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Author Topic: My Story  Beauty into Beast 18

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My Story Beauty into Beast 18
#40: September 08, 2020, 02:03:24 AM
Congratulations Morte!

I remember being in that same position for my Masters (without the MLC nonsense) and how relieved I was when I got the notification that my Thesis was received and accepted.... Like a brick off my neck....
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Beauty into Beast 18
#41: September 10, 2020, 09:01:12 AM
Congrats Morte--you really are amazing. 3 small children and still managed to get a degree....during a pandemic...and MLC. So--yay you!  I'll make a toast to you as well in our smokey skies today!
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Beauty into Beast 18
#42: October 09, 2020, 02:09:35 PM
Just catching up on it all! Congrats that is a huge accomplishment!! And loved the "Ain't nobody got time!" Lol!
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 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

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Beauty into Beast 18
#43: October 17, 2020, 06:02:50 AM
Still awaiting my results, which are apparently due at the end of October. Tick tock goes the clock.

Kinda driving me nuts that all this Christmas jazz had started back in September. Like Halloween is going to be completely forgotten soon. I bought myself some Halloween t shirts just to say F the system. I will not let the rest of the year die to the Christmas nut cases!!!! Lol

At any rate I just thought I would come by and update with something that happened last month or so.

Rolling on 3 years since BD, and I hadn't had a conversation...a REAL conversation... with Beast since he ambushed me in the car park ages ago. I can't remember exactly when that happened, beginning of the year, or maybe it was last year. To lazy to look back in my journal but a long time anyway.

So it happened his newest thing is to randomly drop by sweets for the kids, but this day they were all out at friends. I was in the house alone, and to save the dogs barking or running out...I just opened my front window so he could pass the sweets in. He asked where the kids were, and I said out but I would give them their sweets no problem. Then he proceeded to stand outside the front of my house, talking to me through the window, in the driveway, for the entire street to see...for what must have been 1-1.5 hours. He kept saying how he needed to go because his groceries were going to melt, yet kept finding things to talk about and stay.

It was both an enlightening and disturbing look into the mind of an MLCer...or at least a Beast. He talked about how people are just objects to be thrown away, and how he doesn't feel love like 'normal people'. How he could throw away 'thing wee' and replace her next week. I asked him in a calm unemotional voice if that is how he had always felt about me. He looked a little confused and said 'No I was happy. You made me happy for a long time and I loved you. As much as I can love a person. But I am different. I don't love like you do'. He then went on to say that 'I'd like us to be friends again, but not all the other stuff (sex, house, marriage, kids, job). It is too stressful. I just want to live an easy life with a crappy job and not deal with all that' to which I finished ''Responsibility'' and he nodded.

I asked him ''Why do you think you left in the end?'' he replied ''Too much stress. I couldn't handle all the stress''. He then started to talk about all the masks he has to wear for people. This has been a conversation we have had before. How it was to draining for him to be everything for everybody. He shifted the topic and then agreed about a lot of good things in our relationship. It was nice to hear it from his mouth. That all the things I thought were good were real, and not just my version. How we were both happy to be in each other's presence but give each other space, equally happy to hang out together as to do our own thing. The same sense of humour and jokes. etc etc Complaining about normal people who ''aren't like us''.

All the things I remember writing about and saying on here. Yet over time I think I started to convince myself that maybe it was just how I saw things. Maybe he never saw our relationship the same way I did. It doesn't fix anything or change anything, but it was nice to be validated in a way....even if it took three years to hear it.

It was not an apology. I don't think an apology will ever come. But it was certainly a bit of validation. Validation that I am not the crazy one. It was real. And it was good for the most part. And he did crack under the stress of being an adult.

At this point I am grateful for that, because I never expected to get any validation on it to be honest. Not from him.

It doesn't change anything. It doesn't fix anything. But it does help.
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Beauty into Beast 18
#44: October 17, 2020, 07:25:25 AM
Hello,

Great conversation that basically confirmed what you knew all along: you have a man/child on your hands. In the past, there has been a discussion on age and MLC. That someone can be too young to have the "mid-life crisis".  I agree that late twenties and early thirties is not defined as mid-life, but the crisis is real. Most of our MLCers reach a stage and enter the crisis following an event, death of a loved one, great success or failure, something triggers the mind to fear the future and look back to the comfort of the past. To live like they were young and carefree.

