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Author Topic: My Story Love Me, Don't Leave Me

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My Story Re: Love Me, Don't Leave Me
#30: May 23, 2020, 04:43:19 PM
Hi LBS_Les:

Sounds like you are doing well for four months indeed. And its so good to hear your are focused on yourself. I think all of us want validation externally, want someone else to confirm what we feel. Nothing wrong with that. Its only an issue if that becomes the most important thing. And you sound like you are doing just fine.

Your therapist doesn’t have to “get” the MLC thing, specially as you are both focused on you and not your wife. So just doing your work. Maybe one day you will have to go into more depth about it with your therapist, but not today.

I also remember when I first set up a place that was just for me how much it meant to me. It wasn’t even about the “mine alone” part. But like you I found joy in being able to make choices, have them work and fit and get to be in a place I created. It was an external representation of who I was inside, untethered form a relationship. And what a great physical manifestation of your growth, finding yourself and creating around you. Its that external validation in physical form, no?

Im only in a better place because of you fine folk, and the stories you have shared. 

And I agree with you, it is so empowering to make a space your own!  Its a transformation, in our living spaces, and our living (if you will), to be able to find joy in the smallest of things, and creating a space that belongs to us, and us alone.

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#31: May 25, 2020, 10:14:05 AM
What goes up, must come down.

Been a rough couple of days.  The weather here has been gorgeous and I spent most of my weekend out on my balcony, reading, thinking, browsing forums.  Im starting to notice that feelings of bitterness and resent are trying to come back to surface.  Im bitter that everything has been stripped out from underneath me, that I've been relegated to a small 1bdrm apartment, that I can't enjoy my summer by the pool, that I go to reach for something in the kitchen to learn it was an item she took as part of the separation.   I try to remain empathetic, understanding that she's not okay right now.  She still hasn't been active on WhatsApp, is she in withdrawal in her replay stage?  I don't know.....but she's taking up more mental real estate than is necessary, and its affecting my mood.  She came to me AGAIN in my dreams last night, proof that she continues to take up more space in my head than she needs to.

I know I can't stage watch, I know I cant wonder what she's thinking, what she's going through, but I do, because Im not fully detached.  I find myself wanting to ask one of our mutual friends, to reach out to her and do a temperature check on her.  I don't want her to report anything, I just feel the "need" to make sure my W is okay, and that she's not in a deep pit of despair.  But I realized that it is no longer my job to worry, to have people check in on her.  I just need to let her be.

And so while I have the smarts to recognize what I am doing to myself, what she needs to do to work through her journey, it still hurts.

And so, Ill try to get an at home workout in today, because my mood is off, and while its just temporary, I need to learn to find a focus when my mind drifts.
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#32: May 25, 2020, 02:27:13 PM
Hello,

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Been a rough couple of days.  The weather here has been gorgeous and I spent most of my weekend out on my balcony, reading, thinking, browsing forums. 

Perfectly normal. Just like others, you are going to cycle. Just as you think you have cleared them out of your head, things just push them back in. After all, you chose them and decided to spend the rest of your life with them. That puts them deep in your heart, your soul, down to your roots, your very bones.

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Im bitter that everything has been stripped out from underneath me, that I've been relegated to a small 1bdrm apartment,

Just like I said, while she still is still with you, it seems like we have been discarded like the trash. While we are in a state of shock, confusion, and despair- they seem to be perfectly fine. In fact content. Makes you question the entire relationship.

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I just feel the "need" to make sure my W is okay,


I know the feeling, but you have to let it go. In fact, the less you know good or bad right now is better.

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what she needs to do to work through her journey, it still hurts.

Sorry, the forum is not about supporting her journey, it is all about your journey. You are the star, the lead....this is all about you,  and no worthwhile journey is without adversity, pain.

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And so, Ill try to get an at home workout in today, because my mood is off, and while its just temporary, I need to learn to find a focus when my mind drifts.

