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Author Topic: My Story Roads with Forks and never ending decisions.

M
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My Story Re: Roads with Forks and never ending decisions.
#10: July 10, 2020, 01:35:22 AM
Hi Anon, I've read your post with great interest. I'm very happy for you that you've come to a decision about how you wish to go forward. I suspect it is true, the fear of feeling that BD pain again, but I have faith that it won't ever be as bad as BD, especially because this time, you are getting to make the decision. I feel that one of the hard parts of BD is the complete lack of participation in our spouse's decision to destroy the marriage and blow up our lives. Taking the lead as you would, will surely help you push through the lingering pain and withdrawal. After all, your aim is to reach a happier place at the end.

Sending you lots of strength to keep working with your therapist and to sort out the house issues.x
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

R
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Roads with Forks and never ending decisions.
#11: July 10, 2020, 05:58:58 AM
Anon,

Your post hit home on so many levels for me.  I felt and did the exact same thing.  My X is also involved with a very disordered OW who did this at least 2 times with other men.  It is extremely hard for them to walk away from these women. I also chose Option A and even though it was sad and hard I am much more happier and at peace.  I no longer feel that I'm walking around with this albatross around my neck waiting as the minutes, weeks, months, years tick by that he is going to come out and want to return.  Should that day come I'll cross that bridge then. 

On the issue with your H stopping the conversations about selling the homes, do you think it's possible he too is procrastinating for the exact same reason (he's in his own pain and can't bear more)?  Just a thought. 

Anyways, I've followed your story and will continue to but for what it's worth you sound like a strong person and I have no doubt you will be fine with whatever decision you choose. 
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3
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Roads with Forks and never ending decisions.
#12: July 10, 2020, 05:27:28 PM
Wow Anon, congratulations on your big decision. Brave. Stepping into your own power is quite satisfying. Wishing you all the best and I can’t wait for future updates.

3Boys
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BD End of April 2017
Moved out - kind of, May 2017
Denied affair
Cycled hard April - Oct 2017, my son figured out affair, I confronted husband, we were going away as a family for the weekend - H monsters hard and files for a D end of Oct, 2017
D final Sept 2018
Many touch and goes
He lives in monster, kids haven’t been with him overnight since Jan 2019
Moved in with MOW, a former friend of mine, May 2019

N
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Roads with Forks and never ending decisions.
#13: July 11, 2020, 07:47:27 AM
I identify strongly with your difficulty in cutting the final thread and think you have been very honest with yourself and courageous in consulting with your psychologist.

It seems a pro-you’ choice and gives you an opportunity to for us in yourself properly. 

Life is long and changes all the time.  Who knows what will happen? And if H one day matured enough to ask to talk to you properly, you may, if it suits you,  have connection, but of a more mature and satisfying quality.  All the best x
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M
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Re: Roads with Forks and never ending decisions.
#14: July 11, 2020, 03:53:01 PM
Nerissa, you always make such wise comments. Anon, I support whatever decision you make. I don't think it will be easy either way.
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

K
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Roads with Forks and never ending decisions.
#15: July 11, 2020, 06:52:04 PM
I agree Anon. Sometimes I think the only thing keeping me "stuck" is his constant clinger-ish tenancies that reel me in time after time. Certainly conversations like you have with you H would keep me there.  So I get it. And your decision is giving me strength. B/c Maybe that is what I need to do too. To move forward. B/c maybe, as Nerissa says, he may come back a totally different person and things will be different./ But for now. it is not good. It is pain. Constant pain. Cutting the cord may be in order.

We never know what tomorrow holds. All we can do is live for today as good, decent humans. God has a plan for us. You are such an amazing person. Your H knows this. Otherwise he would not be communicating with you now. But you have to do what you have to do for YOU.

Hugs friend. Thank you for being such an inspiration.
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Me 49
H 47
S13
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

A
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Roads with Forks and never ending decisions.
#16: July 11, 2020, 07:16:44 PM
Milly, Nerissa, 3Boys, RO, Treasur....Thank you for your encouragement and support!   I will need it going forward as I found out yesterday and a bit today.   I cried some but also realized this is the grief my stand has suppressed until now.  So I just let it flow, knowing it will come and I knowing I will cry, and eventually it will just not come anymore.  Standing gave me a lot of peace.  The belief he will come back one day supported my Stand.  I didn't realize how my Stand and the hope that comes with it was preventing me from moving toward the necessary grief I must work through if I am to truly recover.   The grief hit me hard once I was firm in my decision to go Option A.  My IC warned me this would happen and it makes sense that it would too.   It's the grief and it's also the fear of facing the grief.   I need to deal with both. 

