[in it]

Looks like some of us are getting educated..
Good job Em.
Great post Treasur, Philly Girl, and KIT
And yes Mego you are on the naive side of things. There's no feeling sorry for them.
Stand your ground Em. Talk is cheap.

[em5731]

Kit. If he wants to speak to me and can reach out. I'm not in middle school anymore. You are right he needs to fix his relationship on his own.

Philadelphia. It does make my head spin, you are not cynical at all. Until he shows remorse and is truthful, I don't have anything to say. I don't think he will man up. he seems afraid to speak to me. He has none me my whole life. He knows there is no way I can just sweep this under the rug like it didn't happen and speak to him like a human. I don't think he has the balls

Hi Treasure
He meets his obligations . He can see I need extra things done around the house. I don't trust my oldest daughter at all. I told her I don't want to discuss him or his family again, and that if he needs something he can send an email. He is in a pickle of his own doing, she treats him horrible and he has allowed this for so long and now he doesn't have the power to stop it. I want to help there relationship as I don't want her to be a screwed up adult. But he needs to fix it and right now she will not listen to me as far as he in concerned. I also wonder what is next. Lol treasure.


Hi Init

I don't know if I'm educated on mlc or I have just had enough of it. Im not a door mat, I am not putting up with the games. He needs to grow up and take responsibility for his actions. I have learned a lot about myself during this process.  I used to put up with a lot of crap, I have learned to have a back bone, and to think of myself first and not him. That is a huge change for me

[sachat3]

To some extent I feel sorry for all these MLCers. I mean, how rubbish must it be to see your ex and kids living a happy and fulfilling life without you. However it also serves them right.

I don’t blame you for not wanting your daughter to be in the middle aside from anything it’s unfair on her!

[in it]

Most certainly you are not a doormat, and playing games with these guys gets old after a while.
After too much crap enough is enough.

[em5731]

Sachat

At one time I did feel sorry for him as he looks like crap. But thats the life he chose. My daughter actually can't stand to be around him. its a battle every time he show.

Init
He chose this life and I want know part of it. The games do get old, they really need to grow up and be adults.

[em5731]

I got an email from my ex today, he had a drinking problem for years. He wasn't always that nice to me or my children.He said he was so sorry for being horrible to us back then. I don't know what to make of it. I guess I'm glad he feels sorry now. I didn't respond as I don't know what to say, this was a very bad time in my life. Its right up there with BD. Do you think he is taking stock in his life, he is thinking about the past. 

[Treasur]

Yes, em, I suspect he is....there were a few glimmers a little while ago iirc before he romped back to selfpity and rage. And he has a lot more self repair work to do doesn't he? It sounds, reading between the lines, as if he is apologising for his behaviour while drinking specifically but not other things? So, maybe a partial look?

If you don't know what to say, it's ok to say nothing until you do. Or indeed to just say nothing. Or to say you don't know what to say lol.
Who knows, maybe he is working some 12 step programme....if so, he'll know (or learn) that people have no obligation to respond just bc you apologise and would like them to. That an apology is not a downpayment on a future favour or a magic erasing wand lol. And you will see if his apology is worth much by how he responds if he had an agenda which didn't get met  ....which sadly is possible bc I think your xh is in a real pickle and wants help with his daughter bc he doesn't know what to do....so if you do nothing and he flips back to anger or selfpity, well that will tell you quite a lot about how genuine his recovery progress/efforts are.

Out of interest, has he apologised to anyone else like your older kids as far as you know?
And does he still drink?

[em5731]

Hi treasure

This was something that happened 20 years ago. My son doesn't speak to him. He was sober for 15 years until mlc happened. Now I have no idea if he drinks or not. He said he can not believe that he had treated us so bad. He is not talking about current events. My son thinks he is doing this for attention as he receives none from me. I just thought is was interesting that after all this time he has regrets about. I wouldn't not even know what say to him.

[in it]

Then don't say anything Em.
He has to learn to take personal responsibly for his actions. Maybe he's working on himself maybe not.
He may want you to join in the oh poor me party.
A bit of remorse is there as he acknowledged how badly he treated his family.

[KeepItTogether]

Em I know how you feel for sure. I have received MANY apologies from H--for things he has done and continues to do. And only now do I realize how self serving it is. I simply say thank you and move on from any kind of expectation. True remorse requires one to actually change the behavior for which one is apologizing. And that determination can only be made through the passage of time. I agree with In It though in that the acknowledgement is something.