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Author Topic: My Story Learning How to Live Again with Gratitude 4

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My Story Learning How to Live Again with Gratitude 4
#90: October 25, 2020, 01:31:25 PM
Hello Mal. I’m following along too. I’m no good at giving advice so I just mainly follow stories and cheer quietly without commenting.

I can feel the weariness in your words but also your determinedness to keep moving forward (even if it feels like wading through a swamp in gumboots).  I just wanted to let you know that I’m slugging along in the trenches with you. Xx
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M: 50 (48 @ BD)
H: 53 (51 @ BD)
Married 20yrs, together 23yrs
D: 21 (19 @ BD)
D: 19 (17 @ BD)
'Extra D': 19 (17 @ BD)
BD (that I didn't recognise as such) Easter 2018
BD 9th Sep 2018
OW (45, now 47) - he met her in the pub a week before BD, told me about her a week after BD. Thinks 'their planets have collided' because 'their eyes met across the room' and they had an 'instant connection'. Lives with her. Is building a life with her. Jun 20: H plans to buy a block of land and build a house with her.

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Learning How to Live Again with Gratitude 4
#91: October 26, 2020, 06:15:31 PM
Good to hear from you, Mal. 

I can understand how disturbing finding him on social media was for you.  I am glad that I don't have to contend with that with my MLCer.  He has never had a presence on social media.  The owifey posts occasionally but I have blocked her so I don't see many postings.  It's just too hard.  It's hard enough for me in this small town when I have to run into one, or both of them, in person. 

What is the end plan for the beach house?  Will you need to sell it? 
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BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

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Re: Learning How to Live Again with Gratitude 4
#92: October 28, 2020, 04:23:19 PM
Hi Male, I'm also following along. Sorry you saw the instagram. I used to check now and again, although I know you didn't do it on purpose, I did. I never saw anything that helped me so now I go out of my way to make sure I don't stumble on my H's or OW's accounts. But, you seeing the sad state your H is in just proves that your H is going through an identity crisis and that is not a good place to be. He might never grow out of it so best for you to keep moving forward as you are doing. Your H is deep in his crisis at this point like most of our Hs at this stage. Put him in the cupboard and shut the door for a couple of years.

I hope you soon enough find a job even if part time. Although I hate having to work most of the time, it is my salvation. Covid will eventually come to an end and you will find a job.

If my H were to send anything to my house at this point, I would leave the box outside my door and send a message to come fetch it and that I will not be responsible for it -also not to send stuff to my house again. I went through that phase of allowing my H to send stuff, bills, letters, whatever to my house, but I will not be his secretary any more. It got me absolutely nothing. Ok, it got me a sense of being used.

Male, you've had to face some difficult situations this past summer and you made it through brilliantly. I think you are doing just great.
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

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Learning How to Live Again with Gratitude 4
#93: October 29, 2020, 03:47:03 PM
Maleficent,

Just catching up... I am sorry about the Instagram incident. It was the same for me - suddenly, he started an account (he has started two) and I went to look, nothing too terrible in the beginning, just motorcycles and such, then he suddenly made his profile private. I know that it is because ow began to make her presence known. Of course, I never "followed" him, but while it was open, I was able to see it.

My IG profile is totally open, as is my philosophy, I have nothing to hide and what I don't wish to be seen, I don't post ;D However, I don't think he looks at my IG. You can tell by Story views. I once saw ow looking, only once.

Social media is really a big source of pain for most of us. So I just concentrate on mine and post what I want to without showing too much if you know what I mean. Facebook is out of my grade - I find that I can't deal with all the cross connections, so I have deactivated it. Twitter is ok, and I use it mostly for news and no interaction. Linkedin is just for my professional profile and I am thankful that I no longer see suggestions that I connect with ow ;D

I hope you find peace, when we practise grace with others and ourselves, peace is a consequence, it comes with acceptance, I think.

