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Author Topic: My Story It’s the little things in life...

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My Story It’s the little things in life...
#10: May 17, 2020, 08:41:25 AM
Hey Courage!  I appreciate your words.  I spoke with a friend last night who is a single woman who recently came to Christ.  She had a MLC and is recovering.  I met her on my ski trip months ago.

Your post had me thinking for a few days, is it ok to chose me in my situation.  In some ways for now the answer is no, at least not fully.  I’m having to balance my needs with my children’s needs.  If I could fully choose me I would be moving on, moving home now.

My kids need their dad around for as long as possible and I am beginning to see my d15 work through some of her pain.  She and her dad are going to lunch today, which is huge.  It’s a big reason I stayed.  So that they had to keep seeing him and deal with the pain eventually.  Of course she only saw him when he came over, I never forced visits.

That said, the girl I spoke with helped me to realize that in many ways I am still choosing me.  Not being a doormat.  I Have boundaries and certain expectations if my h is to come around and have certain things that have to be met for reconciliation.

So I really appreciate your post.  Before it and my conversation with my friend I felt I was trapped.  I mean I sort of am in a way for now, but I feel a bit better about it all.  I want my kids scarred as little as possible.  I wish my h would live in the same town as me for my kids sake if we don’t work out.  He won’t.  It makes the stakes much higher.  So many consequences to all of this, including me possibly having a kid live far from me if they ever chose to live with him.  It’s these sort of things that make me want to work the marriage out, regardless of my own feelings.  After they blow everything to the ground it really is hard to find footing again.  I didn’t realize him drawing close would bring up so much anger in me.  Of course he has seen none of it, but it is there.  He gets the layed back chill version of me, which is hard to reconcile because I feel anything but right now.  Though we do have longer and longer conversations about what’s going on in life.  Definitely about the kids and not us, but that comes out too in the course of a conversation.  He does not seem in a rush to get off the phone these days, and I try to stay a bit longer.  Though it is a struggle for me. 

Journaling-My d15 is finally grieving some.  I’m so thankful.  She and her Dad are going to lunch today and then he is coming to hang with the littles.  He did not take the kids this weekend because of his surgery, he was really tired.  So he will be here later hanging out.

My d15 has struggled with anxiety and depression since my h left.  She was finally doing better when quarantine hit.  The shooting here on base exasperated her feelings.  She expressed all of this to me yesterday, though I knew about the anxiety.

Our church starts back today, minus small groups and childcare.  They have many services and clean in between.  For this Sunday we are still going online because s5 has a bad cough still. 
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« Last Edit: May 17, 2020, 08:43:45 AM by Finding Joy »
Married 20 years
Husband is 43
Me-39
4 kids 6-15 years old

BD-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).
Spring 2019 H agreed to put off the divorce another school year to keep the kids and I from moving back to TX.
2020-He has continued to help out when asked and be polite.  I do think he questions his choices at times.  I do not believe he has OW.

F
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It’s the little things in life...
#11: May 19, 2020, 04:31:43 AM
My h continues a very slow move towards me and the kids.  He helps out, he cares(more for the kids, but me too), he tries to help problem solve when needed.  He is in consistent communication daily.  For the last 6 months we have gotten along well, though it was just a semi friendly coparenting relationship.

I would say in the last three months it has become a friendly coparenting situation and now at the beginning of friendship.

We have had several long conversations in the last week.  Just dealing with life, but sort of beginning to lean on one another a bit.  He called last night to tell me about his lunch with D15.  He told me about some work stuff and we just chit chatted.  Emotionally him drawing closer has been a struggle, but I haven’t let him see that. 

He seems to have a little more depth lately.  I mean he seems more normal and less 15 year old...

I spoke with one of my closest friends about it.  She is a PA and her husband doesn’t like to travel so the two of us and our little kids have had many adventures over the years.  Anyways, she brought up a lot of reasons why I should make sure I want the marriage since My kiddios will all be grown in 12 years and then I will likely spend 30 years alone with whoever I’m married to.

