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Author Topic: My Story Love Me, Don't Leave Me

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My Story Re: Love Me, Don't Leave Me
#10: May 09, 2020, 08:25:30 AM

Ah yes the "let's be friends" thing.   ::)  Most f them try that.
It is to make them feel better about what they are doing, which by the way is very unkind. Like you are accepting it, so less guilt for them.  See we can still be friends so we're ok.  No harm done.

NO they are not our friends at this time and yes there is harm done.  A friend would not do this to you.
A friend has your back and will go out of their way not to hurt you.

This is exactly what I said to her when she proposed it.  I said there is no friendship in betrayal as she had an exit affair.  And we stayed apart, minimal contact.   Then she came around in March and started talking about us being "kind to one another in our interactions", maybe we could "watch shows together" (HUH?!?!?). So we spoke a few times and she let me get everything off my chest, about the pain and the damage and the destruction.  I knew she was only looking to absolve her guilt, and I didn't want to give her that gift. (this all happened before I knew it was a MLC so I was left with a lot of emotion and confusion with how she could have done what she did to me)

Then, she cycles and says we shouldn't be friends, its too much, its not fair to one another, especially since she doesn't want to reconcile (I hadn't asked her so I don't know why she thought I did).  Then she goes silent.  Then we talk again, now she's back on silence.


There are quite a few couples here who had no kids.  It doesn't seem to matter one way or the other.  You still want to treat them the same way, with detachment and politeness.
Having kids will not make a difference as to if they will return or not.

You sound pretty good LBS, just stay the course and keep taking care of yourself.
Only time will tell if she turns back some day.  Nothing you can do will effect that, unless you are bitter and treat her badly.  Then there is no chance.  Who would want to come back to a bitter, spiteful person?

I know the children doesn't make the difference.  I was trying to see what our interactions would look like since we have no kids.   So for a lot of the LBS here, they have to deal with their MLC constantly because of children.  I haven't seen many stories of peoples experiences with no kids (e.g. Do I expect to get random hateful texts through a cycle?)

Also, I have been kind to her, despite everything she's done.  I especially showed some kindness now that I understand what's happening.  To be honest, the depression stage scares me, but thats because I still look at her as my W (work in progress), so I told her that if it ever gets dark and she needs me, Ill be there.  I absolutely do not expect her to take me up on that, but I don't want her to feel alone if she cycles badly. 
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« Last Edit: May 09, 2020, 08:27:37 AM by LBS_Les »
Me (W) 43 - W 41
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Re: Love Me, Don't Leave Me
#11: May 09, 2020, 10:09:51 AM
I had no kids, LBS.  I mean I do from my first marriage but they are all grown and have their own families.  My H was more of a step grandpa figure.
He had no kids so our dogs were are kids.  It was nice because we could take off whenever we wanted to.

In a way I guess it did make it easier because I didn't need to worry about kids getting hurt or abandoned.   I didn't need to worry about a schedule for kids going back and forth.
I didn't need to make decisions with them in mind.  I wasn't raising kids on my own, I just had me to worry about.

On the other hand sometimes kids are a connection to each other, which in some cases it helps couple stay in communication with each other, if their co-parenting.

It's also pretty common for them to cycle, some do it a lot.  One day cold, the next day warm and friendly.  I suppose it's part of their confused state of mind.  They really aren't sure what they want, which can make us a little crazy sometimes.
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Love Me, Don't Leave Me
#12: May 11, 2020, 01:22:35 PM
Another journal I guess.

I have continued to read story after story on this board - its borderline obsessive.  But sadly, my personality has always been that way, when I discover something, I latch on to it.  Im also an analyst in nature (and in my career), so I look to understand things a bit more than I should.  That will be something I need to work through - understanding boundaries of how much MLC information I need to digest rather than reading stories all day.

I went through Shock's sisters thread and found myself seeing my W there.  Yes, every story is different, there are no guarantees.  But when I look at my M, we were happy, we were perfect for each other.  I was the villain at the end, this I understand is part of the process.  Part of me believes that if my W ever wakes up from the fog, she will look back and realize that our M wasn't as bad as she thought it would be, and I think that would draw her back.  Having said that, I recognize this as a fantasy, a fairy tale ending - what does that even mean? 

