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Author Topic: My Story  Beauty into Beast 18

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My Story Beauty into Beast 18
#40: September 08, 2020, 02:03:24 AM
Congratulations Morte!

I remember being in that same position for my Masters (without the MLC nonsense) and how relieved I was when I got the notification that my Thesis was received and accepted.... Like a brick off my neck....
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Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Beauty into Beast 18
#41: September 10, 2020, 09:01:12 AM
Congrats Morte--you really are amazing. 3 small children and still managed to get a degree....during a pandemic...and MLC. So--yay you!  I'll make a toast to you as well in our smokey skies today!
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Me 49
H 47
S13
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

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Beauty into Beast 18
#42: October 09, 2020, 02:09:35 PM
Just catching up on it all! Congrats that is a huge accomplishment!! And loved the "Ain't nobody got time!" Lol!
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M 48
H 41
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Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/18

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

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Beauty into Beast 18
#43: October 17, 2020, 06:02:50 AM
Still awaiting my results, which are apparently due at the end of October. Tick tock goes the clock.

Kinda driving me nuts that all this Christmas jazz had started back in September. Like Halloween is going to be completely forgotten soon. I bought myself some Halloween t shirts just to say F the system. I will not let the rest of the year die to the Christmas nut cases!!!! Lol

At any rate I just thought I would come by and update with something that happened last month or so.

Rolling on 3 years since BD, and I hadn't had a conversation...a REAL conversation... with Beast since he ambushed me in the car park ages ago. I can't remember exactly when that happened, beginning of the year, or maybe it was last year. To lazy to look back in my journal but a long time anyway.

So it happened his newest thing is to randomly drop by sweets for the kids, but this day they were all out at friends. I was in the house alone, and to save the dogs barking or running out...I just opened my front window so he could pass the sweets in. He asked where the kids were, and I said out but I would give them their sweets no problem. Then he proceeded to stand outside the front of my house, talking to me through the window, in the driveway, for the entire street to see...for what must have been 1-1.5 hours. He kept saying how he needed to go because his groceries were going to melt, yet kept finding things to talk about and stay.

It was both an enlightening and disturbing look into the mind of an MLCer...or at least a Beast. He talked about how people are just objects to be thrown away, and how he doesn't feel love like 'normal people'. How he could throw away 'thing wee' and replace her next week. I asked him in a calm unemotional voice if that is how he had always felt about me. He looked a little confused and said 'No I was happy. You made me happy for a long time and I loved you. As much as I can love a person. But I am different. I don't love like you do'. He then went on to say that 'I'd like us to be friends again, but not all the other stuff (sex, house, marriage, kids, job). It is too stressful. I just want to live an easy life with a crappy job and not deal with all that' to which I finished ''Responsibility'' and he nodded.

I asked him ''Why do you think you left in the end?'' he replied ''Too much stress. I couldn't handle all the stress''. He then started to talk about all the masks he has to wear for people. This has been a conversation we have had before. How it was to draining for him to be everything for everybody. He shifted the topic and then agreed about a lot of good things in our relationship. It was nice to hear it from his mouth. That all the things I thought were good were real, and not just my version. How we were both happy to be in each other's presence but give each other space, equally happy to hang out together as to do our own thing. The same sense of humour and jokes. etc etc Complaining about normal people who ''aren't like us''.

All the things I remember writing about and saying on here. Yet over time I think I started to convince myself that maybe it was just how I saw things. Maybe he never saw our relationship the same way I did. It doesn't fix anything or change anything, but it was nice to be validated in a way....even if it took three years to hear it.

It was not an apology. I don't think an apology will ever come. But it was certainly a bit of validation. Validation that I am not the crazy one. It was real. And it was good for the most part. And he did crack under the stress of being an adult.

At this point I am grateful for that, because I never expected to get any validation on it to be honest. Not from him.

