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Author Topic: My Story Roads with Forks and never ending decisions.

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My Story Re: Roads with Forks and never ending decisions.
#50: October 25, 2020, 05:04:53 PM
Anon, I'm so pleased to hear your update, even though you've just been through a monumental move. I moved again in September from the fairly house I loved that you stayed at, and I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown, just reading your description of your move brought back memories of mine, but yours was so much bigger. All I can say is well done you.

Your H was useless. I'm not surprised you resent the fact that he went off conveniently the last few days before move out to be with OW. How absolutely selfish, inconsiderate, and hurtful. I'm not surprised you don't want his help with anything any more and would rather pay for someone to finish off the final stuff. I feel like that too at the moment.

Onto the positives I see from the cheap seats. You sold your home which was becoming such a burden. That's fantastic. You quite like your second home, isn't that great? This is unexpected which is a lovely surprise. Wouldn't that be a big problem solved if you do wish to stay in this home and can find a way to do so. I hope this for you.

I can just imagine you in bed with boxes everywhere reminding you of how much you have to do. I would like to turn this into a positive. I remember how this time of year tends to get you down. With Covid closing us in, there's even more gloom ahead for so many. But having this project to deal with, undoing boxes and setting up your home in your own personal style, could keep you busy enough and creative enough to avoid the down time that autumn usually creates.

Looking forward to hearing the rest of your update. Sending big hugs and a giant well done. x
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

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Roads with Forks and never ending decisions.
#51: October 25, 2020, 06:03:25 PM
Moving is exhausting. I just went through it myself and the packing and fixing things and moving without help from my xw was exasperating. Just so tiring. Anger is a rational response to the unfairness of it all. But once you catch up on rest and start enjoying your new life, I hope you'll feel good about what you've just accomplished.
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"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2: 2018 - FA
W moved out - June 2019
OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019
Divorce final - September 2019
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My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11537.new#new

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Roads with Forks and never ending decisions.
#52: October 25, 2020, 09:26:26 PM
Treasur, Evermore, Milly, PJ,,,, thank you all for posting a reply.  There is something so comforting about talking here about our lives and the challenges in them.   No one here would discount my hurt, or anger, or any feelings.  Instead I receive complete acceptance, understanding, and fear comfort.   

I’ve been more absent than present lately.  I wish I posted more on my own thread and on your threads.   Once life returns to some semblance of normal I hope to be here as often as I once was.   I’m making progress with the return to normal.  I unpacked another room,,,the workout room, file cabinet room and the cat litter room.  All together in one room.   I am getting things done finally!   

This house is fine but I do miss my old house.   Last night on my way home from dinner I turned down my street, and as I approached my house I reached for the garage remote to open the garage door.   It wasn’t in its usual spot and I wondered where the heck it was.   I was almost at my driveway before I realized it wasn’t my driveway but it used to be my driveway until about 10 days ago.   Once aware, I laughed at my absent-mindedness but by the time I turned off the street I was in tears, full on sobbing actually at losing that house even though the current house is fine.   Well sort of fine.  The living arrangement with my ‘tenant’ in the old house was truly a landlord tenant relationship.  I could go for days and not see her.  The lower level was very private for her and for me.  This house,,not so much.   Unlike the old house she needs upstairs into my space for the fridge and the dishwasher.  She cooks down there and keeps to herself for the most part but it feels more like a roommate situation here than a landlord tenant situation.   Her living room is right below my living room and the stairway is open so we can both hear what’s going on in each other’s space.  Not great.   So,,, will I stay or sell?  I’m taking the next 6 months to figure that out.   By then I should know if this setup is workable or not.   I will also know if my h is going to be a pain as a joint owner.    From now on, there is no reason for him to be around here and no reason for him to contact me unless we are going to sell the house.   And if that happens I’ll just buy him out and say bye-bye for good.  Generally he’s been more than useless so this will be a relief.   

