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Author Topic: My Story It’s about what I think of me.

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My Story It’s about what I think of me.
OP: May 04, 2020, 06:34:53 AM
New thread. I thought I would do a new thread

Old thread :
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11338.140

Quick recap
Ex h as he is now started affair aug14, left a week before Xmas 2014. 10 returns with 3 yrs of cake eating. Became a Vanisher when ow caught us having coffee July 17. Pops his head up about twice a yr to get back in touch with kids. Currently not a Vanisher except to me. Started his divorce July 17 and got his nisi Oct 18 and ow we think obtained absolute dec 19. Vanisher until nov 19 when started seeing s17 and sometimes d15 as they are now once a fortnight for a couple of hours. I was scum of the earth and wished I was dead when I approached to sort finances.
Currently messages me to ask how things are whilst in lockdown when ow not about.
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Me 52
H53
Divorced 3/dec/2019
Together 30yrs
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier. Finances Not yet finalised.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang for 3 yrs now Vanisher but  twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

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Re: It’s about what I think of me.
#1: May 04, 2020, 07:05:39 AM
Hmm, long post warning.
I have felt rather good during lock down. Don’t get me wrong it has been a struggle with 2 teenage kids, mother in the extreme group and unable to go out.  My alcohol consumption has increased slightly which I am now on a diet for so that I am not dangerous on social media lol. My weight has also increased and I am in discussion with my butt to not try to fill the sofa!
Ex h is in contact every 4 to 5 days to ask me how things are or is everything ok. He is careful to not specifically ask how I am. He did go quiet this last week which I did wonder if he was not in work and when he visited the kids yest at a social distance at the bottom of my drive, he did confirm that.

I have had time to look at myself and my ex h. I find that I am not as forgiving in his actions towards me. I am not fully angry, it is difficult to explain. I suppose it is a more bothered by it rather than angry or upset. It is also evident to me that I really don’t see him as that much of a loss in this version.

I am aware that I need to keep my distance as I believe that once this pandemic is under some form of control and lock down ends then I am prepared for the fact that I will once again be scum and not worthy of decent human treatment. I am again a secret from ow but who cares really. It is not my problem or lie or hiding from someone I am supposed to love and left my family for.
Ex h arrived yest with toiletries for the kids, half of which are products we don’t use but I didn’t say anything except thank you. I was not venturing outside but the inner door was open and you can see through the outer door and I could see him hovering. He motioned for me to go out. He wanted to give me out of date flea treatment for the cats and dogs. 4yrs our of date! Went in the bin but I again said thanks. Had a chat about key working and I said I will leave you to it. I had put camping chairs out and made everyone a drink. He opened his drink and went ooh and did a cocky smile at me. Poss thinking she made me a drink and got it right. Erm yes? It’s just tea!

I was bothered at one stage when during his showing of the products he had bought as I had to be shown every one and show appreciation, he produced a bottle of mould remover. I had previously in the week put on social media that I had been using a bleach product in my bathroom due to s17 long showers. I said oh don’t get me started on this product and he replied yes I saw, realised what he said and changed the subject. Later ow had to do a post on people’s lack of cleanliness in bathrooms. Oh dear, not enough drama. Ex h asked what I had been doing in diy way and I said I had discovered window film which just puts a thin film of colour or pattern on a plain window to which he replied that I was behind the times and he had used it yrs  ago. I resisted using my fingers to gesture my reaction.

So to my title. I find I am bothered what I look like in front of him but not for him if that makes any sense. I need to feel good and look good in front of him from I think a confidence point of view? It is not look at what you are missing. I have started weight watchers and purchased some nice makeup that I have not tried before to feel good about myself. It is also to look better and not worse once lockdown ends. My confidence in myself is one of my biggest lessons I am learning.

I need to keep my walls up and not get drawn into talks whilst ex h visits the kids. I don’t want it as I don’t want the possibility of either monster or emotional withdrawal of his attention. I don’t know how that sounds or what I mean by it. I don’t need his emotional attention but I also don’t want to go from getting along ok to up yours I won’t speak to you again now. I am worth more than that and I don’t have to put up with that treatment and I won’t. I am working through my emotional baggage and packing bits away and I don’t have room in my case for more.
Sorry for the long post. Xx
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Me 52
H53
Divorced 3/dec/2019
Together 30yrs
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier. Finances Not yet finalised.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang for 3 yrs now Vanisher but  twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

C
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It’s about what I think of me.
#2: May 04, 2020, 07:40:48 AM
😂😂😂

So he tries to weasel his way back in sheepishly with expired flea treatments. 🤣 *snort* 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

What a Romeo!

😂😂😂

And here you are dear, your wonderful contented self making the perfect cup of tea and worrying that maybe generous backsides have gone out of style (newsflash: they haven’t).

You have all the keys to the kingdom and instead of flaunting them you are trying to determine if they are good enough.

It’s not about comparison dear, it’s about knowing exactly the worth of what you have.
Do you want him back....make a list of why you don’t, make a list of what you really truly want in a relationship....what would suit you and make you feel loved and wanted and safe and what’s your love language.
For me it’s time, authenticity and soul baring communication along with the ability to self regulate ones own mindset and happiness and a sense of joy, wonder and adventure. My H isn’t that right now, but if he ever turns into that I may put him in the running...if not....I don’t want him and he wouldn’t suit me anymore.

Now, the keys to the kingdom. Look at you with unlimited access to children, nobody watching over your shoulder or monitoring you, you don’t have to sneak for a d&mn thing. And you know how to make yourself happy AND you are okay with yourself.....yasssssss flaunt it all.

Who the heck cares what he thinks, it isn’t his body, his life, his choices or his own personal happiness.....it’s yours....find your confidence in being utterly you with no apologies. (For me, praising myself when I made a choice or decision just for me helped me to be proud of myself and my choices)

It’s Sounds like you are doing an awesome job and just being at peace and mentally okay during quarantine is a major accomplishment.

❤️ Courage.
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Me 37
H 37
S15
Wallower/Chaos kid
EA discovered 3/31/2019
BD March 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

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It’s about what I think of me.
#3: May 04, 2020, 02:29:05 PM
RP -
You SHOULD be proud of yourself; you're amazing!
Others can see it - but I understand if you can't.
If only you could see what we see in you...
We live with so much doubt of ourselves through this ordeal, it's no wonder our self-esteem is crushed.

Proud of you for joining WW.
The new makeup is a good idea - for you -- to make yourself feel pretty.

You rock!

Sea

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M
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Re: It’s about what I think of me.
#4: May 04, 2020, 05:02:19 PM
Rising, can't improve on what the others have said, but I'm here following your journey. A bit of movement with your H lately. A lot of movement from you. I mean that you are very good at responding and not reacting, not sure I'd be as good as you, although it's my aim to reach that point. There's a lot of positivity in you lately and I bet it shows.

Your H has really put you and your kids through the ringer. This recent change is interesting. He's trying, but he's trying like a child. His gifts remind me of when I was around 8 or 9 and would play 'going to visit my mother' as if I were a grown up, and would wrap up a gift to bring to her as is the formal way to behave, and my gift was the dirty hair brush I found in the bathroom. Still, I think there's some good intentions there. Better than the hatred he had recently. Good of you to not allow him to turn the drama back on and create an argument. Great lessons for all of us.
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

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It’s about what I think of me.
#5: May 11, 2020, 09:39:11 AM
Attaching my dear girl
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Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D6 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017
Moved in with Ow - November 2019
Ow met children - December 2019

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It’s about what I think of me.
#6: May 12, 2020, 03:29:08 AM
Following along RP.....
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Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
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Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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Re: It’s about what I think of me.
#7: May 12, 2020, 03:37:44 AM
Thank you for all coming along. Kids saw ex h on Friday for an hour. D15 said very awkward and he kept looking at the front door and had come in very short shorts with shaved and fake tan legs. D15 said his legs were orange.
The previous week he had let slip he had been off work for a week and was off last week also so I had asked if he would be seeing the kids more as nice weather and can sit at the bottom of the drive. He said yes he could! Did he? Nope, saw them once on Friday for an hour. I didn’t go out and asked s17 to shut the front door so I couldn’t be motioned outside.
I preceded to have wine and sunbathe in the back garden. Had afternoon tea later out the front for VE Day as others in the street were also but our road is a mixture of 1800 c 1900 and 1930’s houses and weirdly lauded out so I didn’t actually see any neighbours 🤣. Had my homemade bunting out and said hello to passers by whilst remaining 4 metres from the path.