Perhaps its the mask that they wear.  Most people write that their spouses never apologize for the wake of their destruction.  A week ago, and a few times before that, my W had some video message exchanges.  She apologized in them.  She apologized for what she's done, how she acted, and for the cruel things that have happened in our marriage.  Is this even an MLC for her then?  Because who feels guilt about their behaviour when in MLC.  Perhaps this is the last of her before the fog takes over?  She does seem confused, she says "I don't know" when we have had exchanges (I haven't asked questions, I just mean when she tries to explain something, she says "I don't know").  She recently said that quarantine has given her a lot of time to look at things, that its all necessary and sometimes good, but sometimes bad.

She's a jogger now. She always makes comments about how "we aren't compatible".  She's mentioned that this is very hard for her because I am now a stranger to her, because we have spent 9 years together, I was her person, and now Im a stranger.  Sometimes, I don't feel that this can be an MLC, maybe its just WAW syndrome.  But then I read that they run, to run from their thoughts.   That they talk about incompatibility, that I don't know her, that we are "such different people". 

Maybe I am a stranger because I have been working on myself.  Maybe I am a stranger because the thoughts have convinced her that I am the root of all the evil and unhappiness in her world. 

I was going to file for D when the courts reopened.  While this is all very new and my province has a 1 year separation requirement, I could file under adultery.  I always wondered why it didn't seem to worry her.  She would say "I don't want to D but send me the papers and I will sign". Says "we shouldn't make decision based on knee jerk reactions and it should come once we have had time to process our emotions".  Then says later on, she's not interested in R (despite the fact that I have not asked, or even discussed it).  I realize now, this is her D.  If she wants it, she needs to start it.  She has the marriage certificate and I know she was going to try to get it to me (I had asked a few times for it but she conveniently "forgets" it).  So, when she reaches out to ask how to get it to me (perhaps she will after COVID), I will let her know that I don't need it, and she can file.

I believe her MLC started in the summer, which puts us at about 9 months from when I started to hear her questioning things that really, were red flags.  January as BD.  I can't imagine that maybe, just maybe, the person I married, won't resurface for many more years.

But I have to.  I've read some threads here and some members seem resilient and strong.  I cannot end up stuck.  I can only move forward and continue to work on detaching, and focusing on me. 

No contact from her in a few days, and I don't expect to her from her.  But I will look at mirroring techniques, to ensure that if there is contact, I am protecting myself, and leaving her to her space.  I'd like her to think she can have a safe space with me when she needs, but I've come to understand that the fog of indifference is quickly approaching, and so the contact will be dark. 
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« Last Edit: May 11, 2020, 01:25:53 PM by LBS_Les »
Me (W) 43 - W 41
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Love Me, Don't Leave Me
#13: May 13, 2020, 07:37:05 PM
The Lighthouse

I've read a lot about being the lighthouse for your MLCer.   Im in the early stages, so this doesn't apply, but with the limited interaction I have had with my W, I can hear her confusion, I can hear her fear, I can feel her resolve.

So if I think about this journey, I would explain it as this.   She wants to go out on the boat, and see where it takes her.  The weather looks unpredictable and it causes her to question whether or not today is the day she wants to begin this journey.   Her boat has left and she's floating around, riding the waves, always looking back at the light house.  This beacon of light that represents home.   Behind it, there are clouds, so many dark clouds.  She feels that they are headed her way and she becomes unsure about whether or not this day, is the day she begins her journey.

So she floats, her boat rocks.  She looks back at the lighthouse and wonders if she should turn and go back.  But she's been planning this trip, she's wanted this adventure, why did the weather have to show up and ruin it for her?  She doesn't realize what those dark clouds represent, because how would she ever understand that fog?

Its my job to turn dim the lighthouse for her.  So that she doesn't see it, so that she doesn't question her choice, so that she takes the trip that she believes she needs to take.  She's going to have to continue on her way, the waves of the ocean throwing her around, the cloud consuming her.  Its her choice as to whether or not she chooses to wear her life jacket at this time, or feel confident enough in her ability to swim.   But there is to be no radio contact, not to the lighthouse.  This is her journey and hers alone.

