Skip to main content

Author Topic: My Story Where Do I Start and what should I do

B
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 39
  • Gender: Male
My Story Where Do I Start and what should I do
OP: June 22, 2020, 09:56:43 PM
Hi All,

I am just looking to get some feedback on how to view everything. My wife dropped the bomb about two weeks ago and I had no idea it was coming. After nineteen years and two wonderful kids it has completely rocked me. I am a resilient person and regardless of how things play out I will pick myself up and do well. We have so many amazing memories together and I just wasn’t seeing her was what she said. Plus lots and lots of other things that seemed like they were coming from a completely different person. I come from a simple happy family my W from a more complex home life as a child. I am looking for your wisdom and guidance on how to hold it all together.
  • Logged

t
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 454
  • Gender: Female
Re: Where Do I Start and what should I do
#1: June 22, 2020, 10:09:47 PM
Welcome and Benson, I’m sorry for your circumstances.

Others will chime in soon and may ask for more details that can shape how we can help you. My reflexive answer is to read here a lot, but beyond that, keep breathing and be sure to take care of yourself as much as possible.

This is a great community full of varied stories, and yours may help others, so feel free to tell it as much as you need to.

You’ve just had fresh bad news, and it can be tough to find a balance early on. Grief is natural; cry it out as needed. People here understand.

Old Pilot and others will be along with more info.

Welcome, let us know more as you feel ready to tell it.
  • Logged

B
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 39
  • Gender: Male
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#2: June 22, 2020, 10:51:58 PM
Hi Terra,

Thanks so much for your kind reply. To give a little more information my W and I have never had fights. My son 17 now knows  but my little angel our sensitive 15 year old daughter does not. Although we have slept in separate bedrooms for two years because of my snoring and her sleep apnea this is the only thing that would have stood out to the kids. We have had amazing holidays and many fun family things we do together. She says I stopped loving you years ago but she has hidden it well and much of her behaviour seems classic MLC from what I am reading ???
  • Logged

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 3823
  • Gender: Female
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#3: June 22, 2020, 11:24:47 PM
Hi Benson. Welcome and I am sorry you find yourself in this situation. Tell us more about the situation. Do not be surprised when she continues to rewrite history. A lot of us got" haven't loved you for a year, then years, then 10 years, then we should never have gotten married", as if all the good times we had meant nothing.

How are you holding up?
  • Logged
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

B
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 39
  • Gender: Male
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#4: June 22, 2020, 11:36:59 PM
Hey Off Road,

Thanks for your message. I am holding up all right and trying to remain positive. Yeah the re writing history bit is a big surprise.
I have always had quite demanding jobs but have been a very dedicated husband and father. If anything a bit to easy going and always have said yes to anything she wanted. We have had some big family holidays over the years and always overseas so one comment really blew me away and that was that planning all these great holidays in detail was a distraction to repress her emotions and stop her from leaving me .That stuff really hurts but I am a newbie here and I am sure many men and women on here have head worse and suffered more.
  • Logged

  • *
  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 10256
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone. You are NOT a pizza!
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#5: June 23, 2020, 04:09:39 AM
Hi Benson,

Yeah, the planning of all these holidays was just to keep her mind off the problems, right? So she didn't EVER have ANY fun on ANY of those holidays EVER, right?

Revisionist History and Alternative facts....

The "Separate bedrooms because of snoring" is one I am also familiar with but if she has sleep apnea, that is also usually associated with her own snoring as far as I know.... so it sounds to be a bit of a red herring.... If your W is a low-energy type, it could be that she headed off into the tunnel about that time then but no one can say that for sure... I doubt highly if you just suddenly started snoring 2 years ago, right?

The "long suffering in silence" spouse is a typical script, particularly for the female Mid-Lifers. Then comes the "You never.... " and "you always...." absolutes.

I'm really sorry that you had to find us but glad in some ways that you did.

Please take a look at some of the links in my tag line as they provide links to some articles here that are crucial to get your head around early on.

Depending on what kind of mid-lifer you have (low- vs. High-Energy) things may move VERY suddenly and swiftly. Mid-Lifers can spend money like water goes over Niagara Falls so keep an eye on any joint finances (like a hawk).  Also be prepared for the revelation of an affair... I know, I know "my spouse would NEVER do that/isn't having an affair." All I can say is that many of us believed the same thing until we were confronted with the ugly reality.

What plans, if any, has she made in terms of finding her own place to live, etc.?  One thing I would be adamant about (I wasn't and paid the price) was that, this is HER choice to leave so she should be the one to leave and she does NOT get the option of taking the kids with her. If she chooses to leave, she is 100% responsible for her actions and all the consequences that result from her actions.

Depending on what moves she chooses to make, you might want to seriously consider getting your financial and legal ducks in a row, finding out what options are available to you in terms of support, etc.

I don't want to sound like Debby Downer but the reality is that, once the Mid-Lifer heads off into the fog, the marriage as you knew it is pretty well dead and gone. As the Mid-Lifer goes through the stages of their crisis, they will change... So will you as an LBS - you too will grow and make changes in your own life.  Therefore, if you DO end up reconciling, the marriage is going to be VERY different than it was.... More like a totally new relationship. After all, one doesn't make the trip to Hades and back without acquiring transferable skills.....

Something that is critical to keep in your mind is that this is HER crisis, not yours. This crisis has NOTHING to do with either you or your marriage but rather with some issues form her past that have not been dealt with in a healthy manner. There is nothing that you can really do to influence the path her crisis takes, any more than you can influence the path of a tornado by standing outside, waving your arms and yelling at it.

Your main "job" now, if you will, is to make sure that you and your kids come through this time as unscathed as possible. They are going to be looking at you for support. Their world, as they knew it, is about to be shattered into a million pieces and they will be in dire need of some sort of stabilty. That is another reason that I say, if she wants to leave, she can leave and find other living arrangements. Naturally, if your mortgage is in both your names and there is little to know equity, the odds are bad that one of you can buy the other out but that is a bridge to cross if needed.....

OldPilot will come soon with his welcome message that has a LOT more links to other information about MLC, being the LBS, and all that it entails but the "Survival Guide for Newbies" that is linked in my tagline is a good place to start.

Make sure that you are eating right, drinking enough water, and sleeping (as difficult as that may be) to keep up your own reserves and strength.....

UM
  • Logged
« Last Edit: June 23, 2020, 04:15:38 AM by UrsaMajor »
Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 10340
  • Gender: Female
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#6: June 23, 2020, 05:45:12 AM
Sorry you are here Benson but glad you found us....there are some good folks here who have walked in your shoes and we get it.

UM knows what he is talking about imho. It's a bit like waking up to a zombie apocalypse isn't it?
Your brain is trying to make sense of it and can't. It doesn't seem normal for your w....and it may not even feel normal for normal folks if some of the textbook extra MLC stuff starts. Sorry  ::)
But please hang on to the simple fact that it is not your crisis and you are not mad. And that your w is going to do and say things that were previously unimaginable to you so you need to change your expectations. Sounds silly but it helps.

And just like those heroes in the zombie apocalypse movies, a lot of UM's advice is the equivalent of grabbing your kids and some survival stuff and heading off to a safe cabin while you figure out what to do later. We all get a bit lost in our brains debating the equivalent of 'why are there zombies on my lawn?' - it's normal - but focusing on the basic stuff will probably serve you better right now.
  • Logged
« Last Edit: June 23, 2020, 05:46:50 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

s
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 4655
  • Gender: Female
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#7: June 23, 2020, 02:12:21 PM
Welcome to our little corner of cyber space, Benson.  I'm sorry you landed here but you'll find folks who have walked this walk and will offer you wisdom, encouragement and lots of support.   

Post as often as you'd like.  There is always somebody available to post and respond to you. 
  • Logged
BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

m
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 3354
  • Gender: Female
  • "You must do the thing you think you can not do."
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#8: June 23, 2020, 03:39:12 PM
Howdy Benson

Sorry you’re here, but it helps to talk about our personal storm(s).  This site has excellent resources and its founder is nothing short of brilliant. 

Another excellent resource I’ve found is www.affairrecovery.com.  Lots of videos of various MLCers (especially Samuel) who have come out the other side.   

Hang in there and post often!
  • Logged
« Last Edit: June 23, 2020, 04:19:20 PM by megogirl »

B
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 39
  • Gender: Male
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#9: June 23, 2020, 05:28:51 PM
Wow
Thank you all so much . Hearing wisdom from clearly intelligent and emotionally intelligent people is a real comfort. It is like an alternate universe and everything has been tipped upsid3 down. I had never had any serious health issues but last weekend had a kidney stone so have been iin hospital with that this week. Don’t know if the body just ceases up a little in response but that is the least of my problems. U M the comments on the holidays are so true . How do you not enjoy a cruise to the Bahamas with your beautiful kids even if your secretly loathed husband was there as well.
I will look at the links and drink water and also STAY IN MY HOUSE as my teenagers need a calm and focussed parent at the moment.

Love to you all . I really appreciate your warmth and wisdom as it does feel like I have textbook MLC wife on my hands.
  • Logged

b
  • *
  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2420
  • Gender: Female
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#10: June 23, 2020, 05:44:07 PM
Welcome Benson!  Sorry your situation is so incredibly painful and shattering , we understand like few can. We have all had our spouses blindside us, re-write history and change into an unknown person and we come together here for shared wisdom , support and care . We are glad you found us !

Quote
Something that is critical to keep in your mind is that this is HER crisis, not yours. This crisis has NOTHING to do with either you or your marriage but rather with some issues form her past that have not been dealt with in a healthy manner. There is nothing that you can really do to influence the path her crisis takes, any more than you can influence the path of a tornado by standing outside, waving your arms and yelling at it.
.

These are my words exactly , written in an excellent fashion by UrsaMajor. They are worth repeating ...over and over . This has NOTHING to do with you , not your marriage and not your family. I know that may well be difficult to believe ...especially if your spouse is blaming you . But the fact is ( and I think you mentioned this ) many believe it is unresolved childhood trauma or issues that need to be dealt with. Other things contribute as well, but I am a firm believer in this theory . I think you mentioned that her childhood was "complex" , perhaps you can tell us a bit about that?