Had a bit of an issue with texting mutiple people a load of gobbledygook including ex h. I text later to say ignore as load rubbish due to celebrations. Have ignored since as embarrassed rather! I was going to apologise but another hs member said pretend it never happened. Not heard from ex h. Silver linings 🤣
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Me 52
H53
Divorced 3/dec/2019
Together 30yrs
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier. Finances Not yet finalised.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang for 3 yrs now Vanisher but  twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

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  • Mlc- Cake eater for 3 yr now vanisher
Re: It’s about what I think of me.
#8: May 12, 2020, 03:38:58 AM
Thank you for all coming along. Kids saw ex h on Friday for an hour. D15 said very awkward and he kept looking at the front door and had come in very short shorts with shaved and fake tan legs. D15 said his legs were orange.
The previous week he had let slip he had been off work for a week and was off last week also so I had asked if he would be seeing the kids more as nice weather and can sit at the bottom of the drive. He said yes he could! Did he? Nope, saw them once on Friday for an hour. I didn’t go out and asked s17 to shut the front door so I couldn’t be motioned outside.
I preceded to have wine and sunbathe in the back garden. Had afternoon tea later out the front for VE Day as others in the street were also but our road is a mixture of 1800 c 1900 and 1930’s houses and weirdly laid out so I didn’t actually see any neighbours 🤣. Had my homemade bunting out and said hello to passers by whilst remaining 4 metres from the path.

Had a bit of an issue with texting mutiple people a load of gobbledygook including ex h. I text later to say ignore as load rubbish due to celebrations. Have ignored since as embarrassed rather! I was going to apologise but another hs member said pretend it never happened. Not heard from ex h. Silver linings 🤣
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Me 52
H53
Divorced 3/dec/2019
Together 30yrs
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier. Finances Not yet finalised.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang for 3 yrs now Vanisher but  twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

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It’s about what I think of me.
#9: May 12, 2020, 05:17:49 AM
Hi RP

You sound great!  I'm sure it's not fun, but you have hope, purpose and direction in your post.  ;). It sounds like growth to me.  I'm glad ex is trying to be civil.  Those nuggets are special from the monsters-lol.  Here"s a big hug to your new programs.  May you soar with success.  God Bless!! GGG
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Re: It’s about what I think of me.
#10: May 14, 2020, 01:51:43 PM
I agree with Ggg, you do sound great. I like how you're observing your H - no emotion involved. I think I'm at this point, too.

Your VE tea out the front of the house in your neighbourhood sounds very cosy and charming. I also loved the sunbathing and wine in the back! You seem to be appreciating all the good stuff. And look, you even texted your H a load of gobbledygook and you're like 'whatever.' Isn't that great?
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

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It’s about what I think of me.
#11: May 14, 2020, 02:44:36 PM
Sunbathing and wine in the back--I feel like you and I could definitely hang out!

I am guilty if sending H LOTS of gobbledygook....especially when there is wine. It used to give me such anxiety and dread. And self loathing and shame. Now, it's more, eh. B/c usually it was something that I felt and left unsaid. So I got it out. Maybe not the most eloquent or articulate manner, but it got out and left my system nonetheless.  I'm glad you didn't address it to H.

Fake orange tan and shaved legs. Wow. That is a visual I am not sure I can "un-see."

Happy you are re-gaining, or even learning for the first time, confidence in yourself. We are all beat down mercilessly at BD. It is hard to get over those feelings of inadequacy. But the truth is, it is exactly the opposite. YOU, my beautiful friend, are far too good for H now. Add I'm guessing he is becoming very aware of this fact.

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H 47
S13
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

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Re: It’s about what I think of me.
#12: May 15, 2020, 03:21:16 AM
Thanks Ggg, Milly, kit.
I don’t know what my shift is or whether it will last but I know I will try my hardest to keep going forward and keep my distance. I am re focusing on my online courses as I seemed to put those in the back burner in the last couple of weeks. I am hoping working souring the day will motivate me further as my mind will be more occupied. We shall see.

I have not heard from ex h for a week which previously was not unusual as I was blocked but in the last couple of weeks , he would text every 3 to 4 days. Possibly annoyed I didn’t go out to see him in his short shorts on his last visit or annoyed I text rubbish however I am not blocked and I haven’t text since as I don’t need to.
S17 is annoyed his father has not been in touch since last Friday when he said he would try harder and has been in contact more. I knew it would slow down again. S17 did look at social media due to his annoyance and found ow having a rant about me not co parenting and I’m a narcissist and she heard all before blah blah blah and I stop my kids spending time with his new family because I have resentment towards his new relationship etc. Really! Still think I’m the problem the kids won’t and haven’t met you. In the same rant is the contradiction that I ask for co parenting to get face time with him. Mostly copied from the internet. I told son it’s just another attempt to elicit drama from me and I won’t offer any drama. I am no longer interested in co parenting as I have looked after my kids on my own for just over 5 yrs and asked for co parenting. I don’t need to now. Kids old enough make own decisions and that ok unless they are put in danger or upset then I step in which is very very rare now with their father.  May also be she has discovered his texting or doesn’t like him sitting outside my house as has no idea if or what talking to me about. Oh well. Not my problem. I just told son that it is very immature of her and to ignore. I have not asked for Co parenting for over 12 mths or more. I did send updates 12 mths ago but I no longer do that. I cut the replies to him down to 2 sentences in his last text if are we all ok. He text s17 that message this morn. I am definitely out of favour 🤣

Sometimes I think, I wonder why I am now out of favour but then quickly think oh well who cares, he will need me before I need him.
I rang the mortgage company yest and he still has not changed his address. Courts may be starting to return so they may shortly be able to action my application for finances which will probably annoy ex h. Damned if I do nothing and dammed if I do. Has to be completed! Divorced so needs sorting.

I am now set up for work at home and completed my first day yest. Day off today lol as I don’t work Fridays. Must say my dining room is freezing! Am doing my weight watchers diet and some exercise as my legs know that my weight is creeping up and to be fair, I have spoken to the bix of chocolates in the dining and advised them that the will be regimes to my mum shortly. 😂
 Sorry for the long rambling. Xx
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Me 52
H53
Divorced 3/dec/2019
Together 30yrs
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier. Finances Not yet finalised.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang for 3 yrs now Vanisher but  twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

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Re: It’s about what I think of me.
#13: May 15, 2020, 03:25:05 AM
Oh and d15 has just had her interview for prefect for school in sept if they are back at school. She is anxious to know if successful. Personally I think she did fab. One question was out of 10 characteristics such as helpful, thoughtful, responsible, resourceful etc, Was to choose 3 and explain why. Her last one she chose was that she is resourceful as she can use all the other characteristics as her resources to enhance her role as prefect.
I was so proud as so pleased that I raised with manners as the teacher asked if she was ok and she said fine thank you sir but how are you? Xx
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Me 52
H53
Divorced 3/dec/2019
Together 30yrs
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier. Finances Not yet finalised.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang for 3 yrs now Vanisher but  twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

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Re: It’s about what I think of me.
#14: May 15, 2020, 03:43:40 PM
Oh, Rising, your D15 is just a lady and a leader by the sounds of things. Hoping she gets the prefect roll.