And one day, maybe just one day, I will turn the light on, so that if she ever chooses to, she can find her way back home.  I may not be there to greet her at the harbour, but she will at least know that this is the way home.

And thats how I let my wife go.  Thats how I set her free
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Love Me, Don't Leave Me
#14: May 13, 2020, 10:04:37 PM
You sound very well Les, being so new to this. I think it’s ok to keep the lighthouse light on, meaning you get to shine bright and be yourself, the lighthouse doesn’t chase after the boat - so you can go dim or even no contact if you need to - out your own well being at the top of your priority list. If this is MLC, it will get worse, much worse, right now it is nice to hear your W has some remorse, when things get bad you can remember what she said before she went all the way into the tunnel.

I wish you the best.
3Boys
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BD End of April 2017
Moved out - kind of, May 2017
Denied affair
Cycled hard April - Oct 2017, my son figured out affair, I confronted husband, we were going away as a family for the weekend - H monsters hard and files for a D end of Oct, 2017
D final Sept 2018
Many touch and goes
He lives in monster, kids haven’t been with him overnight since Jan 2019
Moved in with MOW, a former friend of mine, May 2019

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Love Me, Don't Leave Me
#15: May 14, 2020, 06:53:23 AM
You sound very well Les, being so new to this. I think it’s ok to keep the lighthouse light on, meaning you get to shine bright and be yourself, the lighthouse doesn’t chase after the boat - so you can go dim or even no contact if you need to - out your own well being at the top of your priority list. If this is MLC, it will get worse, much worse, right now it is nice to hear your W has some remorse, when things get bad you can remember what she said before she went all the way into the tunnel.

I wish you the best.
3Boys

Thank you - I have been a lot of work on myself since she left, but I found a wave of relief when I learned about MLC.  Isolation has left me with a lot of time to think, and really begin to understand and accept what it is.   What this has shown me is, no future is promised, tomorrow is not guaranteed and so I can only focus on each day as I have no clue what the next day can bring.  Understanding that I can't control my future, I just accept that what is 2020, may not be 2021 and so on  8)

Im dark - to be honest, we don't have anything to tie us together anymore as we have both moved out of the house we shared.  The only thing that would require us to contact one another, is D.  Since I've decided I am not filing and she can since this is her divorce (she has said however she doesn't want to D but separate and "find ourselves  :o), I am going to leave it to her to start the process and file.  That can't happen at least until January, as there is a one year requirement.  I was thinking of filing under Adultery to skip the waiting period, but after reading the lack of responsibility usually demonstrated by the MLCer, I have decided I will not file under Adultery because I don't want to chase her for the things we need to start that process.

So, the lighthouse will stay dark.  She can look for it after she gets seasick from all those crazy waves, but until then, I'll live my life and continue to focus on myself

Thanks for your kind words
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Re: Love Me, Don't Leave Me
#16: May 14, 2020, 07:06:07 AM
LBS: for what its worth my wife implied she wanted a divorce almost two years ago at this point. And not only she has not made any moves to proceed after one BD and two attempts at talking about financial details (all within the first month) she has never mentioned it again. And she has recently resumed texts and non serious banter as if nothing is going on.

Only reason I shared that is to say there is no predictability in how your wife may behave. You probably are starting to get this from all the reading and time you are spending centering yourself. Throw that into your own plans about what you want for yourself. Like you I have decided for various reasons (non of them because of appearance or religion) that she can move the divorce forward when and if she wants. I do not push for anything to finalize as I don’t believe in the concept of “closure,” I am not waiting for her to come back (and in fact she is no part of my life at this point, only someone in my past), and am living my life without any limitations or constraint. The divorce is a consequence of her choices and as such I believe she should have to confront/carry the consequence.

Just more viewpoint and information to maybe help you sort out what you want for yourself and what works best for you.
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Re: Love Me, Don't Leave Me
#17: May 14, 2020, 07:21:20 AM
LBS: for what its worth my wife implied she wanted a divorce almost two years ago at this point. And not only she has not made any moves to proceed after one BD and two attempts at talking about financial details (all within the first month) she has never mentioned it again. And she has recently resumed texts and non serious banter as if nothing is going on.

