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Author Topic: My Story It’s about what I think of me.

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My Story It’s about what I think of me.
OP: May 04, 2020, 06:34:53 AM
New thread. I thought I would do a new thread

Old thread :
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11338.140

Quick recap
Ex h as he is now started affair aug14, left a week before Xmas 2014. 10 returns with 3 yrs of cake eating. Became a Vanisher when ow caught us having coffee July 17. Pops his head up about twice a yr to get back in touch with kids. Currently not a Vanisher except to me. Started his divorce July 17 and got his nisi Oct 18 and ow we think obtained absolute dec 19. Vanisher until nov 19 when started seeing s17 and sometimes d15 as they are now once a fortnight for a couple of hours. I was scum of the earth and wished I was dead when I approached to sort finances.
Currently messages me to ask how things are whilst in lockdown when ow not about.
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Me 52
H53
Divorced 3/dec/2019
Together 30yrs
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier. Finances Not yet finalised.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang for 3 yrs now Vanisher but  twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

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Re: It’s about what I think of me.
#1: May 04, 2020, 07:05:39 AM
Hmm, long post warning.
I have felt rather good during lock down. Don’t get me wrong it has been a struggle with 2 teenage kids, mother in the extreme group and unable to go out.  My alcohol consumption has increased slightly which I am now on a diet for so that I am not dangerous on social media lol. My weight has also increased and I am in discussion with my butt to not try to fill the sofa!
Ex h is in contact every 4 to 5 days to ask me how things are or is everything ok. He is careful to not specifically ask how I am. He did go quiet this last week which I did wonder if he was not in work and when he visited the kids yest at a social distance at the bottom of my drive, he did confirm that.

I have had time to look at myself and my ex h. I find that I am not as forgiving in his actions towards me. I am not fully angry, it is difficult to explain. I suppose it is a more bothered by it rather than angry or upset. It is also evident to me that I really don’t see him as that much of a loss in this version.

I am aware that I need to keep my distance as I believe that once this pandemic is under some form of control and lock down ends then I am prepared for the fact that I will once again be scum and not worthy of decent human treatment. I am again a secret from ow but who cares really. It is not my problem or lie or hiding from someone I am supposed to love and left my family for.
Ex h arrived yest with toiletries for the kids, half of which are products we don’t use but I didn’t say anything except thank you. I was not venturing outside but the inner door was open and you can see through the outer door and I could see him hovering. He motioned for me to go out. He wanted to give me out of date flea treatment for the cats and dogs. 4yrs our of date! Went in the bin but I again said thanks. Had a chat about key working and I said I will leave you to it. I had put camping chairs out and made everyone a drink. He opened his drink and went ooh and did a cocky smile at me. Poss thinking she made me a drink and got it right. Erm yes? It’s just tea!

I was bothered at one stage when during his showing of the products he had bought as I had to be shown every one and show appreciation, he produced a bottle of mould remover. I had previously in the week put on social media that I had been using a bleach product in my bathroom due to s17 long showers. I said oh don’t get me started on this product and he replied yes I saw, realised what he said and changed the subject. Later ow had to do a post on people’s lack of cleanliness in bathrooms. Oh dear, not enough drama. Ex h asked what I had been doing in diy way and I said I had discovered window film which just puts a thin film of colour or pattern on a plain window to which he replied that I was behind the times and he had used it yrs  ago. I resisted using my fingers to gesture my reaction.

So to my title. I find I am bothered what I look like in front of him but not for him if that makes any sense. I need to feel good and look good in front of him from I think a confidence point of view? It is not look at what you are missing. I have started weight watchers and purchased some nice makeup that I have not tried before to feel good about myself. It is also to look better and not worse once lockdown ends. My confidence in myself is one of my biggest lessons I am learning.

I need to keep my walls up and not get drawn into talks whilst ex h visits the kids. I don’t want it as I don’t want the possibility of either monster or emotional withdrawal of his attention. I don’t know how that sounds or what I mean by it. I don’t need his emotional attention but I also don’t want to go from getting along ok to up yours I won’t speak to you again now. I am worth more than that and I don’t have to put up with that treatment and I won’t. I am working through my emotional baggage and packing bits away and I don’t have room in my case for more.
Sorry for the long post. Xx
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Me 52
H53
Divorced 3/dec/2019
Together 30yrs
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier. Finances Not yet finalised.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang for 3 yrs now Vanisher but  twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

C
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It’s about what I think of me.
#2: May 04, 2020, 07:40:48 AM
😂😂😂

So he tries to weasel his way back in sheepishly with expired flea treatments. 🤣 *snort* 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

What a Romeo!

😂😂😂

And here you are dear, your wonderful contented self making the perfect cup of tea and worrying that maybe generous backsides have gone out of style (newsflash: they haven’t).

You have all the keys to the kingdom and instead of flaunting them you are trying to determine if they are good enough.

It’s not about comparison dear, it’s about knowing exactly the worth of what you have.
Do you want him back....make a list of why you don’t, make a list of what you really truly want in a relationship....what would suit you and make you feel loved and wanted and safe and what’s your love language.
For me it’s time, authenticity and soul baring communication along with the ability to self regulate ones own mindset and happiness and a sense of joy, wonder and adventure. My H isn’t that right now, but if he ever turns into that I may put him in the running...if not....I don’t want him and he wouldn’t suit me anymore.