Your H's OW sounds like mine. The posting that your H can't see his kids because you won't allow it because you are not happy with her, basically. My H's OW, when she sued my D22 and I a couple of years ago, had it put down that I am very angry at her because I'm jealous she's with my H. I think this is what this kind of OW needs. She needs us to be jealous because it gives her a buzz. This kind of OW doesn't just want our H for him, they want to know they took our husbands and that we're hurting. It's sick. Now, I think my H's OW is pathetic. I see it's a pattern with these OW who have serious issues. Unfortunately, whatever happened to them in the past, has now an affect on our family, us and our kids and our finances, so me, personally, I have no sympathy.

Anyway, you are a great mother. Of this there is no doubt. Your S17 being annoyed that his dad has not been in touch for days, shows he's a boy with feelings who knows that a dad should be in touch. He knows what's right.
Have a lovely weekend. xxx
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

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Re: It’s about what I think of me.
#15: May 18, 2020, 01:40:05 AM
I am having five min break from work. I have not had a neck ache at all whilst not working but as soon as I start work at my pc, within 10 minutes my neck is hurting. Need to try and get a better posture.

Nothing from ex h to me for over a week. Oh well. Whatever. It was ex h day to see the kids yest but also the first weekend he would have chance to get out on his motorbike with ow so he text s17 yest to say too cold and miserable so will come the next day. It was beautiful and warm. Sometimes there was a bit of cloud but it was still warm. How different the weather is 4 minutes up the road? I was annoyed as it was obvious what the real reason was but I didn’t say anything and the kids are not bothered if the see him or not. S17 was annoyed a little as it’s the messing about and last minute or the let down that ex h said he would see them more but didn’t. If ex h didn’t say anything about coming then s17 wouldn’t pursue it. D15 really could care less. She doesn’t respond to text etc. Unsure why I was annoyed and kids not or are for about 2 seconds then yeh whatever.

I did wonder if I feel it a bit of control that he chooses when and if he comes round with no regard for my plans etc but I suppose at present I don’t have any plans other than work in my dining room and house jobs.

No acknowledgement of any of that business I think is best as ow apparently on a social media rant about my co parenting. They have heard it all before blah blah blah( she did actually put that)! And that you can’t co parent with a narcissistic or with some that has mental health. The other parent is bitter about the relationship breakup and uses the kids in mind games and only asks for co parenting for face time with the ex h. Hmm I did wish to co parent when my kids were 9 and 11 and prob until last yr but I have zero wish to co parent since he didn’t wish to and any info I gave him, he didn’t act in anyway. My kids are just 15 and 17 so I don’t see much co parenting needed and I have done it in my own for 5.5yrs so no co parenting needed. I do apparently play mind games using the kids whilst looking like parent of the yr on social media. Not going to bite as not worth giving them drama. Happy people? Don’t think so but hey who knows.

Personally don’t think I do but if any one who is in my fb thinks I do, please let me know. Mostly about wine drinking.

D15 is still waiting to hear about being a prefect. Wish they would hurry up as making her anxious.
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Me 52
H53
Divorced 3/dec/2019
Together 30yrs
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier. Finances Not yet finalised.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang for 3 yrs now Vanisher but  twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

s
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It’s about what I think of me.
#16: May 19, 2020, 03:58:45 AM
I don’t think you play the perfect parent role because we all know there is no such thing as a perfect parent. We all just middle through the best we can.
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BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017
Moved in with Ow - November 2019
Ow met children - December 2019

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Re: It’s about what I think of me.
#17: May 23, 2020, 04:58:30 AM
The weather up until yest was beautiful and the kids and I were desperate to get out. We didn’t go out when the weather was lovely but decided to go out yesterday when it was rather windy. As a member of the national trust we decided to go to a wood near Cheadle. The car park is small so only 3 cars can get in and it is large and lots of different walks through the woods. The kids wanted to go to the beach but there is no way I’m going to the beach as everyone is going and there is no social distancing! It’s ridiculous. I thought the British were doing quite well in following lockdown however quite a lot are not! Ex h came on Monday to see kids for an hour as not seen them for a week and a half. Apparently he kept looking at the front door as son had to ask what he kept looking at. I did wave goodbye when the kids came in. He waved back and smiled. S17 has asked ex h to see them more this week and ex h agreed. Ex h has NOT seen the kids more this week. He has text once to ask how we all are to son. Son has not replied. I passed ex h on Wednesday at an island in the car and I am good enough to call out of my house to give me 4yr out of date flea treatment but completely ignore me on the road because ow in the car. That has rather annoyed me as I’m good enough to call out of the house to show me what he purchased for us and give me the 4 yr out of date flea treatment but Can’t even look at me when drive past. Fine, I won’t be supplying cup of tea in future. Probably mean.

I did have a thought and poss that’s my issues but I did wonder if ow gave ex h the flea stuff to cause harm to my animals as ex h still classes my dog as his dog and is not affectionate to her dog really. I found it strange that the flea treatment was not good enough for her dog and cats but it is for mine? I don’t think ex h even knew it was that out of date. Ex h has also stopped texting me and the visiting has dropped off so I wonder if ow AGAIN discovered ex h texting me. Only text about kids and how are we all. I can’t see issue with that really but hey ho. It is what it is. I have not text to ask how he is. It’s not that I wish him harm but I don’t feel the need to but also that I feel it gives him the wrong impression that I’m keen? Perhaps again that is my issue? But does seem coincidence that ow had to rant about co parenting that they are unable to with me but when I have tried to co parent that I’m after her boyfriend. Insecure much? Certainly not after her boyfriend!

I would like to explain why the kids don’t reply but there is really no point in pointing anything out as it will just give him drama and I shouldn’t have to explain to an adult about behaviour. Xx
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Re: It’s about what I think of me.
#18: May 25, 2020, 05:30:03 PM
Hi all fellow lbs, I hope you are all well. I am having difficulty sleeping lately. I’m having weird dreams re ex h and ow. I remember them as they wake me up but by the morning, I can’t remember what they were really about. Seems odd really.
Today I took the kids for a drive. We try to go some where where there is very few people. Today we went to another national trust site that is actually in the sea front. It is not a beach as such but where the sea carves little rivers in the sand when out and the sand has little boats dotted about. It was very quiet. We could see the car park of the beach front about a mile down the round and it was packed with probably a thousand cars. We left when more people arrived to take their boats out as the see was coming in. When we arrived their were a couple of people sitting in cars and one family the other side of a sand bank. We sat by our car and got some rays. We were only there just over an hour. We have got out of the house twice and been lucky in choosing places that are where few people want to go.

Ex h came on Sunday. He wasn’t going to and wanted to come today but I said it wasn’t convenient as it’s my only day off and I wanted to do a picnic with the kids as the weather wasn’t good over the weekend. I think he had a bit of a moan as asked s17 why he had to re arrange even though he didn’t actually say he was coming until Sunday afternoon.

Ex h sat at the end of my drive however, when I look at my kids have forgotten social distancing and showing him things in their phones. He stayed about an hour, I didn’t go out. When s17 came back in he said that his father thought dark grey skirting boards would go well with my new light grey paint as I’m painting my living room. I said how did you get into my decorating and s17 said his father asked what I was doing. S17 replied decorating and you don’t speak to her anyway and stopped texting her to which he replied “ well err , it’s awkward isn’t it err, this lockdown has been difficult for all so we can all go out and catch up after”  well I will believe it when I see it and sounds possibly like ow has discovered his texting me.

I think 2 outings is enough for now and see how things go with lockdown easement. Am currently looking for a locust, I accidentally let loose in s17 bedroom. The last one I accidentally let out was found in the hall ceiling the next day. 😡 tbh they are better than a cricket singing in your bedroom at 3 am and you can’t get it. Took me 2 days to get that one. Xx
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Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier. Finances Not yet finalised.
Crazy divorce started by him.
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Re: It’s about what I think of me.
#19: May 26, 2020, 03:08:30 AM
Am currently looking for a locust, I accidentally let loose in s17 bedroom. The last one I accidentally let out was found in the hall ceiling the next day. 😡 tbh they are better than a cricket singing in your bedroom at 3 am and you can’t get it. Took me 2 days to get that one. Xx

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#20: May 26, 2020, 03:38:52 AM
I think we will have to nickname your XH yo-yo because he is literally up and down like one! One minute he’s up and doing things then he’s not. Crazy behaviour
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#21: May 26, 2020, 09:48:57 AM
Yes, he is crazy and, like so many, under total control of OW. Yes, it is a choice. But it is a choice they make when in their crazy frame of mind.

