Well I’m finally back to update after 2 solid weeks of giving more serious thought than ever to what direction I want to take going forward. Option A (cut all ties) or Option B (continue standing). I was firmly for Option A but found myself reconsidering for a few reasons. The main one,, to be sure I was not making a mistake.
At the beginning of those 2 weeks I had a very interesting session with a coach who knows a lot about MLC. It was time well spent and I got a new perspective on my situation which led me to reconsider Option B again. Then at the end of the 2 weeks (yesterday) I had a session with a different specialist who also knows a bit about MLC. I used the time in between these sessions to carefully consider both options. I expected to be quite torn but wanted to work it out on my own so I chose not to post on my thread for those 2 weeks. I always had a hunch that given enough time, my h would come back but don’t all LBS’s believe that? Are we even capable of assessing that likelihood on our own? No… we are too close to the situation and we are far from objective observers.
In my first session we explored more about h and how we got to where we are now 3 years later. I’ll not go into those details here but at the end of the discussion with the coach, it was glaringly obvious to both of us that my h wants to come home. He’s not ready right now but in the meantime he is clinging tightly like a drowning man to a life raft to hang on to what is left of our remaining connections whether that’s emotional or practical (like stalling on selling the houses). He needs help getting home because he can’t do it himself right now. He’s deep in the quicksand of his relationship with ow, who has all the signs of being a seriously disordered individual. She has him firmly in her grasp and is not letting him go. People with these disorders are very difficult to break up with. My h has attempted to pull away from her before but he has nowhere near the emotional strength to be successful. She continues to pressure him to do what she wants which basically amounts to severing all associations with me including selling the houses, and moving forward right now with obtaining a divorce. This isn’t fuelled by undying love for h either. It’s a sick game to destroy all connections to his past life and when this is accomplished they lose interest quickly. The relationship is no longer exciting because there is nothing left to destroy except the relationship itself. Once that is done the game begins anew with a new victim and his family. My h’s ow has done this at least twice and maybe more - destroyed a marriage and a family. He is at least her 3rd victim and not likely he will be the last either.
I realize this doesn’t absolve h from his responsibility and he will have to face that some day. He had the choice to take those first steps with her or turn away but in his extremely depressed condition he was a sitting duck for an experienced manipulator like this disordered women. Her radar would have picked up his vulnerability from a mile away. He just needed to feel some relief from the pain of his depression and she had all the right things to say. The day he flew off to the reunion where he met her, I was very concerned about his state of mind and wondered if he should even go. He didn’t really want to either but went in the end because the tickets were already paid for. It was a life changing decision if there ever was one. And yeah,,, if not her then someone else,,, but I can’t help but wonder if that’s true. And please,,, I know there is full blame that falls on his shoulders as well. I’m just pointing out the compassionate view of what happened in the beginning and how he slid down that very slippery slope. If he knew what he knows now, this would not be what he wanted and he would have stepped away from this dangerous situation.
So on to my 2nd session yesterday which was very productive. After 2 weeks of contemplating and being brutally honest with myself, I was still strongly leaning for the clean break of Option A. But I was confused - very confused. If I wanted this clean break then why am I having a difficult time just letting go? I don’t really see us together again, nor do I particularly want that either, despite my love for him and compassion for this sad MLC he's in. It felt like I was done,,, but not done at the same time. Darn it anyway,,, it’s that not done aspect that keeps me entangled when I don’t want to be entangled. It’s hard to explain but I’m sure many of you can relate. My desire for Option A had nothing to do with how I was treated or what a jerk he is or any of that. It was more about me and what I wanted for my life which was a normal life with peace and contentment. I haven’t felt that for 3 years now and I miss it and want it back. So why was I allowing myself to still be in the midst of h’s mlc mess. I didn’t understand it because I could NOT see us back together despite wanting that a lot of the time. I truly felt stuck - can’t let go but pretty sure I’m done. wtf, you know?
We talked for an hour and toward the end of the session the psychologist had a theory about that and ran it by me. Her theory struck home so directly and I was almost immediately in tears. She had uncovered something I instantly knew was holding me back but hadn’t consciously acknowledged.
What was her theory? I have became a procrastinator on facing the inevitable pain of a final breakup,,, I just kept putting it off for the time being because I know on some level I will be devastated all over again,,, at the final goodbye and the final ending. I allowed myself to stay stuck in the mlc muck and triangle with h and ow because I had so much fear about what lay ahead and how much it was going to hurt. Every final ending brings pain and I had already had enough pain for a few lifetimes and I didn't want any more. The only problem with refusing to face it, is that it keeps me stuck. To break free I have to face it and deal with it. There is great fear in me about how I will handle the emotional bomb I am about to unleash on myself. Somewhere in my psyche I know the pain will be another huge trauma. I am as fearful of facing that as I would be undergoing open heart surgery without anaesthetic. It would be a lot easier if I allowed myself to have some kind of friendship with h or stay in touch and have a drink together once in awhile but that isn't a clean break and would also keep me stuck. The best thing for me is a clean break,, no looking back, no contact, no nothing, otherwise the peace will not come.
So I will continue to see this psychologist. She said at the end of the session to not let fear stop me from moving toward what I want for myself despite the inevitable pain that it will bring. She will help me with that and believes I will make a successful transition. I am sure she is right.
So what’s it going to be? Option A or B?
OPTION A. Despite the remaining love and compassion I have for my h, and predictions that he will one day want to come home, and everything else related to that, I am no longer willing to sacrifice any more of my life to his MLC than I already have. If he returns the challenges would be far from over and I have doubts that we would survive that at all. I just don’t see myself surviving the reconnecting and reconciling years. So it’s Option A all the way.
Now that I have more clarity on what I want for myself and that the only way to get it is through Option A,,, I have great peace with my decision and I am so glad I took these last 2 weeks to be certain.
The unfortunate part,,, we are still owners of 2 houses that are not yet up for sale. H was all for selling both right away a week ago so I don’t know what the delay is now. To be honest I’d like to stay in one of the houses, sell the other one, and buy h out of his share. I’m not sure if this is now a bit scary for him as a clinger but he has taken an awfully long time to tell the realtor to write up the listing.
Roads with Forks and never ending decisions.
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