Your situation follows another pattern. Young family, with children and suddenly, the MLCer wants to flee. Doesn't want the responsibility of life. Too much to handle.  Wants to live the life of Gauguin and live on an island and paint. In your case, become the next great author of all time.

However, those that fancy themselves as the next Gauguin need to understand mindset. Gauguin left to pursue his passion; Beast left everything out of fear.

Quote
It doesn't fix anything or change anything, but it was nice to be validated in a way....even if it took three years to hear it.

Same here, mine took seven but it was good to hear. The saddest thing is that you have moved forward these past three years and Beast is still stuck in the past.

((((Hugs)))

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Beauty into Beast 18
#45: October 17, 2020, 03:25:12 PM
Hello Morte. Very interesting. And mirrors what my H said sometime before BD (a bit like you, I’m not exactly sure of the time frame and I can’t be bothered trying too hard to figure out exactly when it was) that ‘he didn’t think like other people’. We’d been having a discussion about something he wanted to do in the future (a new hobby or something, some dream he had), and it struck me that I knew, and cared about, many of his dreams and ambitions, but that he was never interested, never asked, about my dreams/ambitions etc. I said that to him and that’s when he said he ‘didn’t think like other people’. It took so much energy and effort just to keep track of his own mind and thoughts that he had nothing left, no other headspace available, for other people. We’d had some other conversations in the past a bit like that, but this one I remember clearly because I remembering thinking ‘I can’t imagine what that must feel like’. Then BD, and BOY did I know what that was like then!!  My mind was such a swirling messy foggy (the perfect word for it) soup of thoughts. I had no headspace for anything/anyone else. I knew I SHOULD be focussing on my girls, my friend that was dying of cancer, my work, my family (and I managed to do some of that, but only the bare minimum). But it was SUCH a struggle to do even that bare minimum. It felt a bit like when you take kids bowling and they put the bumper things up in the gutters to stop the ball going out of the lane. It felt like I knew I needed to be the one that stopped myself from totally derailing and going down the gutter, so I knew those bumpers were necessary. But it took ALL my concentration and effort to keep those bumpers in place for myself. Nothing left over to help others with their bumpers (very different to the normal me who was previously always the bumper for friends/family). I think if my H’s brain was anything like how I felt that first 14mths (and still a bit now 2 years in), I can very much sympathise.

So it’s interesting Beast said that to you. I can understand a bit how HORRIBLE and debilitating it feels. I can understand (but not condone) the ‘I know, I’ll just run away and start a new, no responsibilities life’ thought. Doesn’t really make it much easier for us though does it.

I’m typing on phone so apologise for crappy fomatting (and any typos!). I’m following along with your journey and hope one day I can reach the calm composure you’ve reached (still too many meltdown moments!).
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Beauty into Beast 18
#46: Today at 02:36:50 AM
Well hello again all my cosy little friends. I hope things are going okay for you during this 'wonderful' year. :)

Just popped round to give a quick update on life atm.

I managed to get my BS (Hon) degree with a second. At first I was struggling to accept that, because I intentionally set out to get a First. I had two bad periods of study (1 when I was pregnant and my father died, 2 when Beast left). It is interesting to look at my study record and see Distinction, Distinction, Pass 2...Distinction, Distinction... Pass 2, pass 3 (two courses I took during BD). It is like a permanent reminder of those periods of my life. Even in my academic sheet. So I was chasing up the school who said I could retake a module and probably get it up to a first....but really in the end does it really matter? I ultimately plan to go on to get a Masters and maybe even one day a PHD. So really who the hell cares?

 Oh just my little pea brain in the back of my head who says I am not good enough because I didn't bring home an 'A'. Programming from my childhood. Even now well into my thirties...I still beat myself up over a grade because there would be consequences at home. Physical maybe, emotional absolutely.

Logically I knew that raising 3 children of primary school age, during the death of a parent, the abandonment of a spouse, no family support, and a worldwide pandemic at the end....most people wouldn't have made it to the end. Logically I knew I should just be happy. But emotionally I struggled for a bit. Yet at the same time when I got my result back originally I was so proud of myself I burst into tears. That really doesn't happen...like ever. I don't think I have ever felt so proud of myself. Yet the follow up feeling was a sense of 'you didn't do good enough'. A mark from childhood that still influences my emotions as an adult. What a couple of $h!te bag parents I had. Anyway.  ::)

Eventually after speaking to student advisor about how big a deal it really was, we determined that it isn't a big deal and I should be proud of myself. Which is what my logical brain said...so I told the emotional side to shut up, accepted the degree and wait patiently for it to arrive by post. Probably going to frame it and stick it in the hall right as you walk it. Deserves it to be honest. I am a little gutted and also relieved they cancelled the graduation this year. Gutted because I imagined after this long studying to be able to walk across the stage getting cheered on by Beast and the kids while I got my degree. Relieved because now I don't have to worry about who to invite and being there alone. It is all so complicated and not what I had planned 7 years ago.

