Skip to main content

Author Topic: My Story It’s the little things in life...

S
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1760
  • Gender: Female
My Story It’s the little things in life...
#110: September 19, 2020, 06:17:17 PM
Joy -
So happy that things seem to be progressing.
Take it nice and slow, as you seem to be doing.
Glad that he was able to be open and honest with you.  That's a huge breakthrough!

Glad your electricity and internet is back.
Get some rest - I'm sure you're exhausted - it takes it's toll...

Hugs,
Sea
  • Logged
Seahorses have one mate for life...

F
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1098
  • Gender: Female
It’s the little things in life...
#111: September 19, 2020, 08:37:53 PM
Sea,

Thank You!  I appreciate it!  It was a very bittersweet conversation because he opened up and we had a really good conversation.  However hard things were spoken.

In the coming months we each need to decide if we are willing to do what it takes.  I think he is questioning, but still has a lot of processing.  It’s really just the very beginning.  So no expectations as I’m unsure how long this will drag on or if I’m willing to wait in FL to find out.

I think he could be beginning to make a turn, but needs a lot more time.  Unfortunately, he may not have it.
  • Logged
« Last Edit: September 19, 2020, 09:20:13 PM by Finding Joy »
Married 20 years
Husband is 43
Me-39
4 kids 6-15 years old

BD-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).
Spring 2019 H agreed to put off the divorce another school year to keep the kids and I from moving back to TX.
2020-He has continued to help out when asked and be polite.  I do think he questions his choices at times.  I do not believe he has OW.

M
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 3570
  • Gender: Female
Re: It’s the little things in life...
#112: September 20, 2020, 03:19:23 AM
Finding, I'm so glad you got through the storm although it sounds like things are pretty difficult still for you and your community.

It does sound like your H is asking himself stuff. It is really strange for them to have a relationship conversation at all, so it's definitely positive that he was willing to share his feelings with you. If he doesn't have an OW, he might manage to get through his crisis faster. I do believe that an affair pushes the MLCer deeper into his crisis, mainly because of his guilt at what he has done.

Sending you best wishes to weather the damage from the storm, and hope your H keeps progressing.
  • Logged
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

F
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1098
  • Gender: Female
It’s the little things in life...
#113: September 20, 2020, 07:34:53 AM
Thank you Milly, I totally agree that if they get into a relationship it does extend things.  Mine figured out really quickly that he couldn’t love anyone(he told me a year in) and so that was helpful.

After a day to sleep on the conversation, I do see some good and bad things.  It was a huge breakthrough in the sense that I can tell he’s drawing close and that a part of him is really questioning.  I see how he looks at me lately.  In some ways some of the things he said were good because he told me problems we had in the marriage that he never communicated before.  I think that is common with an avoidant personality.  He just sat back and became bitter, versus communicating what he wanted.  I am in fact not a mind reader.

I also told him my issues with the marriage and the last two years..  The very fact that he had this tough conversation is in and of itself a good sign. 

I’m not one to leave things unsaid.  I want him to know where I stand.  So this morning I was very clear.

I told him that I did take accountability for my part in the marriage issues before he left.  Yesterday I took accountability and apologized.  However I will not be some sort of scapegoat for all of the problems in the marriage.  That he needed to also take accountability and repent if he wants the marriage.

I told him that clear communication is vital going forward and that I could not take accountability for the things that bothered him that he did not communicate.  That if he wants the marriage he needs to take accountability for the last two years.  That I would not pursue him, if he wants me he needs to pursue me. 

I told him that I will not wait on him if he pursues a divorce, but that if he wants to work on the marriage, I am willing.

I was very clear that the ball is in his court.  That I do love him and I do want the marriage to work, but if he doesn’t chose it, I will move forward.

He is for the first time having to face actually making a real choice, because the kids and I might leave next summer(it is a bit up in the air because he may stay here an extra year).  If we leave next summer I have asked him to start the divorce in January.  Which for us makes things very final as the kids and I will no longer live near him.  So the repercussions could not be higher.

