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Author Topic: My Story Roads with Forks and never ending decisions.

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My Story Roads with Forks and never ending decisions.
#40: July 25, 2020, 02:31:54 PM
Hi Anon,
It may seem small, but I think you continuing in with your work, no shower, no makeup, is actually quite significant. It shows a level of comfort in you, yourself as a person. That’s progress! We have to first love ourselves if we are ever really going to reclaim our lives for the good as LBS. make up, clothes, perfectly manicured homes, none of that matters if you can’t be yourself. Happy for you, not surprised that you are experiencing ups and down over your new decision - that will likely continue for awhile, however you sound good, happy even. What sweet relief!!

Big hugs,
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BD End of April 2017
Moved out - kind of, May 2017
Denied affair
Cycled hard April - Oct 2017, my son figured out affair, I confronted husband, we were going away as a family for the weekend - H monsters hard and files for a D end of Oct, 2017
D final Sept 2018
Many touch and goes
He lives in monster, kids haven’t been with him overnight since Jan 2019
Moved in with MOW, a former friend of mine, May 2019

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Roads with Forks and never ending decisions.
#41: September 15, 2020, 11:36:15 AM
It finally happened!  The house is SOLD!  Next step - sell the other house and then it’s all but over.   Final step is the divorce coming in 2021.   H will initiate, not me.  I could but I’d rather delay to keep benefits and beneficiaries in place.   On the other hand,, that’s not exactly a clean break so I may reconsider.

The house sale came rather suddenly.  My h has been reluctant for years to sell, supposedly because he was waiting for property values to improve.  I’ve always had a hunch though, that it was more about keeping this major tie between us in place.    It’s the only thing that made sense really.   He was paying a lot of money monthly to keep the house and any gain from selling would be easily offset by what he paid to keep it. 

Anyway,,, back to the end of June.   I brought up the possibility of selling the house again.  H still didn’t want to.   We decided we would sell the other house and I would basically buy him out and take over all the financial responsibilities.   The catch is he would have to remain on the mortgage in order to keep my payments down.   He has been more than willing to do for me since BD.   I went back and forth a bit on which house I would keep of the two and decided I would stay in the house I have lived in for the last decade or so.   H seemed relieved that this was my decision saying he thought I would be happier in this house than the other one, which is true.   So it was all figured out, sell the other house, buy out h, then the house I’m keeping would be mine.   Except h had to stay on the mortgage - a refinance in my name would have been a very bad move financially and I wouldn’t have done it.    I was mostly happy about the arrangement except for one thing - I still had a tie to him through the mortgage.   I was a bit uneasy about it - not because I thought he would fleece me but because it wasn’t the complete and total clean break I would have preferred.   But okay,,, I love my house and it would be fine so I breathed a sigh of relief that we had this settled.   I could relax and be confident that I would be living here for years or as long as I wanted. 

Two weeks later, a mini bomb - h says he is no longer willing to stay on the mortgage.   Without that I won’t keep either house and h knew that.   I suspected ow was driving the bus on this decision.   An ultimatum - she’s had enough - or he wants to buy another place with her and has to keep his mortgage room free.   I later asked him if that was their plan and he convincingly said it wasn’t as he had no downpayment money (he gets very little of the sale proceeds).   I asked why, then,,, couldn’t he stay on the mortgage so I could stay in the house.   His answer - he just wants a totally clean break, wants to start over.    Hmmm,,, sounds like someone is still finding ways to blame me for his unhappiness.   The fix for that must be the clean break.  Or maybe it’s the ow ultimatum.  idk and it really doesn’t matter but the sudden about face is interesting.   Around this time he was also very quiet, uncommunicative, distant. 

