Skip to main content

Author Topic: My Story Roads with Forks and never ending decisions.

A
  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1021
  • Gender: Female
My Story Roads with Forks and never ending decisions.
#20: July 12, 2020, 04:43:51 PM
Well I’m back to properly respond.   I’m typing this on Pages,,, done with losing posts on HS. 

KIT,,, Yes, those clinger-ish behaviours kept me stuck because they gave me hope that his return and our reconciliation was just a matter of time.  Your H is a bit ahead of my h with respect to exiting the tunnel.   Right now mine has gone into a bit of a dark mode,,, like some of the MLC articles say - it get’s worse before it gets better.     It’s a welcome relief really and it will make my transition that much easier.    I have thought for a long time that your H and mine are similar in their contact styles.  I also think your H will attempt a return, just like mine.   I’m sure we will both see these return attempts eventually.   Too bad for my h, that I now what something different for my own life and it doesn’t include him.    After 3 years I had a last straw moment recently and I said to myself, “ENOUGH”.   And that was the end of my being stuck.   I’ve seen you very close to this point as well.   I’ve felt your pain through your posts, and your anger at how you’ve been treated over and over again.  I sense you are close to saying ‘enough’ and your H should be thinking very carefully about his choices when it comes to you and your S.   Nerissa makes a good point,,, they may be different when they return.   Different enough that the old dynamic you had is gone and possibly replaced with a new dynamic that isn’t compatible with marriage?  That’s as much to do with our own change as well as theirs.   

Alright,,enough of that, except this… God does have a plan for us,,, oh yes,,, and He says if your country ever gets it’s $h!te together, I can show up on your doorstep with Chocolate Croissants, Gelato, and a few bottles of Prosecco!   Can’t wait for that day, lol…   With enough Prosecco we can solve the worlds problems, right?

Stay strong and you also do what you have to do for you,,, which may be different that what I have to do for me.    You are the amazing one KIT.   You are a drop dead gorgeous head turner and you have the most beautiful spirit to go with it.   I was lucky enough to witness that in you last year and you deserve the very best.   Just remember that,, always.   

Tight Hugs and cheek kisses (through a mask, of course).   

Anon
xoxo
  • Logged
"This too shall pass.  It might pass like a kidney stone but it will pass."
"Don’t blame a clown for acting like a clown.  Instead, ask yourself why you keep going to the circus."

A
  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1021
  • Gender: Female
Roads with Forks and never ending decisions.
#21: July 12, 2020, 05:11:35 PM
Off Road,,, thanks for your reply.   You made me think.   I used to believe I would be taking the easy way out by walking away.   I was proud of my strength in standing.   Now that I’m walking away, I see it differently.    In my own case (not everyone’s), me staying put and standing was the weaker choice.   Especially in the last year or so.   All I was doing by ‘standing’ was procrastinating, delaying the inevitable, while praying for a miracle and proof that my standing was not for nothing.    Standing allowed me to delay the pain and grief of intentionally breaking up with him once and for all, even though he had already broken up with me long ago.     I had long periods of peace believing that one day all would be well with H and I.    I can honestly say that walking away, even though I know with absolute certainty that it is best for me, requires enormous strength.   I read somewhere just this morning that staying stuck is like standing on broken shards of glass but when you decide to move,  you are walking across those broken shards which is more painful but full healing is up ahead.   
  • Logged
"This too shall pass.  It might pass like a kidney stone but it will pass."
"Don’t blame a clown for acting like a clown.  Instead, ask yourself why you keep going to the circus."

A
  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1021
  • Gender: Female
Roads with Forks and never ending decisions.
#22: July 12, 2020, 05:24:46 PM
Thanks Standing,,,, I believe you very wise when you say,  “Most people will take the easier of two roads (or the perceived easier of two roads).”    Early in my LBS journey, I did take the easier of two roads.   Back then I wouldn’t have survived a walk down the other road, except I never saw it that way back then.   I always thought at least one of us in this marriage was willing to sacrifice to restore the marriage.  I was the better one, the stronger one, the smarter one,,, because I would do anything to restore the marriage.   Now I just see myself as the stupid one.  That may be a bit harsh, lol.    I had good intentions but beneath all of it was an avoidance of facing the dreaded pain of really letting go… for good.   For many LBS this may NOT be their motive for standing ,,,, but it was my motive.   It took awhile but I am now ready to embrace that pain,, or walk across those shards of glass because I want what lies beyond.   
  • Logged
« Last Edit: July 12, 2020, 05:26:27 PM by Anon »
"This too shall pass.  It might pass like a kidney stone but it will pass."
"Don’t blame a clown for acting like a clown.  Instead, ask yourself why you keep going to the circus."