This is where it starts. Do you do cardio? Strength? Exercise can be the first step on your own. I remember the feeling of just knowing that I got a run in and saw it as a success. The rest of the day could suck, but I could at least look back and say, I got a run in today.

Hang in there and know you are doing very well.

((((Ready))))
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"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

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#33: May 27, 2020, 04:15:31 PM
Was this my MLC?

Something has been bugging me for the last couple of days, and maybe its why I have been thinking about her much more, with empathy.  2 years ago, we lost her brother - he died suddenly, pulmonary embolism, age 41.  It hit me, it hit me real hard.  I was very close with him and looked to him as my own brother, he lived across the world but when he came home to visit, he spent most of the time with my wife and I.  When we got the news, I couldn't believe it.  I do remember thinking, while I was devastated inside "be strong for your wife, she's going to need you"

And I couldn't be.  I lost myself.  I entered a deep, dark depressive state.  3 weeks before we lost her brother, her grandmother died.  We got a call that she was not well and we hopped on a plane, with the in-laws and flew back to the country where she was.  Her brother made the round trip from across the world to be there as well.  That would be the last time we were together.   And throughout all of this, I was dealing with a family member who was causing me a ton of grief in my life.  They have my entire adult life.  Leeching me for money, guilt tripping me when I would say no, losing their job and needing to live with me.  And I was growing tired of it.  I started to put an end to the cycle.  I wouldn't do it before, out of fear that they would leave me (parental figure), fear that they would do something stupid.  And so while, in another country, this figure was hounding me from back home, even when I disclosed the nature of my visit.  Demanding to stay at my house while we were gone.  I gave in, but there was a stipulation.  That was my boundary.  And in the end, it ended exactly as my fears projected.

So I dealt with the loss of her grandmother, her brother, and my parental figure, all in the space of a month.  I took a leave of absence from work almost 2 months later.  The anxiety had become unbearable.  I was on a paid leave for 6 weeks.  I was depressed, I had gained so much weight in the years leading up to this, I had spent so much money on stupid things that I felt justified in spending because "I earned it". And when I say stupid items, it was dumb.  A collection of figures.  A HUGE collection of these figures. 

So Im off work, and what better way than to cope, than to do drugs?  No matter what day of the week it was, I did drugs, drank.  My wife would get up to go to work, and I would hide in the basement so she didn't know what I was doing (she knew, but I didn't want her to see it before she left I guess - and we've dabbled together, so she didn't openly disapprove).  I just wanted to feel, and drugs were the way to do it.

And I lost my $h!te one night, in November, over a year since I fell into the depths of my depression, and I did some very $h!tety things (no affair, I didn't hit my wife), but at this stage, it was clear that the pot of anger had blown over and there was no stopping me.  And then I realized I need to change.  I needed to get a grip.  And so I started with a work book, on controlling my emotions.  Because if I could control my emotions, I could stop feeling this way. 

About 6 weeks ago, my wife had sent me a video of me just over a year ago, in a state of I cant even describe.  When she sent it to me, I couldn't remember this?  It was last April, I have ZERO recollection, zilch.  And I felt shame when I saw it. 

And maybe November was my wake up call?  Or maybe it was BD day that kicked me out of my episode, or maybe, it was after I was tired of crying over the loss of my marriage......

And maybe thats why after only 4 months since BD, Im in a pretty good place.
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#34: May 27, 2020, 04:53:39 PM
As you know there is no way to "diagnose" MLC, no lab work, no xray. We look at the many changes in them and put a label of MLC on it...but it might be something else. Certainly MLC seems to coincide with depression.

The losses that you experienced would certainly cause a "situational depression" and when we are depressed, we lack the neurotransmitters that contribute to making us feel emotions....they are depleted during depression and thus
anti depressants work on increasing the output of those neurotransmitters. They take a few weeks to take effect, but basically that is how they work.

After a loss, it is pretty normal to have some amount of depression.