Good luck with the locust. My 2 cats would have fun with that!

I do love hearing about your adventures with your children. You always do so many fun things with them and constantly thinking of ways to improve their lives. That is the essence of being a parent. The work is tiresome yes. But the rewards are immeasurable. 
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#22: May 29, 2020, 05:16:27 PM
Um - Hilarious that I remember those commercials from childhood!

RP - Catching up on your thread.
It sounds like maybe ow did get hint that H was texting you.
I don't think the expired flea meds would hurt your pets, so no malicious intent there, I don't think.
But why would you not just throw them away?
Perhaps she feels you and your animals are not worth in-date items?

H seems to have a jellyfish spine right now.
Keep growing and enjoying your time with your kids.
That's what they'll remember.
And I think it's awesome that S17 called him out on not talking to you or seeing you.
Out of the mouths of babes (teenager babes)!

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Re: It’s about what I think of me.
#23: June 04, 2020, 05:36:11 AM
I just thought I would do a quick update of my thoughts today.

I am a bit annoyed. Took me 4 days to register the annoyance. Ex h came a bit more regularly after son stated ex h had not visited when he had agreed to attend more. Well that dropped off again. Ex h had said To kids “ I will come thurs as I can spend more time with you” at thurs visit, “ can’t stop long but will come Monday and can spend more hours with you” ex h texts kids on Sunday to say “ I will visit today so as not to interrupt you day tomorrow” interrupt what? Are we doing something that the kids and I don’t know about? I know I can get forgetful but I don’t remember organising anything! Oh what you mean is ow changed her shift so you cant spend more time at mine!! No worries as not me missing out.

Now the bit that’s annoyed me is ex h visited Sunday and I was out the front as I was painting and that was what I had organised so wasn’t changing my plans for him. My car had died the day before. Visit goes like this :
Ex h arrives and asks if he is to now sit on the floor as there is no travel chair put out in readiness for him.  Had a look under my bonnet as my car died yest and son had text and asked what to do without my knowledge. Ex h replied ring breakdown cover. Ex h gave his opinion with s17 under bonnet. Obviously he uses better oils and coolant 🤐🥱 short shorts again with orange, shaven legs and needs to do his fake tan better round base of feet. I said about sitting out back as better for dog and he ignored it, I said I text to say this was an option so the dog was not in the heat but that he hadn’t read it and not replied and he pulled a face and shrugged and then said I will text every couple days if makes you feel better, I replied no it’s ok. Ex h asked about add blue which goes in my car and I said it does emissions and gives you 1500 miles before it cuts you off and he said that’s not enough for you though with a grin. Who knows what that means but then got fed up of me and said do you want to get kids a drink then which was basically piss off. I also said do you want a drink hot or cold. He said hot tea with a bit of cold water. I said I know!! I took it out in a normal cup and he said oh a normal cup, I don’t get my plastic travel cup. I said you can have your plastic travel cup if you want! Told me what to do to paint my cabinet as I was out front painting my cabinet. Asked who putting down carpet tiles down and I said me. I did I may show you when finished and he grunted and shrugged his shoulders so I said ok possibly not and he replied you suggested, I’m not holding you to ransom! I went in.  I went out when he started my car to see why and he said my car needed a hoover! I have two teenagers who like to eat. If you don’t like it don’t get in it! I had to be told re 2 metres by kids so forgot even though am always telling the kids. Really it was still a metre away, to which ex h replied, I share everything and I couplet help it but I said “ I could comment on that but I won’t” his response” best not to” with a grin. He then said he was going but would come tues or weds or both and may have a look at unblocking my kitchen sink as I was currently trying to unblock it. He then left and said as he was getting in his car, I’m now getting into a clean car! I told him to shut his cakehole. 

So what am I annoyed about. Well really the way I was spoken to about the carpet tiles and text, which he still hasn’t read , prob just because he can.

So my questions to myself are:
Why am I bothered how he spoke and just shrug off
Why am I annoyed not read text? Well it’s not that he hasn’t, it’s more the reason he hasn’t.
Why do I now feel the need to say stuff you, bring your own firestrucking chair and hot tea in a travel mug d I won’t bother texting you again.
Why I will be saying, going no where near my sink as I have partially unblocked it myself and as my non working day tomorrow, I will sort it.

To top it off , he didn’t visit tues or weds and no text to say why, just asked son if we were all ok.

Do I have foo issues lol
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Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier. Finances Not yet finalised.
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Re: It’s about what I think of me.
#24: June 04, 2020, 06:00:42 AM
No honey, I just think you engage too much when he comes to visit the kids.
No matter what he says, it's going to irritate you.

Maybe just go somewhere or do something away from him.
Yes I agree, bring your own chair and cup.  You're not his mother, or his wife.  It's not really too much to ask of him.  He's darn lucky you brought him tea.
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#25: June 04, 2020, 06:04:23 AM
Do I have foo issues lol

No, you have a MId-Lifer with issues..... LOTS of issues..... a whole huge


And following up on Thunder's comment,
Quote from: Thunder
He's darn lucky you brought him tea.
and didn't pour it in his lap!
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#26: June 04, 2020, 06:07:50 AM
Well, I'd suggest you were annoyed bc a) he sounds like a large irritating child and b) he is offering opinions for which you didn't ask with a side spin of snottiness and c) he sounds as if he swans in and out but expects a small red carpet...or in his case a special chair and sippy mug ::)
So, someone who is, frankly, rather annoying. I felt irritated just reading it lol. I would have been thinking F off too  :)
Nothing wrong with you, RP.

Does it bother you beyond him just being an annoying knatlike a$$ of a person? Well, only you know that.
My only suggestion is to treat him like a boring, pompous neighbour who stops to tell you how to mow your lawn....go hmmm for a bit then shut the convo down. And personally I wouldn't accept his 'help' with anything or let him cross the threshold.....
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Re: It’s about what I think of me.
#27: June 04, 2020, 06:45:58 AM
Thanks, for replies, thunder, um and tresur

Thunder, I do normally avoid but decided to not avoid on Sunday as I was already out painting and he changed to that afternoon from the Monday at short notice or he calls me out like the flea treatment. I will have to say sorry can’t at the moment. 

Um always appreciate the gif. Resisted urge to drop in lap.

Treasur, I Just ignored the irritation tbh and I think the annoyance came later when he let my kids down AGAIN! ,that he is not reading or replying is to goad a reaction. Not going to happen to your face My ex h! I mean, why ask the question of who is putting my carpet tiles down or where I got them from and how much were they, oh and that they are a colour he would of chosen! Oh I’m so pleased they are the perfect colour! I think being cooped up with 2 teenagers is making me less tolerant of stupid behaviour.
Ex h will not be crossing the threshold. As a song from one of the musicals my D15 listens too goes “ I’m not the damsel in distress, I’m not your girlfriend or the frightened princess, nope I’m the bad guy” ( well ex wife)🤣🤣
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Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier. Finances Not yet finalised.
Crazy divorce started by him.
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Re: It’s about what I think of me.
#28: June 04, 2020, 06:56:25 AM
Rising, of course you get annoyed when he does show up to see the kids when he says he is.  You're their mother.

Unfortunately the kids are going to need to deal with him not being a good father anymore.  He picks n chooses when he will come.  But they'll get tired of it, and that will be on him to fix.
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#29: June 04, 2020, 07:16:50 AM
You get annoyed because your a human
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#30: June 04, 2020, 12:50:59 PM
Oh Rising, depending on the particular day, I too get very annoyed. It is usually when I start thinking of the hypocrisy of things--ie: H asking all kinds of questions as to my whereabouts, etc., when he reveals nothing about his own life. Not that I ever ask. Or want to know.