I think you are doing very well at only three years in - I don't think I was as balanced as I see you :)

xxx
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M 59
H 59
S 28
D 25
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

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Learning How to Live Again with Gratitude 4
#94: November 01, 2020, 05:53:43 PM
Mal -
Your husband truly seems to be the retro King.
Really - high school name?
They really regress don’t they?

You sound like you’re doing okay, despite the sad times and panic awakenings.
I have those sometimes, but I’m sure they’re unrelated to H but more due to anxiety of dying while sleeping (it’s happened to 3 friends in the last 3 months - completely healthy) so it’s really weird.
Try to go to sleep after doing breathing exercises and thinking postitively about tomorrow.

I just also posted about IG.  It’s so weird...
I want to watch the Social Dilemma on Netflix - Very enlightening I understand...
I am private, not because I post anything extraordinary, but I don’t feel like everyone is entitled to know what I’m doing or who I’m hanging out with (H and OW included).

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Learning How to Live Again with Gratitude 4
#95: November 18, 2020, 05:52:17 PM
Mal - Just checking in to see how you're doing...
Miss hearing from you.
Sea
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Learning How to Live Again with Gratitude 4
#96: November 19, 2020, 08:07:41 AM

Sea, Thanks so much for checking in on me.  And Still, Milly, Mitzpah and Evermore, thank you for following along and cheering me forward.  Still working on job search in the time of covid and working on house projects. A bit lonely. Cocooning.

Last week, H dropped by three times, all quick visits because he wanted things- his mail, a tool, a curiosity from his collection.  His visits set me back and then I have dreams about him and I wake in a panic.  He did two rare nice/helpful acts so now I fear what nefarious act will follow.

The day he came for his mail, the landscaper was out back taking down some dead trees.  So he walked back to take a look. He looked like a lost kid in a backwards baseball cap. Told me I was doing a good job with the project and the property looked good. Rare compliment especially as I am out of my league on house projects. Yet, when I asked him if everything was okay, he barked at me and answered too quickly, that "Everything was great, couldn't be better." Left instructing me to tell S and DIL he was here and said hello. Sheepishly admitted he has not been in touch with them. For the first time, I felt that he was using me as an anchor.

That night he texted looking for "his" leaf blower and he offered something nice spontaneously. He then came by a day or two later with the batteries for the leaf blower so I could use it before he took it away. And here is where it got weird.

He asked for one of his auction curiosities, a bear skin rug with the sad bear face and open month. Wanted it to make his rental look homey.  He blamed me that he could never use it because I wouldn't let it in the living room. I reminded him, not taking the blame, that he used to hide the bear around the house to terrify me. We laughed a bit.  So, he comes back 3 hours later to get the tool, and I present him with the bear. He looks at me and says "what's that and why are you giving it to me?" Forgot he wanted it for his living room and talked about wearing it as a prank.   He was a bit giddy, looked unkempt, hadn't done something he talked about three hours before, forgot that discussion as well, and his eyes were squinted and barely open. As he left, instead of slinking away as usual, he turned, gave a big wave and said "bye Maleficent" -- has not said my name aloud since he left. Drugs???

He didn't use drugs during our M, but now he is 17 again. And there's no one to intervene if necessary. His mother cares but she's fading into dementia and his sister is tasked with her care, both she and his brother have been turned away as has our S and I really can't put this one on our son.  I did some online research and I'm not sure about drugs, but he checked all the boxes for behavioral clues, and he's checked these for many years, with his video games, his secret spending, his obsessive hobbies and pre-BD stuff.  I am angry at myself that I never took action back in the day. Too accepting. Too avoidant.

So, back to his IG site for a wellness check. Mitzpah and Milly, I just cannot stay away. Some of his postings are downright creepy, either the picture or the caption or both. Others have beautiful photography and insightful comments that remind me who he is at his core. He has a growing bevy of followers, women of a certain age who call him babe and post hearts and kinky comments and some Satanic "girls," with Lucifer tail piercings in their nose. Not sure there is only one ow-2 now, likely several.