If he finds out he is staying an extra year, I would then have to decide if we are.  If so we would stay married an extra year.  I do know we need as much time as possible.  I know he has a long way to go.

The thing is, in theory I want the marriage to work, but I need to see an accountable, repented adult.  He is possibly in the beginning stages of that, but....I didn’t get to take a two year break from adulting when life got hard.  So, I’m just not sure how to feel. 

I do know we had so much stress on us when all of this happened.  When he got deployed we had 4 young kids.  At the time my youngest was 1 1/2 and he was very sickly his first three years of life.  Then we had a special needs child.  At the time I homeschooled.  We were finally starting to get a handle on life from having moved to TX(when I was 36 weeks pregnant with my last), having had a sickly baby, and just the stresses of having a large family when he got deployed.  Then of course he came back broken and with a huge wall up.  It’s like he has no clue the toll all of this took on us.

I told him such.  That his career choice(us having to move around) and that deployment took a huge toll on us all. 

This whole conversation started because I told him I need a week long break.  He said he can’t right now because everything at work is crazy with Covid and now the hurricane. 

I said, well I can give you a week, but I need a break.  This hurricane took its toll and for two years you’ve only had the kids two nights a month.  I NEED A BREAK.  He said I agree, but I can’t take off.

I said, well you somehow expect me to have a full time job after the divorce and raise four kids with no support system.  Do you think when my job becomes a lot that I will be able to just stop parenting?  I’m asking for a week, you expect me to do it long term.  He said, no I don’t, you don’t have to have a career.   ::)  At which point I asked him how he thinks I’m going to put a roof over the kids head and feed them.  Idiot.  So he proceeded to say that he has a very important job(CIO) and my job won’t be like his. 

So, I let him know that he has quite the ego and that I believed he had made the military an idle in his life. 

So as you can see, we still have a very long climb as he has himself on some sort of pedestal as an amazing provider, and yet still sees mostly my flaws(or perceived flaws).   However the conversation was a start to him questioning if a divorce is what he really wants.  Of course I also have to decide if I want him.  As is...hard no!

  • Logged
« Last Edit: September 20, 2020, 07:39:56 AM by Finding Joy »
Married 20 years
Husband is 43
Me-39
4 kids 6-15 years old

BD-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).
Spring 2019 H agreed to put off the divorce another school year to keep the kids and I from moving back to TX.
2020-He has continued to help out when asked and be polite.  I do think he questions his choices at times.  I do not believe he has OW.

S
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1760
  • Gender: Female
It’s the little things in life...
#114: September 20, 2020, 07:49:58 AM
Joy -
It's great that you had those difficult conversations.
That's a good start.
There's so much up in the air that you need to figure out as a family - together or not...
Time will tell.
Keep detached and keep working on yourself.

I'm sure you do need a break.  Parenting is exhausting and time-consuming - but well worth it.
If you do move far away in a year - where will you get that break?  Will you have relatives nearby?  Will the kids stay with you during school and H during the summer?  Have you thought that out as it appears that you'll  have them full-time without a break, which could be a lot to handle.  Especially given that you'll have a job that occupies your time...

Keep up the great reconnecting and remember - no expectations...

Hugs,
Sea
  • Logged
Seahorses have one mate for life...

F
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1098
  • Gender: Female
It’s the little things in life...
#115: September 20, 2020, 08:52:51 AM
Hey Sea.  That is sort of the bone of contention.  He is military so we won’t live near each other unless I follow him around the country and revolve my life around him. 

No, I won’t have help.  In theory he would get the kids once a month for a weekend as we would probably live 3 hours a part.  Then possibly a month in the summer, but as you can see he won’t take them for a week, it’s been two years.  So I don’t exactly have help now outside of two nights a month.  He comes over here on Tuesdays for 2 1/2 hours.

He is waking up.  I think there is a difference between letting someone know what is expected if they want the marriage to work, and me actually having expectations that he will do those things.

