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Author Topic: My Story Learning How to Live Again with Gratitude 4

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My Story Learning How to Live Again with Gratitude 4
#10: May 05, 2020, 04:32:28 AM
Cycle whiplash
I did not text, I held back. Sea, you asked what I sought and well I misguidedly hoped there was an opening to pave the way. You were right. And Milly, after every touch is a nasty "go." You all knew it, and I live in the House of Mirrors, as Treasur once aptly named it. I so understand why RCR coined the phrase Boomerang.

Last night I received another long late night email missive about how a divorce is what is best for him now and he is tired of living in one temporary arrangement after another and tired his life is in limbo etc etc etc and I need to review his horribly skewed proposed separation agreement and set him free. He says it's been three years, but I only count two and a half.

I don't even know how to respond anymore. I am tired of these angry late night surprise missives. I have tried to be gracious and friendly in response to all of his communications although it is hard to talk when someone is wearing a figurative and literal mask. Is he lashing out at me because of the tension in the air Sunday when he appeared? That his home no longer feels like his any more and his son does not welcome him with open arms?

So many of you have been through this before. I still feel pretty naive. I have referred him to the lawyers time and time again. I am at a loss how to respond any more. I prepared a simple draft in anger referring him back to the lawyers, who have spoken recently and stating that we owe it to our son to hold it together for the two months leading up to the wedding. I will wait a few days to decide whether to send anything. There is more I would truly like to say, but I will let it go.

He has left his home, lost the respect of his son and their close relationship, lost all our mutual friends, closed off his own relationship with his sister and brother, is living like a nomad- his possessions are scattered, likely facing some health issues, and is having financial problems. Is rock bottom any lower?

Objectively I know that all this stuff has happened since he left. Not my fault.  Yet I know he is still blaming me.

The cycles are getting closer together, and he cannot seem to leave me alone.

We have to coexist he says. Well, we don't. I am just about done. I will have ptsd forever.  He gets friendly and then decides I am what is horrible in his life.  I am getting whiplash from these cycles.

Thanks for listening. I cannot vent about these cycles to anyone else in RL any more. They cannot understand the torment.
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Learning How to Live Again with Gratitude 4
#11: May 05, 2020, 05:52:29 AM
We get it, Mal.
The simple truth is how he feels and what he wants is no longer your problem, is it?
How wise of you to take a pause before replying. You may decide to say nothing much or simply to restate that his lawyer should talk to your lawyer, that from respect for your son you would prefer to wait a few weeks until after the wedding but he must do as he sees fit.

It's a strange process with an MLCer. I remember that my xh seemed somehow to almost want my permission or approval towards the end of the process. And that, no matter the facts about his tardy responses vs my timely ones, he would bang on and on that I was 'refusing to let him go'. It was very weird looking back. My life got easier when I filed most of the things I might say under F for Futile....he had his story despite the obvious facts, bizarrely wanted my sympathy almost about how stressful HIS divorce was....I just ran out of sane responses tbh so pretty much just said the same thing.....get your L to talk to my L (but I did find out that part of his problem was that he had lied to his own L plus ow pressure so some of his self-created chickens were coming home to roost lol) My xh got much loopier and angrier in the last few months of his divorce process....almost as if it all came as a bit of an unwelcome and irritating challenge  ::).....I have often thought that MLCers essentially want a 'zipless divorce' like that Erica Jong book title, where they simply announce it and everyone else does the legwork  :)

But I remember that time. And how simply impossible it was to have any kind of rational exchange at all. So it was nice to stop trying  :).....like you, I just ran out of sensible responses after a while.

We get it though, Mal, we do.
And i am here to tell you two things from my own experience.
That PTSD does not have to be forever; it can be for a season, not for life.
And that brutal as it is to go through an MLC divorce against your will, there is a peaceful spot away from drama on the other side of it. Wise vets told me that and they were quite right. You mourn your h and the loss of your m, true enough, but you also feel very grateful to be off the battlefield and away from an MLCer's WTF rollercoaster. X
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« Last Edit: May 05, 2020, 05:56:45 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Learning How to Live Again with Gratitude 4
#12: May 05, 2020, 08:33:21 AM
Quote
And that brutal as it is to go through an MLC divorce against your will, there is a peaceful spot away from drama on the other side of it. Wise vets told me that and they were quite right. You mourn your h and the loss of your m, true enough, but you also feel very grateful to be off the battlefield and away from an MLCer's WTF rollercoaster. X

All true.  While you React with hope that this might be a ‘touch and go’, you keep yourself embroiled.  If he ever wants to re connect meaningfully, he can ask you to meet him somewhere neutral and behave like an emotionally whole adult. 