You have received great advise so far , so not to repeat . Please keep posting, take great care of YOU and your kids , read everything and remember ...this is NOT your fault and not something you can control in any way shape or form. Trust me .
  • Logged
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

  • *
  • MLCer Type: Vanisher
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 3284
  • Gender: Female
Re: Where Do I Start and what should I do
#11: June 23, 2020, 06:08:06 PM
For the sake of your sanity try to avoid asking her questions as you will either get, "I don´t know" or an outright lie. The lies will eat at your soul and so it´s not worth asking.

There are very few people here whose spouses have not gotten involved in either an emotional or physical affair. To protect yourself, assume she´s had unprotected sex with someone else.

If you need sleeping aids or anti-anxiety meds to get you through the first month or so, go see your primary doc. Sleep is critical for your and your teens´well-being.

Try to get into a nature setting every day.

Learn breathing techniques for self-calming- inhale through nose for a count of 2, exhale through nose for a count of at least 3 or 4. If super overwhelmed, pinch right nostril shut and breathe only through left nostril. All that puts you into the para-sympathetic pathway.

This will get worse before it gets better, take far longer than you can imagine BUT- you will go from surviving to thriving.
  • Logged
me 51
H 51
M 27
BD 1/15/ 10 then BD 8/21/10
D final 8/13

  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 49
  • Gender: Female
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#12: June 23, 2020, 09:15:25 PM
I'm sorry you've found yourself in this awful scenario.  So many of us have been told we were never loved, our spouse has been miserable for years, their problems and unhappiness are caused by us, etc, etc, etc.  These MLCers like to rewrite history and project their issues on us.

This is your wife's problem and it has nothing to do with you.  Once you start reading the other stories here, you'll be shocked by how the stories are all so similar.
  • Logged
~JustMe~
52
H 52
Married 25 years
4 kids @ home
BD 1- 5/2005 Moved out for 2 weeks
BD 2- 5/2011 Quit his job with no discussion, wanted to move across country without us but stayed & found a new job.
BD 3- 5/2016 Job transfer 2000 miles away, no discussion with me.
Returned- 8/2016.
BD 4- 9/2017  After telling me he no longer loved me, he started packing in the middle of the night.  I caught him & convinced him to stay.
BD 5- 1/2020  Told a series of lies.  Accepted job 2000 miles away& moved in with his dad.  Told me 36 hrs before leaving.  ILYBINILWY
No affair that I know of.
Calls 4-5 days/week. 
Started as monster on phone.  Has progressed to polite small talk about his work and sometimes the kids.
Still standing

  • *
  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 10256
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone. You are NOT a pizza!
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#13: June 24, 2020, 02:29:23 AM
Quote from: Benson
U M the comments on the holidays are so true . How do you not enjoy a cruise to the Bahamas with your beautiful kids even if your secretly loathed husband was there as well.

Let me put this in perspective......

If you secretly loath eating liver and onions, would you eat liver and onions every day for years just to keep up appearances of "Happy Family?"

I seriously doubt it......

THAT is revisionist history and "alternative facts."
  • Logged
Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

B
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 39
  • Gender: Male
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#14: June 28, 2020, 07:27:15 PM
Thanks UM,

That’s a great point about the Liver and Onions. I know deep down that most of our years have been great ones.
We have had some teenage issues with our two kids including a daughter with an eating disorder. My wife has been and is an incredible Mother but the rewriting of history bit is so true. We have never been fighters so had zero warning on the bomb drop.

My biggest question is whether I stay in the home or not. I have never been aggressive to wife or kids and I  am a gentle man.
With wife now taking any chance she can to go out with friends I think my stability is crucial in the family home. My mind set is to stay you have broken the family so you are the one that needs to leave the home. If she wants something new and different surely it won5 be found here in the nice comfortable home we have built together over almost 19 years.
  • Logged

  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1060
  • Gender: Male
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#15: June 28, 2020, 08:14:24 PM
Hi Benson,

Sorry you have to go thru this, but you're with friends now.
No matter what, in the end: It will be ok.

On your question about leaving: Don't do it.
If she leaves you can't stop her. If you leave, she will think/say that you abandoned her/them. So don't leave.
Now is the time for strength, and it will be a long time.

You said that you're a gentle and kind man. Good!!! Keep it up. She will do things to hurt you, she will do things to test you. She will try to get a reaction out of you (when it occurs to her that you exist).

There's going to be so much coming at you nonstop for a while. Very important that you come let all your emotions out and ask questions. There are no dumb questions, so don't worry about that.

Oh, one thing that does help: When it seems so bad, remember you only need to get thru today. Try not to think about things as a whole or the future, or anything all encompassing like that. Just today. It will have enough in it all by itself.

-SS
  • Logged
W - 39
M - 43
Together 25 years, M 22
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

  • *
  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 686
  • Gender: Male
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#16: June 28, 2020, 10:48:27 PM
So sorry for what you're going through Benson but I'm glad you found us. I can't begin to tell you how much help this community has been to me.

I don't have much to add except to encourage you to post as much as you need to. Rant, vent, ramble, journal, whatever you need to do. It really helps to sort things out. And no matter how BSC you think your situation is, some folks here will understand and relate in ways only we can. Ask a lot of questions on your thread and comment on other peoples' threads if you are able.

This experience is going to change you. I myself had a really rough journey at times. But, four years post BD, I can honestly say it has changed me for the better. I'm now kinder, wiser, less judgmental and (believe it or not) happier.

Be good to yourself and stay in touch!
  • Logged
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2: 2018 - FA
W moved out - June 2019
OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019
Divorce final - September 2019
Card-carrying member of the Iffer Party

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11537.new#new

  • *
  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 10256
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone. You are NOT a pizza!
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#17: June 29, 2020, 03:21:20 AM
On your question about leaving: Don't do it.
If she leaves you can't stop her. If you leave, she will think/say that you abandoned her/them. So don't leave.
Now is the time for strength, and it will be a long time.

You said that you're a gentle and kind man. Good!!! Keep it up. She will do things to hurt you, she will do things to test you. She will try to get a reaction out of you (when it occurs to her that you exist).

There's going to be so much coming at you nonstop for a while. Very important that you come let all your emotions out and ask questions. There are no dumb questions, so don't worry about that.

Oh, one thing that does help: When it seems so bad, remember you only need to get thru today. Try not to think about things as a whole or the future, or anything all encompassing like that. Just today. It will have enough in it all by itself.

THIS is VERY good advice..... I would change on minor detail and that is the last part... It may be that you'll need to reduce the time span to hours if the poop really smacks the rotational ventilator. This is an ultra-marathon, over which you have little to no control over anything outside of yourself.

However, on the subject of leaving the house, the answer is a simple and unequivocal NO.... MLCW wants out of the R, out of the marriage, wants to go out and party like a teenager.. Therefore she can move out, get her own apartment and live her own life... like a teenager.  The short version is, if MLCW wants out, then the door is free for her to exit but YOU are staying right where you are... She leaves, it is her choice and her consequences to deal with....

You have kids that need the stability of a stable, sane parent and a home in which there is a feeling of comfort and safety. They are going to need a strong shoulder at times and MLCW is NOT it.....
  • Logged
Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

D
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 489
  • Gender: Male
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#18: June 29, 2020, 04:53:06 AM
On your question about leaving: Don't do it.
If she leaves you can't stop her. If you leave, she will think/say that you abandoned her/them. So don't leave.
Now is the time for strength, and it will be a long time.

You said that you're a gentle and kind man. Good!!! Keep it up. She will do things to hurt you, she will do things to test you. She will try to get a reaction out of you (when it occurs to her that you exist).

There's going to be so much coming at you nonstop for a while. Very important that you come let all your emotions out and ask questions. There are no dumb questions, so don't worry about that.

Oh, one thing that does help: When it seems so bad, remember you only need to get thru today. Try not to think about things as a whole or the future, or anything all encompassing like that. Just today. It will have enough in it all by itself.

THIS is VERY good advice..... I would change on minor detail and that is the last part... It may be that you'll need to reduce the time span to hours if the poop really smacks the rotational ventilator. This is an ultra-marathon, over which you have little to no control over anything outside of yourself.

However, on the subject of leaving the house, the answer is a simple and unequivocal NO.... MLCW wants out of the R, out of the marriage, wants to go out and party like a teenager.. Therefore she can move out, get her own apartment and live her own life... like a teenager.  The short version is, if MLCW wants out, then the door is free for her to exit but YOU are staying right where you are... She leaves, it is her choice and her consequences to deal with....

You have kids that need the stability of a stable, sane parent and a home in which there is a feeling of comfort and safety. They are going to need a strong shoulder at times and MLCW is NOT it.....

Couldn't agree more.   I left about a year after BD, despite all the advice not to.  In retrospect, it was a huge mistake, although I felt it was right for everyone involved.  We are trying to wrap up the divorce currently.  Very sad for myself and my D9.  Do whatever you can, lean on God, or therapy, or friends and family, but dont leave no matter what she throws at you.  I'll never know what might have happened had I stayed, but it "feels" like we could have outlasted it. 
  • Logged
M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.
12/16/19  She files financial paperwork.  Divorce proceeding.

B
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 39
  • Gender: Male
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#19: June 29, 2020, 05:23:21 AM
Thanks everyone I am heartened by your support. Wife went very hard early with the push for me to leave.
I didn’t think I was wrong wanting to stay in the house that I not her put sizeable deposit into. Aside from that I am stable and reliable and I love every minute wit( bot( kids ,dog,cat and very the squawking birds. My biggest frustration is that no concerns were ever tabled so I had no chance to process this as a maybe. My vision was clear and that was walking hand in hand at our holiday place and watching our beautiful teens turn into adults and hopefully give us a few grand children one. day.

Adjusting to none of tha5 happening overnigh5/is a big MLCW bomb drop that is for sure.

