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Author Topic: My Story Roads with Forks and never ending decisions.

A
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My Story Roads with Forks and never ending decisions.
#30: July 20, 2020, 07:53:10 PM
I had an interesting conversation with h today.   He was here doing the heavy lifting to get our house staged and ready to sell at the end of the week.   

The jist of the conversation was that he wants a clean break from any legal obligation or any official ties to me.  He wants to start over,,,and clean from any ties.   It's the tail end of a month long 180 from what he has been for the last 3 years which is a close contacter, boomerang, and maybe even a clinging boomerang.   That has all changed in this last month.   He went from a guy who contacted me 2-3 times a week when he wasn't in ow land to not much contact at all.   What's it mean?   I dunno but it makes Option A easier to follow because I don't feel any pull back coming my way from him at all. 

I told him ok,,,, I get that.   I think it also means he doesn't want any connections of any kind, and told him that.   He denied it but not very forcefully.   I was surprised at first, maybe feeling a bit dumped all over again but not in an extreme way like BD.   Our conversation has just been so stilted lately as well.   I would rather not bother talking tbh and will be happy not to after we have severed all legal and personal ties.   

I can't help but wonder if he hasn't entered a new and darker stage of the tunnel.   Where I become truly invisible to him and he goes way deep into MLC.  It's either that or my other theory,,, he is marrying ow as soon as he is a free and unencumbered man with no shackles to his former life with me.   And he's become so quiet and withdrawn with me because he just doesn't want to tell me any of these new plans of his.

Why am I even wondering?  After following him go through MLC (replay) for the last 3 years and seeing changes in him within that time,, well now I'm mostly just curious how this will play out with him even though I will not have any opportunities to really watch after our divorce.   The rest of why I am wondering what's going on?  It does hurt just a wee bit,,, especially if I hear by this time next year he is married to ow. 

At times his MLC really doesn't seem like a MLC.  Many symptoms of course but also many unchecked boxes.   Like,,, he has never tried to return home, nor have I ever had what I would call a touch and go.  If anything, the last 3 years it's just been a gradual decline of any and all love or affection he had for me.   Now it feels like he doesn't even like me.   And that's okay,,, I'm not falling apart about it.   Glad I chose Plan A awhile back.   If I hadn't, this latest 'dark' attitude from him would be more than a little devastating, I think.

 
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#31: July 21, 2020, 08:51:08 AM

The jist of the conversation was that he wants a clean break from any legal obligation or any official ties to me.  He wants to start over,,,and clean from any ties.   

This is pretty standard out the MLC playbook Anon. Though mine has never articulated this, I can see it in his actions for sure. As you know, my H was very high contact until beginning of June which culminated in him professing his desire to return. The very next day he went low low contact. And eventually nothing. He hasn't been around to see S in weeks, whereas he was here twice a day, playing video games and B-Ball with him before. If that is not the definition of crazy, I don't know what is. Maybe he is recommitting himself to his new life, which I believe they do. Another way to find peace and a way out of their darkness.  It never works but is just another way to escape and avoid, which by now they are masters at.

My H is a full year ahead of yours, but I do recall seeing this withdrawal occur pretty much throughout that entire year (year 3). Also, that followed a pretty massive T&G. A lot of things at play--their own journey through darkness and issues for one. And a needy insecure and controlling OW only exacerbates the issue.

In an earlier post you were lamenting about your H's reaction (or rather non-reaction) to your decision. I felt every bit of that. Even though we don't have too much faith they will be a human being in that scenario, we are in fact human and this is the person we have spent a good part of our lives devoted to. Your H going stoic on you and wanting to speed up the process tells me he wants the pain to stop. And he thinks it will as soon as the paper is signed.  It may. But most likely will not. B/c, well, MLC.

You are so thoughtful and contemplative in your decision making. You do a great job. And you know what you must do to move forward. And are brave enough to do it. But just b/c you made the decision, and there is some relief in and of itself in making the decision, know that there will still be sadness and mourning to come. Because you are such a kind, compassionate, loving and beautiful soul. And also expect he will boomerang right back at you eventually. But now we know what that is all about. Certainly not us.

