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Author Topic: My Story It’s the little things in life...

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My Story It’s the little things in life...
OP: May 09, 2020, 01:05:58 PM
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11340.150

Today is kind of a big day because my d15’s “friend” that’s a boy is over.  This is a first in every way.  Thankfully her best friend is also here to help chaperone.  His Mom and I are on the same page with rules.  I think she is stricter than I am which is hilarious to me!  Mostly because that is almost not possible 😂.  My daughter can’t stand that we are both on the same page with the rules. 

My h will be by early evening to help d5 with his bike.  The boy “friend” will still be here.  So we will see how that goes.

Having him over was a great excuse for me to have the kids do extra chores this morning, so the house is extra clean:). This boy has the same name as my youngest son.  Anyways, here’s my new thread.
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Married 20 years
Husband is 43
Me-39
4 kids 6-15 years old

BD-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).
Spring 2019 H agreed to put off the divorce another school year to keep the kids and I from moving back to TX.
2020-He has continued to help out when asked and be polite.  I do think he questions his choices at times.  I do not believe he has OW.

W
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It’s the little things in life...
#1: May 09, 2020, 01:23:22 PM
LOL Finding Joy,

You have certainly hit the trifecta of crisis. MLC, coronavirus pandemic, and now teenage boy.  ::) Welcome to your new thread.
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It’s the little things in life...
#2: May 10, 2020, 08:38:52 AM
Ha!  Yes Watcher with a teenage boy as the topper😉

So I’m feeling very blessed  and thankful this Mother’s Day!  My d15 has really stepped up since my h left on my birthday and Mother’s Day.  Last year for Father’s Day I had the kids make my h something special and give it to him.  I guess he remembered because he returned the gesture this year.  He also offered to help out today, but I did not take him up on it.  To be honest, him being here currently is not as relaxing as him not being here.

So far I’ve gotten a latte, and pancakes and sausage in bed.  She made my paleo pancakes so extra points.  My d8 has me in fancy jammies and a robe.  She cut cucumbers and plans to do my nails.  Ha, girls are harder to raise, but they have their redeeming qualities!

My s5 had me up all night again.  His cough went to his chest.  His father is bringing by some things from the store for him later.  We are going to have to take him to the Dr, even though thus far we have tried to avoid things like that during the pandemic.  We cannot risk anything with this one.  He gets too sick too fast.

Have a wonderful day friends!
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« Last Edit: May 10, 2020, 08:47:02 AM by Finding Joy »
Married 20 years
Husband is 43
Me-39
4 kids 6-15 years old

BD-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).
Spring 2019 H agreed to put off the divorce another school year to keep the kids and I from moving back to TX.
2020-He has continued to help out when asked and be polite.  I do think he questions his choices at times.  I do not believe he has OW.

F
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It’s the little things in life...
#3: May 11, 2020, 10:22:15 AM
I am recognizing that I am struggling with my h being around more without actually being in a relationship with me.

I read on another post good advice for reconnection.  Now that he sort of helps out more and is more comfortable around me.  I just want to either move forward or keep total distance.

After reading today, it seems that’s not how it works.  I’m supposed to keep my expectations at zero, carry on with life, and really just stay in limbo while he decides if he wants to reconnect or not.

That is not my personality.  If I’m in, I’m in.  I struggle with being in between, limbo.  If you want a relationship, ok, let’s have one.  If not, ok....

I tend to lash out at him on the holidays.  I didn’t the last few, but did yesterday.  Probably due to a lack of sleep with s5. 

How do I describe how I feel?  I don’t know the words.

Before when it was just detachment, I was detached.  It protected my heart.  Now, it’s this sort of in between zone, where we are friendly and in regular communication, yet he is leaning towards the family as a whole.  Not particularly me and no interest in a relationship beyond superficial/business.  It hurts.  I don’t like it.  I don’t want to be vulnerable.  I don’t know how to be here.  How to protect myself and reconnect.  How to keep my expectations in check.  How to not let his indifference towards me effect me.  I prefer all in or all out.

A large part of me wants to pack up and leave, but it’s too late for that.  A divorce would have to happen here, and there’s not time before next school year.

I find my emotions are at conflict with my personality.  I don’t want to give up.  But, he did.  I don’t want a divorce, but he did this.  I don’t want my kids to go without a father, but he chose this.  So why do I feel the need to sit and wait so that his choices aren’t in stone.