I WiLL STAY IN HOUSE




  • Logged

  • *****
  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 13078
  • Gender: Male
Re: Where Do I Start and what should I do
#20: June 29, 2020, 05:37:49 AM
Welcome to the Board

You are in a good place.
Your H/W  is on his/her own journey.
You can not do anything to control this trip.
Come here and read or vent, we will listen.
Give your H/W space  he/she needs to heal himself/herself.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Your need to start working on you.
There is nothing that you can do to help your H/W.

He/She has given you a gift.
It is time!!

Use the time wisely to make yourself a better person.
Look in the mirror to see what it is that you can improve.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
GAL.

Read some books on depression. Both for yourself! And for H/W.
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

Read the resources from this site.
The links that are in my signature.

Detach. - The single most important thing you can do

The detach link and HB's 6 stages of MLC(rewritten from Jim Conway) located in the resources above.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4.msg380#msg380

Developing Detachment
http://jamesjmessina.com/toolsforcontrolissues/developdetachment.html

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_releasers_detach.html

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

RCR has asked everyone to keep to one thread until  that thread is 150 posts

Keep posting and asking questions and we will try to answer them.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
  • Logged

G
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 32
  • Gender: Female
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#21: June 29, 2020, 05:52:22 AM
Thanks everyone I am heartened by your support. Wife went very hard early with the push for me to leave.
I didn’t think I was wrong wanting to stay in the house that I not her put sizeable deposit into. Aside from that I am stable and reliable and I love every minute wit( bot( kids ,dog,cat and very the squawking birds. My biggest frustration is that no concerns were ever tabled so I had no chance to process this as a maybe. My vision was clear and that was walking hand in hand at our holiday place and watching our beautiful teens turn into adults and hopefully give us a few grand children one. day.

Adjusting to none of tha5 happening overnigh5/is a big MLCW bomb drop that is for sure.

I WiLL STAY IN HOUSE

Hi Benson,
I am new to the board and in my early days too. My H also never shared any concerns with me. He went from happy to wanting a divorce, 0 to 100 in 3 seconds flat.... there was barely an attempt to 'try' and work on things. It's crazy how these MLCers think. Hang in there, looks like we are in for a long ride!
  • Logged

B
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 39
  • Gender: Male
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#22: June 29, 2020, 08:50:12 PM
Hi OldPilot ,

They said that you would arrive and I thank you for your wisdom. I am glad that I have found th3 forum as it is comforting to read many others hav3 had a similar experience. Easy to begin doubting who you are and taking on some of the W. MLC comments and owning them.

Reading what I have since the Bomb was dropped I see clearly my wife is in MLC mode. Even I’f I accept that she hasn’t loved me for years so many of the harsh things she has said seem to be MLC speak.

I will look at the links you have provided at hom3 tonight.

Thanks Again So Much
  • Logged

  • *
  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 10256
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone. You are NOT a pizza!
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#23: June 30, 2020, 12:17:32 AM
Hi OldPilot ,
<...snip...>

Reading what I have since the Bomb was dropped I see clearly my wife is in MLC mode. Even I’f I accept that she hasn’t loved me for years so many of the harsh things she has said seem to be MLC speak.


Remember Liver and Onions?

Just because SHE is rewriting history doesn't mean that you need to as well....
  • Logged
Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 10340
  • Gender: Female
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#24: June 30, 2020, 01:07:09 AM
Hi OldPilot ,
<...snip...>

Reading what I have since the Bomb was dropped I see clearly my wife is in MLC mode. Even I’f I accept that she hasn’t loved me for years so many of the harsh things she has said seem to be MLC speak.


Remember Liver and Onions?

Just because SHE is rewriting history doesn't mean that you need to as well....

UM is right.
You may need to accept that she is saying this. You may need to accept that she even currently believes it. You will need to accept that she doesn't much care what you or anyone else thinks or feels. And you will gradually need to accept that you are no longer dealing with the same wife you knew, that you can't trust her as you did and that, regardless of what happens tbh, your marriage as you knew it is probably gone. All of those are tremendously hard things to accept.

But you sound like you have solid instincts, my friend.
If your m was how she says it was now, you wouldn't have been so shocked.
If this was just a gradual erosion of a m, your w wouldn't seem so much like an unrecognisable stranger. Or a bit nuts. ::)
And your instinct to not move out and to be the stable point for your kids is wise and sensible. Not necessarily going to be always easy to do but your instinct on this is spot on.

Have you taken legal advice?
Have you locked down some of the joint finances?
  • Logged
« Last Edit: June 30, 2020, 01:08:20 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

B
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 39
  • Gender: Male
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#25: June 30, 2020, 03:59:53 PM
Thanks Treasur. Good reaffirming words and I will listen to them. I appreciate having found this place.
  • Logged

  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Full Member
  • Posts: 236
  • Gender: Female
  • I never liked rollercoasters....
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#26: July 01, 2020, 01:02:10 AM
So sorry that you're going through this.  I'm about 18 months along the line from you, and this is not a short journey. 

Your mention that you were sleeping in separate rooms because of your snoring and her sleep apnea triggered me.  We also began to sleep in separate rooms because of "my snoring". Turns out that it was only an excuse because he could not bear to share a bed with me while he had someone else in his life.

Unfortunately these MLCers are full of lies, they change beyond recognition and they change their version of your previous life together to the point that you're wondering what on earth they're talking about.  They also see a lot of faults in you and tell you that this is why they're doing what they're doing now.   At some point later they come back to the old 'them', put them blame for all this squarely on themselves and accept that they were seeing everything in a black light.  There is not much I have been able to do to speed that process up - they need to do it themselves.  The advice you receive on this forum from the "old hands" is simply brilliant, and so many times I thought they were exaggerating or that something they say about MLC behaviour does not apply to me... and so many times I was wrong.

I wish you courage, strength and tons and tons of patience. The silver lining for me was that I went on a transformational journey myself. I grew so much, and now I know myself better and I am emotionally stronger than ever before.  Know that whatever happens you will be fine. 




  • Logged
January 2018 - 1st BD - "I'm not happy"
June 2019 - I discover existence of OW since November  2017. Lives on another continent
July 2019 - OW moves to live in my city. H has been taking minibreaks on our continent with her since the beginning.  
August 2019 - H on holiday with OW, despite ultimatum
September 2019 - H commits to leaving OW
November 2019 - OW moves back to her country (temporarily). Reconnection with me begins.
December 2019 - H resumes remote contact with OW.
January 2020 - H informs me he has broken up with OW. Continues seeing her anyway.
April-June 2020 - H moves home. While "rebuilding", H continues contact and some PA with OW (BD2).
July 2020 - H leaves home, fence-sits.

B
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 39
  • Gender: Male
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#27: July 01, 2020, 04:08:38 AM
Thanks Tinnat ,
Your marathon comments makes perfect sense. Actually feels like I am dealing with two people.
I am not pursuing her at all but in brief crucial text exchanges the occasional  pleasantry but face to face cold.
The  self focus on her only goal of getting me out of the comfortable house  is part of the cold act I guess.
The human mind is incredibly complex but to be able to cut off all the happy memories and re write them in her brain is bizarre.  W has a real passion for photography band around our house are beautiful large images of our kids and puppies are various stage from toddler to teen.  I look at those and my heart melts a little and I allow myself to tear up a little when alone.  I would never let her see me doing that  but incredible to me that  all that emotions is pushed aside by W. Very few people know but three people 1 W and 2M have all cried when told. The 2 guys said they thought we were the image of happy family and marriage . The tears really touched me bu5 also reminded me  just how crazy her actions are.
  • Logged

  • *
  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 23105
  • Gender: Female
Re: Where Do I Start and what should I do
#28: July 01, 2020, 04:42:37 AM
Benson,

It's ok to tear up once in awhile.  I think I cried for 2 months, never in front on him though.  I wish I had, had stock on the Kleenix company.   :)

It's incredible hard to see your spouse turn unto someone you no longer recognize, but their head is so screwed when they go into this crisis, the confusion is massive and it is all driven by depression, which you can do nothing about.  You did not cause it, you can not fix it. 

It will take you some time to detach from her and stop taking what she says personal, but you will get there.  I think you're doing good.

You have no reason to leave your home, so I'm glad you already made up your mind not to leave.  You and the kids just stay put. If she wants out bad enough she can go. 

Hang in there Benson.  Make some nice plans for you and the kids, go out and do things together.  Even if it's just getting outside for a walk or a picnic or a backyard BBQ.
Let her twist in the wind.

Hugs
  • Logged
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

G
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 32
  • Gender: Female
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#29: July 01, 2020, 05:11:48 AM
My H is the same Benson! Devoid of emotion. I mean he was never an emotional guy to begin with but he has barely shed a tear about us and our 20 year relationship. He cried when he told his parents, bc he was sad to disappoint them. H has always been the golden child. And he cried when he told the kids how much he loved them but would be moving out part time. Seemed like very superficial tears to me. But with me, nada! Says he is completely detached from me. It is truly bizarre!
  • Logged

  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 888
  • Gender: Male
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#30: July 01, 2020, 05:17:53 AM
Hi Benson,

Re, telling to people...   Even though the "standard" relationship advice is keep things of marriage inside marriage, I would say that one of the best decisions I made was getting out of closet and letting people around me know whats happening. For the first few months it was just my family and one really close friends, then I expanded the circle bit more telling few more friends, and then more friends, until upon decision of divorce I allowed everyone in my life know what's happening.....   The thing is... the more you tell, the more support you will get.  Many people will come in and share their own stories. Many people will touch you if you let them touch you. Many will express and show support one way or another (like helping with kids).... But for it to happen, you must share them your story and let them support & love you. They have no obligation to do so, but many will.  Some will take sides, some will not interfere, but that's okey too. Life has happened to so many of them, and they all are paying-it-forward to best of their abilities. 

Re staying in house....  absolutely and definitely do not leave until you two have made some kind of legally binding division of assets in black&white.  What happens then is really a matter of what you think will be best for your future.  Everyone's story is different so there is no one-size-fits-all solution.