Moving toward cutting these remaining ties - just thinking about it upsets me.   But still.... I really don't want him back, nor can I visualize a reconciliation actually working out.   I wouldn't want him to touch me,,, never mind kiss me,,, etc,,,   I can't imagine the counseling it would take to fix this enough for my trust to ever return.   God would have to work an amazing miracle in me for that to happen.  And tbh,,, I don't think he has a return in mind for me and pretty sure my h doesn't have that in mind either.   So that makes 3 of us.  Whatever God brings next into my life, it will be good,,,, and better than I can imagine.   I trust enough to believe that's true. 

So upset or not,,,, I"ll just take what's next in small bites as I can handle it.    My IC recommended a book called 'Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Fails".   It's an average 4.75/ 5 of the reviews.    It's a book that does encourage recovery work in small bites.

On the practical side... I have still heard nothing from h regarding selling the houses.   I'm not pushing atm because this is a grief of a different kind I will face.   Leaving my home,,, knowing I will never live in such a perfect place for me and my cat again.   My cat goes outside and mostly hangs out on my porch in his carrier (with door removed).   But he will also roam a bit - visit and antagonize the neighbors cat, cross the street taking his sweet time.   It's hard finding a rental that beats this home,,, not at a price I can afford anyway.   I might still move into our rental house and buy him out but my financial guy says I would do so much better if I choose to rent instead of own.   I am seriously considering his advice because going forward I want to have enough money to live as I choose.   My home equity, if invested into a fund that pays me monthly if I rent, will allow me to live as I choose.   If I stay in the rental house.... I would have much less/mo.   The only problem with this plan is it's very tough to find a rental that is anywhere comparable to my current home or that is safe enough for my cat.   It will be a major adjustment and not one I'm looking forward to.   As soon as h agrees (for the millionth time) to sell the house, it will be listed.    Even though he walked away from our life,, he seems to have trouble walking away from our house which he hasn't lived in for 3 years. 

Ok,,, time to go read some threads and get caught up.   Thanks again to all who support me and who read my thread.








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"This too shall pass.  It might pass like a kidney stone but it will pass."
"Don’t blame a clown for acting like a clown.  Instead, ask yourself why you keep going to the circus."

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Roads with Forks and never ending decisions.
#17: July 11, 2020, 07:35:56 PM
Takes a lot of courage to do what you're doing Anon. Very admirable.

Most people will take the easier of two roads (or the perceived easier of two roads). I think it's always the right thing to run at pain and embrace it: it's the only way to conqueror it.

-SS
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M - 43
Together 25 years, M 22
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

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Roads with Forks and never ending decisions.
#18: July 11, 2020, 07:51:22 PM
Here is a thought for you to take forward with you: Taking care of you means that no matter what happens, or where everything and everyone ends up, you will be ok with yourself.

My theory has always been that I was going to stand until the divorce (or I found and OW), and my stand ended at the divorce. However, for me, should XH EVER appear on my doorstep with genuine remorse ( the the imitation kind), I would cross that bridge when I got there. What this did for me was allow me to understand that I don't have to say "His coming back is never going to happen" to move forward. I can say "It's ok if it never happens and if it did, that isn't going to change who me is either."

You are wise for determining what YOU need to move forward. That doesn't make it any less scary or easier to deal with, but it sounds like you are ready to deal with the fear and the grief now. six months ago, you probably weren't.

As to your cat,  when I moved many years ago, and the home I was leaving was the only home my cat had known and this new home was not as pet friendly, oddly enough my cat stuck to the back yard. She didn't wander to the dangerous front yard. I can hope that wherever you end up, your cat is just as smart. :)
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A
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Roads with Forks and never ending decisions.
#19: July 11, 2020, 08:25:31 PM
KIT, Standing, OR....

KIT... I had drafted what I thought was a helpful response to your post.   Well thought out, and all that, then I lost it.   Ugh.... Started again although the 2nd draft is never quite as good as the first one,, at least not for me.    It was done and ready to go and I did it again and it too was GONE.    Maybe I should either drink Pinot Grigio or post on HS,,, but not both at the same time.   :-\     I will make another attempt tomorrow, on Pages first then cut/paste to HS.  I've never lost anything on Pages before.   I'm done with losing my posts on HS!  Going back/forward didn't help this time either.   

Standing and OR... thanks for your posts!  I'll work on my reply tomorrow as well.   ::)   
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"This too shall pass.  It might pass like a kidney stone but it will pass."
"Don’t blame a clown for acting like a clown.  Instead, ask yourself why you keep going to the circus."

 

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