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Author Topic: My Story Reconnecting Working it out 24: Inhaling the future and exhaling the past

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I'm so sorry for your loss Song.  I lost my beloved dog Feb of '19.  I had to make the decision to put him to sleep as well, and it was one of the hardest things.  He is deeply missed.

Take good care of yourself.  A beloved pet is just like a family member.  (((HUGS)))
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M-42
H-44
S-20 (mine)
D-18 (ours)
S-15 (ours)
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17 (told me 4 days before)
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
New GF 2/29/20 (Told me 4/22/20)
Married her 4/24/20 (Told me 4/22/20)

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11618.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

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S&D -
Also sorry for your loss.
Tough to lose a pet, even when you know that they're in a better place...
Hugs,
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Seahorses have one mate for life...

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Not one (healthy) LBS here would judge your decision to now separate from these things that surround you, Song. Not one. Many of us know that feeling of tired when the word tired does not even begin to describe it. And that overwhelming longing for peace.

We will be here to support you as you move forward to a place that feels more peaceful, cheering you on (peacefully  :) )

I am so sorry about the loss of your lovely dog. I am so sorry about the toll of living with these two troubled angry souls who are unable or unwilling to treat you with the care and respect you deserve.
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

S
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And so I had hoped to journal about the shift in both S and H after the death of our beloved dog...(whose presence in the house is sorely missed and it's as if the energy has gone from the house; it's now just bricks and mortar)

However I am unable to journal because of an almighty show down between S and H last night. It was ugly.

S was venting rather loudly about his frustrations with his music (he has released some singles but the online distributors are not accepting his new songs) and I went into active listening mode.   After 3 mins or so H interrupted and told S to contact the experts online as there would be someone to help.  S didn't like that and firmly asked H not to get involved as he was just venting to me.  H persisted (red rag to bull syndrome) and S repeated his request but this time a little more angrily.
I asked H not to get involved as S was just venting and that he would be able to resolve it.....

But H wanted now to prove he was right and all hell broke loose......  After two minutes of arguing very loudly, they then both squared upto each other - I was gobsmacked.  H produced a fist, threatening S and S swung at him.  I jumped straight in and
pushed them both apart saying/quietly screaming and close to tears " Don't you dare" to both of them.

It continued and I had to keep pushing H away (and he's a strong man) whilst also turning to S to tell him to stop.  I saw such rage in H's eyes - such rage.  It got worse - H called S horrible names including " a waste of space"  " a nothing"  " no son of mine " etc....... S rebuked in similar fashion with neither of them hearing me saying " Stop" repeatedly.  H told S to get out of the house and S told H to do the same but in much more colourful language.
H sat down and S then told H why he was angry - he called H out on his cheating, what it did to me and the family, along with a previous time where H had assaulted S arguing over the dog!

Eventually H pulled away and S disappeared.

I went quiet, packed my stuff for work. H turned to me and said " I'm sorry for my part in this S&D"
I said " Thank you but it's meaningless.  You have no right to call S those horrible names and you had no right to behave the way you did. You both placed me in the middle of the situation and you will never do that again - ever. " 
H reacted and said " Ok don't get so het up"

Me - " This is not what I expect from a grown man, an adult.  This is not what fathers do to their sons."  and walked away.
I retreat to my room

10 mins later S tells me he's going to stay wth friends for a few days.

5 mins after that H tells me that he's going away and he "won't be back" 
IN the back of my head though I wanted to say " Nah H - you're a clinger of the highest order - you'll be back"  but I didn't.  I just acknowledged it and said that S was going away too.  He shrugged and repeated " I won't be back". I shrugged back.

Texting my Ds and sister ensued with all of them horrified but equally sure that nothing will resolve itself until the house is sold.

I hate this - I hate MLC and I hate the fact that the only way I can have an attempt at peace is to sell the house I so love...but I have to balance that up with the fact that if I want H and S to reconcile at some point and I do, they have to be apart and for a long time and they both need help to resolve their feelings......


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BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 and still going with no sign of reconciliation.

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I'm so sorry, Song. That sounds awful for you. And maybe them.

I'm sure you have considered it, but is there any way you can keep the house but legally prevent both of them from living there bc of this kind of violence? (Awful as I am sure it feels to even have to think about legal recourse.) even if it is just for a while, a few months? (If they both fled the scene, it does sound as if each of them does have someplace else to go?)

Out of interest, what do you think would have happened if you had not stepped in between them? If you had walked away and let them do whatever they were going to do, perhaps calling the police if it looked like either might be seriously hurt? Have you sought some objective legal advice or even guidance from a domestic violence or addiction or mental health support organisation (even if the violence, I think?, is not aimed directly at you, it's still a kind of domestic violence in your home isn't it? And did I remember right that your son has/had addiction and/or depression issues?)

And bc (understandably) you long for your h and son to reconcile their differences, does that pull you a bit into some kind of trying to fix or prevent it getting worse? (While both seem apparently not over concerned about your feelings, or not concerned enough to take responsibility for managing their own behaviour anyway) I just ask in case your brain unintentionally (and we've probably all done it) is creating a kind of logic chain that says 'the only way to fix this is for them to be apart....and they won't leave....ergo the only way to fix this is to sell the house that I love to force them both out and away from each other'. A kind of sacrifice without an outcome you can control perhaps? (Which imho is a slightly different goal from deciding to do it to remove yourself from this awful insane pattern if that makes sense bc you can control that?)