And like Tinnat wrote, this dark cloud has got an amazing silver lining.  You will grow beyond everything you've ever thought, and eventually you will reach a situation where you know you will not just survive but thrive no matter what. But it's a really long journey.

Take good care of yourself and be grateful of the small things in your life. That is best you can do for now.

Alvin.
  • Logged
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years
Me: 43, W: 41 (Acts 20-25) - a low energy live-in wallower
BD ("I don't love you"): Feb 2019, 
BD2 ("I don't want to fix this marriage."... D filed May 2020
Kids (at time of BD): G19,G18,G14,G12,S5

*** Every person on the planet is like you - a human being, most likely doing the best they can. Some are just more in control of themself than others ***
*** There are things you control and things you can't control, but what you can control is your attitude towards things you can't control. ***
*** You're not going to master the rest of your life in one day. So relax. Master the present day. Then just keep doing that every day. ***
*** Without trust fear is the only possibility. Place your trust in your own wings. ***

W
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 82
  • Gender: Male
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#31: July 01, 2020, 05:48:30 AM
Hi Benson

I have nothing to add except listen to the vets in here as their advice has really seen me through the last 15 months of well far too many wtf moments then I can list in here, without the great people here I seriously think I would have considered myself the one going crazy rather than my wife. The craziness seems to have stopped for me now at least for awhile as she's a total vanisher and for me it's probably better that way. Time has been a great healer although I am still standing at the start of this it was the time frames that scared me the most but it passes and we grow stronger bit by bit ever so slowly almost unnoticeable at times. Sometimes one step forwards two steps back but slowly ever so slowly we grow.
  • Logged

  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Full Member
  • Posts: 236
  • Gender: Female
  • I never liked rollercoasters....
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#32: July 01, 2020, 06:54:32 AM
Very few people know but three people 1 W and 2M have all cried when told. The 2 guys said they thought we were the image of happy family and marriage . The tears really touched me bu5 also reminded me  just how crazy her actions are.

This was our situation too. The very few close friends who knew cried when we told them and said "out of all the couples we thought would get separated, you were at the bottom". 

Ultimately I'm not sure NOT telling more people was ideal, particularly when it turned out that he had been having an affair (which he thought was going to be his new life).  Perhaps had I told more people he'd have been exposed and thus the secretiveness of the affair - such a central part of most affairs - gets shattered and he'd have been shaken out of the 'bubble life' he was living with the new person.  I know your situation is different and there is no third person as far as you can see, so the above may not apply to you. 

At any rate, not telling more than a handful of people is going to be EXTREMELY taxing on you. So how do you think telling people is going to affect her or the situation negatively?    If you think this is likely to be a marathon, as indeed it is likely to be, I would be telling friends and family so that they can support you. You're going to need all the emotional and mental support you can get.    It is then up to you who to listen to - there will be plenty of armchair psychologists who will come up with "just leave her", "I never thought she was good for you",  etc-type of comments, and others who will understand you completely and simply stand by your side. But you listen to your gut, and you will be just fine. 
  • Logged
January 2018 - 1st BD - "I'm not happy"
June 2019 - I discover existence of OW since November  2017. Lives on another continent
July 2019 - OW moves to live in my city. H has been taking minibreaks on our continent with her since the beginning.  
August 2019 - H on holiday with OW, despite ultimatum
September 2019 - H commits to leaving OW
November 2019 - OW moves back to her country (temporarily). Reconnection with me begins.
December 2019 - H resumes remote contact with OW.
January 2020 - H informs me he has broken up with OW. Continues seeing her anyway.
April-June 2020 - H moves home. While "rebuilding", H continues contact and some PA with OW (BD2).
July 2020 - H leaves home, fence-sits.

B
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 39
  • Gender: Male
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#33: July 03, 2020, 12:35:40 AM
Thanks everyone ,
I look forward to reading your comments at the end of each day. The wisdom is keeping me calm and helping me think clearer.
Alvin I notice in your bio you have 5 kids and imagine that adds a real tough element. My two are teenagers and the B 17 was just asking his mum why she ran late to pick him up. He told her that he likes to be a professional at Rugby training and is always on time. Tha.t bit made me laugh but he then added that you seem to be acting like a 14 year old these days always racing out to have drinks with friends. Why don’t you just have a wine at home like you did before.  I starting to see how the carnage develops now . As the spouse you at least have the adult understanding that some things in life do end in tears. As a kid who has always had a reliable M who has always acted responsively this new MLC phase must really stand out. I am beginning to see the complete self focus and ruthless aim to achieve her personal goals at any cost. Even spent thousand on new furniture for her own bedroom a week before dropping bomb and asking me to leave. Now that’s calculating and cold to a person who has only ever given her his best.   I have a feeling the next few months will be a bit of a circus so I am getting ready for the crazy stuff.  :o

Thanks again I am finding the forum a great space to visit and research , think and grow in my understanding.
  • Logged

B
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 39
  • Gender: Male
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#34: July 04, 2020, 01:29:26 AM
Hi Everyone,

Thank you so much for all the feedback as it has armed me well to be ready for the random events. I had mentioned early that we hadn’t yet told my little one about separation. As my W was trying to set up a lunch tommorrow with her Brother and his partner all came out. She invited my daughter with the explanation that Dad didn’t want to come and when D15 was confused and said what was going on it all came out. I was at the office but had to drive home straight away to deal with The carnage. One hour gap which allowed W to give her version but seemed that she told most of the truths. We talked for two hours and for a little while I spotted the girl that I married but walked away with no doubt the full MLC W is in play. Daughter is beyond devastated and S17 sees right through all the  MLC behaviour and has expressed that she is acting like a 15 year old to the W s face.   3 weeks on I am sure glad I have stayed in the house as she has gone from you must leave this week  to  how about we get a second place and alternate one week each. I am still thinking I will investigate buying her out as I feel very vulnerable that the MLC spending and radical behaviour will be coming for me. Have also decided to get my pay paid into a separate account this month as Old Pilot was so right about spending money like water going over Niagara Falls. Even spent 2700 on furniture for her bedroom the week prior to bomb drop.  ( that just blew me away) I thought it was very excessive prior to BD but did my normal if it makes you happy type attitude. That man has gone for this  MLC W .
Other then that I have seen lots of 200, 240,400 transfers to the credit card in Ws name over the last few weeks. This is to pay for an upcoming wend away with girlfriends. Plus to cover the two additional nights out she has with GF. I do believe it is with a GF as she posts images of where they are on FB. Not  that I would rule a secret emotional or physical affair going on a with a workmate but she definitely has limited time and opportunities.  So to sum up. Although I am still in major emotional pain I feel like my plan of staying to process and think more clearly is working.
  • Logged

5
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 51
  • Gender: Female
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#35: July 04, 2020, 05:23:57 AM
Hang in there Benson, you appear to be a logical thinker but this stuff shakes you up to your core.  In the beginning you will see signs of the W you know and love.  You will think oh happy day she is back!!! The next day or even the next hour she will be gone again.  It is still very early for you, a couple of things i have experienced or heard that help me:

At this very early time of the MLC discovery the pain and confusion is like being under some type of anesthesia for  YOU a temporary loss of sensation or awareness.... i suggest you give yourself some time to clear your thoughts before you make any life changing decisions.

A quote i personally use as guidance "it will get worse before it gets better".

Take care of yourself first and be strong for your children cuz it WILL affect them no matter how old they are.  You won't truly  know what to expect from day to day. There is no true timeline for the MLC progression. So don't set any expectations that will hurt or disappoint you or your children.

Theses are just my humble observations and tools i have learned.
  • Logged

G
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 32
  • Gender: Female
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#36: July 04, 2020, 06:12:58 AM
I'm sorry you and your children are hurting. Your poor D to find out that way. I'm glad u were able to make it home to support her.
My H is not a spender but we arein the process of separating our accounts too. It's hard. Makes me sick to my stomach just thinking of the months... years ahead!
  • Logged

s
  • **
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 42
  • Gender: Female
Re: Where Do I Start and what should I do
#37: July 04, 2020, 06:14:05 AM
Hi Benson, sorry to hear about your situation and glad you found this forum.

This forum was my saviour, I didn't know how to react and probably didn't handle it well back then. I moved out fast because i was really upset and I wasn't thinking straight, it was my home too but he made OW1/OW2 the priority. The moving out made me grow up faster, I moved out from home and in with the MLCer and moved countries together, so never actually lived on my own before. But I wished I had stayed put longer, MLCer wanted to be 'single', well YOU move out then, why me...

Stay out of social media - it's baaaad. All the snooping around got me hurt bad. But all the 'happiness' on social media are mostly fake, so don't dwell so much on it. Social media is fake anyway.

Hope you have a support network around you, close friends and family. I didn't tell a lot of my friends as it's a personal matter, but MLCer went posting on FB like a h0rny teenage boy. Some friends will pick sides, that's normal and you will know which friends are worth keeping. My MLCer was spending money like crazy too, and spending an awful lot of time on his phone. I stayed away from WhatsApp and FB. Sometimes glimpses of your old wife will appear, but they do boomerang back and forth often, it's a long journey ahead :(
  • Logged
Together since 2009, 7.5 years
- PA with OW1 09/15 (BD1)
- EA with OW2 02/16 (BD2)
I moved out 07/16..

B
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 39
  • Gender: Male
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#38: July 05, 2020, 02:05:58 AM
Hi Spock,GF9 and 5 HIL,

Thanks for your comments. I look forward each day to reading a different perspective or small hint from forum members. I have re read all the comments and tips each day and used the links and advice that OldPilot and UM gave me in the first few days. I am finding it interesting how perceptive my two teenagers are. Although W originally had the easy plan of throwing me out after a joint statement explaining that people grow apart and we will all be a family bla,bla,bla it hasn’t really played out that way. My beautiful kids S17 and D 15 have both asked very direct and calm questions so the majority of the truth has come out. My D to me in front of her M said Dad were you expecting this to happen? Were you shocked and how are you?   She then burst into tears and hugged me.. When I told my son that everything would be ok and remember you M is a wonderful M and has always been there for you 100% of the time. He said sure I know that but I am watching a slow motion video of M trying to act like a teenager hanging out her silliest friend. He said I am the one that is 17 isn’t my turn and should she just be a solid M.

