Skip to main content

Author Topic: My Story Learning How to Live Again with Gratitude 4

M
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 522
  • Gender: Female
My Story Learning How to Live Again with Gratitude 4
OP: April 22, 2020, 07:16:26 AM
Hello Friends,
Time to start a new thread.  Keeping the same thread title with the #4. Either I lack imagination or am simply afraid I won’t find my own thread if I change the name.

Quick recap. I am 2 1/2 years from abrupt BD when, while on a rare date, h said he was unhappy and left within the week. In the first 18 months before I started posting, there was much drama and monstering, projection and blame. There was an ow, which I learned about much later, but that supposedly ended almost a year ago and not sure if h has replaced her with one or many or none. I don’t go looking for information that will hurt me. H is on his 4th move since he left and is currently living in the same town, 1/2 a mile from me. The arrangement ends soon. We have had too many close encounters, so if he finds place #5 farther away it would be healthier for me.

We are also stuck in a cycle where he gets friendlier and then churns up the lawyers. Makes my head spin. From the little I see, his new life does not seem bright and shiny.  I have had some other losses during this time, some heartbreaking, some not so much. Wedding approaches for our only son this summer. Through the lawyers I have asked for a pause until the wedding. No answer yet. And no contact either. Waiting.

And me? I am facing my fears and starting to accept what has happened. I am getting ready for battle and although I have compassion, I am beyond tired of drama and cycles and beginning to get angry. Still searching for courage and the elusive grace. Remembering to breathe.  Emotionally I am still a bit of a wreck. I am so grateful for all of you.   :-*

What I have learned is what people tried to tell me at the very beginning. This is a journey. For. both. of. us. Am I learning a lot about myself? Yes. Yet, I wish I never had to take this journey.

Old Thread:
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11230.0
  • Logged
BD and moved out 9/2017
M 30 years at BD, together 34

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1216
  • Gender: Female
Re: Learning How to Live Again with Gratitude 4
#1: April 22, 2020, 07:23:57 AM
Following along Mal! It is a journey indeed...
  • Logged
H - 43 (40 @BD1)
M - 43 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H and OW are together, presume PA  - 3rd June 2019
H gets engaged with OW (we are not divorced) - Oct 2019
H "finally" asks for divorce - Aug 2020

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

E
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 297
  • Gender: Female
Learning How to Live Again with Gratitude 4
#2: April 22, 2020, 02:57:06 PM
Following along Mal. Xx
  • Logged
M: 50 (48 @ BD)
H: 53 (51 @ BD)
Married 20yrs, together 23yrs
D: 21 (19 @ BD)
D: 19 (17 @ BD)
'Extra D': 19 (17 @ BD)
BD (that I didn't recognise as such) Easter 2018
BD 9th Sep 2018
OW (45, now 47) - he met her in the pub a week before BD, told me about her a week after BD. Thinks 'their planets have collided' because 'their eyes met across the room' and they had an 'instant connection'. Lives with her. Is building a life with her. Jun 20: H plans to buy a block of land and build a house with her.

K
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 5547
  • Gender: Female
Learning How to Live Again with Gratitude 4
#3: April 22, 2020, 03:02:40 PM
I had a great response. Lots of super deep stuff [lol] but it got lost somewhere. Probably too wordy as usual. Anyway, point was this:  you are absolutely filled with both courage and grace. Summoning it can be challenging, but you have done it every time it mattered.
  • Logged
Me 49
H 47
S13
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 10526
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone. You are NOT a pizza!
Learning How to Live Again with Gratitude 4
#4: April 23, 2020, 03:23:44 AM
By George, I think she's GOT it!

  • Logged
Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

M
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 3622
  • Gender: Female
Re: Learning How to Live Again with Gratitude 4
#5: April 23, 2020, 03:46:49 AM
Following, Male. Your H is like mine in that mine moved several times those first 2 years after BD, then settled close to me which caused those uncomfortable run ins. I hope he moves away from you this time. Mine also gets friendlier, then chumps in the lawyers.

