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Author Topic: My Story Reconnecting Working it out 24: Inhaling the future and exhaling the past

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Funny how self pity could also be clear-eyed acceptance and self-compassion with a different hat 🎩 and less baggage.... :)
Just a thought... ;)
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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M-42
H-44
S-20 (mine)
D-18 (ours)
S-15 (ours)
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17 (told me 4 days before)
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
New GF 2/29/20 (Told me 4/22/20)
Married her 4/24/20 (Told me 4/22/20)

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11618.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

N
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Funny how self pity could also be clear-eyed acceptance and self-compassion with a different hat 🎩 and less baggage.... :)
Just a thought... ;)

Yes - calling your feelings ‘self pity’ is denigrating them - pushing valid feelings away and making them unimportant.  Exactly what we people pleasers do, so it may be part of your ‘script’. 

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"Attachment is the great fabricator of illusions; reality can be attained only by someone who is detached."
Simone Weil
Bd: 03-2015

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I am very glad Song that you are sharing your journey. There are still several of us who continue to have struggles with what happened......and the similarities reassure me that I am not unusual or abnormal  :).

I have gone back to therapy for a bit anyway, and it's been very helpful and enlightening.

Your husband stayed at home, mine remained in sporadic contact...I don't know if I could go back if I would change that, but I do know that contact takes it's toil on us.

Barbie wrote:

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I do know that one of the most profound statements for me was a therapist who asked me " Why are you waiting for him to decide what is going to happen in YOUR life?". 

In my last therapy session I said " no one escapes pain in life. I had 55 really good years, and 11 really bad ones"..my therapist then asked me " so what do you want the future ones to be?

More work to do...and like you, I am tired of all this  and the crumbs he has thrown my way and still, still being affected by him.

I appreciate that you are writing about things Song, it helps all of us.
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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

S
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Funny how self pity could also be clear-eyed acceptance and self-compassion with a different hat 🎩 and less baggage.... :)
Just a thought... ;)

Oh Treasur - what a treasure you are.  Thank you for the reframe.  Sometimes so hard to do when it is a personal issue....
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BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 and still going with no sign of reconciliation.

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Funny how self pity could also be clear-eyed acceptance and self-compassion with a different hat 🎩 and less baggage.... :)
Just a thought... ;)

Oh Treasur - what a treasure you are.  Thank you for the reframe.  Sometimes so hard to do when it is a personal issue....

Ha ha, been there, got the t shirt lol
You're very welcome....sometimes we LBS can find it hard to be as honestly compassionate to ourselves as we try so hard to be with others eh? And we can see how appropriate it is for othet LBS but not ourselves.... ::)
Whatever you do next, whatever you did, whatever mistakes you think you made, whatever failings of character you think you have....you tried hard for a long time to do your very best, Song. To treat others with the kind of generosity, respect, acceptance and patience that you were rarely receiving in return.....as a human, as a spouse, as a parent. That is not nothing imho, that repeated effort to try to be a decent quality human treading as lightly as you can on others sore spots while trying to heal your own.

The winds change and draw us to a different direction or strategy over time perhaps....but trying so hard to be a decent human is not nothing, the world tbh needs a little more of it  :)
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

S
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I have always been a people pleaser. It stinks, because it becomes so ingrained in you that it is a DIFFICULT cycle to break. I can’t stand feeling like I have let someone down, which is probably why, my husband knows exactly how to use that against me when he is “just being honest” about my shortcomings.

Correct - the level of guilt in letting people down and then the feeling of martyrdom that then follows is most definitely people pleasing.  My H hasn't emotionally used this against me but I know he relies on it.  I know that he thinks S&D is reliable and therefore has "permission" to cycle without acknowledging or even being aware of any consequences. 

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I am very glad Song that you are sharing your journey. There are still several of us who continue to have struggles with what happened......and the similarities reassure me that I am not unusual or abnormal  :).

I have gone back to therapy for a bit anyway, and it's been very helpful and enlightening.

Thanks xy - I am contemplating calling my T up anyway.  She is so concise and her questions are so probing that I usually end up in tears because of the cathartic nature of the sessions.  I miss her and yet I also know what she would say " What makes you say/think/feel that." or "Help me to understand what exactly you are saying"   So until I can see her again I'm going to pose those questions to myself so that I can voice more precisely exactly what it is that has made me feel as though I'm spiralling down a little.
Funny how self pity could also be clear-eyed acceptance and self-compassion with a different hat 🎩 and less baggage.... :)
Just a thought... ;)

Yes - calling your feelings ‘self pity’ is denigrating them - pushing valid feelings away and making them unimportant.  Exactly what we people pleasers do, so it may be part of your ‘script’. 

