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Author Topic: My Story  Beauty into Beast 18

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My Story Beauty into Beast 18
#20: June 15, 2020, 02:17:55 AM
LP has said what is in my mind.  I do hope it isn’t cancer.  But he is awfully young to have it and in the unlikely event it is, many/most cancers now may be ‘cured’ or managed long term.

I would tend to see this as a manipulative move until I heard definitively otherwise.  I would also ask what needs you have deep inside re attachment and feeling needed that are activated by responding in an actively caring role towards him.  It’s possible you might find echoes from childhood where you needed to play the caring role for those who should have been looking after themselves or, in the case of siblings, should have been looked after by adults.

There is concern for someone who is your children’s father (and nostalgic memories of past times) but that isn’t the same as bending yourself to care for an adult with his own support system when he has not shown that he can do this for you.

You know all this of course, but when this kind of manipulation happens to me, it’s still hard not to get sucked in so I’m just saying, in case you are being drawn in emotionally and feeling overwhelmed.
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Re: Beauty into Beast 18
#21: June 15, 2020, 04:34:31 AM
I quite agree with LP.
She said my thoughts more succinctly than I could.

Put the shoe on the other foot.
Look at how MLCers act when the LBSer is in need - do they come to the rescue?
Look at Nas - her H is one of the worst. He knows she has a serious cancer - and is there any assistance? No.
He writes her an e-mail now and again - to see if she is still breathing. 
But he has carefully made plans to avoid her getting any financial assistance, or help, and has hindered all efforts to get a divorce.

LP is quite right - Beast has been all about shirking his responsibilities.
He is not really that involved in the kids lives.
He does the bare minimum.
And he doesn't properly provide for them financially.
In the UK you have socialized medicine - so it is not as if he will go without treatment for lack of the ability to pay.
He has Skittles and his mother to tend to him.

I also agree with LP about him sensing that you have let go of the rope.
He may not be astute enough to see that you are about to launch into a new career and a new life.
But they are able to sniff out when we are about to sail away.

Having compassion does not mean you have to get intimately involved.
Express your regrets for his situation and wish him the best recovery (on his own).

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Beauty into Beast 18
#22: July 03, 2020, 09:43:50 AM
It is interesting reading all the thoughtful responses and I am sorry it has been a while since I have come back to update you all.

I think reading the varied responses on here actually just about imitates the 'voices' or 'sides' of my own internal argument.

One side that is upset about who he was, how the story would end, how my children would be affected. The side who wants to look beyond that and see it as him reaching out for someone he trusts or can rely on....even now.

One side that is very 'firetruck him he chose this' type of attitude. And I would be lying if I didn't admit that there are a few darker thoughts. Thoughts that I then get upset and ashamed of, because I know that is not really who I am but more who this situation can make you turn into. Even if only for a little while.

I think the shock of the call out of no where, when we normally text and talk at pick up, is what sent me spinning. My own future brain processes that start playing out the whole scenario. Watching someone you loved getting sick, suffering, potentially dying. The impact that would have on my children. The sadness of that being how his story ended. The fact that I would never get any closure for sure in a very permanent way. Something you sit and think about as you are old and grey and full of regret about this type of thing.

I already know that none of us will really get the closure we need or seek after this. That we have to make our own closure. But death makes it a very real permanent impossibility you know?

At any rate back to the point.

I was upset because I had parts of me saying 'firetruck him, that's what he gets' type of things. Then I felt guilt and shame because really even though he has done what he has done, I know I don't really feel that way. Then I would get sad at the thought of the kids, and the loss of possibilities for them. Then I would start to feel like I need to be who I am. Who am I and what would I do for anyone else in that position? I am a loyal person that is there for those who don't deserve it. And then I would get angry and start back at the beginning. I had to reach out and talk to someone to get me out of my own mental loops.

At any rate. I don't think it was a ploy on his part to get out of money or anything like that. He is still paying what he has been, he never even mentioned it. I think perhaps it was a good dose of thinkies on his part, and anxiety which he is prone to. He went for an appointment where they did an ultrasound and they think it is some kind of calcium deposits or something. He still needs to go to another doctor for all the other symptoms...but it looks like it might not be as bad as he was worried about.