I think your Ex is trying to "fit in" in a very uncomfortable situation that of course he created. But he is obviously uncomfortable--as are most MLCers. And as reflected in the orange shaved legs. Looking constantly for a new identity to see what fits. And then to be back at his original home with you and the kids, everyone doing so well, moving on in life, and he had nothing to do with any of it. Must be difficult for him and so like many mlcers, tries to take control of the situation. But well, he failed pretty miserably didn't he?

But, I get being annoyed. Happens to all of us b/c we are NORMAL. And they are just not.

Good on you for fixing that sink too. ;)
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#31: June 05, 2020, 01:11:05 AM
Your H reminds me a lot of D3 - except I understand it more with her because you know she’s 3. She wants a chocolate bar until she sees her sister with a lollipop and then she wants both.
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#32: June 05, 2020, 08:55:40 AM
Your H reminds me a lot of D3 - except I understand it more with her because you know she’s 3. She wants a chocolate bar until she sees her sister with a lollipop and then she wants both.

So, basically like any MLCer. LOL
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#33: June 06, 2020, 10:24:59 AM
Rising:

Catching up and so sorry that your H is so oblivious and does not have the gumption to understand or see his inconsistencies and what would be normal boundaries for someone who is no longer a part of the family - in the true sense.
Yes, he's the children's father, but he is not acting like one or like a husband, so he really should be able to see how awkward he makes this for himself as well as you and the kids.
I'm sorry that it made you irritated, but hopefully realization of his "lostness" will be a balm on that for you.

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#34: June 07, 2020, 07:55:44 AM
Man child is throwing a tantrum. Ex h was due to see kids on Monday but changed to Sunday last week. He was due to see them on Tuesday or weds this past week but then didn’t with no explanation and text kids, “how are you all”   They didn’t reply and that’s not my issue. Yest I had a text from ex h asking how was things my end and did I get my car sorted. I replied car sorted and it was reset. I didn’t mention how we were.
ex h text kids his usual duplicate texts as he cant do individual ones . The text “ text you both with no reply, ok then! “

D15 says well that p^**sed me off so I def won’t be replying. S17 May reply” you said you were visiting tues or weds, and didn’t with no explanation even after I complained the week before about you keep letting us down and changing things last minute.

S17 is autistic and hates change at the last minute.

In the past I would of advised him of the issue but it’s not for me to do and it usually got me monster. I did do a quick update this morn before I knew about text re how the kids are. Obviously I was a bit late 😂 as ex h must be feeling a little neglected. Tantrum followed. Xx
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Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier. Finances Not yet finalised.
Crazy divorce started by him.
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#35: June 07, 2020, 04:12:38 PM
RP -
So sorry that you got man-child tantrums today.
You and I are in quite a pickle with these monsters...

Your kids sound strong, and you've been a good example for them!
Keep it up.

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#36: June 08, 2020, 09:19:15 AM
I mean they act like children. Actually, in many of our case they are far less mature than their own children.  In their current state? Completely undatable.  Well for those of us with even half a brain and self respect. OW on the other hand, perfect match.

Love the way to respond to him. Perfect!! 
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#37: June 11, 2020, 04:35:52 PM
Well I had a text from ex h to say that had text kids but  no reply, I debated whether to ignore or reply.
I replied. I started with “ I don’t comment any longer but as you have mentioned it I will respond. I told him I honestly wasn’t having a go but if we look at the last month of visits and non visits after saying would visit etc. Pointed out what he has missed these passed yrs such as prom, plays, awards and it is not my circus re how my kids respond to their father. They are 15 and 17 and s17 will be driving next yr and going in pubs. I Must admit i did also point out that when ex h changes the goal post that the kids think, dad had a better offer or dads girlfriend got time off and he prefers her company or my personal favourite, dads girlfriend got time off and he isn’t allowed round. I said that it takes 20 seconds  to tell the kids you can no longer make it. I said, I don’t need to co parent any longer or wish to as they are nearly adults. I finished with, he was welcome to visit as often as he liked  I hoped he was well. 

Probably a bit naughty so I got monster. Not as bad as others, a dummy throwing exercise. Text received stating he won’t be asking anything anymore as I said the kids are nearly adult and the kids get bored and go on phones so why would he stay long. He ignored the part about not visiting the Tuesday or Wednesday and the fact he didn’t let anyone know. Ex h finished with, if the kids have something to say then they better do so.

I did consider replying but I decided not to play. 40 minutes later ex h text d15 ( as not talking to mum or s17) if she was up for a visit! We were having a walk so she replied yes but we are out. He said to text him on our return. Ex h came round.

Now we get the complete opposite. I have done a patio bit in my back yard so that we are no longer sitting out the front of the house. 2 metres apart. I told son to get his father to go through side gate. S17 asked if he gave his dad an option and I said no. I took out a cup of tea and said hi, ex h says it’s a bit messy under the car port and I said yes as I have little time but you are welcome to sort it ( said with a smile) I get called out by son, ex h tells me how to grow a rose by sticking it in a potato just before it dies. Ex h says you know like a red rose. ( I didn’t rise to that). Ex h wants to know what’s in my greenhouse. I show ex h. I go back in. I am called out by s17, ex h wants to know if I have a certain video of kids when little as he would like to have a copy. I show ex h video by passing phone and sanitising on return. We have a bit of a laugh, s17 is getting anxious about how much time I’m out with them. I retreat with my wine. By time ex h goes I have had a lot of wine. Ex h goes through gate, d15 dances with me in porch to my music playing low in the kitchen. Both kids then stand 2 metres from car and I am in the porch. D15 and I mirror dance moves with each and ex h laughs and tells s17 to rescue me as I am p***ed. Actually I was merry but not pi^**ed.

Neither of us have text since tues and ex h said no to kids asking him to go for a walk with us or enter the house due to his job and coronavirus. Unsure if that’s the true reason but sensible for me any way.

I have not yet sent the video of the kids. I will as he asked but my hesitation has been ow showing it around and saying look at my kids as we have had that in the past. The words Our daughter was present in a post. Never met kids and thought d15 was 10yrs old and was in fact she was 12.5yrs at the time. A friend said who cares if she does as she knows nothing else about them so won’t be able to answer questions and even if she doesn’t admit it, it will bother her seeing his kids and that I’m their mum and that he has asked for the video
That’s my week so far xx
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Me 52
H53
Divorced 3/dec/2019
Together 30yrs
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier. Finances Not yet finalised.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang for 3 yrs now Vanisher but  twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

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#38: June 12, 2020, 05:51:47 AM
Rising-

H seems to have been affected by your response and truth darts.
Good boundaries.

And it was good for him to see you having fun with your daughter (even if you were a little "merry").

He's off to cook some more.
At least he's still around for the kids, and the kids are accepting of him in his current lost state.
I believe that will help the potential for reconnection more than most know.

Hugs,
Sea
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#39: June 18, 2020, 05:35:27 AM
Journaling. Or moping, I’m not sure what really at present. I am feeling a bit isolated tbh and I know everyone is at the moment. I suppose I feel more lonely than usual. My kids I love but at the moment I feel like I’m just there to feed them and clean up as they really don’t venture out of their rooms. S17 I find I have to nag to do things and I get mini monster and d15 is moody. I don’t need a husband or mum as I have s17 and d15 to fill those gaps!

Ex h has not been in contact or visited for a week and a half. I sent him a screen shot of d15 successful in her local drama school audition but he is no longer reading my what’s app. I suppose sometimes it feels like a slap as I got monster last tues, then tues eve fine and laughing then ignore even a basic text re d15.

There has been no mention between us of the finances form. I haven’t started other then the first page. I am trying to find the motivation to do it.
I keep telling myself that I need to accept he is happy in his life and is not interested in the kids and really loathes me. Perhaps he really does wish I was dead and wants the abuse to stop. Have no idea what the abuse is other than asking him to do his part in the finances, divorce and kids. He perceives that as abuse in his current state?
I did find it odd that he was annoyed that a friend took advantage and seemed to be annoyed on my behalf. I am now firmly back locked in the closet and am no longer included in texts to kids. That has changed from all to both.

