51: May 21, 2020, 03:51:11 PM
Milly, so glad everything is opening up.  Still so unbelievable, the new normal.

But bittersweet too as your children will resume their lives, too. The interlude with them was a special time.  Excited though that your son is back to tennis. I hope you do get to enjoy watching him.  Don't let the sight of h intimidate you into leaving the academy early. I am starting to dread those encounters, too. Wear a big hat and sun glasses, look glamorous and h will stay away.

And, go you with the the legal contract and the advance and the research.  As you said in the beginning of this thread, you have become very strong.  I am so impressed. Grace with tenacity and fierceness.
  • Logged
BD and moved out 9/2017
M 30 years at BD, together 34

s
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1313
  • Gender: Female
6 years since BD. Finally feeling a bit better
#52: May 22, 2020, 07:56:29 AM
So glad to here things are opening up for you in Italy. We’re miles behind over here which is fun. You mentioned McDonalds in your post and I can’t tell you how much my mouth watered. I used to easily have 3-4 McDonald’s a week and I haven’t had one in a while. 😩 it’s sad your H is hiding money but it says more about his character than yours!
  • Logged
Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D6 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017
Moved in with Ow - November 2019
Ow met children - December 2019

D
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2843
  • Gender: Female
6 years since BD. Finally feeling a bit better
#53: May 22, 2020, 11:23:52 AM
Milly, your post gives me so much hope.  We are all so tired of the lockdown here and it feels as if it will never end.  And especially my S14 who misses his basketball so much. Such a mental toll on us all missing our family and friends and activities.  I can't wait to see him play basketball again!! 

I have to deal with LB a lot at basketball and it really depends on my mood that day.  I try hard not to let LB scare me off from my kids activities... some days I am just weary of both basketball and LB and I skip out a little early to avoid both.  But right now I can't wait to see S14 play again.   

The money is such a pick your battles topic. If I can make it work without the hassle of chasing LB around I usually skip the chasing and begging.  So frustrating and humiliating that they skate on so many expenses that we lay awake at night worrying about.

LB hadn't seen the kids for 56 days... then he popped up for a 15 minute visit in my driveway. Then gone again like a fart in the wind.  Absolutely mind boggling.       
  • Logged
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

M
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 3340
  • Gender: Female
Thank you Male, Sachat, and DF. You all brought up points. Male, thanks for the idea to wear a big hat. i didn't have the guts, but I did my best. Sachat, thanks for pointing out that my H hiding his money shows what kind of person he is. I must remember that, instead of getting all hot and angry inside. DF, so glad I gave you hope. We have these competitive sports boys, which makes me feel we go through so many of the same things. I have just loved watching my S this week. Such a treat for a parent. I have friends (whom I love even), who for years go on about me and my S's tennis, as if it's a drag or an un-necessary hassle I give myself. They say how they would never be caught driving their kid to a tournament. And yet, I love it. I can't wait to have a tournament to go to. I guess part of what makes a kid make it, is also a parent/relative willing to be their manager. So, DF, I hope you get to watch your S play his basket ball really soon. At least you have that to look forward to!

So, I made sure to leave 10 minutes before my H arrived today. If he'd come early to watch S play, I would have dealt with it, but he didn't, and to miss the last 10 minutes seemed worth it to me to save myself un-necessary anxiety. Beautiful, hot day here today. I had a lovely 2 hours watching S's tennis then went home and did a great day's work.

H picked up S at tennis, took him to McDonalds, as I said first time he's since him since beginning of February, and brought him home in less than 1 hour. He had a Jeep rental. So for someone who claims to have no money, who claims his employer hasn't paid him in months, how is he able to rent a Jeep for months on end? Such a bad liar.

S told me that H talked to him about the McDonalds movie and how much he liked it. I haven't seen it or know anything about it. S says to me: "funny he liked it since the guy has a MLC at the end. But Daddy didn't mention that the guy left his wife for a younger woman." That's a MLC kid for you. But I have to wonder if H didn't notice that Mr McDonald had devastated his family much the same way he did? Or did he think just because Mr McDonal became a billionaire, it was a good decision? Who knows with these MLCers.