Currently I am doing some online writing for work, while looking for a job in a degree relevant career. During a pandemic. With primary care of three kids. And no relevant experience for the last 10 years. I figure you can guess how well that is going at the moment.  ;)

To top it all off Beast decided THIS was the perfect time to finally quit his job that he has been at for over a decade. He started working as a delivery driver and didn't tell me for two weeks 'so he could try it out' first. One random Monday night he shows up at 8.30 pm lays down on my couch...and proceeds to tell me he just worked a 13 hour shift with no breaks, to be yelled at by the end of the day. At this stage I didn't even realise he had moved job, though I was suspicious something was up because his contact pattern was different. It was such an odd thing that he would turn up here at the end of such a horrible day. An odd way to announce he had changed jobs, and was now about to quit again. This apparently was day 4 at the driving job....and he was never going back. Instead of phoning them to let them know he was leaving, he just blocked them. Apparently they called 19 times, and he never replied to any of them. I guess he finds that easier than just telling them he quits.

Of course at this time he has also decided to buy himself a desktop Pc for gaming. Right before Christmas. Without a job.

Naturally I am now worried if he is not going to pay child maintenance. Perhaps he will just shive it off his mom or gran. It won't necessarily be the death of me, but it will definitely be hard. Particularly since Christmas is coming up, and my car decided now was a good time for the windshield wiper motors to both break down. And lord knows you can't drive a damn car is Scotland without wipers.  :-\ Apparently this is not a cheap fix and the garage has quoted me £1030 for two motors. It seems crazy a price for something so simple...but what the hell do I know about cars. I question if that is a normal price or if the garage is just trying to do one over one me. Trust issues.  :P


I've joined an online video chat group therapy session. I don't think I would ever consider individual therapy because the one time I went she just stared and 'umm hmmm' and 'aaahhhh' and 'how did that make you feel' me. I didn't find that style of therapy helpful at all. But when you are in a group and there is a 'topic' to talk about, and you can each share your individual experiences or thoughts...I learn a lot. I guess our trip to Tuscany was indirectly like that. It wasn't a 'therapy session' but stuff came up, and we all talked about it .... or not... as we saw fit. Listening to others share their views, thoughts, experiences really helped me to decide how I felt. Many times I didn't agree with what was being said, but that also helped, because sometimes I didn't realise I didn't agree until I heard it. And that in itself gave me some answers. In a weird way you could see where someone else was emotionally, and determine if that was where you were too. At any rate this therapy stuff is like that.

The main idea is to explore our role in relationships. What position we take, why we always end up in dysfunctional ones, or why they don't work out...or why we resort to patterns of behaviour. That type of deal.

So far we have talked about something she called the  'ok corral' and what it means our sorta childhood roots were based in. I will summarize below but I am sure someone else will know more. Hopefully my notes make sense to someone and help.
I'm Ok, you're ok = healthy, happy, positive, optimistic outlook on life -- healthy childhood relationship
I'm not ok, you're ok = feeling 'dumb, inferior, strange, not right' compared to others -- she said it is shame based, I thought low confidence
I'm not ok, you're not ok = negative, pessimistic, depressive outlook on life -- based in hopelessness, I thought of my mother's victim mode
I'm Ok, you're not ok = distrusting and judging of others -- based in anger, Scales from bullying to 'holy crusading' a moral idea

As she talked I found that all of these sort of scale, sometimes more extreme than others. After BD I was in the hopelessness mode but not for long. In fact it is a place I have never really visited outside of BD. So for the most part I am in the I'm Ok, you're not ok stage. I am not so far gone as to scream at the man in front of me or bully someone. But I certainly distrust everyone until they prove otherwise. It is not something I say outright, and would never point it out to them. But.. trust for me has only been given a few times. And betrayed all times. And thus it becomes harder to give. At one stage I remember being in the 'I'm ok, you are ok' phase. For over a decade before BD. I think that is why I was happy. Even though everything in life wasn't perfect, I felt like it was, because I felt in a healthy place of trust. I had a husband who was my best friend and I could trust. Therefore there are good people out there. Therefore I could afford to trust others just a little bit more. The betrayal of trust by my husband and best friend...has now set me back into my default mode of 'I'm ok, you're not ok'. A default mode that was set when I was just a child and can't really be unset. You can learn to think differently, surround yourself with people that help you feel differently...but when $h!te hits the fan you will default to one of the above.