I don’t like having to keep reminding myself of his happiness else where and how his behaviour has been towards me. I know people in rl say to move on and you should of by now. I have made tremendous progress in moving forward and do wish I had moved on. I get annoyed with myself for not. Perhaps I never truly will.

I am hoping that I will feel better when I can work back in the office and be able to go out with friends, even for a coffee. Xx
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Me 52
H53
Divorced 3/dec/2019
Together 30yrs
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier. Finances Not yet finalised.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang for 3 yrs now Vanisher but  twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

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#40: June 18, 2020, 07:09:51 AM
FWIW moving on is something that happens in time. You’ll find one day it’s happened. You can’t force it. It’ll come when the time is ready.
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#41: June 18, 2020, 10:48:18 AM

I keep telling myself that I need to accept he is happy in his life and is not interested in the kids and really loathes me. Perhaps he really does wish I was dead and wants the abuse to stop. Have no idea what the abuse is other than asking him to do his part in the finances, divorce and kids. He perceives that as abuse in his current state?


Well as happy as someone who has completely checked out of his own life in exchange for a new one can be I suppose.  I think what we really need to accept is that our beloved H's have changed for the worse. They are not real "stand-up" guys in their current state. And whether they will become decent humans again remains to be seen.

You are hurting now which is totally normal and human. Your life has completely changed in a flash. And sometimes facing the reality of it all is difficult, if not impossible.  But I truly believe we must feel every ounce of this hurt in order to get to the next phase of healing. That if we somehow just skated through it all, as we see some of our MLCers doing, we would only have to face much deeper pain later. But I am sorry you are having a sad day nonetheless. I definitely relate to that feeling of isolation. And it isn't fun. But this too shall pass. Hugs friend.
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#42: June 18, 2020, 12:58:37 PM
Hey RP,

I can also relate to the feelings of isolation and being lonely. On an evening my kids are also in their rooms chatting to friends etc. I have had some very low evenings and some where I just read, watch tv and do things for myself. This stage we are in now will pass as our children get older. I am telling myself to enjoy it all as best I can. I also found it very difficult to do Form E. I actually ended up doing it right at the last minute. I think that the sadness of it all - that it has all come down to money - was just too overwhelming. Take things at your own pace and don't expect any input from your H especially as he is likely to come off worst in the hearing. I think that it is difficult not to think of the way we have been treated at times. We wouldn't be human if it did not affect us. I suppose it depends on what you mean by moving on - a good start is not thinking about whether or not he is happy - focus on your own happiness. You got this! Sending support, PG xxx
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#43: June 18, 2020, 01:31:17 PM
I would humbly suggest that what you think he feels or thinks doesn't matter....you can't know actually, just that his behaviour is either a) infantile or b) tone deaf to other people's needs and feelings or c) angry and blaming anyone else but himself....

This isn't how normal healthy adults behave, RP, let alone healthy parents, let alone someone who is content, happy and at peace with their life. It just isn't. Hanging around on the edge of the disordered sandpit for a while makes it easy for us all to forget that imho, that's normal.....as is feeling isolated, tired of being the only sane adult and doing the adulting tough stuff in the current circumstances. As Kit says, and you know, let all those normal feelings wash through bc this patch will pass. But we get that it sucks like a big fat ball of suck  :) xxx
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H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
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#44: June 18, 2020, 01:48:21 PM
Thanks, sachet, kit, pg and treasur. I needed some wise words. Treasur made me laugh with sucks with a big ball of suck.

A friend said, you are just fed up of a lot of things so it brings focus back to ex h. Yes I think that is it, plus having to do my E form. It will pass.

I didn’t think I would actually miss going to work. I’m working remotely in my dining room. I would love to be able to go to the office and work, who knew!!

Right that’s it, tomorrow is another day. Need to get up and pick my crown back up and put it on and pull my big girl pants up! X
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Me 52
H53
Divorced 3/dec/2019
Together 30yrs
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier. Finances Not yet finalised.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang for 3 yrs now Vanisher but  twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

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#45: June 18, 2020, 02:33:15 PM
Attaching
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M-42
H-44
S-20 (mine)
D-18 (ours)
S-15 (ours)
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17 (told me 4 days before)
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
New GF 2/29/20 (Told me 4/22/20)
Marrying her 4/24/20 (Told me 4/22/20)

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11404.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

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#46: June 20, 2020, 02:47:30 AM
My personal theory is when people are happy they don’t need to drag people down.

Close your eyes and imagine massimo (365 days) has swept you off your feet. Your deliriously happy. Are you going to act the way he does? No Ofcourse your not. That says it.
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#47: June 29, 2020, 07:05:36 AM
An update but not much to say but long anyway 😂
It was my first wedding anniversary as a divorced woman, I suppose my first not wedding anniversary on Saturday. I dont think I felt too bad.

After speaking to son on the Friday on a road trip and my ic on the Saturday morning, I decided that my wedding anniversary as a divorced woman is my new yr. My ic pointed out that I was divorced just before Xmas so all of 2020 I have been single but due to coronavirus I haven’t had the opportunity to explore that and with ex h visiting the kids in my back garden that has taken me back a couple of steps. It is sort of normal to be a family but not normal at the same time? We formulated a plan as my ic feels that ex h is in a fantasy bubble where I text and he thinks, yay two woman after me! Doesn’t matter that my text is about the kids or the dog, it could be anything but it’s attention. When I truth dart, I burst his bubble and he goes away hurt and sulking until he needs another fix from me for whatever he doesn’t get from ow. Ic also thinks that he has not a lot of say at ow house as her house so he sees my home as his still ( it is legally) so likes to try to have a say.

So back to my plan, I text ex h happy anniversary and that I know it isn’t but it was a good memory and worth remembering and that as he doesn’t read or reply to texts ( the sulking from truth other Week) that I will be signing off from texting. When ex h visits which has currently dropped off tbh, I will make him a drink and leave the house without letting him know so he can’t call me outside or ask me for things. In a couple of weeks If Lockdown ok then ex h can take kids for a walk with our dog, not ow dog so I don’t need to leave house and he won’t be in my garden.

When I spoke to son the day before, he said “ mum you need to let go of caring if dad contacts us or not as we don’t care. I know you say he gets away with doing as he pleases and let’s us down but he had his chance and we no longer care if he comes or not or text or not.” My response to that on my new yr day was to print off an A4 quote of not my circus, not my monkeys and i have stuck it to my fridge so that when I am getting frustrated it’s ex h, the quote will remind me that my kids don’t care so I shouldn’t.

My ic said unfortunately ex h sees what I do as abuse and doesn’t realise that the little bit of relationship that he has with his kids is because of me facilitating and truth darts.

I ordered a couple of new dresses and back on diet and looking after me and kids. Xx
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Me 52
H53
Divorced 3/dec/2019
Together 30yrs
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier. Finances Not yet finalised.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang for 3 yrs now Vanisher but  twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

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#48: June 30, 2020, 01:26:24 AM
Rising, I like your plan. I also really like your A4 quote!! Sounds perfect.
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Moved in with Ow - November 2019
Ow met children - December 2019

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#49: June 30, 2020, 04:51:35 AM
Hey RP, you are sounding good and sounds like you have been doing some useful reflection. Things on your terms is the way forward. My kids say the same things about their Dad - they are not bothered any more that he doesn't visit them. Focus back 100% on yourself and the kids - as your quote says - not your circus! x Sending support, PG xxx   
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#50: June 30, 2020, 06:56:11 AM

I ordered a couple of new dresses and back on diet and looking after me and kids. Xx

Perfect--and that is all we can really do right? Look after ourselves and our children? B/c Lord knows, these MLCers won't. A visit in a beach chair for 30 minutes once a fortnight does not a parent make. But they cannot see this.

Boy, your H sounds so much like mine. I never realized how important my role was in his relationship with his OW. How sad. And sick.

