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Author Topic: My Story It’s the little things in life...

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My Story It’s the little things in life...
#100: August 29, 2020, 04:17:41 PM
Yes Standing I agree!  That would be nice😊!  My hope is also to sell high and buy low.  I agree that this cannot last.  Thankfully I’m not currently looking to buy, but to sell.  My renters are in it until February, (they are also interested in extending their lease by two years, they will have been there 2 1/2 years in Feb.) so that is also an option.

We will see if it works out to sell it even with the renters in it, if so it will be a major blessing.  Otherwise I will likely list it in February(hopefully the market is still hot then). 

I do think if my h stays here an extra year he likes things just as they are.  Us here, me raising the kids, him being “the good guy who provides”, and me being on that shelf.

He however has no interest in the marriage, he just wants us here while he’s here.  Anyways I guess only time will tell how it will play out.  It’s tough because I really do want to move on and be out of limbo next summer.  However I also do see the benefits of staying in the current arrangement an extra year.  Particularly because the kids won’t live 12 hours from their dad and also financially.

However, I’m ready to put the divorce behind me.  He isn’t choosing me and I don’t want to stay married forever if he’s not committed.  I believe in marriage, but not at any cost.  Waiting in never ending limbo while he cheats and lives like a 15 year old is not my dream marriage:). Staying married keeps me hanging on to some degree of hope versus moving forward.  Particularly because of my beliefs.  I’m ready to start a new life and feel like as long as he is both not choosing me and not divorcing me that cannot fully happen. 
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« Last Edit: August 29, 2020, 04:28:38 PM by Finding Joy »
Married 20 years
Husband is 43
Me-39
4 kids 6-15 years old

BD-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).
Spring 2019 H agreed to put off the divorce another school year to keep the kids and I from moving back to TX.
2020-He has continued to help out when asked and be polite.  I do think he questions his choices at times.  I do not believe he has OW.

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It’s the little things in life...
#101: August 29, 2020, 10:29:47 PM
Quote
It’s odd because he wants to divorce, but hasn’t even thought about it.
Amazing, isn't it? Very familiar.  It's all about the path of least resistance.

You sound good FJ. Realistic and pragmatic. Glad you're getting some paddle boarding in. Be good to yourself!
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"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2: 2018 - FA
W moved out - June 2019
OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019
Divorce final - September 2019
Card-carrying member of the Iffer Party

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11537.new#new

S
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It’s the little things in life...
#102: August 30, 2020, 09:52:41 AM
Joy -
I agree that it sounds like he wants you right there, available where he can keep track of you and know you're available.
I understand how hard that limbo is - I guess we all do.
It's your choice what you decide.
I know you'll choose what's best for your kids and for you.

I'm glad that you have options on the selling of the house with renters in your back pocket.
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Seahorses have one mate for life...

F
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#103: September 15, 2020, 09:16:51 AM
Hey PJ and Sea!

I haven’t posted because things have been really good.  I think I’ve turned a corner.  I’m sure if/when any divorce proceedings ever start it will stir up something.  I have been reading several of your posts even though I don’t comment much.

My kids are home Monday-Wednesday this week due to us being on the back side of hurricane Sally.  We lost power for a bit, but otherwise just really windy and rainy.  The eye hits tonight.

My h has cycled towards the family the last two weeks.  He has been more present.  I don’t see any signs of a current girlfriend and I do think his replay activity has slowed way down.  He mostly works and stays home.  He did bring us groceries and tried to help prepare for the hurricane.  He has been joking around a bit with me and reaching out some.

No word yet as to his promotion or if he is staying here another year.  I haven’t decided if we will stay if he does. 

I have been doing girls night outs with my divorce care ladies and my single parents group started back at church.  Also I have a girlfriend I’ve been doing beach play dates with.  The beach here on base is open so I walk it most days!  It’s awesome because this time of year no one is at this beach.  I almost always come across something exciting.  A large flock of birds, dolphins, large turtles, a sunset, crabs or the other day I saw a sand colored stingray.  I did also see jellyfish, one almost got me.

Life is good, we are blessed! 
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« Last Edit: September 15, 2020, 09:31:38 AM by Finding Joy »
Married 20 years
Husband is 43
Me-39
4 kids 6-15 years old

BD-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).
Spring 2019 H agreed to put off the divorce another school year to keep the kids and I from moving back to TX.
2020-He has continued to help out when asked and be polite.  I do think he questions his choices at times.  I do not believe he has OW.

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It’s the little things in life...
#104: September 15, 2020, 03:11:30 PM
Joy -
Great update.
Glad that you're living your life to it's full potential at the moment.
Hopefully, things will continue forward, and your H will continue to take steps forward and spend time with you and family.

Keep us updated.

Sea
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#105: September 16, 2020, 07:19:33 PM
Hurricane Sally surprised us all.  It passed us as expected and then looped around.  We got a direct hit.  I live near the water, but thankfully the house did not flood as we are on a hill.