Right away, I got the house ready to sell and it was listed 2 weeks later.  We chose a lower list price to get the house sold quickly and 3 weeks later we had an offer worth considering.   It wasn’t quite up to our bottom line but pretty darn close.   $2500 difference - nothing really.  H wanted that $2500 and refused to budge.   The buyers had to come up another $2500 or no deal.   They buyers said the same - they wouldn’t budge so we lost the deal.   The realtors could not believe it.  I couldn’t believe it, and I’m sure the buyers couldn’t believe it either.   In a buyers market the seller cannot be the one to hold out for $2500 !!   I talked to h the next day and asked if he had regrets about letting it go and he said No.  He also thought it was good that neither one of us wanted to give away the house.    A few days after that the realtor called and said he was going to try again to get the buyers to come up the $2500 but wouldn’t unless he knew we would accept the offer.   We both agreed and the realtor did manage to get the $2500 and a conditional deal was signed.   When this happened, h said something unbelievable:  “I didn’t think either one of us wanted to sell the house.” (my hunch confirmed)  I told him I would have stayed but had no choice without him staying on the mortgage. 

So why did he go through the motions to sell it, hiring a realtor, only to wish it wouldn’t sell?   To convince ow that he was really trying to get the house sold?  If she thought he was holding things up she might have dumped him.   Not only that,,, why didn’t he want to sell the house??  I believe it has something to do with unconsciously not wanting to sever a major tie.   All along he has given me the impression that he never intended his new life to be a permanent.   He had to convince himself, me and anyone else that knows him that his new life is for real otherwise he would have faced some pretty harsh criticism and judgement if he had said he would eventually return when his fling with ow was over.   He actually said as much to me and his sister within 2 weeks of bd… that we would likely get back together after a year or two.   The obvious problem is it quickly becomes a very slippery slope and down they go, deep into the rabbit hole.    They struggle to get out but can’t - too slippery.   There are a number of sayings related to this.

The chains of sin are too light to be felt until they are too heavy to be broken. (Tom Drout)

One leak will sink a ship and one sin will destroy a sinner.  (Paul Bunyan)

Sin will take you farther than you want to go, keep you longer than you want to stay, and cost you more than you ever wanted to pay.

Sin has a diminishing factor to it. It always gives it’s best in the beginning. It never gets better after that … it only gets worse. (Mark Aulson).

Sin will surely find out the sinner. Conscience is one of it’s officers. The consequences of sin lay hold of the sinner. No man can escape from himself.

These sayings are universal to all people, religious or not.   There is something slightly comforting reading them.    These MLCers will one day (or now), suffer for what they’ve done today.   Consequences are inevitable,  consequences always bring well deserved suffering and pain.   Knowing this frees me - I don’t have to do a darn thing to bring about his Karma.    All I need to do is move forward knowing the consequences must be faced one day along with the suffering.   

I have no animosity toward my h.   I hope he one day can face his failures, deal with them, and be restored.   I don’t hate ow either.   Quite possible she hates me, but I refuse to hate her.   She could only do what she did with a willing participant.   Too bad her willing participant is a broken man, with a history of adultery with 2 of his wives,  a history of abandonment and betrayal to a wife that didn’t deserve it, a history of showing in his life that he comes first, and will do whatever he must to get it.   He is the one that matters in his life above all others.   I have zero interest in a man like this.   How broken must the ow be,, for a guy like this to be seen as a suitable partner?   And for h?  His willing participant is a broken woman of equally poor character, with long standing, deep psychological issues.  I hope somehow these two can figure out where they went so wrong in life or they are doomed to endlessly wonder why things never really turn out for them.   The answers are staring back at them from the mirror but they are incapable of 'seeing' what so many others see clearly.   It's truly a heart-breaking tragedy.   Locked in a death grip with each other, there will never be any resolution or peace.   I feel like the lucky one that got away.   I look back and view my life then as sub-par to my life now.   If anything, I feel compassion for them.   I am free, and happy, and optimistic about the future.  Those two more likely feel trapped than optimistic.  My h believes his gf is a sociopath with no empathy.   She feels he is a worthless loser.   How could any optimism for the future arise from that? 