When the news was broke to my D yesterday I took the chance to say t9 her that in the first 10 years of your life honey you never heard a single fight between your M and I and we have always had love and puppies and great holidays and christmases so I want you to see relationship as beautiful things and as you get a little older only have optimism for anything that you have with a partner. Your M and I would no5 have had these amazing memories and years and two unbelievably wonderful children if we had not approached our marriage with open hearts. My D seemed to get that but It also gave me a chance to say that in some families the kids grow up with a lot of turmoil and anger and at some point during their lives it c9mes back to get them. That was my wife’s childhood and I am no5 sure but I think she go5 the message I was trying to deliver. When adults are reckless and cruel in front of kids it damages them irreversibly. My own Dad had the toughest of starts to his life and was born in the Australian outback and quickly ended up an orphan of the Great Depression. He and his brothers were then sent to a cruel boys home so he could not have had a tougher start to life. When war years arrived he was sent at 14 to become a jackaroo in the Australia outback which is like being a wrangler. At some point he moved back to the city and married a gentle Christian woman which really made his life. I  only tell that story to say that a man like that has every reason to be hard and tough on his kids but he never raised a hand to me and was the most gentle and loving D that I could of had. I do think kids carry any scars they have to the grave and I believe my Ws childhood pain has come back to get our marriage and break my beautiful little family into pieces.sorry for rambling a bit here guys but am emotional about how this could effect my D as she is a deep thinking quiet and gentle child. In closing the only other thing I will tell you is that I have been enjoying the series Yellow Stone that Kevin Kostner stars in and I have been trying to embody the tough range owner he 0lays (John Dutton) when I communicate with my W. It’s my nature to give her everything and always be loving but with that character in my armoury I am toughening up and drawing a lot more lines in the sand. I am not sure I will be a stander but I do intend to come out of this wit( my pride and my finances as intact as they can be. NOT LEAVING My HOME Is the mantra I keep saying under my breath.

  • Logged

5
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 51
  • Gender: Female
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#39: July 05, 2020, 06:56:03 AM
Hi there Benson, you WILL come out of this with your pride!  May be a few bumps and scrapes but dignity and pride is within our control. 

You mention your conversation with your young daughter, it does truly depend on their personality type.  Today is my H's birthday, first one in 40 years we have not celebrated together with family and friends.  I have my own plans to text him later on but what i did not plan on was receiving a message from my oldest D36 who lives in Italy.  Of my three children she is a mirror image of her father yet she is the angriest.

D36 asked when is her Dad planning on returning since he has left his responsibilities and it has been 6 months since he left.  My children are well educated and we have talked about the MLC.  It is just that my oldest does not buy it.  This is affecting all of my children D36, D32 and S31 but they all are dealing with it differently. My S31 stays in contact with his Dad and refuses to let him slip away.  The two youngest call their Dad together often.  They have set up a whatsApp weekly call and do what they call a "kid chat" only the three kids.  My D32 tells me my oldest gets pretty heated, but that is her personality. My point for this long post is to say that for me once i feel i can ride the storm with H personally another cloud blows in from a different direction. Stay tuned into your children's feelings, i feel when they appear the most accepting can sometimes be when they need you most.  80/20 rule if you are giving something or someone 80% of your attention you can possibly miss the 20% that needs you.  Take care, i am following your posts.
  • Logged

B
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 39
  • Gender: Male
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#40: July 06, 2020, 02:50:38 AM
Thanks  5 HIL,

It’s nice to know people are following the posts. What you said abou5 first birthday in 40 years that you haven’t celebrated is real heartbreaking. I figure the age of the kids is really just a number as the adults separating are still just Mum and Dad. I really feel for you and it sounds like your eldest D is socking it to your H  on behalf of all of you. Sweet that you will send him a text for Bday and you never kno2 it could be the one little thing that cracks his armour.

After finding out on Saturday my 15 year old D seems she’ll shocked. She was left all alone today at home as both W and I had to work. I came home early to a withdrawn and quiet  child and an immaculate home. You see my little one is neat perfectionist who has been battling an eating disorder. I figure she thinks if she makes the house beyond perfect and hangs out all the washing and cooks a nice meal it could fix everything. As a Dad what breaks my heart the most is that I can fix this for my little girls. This is completely and totally out of my control. My worst fear is having read a bit on here now it’s going to get worse before it gets an6 better.  My hardworking apprentice son is coming home and going to bed on the pretence that he is very tired. So we basically have a comfortable large home that was once filled with laughter and now everyone just goes up to their bedrooms and either sleeps or watch’es shows on their iPads.   I feel like I have been coping ok myself but I lose it when I think about the kids and what this is doing to our once happy family. I am praying that a God will step in and somehow fix this but my feeling is that it is probably happening for a reason and we will have to endure pain for quite a while yet.
  • Logged

5
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 51
  • Gender: Female
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#41: July 06, 2020, 11:43:11 AM
Yes Benson for sure GOD has a plan.  But as we say we just want to fix everything and bring our happy families all back together.  I completely understand, i am a process engineer, mother, wife and now a grandma, a fixer of all.  That was until the MLC storm opened up.

I cannot say i fully understand eating disorders but two of my children and now my H have went through depression.  It is tough to always keep yourself strong and stay in front of what's coming next.  Keep reading, look into the forum resources, there are ex MLC'rs who share their experience through the MLC journey/tunnel.  I am reading one now that provides info. on what they were feeling and how they just did not care one way or another about the left behind spouse.

As far as my oldest D she is a bit mindful, stubborn and not open minded to things that anger her. Since she does not buy into the MLC I am trying to disengage her a bit. Clearly how i am trying to demonstrate my support for her Dad is not working.  So i must use a different approach as to how i will discuss her Dad with her the future.

As far as the birthday text it did open up a lot of texting from H.  He talked about being scared of the Covid virus for quite a while. He is worried and always tells me to take care of the family.  I sensed sadness in his texts to me but heard how happy he was when the two younger kids called and did some face time with him.

It was suggested i start reaching out to him a little at a time.  So i am starting to dip my toes in the water (no expectations).

Wishing you the very best and keeping you in my prayers.
  • Logged

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 3823
  • Gender: Female
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#42: July 06, 2020, 12:29:31 PM
Benson, my suggestion is for you to engage the children. Go to their rooms and have a chat about something fun or interesting, or engage them in a game of some sort, individually or together. My S then 15 and I played "Keep talking and nobody explodes", went Geocaching, played Nancy Drew computer games. I didn't take up much of his time, maybe a few hours here and there, but it kept the lines of communication open and also kept all of our interactions from being the boring day to day stuff or morose. for D then 18, we chatted on Skype, watched TV programs together and sometimes played games.

Make sure the kids understand that no matter what, YOU are going to be there for them. Don't just say it, live it.
  • Logged
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

B
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 39
  • Gender: Male
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#43: July 07, 2020, 03:50:47 AM
Thanks off road. I am doing that and it’s great advise. The kids are literally seeing their Mum disappear before their eyes. When you first hop on here and read a few wild stories you think no that not my W. But now a few weeks in I am starting to see many crazy behaviours. My once conservative business woman wife is lining up,a weekend away with her scruffy heavy drinking brothers motorcycle club mates. I don’t think I even feel jealous more and more just disrespect . My poor beautiful teenagers are beginning to see a stranger when their mum walks in. I think I would just laugh and walk away but naturally after 19 years of marriage I am very entangled with this woman. Oh well each day looks like being an adventure but I have deleted Facebook so I don’t have to watch any of the nonsense as it plays out. I will stock with being the sane stable parent and hopefully that will serve me well. I am proud that my 17 year old S is speaking up and telling his Mum how he sees her behaviour but I will avoiding buying in to making much commentary.
  • Logged

B
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 39
  • Gender: Male
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#44: July 10, 2020, 12:05:54 AM
Hi Everyone,

MLC wife hit new low today. My S 17 said that M said to him that you even said why are you with him once. As my S who I have  a wonderful close relationship said I couldn’t even remember saying that. W then pointed out that it was said after S and I had had an argument two years ago when he was rebelling at school.

These are the parts that I can’t believe where she is dragging a 17 year old into this and making him feel bad for her current behaviour.  Feels like there really is a monster inside her and that she will say anything to make herself feel better about her current decisions. I have very close and warm relationships with both S17 and D15 have never had anything but warm and loving relationships.  When I first got on here I thought these people seem nice but maybe some of them really exaggerate the MLC behaviours but I now see it’s all true,

They rewrite history like UM and Old Pilot Said

They say vicious and hurtful things to anyone that will listen

They are sooooo self focused with actions all about only them

They spend $$$$ like crazy ... I am just locking that side up now

They treat the spouse like an enemy of the state

They treat any kindness like it is a threat to their inner demon

There are some wonderful patient and kind people on this forum who STAND and waiting for the crazy MLC ers. In truth I don’t think I have the patience to do that based on the treatment I am getting. I am lucky I have the resources to move on and I just don’t think I can separate the cruelty from the woman I knew versus this current BEAST... it’s so tricky because if this was a diagnosed thing you would put the person in a ward and medicate them and explain to the family that my poor W is dealing with depression and we are trying to get her well again. Can’t do that just have to weather the storm of craziness and try to protect the kids.
  • Logged

  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Full Member
  • Posts: 236
  • Gender: Female
  • I never liked rollercoasters....
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#45: July 10, 2020, 12:27:58 AM
I feel for you, Benson.

It IS hard to hear history being re-written, and wondering and wondering whether it's actually not you who is remembering things wrongly. In my experience, there usually is a tiny bit of truth in the rewritten history, but vastly exaggerated.  It helped me to reflect on the history my MLCer was talking about and to try to see what made him say the things he did. For example, one re-writing was that I don't like affection. Turned out much later that he was talking about when he seeks to hug me when I'm cooking, something that, yes, I didn't like.   He also blamed me for many things;  now that he is coming out of the tunnel, he says things which show that he doesn't really think so and that it is his brain which has been playing tricks on him.

