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Author Topic: My Story Where Do I Start and what should I do

B
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My Story Where Do I Start and what should I do
OP: June 22, 2020, 09:56:43 PM
Hi All,

I am just looking to get some feedback on how to view everything. My wife dropped the bomb about two weeks ago and I had no idea it was coming. After nineteen years and two wonderful kids it has completely rocked me. I am a resilient person and regardless of how things play out I will pick myself up and do well. We have so many amazing memories together and I just wasn’t seeing her was what she said. Plus lots and lots of other things that seemed like they were coming from a completely different person. I come from a simple happy family my W from a more complex home life as a child. I am looking for your wisdom and guidance on how to hold it all together.
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t
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Re: Where Do I Start and what should I do
#1: June 22, 2020, 10:09:47 PM
Welcome and Benson, I’m sorry for your circumstances.

Others will chime in soon and may ask for more details that can shape how we can help you. My reflexive answer is to read here a lot, but beyond that, keep breathing and be sure to take care of yourself as much as possible.

This is a great community full of varied stories, and yours may help others, so feel free to tell it as much as you need to.

You’ve just had fresh bad news, and it can be tough to find a balance early on. Grief is natural; cry it out as needed. People here understand.

Old Pilot and others will be along with more info.

Welcome, let us know more as you feel ready to tell it.
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B
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Where Do I Start and what should I do
#2: June 22, 2020, 10:51:58 PM
Hi Terra,

Thanks so much for your kind reply. To give a little more information my W and I have never had fights. My son 17 now knows  but my little angel our sensitive 15 year old daughter does not. Although we have slept in separate bedrooms for two years because of my snoring and her sleep apnea this is the only thing that would have stood out to the kids. We have had amazing holidays and many fun family things we do together. She says I stopped loving you years ago but she has hidden it well and much of her behaviour seems classic MLC from what I am reading ???
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Where Do I Start and what should I do
#3: June 22, 2020, 11:24:47 PM
Hi Benson. Welcome and I am sorry you find yourself in this situation. Tell us more about the situation. Do not be surprised when she continues to rewrite history. A lot of us got" haven't loved you for a year, then years, then 10 years, then we should never have gotten married", as if all the good times we had meant nothing.

How are you holding up?
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When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

B
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Where Do I Start and what should I do
#4: June 22, 2020, 11:36:59 PM
Hey Off Road,

Thanks for your message. I am holding up all right and trying to remain positive. Yeah the re writing history bit is a big surprise.
I have always had quite demanding jobs but have been a very dedicated husband and father. If anything a bit to easy going and always have said yes to anything she wanted. We have had some big family holidays over the years and always overseas so one comment really blew me away and that was that planning all these great holidays in detail was a distraction to repress her emotions and stop her from leaving me .That stuff really hurts but I am a newbie here and I am sure many men and women on here have head worse and suffered more.
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Where Do I Start and what should I do
#5: June 23, 2020, 04:09:39 AM
Hi Benson,

Yeah, the planning of all these holidays was just to keep her mind off the problems, right? So she didn't EVER have ANY fun on ANY of those holidays EVER, right?

Revisionist History and Alternative facts....

The "Separate bedrooms because of snoring" is one I am also familiar with but if she has sleep apnea, that is also usually associated with her own snoring as far as I know.... so it sounds to be a bit of a red herring.... If your W is a low-energy type, it could be that she headed off into the tunnel about that time then but no one can say that for sure... I doubt highly if you just suddenly started snoring 2 years ago, right?

The "long suffering in silence" spouse is a typical script, particularly for the female Mid-Lifers. Then comes the "You never.... " and "you always...." absolutes.

I'm really sorry that you had to find us but glad in some ways that you did.

Please take a look at some of the links in my tag line as they provide links to some articles here that are crucial to get your head around early on.

Depending on what kind of mid-lifer you have (low- vs. High-Energy) things may move VERY suddenly and swiftly. Mid-Lifers can spend money like water goes over Niagara Falls so keep an eye on any joint finances (like a hawk).  Also be prepared for the revelation of an affair... I know, I know "my spouse would NEVER do that/isn't having an affair." All I can say is that many of us believed the same thing until we were confronted with the ugly reality.

What plans, if any, has she made in terms of finding her own place to live, etc.?  One thing I would be adamant about (I wasn't and paid the price) was that, this is HER choice to leave so she should be the one to leave and she does NOT get the option of taking the kids with her. If she chooses to leave, she is 100% responsible for her actions and all the consequences that result from her actions.