Only reason I shared that is to say there is no predictability in how your wife may behave. You probably are starting to get this from all the reading and time you are spending centering yourself. Throw that into your own plans about what you want for yourself. Like you I have decided for various reasons (non of them because of appearance or religion) that she can move the divorce forward when and if she wants. I do not push for anything to finalize as I don’t believe in the concept of “closure,” I am not waiting for her to come back (and in fact she is no part of my life at this point, only someone in my past), and am living my life without any limitations or constraint. The divorce is a consequence of her choices and as such I believe she should have to confront/carry the consequence.

Just more viewpoint and information to maybe help you sort out what you want for yourself and what works best for you.

Thanks for your insight :). Would you R with your wife if she asked?

And you are correct on my focus.  I can only focus on me because I don't know what the future will bring.  I am very much detaching, and I can't say that I would R or not R.  What I do know, is that even if for some reason, she asked, right now, I would decline it because I don't believe she's even begun her journey into the fog.   And so right now, I wouldn't R because I know we would just end up right back here, in a couple of years.

I understand that if she ever did return, maybe I won't even want to R.  What does future me look like?  I have already changed, a great deal.  Would we even be compatible then?  But really, I can't focus on that (those thoughts and questions still linger, its only been 4 months), but I at least understand that I cannot even consider any kind of R for a couple of years, and thats a change from my desire in the early stages, to have her return.

A win is a win in my book  8)
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Re: Love Me, Don't Leave Me
#18: May 14, 2020, 10:15:48 AM
That is all very wise and good place to be. I don’t even think in terms of a restored relationship. The question more is restored relationship with whom? I really do realize my wife I knew for years does not exist right now. And most likely will never exist again. She will either remain in this very fragmented cobbled together construct, or she may get worse, or she MAY actually start healing and growing. None of it is guaranteed. If she does grow and heal the person who will emerge will be different. She may be the same person I knew but more mature and grounded. Or she may shed some of what I saw in her. So the question simply has no meaning to me.

Which I believe is one of the hardest things for most LBSes to fully accept and internalize. That this is NOT a simple “baking” process. That their loved one is not “hidden” or “lost” and will reemerge simply with time. It is hard to look at the rubble of a person we once knew and loved and acknowledge that it is gone.
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Love Me, Don't Leave Me
#19: May 15, 2020, 08:43:07 AM
I wonder how our mandated isolation, is affecting how she may or may not be cycling.  Unhealthy, yes, but I still have to wonder.

Last night, during a bottle of wine (what else is one to do when stuck indoors?  :o), I looked back to some of our interactions (its been a week since we last spoke, staying dark).

  • “I was unhappy - because my soul was dying”
  • “Besides, we both want such different things.  Like right now, Im so at peace being on my own, its such a weird thing that this happened during quarantine.  Like firetruck, if I ever wanted alone time, government mandated quarantine in your house is certainly a way to do it.  I feel like I needed this, I needed this time, to quiet my brain and quiet my heart and to just think, and um, get to know myself
  • “I don’t understand how we could have been married for 10 years and you really how no idea who I am.  And maybe I was never clear on who I am with you.  Its just the things you say sometimes are hurtful”

And so she's obviously in her head.  She obviously believes that being on her own, has made her a different person.  But she doesn't have life to distract her.  Our city has shut down and she is working from her home.  Her job keeps her busy as she manages an event space.  That means she gets to run around, and distract her mind while she makes sure that things go off without a hitch.  But now, now she's stuck at home since her space was shut down by our City (gatherings limited to 10 people).  She can't run from one end of the building to another, she can only sit in front of her computer.  And then when her day is done, she can run to avoid her thoughts, but she always has to go back home, to her empty 2bdrm apartment.

And I know I can't get into her head, but I sometimes wonder, will isolation force her deep into the tunnel faster?  If she has no escape (OW, Partying lifestyle, etc), will she begin to feel the creeping effects of her unhappiness?

I'd love to be a fly on the wall in her tunnel, to see what is happening. 

But I can't, but that doesn't mean I don't wonder.

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« Last Edit: May 15, 2020, 08:45:41 AM by LBS_Les »
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