S said that H asked when D22 will graduate and if she still has the apartment in London. He asked very little about S. Told S all about which businesses went bust during the Coronavirus in London (OW town) and which did well. Obviously, in good contact with OW still.

H took my lawn mower away to use at his. I didn't see him but heard him walk up from the parking lot under my window where I work. H told S that he'll bring it back next week when he goes to see him at his tennis during the afternoon.

I feel that my H is more distant from me than ever. 6 and a half years since he met the Alianator, and many fights later, still with her. I do believe she is the one for him. It's still hard to think this way, but I must be realistic.

S is outside playing pingpong with the neighbour kids. It's only just getting dark here at 9.10pm. He's having a great time and is very happy. This is what I remind myself.
  • Logged
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

s
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1313
  • Gender: Female
6 years since BD. Finally feeling a bit better
#55: May 23, 2020, 03:54:56 AM
Milly, you keep reminding yourself of the important things. It’s so easy for us to get swept up in their lives and the unjust feeling. I said it on my own thread last night that when Ow and Clington went to Paris. I was deeply hurt. That would have been a trip we were going to take for my birthday (2 months before BD) but me and clington didn’t have the money. So we “rainchecked” it. And then in a few months he’s in Paris with Ow. I know she paid the majority of that trip but that didn’t make it hurt any less. Whereas now, we’ll when I go Paris. I’ll have the girls with me in Disneyland. I know who I’d rather be in Paris with. You have built such an incredible relationship with your son, all of which is in spite of his father. You have the memories with your son. I mean, look at all that time you guys spent together during lockdown. Your H didn’t get that. And ultimately that’s his loss!

From over here it doesn’t sound like your H is happy with Ow. It reminds me of a put up and shut up situation. He’s caught between a rock and a hard place but he only has himself to blame.
  • Logged
Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D6 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017
Moved in with Ow - November 2019
Ow met children - December 2019

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1537
  • Gender: Female
  • Mlc- Cake eater for 3 yr now vanisher
Milly, I am on a similar timeline to you and will be 6 yrs from first day of affair although I think the flirting started in the feb 2014. Lots of fights and still with alienator. I don’t know if she is the one or wether he is happy or not. I do wonder if he is happy but then I realise it doesn’t matter. I create the memories with my kids and I am now a stronger woman. You are also that stronger woman creating those memories with your kids.

I do actually think that they try to stay with the ow as 1. Ow won’t let go as still a competition for them with us even though we are not competing in the slightest and 2. That our mlcer has destroyed their life so much that they feel they have to continue to save face. As my ex h said only a couple of months ago to s17. He had made his decision and had to stick with it. He also said work colleagues still talk about him and ow and that he is still a laughing stock.

Not sure I would of been so kind as to lend my lawn mower though. My feeling is I’m not good enough to talk to or communicate with but can use my own mower?
Ex h sits on my drive and has cup of tea and yet he drive past me the other day with ow and wouldn’t even look in my direction. I was completely ignored on purpose, it was very obvious. I will update my own thread with my thoughts on that.
I believe that it shows growth in that you can see the emotions your h creates but you change it to positive by reminding yourself of what you get from life that he doesn’t without the serves him right the #^*^%. It is just purely his loss and his choice.
With regard to the divorce, I’m sure he doesn’t even realise it will speed things up. I really don’t think divorce means much to them in this state of mind. Xx.
  • Logged
Me 52
H53
Divorced 3/dec/2019
Together 30yrs
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier. Finances Not yet finalised.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang for 3 yrs now Vanisher but  twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

M
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 3340
  • Gender: Female
Rising, I find your thoughts very interesting - the fact that my H's OW is still in competition with me, and that in some way this keeps my H hooked to her and distant from me. Interesting also how your H can sit in your drive way and have a tea, but then completely ignore you when he's in the car with OW. It's a great example of how they are in two minds: one when they are alone and free, and one when OW is in their space. I also appreciate you telling me that you don't think my H is aware that he's speeding up the D with this paper work. Although I should know better, it all feels like such a personal attack, that my H can't wait to be free of me, that he can't stand me.