Thought I saw him in the bank yesterday while unsuccessfully trying to do forensics, but I couldn't tell with the mask. Had a mini panic attack about getting caught, but instead of hiding, I stared at this poor stranger until he had to look away. Still and Milly, you both understand the small town blues. 


Reading on another thread about what is rock-bottom?  I like the description Acorn gave, perhaps there's no one rock-bottom, but they are lost and wander around the morass of Mordor.
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Learning How to Live Again with Gratitude 4
#97: November 19, 2020, 08:14:56 AM
Reading on another thread about what is rock-bottom?  I like the description Acorn gave, perhaps there's no one rock-bottom, but they are lost and wander around the morass of Mordor.



Nope, one MLC's their way there.....
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Learning How to Live Again with Gratitude 4
#98: November 19, 2020, 08:39:02 AM
Mal -
Wow - what an update!

First - I am sorry that you're lonely.  It's a difficult thing to deal with; especially during a pandemic when you can't even just get out into public to be around even strangers...

Perhaps if your husband's visits cause dreams and panic awakenings, you need to set some STOPS/boundaries that will be healthier emotionally for you?  Do you think the panic is the realization that it was a dream, or what is the foundation for the panic? 

When you asked how things were, that was probably a push for him, and he answered the only way he is capable of - denial, anger, lying.  I believe that the MLCer wishes no acts of kindness bestowed upon them by the LBS because it awakens their guilt - IMO.
Guilt for leaving you, guilt for the leaving the house in your care, guilt for not communicating with S and DIL...  It goes on and on.

When I read the story about the bear and forgotten request, the first thing I though of was "drugs".  That is pretty weird, to be sure.  Unless you think he has some kind of dementia onset?  I know he is young for that, and I would think some type of altered mental status would be the cause.  IDK if addictions to non drugs have that mental fogginess effect - I don't think so.  Not to that degree, maybe to the degree of preoccupation, but not to the level of completely forgetting an entire conversation(s) and not completing tasks.  Doesn't sound good. 

I'm not sure what you're angry with yourself for.  He didn't display anything that sent alarms off in your head.  I don't think video games alone would cause anyone to be alarmed or feel the need to intervene.  I suspect that the other stuff (excessive spending, hobby obsession, etc) came after the MLC was starting to take hold?  What are your thoughts about that?  Please don't beat yourself up anyway - you were his wife - not his "fixer" and he needed to take responsibility for his own actions. 

Sounds like he's still so deep in replay with his IG postings.  I really wish that you'd not look at them because it only causes more monkey braining. There is never anything positive that comes out of it for us.  It just justifies how messed up they are and more often than not hurts us in the process. 

Sounds like your H is at a rock-bottomish place, but I don't they actually hit rock bottom until they lose EVEYTHING that they had and valued.  I don't think your H is there yet.  He still has you and comes around to be sure you're still there and he hasn't lost you.  He seems to be more and more cooked lately though...

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Re: Learning How to Live Again with Gratitude 4
#99: November 19, 2020, 01:29:45 PM
Hi Mal

I really hope the job search brings you something good soon so you have a new focus. It will probably help you get your mind off things. You know you are more than capable of getting back into employment but with the pandemic things have slowed down a bit. I'm sure things will improve in a not too distant future with the vaccine.

I have to say, I agree with Seahorse in relation to stops/boundaries if his visits are affecting you.. I know you don't like having him as a ghost either (ie going into the house when you are not there) but in my opinion, it's probably better that way than actually interacting with him. I don't quite understand why he keeps getting mail delivered there, can he not get mail where he lives? I know that sometimes we are so devastated that whatever crumb we get, it's better than nothing but at least in my case, my healing really started when interactions stopped. I'm fortunate that H lives in another country and I haven't seen him in nearly 2 years.. I really have no idea how I would feel if I had to see him regularly.

Big hugs!
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H - 43 (40 @BD1)
M - 43 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H and OW are together, presume PA  - 3rd June 2019
H gets engaged with OW (we are not divorced) - Oct 2019
H "finally" asks for divorce - Aug 2020

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

 

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