Keep doing what you are doing my friend. I am so amazed and inspired by you.
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Re: Roads with Forks and never ending decisions.
#32: July 21, 2020, 02:50:28 PM
Anon, I do believe your H saying he wants this clean break is part of the process. As Kit said, they usually go deeper around this time. My H certainly did, and it was right after a few months of getting closer and him asking to move back home, albeit as a room mate. Your H could marry OW while in the midst of this deeper stage, although most don't. It does seem that when they go into the deeper stage, they have to please the OW more. Whereas up until then, they still had some boundaries with the OW, when this deeper stage comes calling, our Hs turn to jelly. It's possible that as your H got closer and began to think (as Kit's did, too), he spooked himself as he realized that he would have to face his issues, and he's just not ready to so. So the controlling OW turning up right then, manages to draw our Hs right back into the tunnel. The spooky moment is so fresh and hard for the MLCer, that he's willing to do whatever it takes to avoid getting to that place.

I'm so glad you'd opted for plan A before this. There is some comfort in being the one to have made the decision to break away. It still hurts, of course, but at least there is some pride left.

BUt as you say, this cold break your H is asking of you, helps you to move on with your plan A. I like how you find a positive in this new information. Perhaps it's a sign that you are on the right track.
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Roads with Forks and never ending decisions.
#33: July 23, 2020, 06:04:59 AM
Anon, continuing to follow along.  I so appreciate that you have been able to articulate your thoughts on plan A and plan B as I wonder as much about my own options.  Thank you for sharing. 

Mine has spoken about a clean break as well--what I find interesting in your situation is that for someone who wants a clean break, he is still in your presence quite frequently.  If "he did not even like you" he would not be by your side cleaning up and taking care of things.  I think they detach from themselves and from all emotions. I do not understand where their inner pain comes from.  Yet, deep inside, they somehow remember.  But, that is neither here nor there.  Now, it is all about what is best for you--my timeline is similar to yours. 
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#34: July 23, 2020, 09:59:56 PM
Milly, KIT, Maleficent....  thank you all for following and commenting.   Kit, yes, I wondered if they go deep and dark before they come out the other side and if that could be what's happening with him now.  Your experience at this stage with your h is interesting.   I think I read somewhere they must go way deep down.  But he does seem to go deep then surface, then deep again, etc.    Maleficent - he is a boomerang,, maybe not quite a clinging boomerang but almost.   His regular presence is the give-away there.   I actually think his push to wrap up all legal things is due to extreme pressure (threats?) from ow who wants him to have nothing to do with me.   He's held her off for years but I think she just wore him out and he agrees so he can get her to leave him alone about it.   Any normal thinking person would question a relationship with someone like this - who seems to endlessly manipulate to get what she wants.   I do wonder if he will actually go through with initiating a divorce.   He's one of those guys who will agree to anything if it's a long way off, but then as it draws closer, they panic and do what they can to get out of what they promised to do.   Milly, as usual your comments from the Veteran section are spot on and I am so glad I'm Option A all the way.   

I seem to have taken another giant leap forward in the detachment department or even indifference department.  I'll try to fill you in.   These last few days have helped me gain more traction with Option A.    Where to begin?

First off, the house is finally back up for sale!  Dropped the price considerably and lets see what happens this time.   My almost xh seems fine with it all for a change.   He has been here a lot this week doing a million things to get the house ready for the photographers that were here earlier today. 

I did touch on this on a previous post, but about a week ago, he was here to do something quick, can’t remember what it was, but I was annoyed.   He is just too weird around me and the tension is so thick you could cut it with a knife,,, or even a dull tool actually.   Why I don’t know but I am sure it’s not me!  Seriously.   All I want is a bit or cordiality while we go through these final things between us, but its been ridiculous actually.   He says almost nothing and when he does speak it’s so unnatural.  Before he left, I very mildly confronted him about it and told him how uncomfortable it is.   We talked a minute or two before he said he just doesn’t want to talk about it.   When I asked why not,,, he said… wait for it,,,, “I just don’t want it to lead into an emotional conversation.   Say what???
I then said, almost laughing,, “do you see me crying”,, “even close to it?”  Then I shook my head in disbelief.   I have no idea why he would even think that unless he’s going back to 2017 or part of 2108 when that may have been a legitimate concern, but that was 2 years ago for crying out loud. 

I’ve seen him several times since then and talked on the phone as well and believe it or not that has completely stopped.   No more weird, “I have to be silent and mysterious” ,,h.  He’s talking to me normally!  Acting normally too.  The tension is gone, thank goodness.  The stuff we had to deal with went so much easier.   We were both relaxed and focused on getting the job done.   

