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Author Topic: My Story 4 Years and counting !

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My Story 4 Years and counting !
#80: October 11, 2020, 11:22:04 PM
I get a similar insight from my kids too. They’ve been witness to a few arguments. And things they have heard clington say to ow are shocking. He wouldn’t dare say them to me. I never get monster, but I assume she does.
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Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D6 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017
Moved in with Ow - November 2019
Ow met children - December 2019

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4 Years and counting !
#81: October 12, 2020, 02:49:23 AM
It hasn't always felt this way lol, but rationally it makes sense to me that many of these relationships are inherently dysfunctional, MLC or not. That they are just not the kind of relationships most of us chose to have with our spouses or indeed previous relationships. Or would want to have now.

Blowing up your old life/family etc to 'win' an ow/om is logically putting all your eggs in one high risk stakes emotional basket isn't it? And that must add some pressure and latent expectations about the relationship being 'perfect' and 'worth it'. And no relationship can easily carry that weight. It's a bit like the difference between me moving a few miles to live with someone vs moving to Alaska....the stakes are just bigger lol.

Plus both of you know....even if you don't admit it....that you are in a relationship with someone who is capable of tremendous deceit and betrayal, who is capable of throwing people who loved and trusted them, for much longer than you have known them probably, under a bus if they are not 'happy'. I'm sure for a while your 'twu luv' story combined with some shared narcissism allows you to tell yourself that you're special so it will be different with you....but I imagine over time that might fade a bit. It's not a great foundation to build a solid future on is it?

Plus in many cases it seems that both MLC spouses and the type of ow they pick who agree to play are not emotionally very healthy adults full stop. Rationally - although it is so hard to really get this as an LBS in our bones - if we didn't make them act this way, then ow/om can't stop them either can they? It is about them, in them...and they carry that mess off with them into their new lives. And what do you do when your magic Happy is no longer magic or happy....when the normal challenges of real life and relationships appear as they inevitably do for all of us?

Tbh with time and distance I am probably more surprised if I hear stories that the ex/spouse is living a good healthy stable life years down the road.
I think the reality of the karma bus is usually that they get to both live with exactly what they chose, the predictable consequences that come with that and the people they have become  :)
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: 4 Years and counting !
#82: October 12, 2020, 09:48:13 AM
Hi Sachat and treasure

Im sure it it dysfunctional. Not something I would want to be around. It is good to hear that his life sucks. After everything that has happened he really needs to suffer. I could never be around him after what he did, so dysfunction is what he deserves.
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4 Years and counting !
#83: October 12, 2020, 01:30:18 PM
Hello,

Quote
I got more of an insight into my ex h every day life. I thought he was happy,

Happiness is not found from external sources, but instead comes from within. A lot of our MLCers find a high with the new partner, but it only treats the symptoms not the issue. A lot of excitement with someone new. The chemicals in the brain, the buzz of the many firsts. Most of all, it justifies their reasoning that it was all about you in the first place. When I am with my LBSer, I am in pain and miserable. However, when I am with the new person. Well, she/he gets me. They make me feel like I am alive again.

Just like any chemical dependence, their relationship is complex, complicated, but not necessarily healthy or wholesome. Each relationship has it's own dynamics and no two are exactly alike. Some, like my ex, loved the fantasy of someone being their "soul mate" and saving them from the misery they felt. Some are about control and power.

In the end, it just about two people using each other. It is not a transformational relationship, it is merely transactional. Some are satisfied with the arrangement and are content to use the other person for years; most are not. The high wears off and the misery returns and now the other person is the source of their pain. The alienator is not the cause of MLC, instead they enable the MLCer to escape and avoid the crisis and their issues. The affair is not the root cause of MLC, it just enables the MLCer to kick the can down the road.