Detachment, v low contact and keeping him away from your home and life except for occasions like the wedding will help you grow your own strength. 
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« Last Edit: May 05, 2020, 08:40:40 AM by Nerissa »

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Learning How to Live Again with Gratitude 4
#13: May 05, 2020, 02:07:44 PM
Mal - I agree with what's been said.
Only thought is to maybe put him on "do not disturb" between say 5pm and 5am so you won't get these late=night texts which I am sure disrupt your sleep.

I was so traumatized by the whole divorce process.
But, not what it's over, my life is pretty peaceful.
I have my sons who love me, and I have monster who makes me laugh sometimes -- or at least smh.

In all reality, does it really matter if he pushes the divorce along?
I honestly don't think it could strain your R anymore than it already seems, regardless of the wedding.

Just a thought.

Hugs,
Sea
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Re: Learning How to Live Again with Gratitude 4
#14: May 05, 2020, 02:29:34 PM
Male, I have no miracle cure to what you're going through, just wanted to join the others in saying I completely understand. I don't have a clinger, but I have a MLCer who has dragged out his divorce for years, whilst accusing me of not letting him live his life.

What I will say is that this doesn't last for ever. Eventually, the legal battles will end one way or the other, there will be no need for communication, which also cuts down on the nasty go. I know how frustrating it is to feel that however you behave with your H, you get nowhere, he still can flip and turn around and accuse you. With my big monster baby H, I can't be too tough or cold or he will throw it back at me. I find the distancing has to be something internal for myself. If I go NC on my H, he will get me for it. I tell myself that I'm dealing with an unstable person so I must think a long time before I respond. For me, short and business like sounding replies work the best.

I wouldn't be surprised that you're feeling particularly on edge because of your S's imminent wedding and the fear of how to deal with your H that day. I bet that your H is stressed about this, too. This might be part of the reason for his recent cycling, moving again, pushing for separation to set him free, yet wanting you to co-exist. He's scrambling and panicking. I don't think he even knows what he wants from hour to hour. He's a very unhappy man right now. He got what he wanted but it's not working for him, so he's searching for other solutions. He's going crazy.

You just come here and get it out of your system. If those night texts get to you, I do like the idea of switching your phone off during the night.
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Learning How to Live Again with Gratitude 4
#15: May 06, 2020, 06:58:25 AM
Treasur, Sea, Nerissa and Milly,  Thank you for understanding. I do appreciate that it gets better, or maybe some day I will care less. Milly, agreed, the message is not from a happy person. I think your explanation is spot on.  I have not replied back yet, in part because I know he will want the last word. Nerissa, yes, I deserve more than flashes of h and teases. I need to keep him away more. The last time I literally said goodbye, he showed up at the door. I need to be stronger.

The wedding does have me on edge, so his message set me in knots. I am so angry at him for sucking the joy out of the wedding. " Is it still going forward?" h keeps asking, almost as though he hopes it will not. And he is controlling my access to our family beach house as well, usually rented this time of year. I am worried he will go back on our agreement about what weeks I can have. I am hosting our extended family/inlaws and friends for the third summer post BD. H is using the house for storage right now. Although he told me I can go down, he is setting restrictions.  I see this as a cat and mouse game of control.

His texts, in person visits and e-mails each have a different personality.

And yes, Sea and Milly, I need to self-control checking the emails. Perhaps in the stillness of the world I can practice not checking any messages, although in general they help fight the isolation.  A text is easier to ignore, and usually innocuous or even friendly, but the emails come out of the blue now. I checked late because I was expecting a message from a neighbor about plans for a joint project. The emails are also triggers.  When h first left he would send horrible messages to my work e-mail, which was entirely inappropriate. I tried for so long to get him to stop and his timing was mean spirited. Between the surprise messages and having to check the home security system remotely to see if he was sneaking into the house, every work day was trauma.