He turned his back on me, us.  So now to keep him from suffering long term consequences I have stayed in FL for almost 2 years, it will be three when we leave.  We have people who care about us back home.  So why stay here with someone indifferent.  At this point the deed is done and we will be here.

I just don’t know that he’s worth it.  MLC seems like an excuse to me.  I tend to believe in accountability.  Doing the right thing.  He just doesn’t want responsibility or to adult.  At a certain point it’s just enabling to coddle them in my view.  He left, he didn’t care about the consequences and yet I have stayed here and he has no consequences yet.  Outside of myself and his children not respecting him.

I know me, and when I move next year, if it’s not with him and we are divorced, there will be no turning back.  So surely I can make it through one more year of uncertainty.  Either ending in divorce or reconciliation.  Whatever ending, I just want limbo to end.

I want to move on with life.  His family says I am the best thing to ever happen to him, but he sees me as nothing.  I cannot stay in this twisted warped reality for much longer.  I would like a real companion.  A grown up man who actually wants a relationship. 

He never even acknowledges when I lash out.  He just ignores me.  He will try to smooth it over by offering something for the kids or just text something business back.  My feelings, my emotions are not something he cares anything about, but I’m waiting on him...  It’s a one way relationship.  That’s not enough for me.
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« Last Edit: May 11, 2020, 10:25:10 AM by Finding Joy »
Married 20 years
Husband is 43
Me-39
4 kids 6-15 years old

BD-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).
Spring 2019 H agreed to put off the divorce another school year to keep the kids and I from moving back to TX.
2020-He has continued to help out when asked and be polite.  I do think he questions his choices at times.  I do not believe he has OW.

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It’s the little things in life...
#4: May 12, 2020, 03:27:51 AM
Attaching FJ

Actually, dealing with a teenage boy and a male Midlifer is about the same....  ::)
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Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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#5: May 12, 2020, 07:14:16 AM
I don’t know Ursa, I really like this kid!  For sure easier!
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Married 20 years
Husband is 43
Me-39
4 kids 6-15 years old

BD-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).
Spring 2019 H agreed to put off the divorce another school year to keep the kids and I from moving back to TX.
2020-He has continued to help out when asked and be polite.  I do think he questions his choices at times.  I do not believe he has OW.

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It’s the little things in life...
#6: May 13, 2020, 07:30:53 AM
I don’t know why my feelings are the way they are.  My instinct right now is really to run.  To get out of limbo and move on.  My circumstances do not allow that.

So last night was H’s Tuesday visit.  The thing I struggle with is him being so friendly, but not ever saying anything about us in particular.  I don’t want to get hurt.  I don’t want to be his friend unless we are going to make our family work.  But reconnection means taking a risk.  I’m not a risk taker.

I have no clue what goes on in his personal life these days.  Yet he comes over here and is friendly, backs me up with the kids, does what I ask him too.  He never stays past his his designated time.  He is out on time every time.  So he feels no need to linger.

So last night my intention was to make dinner for the family and be gone the whole time he was here.  But, then I realized that if we are to keep moving forward I have to resist the urge to avoid him.

We bought 2 laptops at the beginning of the year for the big kids school.  They broke one recently and we need another.  He apparently thinks about the struggle here at the house some.  He brought up us trying to make it with an iPad, 1 school laptop, and our laptop, leaving a child to do school on my phone(of course s5 only takes an hour).  So he is scouting out laptops.  That shows care and concern, so I will take it.

Here’s why it hurts to be around him.
He sometimes acts like his old self.  Funny, joking around, helpful, present.  It’s too easy to start thinking he is becoming normal again, but then he leaves.  No hug, no commitment, no statement of love.  So really it’s just more limbo.  He was so normal last night.  Like old times.  He continues to check on s5 and this morning text about the laptop. 

I know we are not supposed to apply pressure.  Sometimes I struggle because I see the deadline of our move a year away.  Last night I texted him, “You have a short amount of time to save your family.  I hope you chose us.  We are on a time frame.” 