C
  • ***
  • Full Member
  • Posts: 150
  • Gender: Female
Re: Roads with Forks and never ending decisions.
#23: July 13, 2020, 05:57:42 AM
Catching up Anon.

I'll be honest, I had the same motives for standing as you did. Sometimes even now, when the reality bites too hard, I retreat back to the comfort of the standing community and their soothing words. It always sets me back but when I'm in that space I don't feel pain and have lots of hope.

Your courage is incredible, really inspiring. I have a great deal of respect for you in this. You've looked in the situation very squarely in the eyes and held its stare, you're not dropping your gaze. You're being completely honest and authentic with yourself, which can be the hardest thing to do.
  • Logged
The more relaxed you are, the better you are at everything: the better you are with your loved ones, the better you are with your enemies, the better you are at your job, the better you are with yourself. - Bill Murray

K
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 5547
  • Gender: Female
Roads with Forks and never ending decisions.
#24: July 13, 2020, 08:36:58 AM
Alright,,enough of that, except this… God does have a plan for us,,, oh yes,,, and He says if your country ever gets it’s $h!te together, I can show up on your doorstep with Chocolate Croissants, Gelato, and a few bottles of Prosecco!   Can’t wait for that day, lol…   With enough Prosecco we can solve the worlds problems, right?


Sounds like a plan to me! Of course not only am I in the bad country right now, but my county is one of the worst. But yes we must make plans soon my friend. You really do sound so grounded. I know it is still painful, but you are moving forward.  I'll update my thread, but my H is still in the height of replay, with no end in sight.  It's just getting old.  I know you get it.

And thanks for the compliments, but they go right back to you. You deserve the best! I know both of our H's will forever regret these massive mistakes. But if they can't, or won't even try to fix themselves, there is no hope of any possible relationship at all.
  • Logged
Me 49
H 47
S13
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

A
  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1021
  • Gender: Female
Roads with Forks and never ending decisions.
#25: July 17, 2020, 11:29:55 AM
What is going on and why am I confused and hurt all over again?   Just wrapped up 3 years since BD and now into year 4.   For ALL of that time, h has been a close contacter, boomerang, maybe even clinging boomerang.   

Since the 3rd anniversary,,, he has drastically changed.   Suddenly wants a divorce (in the new year), after insisting he doesn't want one,  didn't want to sell the houses but now suddenly he wants to go ahead,  promised to stay on mtg if I need his signature to stay in one of the houses, and now doesn't want to do it.  Probably because he and ow are about to buy another place in her city (2000 miles away).    Contact has gone from a few times a week to almost nothing, except if it's about the house sale.   Suddenly, is more cold toward me than not, shows not a shred of interest in even simple conversation.    I put a boundary in place around that time about contact but I didn't expect him to embrace it so totally.   In fact, I don't think the boundary has anything to do with the new distant behavior. 

I am hurting about the looming final end to our relationship, selling our property, cutting all ties.   It's what I need and want, but it still hurts and will until I adjust.    H on the other hand, seems fine for the most part except for telling me briefly that he didn't sleep well for a week when considering to sell or not sell, and then once he decided to go ahead, sighed and said "It's quite a mess, isn't it?".    What on earth did that mean? 

I shouldn't care in the least.   I must follow my Plan A to have my peace but it just feels like - well 2 things:
1.   Plan A was coming whether I wanted it or not.    It's the direction h is moving toward himself and might even beat me to it.   
2.  I've been dumped all over again, just when I was about to dump him.   Maybe I should initiate the divorce instead of leaving it for h to do.   At least I will not give him or ow the satisfaction of sticking it to me again. 