Happy New Year to you Rising. I see great things for your future.
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#51: July 20, 2020, 09:00:14 PM
Journaling. I am currently looking at my form E got finances that needs to be in by next Tuesday. Just can’t seem to get my head round it.  Ex h is a twat. I am back to being scum but I deliberately don’t hide when he comes to pick up son. Daughter will have a chat if asked to with her father but otherwise uninterested in him.

Cant seem to get out of my head if he is happy with her, I fell very low at present and unsure if that’s due to the last bit of our life being finalised in the finances. I am so annoyed with myself that I am 1. Unable to move on from this man and 2. That I have managed from bd1 in 2014 and all the $h!tee since till now without anti depressants but have had to succumb to them.

Ex h bought son back from a walk on sat eve and asked me how my mri went the previous day. I said I felt a bit ill after it and still didn’t feel right that day. He commented on his mri burst a blood vessel in his eye. I took the opportunity to ask if there was anything that needed to be said ir wanted to discuss as this is the last part of our life ending. He shrugged his shoulders and says like what. He looked like he was standing in front of the head mistress and being defiant really. I said well anything at s was lol as we may never see or speak to each other after and I am a bit aggrieved that I have to fight to keep a roof over our kids heads from a third party that has not worked for it. He did a codfish impression!
His reply was “ I had that many messages from you asking to do the divorce, so we are divorced!” I replied “ that’s not what I wanted but I also didn’t want to wait for a man that didn’t want me any longer” ex h didn’t reply. Ex h said” I have until 28th to file my paperwork and court 1st sept, I said yes how do you wish to swap but I got no reply to that so will post mine. I said that I have to say why we are not doing mediation and he replied what? I repeated and he replied “ say what you like. It will get $h!tety!!” Ok then
Sounds like that’s my fault then! I asked if it was worth it? He replied, “ I’m not going there, you need to stop”
I said ok. He said see you and I said yes see you.

It dawned on me at 2am, is he angry that I didn’t wait? That I have basically forced him to lay in the bed he made with ow so he has no back up plan?

I don’t know why I want some acknowledgement of any regret or apology. I want a sign that she is making his life miserable. I just wanted something!

Ex h came to take s17 night finishing yest eve and I sat on my outside bench as the sun is in the front of my house in the eve. Ex h kept looking at me from corner of eye whilst talking to d15.  I gave son his coat and snacks, ex h said to me be back about 2am, I said he had snacks and coats. I told son to send any pics of fish he catches and ex h shouts, catch fish? Can’t seem to at the moment, I said well a pic of any wellies you catch. Ex h shoulda see you later as he drives off.

I am so worried that I will be forced to sell, that it will get $h!tety but I will do my best to avoid that. I did text to say he is angry at me for taking away his back up plan and that if I hadn’t asked for finalisation would we not be divorced? I also said that I thought he was being used as ow has previously said you don’t go for a single man as they are single for a reason so you go for an attached man as they have something worth having. I also said That I won’t be getting $h!tety and that bit is up to him and that all I am trying to do is protect our kids and keep a roof over our kids head as he has a roof. He has ignored as usual.
S17 said that he tried to say things to his father about how he felt as he told me today why he drank so much at the after prom party. I had asked ex h to attend prom send off and at the gathering at prom for photos, s17 had also asked which I didn’t know. Ex h was not in work but didn’t attend and instead text s17 at 11 pm at night and all he text was “nice suit”. S17 was very upset. He has carried that for a yr! He needed to say things to his dad yest and did try whilst fishing, but his father shot him down by saying “ not now as we are having a nice time”
S17 said, “ mum, I don’t think he can face anything” smart kid I have me thinks.

I need to get a grip. Xx
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« Last Edit: July 20, 2020, 09:40:20 PM by Rising Phoenix »
Me 52
H53
Divorced 3/dec/2019
Together 30yrs
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier. Finances Not yet finalised.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang for 3 yrs now Vanisher but  twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

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#52: July 20, 2020, 09:13:49 PM
Oh and s17 took home made Eccles cakes with him and whilst on the river bank ate one and exh said “ “ OMG,  hand one over” ate it and then says “ that was bloody lovely”  xx
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Me 52
H53
Divorced 3/dec/2019
Together 30yrs
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier. Finances Not yet finalised.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang for 3 yrs now Vanisher but  twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

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#53: July 21, 2020, 09:54:33 AM
He sure does love those cakes doesn't he?

RP--you know that H is reacting like a toddler whose old toy is being given away. He doesn't want the old toy b/c he has lots of shiny new ones. But that old toy stirs something in him so that he doesn't want anyone else to have it either. Classic MLC. And sadly, all of the explaining and rationalism  in the world will not make an MLCer see any of it. You are kind and compassionate. He doesn't care. Not now. Maybe not ever. He is in his own world of hurt. He doesn't respond b/c he doesn't even know the answer himself. Truth darts are fine in this stage of the game., so long as you have no expectation that he will see the light, or even respond.

Breaks my heart about S17. I deal with that too. Horrible. But happy he took him fishing. See, he doesn't even want to discuss heavy things with his own child. It isn't you. It isn't S17. It is ALL H.

Keep moving forward my friend. This is hard. All of it. You had a serious clinger for 3 years. That is it's own form of he!! that keeps us stuck far longer than we would like. Believe me I get it. You are doing great.
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BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
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#54: July 21, 2020, 01:42:32 PM
I agree with everything KIT said. Especially about the toy. Reminds me so much of when I do a clear out of the toy box. Toys that have been lay in the bottom for months untouched and I’m ready to throw out and suddenly “no mummy no no no”.

You do have a smart son indeed, but then we already knew that as he has been raised BY YOU! He gets all his wit charm and charisma from you.
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3 children together D3 D6 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
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#55: July 21, 2020, 02:24:38 PM
Rising, came to read your update. Sorry about these financials needing to be in by next week. I can feel your stress. But you will get it done, because you're an LBS, and you've gotten so much done so far. I don't know your system, so I can't give any advice. Is it possible to google some of your questions? Like does it need to be perfect? What about if you over charge yourself just to be sure?

I remember the absolute stress of having to provide documents on time. I'm so glad my D is almost over and I'll be done with this crap. There's a good chance your H will get $h!tety. When he said that, he was projecting. He knows he has that capacity. I hated having to sell our family home, but like so many, I did it. Sometimes the fear of something happening is much worse than when it actually happens.

Don't give this thought about you pushed your H to OW because you didn't wait. Your H was looking for any excuse to blame you for his affair. Don't let him twist your head.

Now is not a good time to talk, we are having a nice time? Isn't that just what they're all about. Don't rock the boat, don't talk about issues because it makes things sad, hard, angry, difficult. Just sweep it under the rug. Your H has a lot of growing up to do still. It's not a fun life over with OW. It can't be when there's a grown up man with an angry child's head.
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

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Re: It’s about what I think of me.
#56: July 21, 2020, 02:54:49 PM
Thanks, kit, sachet and milly. I am so so stressed.
My friend asked me if I was angry at myself that I no longer stood as I would still be married perhaps , I suppose I am a little bit but I felt it was the option to take. He had a choice to divorce or not. Ow did it for him and my OMG he is angry at me for walking away really was a wtf moment for me. I don’t think I’m reading that wrong.

I read on another thread (poss anon)where she said basically says standing for such a long time kept her stuck and unable to move forward and heal fully. I feel the same, it is not what I wanted but I stood for 5 yrs then felt I needed to push him for a choice to be made which ow made and he stood by it so that was my stand over but also that she felt the fear of it all being over and the pain. It so is me at the minute. What happens after? Did I make the right call which I Believe I did. Where do I go from here, will I ever get over the pain. I think I have accepted that I will never get over the last almost 6 yrs, that’s fine by me, what I want to learn is how to live with it better. That the pain doesn’t define me but I define how I use that pain to help me choose what I want from life and not to settle or put up with what I don’t deserve.
It is painful and hard to let go fully and sever the last ties but I feel I must do this. I need to do this so am a bit pissed off with myself that I constantly want to cry
Xx
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« Last Edit: July 21, 2020, 02:56:12 PM by Rising Phoenix »
Me 52
H53
Divorced 3/dec/2019
Together 30yrs
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier. Finances Not yet finalised.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang for 3 yrs now Vanisher but  twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

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Re: It’s about what I think of me.
#57: July 21, 2020, 04:37:52 PM
Rising of course you made the right choice.  5 years is a long time to wait for them to come to their senses.  That's 5 long years of your life, sitting in limbo and no one deserves that.
You had to get on with your life, so stop beating yourself up over it.

