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Author Topic: My Story Reconnecting Working it out 24: Inhaling the future and exhaling the past

S
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Quick update
H has been more attentive and done quite a few jobs around the house.  We have had discussions about money and he has understood the dilemma we are in financially - nothing serious but nothing that a little more income wouldn't help.

There were double family celebrations this past weekend and H was present much of the time and there was little attempt to turn the conversation into being about him or his needs.  Bit of a shift there.

In terms of the pursuit and distance dance (and yes it still happens in reconnection) he is in a pursuit phase.  I am aware of this and not distancing per se but keeping calm and neutral - seizing good moments for sensible talking and also leaving him be.

However something amusing (well to me) at the end of the week.  H had lost his glasses which he needs for much of the time now. At first the conspiracy theory emerged and then he calmed down.  I repeated the well worn phrase "retrace your steps".  He moaned at it but actually did so appearing with his glasses about 10 mins later.

Two days later it's his phone.  I ring it and he still can't find it.  So he disappears off in a bit of a huff, reappears 5 mins later with phone saying " This retracing your steps thing works doesn't it."  ::) ::) ::) ;D ;D ;D

So no fixing from me and H has grown up a little more.

However something went click in my head yesterday.  I took the dogs for a new walk and realised that I had done this walk several years before but not since.  At first I thought - how did I forget this walk and is there something wrong with my memory.  Then I thought back.  The last time I went on this walk was not long after BD and not long before we lost one of our dogs to cancer.  I had clearly blotted out this walk as part of my memory of the shock and distress I had at the time.  How weird.  Got me thinking though about how memory can be and probably is, suppressed through shock, pain and grief. It's not so much PTSD as shutting down that part of the brain to protect oneself.

When I realised the connection with the walk and the past events, I began to feel free.  I realised that I am well on the way to being healed and that I am more detached than I had given myself credit for and I began to feel that the original me, the one before I met H, the me that fell in love with H and the me that enjoyed life to its fullest seizing every opportunity is coming back and coming back at a stronger level.

I slept very little last night, brain wasn't busy but couldn't sleep.  This morning as I write, I feel a slight shift in me.  Can't put my finger on it but I feel as though I have more purpose and more energy.  Hmmm Interesting!!

 
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BD march 2013
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OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 and still going with no sign of reconciliation.

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It's not so much PTSD as shutting down that part of the brain to protect oneself.

Imho, that's inherently what PTSD does....or if we remove the label, a standard bit of how our brains respond to traumatic experiences.
Like you, I have also found over the last few months that more of my memories are reappearing. But without the whack of emotion. And it feels like a rather interesting and sustaining bit of repair to my core self when they do.
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

S
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Update and recommendation - questions welcome.

My oldest D came for a visit at the weekend. Owing to an incident in her life 2 years ago she has been on a journey of self discovery.  Add to that everything she has learned with me over the last 7 years, she has really learned how to change and develop her thinking.

She mentioned a programme of short video lectures called Rewired by Dr Joe Dispenza about how the brain functions and how you can change your thinking. 

I watched the first 2 episodes last night and it is absolutely fab.  He talks about the process of change in your head to start to achieve what you want.  Now what he says is technically nothing new - I've read Zig Ziglar, Napoleon Hill, Jack Canfield etc etc etc over years before I even knew about MLC ; I've done some basic training in CBT and NLP with Richard Bandler and Paul Mckenna, I've done a couple of simple online  level 2 psychology diplomas. I've learned to meditate and become much more mindful.
However this series and the simplicity of his explanations has started to pull my mental jigsaw of all the above together at last.

It is available on an app/channel called Gaia or through Amazon Prime video in the UK. 
https://www.gaia.com/lp/rewired?utm_source=google+paid&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=1-INTL-ENGLISH-DISPENZA&utm_term=rewired%20joe%20dispenza&utm_content=joe-dispenza&ch=br&gclid=Cj0KCQjw7ZL6BRCmARIsAH6XFDJtrOIfNSh7Dz-rntLXOnJVYI_QpeQZ_GOc_wqXR-joUZv5QdnbBXQaAuwOEALw_wcB

It is a must for all LBSers who now want to start feeling better and move forward with their lives creating and being their own change.

Suffice to say - I'm hooked and eager to recommend it.  I also feel quite excited that at last I am going to change at a deeper level and develop a newer future for myself regardless of who that involves.
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BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 and still going with no sign of reconciliation.

b
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Quote
e mentioned a programme of short video lectures called Rewired by Dr Joe Dispenza about how the brain functions and how you can change your thinkin
.

Honestly, this is just the most amazing thing !  I have never heard of this guy and in the past 12 hours I have been told about him twice. I went for coffee in the park last night with my sister and she brought this Joe Dispenza up on her phone and went on and on about him and what he believes can happen. The link you posted is exactly what she sent to me this morning ! How incredible is that ??  I will spend some time with Joe Dispenza I think! . Thanks Song!
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Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

S
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You're very welcome Barbie.  He is a scientist and Dr of Biology or some ology like that.  He talks about it in a scientific way but it has really reached my emotional need to grasp the logic of what he says. 

He talks about trauma and how we relive our memories and how we technically keep ourselves locked in the past even if we believe we are moving forward.

His videos are about 25 mins long and it's a kind of series in which you take on board as much as you can muster.

I'll be interested to see what you think.
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BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 and still going with no sign of reconciliation.

S
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Putting this on here as I think I may have upset a few people from what I have written on Barbie's thread.  And so it would be unfair of me to develop any further discussion on her thread when Barbie agrees with HB's comments.

It is to do with my argument that I disagree with HB's statement that it is the LBSer's responsibility to regain the respect of the MLCer.
I put on Barbie's thread my reasoning why.