In the end, it is still the crisis of the MLCer and they alone have to resolve the issues or live an empty life. Their choice, not ours

(((((Ready))))
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4 Years and counting !
#84: October 13, 2020, 05:14:39 AM
I couldn't agree more. There is a constant need for other people to fulfill their needs in some way as if that is going to solve all of their problems. I don't really have much insight into my ex and OW's life, but I hear the odd little story now and again from my son, but he never goes into too much detail. I also know when things aren't going well, when my kids tell me they've had McDonald's at their dad's house or he asks to drop them home early. It's generally when OW isn't on the scene for whatever reason to provide a home cooked meal for them and to look after them. He can't cope with the responsibility on his own.

At the moment, my ex has become transfixed on my son. He is constantly sending him messages on WhatsApp and is getting very frustrated when he doesn't reply, which is a lot! He is now needing the kids to fix him. He couldn't give a monkey's before that as the OW provided all his ego boosting needs. Instead, my son is getting messages about ex's new fish, his newly landscaped garden, all the lessons he is planning and the occasional message in block capitals 'WHY DON'T YOU ANSWER MY MESSAGES?, followed by 'I love you'. My son is losing his patience with it all.

Even OW messaged my son to say she can't wait for him to see the new garden. It's ace! My son is like 'This garden had better be amazing, otherwise I'm going to be disappointed. I wonder if there's a swing or a slide for my sister'.
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Re: 4 Years and counting !
#85: October 13, 2020, 06:13:07 PM
Ready

When I thought he was happy I was a little disappointed, not because I want him back, because he caused so much damage to me and my kids he just doesn't deserve it. What you said makes sense. He needs this craziness to escape his everyday life. It is a transactional relationship. Whic he would have never received that from me. I know it mlc but its always nice to have it confirmed as this is not how normal people in their 50s behave. 
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Re: 4 Years and counting !
#86: October 13, 2020, 06:20:51 PM
New day

That's how my ex is, we have 4 children he really only has a relationship with one. He just can not get enough of my daughter. she is married with her own family he he is always with them, he brings ow as well, but from what I here he treats her so badly that its embarrassing.The whatsapp, the mlcer favorite place to be. Your ex seems a lot more clingy to your son than I have seen in other mlcers. He probably wants to show off his new things to prove how happy he is. Crazyness
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4 Years and counting !
#87: October 16, 2020, 04:31:46 AM
Yes em5731 they do sound very similar. My kids are younger. My son is 11 and so has recently got a mobile phone and so he can't contact my daughter quite the same as she's 4.

He wasn't always like this towards my son, it's only in the last few weeks where I am sensing that things aren't going to swimmingly with new wifey and so he needs a new outlet to feed his ego as he isn't getting that from her.

Yesterday, my ex decided to come into the house and call me 3x from my house phone. I had sent him a message in the morning to say that my daughter was getting her hair cut and so we might be 10mins late for when he collects them for a few hours. He didn't get the message as he had left his phone at home.

My son was home and could have explained the situation, but still felt is appropriate to come into my home and call me 3x off my home phone. If it was totally necessary to call me, my son could have done the calling or he could have used my son's mobile phone. So, I missed the 3 calls from the house phone and called it back expecting my son to answer and it was ex. I was totally taken aback by it. I couldn't say anything as I was in the hairdressers with my daughter and 6 other strangers. He crossed a boundary that I have been very firm with and he knows it.

I don't know if I should be this mad. I just envision him snooping around my house while I'm not around. Grrrr
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s
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4 Years and counting !
#88: October 16, 2020, 07:41:17 AM
Personally I would also be mad. Clington rarely comes inside my house. And when he does he usually stands in the kitchen like a lost part. You would think my house had cooties the way he acts.
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Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D6 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017
Moved in with Ow - November 2019
Ow met children - December 2019

e
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Re: 4 Years and counting !
#89: October 17, 2020, 07:10:04 PM
New day

I wouldn't want my ex in my house either. He left this house. It took 3 years for him to come to my door. He would probably explode if he came in. lol
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