I felt relieved for the kids, but I actually didn't feel very much else. If we were still together I probably would have cried from relief, or been joyfully jumping and hugging. But I just felt nothing more than ''Oh that's good, I am glad the kids won't have to go through that''.

And then I felt like a $h!tety person because I don't feel anything anymore but...that is where I am now.

In other news, still plugging away at my studies, started working from home, and now having to deal with my daughter becoming a pre-teen. I will let you decide which is the hardest part. :)

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Beauty into Beast 18
#23: July 03, 2020, 10:29:47 AM
And then I felt like a $h!tety person because I don't feel anything anymore but...that is where I am now.

Surely that is where we want to end up?  I think you’ve done really well.  Please don’t deny any bad flashes of vengeful thoughts as that is normal and it’s pointless to pretend we don’t have them.  I don’t really believe people who don’t ever have them and if they are being genuine about this then they may have more masochism inside than is entirely healthy and that’s another story.

My revenge thoughts can be so dire, I don’t think I can write them here.
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Beauty into Beast 18
#24: July 03, 2020, 10:51:19 AM
Nerissa is quite right lol....both meh and vindictive fantasies seem quite healthy and normal to me  :)
Relieved the news is better than it could have been...both for your kids and tbh bc it could have brought some turmoil into your life that I'm not sure you'd welcome  :)
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H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Beauty into Beast 18
#25: July 28, 2020, 09:56:16 AM
So I mainly came back here to post my topic about a Separation Agreement:

But I figure I might as well update while I am here right?

Last night I had another one of those dreams. The ones that aren't really dreams at all, but an urge or telling me, to do something important. I spent the last 4 hours typing up a Separation Agreement following a legal document. It was intense but unemotional. Even reading lines that used to hurt, no longer hurt me. I remember when this all first started reading lines like 'separate parties' and 'child maintenance' and 'division of matrimonial property' would send me into tears. Now I type them all and I don't really feel anything. I hope that remains the case as this goes on, and all those emotions don't come flooding back. At least not full force anyway.

Daughter came to me yesterday and said the strangest thing out of no where. She said 'Mom I don't think he is happy at his new house. I think he is lonely'. I asked her what gave her that idea, and she couldn't quiet put her finger on it, she 'Just knew'.

Outwardly there seems no difference to me. He is still kind of a boomerang but coming up to three years in it is like...a less concentrated boomerang. He still randomly wants to do the garden. He still randomly decides today is the day to sit on the steps and talk with me for 30 minutes about nothing after dropping the kids off. He still randomly texts me when I have gone to quiet. And on the other end...there are days he refuses to look at me when he picks the kids up. The are days when you hear nothing from him at all. There are still not talks or questions about anything to do with us. He no longer questions the kids about what I am doing, or where I am going. Still the same behaviours, just....less variance between extremes. Before it was like freezing cold and boiling hot fluctuation....and now it is more like chilly to lukewarm fluctuation if that makes any sense at all.

In terms of personal life we shall do a comparison of the last few years.

Spent the first year and a half just trying to emotionally survive, get on my feet as a newly single mom of three...alone, in pain, and isolated. Then as time progressed it hurt less, I learned more, I grew more. The pain will always be there, buried now under layers of scar tissue. It will never go away entirely I think, it just slowly becomes a dull ache, instead of a screaming wound.

My University finishes next month, launching me into my new phase of life. The culmination of 7 years part time study at night, while raising two kids, having a third, the loss of my father, and MLC. I don't think I will get a First Degree that I was in line to get before BD, and that hurt me for a long time. Those two years of MLC really impacted me in every way. I will likely graduate with a 2nd. And actually after a lot of self abuse (likely from childhood trauma) I decided that I am more than firetrucking okay with that. Because not a lot of people can do what I did, through the pain that I did. And I should be proud of myself. The first real acceptance of Self Love I guess.

