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Author Topic: My Story Celebrating five years of freedom

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My Story Celebrating five years of freedom
#10: April 28, 2020, 08:45:02 AM
Quote from: MsMedFly
So, what are you saying no to that might be a new adventure that deserves a big fat YES???? Think about it... What’s keeping you from jumping in, head first?? Fear, hurt, trust issues... what is it that’s holding your freedom??

THIS is gold......
For those of us who are no longer standing, these are the pivotal questions..... and I think that they are all pat and parcel of the same thing... We are scared because we have been hurt (decimated might be a better term) and we have trust issues because of that decimation as well.....
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Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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Celebrating five years of freedom
#11: April 29, 2020, 08:45:18 PM
MsMed - so freaking awesome to have updates from you.  Your strength, perseverance and positive attitude regarding the cancer and treatments is very inspiring. 

Yeah, this distance learning stuff is a crap shoot, to say the least.  Right now my seniors are pushing me to the max.  Some of them have just shut down and while I know it's a struggle for all of us, it just pains me see them throw away all those years of education and not graduate. 

So Puffy is still the Puffy I remember when I first met you in early 2016. 

We've come a long way, MsMed - a long, long way! 

Hope you'll continue to drop by with updates. 
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Together 15 years - married 7 years
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Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

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Celebrating five years of freedom
#12: May 04, 2020, 05:53:28 PM
Trust issues will haunt you for awhile.., until you find someone you feel is worth breaking the barrier for..

That’s what it is, a wall of absolute terror, fully constructed by the actions of someone else...

When my bestie hit me with that, I was done being afraid and started building my life again. No one gets to construct anything on my “property” without my consent.. So why build walls, that could potentially keep out, really amazing people?? You can’t take what the mlcer did to you, out on the new relationship.. BUT, BE HONEST... with whomever you are dating, that your divorce was a F5 tornado, and that triggers still happen... You have to realize someone else created a fear in you and it’s what holds most people down...

I don’t have that ability any longer, I stopped being afraid of being hurt, I get to decide what hurts and what doesn’t..

So what’s hurting (fear, keeping) you from creating the life you dream of???? What pre constructed walls, are in your house, that you didn’t put there?? Start remolding... knock them down.... It’s so worth it!!!!
Still, we’ve been through it haven’t we???? 😘😘😘😘😘


Hugs and kisses!!! 
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Celebrating five years of freedom
#13: June 09, 2020, 04:53:38 AM
Just journaling.. as sleep evades me due to the massive amount of steroids they pump me full of, during my “spa” treatments.. Ugh.. I should look like Arnold!!! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Well, the sins of the past came right out and bit me, square in the a$$ on Sunday. I had a total meltdown.. I tried, best I could, to shield Hunny from it but ohhhhh no, he ended up in the cross hairs of my hormonal rampage. I was angry because we are supposed to be in Vegas this week, celebrating, what we thought was the end of cancer and chemo.. Well, we aren’t because of corona and while we did find out we are beating the liver mets, they’ve shrunk to less than 50% of their original size, I couldn’t help but throw myself one hellva pity party...

All started because a girl that Hunny “dated” 20 plus years ago, messaged him on Facebook. He did tell me about it, she was asking how I was feeling. Ok, I’m not dumb and this girl has a lengthy history of sleeping with married men. Like years of it and yes, she’s married. She was married when she and Hunny hooked up, he had no idea until after it began. He ended it quickly, after finding about her hubby,  because she has kids and knew that the whole thing was wrong. She works in our district, different school. Just this past year, yet again, she’s busted, having another affair, with another teacher..  I’ve met her and until now I didn’t have an opinion.

Now I do. And it’s NOT Hunny’s fault. All he did was answer her by updating on my health and how great we are doing. For some reason, on Sunday, amongst all the other insanity, I got it stuck in my mind that she’s after him. Which could be actually true but see, Hunny is not. I devastated him when I sobbed, please don’t talk to her, she’s the devil... 

I instantly knew why I felt like this.. Triggers... And I knew I had to explain myself. Which, I did, between sobs, and watched my hubby listen and try to understand where I’m coming from. His response, I’m not him, I would never, and I’m sorry that you were treated so badly... I will not engage in any communication with her any further.

Wait, what??!? No screaming, fighting, just two adults, communicating and learning to understand the other. I honestly didn’t know how to respond, I’ve never been actually listened to, validated, understood like this... I felt like the worst wife in the world..

But I hurt him with my behavior and that’s what I can’t stand. He’s too good to me, my son, my entire family for him to jeopardize what we have.