One of the big things is that I love the outdoors, traveling, boating, ATVing, going to the beach, paddle boarding, having friends to hang out with on the weekends, camping.  I do also enjoy being home and keeping busy decorating, gardening, cooking etc.  My hubby is a homebody.  He isn’t one to want to go anywhere besides a restaurant and even then I prefer the patio and he prefers inside.

The thing is before all of this we were best friends.  We talked, we joked, we were a team, we bantered.  I did my outdoorsy stuff without him, but admittedly would have done so much more if I had a husband interested in the same things.

We had the important things in common, God, family and serving in the community.  It worked.  I mean overall it worked.  Then again we also had our kids home and that is a huge thing to have in common.  What happens when they are gone.  Is he enough for me...

I don’t expect any one relationship to fulfill all of my needs in life.  I mean if we served together, had a common moral identity, went on a date night weekly, and had the grandkids/kids over frequently it could be enough.  I mean we always got along well enough and sex was not lacking.  I think if we made a point to do things the other person enjoys and also allowed freedom to do things separately we could have a good life.  I don’t know, I just know if I don’t want the marriage now is the time to sort of back away and keep it coparent/kid oriented.  Of course I am not assuming anything on his part, only trying to figure out what I need to do, want to do, should do.

School is almost over!!!  I am ready!
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Married 20 years
Husband is 43
Me-39
4 kids 6-15 years old

BD-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).
Spring 2019 H agreed to put off the divorce another school year to keep the kids and I from moving back to TX.
2020-He has continued to help out when asked and be polite.  I do think he questions his choices at times.  I do not believe he has OW.

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It’s the little things in life...
#12: May 19, 2020, 08:22:23 AM
Hi FJ,

OK, sorry about the police visit to your old thread.... I locked it so no one else can post to it and it will go in the archive before too long....
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Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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It’s the little things in life...
#13: May 19, 2020, 08:59:14 AM
Thank you UM!  Am I supposed to lock it when done?  I’m not sure how.
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Married 20 years
Husband is 43
Me-39
4 kids 6-15 years old

BD-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).
Spring 2019 H agreed to put off the divorce another school year to keep the kids and I from moving back to TX.
2020-He has continued to help out when asked and be polite.  I do think he questions his choices at times.  I do not believe he has OW.

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It’s the little things in life...
#14: May 19, 2020, 09:02:09 AM
Thank you UM!  Am I supposed to lock it when done?  I’m not sure how.

There is a button to "Lock Topic" at the bottom of the screen. When you put the link to your next thread into the topic, it is a good idea to lock it so no one comes along later and adds to it... Once you lock it, only you or one of the Mods can add anything to it...
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Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

F
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It’s the little things in life...
#15: May 19, 2020, 09:29:28 AM
UM, Maybe I don’t see it because I use my phone to post.
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Married 20 years
Husband is 43
Me-39
4 kids 6-15 years old

BD-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).
Spring 2019 H agreed to put off the divorce another school year to keep the kids and I from moving back to TX.
2020-He has continued to help out when asked and be polite.  I do think he questions his choices at times.  I do not believe he has OW.

C
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It’s the little things in life...
#16: May 20, 2020, 05:11:53 PM
FJ,

I’m so glad that you were able to have some clarity and pick apart your choices and find the really solid footing that was there all along.

You are a mommy, so of course what’s in the best interest of your children is part of the choices you have to make.

It’s always a really wonderful thing when we can say....I know my answers for myself as to why I choose this path....it lets a bit of our soul settle and find peace with our decision.

As for the anger.....that seems exactly as it should be does it not? After all anger is our natural response to injustice and as a mommy we advocate for ourselves and our children and it certainly has been unjust to all of you.

Funny how we get uncomfortable with emotions that we have somehow labeled “inappropriate” when the reality of those emotions is that they are universal in humanity....all of them appropriate and fit for company.

It is an uncomfortable place....as it is supposed to be, and that is okay too.

Sending you love and hugs.

You are such an awesome mom and those kids are lucky to have you.

❤️ Courage.
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Me 37
H 37
S15
Wallower/Chaos kid
EA discovered 3/31/2019
BD March 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

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It’s the little things in life...
#17: May 21, 2020, 10:15:35 AM
Thank you Courage!