In the meantime, I am in as good a place as I ever have been.   I am finding myself, what I like and don’t like and who I like to spend time with.   I never knew what a social being I am.   It’s like I’ve emerged from a shell I didn’t know I was in.   My business is more than booming, it’s swamping me at times.    It has been a challenge to find single friends at my age.   Most of my friends are married or partnered which makes them hit and miss when it comes to having someone available to do things with any regularity.  I missed getting out for dinner, or walks, going to the pub, and all those things that I found enjoyable before bd.    So,, about 10 weeks ago I started a meetup for older women, single divorced, separated or widowed.    The response has been overwhelming.   There are now 45 members and multiple events scheduled every week - dinners, brunch, lunch, pub nights, walks, hikes, book club, morning coffee gatherings.   I won’t lie, it’s a lot of work and time, but it’s so rewarding.  Many of these women are isolated, depressed, and lonely and have no idea how to build a social life at their age even if they had the energy and motivation to do so.   I’ve met wonderful people and we all seem so happy to have met each other.   So now I have lots to do!   I can’t go to everything and have to pick and choose otherwise I would be broke and fat (I love the dining events).   I have recruited 2 other members to take over organizing repeating events and a 3rd one will get going once  cultural events open up as Covid abates.   

Between my swamped business, my social group, and now I’m packing my house for a smooth move,, I find I have a busy and very satisfying life.   I am not worried about me going forward at all.   I’m sorry that I can’t say the same for my almost xh.   I do worry but in a detached way.   I am happy to escape the MLC quicksand.  I don’t miss the ruminating, weeping, monkey-braining or anything else MLC.   Am I totally out of the woods?   I hope so.  But,,, I honestly can’t say with certainty what I would do if h popped up one day, clearly back to himself, MLC behind him,,, and wanting to try again.   I will not ponder this, or wish for it, but I am aware that I might be slightly weak if this happened down the road.   

I have a few weeks left before moving day.   I am going through some grief in packing up, memories of happier times, grieving anew the loss my h and marriage.   Or, maybe it’s just me experiencing letting go to the full extent.   I will miss my home and the peaceful yard.   My cat has not known any other home and I wonder how he will adjust (lol).    Unusually, I haven’t heard a peep from h for the last 2 weeks.   He may be moving into a different head space now that the big tie is severed.   

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"This too shall pass.  It might pass like a kidney stone but it will pass."
"Don’t blame a clown for acting like a clown.  Instead, ask yourself why you keep going to the circus."

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Roads with Forks and never ending decisions.
#42: September 15, 2020, 03:15:23 PM
Wow Anon--so much good stuff in there. I am loving that your business is booming and you are getting out and about. I believe social interaction helps a lot with combating the blues. And look who is the most popular group??? Can't say I am at all surprised--I loved hanging out with you in Tuscany. You will attract kind compassionate souls b/c that is who you are.  Which is probably why H cannot be around you--misery loves company. And he and OW seem to be most miserable. So sad and such a waste but they need to learn that lesson themselves. Not your job.

Congrats on the sale of the house. That will be one step forward that will propel you even further into your healing process, which you seem to be embracing wholeheartedly. I recently went through a purging process too. Not even close to the scale you will be with an entire house. But it definitely had me re-living a few things.  And although I did grieve the marriage a little more, it felt very empowering.  I do love a good purge though. 

I am sure the next few weeks will be very cathartic for you. And I wouldn't be surprised if your clinger H pokes his head out a little more once he realizes what "cutting all ties" actually means. And that even when this particular wish is granted, he still may not feel at peace. How could he after all of the damage and destruction? There is always a reckoning.

Sin will take you farther than you want to go, keep you longer than you want to stay, and cost you more than you ever wanted to pay.

Wow--this one seems to be the battle cry for all MLCers.  Too bad many don't learn this lesson until it is too late. You sound pretty great my friend!  I'll be thinking of you over the next few weeks as you prepare for your next adventure!

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Me 49
H 47
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

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Roads with Forks and never ending decisions.
#43: September 15, 2020, 06:52:48 PM
I loved reading your post Anon. You go girl!

I belonged to a neighborhood group (mostly women) that met every Wed for dinner at various restaurants but that has stopped since COVID.