Why does it feel like ow has won?   I don't mean she's won because she successfully pulled my h away from me, but she's won because I wonder if winning to her was some kind of contest win between her and I.    As far as winning my h?  She didn't win anything but a sad, confused man who has nothing of value to offer her or really anyone in his current state of mind.   

I really didn't expect any confusion about my Plan A.     I'm not sure if it's confusion or if I'm just hurt because there is no resistance coming from him suddenly.   He seems to be deeper into the mlc tunnel than I've ever seen him.   I'd like to say I'm not worried about that, but it seems I am somehow. 



   
  • Logged
"This too shall pass.  It might pass like a kidney stone but it will pass."
"Don’t blame a clown for acting like a clown.  Instead, ask yourself why you keep going to the circus."

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 10711
  • Gender: Female
Roads with Forks and never ending decisions.
#26: July 17, 2020, 11:50:03 AM
All normal, Anon.
It's about those last bits of attachment imho.
Knowing what is good for us, even being slightly excited by the liberation from a tough situation, does not mean that there is not a sense of reality biting which is also painful perhaps.

Fwiw usually we hurt again bc we have some lurking expectation of some sort I think. Either of ourselves or of them. Sometimes we don't even know an expectation is there maybe until it hurts. Like realising there is a rose thorn in your finger when you touch something. Something in you sounds as if you feel that you are 'losing' in some way with your plan A when tbh from the cheap seats here it sounds as if you are freeing yourself from what has already been lost....and taking back more control over your own life and future life.

Jmo but you sound as if you are letting those brain monkeys do a bit of a jig. You don't know what your h thinks actually. Or probably what is going on in his life or with ow. You only know why you chose Plan A, that your h is AWOL, how it serves your interests and indeed if you are starting to be ready to take other actions like filing. Perhaps it is as simple as wishing that your h would fight against your wish to move forward unencumbered by these last links....and feeling sad that he is not. Feelings are not facts of course....but I'd gently suggest with love and a hug that it's normal to feel how you feel and that you know from experience that these patches pass.xxx
  • Logged
« Last Edit: July 17, 2020, 11:52:52 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

M
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 3613
  • Gender: Female
Re: Roads with Forks and never ending decisions.
#27: July 17, 2020, 03:48:06 PM
Anon, choosing plan A was going to be hard. Of course you're going to have sad days like this. Then your H not contacting you, has left you wanting him a little again. It's that push-pull reaction.

I imagine your H is down in the tunnel again. It happened with my H too at some point, where I thought he'd had a couple of little awakenings, was drawing closer, and then poof he was off deeper into the tunnel than ever. Which just means your H is going to do more of the same stuff he's been doing these past years. Nothing has really changed. But it hurts when we are snubbed.

Refocus on why you were choosing plan A. Try not to think of your H and his plans, try to turn your attention only to yourself. Whatever he does should not have an effect your decision.
  • Logged
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 3945
  • Gender: Female
Roads with Forks and never ending decisions.
#28: July 17, 2020, 08:01:06 PM

I'm not sure if it's confusion or if I'm just hurt because there is no resistance coming from him suddenly. 
This right here is very difficult to deal with. It's one thing for us to decide for ourselves what we need. It's another when there is no one to say,"No, please don't go. I don't really want to be done."

For the MLC clinger, he gets the safety net of the LBS still "being around". The LBS, on the other hand, never gets to see that the clinging behavior is not for the LBS.  If you were standing with expectations, then you never really detached from the relationship. Expect that this will be difficult. You are still bonded.

Your Plan A is still your plan A, regardless of whatever your H is doing. There is Plan A.1 where you get to stay in a house for an indeterminate amount of time . There is plan A.2 where you don't. (I vote for A.2, but I'm pretty sure  you weren't asking for votes) As long as you are ready for either of those Plan A options, it will help you a lot. It doesn't mean you won't be upset or sad or angry or all of the above, because you probably will.  It's ok to be sad and angry and confused.  This is a sad time.