He made the choice in the end so he can now just live with it.  No one put a gun to his head, he's a grown man, so don't you dare blame yourself for wanting to move forward.
We all have choices in our lives. 

It's very hard to accept he did this, but he did.  It was hard for all of us.  The rejection hurts, a lot.
It hurts but I honestly feel when you get to a place of acceptance you will see things much more clearly.

Acceptance is hard, and it takes time, but you will get there, dear Rising.

In the end your life will be happy and full.  His?  Only time will tell.

Hugs

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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

M
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It’s about what I think of me.
#58: July 23, 2020, 05:50:21 AM
Rising, Following along.  Five years is a lifetime.  I applaud you for trying so long.  It is time now for you to heal and I imagine your children support your decision completely. 

Quote
I think I have accepted that I will never get over the last almost 6 yrs, that’s fine by me, what I want to learn is how to live with it better. That the pain doesn’t define me but I define how I use that pain to help me choose what I want from life and not to settle or put up with what I don’t deserve.

I am not sure that we will ever "recover" from the pain, but as you said, we need to learn how to live with it and to use it to find a better place for all of us.  I still have waves of crying.  It means we are human and we have feelings. 

Hugs
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BD and moved out 9/2017
M 30 years at BD, together 34

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It’s about what I think of me.
#59: July 25, 2020, 10:14:04 AM
Dear, dear Rising.....of course you made the right choice.....in a sense, you simply made the choice to accept the reality in front of you, to do the best you could from a limited number of choices that your xh's behaviour made possible. You didn't create that situation, Rising; you just responded to it the best that you could. Five years is a long time.....and really, has your h shown any sign of returning to anything close to a sane decent adult and parent?

This is sad stuff, Rising....how you feel is normal. The fact that they don't seem to feel it says a great deal about them and nothing at all about us. I promise you though that you will not always feel exactly as you d today.....OP's infamous Time does take the edges off some of the sharp bits....my experience is that the pain fades a lot but the sense of disbelief pops up occasionally.
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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It’s about what I think of me.
#60: July 27, 2020, 01:57:49 AM
I’m neither use nor ornament so to speak when it comes to things relating to divorce as I was never married. So I can’t help. But I truly believe, as someone who speaks to you outside it the forum, you have moved on and healed a lot more than you give yourself credit for.

Ofcourse you still think of ExH. Aside from the many years you spent together he is the father of your children and it you never thought it him etc it would be very strange indeed. Cut yourself some slack. You did exactly what you could when you did.
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Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D6 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017
Moved in with Ow - November 2019
Ow met children - December 2019

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Re: It’s about what I think of me.
#61: July 28, 2020, 06:23:23 AM
I am currently waiting to sign my e form with my solicitor. I am only using her as ad hoc which is worrying as ex h has secured a big fancy firm in the near by city. I have been very pleased with my solicitor in the past. She assures me that by doing myself and just using her for advice the outcome is achieved but at less cost. The court or ex h solicitor write to me, I ask her what to reply. She tells me and I reply so don’t pay for emails or letters.

I have been very emotional, I am worried on what he is going to want. I had put some behavioural details down and solicitor removed as she feels makes no difference to outcome and will just create more work when he retaliates which he would.

Ex h took son fishing yesterday and son had a good day. I cried with happiness but also felt a bit perhaps jealous? Ex h has hardly bothered and I suppose I feel I could lose my son a bit as had my kids so much to myself but the most part of me hopes it continues and he is finally stepping up? Ex h apparently got emotional as he said he had a wonderful day and felt he relaxed and had an actual fit the first day off in months as he doesn’t get a minute to himself. Karma?

I may be wrong but I feel the finances and this last bit isn’t actually about the finances but about ow finally getting rid of me. For me it’s the finances, for exh quiet life if he is lucky?, ow about me?

My son told his dad that even after all he has done that his mum (me) will always be there for him. Ex h hung his head and quietly said I know!

We have the side effect of stress at the moment of my weight going down which at the moment is ok as I have lockdown love handles to shift. Some sleep would be good though. Felt like been having a heart attack for a week! Xx
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Me 52
H53
Divorced 3/dec/2019
Together 30yrs
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier. Finances Not yet finalised.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang for 3 yrs now Vanisher but  twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

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It’s about what I think of me.
#62: July 28, 2020, 08:05:47 AM
I don’t have much practical advice to offer you except to be kind to yourself and send you a virtual hug
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Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D6 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017
Moved in with Ow - November 2019
Ow met children - December 2019

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It’s about what I think of me.
#63: July 28, 2020, 08:10:45 AM
It sounds as if your son is very loyal to you and loves you very much.  I can identify with  your feelings about being happy and jealous at the same time.  This is a horrible time as you complete the finances. 
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It’s about what I think of me.
#64: July 28, 2020, 09:07:04 AM
This is probably the worst time (figuring out finances) since BD for most. It not only symbolizes the true end (in our minds only b/c with MLC we know otherwise) and much stress about the uncertainty of the future both from a personal as well as financial perspective. Both equally unsettling. It will be such until settled, but I do believe after you will feel a wave of relief.

For what it's worth, I think you are handling it perfectly with your solicitor. Don't worry about H's big fancy firm. They are only as good as each individual there. And also, it is quite dependent on H's ability to pay.  Which may not go on indefinitely.

You should feel pride and accomplished in that you got this done. It was difficult emotionally and practically. It is A LOT! But you put your nose to the grindstone and you did it. I think you are pretty amazing. And your children are a great tribute to that. They know who their rock is. And from the sound of it, so does H.

Hugs my friend. This too shall pass.
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Me 49
H 47
S13
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

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Re: It’s about what I think of me.
#65: July 28, 2020, 02:38:27 PM
Rising, I understand your feelings as you prepare to settle the finances which will bring it all to a close. I'm at the same point, my D is just around the corner. That comes with the usual wonderings about H and OW's future. I'm trying to prepare myself for the possibility of a wedding, because I'd rather be prepared. I'd like to think that if they do marry, it will be a nightmare.

Your boy is so sweet and so wise. What these MLC kids have had to endure. Makes them grow up too fast.

But you sound like you are incredibly wise. You've managed to secure yourself some legal advice without it becoming a huge financial burden. The best thing is to reach a conclusion without making the lawyer's rich and us poor. You wisely listened to your solicitor regarding omitting the emotional stuff. Saying it again, you are so wise.
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

N

Nas

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It’s about what I think of me.
#66: July 28, 2020, 05:55:54 PM
I just wanted to reiterate that the arrangement that you have with your lawyer is a massive accomplishment in itself. Coming from someone who spent every last penny I had on lawyer fees and ultimately got nowhere, I am applauding you for being able to find someone to help you without draining you financially at the same time. Regardless of what happens, you will come out on top.
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« Last Edit: July 28, 2020, 05:57:16 PM by Nas »

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It’s about what I think of me.
#67: September 07, 2020, 06:48:45 AM
RP -
Just catching up, and hoping that you're doing well.
You have done an amazing job - your son is amazing, you've been kind, honest and open towards your H.
You can't ask more from yourself.
The mediator can do good things; just listen and act as recommended.

I understand about wanting your son to have a R with his father, but at the same time being jealous of it.
I'm going through it as well; but mine are grown.

Your H is being controlled by ow and struggling it sounds.
Stay the course; listen to your heart.

Let us know how you're doing.

Hugs,
Sea
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Seahorses have one mate for life...

 

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