So much is going on this week with school ending.  Social distance ceremonies(x4).  Turning in everything for the year and of course finishing school up.  I wish I could post a picture of s5’s k5 drive through graduation tonight.  He is a blondie and so cute. 

I have been thinking a bit about our upcoming 20 year wedding anniversary.  It is June 10.  We were supposed to go on a week long vacation, just the two of us like we did at our 10 year.  I have always enjoyed traveling, but we seldom went without the kids, together.  Sometimes he would go somewhere, or me, but seldom together because of childcare.  I wish it was 19 years, or 21.  I think I will struggle a bit just because of the significance of 20.

We really never leave the house, but that will be changing soon.  We will be living our lives again, but be mindful of others/cleanliness/social distancing.  Not on base however as everything is still shutdown here.  I care about others and I care about my families mental health.  There has to be a balance.  I feel like this last couple of months there has been one thing dictating everything else no matter the cost. 

The women in our family are in the beginning stages of planning a trip here in the states.  Probably somewhere we can drive to and in nature.  We have under 10 women, so as long as we stick to Republican run states we shouldn’t have a problem.  😉

My h is riding with us tonight for the drive through graduation, however I do know he considered riding separately.  Which shows how crazy they are because s5 will be in my vehicle and it is a drive through graduation.  Even still, he considered his own vehicle ::)

The handymen here on base the last few months have only been handling emergencies, so routine maintenance just started back up.  The guy is here fixing a long list and it makes me thankful to live on base for now as I don’t have to deal with much or pay for anything that goes out. 

Today is the kids first day off of school.  The boys have to earn sit down time hour for hour.  The girls don’t seem to want as much sit down time so it’s not an issue. 

My tenants are still unemployed, but for the second month since becoming unemployed they paid rent on time.  I am thankful they have been able too.  They did open the lighthouse here on base, which seems weird.  The beach with wide open spaces is closed, but the lighthouse with tight enclosed space and a shared stair rail is open.

That said, if it’s open I am going.  So I plan to do that this weekend.  The lighthouse is a great place to watch the Blue Angels when they practice.  We really are spoiled with all of the things to do right here on base, or were before the shutdown.  We have an indoor pool, indoor basketball and a gym a block from our house.  We also have a marina, beach, bay, National park, Lighthouse, the Blue Angels, walking trails, multiple parks and a huge air museum with an indoor playground, and a pool on the beach.  I sure hope it all opens soon.  It’s all free for active duty and dependents  except for the lighthouse and these things help to keep us busy in the summer months. 

I have really enjoyed living on this base with a small house to clean, and lawn, and maintenance provided.  The house is nothing special, but it is very convenient.  It’s also the only reason my husband did not divorce me during monster. 





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« Last Edit: May 21, 2020, 10:43:52 AM by Finding Joy »
Married 20 years
Husband is 43
Me-39
4 kids 6-15 years old

BD-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).
Spring 2019 H agreed to put off the divorce another school year to keep the kids and I from moving back to TX.
2020-He has continued to help out when asked and be polite.  I do think he questions his choices at times.  I do not believe he has OW.

F
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It’s the little things in life...
#18: May 21, 2020, 07:08:35 PM
I am embarrassed to write this.  I’m unsure why as I was not involved.  I have always been my husband’s secretary.  I had that skill set and he was never good at follow through to make sure things are taken care of.  I made his resumes, spent a year dealing with the application process to make him an officer, and so on.

He had two wrecks.  He totaled two cars.  We had insurance however FL has kept asking for information.  I did not deal with it, he did.  Several times they would send a letter to my house for him saying his license would be revoked if he didn’t deal with it.  He would then “supposedly” resolve it.

Today a letter came saying his license is suspended and has been since March, I guess he thought it was resolved, but did not check to make sure.  He of course acts like it’s the state being illogical.  Who knows the real issue.  So it took everything for me to not take over and fix it.  It’s no longer my job.  He rode with us for s5’s graduation and was pissy the whole time because of his license.

Anyways, I told him that I’m sorry he is having trouble and left it at that.  He texted later to ask if I would go with him to the DMV so that I would believe him how crazy they are🙄.  I said sure.  He just texted me again to say he talked to the insurance and thinks he has what he needs now and he will call me with the plan....