Treasur, I do look forward to being off the rollercoaster. Never liked rollercoasters. Thank you all for keeping me calm and steady.  :-*
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Learning How to Live Again with Gratitude 4
#16: May 06, 2020, 10:38:49 AM
Oh boy Mal. Does sound like he is doing some late night thinky time wondering how to make it all better. Oh I know, I'll poke Mal to see if she tells me how much she still loves me. Only my take of course, but I personally have done this. Told H I wanted a D now--mostly so he will tell me that is not what he wants. (I don't do this anymore by the by) But having been on the giving side of it, I can tell you what my personal intention was. And a wounded LBS can have some strikingly similar methods to the mclers.

"Is it still going through?" What a weird inappropriate question. And one coming from a person who no longer values the sanctity of marriage I would guess. 

Also, I read on Hearts Blessing one time about how MLCers are testing things when they say "I am never coming home." Maybe it was from the Prodigal Husband. Don't remember exactly. Anyway, the point was that they proclaimed this b/c they are in such inner turmoil trying to find an end to their pain, they say these things hoping for it to end. And likely change their mind a million times.

Just throwing these things out there not to give him a pass. But I find sometimes it helps me knowing these things. More confirmation it isn't me at all. But him and his F'd up issues!

Stay strong girl. You got this!
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Learning How to Live Again with Gratitude 4
#17: May 11, 2020, 08:10:58 AM
KIT, thanks. The Prodigal Husband is an interesting thought. Sometimes I want to believe that he has second thoughts and thinky time and is cycling, but then he tells me in no uncertain terms that he wants out. I did not express any sentiments about his nomad life or his desire to be free of me. His statement about co-existing was curious. Sociologically wondering what does it mean to coexist with someone you abandoned?

Anyhoo, I responded to the email, referring him to the lawyers once again. He had claimed I was ignoring him. Also added a long strident message that the kids were getting married in two months and we needed to put a pause on it and give them a happy day rather than an event where the groom’s parents are engaged in combat. Although, I can be strident in the work world, this may have been a first for me in my home role.  I almost added some language about never having anything to do with him in the future, but KIT, I stopped and paused based on what you had said, and what Nerissa advised awhile back, and decided not to go there.

No response, but then I received a Happy Mother’s Day text- first since he left. And, he wanted to know about contributing to our share of rehearsal dinner.

Whatever? Sent a brief polite response, with maybe one other reply about his mother, not engaging with his friendly texts anymore. The subsequent e-mail missives just kill me. Such a dance, when this all ends he is not my friend.

Had a lovely MD though, my S spent the day with me, brunch, mimosas, one short house project together, a walk, and my first mushy card from him with a heartfelt note. I am blessed. At the end of the day, I felt happy and loved.

Woke up this morning thinking of Maya Angelou's poem And Still I Rise.
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Learning How to Live Again with Gratitude 4
#18: May 29, 2020, 06:26:51 AM
Reading along on everyone’s threads and seeing so much sadness. How did we all get here, with lost of trust, betrayal and abandonment? So many references to kinsugi and repairing the brokenness with gold. Not sure there is enough gold.

Quiet and the days blend in. Some signs that things may open again. My S’s wedding is still on schedule in less than 2 months, but so many changes and still much uncertainty. Simple tasks now take so much effort.

No word from H in a few weeks, not even for mail pick up, strangely quiet, like I expect him to jump out of the bushes with something terrible to say. He never responded to my email asking for a pause until after the wedding. And likely he is in the midst of move #5. His most recent missive had lashed out about his having to move again with all of his possessions scattered. Two weeks ago I went to the beach house between tenants, and found that he was using it as an interim storage facility. All of his coats and jackets were lined up in the master closet. Some I recognized, some were new. I could write an essay about the coats and what they represent it, from a leather jacket that I saved up for and gave him just before we married, to some new camo and trendy jackets he acquired after me. In between were the comforting jackets I remembered from our 30+ years. It was like a time capsule of his life. Trying on different identities.  So sad. I touched my favorites gently.

The surrounding sadness everywhere seems overwhelming. And now the violence. Stay safe.
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Learning How to Live Again with Gratitude 4
#19: May 29, 2020, 05:01:08 PM
Mal -
Following along after a brief hiatus.
I'm sorry that you see so much sadness.
I am hoping that the joy of your son's wedding will soften your heart and bring you happiness amidst these tumultuous times with your H.
Breathe, rest in it.

We're here for you.
Stay safe too, my friend.

Sea
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