They will be cleaning this area up for some time.  This evening we were all out doing our part.  I was able to charge my phone in my car as we are without electricity.  I’m thankful to have phone service again, we lost it for most of the day.  We do have water🙌🙌🙌.

The kids will end up missing a week of school, they haven’t gone since last Friday.  So many down trees and just a hot mess.  Some houses are no longer livable for the time being on our street due to trees falling on the roof.  Most of us will need new roofs.  Our back shudders came off and the water did get in through the windows, but we just kept using towels.

This was my first hurricane.  We were supposed to get hit the last two years and didn’t.  I’m thinking we need new windows, but not sure.  We’ve gotten hit on the back end for days, but at 1am we got a direct hit.  I didn’t think much of it at first because it was a category 1, but then just before landfall it was just shy of a 3.

For some reason at 2am our fire alarms started going off.  It was really confusing because we had no electricity and of course we were half asleep.  I ended up eventually sending the kids back to bed and just kept watch for awhile.  This happened several times.  I’m so thankful we are all safe.  Hopefully we won’t lose all of our food in the fridge.

My h did keep in contact all through the night and today.  He is trapped out on a FL Key.  They have major flooding and he sent a video of his house, it’s pretty ripped up.  I’m nervous we will be without power as they said the last direct hit left the area without power for weeks.

It’s odd, he does care, but still less empathy than other family and friends.  I’m not trying to compare, but today a male friend sent me a voice message.  Basically saying he thought a voice would be more comforting than a text.  That he is praying for us, that I am a strong person and that he is praying specifically for my 9 year old who is afraid of storms. 

It’s tough to hear that from a friend when your own husband cannot seem to muster up that kind of concern.  That said, I see major progress, no expectations as I know it could stop at any point.  He is definitely more present lately with me and the kids. 

I guess it’s just tough to know your value, know that currently they don’t pass muster, but still try your best not to write them off as unsalvageable.  Lately as I am in such a good place, I do have more compassion on my h.  Though I don’t waste much time sitting around thinking of him, I’m living my life.  I recognize that he is lost and is much like the prodigal son.

I do wander if it is possible for me to love him in that way again.  To respect him.  It would be easier for me to love someone new, but I do recognize marriage is worth fighting for if given the chance.  Key word IF.
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« Last Edit: September 16, 2020, 09:01:01 PM by Finding Joy »
Married 20 years
Husband is 43
Me-39
4 kids 6-15 years old

BD-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).
Spring 2019 H agreed to put off the divorce another school year to keep the kids and I from moving back to TX.
2020-He has continued to help out when asked and be polite.  I do think he questions his choices at times.  I do not believe he has OW.

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It’s the little things in life...
#106: September 16, 2020, 08:11:09 PM
You sound great FJ  :D

Wonderful update  ;D

Those storms..... can't we have a couple years without any? Someone should tell them the rules say shelter in place.... no storms allowed.  ;)

-SS
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W - 39
M - 43
Together 25 years, M 22
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

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#107: September 17, 2020, 12:16:58 AM
That sounds very frightening, FJ. Thank goodness you and your kids - and your h too - are all ok.
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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It’s the little things in life...
#108: September 17, 2020, 02:38:46 PM
Joy -
So glad that you're okay through the hurricane.
You sound really healthy and well.
I'm glad that your H is stepping forward slowly.
Keep living your life - you've done well...

Sea
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It’s the little things in life...
#109: September 19, 2020, 05:40:13 PM
Hey Guys!  I appreciate your words.

We got electricity yesterday and internet today.  I believe the kids will go back to school likely on Wednesday, so about 1 and 1/2 weeks off.  Our town is a crazy hot mess, but progress is slowly happening.

Well, I’m not going to go into too much detail, but I just had a major breakthrough with my h.  I am emotionally spent and may provide more details later.

You all know my husband has been slowly doing better the last 11 or so months.  The last few weeks, every since I accidentally told him I still love him, he has drawn close.  It just came out, I’m not even sure where it came from.

Well tonight we had a very raw, very real relationship conversation.  Unlike what we have had in several years.  He told me things he has never said, I told him everything I felt.  We both communicated the struggles we had with the other. 

I can sense as January draws near and this divorce gets real he is questioning.  Anyways, there were no guarantees given.  He did not say, I love you and don’t want a divorce you magnificent human being😂.  However, a lot of truths were spoken on both sides. 

If you don’t communicate with your spouse for years, they don’t know what you want.  Your grievances.  Most of these MLCers are avoidant personalities.  They sweep things under the rug until the rug is the size of a house and unmanageable.  Anyways.  I have no real expectations, it’s a wait and see situation.

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Married 20 years
Husband is 43
Me-39
4 kids 6-15 years old

BD-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).
Spring 2019 H agreed to put off the divorce another school year to keep the kids and I from moving back to TX.
2020-He has continued to help out when asked and be polite.  I do think he questions his choices at times.  I do not believe he has OW.

 

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