I also thought that I would not stand for long, and what changed it for me was that I could not believe that the H I knew for close to 23 years had turned into an alien just like that, and that after a while he begin to hate himself for doing so many things against his values (in H's case it was a complicated affair and lying).    I stood with a type of blind faith and a lot of strength, but still now, so close to the end of the tunnel I sometimes feel immense fatigue.  The only thing I can really recommend is to focus a lot on yourself and your children, without her. At this point, you come first, and the more physical distance you have from her the better it is for you. 

Like you, it took me a while to accept what all the learned people here were telling me.  However they were right!  Your MLCer is going through an internal journey, and unfortunately nothing you can do can speed it up or take it away. She needs to walk through that tunnel, and eventually she will come out. In the meantime, you're walking your own journey of growth, and this will serve you well whether you choose to stand or not.  There is immense peace in knowing that you will be able to go on and do well in your life with her or without her.

Thinking of you!
  • Logged
« Last Edit: July 10, 2020, 12:30:38 AM by tinnat »
January 2018 - 1st BD - "I'm not happy"
June 2019 - I discover existence of OW since November  2017. Lives on another continent
July 2019 - OW moves to live in my city. H has been taking minibreaks on our continent with her since the beginning.  
August 2019 - H on holiday with OW, despite ultimatum
September 2019 - H commits to leaving OW
November 2019 - OW moves back to her country (temporarily). Reconnection with me begins.
December 2019 - H resumes remote contact with OW.
January 2020 - H informs me he has broken up with OW. Continues seeing her anyway.
April-June 2020 - H moves home. While "rebuilding", H continues contact and some PA with OW (BD2).
July 2020 - H leaves home, fence-sits.

B
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 39
  • Gender: Male
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#46: July 10, 2020, 12:41:40 AM
Hi Tinnat

Thanks for your reply and wise words. You are right on elements of the history but to blow them up and bring a hurting teenager into the web is just so wrong. Your point about 23 years with your H is also very valid and I  am only 1 month into this horrible journey. Maybe as see confusion on W s face and see my original girl come back occasionally it will give me more empathy and strength.

I find it confusing so far that some of her smarter friends are not troubled by her behaviour. Everyone seems to buy in and support her desire to more on to something new. Lot at stake with two kids involved and  I figured real friends will start to look closely at her.
  • Logged

  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Full Member
  • Posts: 236
  • Gender: Female
  • I never liked rollercoasters....
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#47: July 10, 2020, 01:01:50 AM
I find it confusing so far that some of her smarter friends are not troubled by her behaviour. Everyone seems to buy in and support her desire to more on to something new. Lot at stake with two kids involved and  I figured real friends will start to look closely at her.

Benson,  H only told his family about the "separation", telling them that things had changed since we had the girls (D12 and D14) (?!). He only told his 2 best friends (male) that he had a new partner. They were super-surprised, and sad for our coupledom because they thought we would be the last on the list to separate, but then their next reaction to him was "well, as long as you're happy...".  I had a good relationship with one of them, and a couple of months later I explained to him and his wife what the story really was, and how I no longer recognized this person. Only then did the 2 male friends give him some straight words.

You don't know what she's telling her friends.  I found out that he had been telling them a lot of untruths (again, rewriting history), and being her friends they will tend to believe her (because they had no reason to NOT believe her before).  If you are good friends with any of them or their male partners, it may help to diplomatically talk to them the alien your wife has become.     
  • Logged
January 2018 - 1st BD - "I'm not happy"
June 2019 - I discover existence of OW since November  2017. Lives on another continent
July 2019 - OW moves to live in my city. H has been taking minibreaks on our continent with her since the beginning.  
August 2019 - H on holiday with OW, despite ultimatum
September 2019 - H commits to leaving OW
November 2019 - OW moves back to her country (temporarily). Reconnection with me begins.
December 2019 - H resumes remote contact with OW.
January 2020 - H informs me he has broken up with OW. Continues seeing her anyway.
April-June 2020 - H moves home. While "rebuilding", H continues contact and some PA with OW (BD2).
July 2020 - H leaves home, fence-sits.

  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 39
  • Gender: Female
  • Reconfiguring....
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#48: July 10, 2020, 01:20:55 AM
Benson,

I'm so sorry for the painful situation you're going through. I know exactly how it feels. My H of 14 years seems to have completely re-written our history and put the OW more worthy of his love and affection, and condemned me to a sort of enemy or burden category. It's truly the most heartbreaking pain I've ever endured and I don't know how I'll recover. Nonetheless, I'm going to devote the next few years of my life trying to heal and improve myself.

MLCers def become Monsters, the question is always to what degree. Mine is literally another person. Once kind and UBER loyal/devoted, now sociopathic and narcissistic.

I'm so sorry your W acting the way she is and also upsetting the kids. I also know what you mean re it being hard to stand when your spouse is acting cruel. If mine ever came back to his old self or evolved self, I don't know how I'd be able to fully digest the pain he's caused.
  • Logged
H born in 80
I was born in 83
Started dating in 2004; both felt we were soulmates & kept that feeling for 14 yrs
Married H 2006
D born in 2008
H entered MLC in late 2017
Replay started 2018
H moved out in April 2018; was supposed to be gone a month & focus on getting rest; he instead started an affair w/ 21 yr old waitress
H tricked me into moving internationally to stay w/my Mom in June 2018; he abducted our daughter for a YEAR in a desp attempt to cover up the affair

OW seems to be masterminding everything in his life and looks like she wants a green card.
Little to no contact with MLCer but he encouraged me to file for divorce
What's helping me:
meditation, reading/listening to audiobooks

B
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 39
  • Gender: Male
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#49: July 10, 2020, 04:28:29 AM
Thanks BAM,

I figure that’s what they call you. Moved from Britain to a Us I am guessing. I will read your posts as you have  likely covered it there. Thanks for your nice words I appreciate them. Your situation sounds  just as challenging and I am sorry you are going through the MLC nightmare . Your two D s are at vulnerable ages like my D 15 We have battled through the anguish of an eating disorder with my beautiful perfectionist D. To acknowledge my W was heroic in helping her during this phase and it almost feels like some of our challenges have gotten to much for W. That said I have been a supportive H and Dad in every way that I can.

How are your daughter coping BAM it can’t be easy.? My S who is 17 and strong with his opinions has told my W that she need to see a physchogist. He is just stunned at the changes in her behaviour and doesn’t like the out for drinks regularly. I suppose kids just like their cocoon and I the moment I will be the stable boring Dad I have always been. I was single and travelled a lot through my twenties and got the party bit out of my system. At 50 I just love being a Dad and coming home to out fluffy little dog and relaxing.

May have to reinvent my self though and get some swagger back as 50 too young not to find a exciting new partner if W stays funked up and in the fog.  I agree on the other person bit but now wit( lots of time on my hands I think my wife started to treat me differently maybe as long as  a year ago.

  • Logged

  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 39
  • Gender: Female
  • Reconfiguring....
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#50: July 11, 2020, 02:04:51 AM
Benson,

I was actually born in the States but my Mom is from the UK and I lived between the EU, US, and Asia as a kid. I'm a bit of an interesting mix!

I just wanted to say I admire your resilience and outlook; you seem to have the perfect attitude because you're right, if she has insight and recovers, wonderful! If she doesn't-as hard as it is to move on- do it. You have your whole rest of your life in front of you, with many interesting and kind people you have met to meet and loads of people to support you and your kids.

My daughter is doing very well, despite the horrendous situation her Dad put us through. She knows he's lost, and she's as disgusted as I am about his affair and the fact he abducted her for a year. Luckily, the OW was good to my D during that time period. I myself barely survived it. I had no idea why H wasn't in contact with me and he kept lying about where he was and when he was coming to join me with D. It's a long story. At least I got her back!

Not to insult him, but he never has come up with plans or had any real incentive to do anything, and I think that the girl he left me for has actually had much more to do with what has transpired than I even thought. I think she wants a greencard and that was her plan from the get go. She comes from a very poor family and it sounds like she's had a rough life, and I can sympathize. I lived in Thailand for almost a decade and know how rough Thai women have it. Anyhow, I think she saw he was at a low point ( beginning of the MLC) and became fixated on her plan of helping him 'change his life for the better'. Maybe she even believes it and I think he may too. But it sounds like he's paying for everything her family needs now, so mission accomplished and I CANNOT WAIT for the day he wakes up and/or crashes and burn.

I say this after I just found out he hasn't paid for the storage that had ALL of my belongings. Literally everything I owned before I moved in with my Mom. This has put the nail in the coffin for me and was a wake up call of sorts. I don't know if he'll ever 'come back' to some semblance of the good person he was. It's sad but I'm going to try my best and not beat myself up about it. I'm 37 and have to focus on being a single mom.

I'm so sorry for what your kids are going through, and the pain they feel. I wish your W would see what she's doing, but MLC seems to be a fog mixed in with extreme narcissism.
  • Logged
H born in 80
I was born in 83
Started dating in 2004; both felt we were soulmates & kept that feeling for 14 yrs
Married H 2006
D born in 2008
H entered MLC in late 2017
Replay started 2018
H moved out in April 2018; was supposed to be gone a month & focus on getting rest; he instead started an affair w/ 21 yr old waitress
H tricked me into moving internationally to stay w/my Mom in June 2018; he abducted our daughter for a YEAR in a desp attempt to cover up the affair

OW seems to be masterminding everything in his life and looks like she wants a green card.
Little to no contact with MLCer but he encouraged me to file for divorce
What's helping me:
meditation, reading/listening to audiobooks

  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 888
  • Gender: Male
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#51: July 11, 2020, 03:05:33 AM
Hi Benson,

I know the times are rough right now for you.   Hang in there and keep calm. I definitely was not doing nowhere as well as you in the beginning, LOL.