What I found interesting though is a lot of times we hear the MLCer is based in shame. They run away from conflict, they hide, they lie...because of shame. It is also interesting that many times I appear to be angry, I am in fact hurt. The anger hides the hurt.

We then went on to talk about the drama triangle with each of the three points being Victim, Persecutor and Rescuer. Again in my mind this would scale. There are different levels of Victimhood (a little pessimistic to the entire world is against me), Different levels of Persecutor (Opinionated to bullying), and rescuer (hero to enabler). When the drama triangle gets 'healthy' these change to vulnerable, Assertive, and Caring. When looking at both these triangles separately it is interesting to note that my default positions are Rescuer and Persecutor...and avoid the Victim at all costs. On the healthy triangle again I am Assertive and caring....and avoid vulnerable. So while avoiding being a victim is good in my mind, it also means I inadvertently avoid being vulnerable with people. Which of course links back to the trust from the previous session 'Im ok, you are not'. I don't feel I can trust people enough to be vulnerable with them, so I hide my emotions behind anger. Ok... that's good. Kinda knew that.

More interestingly though it also means I am likely to instantly distrust people and see things that aren't necessarily there. Automatically assuming the worst, not offering the benefit of the doubt. Because I am always looking for a reason to trust them, reasons to distrust stick out more. A kind of self fulfilling prophecy of sorts. I will say that this revelation is particularly prominent in my teenager years (understandable) and since BD. I don't think I felt like this while married. Well not until right before BD when I was getting reasons to. Yet now this default position has taken over and 'normal' people are all viewed as untrustworthy. And I am not sure how to fix that. Even though I can see it... doesn't mean you can change it.

At any rate now I am just waffling on about nonsense. Hopefully it helps someone or at least is an entertaining read with your morning coffee.

Today I have some work to do, then I am going to dye my daughter's hair. I was a bit conflicted about this because as their mom you like them the way they are, and don't want them to change their beautiful little self. But she really wants to do it, to express her individuality etc...and I don't want to be the mom to squash that either. So I have gone for a temporary 10 wash hair dye thing. That way she gets what she wants, it is safe for her, and if she hates it... well it will be gone in a few months. :)
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Beauty into Beast 18
#47: Today at 03:24:14 AM
Huge congrats to you, Morte  :)
And yes, well done for having the wisdom to balance your original target against reality lol. It was/is one hell of an achievement.....in fact maybe you should photocopy that certificate and make wallpaper  :)

Hmm, the Beast is still acting like a teenager deciding he doesn't like his paper round Saturday job, I see  ::) remarkable really how he can still find ways to f**k his own life up even more. Keep going, the sooner you can be financially independent the better imho. Let's hope Ms Skittles likes doing all the adulting and gets a better paid job  ???

And love, love, love the respect and wisdom and mother love in your decision to let your sassy girl choose (and learn) about her hair colour. Out of interest, what's the new colour? Pink, blue, firehouse red, platinum blonde...?
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Beauty into Beast 18
#48: Today at 04:28:54 AM
How nice to read about  so much positive achievement.  Many congratulations.

(Hmmm...I’m pretty sure I remember a photo of some shocking pink hair...like mother like daughter...? 😁
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Re: Beauty into Beast 18
#49: Today at 05:01:49 AM
Morte, as your second mother, I am so proud of you achieving your BS, like so, so, so proud! In fact, your accepting the second, is an additional achievement. We can't be perfect every day, it's not normal for anyone, even though sadly that is what your parents lead you to believe (mine, too). I challenge anyone to get a first with 3 kids, BD and the death of a parent. As you said, it's amazing you didn't give up.

Thank you for sharing your group therapy experience. It gave me food for thought. I am also very distrustful of others now, too trustful before, now I just can't trust anyone, just LBSes.

Nerissa, that is a good one! And if I remember something else, the pink hair matched a pink rug?
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OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

 

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