This is the way I would like to end things between us,,, cordially, and with some respect for the years we shared our lives with each other.   This bit on his end about needing to be guarded so I don’t get emotional,,, who the heck does he think he is?   I wanted to tell him that he is not at all the prize I thought he was when I met him so he has no worries now, lol.  I didn’t say it but I should have to bring him back down to earth.

There were several times in the last few days when I saw things, him, our marriage, in a much clearer light than I have for a very long time.   For example (there are many),,, while working on changing a switch to a dimmer switch, and things don’t go smoothly as expected,,,he literally has a firetruck fest with words where every single word he utters for the next 5 minutes is firetruck,, over and over again with great emphasis and obvious anger.   It’s been awhile since I’ve seen that but my immediate thought is thank goodness I am not subject to that anymore!  It’s always been offensive to me and I no longer have to listen to that.

The rants ,,, oh the rants and I don’t miss them either.    One rant was about how he will never, ever, ever,, have another pet again.  Never!   Well we had 2 of them while married and he seemed okay with it then but I’d bet my next pay that his ow hates pets.   Maybe not, but whatever.    So he continues the rant for several minutes and says he wouldn’t even DATE a woman if she had a pet.  No way is he going to have another pet.   (Wow..).   So I said well I probably always will have a pet and I doubt I would date a guy who didn’t like pets.   That actually shut him up,, lol.   

Next rant,,, in casual conversation, covid comes up.   Here we will be on mandatory masks while indoors in public places as of August 1.    Well… that stirred up all kinds of vitriole, about how he hates the phrase ‘the new normal’, and how he is sick of the dots with footsteps showing you where to stand in lineups, and sick of the directional arrows in aisles.   The mask requirement is stupid, and he’s starting to believe the conspiracy theories out there.   LOL.   Oh brother,,I thought, really?    Once again,, so glad I am not subject to this on a regular basis like I was during our marriage.   It’s one of those things that I don’t understand how I tolerated it.

The last rant, and very offensive to me.  I’m sorry for anyone reading this if it’s offensive.   The rant was about muslims, asians, mexicans, basically anyone that has less than white skin. even if they were born in our country.    He rants that the world is a mess partly because of them and their religious politics, complains they are eroding our way of life and what they really want is to take over one day.   I’ve heard infrequent and much milder versions of racist attitudes from him during our marriage but this is new, the conspiracy theories about taking over the world.   During our marriage I called him on holding racist views if not outright calling him a racist.  He would stop then or at least dial it down,  but then unbelievably he would claim he is not at all a racist.    Either way, and once again,,, he is not exactly the prize I thought he was.   How could I have ever thought he was? 

Drugs,,,, my almost xh is addicted to pot,  in the form of shatter, smoked through a vape pen.   Before that it was just smoked in a joint.   It’s been a daily habit of his since he was a teenager.  He's now 64,,, how cool is that?  Not.  I was alarmed at first when I found out about it (before we married), but somehow I made that a non-issue.   He seemed to function quite normally while stoned.   He drives better stoned than I do sober.  He is just so used to functioning under the influence it’s impossible to tell him stoned from normal.   

Over the course of the last 4 days of getting things in order to sell the house,  he has reminded me of some of the more troubling things about him that I tolerated during our marriage.   I’ve had peace from all of them since 2017 and seeing it all again over just a few days is quite jarring.   I ask myself how could that have ever been okay?   Well, it wasn't ever okay and that awareness hit me like a ton of bricks.   Who turned on the lights because I can see so much better than I ever saw before.   Can a person change that quick?  From feeling something to feeling nothing?  Maybe it's temporary? 

Clearly, h is not someone I want in my present life.   He is not a deep thinker on any subject, and thinks a quality relationship is all about lots of good sex.  At least since MLC hit this is what it's all about for him.   Exit me and enter ow.   She is welcome to him and I guess she has the same views about what makes a quality relationship.  Two peas in a pod.    I would love to wrap him up, put a big pretty pink bow on him and present him to her along with 2 matching glasses and a bottle of champagne.   Happy life you two,,, I’m outta here.   

I think the last week solidified a lot for me especially when it comes to not just thinking that Plan A is better, or believing that it’s better,,,, but KNOWING it’s better.    But this is a first for me ,,, he had to tell me he was going to see ow,,, something he has gone to great pains to keep from me.    He is going for 17 days.   A year ago,, heck, even last week,  I would have had some kind of emotional reaction.  Stronger early on but milder more recently.     This time,,,,no emotional reaction.  Nothing.  I just didn't care at all what his plans were or what he was doing.   I just couldn’t care less - amazinga.   If that doesn’t confirm I’m done, I don’t know what will.   