Now, the keys to the kingdom. Look at you with unlimited access to children, nobody watching over your shoulder or monitoring you, you don’t have to sneak for a d&mn thing. And you know how to make yourself happy AND you are okay with yourself.....yasssssss flaunt it all.

Who the heck cares what he thinks, it isn’t his body, his life, his choices or his own personal happiness.....it’s yours....find your confidence in being utterly you with no apologies. (For me, praising myself when I made a choice or decision just for me helped me to be proud of myself and my choices)

It’s Sounds like you are doing an awesome job and just being at peace and mentally okay during quarantine is a major accomplishment.

❤️ Courage.
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Me 37
H 37
S15
Wallower/Chaos kid
EA discovered 3/31/2019
BD March 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

S
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It’s about what I think of me.
#3: May 04, 2020, 02:29:05 PM
RP -
You SHOULD be proud of yourself; you're amazing!
Others can see it - but I understand if you can't.
If only you could see what we see in you...
We live with so much doubt of ourselves through this ordeal, it's no wonder our self-esteem is crushed.

Proud of you for joining WW.
The new makeup is a good idea - for you -- to make yourself feel pretty.

You rock!

Sea

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Seahorses have one mate for life...

M
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Re: It’s about what I think of me.
#4: May 04, 2020, 05:02:19 PM
Rising, can't improve on what the others have said, but I'm here following your journey. A bit of movement with your H lately. A lot of movement from you. I mean that you are very good at responding and not reacting, not sure I'd be as good as you, although it's my aim to reach that point. There's a lot of positivity in you lately and I bet it shows.

Your H has really put you and your kids through the ringer. This recent change is interesting. He's trying, but he's trying like a child. His gifts remind me of when I was around 8 or 9 and would play 'going to visit my mother' as if I were a grown up, and would wrap up a gift to bring to her as is the formal way to behave, and my gift was the dirty hair brush I found in the bathroom. Still, I think there's some good intentions there. Better than the hatred he had recently. Good of you to not allow him to turn the drama back on and create an argument. Great lessons for all of us.
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

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It’s about what I think of me.
#5: May 11, 2020, 09:39:11 AM
Attaching my dear girl
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Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D6 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017
Moved in with Ow - November 2019
Ow met children - December 2019

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It’s about what I think of me.
#6: May 12, 2020, 03:29:08 AM
Following along RP.....
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Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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Re: It’s about what I think of me.
#7: May 12, 2020, 03:37:44 AM
Thank you for all coming along. Kids saw ex h on Friday for an hour. D15 said very awkward and he kept looking at the front door and had come in very short shorts with shaved and fake tan legs. D15 said his legs were orange.
The previous week he had let slip he had been off work for a week and was off last week also so I had asked if he would be seeing the kids more as nice weather and can sit at the bottom of the drive. He said yes he could! Did he? Nope, saw them once on Friday for an hour. I didn’t go out and asked s17 to shut the front door so I couldn’t be motioned outside.
I preceded to have wine and sunbathe in the back garden. Had afternoon tea later out the front for VE Day as others in the street were also but our road is a mixture of 1800 c 1900 and 1930’s houses and weirdly lauded out so I didn’t actually see any neighbours 🤣. Had my homemade bunting out and said hello to passers by whilst remaining 4 metres from the path.

Had a bit of an issue with texting mutiple people a load of gobbledygook including ex h. I text later to say ignore as load rubbish due to celebrations. Have ignored since as embarrassed rather! I was going to apologise but another hs member said pretend it never happened. Not heard from ex h. Silver linings 🤣
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Me 52
H53
Divorced 3/dec/2019
Together 30yrs
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier. Finances Not yet finalised.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang for 3 yrs now Vanisher but  twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1584
  • Gender: Female
  • Mlc- Cake eater for 3 yr now vanisher
Re: It’s about what I think of me.
#8: May 12, 2020, 03:38:58 AM
Thank you for all coming along. Kids saw ex h on Friday for an hour. D15 said very awkward and he kept looking at the front door and had come in very short shorts with shaved and fake tan legs. D15 said his legs were orange.
The previous week he had let slip he had been off work for a week and was off last week also so I had asked if he would be seeing the kids more as nice weather and can sit at the bottom of the drive. He said yes he could! Did he? Nope, saw them once on Friday for an hour. I didn’t go out and asked s17 to shut the front door so I couldn’t be motioned outside.
I preceded to have wine and sunbathe in the back garden. Had afternoon tea later out the front for VE Day as others in the street were also but our road is a mixture of 1800 c 1900 and 1930’s houses and weirdly laid out so I didn’t actually see any neighbours 🤣. Had my homemade bunting out and said hello to passers by whilst remaining 4 metres from the path.

Had a bit of an issue with texting mutiple people a load of gobbledygook including ex h. I text later to say ignore as load rubbish due to celebrations. Have ignored since as embarrassed rather! I was going to apologise but another hs member said pretend it never happened. Not heard from ex h. Silver linings 🤣
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Me 52
H53
Divorced 3/dec/2019
Together 30yrs
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier. Finances Not yet finalised.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang for 3 yrs now Vanisher but  twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

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It’s about what I think of me.
#9: May 12, 2020, 05:17:49 AM
Hi RP

You sound great!  I'm sure it's not fun, but you have hope, purpose and direction in your post.  ;). It sounds like growth to me.  I'm glad ex is trying to be civil.  Those nuggets are special from the monsters-lol.  Here"s a big hug to your new programs.  May you soar with success.  God Bless!! GGG
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