On the positive side, I’ve been feeling great for months now, except for the move and that has almost passed.  The women’s group I started in July has been a God-send for me and some of the members too.  We are an older group that often feels out of place as a single, or feels like they are the third wheel when joining married friends.   I’ve had the great pleasure of hearing people repeated say they love our group and thank goodness they have somewhere to go to be with other single and older women.  I started the group thinking if I’m looking for things to do without bugging my married friends then surely there are more single people out there that feel the same.  And there are!  Women are alone in later years without wanting to be but don’t always know what to do to change things.   The group started with one (me) and has grown to 50 members in just over 3 months.   I now have 3 event coordinators so I can relax a bit.   There are events 3 - 4 times a week, urban walks, hikes, zoo trips, dinner, pub night, just coffee, lunch, and brunch, book club, and an art show soon.   Most events fill up very quickly too.   We just had a Thanksgiving dinner at a fancy steak place, and coming up is something special for Christmas and New Years.  On holiday times, no one should be alone unless they want to be alone.  Or at other times either.    Side friendships have formed including a couple of my own.   It’s been a real positive and rewarding experience.  It also keeps me very busy - attending events, or scheduling events.  Good thing I enjoy it and thank goodness for the other volunteers who have stepped up to share responsibilities with me.   

Back to your comments.  Treasur, you are so right that now is not the time for big decisions.   I plan to wait several months until the dust falls before I make even medium decisions.   Maybe.  I will know when I’m ready but I’m not forcing it.   As for h, he is still h and not xh.  Nothing is happening in that respect but I expect in the New Year ow will be on his case once again and pressuring him to live up to his promise.  This will be the 3rd year now that he’s promised to divorce me and when he doesn’t deliver his life is practically at stake.   Will he this next year?  My guess is no. 

Evermore, PJ, Milly,,, we are all recent movees it sounds like and thanks for enpathizing with me that moving is never easy and is always exhausting especially when your once trusted partner leaves everything to us .   And PJ,,thanks for sharing how angry you were at your xw for doing the same rotten thing to you..  Must be an MLC thing and why LBS’s relate so well to this mistreatment. 

Milly,,, aww, your adorable house and garden is gone and big hugs back at you for what you’ve been though.  I found it easy to move until it was all over and done, then it hurt bad.  I know you loved your perfect house and garden and I know how much it would have hurt you to give it up.  At least we are the sane, stable and strong lbs and will be just fine in time.   As far as the new house,,,or new old house,, it’s fine but would be perfect if I could be here on my own without the tenant/roommate.  It feels a bit cramped after being in the bigger house but really,,, no complaints,  I’m fortunate to have what I have and you are right,,,the upkeep of the other was was quite a burden and it will be a breeze here in comparison. 

So,,things are progressing and I’m still going forward Plan A and a peaceful life beyond MLC.  I have it now for the most part and when I don’t it’s because of some MLC nonsense coming from h.   He started as a clinging boomerang and is still a boomerang but a lot less clingy these days.   Maybe he will keep going and eventually become a vanisher and that wouldn’t be so bad for me.

it’s late here so good-night and god bless.   

Anon
Xx





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« Last Edit: October 25, 2020, 10:07:55 PM by Anon »
"This too shall pass.  It might pass like a kidney stone but it will pass."
"Don’t blame a clown for acting like a clown.  Instead, ask yourself why you keep going to the circus."

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Roads with Forks and never ending decisions.
#53: October 26, 2020, 04:26:57 AM
Anon,

I can add my hat in the "just finished moving" ring. I finally turned over my rented flat back to the Landlord at the beginning of the month so I know what a pain the whole moving situation is. I ended up having to hire a company to get rid of truck loads of stuff that I could simply not move with me, like the kids'rooms, etc., since they already had furniture where I moved to....

Between COVID, moving and work, I was just shattered..... 
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Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
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Re: Roads with Forks and never ending decisions.
#54: October 26, 2020, 02:50:03 PM
Anon, this group you've formed for single women in just 3 months is awesome. I wish there was someone like you here where I am. You are such a much needed App! Your group and events sound so cosy. Love that you make sure that holidays are covered so that no one has to be alone if they don't want to. I looove your group. What a brilliant idea you had.