But most of all, I'm just so sorry that you are trying to live around this kind of drama x
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« Last Edit: December 04, 2020, 02:59:33 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Song,

I’m so sorry that things escalated between H and S to this level. It’s scary, heartbreaking, and represents so much hidden pain, anger, and fear.
I’m grateful you weren’t harmed when you stepped between.

I think the distance will be best for all of you at this time. S & H will hopefully begin to diffuse what they feel when their heads clear.
I suspect H was seeking from you the encouragement for him to stay. I think it’s good you didn’t provide that to him after this event.

Song, the important piece is this is about what’s best for your heart, healing and over wellbeing. I’m so sorry for the sadness in losing the home you love dearly. It a bitter pill to swallow for something that never started with you.

Hugs and may you find some much needed peace,
Believer
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S
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I'm so sorry, Song. That sounds awful for you. And maybe them.

I'm sure you have considered it, but is there any way you can keep the house but legally prevent both of them from living there bc of this kind of violence? (Awful as I am sure it feels to even have to think about legal recourse.) even if it is just for a while, a few months? (If they both fled the scene, it does sound as if each of them does have someplace else to go?)
H has somewhere else to go but S is going to his friends over 250 miles away and all his friends round here are married with young children....

Out of interest, what do you think would have happened if you had not stepped in between them? If you had walked away and let them do whatever they were going to do, perhaps calling the police if it looked like either might be seriously hurt? Have you sought some objective legal advice or even guidance from a domestic violence or addiction or mental health support organisation (even if the violence, I think?, is not aimed directly at you, it's still a kind of domestic violence in your home isn't it? And did I remember right that your son has/had addiction and/or depression issues?)
TBH - I did think just before the fracas that they ought to slug it out - simply because the shock and shame by doing this in front of me would be the best for both of them.

And bc (understandably) you long for your h and son to reconcile their differences, does that pull you a bit into some kind of trying to fix or prevent it getting worse? (While both seem apparently not over concerned about your feelings, or not concerned enough to take responsibility for managing their own behaviour anyway) I just ask in case your brain unintentionally (and we've probably all done it) is creating a kind of logic chain that says 'the only way to fix this is for them to be apart....and they won't leave....ergo the only way to fix this is to sell the house that I love to force them both out and away from each other'. A kind of sacrifice without an outcome you can control perhaps? (Which imho is a slightly different goal from deciding to do it to remove yourself from this awful insane pattern if that makes sense bc you can control that?)
I understand what you are saying - fixer is now from my mind - preserving sanity and emotional well being is far more important to me and if that means a forced sale of the house so be it.  H is joint and co-owner with me. I cannot afford to buy him out and S has nowhere else to go and I intended to use a little of the capital from the house sale to pay for a 6 month's rent for S to live somewhere on his own.

But most of all, I'm just so sorry that you are trying to live around this kind of drama x

Quote
I’m grateful you weren’t harmed when you stepped between.
Does it seem logical when I say that I knew I wouldn't be harmed by stepping inbetween. Despite their anger with each other it still seemed the ok thing to do.


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BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 and still going with no sign of reconciliation.

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Ah Song, what a mess. I am so sorry  :'(

The level of physical threat seems to be high....please keep yourself safe!

I don't know what else to say Song, I can't imagine how this feels, especially after losing your dog, COVID, the holidays...you mentioned the home that you love...is there anyway that you can keep your home?

I was fortunate, in spite of the fact that staying in the US right now doesn't allow me to see my daughter, but the home I am in, the neighborhood has helped me...yet perhaps a fresh start would also have helped me...and now I am "afraid" to move somewhere else, to start over again..there are pros and cons to both.

Just wanted to say I am thinking about you today.

(((HUGS))))


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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

b
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I am sorry to read that . I cannot begin to imagine things escalating to physical threats , I just would be paralyzed by it I am sure. I could not take it. Its best everyone is physically apart until something far better is in place to prevent this from ever happening again.  I wonder if your son and H should have been in some sort of counselling over the past several years and this may have not escalated to this ?  I just really have no idea...but coming from a huge family of females , I cannot begin to even imagine how physical threat could be handled. Awful . Its good ( for now) that everyone creating distance , even though that can not be the permanent solution. What a mess . And YES ...I also HATE MLC with everything in me .
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Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

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  • How I long for your precepts! Psalm 119:40
Oh Song,

I am so sorry that it came to this. I think something similar would literally kill me  :'(

I am so avoidant of conflict, verbal violence, I can't imagine the threat of physical violence and it is not fear of my being hurt. It is a fear of broken, unfixable bonds.

I hope you are feeling safe in your house at the moment. At least the drama has moved out.

Sending you hugs (covid free  ;)  - socially distanced) and I hope you can find a solution that works for all of you at the present moment.

I wonder if your h. can see his own immaturity   ???



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M 59
H 59
S 28
D 25
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

 

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