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Author Topic: My Story It’s the little things in life...

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My Story It’s the little things in life...
#20: May 29, 2020, 09:28:11 AM
I'm glad that you feel proud of yourself, FJ, bc you should. Picking yourself up, seeing that you are drifting on a path that isn't right for you, taking small and big consistent actions to walk a different path....all takes faith and grit doesn't it? Thank you for the podcast mention too, I'll check that out.....I prefer podcasts to tv watching tbh nowadays  :)
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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It’s the little things in life...
#21: May 29, 2020, 04:54:32 PM
Joy -
Finally catching up on your new thread.
Following along.

I am glad that you are feeling more comfortable in trusting friends.
I think that's important for growth too.
It's hard to grow in isolation.

Sea
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It’s the little things in life...
#22: May 29, 2020, 10:21:51 PM
Thank You ladies!

I made a decision not to go back to work next year.  The logistics were very complicated to make happen before this pandemic, but now the scales are tipped.  The kids may go back to school part time or full time, but either way the slightest sniffle will mean they will be sent home.

I let my h know and he understood.  It actually lets him off the hook because he was going to have to leave work everyday to get my big kids to school.  My hope had been that my d15 could get an early license and drive her and s13, but they don’t do that here in FL.  She just got a permit and must drive with me for a year.  My h has morning meetings regularly so I do think it was going to be a large issue.  It also means my young kids don’t have to go to before care at school.  I’m thankful for that as their days are long enough.  The decision is a large load off of my mind.

Financially I am hoping things stay as they have been for another year, but we will see.  We recently freed up some cash and so things are more comfortable than they were.  We are also really building up some savings again, (his two wreaks last year really took a toll) so I think everything will work out. 

I do plan to go back to work next year whether my h and I end up together or not.  It is yet to be seen if that will be part time or full time.  It’s just about time as my youngest is going to 1st grade and in a year my oldest will be driving.  I am going to let things play out for the next 6 months or so and then I may get my TX teacher license.  It really all depends as I prefer to work part time or full time at a private school so that my kids can attend.  I’m very thankful we have this option for next year as I know many will be working and educating their children(at least part time). 

If my husband does not get promoted in August I think it will really push me into getting licensed and working full time in a year.  Just because it will mean he could lose his job at some point.  I have come a long way with not stressing over these sorts of issues, but they are still the reality of our situation.  I hope he is performing well at work, but to be honest I just don’t see how it would be possible. 
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« Last Edit: May 29, 2020, 10:24:16 PM by Finding Joy »
Married 20 years
Husband is 43
Me-39
4 kids 6-15 years old

BD-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).
Spring 2019 H agreed to put off the divorce another school year to keep the kids and I from moving back to TX.
2020-He has continued to help out when asked and be polite.  I do think he questions his choices at times.  I do not believe he has OW.

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It’s the little things in life...
#23: May 30, 2020, 05:51:13 AM
Joy -
I am happy that you will be able to stay home to care for your kids before and after school.
In your situation, it does seem like the less stressful option.

IDK how they can perform well at work either, but mine seems to be doing fine.
That's based on the fact that he still has a job, and that everyone seems to like him.

I'm happy that you've had some peace about your decision.
It makes things so much more --  well --  peaceful!~..

Sea
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#24: May 30, 2020, 06:14:59 AM
Sea, I wish I could say the same about my h at work.  He should have been kicked out of the military already for not promoting, but because of his field being high demand so far they have given him a three year extension each time he has not promoted.  So this August if he doesn’t promote and is no longer considered high demand, he will have two years left.

My d15 and I have heard him lay into his staff in the same way he used to monster at me.  He curses and yells at them.  It’s crazy.  Anyways, it would be nice if he kept his job.  Trusting God either way.
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Married 20 years
Husband is 43
Me-39
4 kids 6-15 years old

BD-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).
Spring 2019 H agreed to put off the divorce another school year to keep the kids and I from moving back to TX.
2020-He has continued to help out when asked and be polite.  I do think he questions his choices at times.  I do not believe he has OW.

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It’s the little things in life...
#25: May 30, 2020, 07:01:28 AM
Hello,

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So this August if he doesn’t promote and is no longer considered high demand, he will have two years left.

I am not sure, but he will have his 20 years in for his basic pension. His job in the private sector could be really high paying.

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My d15 and I have heard him lay into his staff in the same way he used to monster at me.  He curses and yells at them.  It’s crazy.

If he continues to act that way, he won't last in any job for long.

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The kids may go back to school part time or full time, but either way the slightest sniffle will mean they will be sent home.