I guess I feel like I have little to lose.  In 5-6 months if he does not schedule a mediator, I will.  I will not leave the state of Florida married to him unless we reconcile and I will leave Fl June 1, 2021.  On that date he plans to get stationed in San Antonio, or DC.  He will decide in August based on if he gets promoted or not.  So if I have to divorce him rather than the other way, I will.  I have to make sure the kids and I are provided for and a FL divorce is much better for that.  Plus, I am moving on in a year and not moving to the same city in TX as him unless we are together.  I have family in another part of TX.  He doesn’t get to leave me in limbo forever.   So my words that we are on a timeframe are true.  He may not understand that once the kids and I move, I won’t chose him anymore.  I won’t get the kids settled in a new home and school and then move them again.

So while he is making progress, the amount of progress needed in the next 6 months(before a d is started) is quite a bit.  Way faster than these MLCers usually move.

One thing I have done on occasion is let him know I am still in the marriage.  That I still chose him.  My thought process is, in our situation he has a decision to make on a hard timeframe.  He cannot just keep me in limbo forever.  So I may as well be clear that if he wants to come home and do right by his family, I want that too.  I also want to make it clear that I will not wait forever. 

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« Last Edit: May 13, 2020, 07:47:25 AM by Finding Joy »
Married 20 years
Husband is 43
Me-39
4 kids 6-15 years old

BD-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).
Spring 2019 H agreed to put off the divorce another school year to keep the kids and I from moving back to TX.
2020-He has continued to help out when asked and be polite.  I do think he questions his choices at times.  I do not believe he has OW.

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It’s the little things in life...
#7: May 13, 2020, 08:07:14 AM
Joy,

May everyone have a great time in your little knothole of the world.  I'm happy for daughter 15 too,  :). May your family continue to be formed in a success story of restoration.  I'm praying this for all!  Until that glorious time of all kinds of restoring, I lift you all up in prayer and JOY  ;D in these very challenging times.  God Bless!! GGG

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#8: May 14, 2020, 10:05:43 AM
Thank you GGG.

Just had a convo with my h.  He just had some skin cancer removed and just told me.  We talked about d15 handling our split exactly how he handled his mom leaving when he was 15.  He was very receptive to the natural way the convo took place.  Basically d15 is a lot like him and buries her stuff.  I explained to him how important their reconciliation is for her.  My concern that she will repeat his and his moms struggles if healing does not take place.  He completely agreed.  The skin cancer was removed and should not be an issue now.

We had a very friendly and natural chat.  Getting my steps in right now as I type. 
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Married 20 years
Husband is 43
Me-39
4 kids 6-15 years old

BD-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).
Spring 2019 H agreed to put off the divorce another school year to keep the kids and I from moving back to TX.
2020-He has continued to help out when asked and be polite.  I do think he questions his choices at times.  I do not believe he has OW.

C
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It’s the little things in life...
#9: May 15, 2020, 06:08:07 AM
FJ,

Where you are is an uncomfortable place. It’s okay to be exactly where you are right now and it’s okay that it is uncomfortable.

I am thereish also.  Although I’m really leaning towards divorce if I’m honest.  It isn’t my job to wait around on people to finally decide to work through their stuff. It’s their job to work through their own stuff and bring a healed as much as possible partner to the relationship.

I set aside some space I was willing to hold open for the relationship to be repaired.....but that too has a time limit.  That’s fine, nothing wrong with that....I have to honor my own limits and boundaries first.

There is no scarcity of anything....suitable partners, jobs, places to live, opportunities to have fun, fulfillment and joy.  It is really okay if you (H) cannot be that person for me or our family......God will provide.....even if what he provided is just me.....I am enough.

You are you are enough....you are perfectly suited, capable and appropriate for whatever the future holds. Believe that.

It’s okay to step back and say....I’m not really certain you are worth all this pain I am enduring for you.

It’s okay to chose you.

It is your actions not your words that your children are learning from.

It’s perfectly okay to walk away if that’s what is right for you and your kids and know that if it’s Gods will he will find a way to bring you back together. It’s okay to trust the unknown to god and make the choices you have in front of you.

And it’s alright to not be ready to choose.

Wherever you are dear friend, is exactly where you are meant to be. God uses every pain and heartache that other humans cause to orchestrate our own person healing, to bring us to a place of releasing all those attachments to anything other than himself. Because that is where the love, and joy, and happiness runs deepest. In that place of knowing that all of life is transient except Him....he is steady, and always there.

So here you are in this place.....so wonderfully and powerfully yourself....it is an uncomfortable place but I think it’s also a good one.

Much love to you.
Courage ❤️
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Me 37
H 37
S15
Wallower/Chaos kid
EA discovered 3/31/2019
BD March 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

 

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