The thing is, for something like this you do what it takes until you talk to someone who knows what they are doing and then you follow up to make sure.  It’s basic adulting.

Who knows how difficult it will be to get his license reinstated or how he will get to work etc.  I guess I will know more when I drive my 2nd teenager this week to the DMV.  The first got her learners permit and the second is 42 and got his license suspended for being an idiot.

I couldn’t help but feel insecure in my future with him still being the sole provider for our family...  I sure hope he is doing better at work than in his personal life.
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« Last Edit: May 21, 2020, 07:39:30 PM by Finding Joy »
Married 20 years
Husband is 43
Me-39
4 kids 6-15 years old

BD-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).
Spring 2019 H agreed to put off the divorce another school year to keep the kids and I from moving back to TX.
2020-He has continued to help out when asked and be polite.  I do think he questions his choices at times.  I do not believe he has OW.

F
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#19: May 29, 2020, 09:14:21 AM
This quarantine threw me for a bit.  We still hardly go anywhere or do much.  It boils down to, I live in FL away from family and I haven’t been really ready to let anyone in here.  I have groups I was in, but never let anyone here truly in. 

I am ready to do that now and have a couple of women who want to be friends that I have kept at a distance until now.  Both are LBS like myself and have kids.  Until now I have relied on my friends and family back home because they were safe.  Trust was already established.  I have not had the capacity to let anyone in after he broke my trust the way he did.  I trusted him more than anyone in my life and if he could hurt me, how could I trust anyone...

A lot of growth has taken place for me during this pandemic.  It was painful, but necessary.  For the first month we were fine, we got out in nature and stayed busy homeschooling.  But, then I noticed I was struggling in certain ways.  I was lonely and truly alone.  Which put the spotlight back on my h and I had to detach all over again.  Basically being alone with him sort of coming around more reminded me of what he did and brought the hurt up all over again and the grief.

For the last couple of months I noticed that I used many different coping mechanisms, some good and most not.  I walked 5-7 miles a day which was good and did my best to eat healthy.  I spent time with my kids.  I started watching more tv, emotionally eating at night, drinking more than normal and just flat out numbing the pain in unhealthy ways.  None really in great excess, but when you combined them together I was not living the lifestyle I want to live even in a quarantine.

So I decided to find healthier coping mechanisms and I am really proud of myself.  I have once again gotten my eyes off of my h, and even with everything in my life being uncertain, I feel strong again.

I am taking a long break from drinking and have put a limit on the tv.  I have a handle on the emotional eating I had fallen into.  The thing is, none of these things were an issue before quarantine.  But before I got out of control or made habits I wanted to get a handle on these things. 

I have gotten an audible subscription and also started listening to lots of bible studies while I exercise.  I highly recommend Right Now Ministries if any of you have a church that gives its members a free subscription.  It has a ton of free bible studies.  Currently I am listening to Reboot, Crises edition.  Technically it is for people struggling during quarantine, but they have so many great coping mechanisms for any crises. 

 I started running some on my walks.  I do about three miles a day currently.  I also do a 12 minute long workout everyday.  It’s not too intense, just squats and things like that.  Just changing things up a bit has really helped.  Now that I have a tighter handle on my emotions and other outlets, I have not been emotionally eating at night.  Instead I grab a few cucumbers or a cup of almond milk if I need a nighttime snack.

I have plans with one of my lbs friends tomorrow.  She invited us over to her home.  We are still doing church online and no classes which has been hard on us all.  Youth group(2x a week), single parent class, divorce care, Awana’s and Sunday School for the littles have all stopped and not restarted yet.  Those things really helped us all to feel more at home here and have a support system.

The thing is I am starting to learn that I am way stronger than I used to be.  My greatest fear was to be alone and I am beginning to thrive doing just that, with God’s help that is. 
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« Last Edit: May 29, 2020, 09:17:39 AM by Finding Joy »
Married 20 years
Husband is 43
Me-39
4 kids 6-15 years old

BD-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).
Spring 2019 H agreed to put off the divorce another school year to keep the kids and I from moving back to TX.
2020-He has continued to help out when asked and be polite.  I do think he questions his choices at times.  I do not believe he has OW.

 

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