We have developed three different options for our families. Those that want 100% independent study, those that want a blended model where the students are on campus two days a week and study at home the rest, and a four day a week option (Two days a week and two days of intervention/enrichment activities. Of course, trying to do all of this with a 20% budget cut. Hmmmm.

Also we are aware that if we have any cases of covid, the health department will shut us down and send everyone home again. The hardest part we have is that kids miss the social aspect of school and parents have really struggled with the distance learning program. I see the upcoming year in many ways like you do, a lot of options, golden opportunities, and ways that everything can quickly fall apart. I do feel that if we hit the new year running, build the capacity of teachers and site leaders to try and do things differently, and help our parents deal with the adversities they face, we actually may come out of this ahead of where we left off.

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My hope had been that my d15 could get an early license and drive her and s13, but they don’t do that here in FL.

I know that they did that in Wyoming and it was only for school and back. It wasn't available in Colorado (Permit at 15 and 1/2 years and you could test for regular license at 16).  If you were in Texas, could she get a special license as well?

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The decision is a large load off of my mind.

Those are the best decisions. Now just focus on raising the kiddos and building a life for yourself.

((((Hugs))) and more ((((Hugs))))

Ready

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#26: May 30, 2020, 08:59:49 AM
Ready!  I’m sure it is really stressful for teachers and administrators alike with all that is going on!  In that way I am thankful I am not teaching full time for my first year of teaching this coming year as it is going to be a shuffle.  You all deserve a medal!

We have not been told what will happen here, though I’m sure the private schools my kids attend will follow the lead of the public schools.  I heard a rumor that the superintendent here says that all kids will be going back to school full time with the same class size.  However nothing is official and of course the private schools could act on their own.  It does make it difficult to know how to move forward.

Yes, in TX you can get a license early to get to and from school.  That said by the time we move to TX next year she will have her full license anyways.  That will help tremendously as she can get herself and her brother to school once she is driving and hopefully I will work where my littles attend next year.

He currently has 12 years in the military as it is a second career for him.  So he has two more moves, or one double tour.  Yes, if he is sane he can make a very good living in the private sector.  Especially if he moves up the latter in the next few years.  He is not just IT, his career is set up so that you learn how to run an entire hospital.  So he has run HR, legal, been the one in charge of the contracting side, security(at the hospital in Afghanistan while also acting as CIO) and now he is the CIO.  So technically if he were on his A game he could run a hospital in 7-10 years.  Which is a very lucrative job, but even CIO at a hospital pays well.  That said, he is not on his A game.  I’m not sure there is even a letter for him...
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Married 20 years
Husband is 43
Me-39
4 kids 6-15 years old

BD-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).
Spring 2019 H agreed to put off the divorce another school year to keep the kids and I from moving back to TX.
2020-He has continued to help out when asked and be polite.  I do think he questions his choices at times.  I do not believe he has OW.

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#27: May 30, 2020, 10:02:08 PM
I just keep wondering how do you truly mend a broken heart...

My heart is functioning, but not whole.  Sometimes I wonder just how long it will hurt.  It’s like that dull ache of a bad knee.  It doesn’t keep you from living life, but it’s always there with you.  The slightest wrong move and you really feel it.  Somedays it feels great and others you are reminded that the pain is still there.

You can’t truly love without risking your heart.  I met up with a girlfriend today and have decided to start allowing new friendships.  I’m not sure why it’s a big deal, but it is.  Letting people past the walls I’ve built up to protect myself.  I know I have too.  I want to truly live again and that means letting people in.  I wonder if this ache will always be in my heart.

None of what has happened can be taken back.  The betrayal is still with me.  How do you trust again after your closest friend and spouse betrays you?  Every time I am overwhelmed, or stressed, or happy or sad I’m reminded that he didn’t chose me.  He didn’t chose us and I just wish that at some point it would all be ok.  It seems like being made whole from shattered pieces on the floor takes quite a bit of time.  I guess it would.

I remember when all of this started and even 6 months into it, my mind was so traumatized.  He gutted me when he left and how he left and the ugly things he said daily.  Our 20 year anniversary is coming up.  I spent 20 years with a man who months ago couldn’t think of one good quality I had.  He looked me in the eyes with hatred and said, name one good thing about yourself.  He said, I really cannot think of one good thing about you.   