For me, if he wants the marriage I spelled out what needs to happen.  I don’t have expectations one way or the other as to if he will do those things.  If he wants the marriage, he will.  If not, he won’t.  To me that is just communicating clearly where I am.  I really don’t follow the rules listed here any longer.  Except that I try to be friendly and kind if I can and I am not pursuing.  Otherwise to me it’s black and white.  You’re either willing to do what it takes to fight for our marriage, or not.  It’s do or die time.  I’m mixed on my preference as he has not been a great guy for a long time. 

Nothing short of the actions I gave him to do will save our marriage.  MLC or no MLC.  He’s in or out.  So I made that clear, while saying I do believe in marriage and would be willing to work on things if he is.  At the same time, if he doesn’t want to work on things, it’s time to file as I’m done being in the marriage alone.  Of course I was very kind and polite to him about it all, I’m putting it very bluntly here.

I should say, if he stays an extra year here, just by saying he wants to work on the marriage, I would stay.  So it’s a matter of him saying his intentions are to work on the marriage.  Without that, I have no reason to hold onto this marriage.  Though I may stay for the kids and finances.
  • Logged
« Last Edit: September 20, 2020, 09:43:05 AM by Finding Joy »
Married 20 years
Husband is 43
Me-39
4 kids 6-15 years old

BD-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).
Spring 2019 H agreed to put off the divorce another school year to keep the kids and I from moving back to TX.
2020-He has continued to help out when asked and be polite.  I do think he questions his choices at times.  I do not believe he has OW.

F
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1098
  • Gender: Female
It’s the little things in life...
#116: September 22, 2020, 07:49:27 PM
Well, I’ve been emotionally eating for three days and I’ve also gotten a ton of new clothes emotionally shopping.  I plan to reign it in tomorrow.

That talk with my h was a rough one.  I now realize that for me, when I told him what he would need to do if he wanted our relationship.  That was me saying goodbye.  Basically, the ball is in his court.  For me, I’m not planning on looking back anymore.  Only forward.  I don’t want him to be my focus.  So, if he gets his act together and wants the marriage, he knows where I am.  Otherwise, he really doesn’t need to be in my thoughts outside of dealing with the logistics of divorce and coparenting.

The good news is, I bought clothes that require me to stop eating so much😂. So I have incentive.  I am so blessed regardless of our marriage working out or not.  I am optimistic about the future!  I know good things are in store! 
  • Logged
Married 20 years
Husband is 43
Me-39
4 kids 6-15 years old

BD-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).
Spring 2019 H agreed to put off the divorce another school year to keep the kids and I from moving back to TX.
2020-He has continued to help out when asked and be polite.  I do think he questions his choices at times.  I do not believe he has OW.

S
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1760
  • Gender: Female
It’s the little things in life...
#117: September 23, 2020, 04:21:07 PM
Joy -
If you are able to focus on what you have, yourself and your future (and your kids obviously), you truly will have happiness and joy.  You're doing great.  What you've accomplished today was not easy, I'm sure.  Be proud of yourself, despite emotional eating and spending.  Sometimes you just need to calm your inner self with retail and food therapy. 
Let us know what his thoughts are.

Sea
  • Logged
Seahorses have one mate for life...

F
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1098
  • Gender: Female
It’s the little things in life...
#118: September 23, 2020, 04:42:52 PM
Sea!  Thank You!  It’s certainly helps to occasionally have some retail therapy:).  I doubt he will say anything for some time, if ever.  He was friendly when he came by Tuesday to see the kids, but nothing new.

It is what it is.  Honestly my expectation was that he would stay away from me for a good while.  That seems the case.  At this rate he opens up one time a year.  So I’m not exactly waiting on pins a needles for a response.  😊
  • Logged
Married 20 years
Husband is 43
Me-39
4 kids 6-15 years old

BD-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).
Spring 2019 H agreed to put off the divorce another school year to keep the kids and I from moving back to TX.
2020-He has continued to help out when asked and be polite.  I do think he questions his choices at times.  I do not believe he has OW.

S
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1760
  • Gender: Female
It’s the little things in life...
#119: September 23, 2020, 05:37:01 PM
So if you don't hear from him, when will you decide if you will move or not?
That's got to be tough - the unknown...

Sea
  • Logged
Seahorses have one mate for life...

 

Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.