It doesn't change anything. It doesn't fix anything. But it does help.
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You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

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Beauty into Beast 18
#44: October 17, 2020, 07:25:25 AM
Hello,

Great conversation that basically confirmed what you knew all along: you have a man/child on your hands. In the past, there has been a discussion on age and MLC. That someone can be too young to have the "mid-life crisis".  I agree that late twenties and early thirties is not defined as mid-life, but the crisis is real. Most of our MLCers reach a stage and enter the crisis following an event, death of a loved one, great success or failure, something triggers the mind to fear the future and look back to the comfort of the past. To live like they were young and carefree.

Your situation follows another pattern. Young family, with children and suddenly, the MLCer wants to flee. Doesn't want the responsibility of life. Too much to handle.  Wants to live the life of Gauguin and live on an island and paint. In your case, become the next great author of all time.

However, those that fancy themselves as the next Gauguin need to understand mindset. Gauguin left to pursue his passion; Beast left everything out of fear.

Quote
It doesn't fix anything or change anything, but it was nice to be validated in a way....even if it took three years to hear it.

Same here, mine took seven but it was good to hear. The saddest thing is that you have moved forward these past three years and Beast is still stuck in the past.

((((Hugs)))

Ready



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Beauty into Beast 18
#45: October 17, 2020, 03:25:12 PM
Hello Morte. Very interesting. And mirrors what my H said sometime before BD (a bit like you, I’m not exactly sure of the time frame and I can’t be bothered trying too hard to figure out exactly when it was) that ‘he didn’t think like other people’. We’d been having a discussion about something he wanted to do in the future (a new hobby or something, some dream he had), and it struck me that I knew, and cared about, many of his dreams and ambitions, but that he was never interested, never asked, about my dreams/ambitions etc. I said that to him and that’s when he said he ‘didn’t think like other people’. It took so much energy and effort just to keep track of his own mind and thoughts that he had nothing left, no other headspace available, for other people. We’d had some other conversations in the past a bit like that, but this one I remember clearly because I remembering thinking ‘I can’t imagine what that must feel like’. Then BD, and BOY did I know what that was like then!!  My mind was such a swirling messy foggy (the perfect word for it) soup of thoughts. I had no headspace for anything/anyone else. I knew I SHOULD be focussing on my girls, my friend that was dying of cancer, my work, my family (and I managed to do some of that, but only the bare minimum). But it was SUCH a struggle to do even that bare minimum. It felt a bit like when you take kids bowling and they put the bumper things up in the gutters to stop the ball going out of the lane. It felt like I knew I needed to be the one that stopped myself from totally derailing and going down the gutter, so I knew those bumpers were necessary. But it took ALL my concentration and effort to keep those bumpers in place for myself. Nothing left over to help others with their bumpers (very different to the normal me who was previously always the bumper for friends/family). I think if my H’s brain was anything like how I felt that first 14mths (and still a bit now 2 years in), I can very much sympathise.

So it’s interesting Beast said that to you. I can understand a bit how HORRIBLE and debilitating it feels. I can understand (but not condone) the ‘I know, I’ll just run away and start a new, no responsibilities life’ thought. Doesn’t really make it much easier for us though does it.

I’m typing on phone so apologise for crappy fomatting (and any typos!). I’m following along with your journey and hope one day I can reach the calm composure you’ve reached (still too many meltdown moments!).
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M: 50 (48 @ BD)
H: 53 (51 @ BD)
Married 20yrs, together 23yrs
D: 21 (19 @ BD)
D: 19 (17 @ BD)
'Extra D': 19 (17 @ BD)
BD (that I didn't recognise as such) Easter 2018
BD 9th Sep 2018
OW (45, now 47) - he met her in the pub a week before BD, told me about her a week after BD. Thinks 'their planets have collided' because 'their eyes met across the room' and they had an 'instant connection'. Lives with her. Is building a life with her. Jun 20: H plans to buy a block of land and build a house with her.

 

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