It finally happened! The house is SOLD! Next step - sell the other house and then it’s all but over. Final step is the divorce coming in 2021. H will initiate, not me. I could but I’d rather delay to keep benefits and beneficiaries in place. On the other hand,, that’s not exactly a clean break so I may reconsider.
The house sale came rather suddenly. My h has been reluctant for years to sell, supposedly because he was waiting for property values to improve. I’ve always had a hunch though, that it was more about keeping this major tie between us in place. It’s the only thing that made sense really. He was paying a lot of money monthly to keep the house and any gain from selling would be easily offset by what he paid to keep it.
Anyway,,, back to the end of June. I brought up the possibility of selling the house again. H still didn’t want to. We decided we would sell the other house and I would basically buy him out and take over all the financial responsibilities. The catch is he would have to remain on the mortgage in order to keep my payments down. He has been more than willing to do for me since BD. I went back and forth a bit on which house I would keep of the two and decided I would stay in the house I have lived in for the last decade or so. H seemed relieved that this was my decision saying he thought I would be happier in this house than the other one, which is true. So it was all figured out, sell the other house, buy out h, then the house I’m keeping would be mine. Except h had to stay on the mortgage - a refinance in my name would have been a very bad move financially and I wouldn’t have done it. I was mostly happy about the arrangement except for one thing - I still had a tie to him through the mortgage. I was a bit uneasy about it - not because I thought he would fleece me but because it wasn’t the complete and total clean break I would have preferred. But okay,,, I love my house and it would be fine so I breathed a sigh of relief that we had this settled. I could relax and be confident that I would be living here for years or as long as I wanted.
Two weeks later, a mini bomb - h says he is no longer willing to stay on the mortgage. Without that I won’t keep either house and h knew that. I suspected ow was driving the bus on this decision. An ultimatum - she’s had enough - or he wants to buy another place with her and has to keep his mortgage room free. I later asked him if that was their plan and he convincingly said it wasn’t as he had no downpayment money (he gets very little of the sale proceeds). I asked why, then,,, couldn’t he stay on the mortgage so I could stay in the house. His answer - he just wants a totally clean break, wants to start over. Hmmm,,, sounds like someone is still finding ways to blame me for his unhappiness. The fix for that must be the clean break. Or maybe it’s the ow ultimatum. idk and it really doesn’t matter but the sudden about face is interesting. Around this time he was also very quiet, uncommunicative, distant.
Right away, I got the house ready to sell and it was listed 2 weeks later. We chose a lower list price to get the house sold quickly and 3 weeks later we had an offer worth considering. It wasn’t quite up to our bottom line but pretty darn close. $2500 difference - nothing really. H wanted that $2500 and refused to budge. The buyers had to come up another $2500 or no deal. They buyers said the same - they wouldn’t budge so we lost the deal. The realtors could not believe it. I couldn’t believe it, and I’m sure the buyers couldn’t believe it either. In a buyers market the seller cannot be the one to hold out for $2500 !! I talked to h the next day and asked if he had regrets about letting it go and he said No. He also thought it was good that neither one of us wanted to give away the house. A few days after that the realtor called and said he was going to try again to get the buyers to come up the $2500 but wouldn’t unless he knew we would accept the offer. We both agreed and the realtor did manage to get the $2500 and a conditional deal was signed. When this happened, h said something unbelievable: “I didn’t think either one of us wanted to sell the house.” (my hunch confirmed) I told him I would have stayed but had no choice without him staying on the mortgage.
So why did he go through the motions to sell it, hiring a realtor, only to wish it wouldn’t sell? To convince ow that he was really trying to get the house sold? If she thought he was holding things up she might have dumped him. Not only that,,, why didn’t he want to sell the house?? I believe it has something to do with unconsciously not wanting to sever a major tie. All along he has given me the impression that he never intended his new life to be a permanent. He had to convince himself, me and anyone else that knows him that his new life is for real otherwise he would have faced some pretty harsh criticism and judgement if he had said he would eventually return when his fling with ow was over. He actually said as much to me and his sister within 2 weeks of bd… that we would likely get back together after a year or two. The obvious problem is it quickly becomes a very slippery slope and down they go, deep into the rabbit hole. They struggle to get out but can’t - too slippery. There are a number of sayings related to this.