I think that’s why this is so hard.  He stomped me into the ground.  He wanted me to not exist, I think he wanted to break me.  Sometimes I remember and all of that pain comes rushing back. 
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« Last Edit: May 30, 2020, 10:03:21 PM by Finding Joy »
Married 20 years
Husband is 43
Me-39
4 kids 6-15 years old

BD-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).
Spring 2019 H agreed to put off the divorce another school year to keep the kids and I from moving back to TX.
2020-He has continued to help out when asked and be polite.  I do think he questions his choices at times.  I do not believe he has OW.

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#28: May 30, 2020, 11:57:08 PM
Ah, FJ....oh my goodness, yes. I remember that feeling.
I was not just hurt, I was absolutely bewildered by it. That anyone, let alone MY husband and best friend, could share almost 20 years of their life with me, be part of my family, and find nothing valuable enough in all those moments to treat me with basic kindness, decency or respect. Decades were not sufficient. Being married was not sufficient. Who I was and how I responded, not enough. That I had never intentionally hurt him or how much I had loved him. That he was loved and trusted by so many people, not enough. Being bereaved, not enough. Having a life-threatening illness, not enough. Why anyone tbh would want to create such destruction without any apparent care for anyone else.

Truthfully, if I think about it even now, there is still some residual bewilderment.
But....
It was SO bewildering bc it was so all/nothing....and I knew that these things and years and moments and love and trust and people and me were NOT nothing. And, after a bit of time, I knew too that all of them were real, that I hadn't drifted through some kind of imaginary life for almost two decades even if it did feel as if I had suddenly woken up in someone else's life lol.
Which eventually made it obvious that it wasn't about me, or my family, or our friends, or the homes we'd created or all those moments of the life we had shared. My h's decision to treat all of it with contempt and to behave as if he hated me had nothing to do with me. He could have changed his life or left me without behaving that way. How do I know? Bc there were plenty of times when his behaviour warranted my treating him with the same kind of hatred and contempt, plenty of them....you too, I'd guess....and almost always, I managed to dig deep enough to not do that. To make a different choice.

Logic helps imho.
Really? Twenty years with someone you chose to marry and have children with and you see not ONE good thing in them? That's ridiculous....I could meet a stranger on the street for a five minute chat and honestly find something good to say about them.....I could find something positive even in people or public figures I don't know or much like.
It is a ridiculous thing to say and even more ridiculous if someone honestly feels that way. And any adult who feels that way is some mix of emotionally inept, mentally ill or ridiculously delusional about life and other humans.

Which is why opening your door a little to other humans is so rational.
Bc it was never about you and most other humans are not that peculiar or warped tbh. And tbh our radar screen blips quicker after this kind of experience if they are, ha ha.

I am some years out now from my losses and heartbroken days. I won't BS you that my heart is magically restored to how it used to be before these experiences. My heart is different now but it is not broken now either; it found ways to repair different bits in different ways, mostly probably by slowly turning my attention away from the bad stuff and towards the good stuff that healed. Which included so many small moments of good people...some of them strangers, some of them new people as well as old. Too many small moments of good to list here tbh....a stranger who bought me coffee when I was crying, a dentist who invited me to meet her sheep, the staff at my mother's care home who recently sent me a reassuring postcard about my mum, my neighbours who leave fishy gifts for Grace the cat....lots and lots of them. Which tbh seemed all the more peculiar that strangers could be kinder to me than my then h....but it did, like Occam's razor, start to show where the problem lay, the source of the metaphorical infection I suppose  :)

There is a saying in the IC field that we heal our deepest wounds through relationship. I suspect that it is true; it just starts small perhaps and needs a drip-drip effect. So, well done to you for trusting yourself and other humans enough to open the door a little so you can let the drip-drip reach you. X
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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It’s the little things in life...
#29: May 31, 2020, 04:49:48 AM
Dear FJ,
Treasur speaks eloquently about the bewilderment and healing process. I am still bewildered, and can only add nodding along that I have been there, too. I may have written on your thread in the earlier days that I too had a spouse who on exiting and telling me how horrible I was, looked at me coldly and said there was nothing good he could say about me and that was after more than 30 years together. It would have been kinder if they said, as my IC suggested, that it was their issue and they needed something different-to the extent any abandonment could be characterized as kind. More recently, he semi-denied that he ever told me I was horrible, brushing it off as something that doesn't sound like what he would say.  Emotional, like a wild animal, lashing out.

 The vets have taught me about the art of kinsugi- healing broken pottery with gold. I like the visual, perhaps it gives me hope. Yet some pieces will never truly mend.  I have found strength and kindness and love through other relationships with friends and family. Some I have found with new friends, too, but not so closely, they will not find the center of my heart. As Treasur said, my heart, too, is different now.
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BD and moved out 9/2017
M 30 years at BD, together 34

 

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