I was thinking last night that it would be great if there were a site for LBSes (but could be also for single women) to reach out to each other and help each other. For example, someone has a house they can't afford on their own, and another LBS doesn't have anywhere to live. Some rent from the one LBS could help the other LBS keep her home until she is financially more stable. I say LBS because we trust each other and have so much in common that sharing a living space might not be hard. This is just one example, but it could also be useful for seeking employment. I bet some LBSes need paid help of some kind, whether at home or in the office they own or run. If they could choose another LBS, they would. We just don't know if there are any LBSes in our vicinity.

Anyway, your capacity to resolve and create really inspires me. Wish you lived closer.x
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
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OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

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Roads with Forks and never ending decisions.
#55: October 28, 2020, 01:11:27 PM
Hi Milly - thanks for your encouraging comments! 

Quote
I was thinking last night that it would be great if there were a site for LBSes (but could be also for single women) to reach out to each other and help each other.
I find this sort of thing is happening in the group naturally.   There are several members that are probable LBS's.   Their situation ticks the right boxes and support comes naturally through conversation with other members.   One of the earlier events was a walk in a large wooded park in our city.  There were 3 of us.   One woman was a brand new lbs of about a week and was pretty raw.  The other woman has been a lbs for about 8 yrs but has no interest or plans to reconcile.   Then me,,, right in the middle.  It was an interesting walk, but it brought back some painful memories for the woman who was at 8 years out.   I think this will happen with women who share commonalities, like finding someone to travel with, or reduce expenses by sharing accommodation, etc.

And,,,
Quote
Wish you lived closer.
   So do I Milly!  I would move there if I could. 
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« Last Edit: October 28, 2020, 01:16:48 PM by Anon »
"This too shall pass.  It might pass like a kidney stone but it will pass."
"Don’t blame a clown for acting like a clown.  Instead, ask yourself why you keep going to the circus."

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Re: Roads with Forks and never ending decisions.
#56: October 28, 2020, 04:08:48 PM
Anon, I'm sure it was a great walk for the three of you. I find such comfort coming here and being able to share with people who absolutely get it. Doesn't mean we're still looking to be told our Hs are coming back, just that now and again we need to talk and let things out, but people in RL don't understand, or are scared to hear our stuff in case we get upset, so the people we can really talk to are limited.

Well done for creating this group and selling your house, moving out of it, and making your second house your home. Do you have a cat with you?
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

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Roads with Forks and never ending decisions.
#57: October 28, 2020, 06:47:28 PM
Anon you really are the essence of strength. The way you powered through all the house stuff—amazing. And I get it. My H would have done the same thing....you know, if he were speaking to me presently lol. He’s super good at that disappearing act, especially when there is work to be done. I do believe tho that all this “crap” we go through is teeing us up for some really great rewards. But truly the reward now is the authenticity we live our lives and the growth we experience. We aren’t flitting through this stuff, putting it on the back burner. We are dealing with it head on. Some day these mlcers will deal with it too—it’s inevitable. But I think so many of us will be loooooooong gone.

Love the women’s group idea. You are so awesome to do that. The joy you’ve brought to all those women takes my breath away. I hope you know what a treasure you are.

I cannot wait until we meet again my friend! I had the time of my life in Tuscany. We need a repeat!
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Me 49
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H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

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Roads with Forks and never ending decisions.
#58: October 29, 2020, 08:06:16 PM
Aww KIT - I can't wait to meet again too.   Repeat coming up.... one day.   :-\

Thanks for your glowing compliments  ::).  It always feels great but I do think you project a bit of your own fabulousness onto others.   You sound really strong KIT.  Your comments about the MLCer are dead on, as usual. 

Milly,,, oh yes, I still have a cat and he's wonderful.  My other cat that went missing when I was in Tuscany has never returned.   :'(
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"This too shall pass.  It might pass like a kidney stone but it will pass."
"Don’t blame a clown for acting like a clown.  Instead, ask yourself why you keep going to the circus."

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Roads with Forks and never ending decisions.
#59: November 06, 2020, 07:25:23 PM
Following your journey.

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