I’m anxious to get the house sold, then the next house sold,, and put him and our marriage behind me once and for all.   I deserve much better than the likes of him and his cheating, ranting, racist ways.   Omg,, she can have him 100 times over.   She deserves him,,, I don’t.    I deserve much better, in fact I already have much better right now because my life is peaceful and I don’t have to share it with him. 

When I first came here and cried, and vented, I got the comforting words that I will be okay whether he returns or doesn’t.    I didn’t have a clue back then how I would ever be okay if he didn’t come back.   I didn’t have a clue for a long time how I would ever be okay, but 3 years later I can honestly say ‘I am okay’.   I also could honestly say I’m much more than okay and I would not trade where I am now to have him back or to go back to that marriage - ever. 



 
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#35: July 23, 2020, 10:57:32 PM
Yay for you Anon! Good on you! He doesn’t deserve you.
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Roads with Forks and never ending decisions.
#36: July 23, 2020, 11:10:34 PM
Wow Anon!!!

You sound simply amazing. While I'm so sorry this happened, you have powered forward!!!

An absolute inspiration  :D

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#37: July 23, 2020, 11:24:39 PM
Yes, sometimes the pendulum of our lens swings doesn't it?
Imho it is important to not let oneself rewrite our own past reality too much....and it's not easy to find the middle ground.
But it is self evidently true for most of us that the person we see in front of us now brings very little that we would want in our lives....that any sane, sensible, healthy person would want tbh....so if ow/om wants that, as you say, let them have it  :) I suspect for a while we all fear that ow/om is getting the person we valued and 'lost', that we are the only ones getting the crappy human. But of course rationally, they are their own common denominator aren't they? They carry their own baggage with them into the world....both their pre-crisis normal baggage and their crisis baggage....which imho is a LOT of baggage  ::) And it isn't logical to think that they are simply magically 'fixed' either by our absence or by ow/om's presence.....all that has changed is the contextual setting of their lives. They will do or not do the work required to be a diamond or stay a bit of chipped glass regardless I imagine.....tbh I think the heart of their running and presumably the shape of their new life is mostly about trying to find a place where it feels ok to be a non-diamond  :)

But we LBS grow into diamonds through the fire I think....and it becomes much easier to distinguish diamonds from zirconium  :)

I'm glad though that the universe decided in a timely fashion to reinforce your Plan A decision, Anon....to help it evolve perhaps from a need to a want bc that has a different kind of energy to it doesn't it? And sometimes you have to clear the ground to sow new seeds don't you?

You're doing good, Anon, keep going  :)
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« Last Edit: July 23, 2020, 11:34:25 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

A
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Roads with Forks and never ending decisions.
#38: July 24, 2020, 10:01:36 AM
3 Boys, SS, Treasur,,, thank you for the positive words and encouragement.   :)  h flew off early this morning to ow land.  And I am still like,,,whatever,,,makes no difference to me whatever he’s doing anymore.   This really has to be what completely letting go feels like, which is simply awesome.  8)   

Quote
Imho it is important to not let oneself rewrite our own past reality too much....and it's not easy to find the middle ground.
Valid point Treasur.   I am observing myself for any tendency to do this and in some respects it’s possible by exaggerating my h’s flaws.   My latest clarity about who he is doesn't feel like rewriting history as much as it feels like letting go of the denial that allowed me to gloss over his deep flaws.   I can look back to the beginning of our relationship and see a lot that I glossed over in order to maintain the relationship.  I made it okay because I enjoyed enough else in the relationship and didn’t want to give that up.   I sold myself out back then by compromising my standards - dating a habitual drug user, a narrow minded person with racist attitudes, and someone who frequently uses the f word because he cannot otherwise express his feelings.    The relationship would never have got off the ground back then had I been more secure in who I was.   I realize my worth today more than I ever did back then when I was more likely to believe I was lucky he wanted me.   Today, I see a chance for a do-over if I so choose.   If there is a next time, my standards will not be compromised.   I’m more than fine on my own and it will take a very high quality human to change my mind about that.  Would I like a relationship eventually?  Yes, I would.   I believe I have a lot to offer even if it’s just a friendship, or romantic friendship.   I have my doubts I will ever want to live with someone again.  I enjoy my own home with just me and my cat too much.   If that ever changes, the new person will love me AND my cat.