My friends too are married and like you, they really are good people but they have their own lives.

Good luck...I stayed in our home and I truly love it. Although I give serious consideration to moving back to Canada where my family lives, this has been my home since 2005 and it's academic really for I cannot go to Canada until the borders open so trying to buy a house up there would not work for me.

I too am grateful that I am the LBSer... I have nothing to regret other than the damage this experience has done to me.

Keep letting us know how things progress.
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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

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Roads with Forks and never ending decisions.
#44: September 16, 2020, 12:07:47 AM
“I didn’t think either one of us wanted to sell the house.”
Not at all surprised he said that, Anon. Or that he did a sudden back flip on the previous agreement bc, well, it's what MLCers do isn't it? I suspect your  xh will find that this 'clean break' will not produce his magic happy either.....but I think it will be nothing but good for you. So, a little bit of good and bad karma together  :)

And yes, as KIT says, that quote seems to be how life eventually works....... ::)

You sound super-fab.  :)
And your woman's group made me muse on whether it is time for me to join or start something similar here (albeit Covid-ish right now  :) ). Which I absolutely did not have the oomph to do even six months ago but do now. Which helped me see how different a place i am in now than i was. Healing seems to go through stages doesn't it? Some intentional effort like digging in mud lol, but some seems to slide up unnoticed.

So are you moving to the other house which will now be yours alone? Or somewhere else? How is it different from the old house? And the cat? Well, I have moved before with cats....there is a joke that they care more often about a favourite chair than a favourite human lol....but I have always found after a few days, taking it slow so they feel in control of a safe place, cats adapt pretty quickly. In fact Louis the Magnificat turned from a London street cat into a rabbit-chasing country cat. And Grace the Aloof turned into a spider-eating cat who pops out of the kitchen window to visit most of my neighbours children lol. Not unlike we LBS perhaps....we find out feet (paws) as long as we feel we have a safe base to set out from  :)

That packing up/clearing out thing normally prods a few tender spots though doesn't it? Normal. I have been doing some here but it is also interesting to observe that my emotions are not the same as they used to be entirely. I think for quite a while my xh still felt like my h in my head, albeit a metaphorically dead h, and I sometimes liked being able to look at an old favourite photo of him much as I do with my parents. But now it felt....idk, slightly invasive? As if even the old h simply had no place on the shelf of my current life looking at it lol. And yet I also felt sad at what was destroyed apparently so lightly bc I knew that to me it felt like a good, honest, valuable thing. What's that phrase about the past being a foreign country? It felt a bit like that...... which seems normal, healthy and a sign of healing to me, a sign that my eyes are up and forwards not looking over my shoulder as I did for so long. I suspect you will find that moving will be part of that for you, a new vista from your metaphorical and real new window  :)
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« Last Edit: September 16, 2020, 12:09:16 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: Roads with Forks and never ending decisions.
#45: September 16, 2020, 12:54:32 AM
Anon, what wonderful news about the house! I'm so pleased for you, it must be such a relief to have it sold and done with. Sometimes just coming to the decision is so tiring in itself. I'm glad you are not tied to your H for his mortgage name, that would prevent you from moving on, and as he's shown, there is always the chance that he would change his mind and upturn your life again. Yes, do tell us where you will be living next, what are your plans?

Love, love the sound of your single women meeting group. Sounds like such fun. Brilliant idea, but not surprised you came up with it. On the Tuscany trip we would say that Anon should be a travel app and that everyone should have an Anon, as she is so organized, comes up with ideas and all possible outcomes, and can count really well.

I wish you a smooth move out of your home and many fun days with your new friends and all the activities. x
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

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Re: Roads with Forks and never ending decisions.
#46: September 16, 2020, 03:58:55 PM
Anon, you sound AMAZING. You sound like a free woman. Like a weight has been lifted off you. It's coming through your words.

Just, WOW.
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The more relaxed you are, the better you are at everything: the better you are with your loved ones, the better you are with your enemies, the better you are at your job, the better you are with yourself. - Bill Murray


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