The chains of sin are too light to be felt until they are too heavy to be broken. (Tom Drout)
One leak will sink a ship and one sin will destroy a sinner. (Paul Bunyan)
Sin will take you farther than you want to go, keep you longer than you want to stay, and cost you more than you ever wanted to pay.
Sin has a diminishing factor to it. It always gives it’s best in the beginning. It never gets better after that … it only gets worse. (Mark Aulson).
Sin will surely find out the sinner. Conscience is one of it’s officers. The consequences of sin lay hold of the sinner. No man can escape from himself.
These sayings are universal to all people, religious or not. There is something slightly comforting reading them. These MLCers will one day (or now), suffer for what they’ve done today. Consequences are inevitable, consequences always bring well deserved suffering and pain. Knowing this frees me - I don’t have to do a darn thing to bring about his Karma. All I need to do is move forward knowing the consequences must be faced one day along with the suffering.
I have no animosity toward my h. I hope he one day can face his failures, deal with them, and be restored. I don’t hate ow either. Quite possible she hates me, but I refuse to hate her. She could only do what she did with a willing participant. Too bad her willing participant is a broken man, with a history of adultery with 2 of his wives, a history of abandonment and betrayal to a wife that didn’t deserve it, a history of showing in his life that he comes first, and will do whatever he must to get it. He is the one that matters in his life above all others. I have zero interest in a man like this. How broken must the ow be,, for a guy like this to be seen as a suitable partner? And for h? His willing participant is a broken woman of equally poor character, with long standing, deep psychological issues. I hope somehow these two can figure out where they went so wrong in life or they are doomed to endlessly wonder why things never really turn out for them. The answers are staring back at them from the mirror but they are incapable of 'seeing' what so many others see clearly. It's truly a heart-breaking tragedy. Locked in a death grip with each other, there will never be any resolution or peace. I feel like the lucky one that got away. I look back and view my life then as sub-par to my life now. If anything, I feel compassion for them. I am free, and happy, and optimistic about the future. Those two more likely feel trapped than optimistic. My h believes his gf is a sociopath with no empathy. She feels he is a worthless loser. How could any optimism for the future arise from that?
In the meantime, I am in as good a place as I ever have been. I am finding myself, what I like and don’t like and who I like to spend time with. I never knew what a social being I am. It’s like I’ve emerged from a shell I didn’t know I was in. My business is more than booming, it’s swamping me at times. It has been a challenge to find single friends at my age. Most of my friends are married or partnered which makes them hit and miss when it comes to having someone available to do things with any regularity. I missed getting out for dinner, or walks, going to the pub, and all those things that I found enjoyable before bd. So,, about 10 weeks ago I started a meetup for older women, single divorced, separated or widowed. The response has been overwhelming. There are now 45 members and multiple events scheduled every week - dinners, brunch, lunch, pub nights, walks, hikes, book club, morning coffee gatherings. I won’t lie, it’s a lot of work and time, but it’s so rewarding. Many of these women are isolated, depressed, and lonely and have no idea how to build a social life at their age even if they had the energy and motivation to do so. I’ve met wonderful people and we all seem so happy to have met each other. So now I have lots to do! I can’t go to everything and have to pick and choose otherwise I would be broke and fat (I love the dining events). I have recruited 2 other members to take over organizing repeating events and a 3rd one will get going once cultural events open up as Covid abates.
Between my swamped business, my social group, and now I’m packing my house for a smooth move,, I find I have a busy and very satisfying life. I am not worried about me going forward at all. I’m sorry that I can’t say the same for my almost xh. I do worry but in a detached way. I am happy to escape the MLC quicksand. I don’t miss the ruminating, weeping, monkey-braining or anything else MLC. Am I totally out of the woods? I hope so. But,,, I honestly can’t say with certainty what I would do if h popped up one day, clearly back to himself, MLC behind him,,, and wanting to try again. I will not ponder this, or wish for it, but I am aware that I might be slightly weak if this happened down the road.
I have a few weeks left before moving day. I am going through some grief in packing up, memories of happier times, grieving anew the loss my h and marriage. Or, maybe it’s just me experiencing letting go to the full extent. I will miss my home and the peaceful yard. My cat has not known any other home and I wonder how he will adjust (lol). Unusually, I haven’t heard a peep from h for the last 2 weeks. He may be moving into a different head space now that the big tie is severed.
Roads with Forks and never ending decisions.
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