The H you knew is still lost at the moment. The person you need to take care of is you. One thing at a time.
  • Logged
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

A
  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1021
  • Gender: Female
Roads with Forks and never ending decisions.
#29: July 18, 2020, 01:11:46 PM
Treasur
Quote
Fwiw usually we hurt again bc we have some lurking expectation of some sort I think.
Oh yes,, not expectations that he return but expectations that he might feel SOMETHING about the end of our 24 years of knowing each other, best friends, husband/wife.   Does he feel anything other than a slight pang here and there?  I've heard that those who leave abruptly for another person are so distracted by the intense focus on the other person they just don't feel much of anything for us.  At least for now.   All they have done is set aside their grief, but eventually it will erupt and they will be overwhelmed with it.   I'm not sure I believe that but supposedly when normal people end even a bad marriage when both want out, they still experience grief.   One day I really, really hope my h will have to deal with ongoing waves of delayed grief.  I hope he might finally get a glimpse of what he's so casually done to me, and I hope it haunts him for the rest of his life.  That's vindictive but right now all I what to say is - so what, too bad, it's what I feel.   They deserve to experience some of the pain they caused us even if it's just a fraction of what we went through. 
Quote
Something in you sounds as if you feel that you are 'losing' in some way with your plan A
I don't know about this.   I know Plan A is what's best and I also want Plan A.   It's a ways off and that bugs me.  I'm guessing 6 months before I can disconnect the remaining ties.   The contact I still have with h does set me back and I know it.   I just can't stand to hear or see the 'happy' act that he's been showing me lately.  It bugs me because once again,, it is obvious to me that he really has not suffered much or at all because our marriage ended.   How is that even possible?
Quote
Perhaps it is as simple as wishing that your h would fight against your wish to move forward unencumbered by these last links....and feeling sad that he is not.

Yep, you nailed it.   If he resisted I would think he actually felt something like grief or sadness but he is just way too okay with it all.    I'm grieving the last days of a 24 yr long relationship with someone I loved deeply and he is not shedding even one tear.   If he did, I would feel better and believe that those 24 yrs actually meant something to him once upon a time.   I am pretty angry at myself for all the slack I cut for him thinking the poor guy was suffering this horrible MLC and believing that I could make it all better one day. 

Milly
Quote
Anon, choosing plan A was going to be hard. Of course you're going to have sad days like this. Then your H not contacting you, has left you wanting him a little again. It's that push-pull reaction.
Yes, I knew it was likely to be hard and it is.   There is still the grief but it's quickly being taken over by a sudden appearance of Anger which has been mostly absent until lately.   This is now the 4th summer I've not fully enjoyed because of the never-ending fallout of his MLC.  And it's the 4th summer he's had lots of summer things going on with ow.   I don't know that I want him even a little bit, but what I do want is for an end to the emotion pain that still lingers, an end to the anger, and an end to every other feeling I'm dealing with right now.   It's a major processing and grieving that I think I've put off because I was a stander.   Standing helped me delay facing what had to be faced.  I could put it off until next week, month, or year and just let him 'twist in the wind' while his MLC played out.  There was nothing to face while I was standing and I liked that a little too much. 

Offroad
Quote
If you were standing with expectations, then you never really detached from the relationship."
"There is Plan A.1 where you get to stay in a house for an indeterminate amount of time . There is plan A.2 where you don't. (I vote for A.2, but I'm pretty sure  you weren't asking for votes)
I also vote for A.2 Offroad - it's the one with no remaining ties and the best chance to one day put this all in the past.   And yeah,,, I can't disagree that while standing I very likely did have expectations and I probably wasn't as detached as I thought either.   It's why this is Plan A is so darn painful to carry out.   The only good thing is the Plan actually leads to the other side where there is freedom, while Plan B just delays and keeps me stuck.

Thanks you guys.   I'm grateful to have a sounding board and even more grateful to hear from people who go through this hell called MLC.   No one really gets it other than another LBS.   I do NOT talk about this stuff to anyone in RL - they would just think I'm crazy to not be fully healed after 3 years.   
  • Logged
"This too shall pass.  It might pass like a kidney stone but it will pass."
"Don’t blame a clown for acting like a clown.  Instead, ask yourself why you keep going to the circus."

 

Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.