And those are two really good points.  People pleasers automatically denigrate their own feelings through the lack of their self worth and yes LBSers do have their own script too just like MLCers - the only difference is that the moment we realise we are reciting script we learn to change a lot faster than MLCers (well most of us on here do).

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The stuff with your S is hard to bear, I know. One thing to remember is that he is still very young yet and not quite fully adult. Technically he’s adult and technically he gets to make his own choices how to “be” with others, but even aside from the fact of your parent status, as a human person and adult yourself, you get to decide whether you accept or engage with that, and how.
Terra I see where you are coming from and yet you are perhaps unaware that my S had to hold me up (we held each other a lot) at BD. He was 15 at the time and at a crucial stage in his schooling and it affected his GCSEs quite badly.  He started smoking and rebelling and he and H got into physical altercations a couple of times.  S also attempted suicide whilst he loved away from home at drama school but swore his friends to silence.  Not long after BD S threatened to kill H and I found him outside my room with a kitchen knife in his hand.  For the next few weeks , the knives were removed from the drawer.   All of this and much more are in my threads. 
The final thing that you may be unaware of is that S is addicted to mild drugs.  Half the time in his anger it is "withdrawal" and half the time it is his overwhelming desire to show me how much he hates the fact that H never left, that I didn't have the balls to kick him out  etc....and that he cannot understand the power of love.

He felt that he had to save me because I relied on him in the early days. His hero (his Dad) let him down very very badly.  My 2 Ds lived far away from home.  He was my rock and Yes I do feel guilty now that I did this to him.  So I converted him to my rescuer and that was the worst thing (in hindsight) I could have done and it is well known that rescuers can become persecutors.  This is on me and I cannot fix him but I can fix myself.

So whilst I'm not blaming myself for S's behaviour (his choices are on him and he acknowledges what one of his therapists said that he is symptomatic of  borderline and narcissistic personality disorders and ironically seems to revel in it which only confirms the narcissism), I have to develop the balls to grow so that he cannot affect me as much. I can understand and empathise all I like with his "condition" but I have to learn to detach and not take what he says quite so personally or defensively.

The one thing that keeps me going is that he does talk to his sisters and they assure me that he feels tremendous guilt when he rages and in fairness to him he will apologise but both my Ds agree and have explained to me that the next phase is on me to reconstruct my approach to him and to do it that it benefits me regardless of how it affects him.

I am bizarrely quite lucky to have these challenges which I can and will overcome because if I didn't how would I grow.  Inhaling the future and exhaling the past!


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BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 and still going with no sign of reconciliation.

M
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Whatever you do next, whatever you did, whatever mistakes you think you made, whatever failings of character you think you have....you tried hard for a long time to do your very best, Song. To treat others with the kind of generosity, respect, acceptance and patience that you were rarely receiving in return.....as a human, as a spouse, as a parent.

Wish there was a Heart "button" Love this quote.  And so true for all of us. 

S&D thank you for continuing to post and showing us that the world beyond reconciliation is not filled with unicorns and rainbows, although I wish it were.  Hugs and sending blessings along your way.
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BD and moved out 9/2017
M 30 years at BD, together 34

S
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  • Strength and honour are her clothing;
A little anecodote.

When H was seeing OW in 2013,he bought 10 little torches that her son was selling so that he could go on a trip with the organisation that had them made.  (sorry will not name the organisation so)

H brought them home.  I refused to have them in the house. And so they sat in his workshop - not my job to clean it or remove them. 

Yesterday H was searching for a little battery like a watch battery.  He found one and it was in one of the remaining torches.  He then said " I found one"
Me " Oh yes where"
H " In one of the torches that you refused to have in the house"

He remembered this?????   He remembered that I had done that.

Instantly my mind went to RCR's comment about how MLCers do pay attention, they do remember what we say or do and they do notice what goes on.  Not all of the time as we know that memories also get very blurred.  However he remembered this little moment in the OW history.
My reply " Cool - well they had some use after all!"

Fascinating but newbies reading this - I can confirm that small though this is - how you behave and respond in the early days really does matter.  The calmer you are, the firmer you are and the boundaries you set do help.

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BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 and still going with no sign of reconciliation.

 

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