Sachat, I read your thread and I'm so pleased you're going to Disneyland Paris with your girls. Your H, like mine and so many others, was happy to not have to spend on us when they were still with us. Mind you, it was often our own fault that they didn't spurge. We were trying to do the right thing for the family and the finances, and they were quite happy to not have to spend. The OW demands to be treated well, and therefore our Hs spend on them. If we had not been such good girls, we would probably have had our trips to Paris, too. This is something I'm very conscious about now, my own sacrifice, not my H forcing me to.

Thank you for saying you don't think my H has a good relationship with OW. And than you so much for the lovely words about my relationship with my S. He's such a wonderful boy. My D22 is, too, although my H has written her off. H still cares for S, so he really is missing on the best of the memories with his son.

Today I had an enjoyable day. I started out by going to look at a property. It's above my budget, so unless it gets reduced because of the awful real estate market since Covid, I will not be buying it. I do think there's a chance they will have to reduce the price, so I don't think it's impossible. Still, it was fun to see what's around.  I'm so thankful I sold my apartment on February 28th, a week before lock down here in Italy. I would never have been able to sell it now. I'm still surprised that I had this good luck.

In the afternoon I cleaned the house, which was well over due. I also wanted to get some exercise. Then at 5 I took S to a tennis training with his old tennis teacher. It was fun to see him and his wife again. Boiling hot but lovely. Came home, slapped some make up on and did a video wine tasting for a tour operator we work with. I've never done anything like this before, and certainly don't like to have work commitments on a Saturday night, but it's a branch outside of my normal, and I was very satisfied with myself for having done it. Sat and watched Desperate Housewives re-runs with D22 afterwards.

Tomorrow is a completely relax day. No alarm. I love that.
  • Logged
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

t
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 357
  • Gender: Female
Milly, I love your gentle tea shares. My quick read about your h and his sort of unlucky or stuck association with ow, and her ongoing competitiveness toward you, is that it sounds like she is something like a constantly whistling kettle.

You know if that kettle is always whistling, it gets hard to think straight. He hasn’t figured out how to take her off the heat or pour her all the way out. Either way, I do think you are in the better or best position and role.

Good on you for your prescience in selling before COVID-19 took over everywhere! I hope the house you like does come down in price so that you can buy and live in it. HUGS.
  • Logged

s
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1313
  • Gender: Female
6 years since BD. Finally feeling a bit better
#59: May 26, 2020, 02:08:16 AM
I personally get the vibe that your H and Ow have only been together so long, because they aren’t together all the time. He’s in Italy. She’s in London. That keeps the fire burning Cos she’s not arguing with him about his socks on the bathroom floor and they are love struck “I miss you”. I would bet my own house on the fact that if they were like most couples, live together after a year or so and stay living together. I bet they would have broken up sooner. I have a friend who was with a girl for 5 years but he didn’t see her that often as he was in the army. Less than 6 months of him leaving the army they split up.

I used to be quite bitter about things like Paris trips but now I can see through a new vision. It’s him missing out. Not me. He probably will never go on holiday with his children, least not whilst he’s with her. His loss. Your husband has the same loss except he is missing out on w much more crucial stage in your children’s life. The stage they won’t forget. Who’s going to take your son for his first legal pint? I imagine you. Who will walk your daughter down the isle? I imagine you. All these things are the typical “dad” things that your going to be doing because the bond you have with your children. He doesn’t have. Sure he may have more money. Maybe go to nicer restaurants. But you have the things money can’t buy. You have an amazing bond with your children and a life time of memories. That’s where you win.

I believe your ow and many of the ow will always be in competition with us because the relationship we had with them they will never be able to recreate. And that kills them. 

I’m so glad your out and about and looking at homes. You had good luck selling your apartment at the right time and I will keep my fingers crossed that you can buy the house at the right price.
  • Logged
Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D6 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017
Moved in with Ow - November 2019
Ow met children - December 2019

 

Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.