Maybe the below piece of wisdom (by great Albert Ellis, founder of REBT-therapy) will help you approach the events in way that provides fruitful:

"People and things do not upset us, rather we upset us by believing that they can upset us."

Give the above words a lot of thought as within them lies a key that can empower you and your kids. Your W will do a lot of crazy stuff, irrational decisions (basically pretty much everything that roots from negative emotions is irrational), behave in ways you never imagined would be possible, she will rock the boat that used to be life you all liked and loved....  Nobody likes change. Those things will upset you. Those things will upset your kids. But only if you allow her actions (or lack thereof) to upset you... Your W is right now in position where she will not listen the voice reason.   But you are different. And so are your kids. Teach yourself the above. And teach your kids the above.  It will bring new kind of calm and serenity into your life.   

Alvin.
  • Logged
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years
Me: 43, W: 41 (Acts 20-25) - a low energy live-in wallower
BD ("I don't love you"): Feb 2019, 
BD2 ("I don't want to fix this marriage."... D filed May 2020
Kids (at time of BD): G19,G18,G14,G12,S5

*** Every person on the planet is like you - a human being, most likely doing the best they can. Some are just more in control of themself than others ***
*** There are things you control and things you can't control, but what you can control is your attitude towards things you can't control. ***
*** You're not going to master the rest of your life in one day. So relax. Master the present day. Then just keep doing that every day. ***
*** Without trust fear is the only possibility. Place your trust in your own wings. ***

B
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 39
  • Gender: Male
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#52: July 11, 2020, 11:33:58 PM
Thanks for replies BAM and  Alvin,

That’s a really interesting childhood BAM. Nothing makes you ready for these MLC ers but moving a lot  would build resilience into a kid I am sure.  Your comment about your H s narcissism is so apt fro my W also. Iits almost like they have finished that mission and now this life is all about them. Financially, emotionally in ever way just so self indulgent. Problem is if the stable partner goes blow for blow only the kids suffer. I will bide my time focus energy on kids sure up finances and then do some discreet partying when kids are with their M.

The abducted daughter bit sounds horrendous for a mum BAM. I will look through your earlier posts. 

Elvin thanks for your continuing wisdom I have read a lot of your posts now. They speak of a man who is wise and still sensitive  even after taking the beating .... that’s how I wish to come out also.

My MLCer has been of a girls weekend away bashing up our join bank account. My pay will start going into my bank accounts just established. Soon so that may cause some confusion for a W that has never had to show any restraint. Massages, accupunture, 280 dollars every three weeks at the hairdresser and new clothes constantly . Why should the LBS continue to pay for these luxuries ?? Or am I missing something.

Frivolous expenses should be met  by her money only now I figure.. my kids can get the benefit of the balance as I won’t let them go without.
  • Logged

  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 39
  • Gender: Female
  • Reconfiguring....
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#53: July 12, 2020, 12:01:56 AM
Benson,

Ugh, that's so frustrating ( to put it mildly) your W has been blowing money on a girl's weekend, all while she is neglecting her family. Sadly, it's typical of a narcissitic MLCer in Replay mode. My H was supposed to be making a sort of 'self-retreat' and went off for what was supposed to be a month. I thought he was having a nervous breakdown so it was partially my idea he just focus on sleeping and eating as that's what I read ( and heard from a friend) is what's needed in the case of a nervous breakdown.

Little did I know that it was in fact a MLC and H was shacking up with some 21 year old chick ( who seems to desp want a greencard) and that one month turned into four horrendous months. He had total control over the money and guess who had no car and only about 30 dollars a week for groceries while he was having an affair? Yup, my D and I.

I'm so sorry you and your kids are going through this and I really suggest focusing on doing as much as you can on yourself and on your children, which I know you're already doing. Read self-help and psychology books ( I found philosophy and spirituality books very useful myself) to both help yourself and the family. Try to do the 'get a life' thing and find new activities, including some with you and the kids.

Do your best to protect you and the kids financially, and try your best to 'charge neutral' when talking with W and not engaging if 'monster' comes out. But also don't hesitate to let her know her behavior is adversely affecting you and the kids.

I get hit throughout the day with memories of the incredible love and passion H and I had, and retained all the way until MLC hit. I have to focus very hard on not ruminating and also not dwelling which is easier said than done. You will slowly but surely discover and re-discover yourself.

I look at what we're all going through as a form of war. We're in the trenches. It's nasty and extremely painful BUT if we do what many posters say and focus on OURSELVES and our kids and not believing the lies our MLCer is spewing, it makes this whole thing less painful and even transformative.

I can say with certainty that I'm a better, more understanding and empathetic person now. Sad it had to come at this cost but oh well.

  • Logged
H born in 80
I was born in 83
Started dating in 2004; both felt we were soulmates & kept that feeling for 14 yrs
Married H 2006
D born in 2008
H entered MLC in late 2017
Replay started 2018
H moved out in April 2018; was supposed to be gone a month & focus on getting rest; he instead started an affair w/ 21 yr old waitress
H tricked me into moving internationally to stay w/my Mom in June 2018; he abducted our daughter for a YEAR in a desp attempt to cover up the affair

OW seems to be masterminding everything in his life and looks like she wants a green card.
Little to no contact with MLCer but he encouraged me to file for divorce
What's helping me:
meditation, reading/listening to audiobooks

B
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 39
  • Gender: Male
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#54: July 12, 2020, 02:28:38 PM
Hi BAM

Your words about focussing on the kids and not the very destruction MLC behaviour are very true. You also seem to be processing things in a smart way. In the trenches is a great description as I watched the W spending a few hundred dollars in a homewares stores whilst away on the girls weekend.How could that even be a priority when  splitting the family and houses etc should be front of mind. This really is a monster and it is like watching a battle in her brain . I still struggle with the idea that my once calm and sane W spend a few thousand doing up her room. The nicer room our martital bedroom  and then tried to kick me out. I have never looked at expenses previously but the fact I earn three times what she does surely should come into her thinking we planning to spend and launch me.   MLC monster is just so cold and cruel and self focused.

I also think you are right about it making us evolve into kinder people is true. When you see first hand that someone you loved and completely trusted can turn on you it’s quite the experience. In my mind it gives me more empathy and patience and I wonder what other people are going through in their lives.

When I reflect on the perfect and loving childhood I had I must have gratitude for that. The damage my MLC wife experienced clearly never left her. I now look back at certain things during our marriage and it is clear that her childhood stopped her being able to love me completely. She has always seemed to love our kids unconditionally but has made some bizarre statements like I don’t know if I would have had kids if I went back to the beginning. Now I see that unconditional love for our kids missing completely as she puts them through this.

The  day she left for the three day girls weekend my W left a typed note for my kids ( the same note) with their baby photo books. The note talked of their births being the best days of her life and she talked about the incredible bond between a mum and her kids. W also said that as tough as things are now with the silences and  weirdness that she hope in time they could respect her for having the courage to with with conviction. W added that when they do reconnect with her it will be the most glorious of reconnections. That bit to me reads like something from a fantasy novel as my two teens as broken watching their M disappear and become a different human.

BAM the bit your wrote about with the 21 year old Green card chick must have been horrendous. So selfish and so disrespectful to you and your D. To have a fling one thing but to move in with her and leave you short of funds is truely disgusting. Does with me an insight  though into how weird $h!te could and can get.

Blessings BAM I hope things at least settle down for you with the monster side of his personality.

  • Logged

  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 39
  • Gender: Female
  • Reconfiguring....
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#55: July 12, 2020, 10:41:54 PM
Benson,

Judging by your wife's letter ( and of course behavior) it just shows how lost and how she must be in such a desperate, confusing place. She doesn't know what to do and what's wrong with her and is desperate for SOMETHING to fix how she's feeling. This is the common thing with MLCers. I vividly remember my H writing a note ( during the Anger phase and right before Replay hit) when he said he just wanted to find joy again in his life. This was before he went on a two day meditation retreat. I remember feeling both sad and frustrated at his letter. I knew he was struggling and I felt very upset about that, but my daughter and I had no car for the weekend and were stuck at home, so I was a bit resentful.

In hindsight, I know that he was like your wife: some type of split was happening inside of him, and he was scared of it. Nothing made him happy anymore, and instead of looking inside ( which is what all MLCers need to do and are AVOIDING doing), he went into the MLC tunnel and started changing external things.

Your wife is probably spending money to have that high from buying something new. This could morph into doing something new. MLCers seem to love novelty and they use it as a short-lasted high. I think the purpose of an MLC affair ( which I hope your wife doesn't start) is to again have that novelty.

I'm not an expert on this but I think you should share with your kids what your learning about what an MLC is so they can gain some insight into what's going on with their Mum. Let them know not to mention it to your W as MLCers never accept they are having a crisis.
  • Logged
H born in 80
I was born in 83
Started dating in 2004; both felt we were soulmates & kept that feeling for 14 yrs
Married H 2006
D born in 2008
H entered MLC in late 2017
Replay started 2018
H moved out in April 2018; was supposed to be gone a month & focus on getting rest; he instead started an affair w/ 21 yr old waitress
H tricked me into moving internationally to stay w/my Mom in June 2018; he abducted our daughter for a YEAR in a desp attempt to cover up the affair

OW seems to be masterminding everything in his life and looks like she wants a green card.
Little to no contact with MLCer but he encouraged me to file for divorce
What's helping me:
meditation, reading/listening to audiobooks

  • *
  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 686
  • Gender: Male
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#56: July 12, 2020, 11:01:36 PM
Good for you for taking steps to protect the finances. I know it feels strange and she may try to make you feel guilty about it, but it's the right thing to do. You may have to remind yourself that she's burning through your kids' money, not just yours.

You're still in the house, right? I'll echo those who tell you not to leave. If she wants out, let her go, but it's better for you to stay. I stayed, my X left, and it worked much better for the kids to be living with the sane parent.