You did not blow up your family or cheat on your wife. MLCers do a great deal of damage to their spouses and children. It also lasts much longer generally than what you are describing and  although it may be triggered by the loss of someone close to them, I believe that is has something to do with some sort of trauma they experienced in infancy or childhood that was kept repressed for decades.

There is a continuum and we see it on HS of relatively short MLC’s to very long MLC’s and some who never seem to get through the tunnel.

Is it possible you experienced a MLC? Maybe but I think it’s more likely your response to the many stressors and losses that occurred during a relatively short period of time.
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#35: May 28, 2020, 12:20:35 AM
First of all, I am sorry for what sounds like an awful patch in your life. And glad that you dug your way out.

Xyz is right. Assessing or labelling these things is not a precise science, even for professionals. What we call MLC always seems to have some dollop of significant depression, that's true. And depression can be situational (a reaction to loss or trauma) or clinical (seemingly unrelated to external events). To add to the stew, depression often seems to go hand in hand with some level of anxiety like a shady cousin.  ::) What seems to me to make for an MLC is the kind of profound psychological fracture under that pressure that causes someone to become unrecognisable and to act emotionally in extreme ways over an extended period of time. A kind of unleashing of repressed inner demons. And an unstable or insecure sense of self. It makes sense that FOO issues are part of this but I honestly don't know if they are the 'cause' or if they just shape the character and coping skills that a given individual has when they hit the buffers.

PTSD and bereavement took me to a an incredibly dark place where all that was left was some kind of residual core of me, even when I wasn't sure it was even there and couldn't touch it. But it eventually was my life raft. I was a loved and appreciated child. I had always believed I was worthy in my own right. I had values that I believed in. I knew who I used to be even if I didn't know who I was....I knew there was a Me missing if that makes sense. I can't imagine how much harder it would be to hit that dark place without a good FOO backbone or a sense of Me......as I think happens to some MLC spouses here, that there is no There there. No internal life raft at all. It sounds as if when you 'got a grip' as you said, that was your core sense of Me coming to the rescue.

Idk if you experienced an MLC, MLT or just a reactive depression; you are the best person to judge that and I suspect it operates on a spectrum. What I do see is that MLC does seem to bring some consistent patterns of behaviour which are more WTFish and extreme than 'just' depression.....there does seem to be a kind of playbook to how people go in to MLC even if the way they go through or get out is more individual perhaps or more shaped by circumstances.....do you think your behaviour fitted some of those patterns of blame, avoidance and replaying of old unresolved FOO tunes?

I don't know if you have an IC, Les, or if you feel a need to make peace with how you understand what happened to you at that time of your life. Imho I think looking bravely at the truth of our own dark places is part of healing. It can also help us understand how to have empathy for the explanation of it without excusing the destructiveness of our own choices or the reality of the consequences. Same principle as with considering someone else. So the fact that you are musing on this bit of your past is probably a constructive and positive bit of progress. And to learn from what helped then and might be useful now. How do you feel now in this current s$itstorm as opposed to then?
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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#36: May 28, 2020, 09:13:50 AM
  You did not blow up your family or cheat on your wife. MLCers do a great deal of damage to their spouses and children. It also lasts much longer generally than what you are describing and  although it may be triggered by the loss of someone close to them, I believe that is has something to do with some sort of trauma they experienced in infancy or childhood that was kept repressed for decades.

I have to admit, I did come close - I was getting attention and I liked it.....my mind definitely did wander, and while nothing happened, I cant say for sure that nothing would have happened should an opportunity had presented itself.  I just wanted to feel

And If look back, the lead up was before the death and family trauma.  Ive had a lifetime of FOO that Ive never dealt with.  I have lived my entire life defending my attitude because "I was raised to be tough".  Im learning that is my inner child setting up impossible barriers.  Ive battled with depression my entire life, and I had patterns of nonsense in the years leading up to the deaths, which I think were the catalyst that sent me over the edge.