Financially things are about to shift, as now that youngest is of school age I will no longer receive the same benefits we have relied on since my husband firetrucked off and left me with three kids and no income. I am a little stressed at this shift, mostly because everything is aligning at once. My degree completion, my kids all at school (which I don't know if it will be full time, or 2 days a week yet), obtaining childcare, and trying to hunt for a 'proper' job after 10 years unemployed. Sure I have tutored and done some writing on websites from home, but nothing really relevant to my degree at this point. I know this will stack against me, along with all the other people looking for work right now....but once I get my foot in the will be smooth sailing. So anxiety for all the work to change, but confidence in knowing I will prevail.

As for Beast:
While I can't see everything that goes on, particularly the internal bits I have seen plenty. He quit his degree long ago. Quit is job for the local council which would have paid him 3 x what he makes now. Quit working out at the gym. No longer goes to concerts with BIL like a manic teenagers. Lived with his mother until he obtained a local council flat in a very crummy part of town. Had to go to therapy, has had tons of medical issues in the nether regions.... Pedalled around on a bike, until his gf got him a smart car. Constantly up and down mood wise, never really smiling or laughing like before. Suffering from paranoia and eating disorders. Often shows a delusional Disney Dad mentality toward the kids. Sits in his new council flat feeding all the neighbourhood cats, and screaming at the neighbourhood children for knocking his door. He has been on furlough since March, and is looking to return to work in Oct when he thinks he will be fired from the job he has had for 10 years. Currently he has to disinfect his flat on a Monday when the kids leave (where he puts all 'her' stuff back out, and hides the kids things), and again on Friday (where he puts all 'her' stuff away, and brings the kids things out).

I can't imagine having to do that on a weekly basis. Change my decor, sheets, everything...based on who is going to be there. A division of his lives every Monday and Friday. firetrucking weird.

Anyway perhaps I am biased but I can see an upward trend on one side, and a downward spiral on the other. In every aspect of life, not just one. Everyone says in the beginning that is what happens, but we are too blind to see past the pain. You see quotes and memes of breakups.... they all say it will happen. But you never really believe it will happen to you until you see it. I can see it.

I don't spend a lot of time here. I guess that is pretty common with most people at this stage. I do like to check in with everyone every now and again though. Many people here I consider friends. It is also nice to know that someday someone will come here, in terrible pain. Reading through all the forums like I did, and will see my story and it will help them. If only for a little while.

If you are that person....reading this story, with tears running down your will get better I promise. It will never fully go away. You will always remember this. A song, a movie, a quote....will bring those feelings back to you. But each will hurt a little bit less....and each time you will get a little bit stronger. Until one day you can listen to that song again, and actually enjoy the good memories it had. Keep your head up, and just keep trying.
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« Last Edit: July 28, 2020, 10:01:15 AM by Mortesbride »
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

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Beauty into Beast 18
#26: July 28, 2020, 10:14:29 AM
Lovely to read your update Morte 😃
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Re: Beauty into Beast 18
#27: July 28, 2020, 02:19:44 PM
Me, too, I enjoyed the update, Morte. So your H is not happy, says your D. Sounds like she's right by your description of him lately. But you've got to the end of your degree, how amazing! I couldn't have done your degree even if I'd been childless and rich and sitting on my bum all day. You are so clever, and determined, and a good team player. Of course you'll get your foot in the door somewhere. Of course, changes are scary, and we've sure had to accept so many. We want stability, certainty, security. I'm sorry you're losing some benefits and it's adding pressure to you, but once you complete your degree and get out in the job market, I suspect you'll cover more than the benefit offered in the first place. Plus, you will be in control of your finances from then on, and that's a good feeling.
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Beauty into Beast 18
#28: July 30, 2020, 03:32:19 AM
Interesting update Mort...

We all kind of "know" that the real Mid-Lifers are not really "happy" but more like a state of mania... sort of like this guy looking "happy."

so I don't think your daughter is THAT far off the mark....

The chickens DO come home to roost at some point....
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Beauty into Beast 18
#29: August 30, 2020, 02:45:10 PM
Oh gosh I can't imagine having to change my house on Mondays and Fridays.  These crazy MLCers.
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