It made me want to lash out at the right person. I’ve never given puffy the proper cussing I feel he’s earned. I wanted so badly to fire off an angry email rant of what a massive POS he is... but I didn’t. What good does it do?? None. It would change nothing and would make me look stupid, again. Nope, I decided it’s not worth it so here I am, venting to the only people that truly get it. Having a vanisher is difficult when it comes to letting go of the anger. I spent every interaction with puffy for the first 6 months, kissing his a$$, begging, pleading, quoting the Bible... Instead of standing up for myself and shutting the bully down, by completely and totally losing my sh$t. Even during the last conversation, in January of 2016 when I finally laid down my laws and boundaries, I did it like a kindergarten teacher!!! Ugh, the shoulda, woulda, coulda’s..

Oh well, the feeling to rage at him passed as quickly as it came. I know I will never get a response, only knee jerk reactions from a narcissistic sociopath, trying to cover his tracks.

And I thought I was so over it. Him, yes, the damage, well, that’s taking longer to repair than I ever expected. Thank God my husband loves me and gets it.. But he’s said, it’s time to let that go too because that kind of behavior and choices don’t happen here. What a great man he is, to be so honest and open, well I’m just lucky and I thank God every day for him.

Round 19 of chemo is Thursday.. I’d rather be anywhere else but I know we are almost there and the end is always the hardest, right?

Sending you lots of hugs and kisses!!! 💜💜💜😘😘😘😘
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Celebrating five years of freedom
#14: June 09, 2020, 09:58:24 AM
Ms Medfly - your post has deeply impacted me.   The last post on my thread explains why.  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11214.new#new
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"This too shall pass.  It might pass like a kidney stone but it will pass."
"Don’t blame a clown for acting like a clown.  Instead, ask yourself why you keep going to the circus."

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Re: Celebrating five years of freedom
#15: June 09, 2020, 11:36:18 AM
Big hugs, prayers, good vibes for chemo, MsMedfly! Always going up for you.

I had some triggers over the last year or so that helped me peel off another layer of the trauma onion (yes, even after all of these years!). It feels awful to go through. But you recognize it for what it is, which is HUGE, you addressed the concerns that those feelings conjured, and you will be better and stronger for it. For me, when you see how these "relationships" start from a vantage point that doesn't involve being an LBS, it really shows the pathology of it. It's a "thing" that people really do! We can truly never control others, but we have the power to know that no matter what situations we face, we can have our own backs. Vent here all you need to, as we truly get it!
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"Unconditional love is the highest of high standards, and while we are letting go of our need to control the process of anyone else, we are taking within our lives complete accountability for our own experience."

http://seriousvanity.com/how-to-cultivate-unconditional-love-and-change-the-world/

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Celebrating five years of freedom
#16: June 09, 2020, 11:53:16 AM
MsMdFly-

I'm sorry you're going through such an array of feelings, especially at a time like this.  I'm thinking of you and holding you close in prayer.  I can't even imagine what he'll others are going through on top of treatments. I pray all types of healing and restoration for you all.  No more treatments and a peaceful period of you two reconnecting and growing when this other stuff gets settled.  Hoping it continues to draw you two together to explore new things with new meanings.  Thinking of you...GGG
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Celebrating five years of freedom
#17: June 09, 2020, 12:09:45 PM
Thank you so much for your honesty in sharing that trigger moment. As you say, vanishers leave a lot of things unspoken for we LBS don't they? And it is hard and messy to clear up some of your own stuff in a kind of black hole lol. So many of us are prone to beating ourselves up about not entirely being 'trauma free'....we so want to be and it can be a bit disheartening when we realise we are not, even if it is just a little.

I DO like your h....how marvellously straightforward and understanding his response was....and I hope the two of you get to do Vegas before too long  :)
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: Celebrating five years of freedom
#18: June 10, 2020, 02:49:31 AM
Everything Treasur said. I'm so sorry you were triggered on a day that should have been a good day. BUt thank you so much for sharing, because in spite of you having moved on from Puffy, and now in a most wonderful relationship with a great man, you can still be triggered. The damage done to us by our MLCers is huge.

I just want to say that it's so helpful to see the reaction of a normal, healthy man to the approach from an OW type woman. He has no interest any way, but when he hears your pain, he will do whatever you need. And no monstering. We are not used to this, but this should be normal.

Sending you strength to get through the last chemos. x
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
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OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

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Re: Celebrating five years of freedom
#19: June 10, 2020, 05:18:00 AM
Trust your spidey senses- that woman could have reached out to you if she was really wanting to express concern for your well being. Nope, she was trying to soften the target- your hubby. Guess she has a playbook.

Anywho- here´s to you ticking off another chemo Rx on the road to recovery.

I´m 10+ years out and if I were to start listing all the ex crap, I´d get triggered too. I think we set it aside in a box, but the scars will always be there.

HUgs,
FTT
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me 51
H 51
M 27
BD 1/15/ 10 then BD 8/21/10
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