Idk if you experienced an MLC, MLT or just a reactive depression; you are the best person to judge that and I suspect it operates on a spectrum. What I do see is that MLC does seem to bring some consistent patterns of behaviour which are more WTFish and extreme than 'just' depression.....there does seem to be a kind of playbook to how people go in to MLC even if the way they go through or get out is more individual perhaps or more shaped by circumstances.....do you think your behaviour fitted some of those patterns of blame, avoidance and replaying of old unresolved FOO tunes?

I don't know if you have an IC, Les, or if you feel a need to make peace with how you understand what happened to you at that time of your life. Imho I think looking bravely at the truth of our own dark places is part of healing. It can also help us understand how to have empathy for the explanation of it without excusing the destructiveness of our own choices or the reality of the consequences. Same principle as with considering someone else. So the fact that you are musing on this bit of your past is probably a constructive and positive bit of progress. And to learn from what helped then and might be useful now. How do you feel now in this current s$itstorm as opposed to then?

I cant say its a MLC, and I think its more MLT from a depressive episode, but when I see what people go through with their spouse, I have had some of those behaviours.  I did think about leaving my marriage.  I felt that I deserved more, that my wife was in the way, but I just didn't have the STRONG sense to want to leave, it was just thoughts that would creep in and become a bit more frequent.  And then something would calm me and tell me that she's the one for me, that she is who I want to be with.

I am in IC, have been since BD.  I've been working with my C on dealing with my emotions relating to the loss of my marriage, but also dealing with my family trauma, and childhood issues that I've never addressed.
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#37: May 28, 2020, 10:15:47 AM
I would guess you have read lots of different posts here from different folks? So I hope you know that you are not at all alone in this experience surfacing the need to work through other individual stuff, sometimes from way back. Just wanted to say that so you can feel safe that there are a) folks here who get it and b) folks here who have done it and found a way to the other side of it. X
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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#38: May 28, 2020, 11:36:03 AM
I would guess you have read lots of different posts here from different folks? So I hope you know that you are not at all alone in this experience surfacing the need to work through other individual stuff, sometimes from way back. Just wanted to say that so you can feel safe that there are a) folks here who get it and b) folks here who have done it and found a way to the other side of it. X

Thanks - Yes, I have combed through the board for DAYS when I first found it LOL.

And Im okay with doing the work, I need to - regardless of the outcome of my marriage, I cannot have a healthy relationship with anyone in my life, if I don't learn to have a healthy one with myself.  And that means looking back and dealing with what's been haunting me my whole life, shedding.
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#39: May 28, 2020, 02:19:23 PM
Had a conversation with an acquaintance this afternoon that has stuck with me.  Its stuck because I've had the same interactions recently with others, and I guess its a revelation that I will document to refer back to when those low moments creep in.

Im fairly active on a particular social media platform.  I had often posted with my W.  Naturally, that has not happened since BD 4 months ago.  Recently, people have reached out and I always can tell their intention before they even get to the question.  They are fishing for the juicy gossip.  My close friends and family are well aware of everything, but I haven't posted anything to "announce" (why do people feel the need to do this?  ???) that my W and I are separated.

So this acquaintance was a good friend a few years back - we always keep in touch, but haven't been close since their "crisis".  So we were chatting, of course the state of my relationship came up, and I said we had separated.  Knowing that they went through a change themselves, I shared what I thought was happening.  They said, they understood, they have been there and they hope that my W can find herself again so that we can move forward.  My response was "I hope she finds her way too". And thats when it hit me.  I want my wife to come through one day, I really do.  But I hope that not because I need her to find her way back to us, but for herself.   I don't want her to get stuck in the tunnel.  I want her to be able to break free from it and make herself whole, because she is a kind person, and a really kind soul. 

But I don't need her.  I believe our story isn't over, but I don't need it not to end.  Even if our marriage is over, it was still a story, and really good ones often have sequels.
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