I hope your H will agree to a legal pause until after your S's wedding. You are graceful and kind and certainly don't deserves what has happened to you. I just want to encourage you to enjoy the lead up to your S's wedding and try to fully immerse yourself in his day, as apposed to what your H could do to hurt you. Not easy, I realize. Making your S's wedding day the best it can be for him, is what I imagine will make you happy, too. Whether your H is an idiot or not, you will be able to enjoy your grace to your S on his day for years to come.
  • Logged
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1923
  • Gender: Female
Learning How to Live Again with Gratitude 4
#6: April 23, 2020, 12:54:44 PM
Mal -
Attaching and following along.

Sea
  • Logged
Seahorses have one mate for life...

M
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 522
  • Gender: Female
Learning How to Live Again with Gratitude 4
#7: May 03, 2020, 06:21:53 PM
Thank you all for following xoxo. You all keep me going.  And UM, I do love Audrey Hepburn....Still trying every day to show that grace and courage.. Processing my latest visitation today.

Slap my little hands
He made it two weeks without contacting me. Then, he texted me at a tough moment. Frustrated and lonely and firewalled out of a zoom party, I was sipping on too much margarita, learning how to make them during the pandemic; this one was too strong.

Let me know he spoken to our son, that he knew S had been here for dinner the night before- mother exception to social isolation- and that S was coming back this weekend to help with projects. So, h obviously peppers our S with questions about me.  Then h mentioned he would swing by this weekend to get mail and see S at the same time-finally saying in advance when he was coming. Then he disclosed how he may have saved someone's life earlier in the week and would tell me about it in person.It takes a long round of texts to get substance from him, and then he reels me in by showing he still has a Heart. It was a few hours of texts. It was a strong margarita.

Afterwards I was resentful that he would encroach on my time with our S, which is becoming even more valuable to me. It was a year ago, last major touch and go started when he came by to help with last spring’s projects.....Btw, still no word back from lawyers if he agreed to truce before the wedding.

So, he came and went today, another weird encounter. My S and I were in the middle of some projects and I happened to look up at the very instant and see h turn the corner and enter the driveway. My S and I both looked at each other in shared horror. I quickly asked my S  if he had seen his father recently, and he said not in months although he’s apparently dropped some food and gifts off at their door and then left. H was wearing a full respirator so it was difficult to hear him speak.

I might have called him Darth Vader.

The tension between h and my S was so palpable, I could feel it in the air. If my S ever looked at or treated me that way, I would spontaneously combust and die. They were so close once upon a time.

Dressed more normally, still with thick silver chain. Very very thin.

He didn’t stay long, asked for his mail, gave us suggestions about how to do things and suggested more house projects for us. I asked him if he had moved yet and he has another temporary house rental lined up on the other side of town. (Milly, yet another move.) I tried my best to keep a short light conversation going.  “See you guys later,” he said. After h left, I asked my son if h was okay. He shrugged and said it wasn’t my problem any more.

The whole story is heartbreaking. He has reconnected with his mother though. I am slapping my little fingers now so I don't send a follow up text.
  • Logged
BD and moved out 9/2017
M 30 years at BD, together 34

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1923
  • Gender: Female
Learning How to Live Again with Gratitude 4
#8: May 03, 2020, 06:59:25 PM
I had to laugh at Darth Vader because that's exactly what I was thinking...

Now, what purpose would sending a text accomplish?
What would be your goals, and how would you feel if you got -- monster? --- no reply??

Just food for thought.
Lay off the margaritas!
Loose lips...

Hugs,
Sea
  • Logged
Seahorses have one mate for life...

M
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 3622
  • Gender: Female
Re: Learning How to Live Again with Gratitude 4
#9: May 04, 2020, 04:07:14 AM
Male, so your H is still running. That was quite a bit of contact there and the visit? Strange, especially since he had a respirator. Maybe he's feeling vulnerable. I feel it was a little touch and go, the suggestions for the home repairs. I hope he continues in this way for the wedding.

I do love a margarita, but I prefer them weak with lots of crushed ice.
  • Logged
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

 

Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.