Depending on what moves she chooses to make, you might want to seriously consider getting your financial and legal ducks in a row, finding out what options are available to you in terms of support, etc.

I don't want to sound like Debby Downer but the reality is that, once the Mid-Lifer heads off into the fog, the marriage as you knew it is pretty well dead and gone. As the Mid-Lifer goes through the stages of their crisis, they will change... So will you as an LBS - you too will grow and make changes in your own life.  Therefore, if you DO end up reconciling, the marriage is going to be VERY different than it was.... More like a totally new relationship. After all, one doesn't make the trip to Hades and back without acquiring transferable skills.....

Something that is critical to keep in your mind is that this is HER crisis, not yours. This crisis has NOTHING to do with either you or your marriage but rather with some issues form her past that have not been dealt with in a healthy manner. There is nothing that you can really do to influence the path her crisis takes, any more than you can influence the path of a tornado by standing outside, waving your arms and yelling at it.

Your main "job" now, if you will, is to make sure that you and your kids come through this time as unscathed as possible. They are going to be looking at you for support. Their world, as they knew it, is about to be shattered into a million pieces and they will be in dire need of some sort of stabilty. That is another reason that I say, if she wants to leave, she can leave and find other living arrangements. Naturally, if your mortgage is in both your names and there is little to know equity, the odds are bad that one of you can buy the other out but that is a bridge to cross if needed.....

OldPilot will come soon with his welcome message that has a LOT more links to other information about MLC, being the LBS, and all that it entails but the "Survival Guide for Newbies" that is linked in my tagline is a good place to start.

Make sure that you are eating right, drinking enough water, and sleeping (as difficult as that may be) to keep up your own reserves and strength.....

UM
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« Last Edit: June 23, 2020, 04:15:38 AM by UrsaMajor »
Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Where Do I Start and what should I do
#6: June 23, 2020, 05:45:12 AM
Sorry you are here Benson but glad you found us....there are some good folks here who have walked in your shoes and we get it.

UM knows what he is talking about imho. It's a bit like waking up to a zombie apocalypse isn't it?
Your brain is trying to make sense of it and can't. It doesn't seem normal for your w....and it may not even feel normal for normal folks if some of the textbook extra MLC stuff starts. Sorry  ::)
But please hang on to the simple fact that it is not your crisis and you are not mad. And that your w is going to do and say things that were previously unimaginable to you so you need to change your expectations. Sounds silly but it helps.

And just like those heroes in the zombie apocalypse movies, a lot of UM's advice is the equivalent of grabbing your kids and some survival stuff and heading off to a safe cabin while you figure out what to do later. We all get a bit lost in our brains debating the equivalent of 'why are there zombies on my lawn?' - it's normal - but focusing on the basic stuff will probably serve you better right now.
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« Last Edit: June 23, 2020, 05:46:50 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Where Do I Start and what should I do
#7: June 23, 2020, 02:12:21 PM
Welcome to our little corner of cyber space, Benson.  I'm sorry you landed here but you'll find folks who have walked this walk and will offer you wisdom, encouragement and lots of support.   

Post as often as you'd like.  There is always somebody available to post and respond to you. 
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After all, tomorrow is another day.

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Where Do I Start and what should I do
#8: June 23, 2020, 03:39:12 PM
Howdy Benson

Sorry you’re here, but it helps to talk about our personal storm(s).  This site has excellent resources and its founder is nothing short of brilliant. 

Another excellent resource I’ve found is www.affairrecovery.com.  Lots of videos of various MLCers (especially Samuel) who have come out the other side.   

Hang in there and post often!
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« Last Edit: June 23, 2020, 04:19:20 PM by megogirl »

B
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Where Do I Start and what should I do
#9: June 23, 2020, 05:28:51 PM
Wow
Thank you all so much . Hearing wisdom from clearly intelligent and emotionally intelligent people is a real comfort. It is like an alternate universe and everything has been tipped upsid3 down. I had never had any serious health issues but last weekend had a kidney stone so have been iin hospital with that this week. Don’t know if the body just ceases up a little in response but that is the least of my problems. U M the comments on the holidays are so true . How do you not enjoy a cruise to the Bahamas with your beautiful kids even if your secretly loathed husband was there as well.
I will look at the links and drink water and also STAY IN MY HOUSE as my teenagers need a calm and focussed parent at the moment.

Love to you all . I really appreciate your warmth and wisdom as it does feel like I have textbook MLC wife on my hands.
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