However my second reasoning that MLC is  depression

Depressed people don't lose respect, they just don't feel anything but their own pain and so by dint of that pain show seeming disrespect of everything or everyone they know and love.

My second D is really struggling today with her depression and shows little respect for our conversation - is it because she has lost respect for me? - No she has lost respect for herself, life and is wrapped up in her own pain. It matters little what I might say to her today - that doesn't mean she doesn't respect me.  It means that she is unable to show it because she is really low and that is human.  If she showed respect for everything I say or do irrespective of her feelings - I have created a clone or she fears me and that is not healthy.

I also suggest  that perhaps an MLCer returns because they do respect the LBSer.  They seek their guidance and support and those who commit to the marriage and agree to go to counselling etc.. are showing respect for the LBS otherwise they wouldn't do it.  Their actions during replay are disrespectful  - absolutely and inexcusable.  It is also them showing incredibly little respect for themselves but depression does that. 
They are also hugely guilty and those feelings of guilt can create fear.

I know - it is well documented that I had a very brief fling over 23 years ago and I grovelled at H's feet. NO excuse. I was struggling at the time with reactive grief following the loss of my dad.  I grovelled when found out and H played on that. He held my feet to the fire for a long time, he was tough and I knew that I wanted the marriage but he held onto that grudge for some time.  I changed my behaviour to one of thinking what does H want and how not to upset H. I sought his approval on everything - he became my world.  And so I lost my self respect for a while and then ultimately feared him rather than respected him as one individual to another. Guilt played a huge part here and lasted many years.

It took a session with my T to resolve my guilt on this and also to realise how H had manipulated me.

Treasur and Barbie argued that self respect and respect for others are different things - yes they are but they are linked.  If you have sufficient self respect then you know what it means to show others respect.  If you are in fear or lacking self respect then you are fearful of others. 

HB's comment about "stay and you respect me " sounds like (note I say sound like) a threat to me and appears to borne out of a need to be respected the way a sergeant major demands respect from cadets.

I left my job after 4 years of being bullied by my head - who expected respect from me but clearly couldn't show me the same. It was not a healthy situation.  Interestingly I learned from the deputy head that my boss on reading my resignation letter, admitted to the deputy head that she was surprised at my strength and my self belief. 

Now of course that wasn't a relationship that had at its core betrayal in an affair sense but respect cannot be earned through commands

Am I saying that an MLCer shouldn't have their feet held to the fire and deny the affair ever happened and that they are not accountable - absolutely not.   That in essence is the LBSer showing self respect, thereby allowing the MLCer to respect them.

What I am against is my perceived concept from HB's words that the LBS says to the MLCer - You WILL respect me or else.  And The LBS taking responsibility for making sure the MLCer respects her.   

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Reconnection started 2017 and still going with no sign of reconciliation.

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As I said on the other thread, I had misinterpreted your meaning so it was helpful that you took the time to clarify it. Also tbh I don't think that upsetting others who may see things differently is necessarily unhelpful. I have learned a lot from taking a moment to look through someone else's lens. And to be reminded....as you say here about depression...of some of the basic realities of some things which affect us personally but are not about us personally. Even though the effects feel like it. Thank you for reminding me today of the inherent nature of depression and how that loss of self-value can skew our perspective.  :) And it is certainly true that PTSD skewed mine for a good while although that was never my goal or intention  :) And that an explanation is not an excuse, just an explanation that may help us reframe how we interpret something that feels like a lack of respect while not removing our need to respond to a situation in a way which honours our healthy self-respect. And that regaining that if we lost it is solely our responsibility as LBS regardless of what others do.

There was a reason why I needed this reminder today, so thank you very much for it, Song.
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« Last Edit: August 26, 2020, 03:30:31 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

A
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Interesting discussion.  Thanks, ladies!

Here is my take in regards to respect from MLCer or any other human being:

I cannot demand, obligate or make another person to respect me.  Or love me.  I am not a mind-smith.  No one has that kind of power.  So, I agree fully that it is not LBS’s responsibility to generate ‘respect’ in MLCer’s heart. 

‘Respect me or else’ is a threat, in my view.  Bullying.  Fear mongering, even.

However, I can absolutely demand respectFUL behaviour from others, particularly persons In my inner circle, by drawing simple, unambiguous and enforceable boundaries.   

Just my 2 cents’ worth.  :)
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« Last Edit: August 26, 2020, 07:01:11 AM by Acorn »
My first thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8164.150

My reconnecting thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10524.msg699615#msg699615

Live-in MLCer

Feb 2015: BD. 
Oct 2015: ILYBINILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

S
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However, I can absolutely demand respectFUL behaviour from others, particularly persons In my inner circle, by drawing simple, unambiguous and enforceable boundaries. 

Exactly and this is why I disagree with some of HB's comments   "If you stay - you will respect me"

Respect is earned and it is easy to earn respect when you behave and respond in such a way that others want to follow and be part of.
It is easy to earn respect when you don't insist on it but you show them how they can respect you.
It is easy to earn respect by being whole, full of  non egotistical self belief, truthful to yourself and clear in your actions and behaviour.



 
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BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 and still going with no sign of reconciliation.

S
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Quick update.

I was feeling very stressed this morning.  Several things just piled on top of me.

H asked if I was ok and I said no.  And for the first time in ages I just vented to him.  The difference - he sat, listened and supported me.  There was no Mr fix it or no Mr I'm too busy to pay attention to you or no  Mr it's your problem and I don't care so deal with it. There was also no Mr Sympathy either.   

He showed empathy for the first time in ages.

There was my H - the one I first knew over 33 yrs ago.   

I vented - we talked together about what could be done and all felt very normal again.

7.5 yrs on and there is a genuine moment of reconnection more so than any other.  It was nice.

That's it.



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BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 and still going with no sign of reconciliation.

 

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