I did want to comment a bit about MLC and drug use.   I mentioned my h has been addicted to pot for 49 years - from 15 yrs old to his current 64 yrs old.  He says he is not addicted despite such a long history of heavy use.    Like other mood altering addictions,,, alcohol, gambling, sex, shopping, exercise to name a few,,, an active addiction allows the user to escape the issues within themselves that need to be fixed.   As long as there is an active addiction in play, the user will never face these issues.   I’ll bet that a big majority of MLCers, have an active addiction of some kind and have for a very long time.   The addiction allows the user to avoid facing difficult issues but eventually the endless avoidance blows up into to a MLC.   Without an addiction, it wouldn’t be a MLC but a MLT which is a typical stage of adult development in midlife.   It’s also a pretty painful time and requires deep introspection.   The Replay stage is not present because MLTers are capable of facing issues while MLCers often have a life long history of avoiding issues.   My h said the other day that he still uses and will likely die from it eventually.   His need to avoid his issues within are that strong that he will even risk his life to avoid facing them.   Unless he decides to kick his addiction, he will forever remain in MLC.   Coming through MLC means facing issues.  An active addiction prevents that.   In my h’s case is there any other possible outcome for him than becoming a forever MLCer?   

I added this to my post because it’s another example of me sticking my own head in the sand,,,even before we  married.   I knew and know this about addictions, due to some training years ago for my job.   The users personal development is put on ‘pause’ at the point the addiction takes hold and remains that way until the addiction is overcome.     My h became addicted as a teenager - 15 yrs old.   His emotional and psychological development is stuck at that age.  MLC often takes them back to the time when they first began avoiding which so often is during the teen years.   Once I stopped denying the impact of his addiction on him, I can see his many stunted teenage attitudes, and much immaturity.   I doubt my h will ever again be the person I want in my life going forward.   It just adds to the momentum I have for Option A.   
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#39: July 25, 2020, 12:24:24 PM
Well... no surprise... Option A does have it's ups and downs.    Not drastic ones but yesterday and today I am feeling a bit unsettled.  The house is up for sale as of yesterday and there has already been a showing.   I feel this time the house will actually sell.  Unlike last time when it sat on the market for 6 months, only to find a buyer who bailed when the pandemic hit.   I'm sure the unsettled feeling is from realizing once again that our lives really did blow up and stayed blown up and we are actually in the process of disposing of our joint assets.   In the early days, h was sure he would come back after a year or so.   The ow was nobody, but he had to do what he was doing to get her out of his system.   We all know how that usually works out, right?

Another reason for feeling unsettled is that although my immediate future after the house sells is known (I move to the rental house and sell it too), the future beyond is very uncertain.   I'm looking at all the options for what I can afford but still have money in the bank and the options aren't as plentiful as I once thought.   First off, I am eliminating from the options a house/condo in the same neighborhood as I am in now and also the neighboring neighborhood where h bought his condo jointly with ow.   My preference is to live anywhere else but these two areas.   It's not even so much I worry about running into them, but I just associate these areas with a painful time in my life.   Both areas are nice, but I can't help how I feel and I don't want to live here. 

Anyway,,, day by day and one day I will be through to the other side.    I think I am slowly making progress.   Does anyone remember me posting this from March 30?
Quote
Before his MLC I was comfortable being in my 'at home' clothes with no make-up.   Could I ever be that comfortable again? 
Haha,, well I have broken through that barrier!  Last week when h was coming over to install the new light fixtures, I was doing a million other things but planned in the back of my mind to leave enough time to shower and make myself look presentable.   Well,, I made great progress on my tasks and decided that I would just keep going and forego the shower.   So,,, that meant,,, no shower,  baggy shorts at least a size too big, and no make-up!  Not even lipstick.  I actually wasn't bothered what he thought.   I think I would have cleaned up a bit and wore proper fitting shorts had it been anyone else coming by ,, but it was only h so it didn't matter.   ;D
To me, that is the most obvious sign ever that I have let go and don't give a rats ass what I look like.   I felt so powerful with no make up,,, haha.   And the shorts I wouldn't have subjected anyone else to seeing them!
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« Last Edit: July 25, 2020, 12:33:05 PM by Anon »
"This too shall pass.  It might pass like a kidney stone but it will pass."
"Don’t blame a clown for acting like a clown.  Instead, ask yourself why you keep going to the circus."

 

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