Have you sought legal advice yet? You may want to consider a separation agreement. In my case, when my XW left, we agreed on finances for the "temporary" separation. This agreement formed the basis for the mediated divorce agreement. Not saying your sitch will end in divorce, but mine did and I'm glad for the sake of myself and the kids that we had an agreement in place so that debts she accrued living like a teenager were hers alone. Not sure the separation agreement would have held up in court, but she thought it would and that may have helped slow down her spending a bit.

Ah yes, the friends. Most unhelpful. Accomplices, actually. My XW surrounded herself with drinking buddies, all of whom were unmarried themselves. Unsurprisingly, her friends encouraged her to leave her no-fun, sober, stick-in-the-mud husband. Misery loves company, I guess.

What is it about these MLCers and furniture? I found out my XW was leaving when I found a receipt for several thousand dollars worth of furniture. It wasn't for our house, but for the apartment I didn't know she was about to move into.

So sorry about all of this. You're doing well. One foot in front of the other....
  • Logged
« Last Edit: July 12, 2020, 11:02:53 PM by PJ Will Be OK »
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2: 2018 - FA
W moved out - June 2019
OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019
Divorce final - September 2019
Card-carrying member of the Iffer Party

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11537.new#new

  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Full Member
  • Posts: 236
  • Gender: Female
  • I never liked rollercoasters....
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#57: July 13, 2020, 12:52:28 AM
You seem to be very resilient, Benson.  Believe it or not, your wife will appreciate this, even though she might not know it yet and there is no way she will tell you that at the moment.

You say your wife had a difficult childhood. H did too, after his dad died at the age of 9 and his mum never grieved the death with him.  I do believe that the MLC brought all his repressed emotions from this time to the surface.  It seems ridiculous that we're talking about 40 years later, but MLC is a strange beast.   I didn't find out how badly it had affected him until quite recently.  We're hoping that intensive psychotherapy will help him forgive his mum for her actions and finally accept the death.

As so many here say, the only thing you can do is take care of yourself and your kids, and allow your MLCer to take the path she's on at the moment.  Nothing you can say or do will change her mind unless she is open to that, and that stage may be a long time in coming.   They do turn into monsters or aliens, but it helps to know that actually deep down they are tormented, because they see themselves doing things which go against their values and they don't know why and are not able to stop themselves.   And you, who knows the values your wife has always believed in, can only see how  unusual all this is and trust the process. 

  • Logged
January 2018 - 1st BD - "I'm not happy"
June 2019 - I discover existence of OW since November  2017. Lives on another continent
July 2019 - OW moves to live in my city. H has been taking minibreaks on our continent with her since the beginning.  
August 2019 - H on holiday with OW, despite ultimatum
September 2019 - H commits to leaving OW
November 2019 - OW moves back to her country (temporarily). Reconnection with me begins.
December 2019 - H resumes remote contact with OW.
January 2020 - H informs me he has broken up with OW. Continues seeing her anyway.
April-June 2020 - H moves home. While "rebuilding", H continues contact and some PA with OW (BD2).
July 2020 - H leaves home, fence-sits.

B
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 39
  • Gender: Male
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#58: July 13, 2020, 03:45:05 AM
Thanks Tinnat,

I appreciate all the support here as things hot up. The W refused to pick up my hard working  17 year old apprentice S. My wise and mature S unfollowed him Mum on Instagram as he said her behaviour was immature and embarrassing. She has always been such a great Mum and close to our beautiful boy.  I can only pray these antics don’t send him over the edge.
  • Logged

B
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 39
  • Gender: Male
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#59: July 13, 2020, 03:54:43 AM
Hi PJ

Thanks to you to good advice. Yeah the circus sure is starting and I don’t feel like the ring master but I am going to practice.
It feels a bit like a game but my sorrow lies in the fact my beautiful teenagers are watching . Everything you are all saying is coming true day by day. Good to have a playbook even if it is painful to turn each page.
  • Logged

B
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 39
  • Gender: Male
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#60: July 13, 2020, 04:00:50 AM
Hi BAM,

You sum things up very well and yes I get the feeling that she will have an affair. I have been loyal and faithful from the day we met.
I is wrong for me to think I should treat this replay as a hall pass. The vibe I am getting is  my MLC er is a completely different human so not sure where this is going to take her. It’s like watching a train wreck on slow motion replay.

I agree about the letter it seemed to be abou5 guilt before heading off for the weekend of partying. I know how much she loves her kids so this monster inside must be pulling her apart. I have been passive so far but very soon I will use my only weapon which is financial control.
  • Logged

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 10340
  • Gender: Female
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#61: July 13, 2020, 04:09:59 AM
It seems to me that the three pretty consistent markers of an MLCer are entitlement, a broken empathy chip and a sense of resentment that comes out in rage or self pity. These are not folks who behave like decent reasonable adults normally behave.

And her letter about the 'glorious reconnection' is a perfect example of that kind of 'tone deafness'....full of entitled assumptions, taking no responsibility for the effect of her behaviour and dashing past your kid's pain and bewilderment.

Putting to one side the whys and whatnots, and whether one stands in hope of some kind of normal service being resumed, all one can do is accept this and adjust ones expectations and boundaries accordingly. As many folks here have found, Benson, life will be easier as a parent if you and your kids make these kind of day to day arrangements without involving your wife. It becomes too frustrating, irritating or risky to deal with someone who can't be trusted to do what they say they will do or who is unpredictable. It isn't fair on any of you, I know, but you might find it better to just exclude her from things like this or get support from elsewhere. If it is any consolation though, I am often amazed by how quickly and clearly kids see that this is no longer the same dad/mum that they knew and detach from the rollercoaster tbh quicker perhaps than we do. ::)

Only you can decide the balance in your mind between explanation vs excuse....the 'hall pass' as you called it....we all have lines in the sand and sometimes they end up not being quite where we thought they were. But detaching enough to see the current wood for the trees, regardless of how you feel about it, will help you build some protective walls around you and your kids. It is I'm afraid quite possible that your w's behaviour will get much worse before it gets better and she may do things you never imagined she could or would.....so protect your heart, wallet and sanity.
  • Logged
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

B
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 39
  • Gender: Male
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#62: July 14, 2020, 06:29:05 AM
Hi Everyone,
Need your advice tonight. So the W and I spoke at length tonight for the first time in a few weeks. I spotted the girl I use to love for fleeting moments in the twenty or so minutes that we spoke. As you know I have stayed in the house and we have largely avoided each other.
Today we had a text exchange about money that was short and sharp so when I got home I advised her that I had left the bulk of my pay in the bank to pay the monthly bills but tha5 I had taken 1500 and out that in a new account for my expenses. That play from the always gentle and passive husband really lit her up. She said well I can do the same no doubt with my money . I earn a lot more then her and have never begrudged her anything but this time I said well the money I have left will cover all expenses. She really didn’t like me having my own account and said the courts don’t like this unless you have an arrangemen5 in place which sounds like nonsense to me.

Then remembering that  on the BD night W suggested I move out and that is 5 weeks ago now and things have changed a bit.  I suggested that I would like to buy her equity in the property out. She was horrified and said a mother can never leave the family home and she started to tear up a bit. She said that she feels incredible guilt every hour of every day and that she feels like she has lost t(e kids a bit. She also believes that the kids will stay in the family home and if I stay here and she moves out it will effect her relationship wit( them forever.

w is suggesting she will fight the idea of me buying her out in this house all the way and that I should remember that the courts will see her as the main career always because she works less hours then I do. My S 17 will be 18 by the time of any divorce but daughter 15 who wants to go to university .W says that I couldn’t both buy her out and afford to pay part of my wages for D 15 . It does all get very confusing because as I understand things if I opt to negotiate and buy out he equity why would I also need to keep paying.? I will happily pay my D Expenses and school fees but W saying it will be a lot more then that.

So the unstable person blows up the family and the marriage tha5 I thought was good and she still has all the power . I think a flew things are really startin* t9 rattle her as I have always been quite kind and kinda passive but tonight.

I tabled her excessive spending. Which she apologised for and said that she needed clothes as nothing fi5 her anymore.??

She also had the expensive girls weekend away and spent up big on that.

Suggested that I could buy her out and that went down like a real lead balloon. I honesty thought that if I could arrange the loans and keep the kids in the house they have always known from birth that she may be happy with that and use the funds she gets to set up a comfortable rental and have money in bank for a future deposit. Things the kids will want t9 spend all their time here in the house they know with their dog and cat.
So although I have no res9lution on that I do feel we have come a long way from day one where she was effectively trying to bully me out of my own home to now where I am suggesting she could leave. Her suggestion is that we keep this place and bird nest as in alternate weeks and rent another apartment that we share as long as I would get a cleaner for that place as my standards would not be high enough inthe weeks she would return. If we can afford this it may be a viable option as it keeps the kids in the home they love . My issue with this is that we really need an end game and I want to untangle from her to start a new life financially. As W has brought all this chaos why should I be tipped upside down.

In what seems to be classic MLC narcissism she also went on about how she ex0lained to the kids that she has literally given all of herself away since the kids were in primary/ junior school as she needs to refine herself and connect with friends. It’s all about the care she gave and the things she did rather then being about any contribution that I have made. She did concede that I am an amazing D and great with the kids and she knows that. I think that fact is very front and center as the kids push back against her crazy behaviour and my S in particular is very much taking my side although I am saying she is your loving Mum please remember what a great mum she is . I am add8ng no fuel t9 the fire but both kids are I think a bit discusted in her behaviour , logic and reasons.

Sorry to ramble but what are your thoughts on all of that stuff.


  • Logged

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 10340
  • Gender: Female
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#63: July 14, 2020, 06:55:50 AM
I think you need to start training your brain to care less about what your w thinks is fair or sensible.....if only bc she will not be caring much about what you think is fair or sensible. You may need to fake it until you make it, my friend, but you have made a good start. No wonder your w is a bit surprised....the collective wisdom suggests she will respond with one of three flavours....angry blame and implied threats, self pity victimhood inviting your sympathy for how bad she feels or manipulative charm to try to persuade you to be 'nicer' that pushes soft spots like your concern for your kids....so caring less about her opinion about you, your choices, your feelings or your best interests will help you stay off that rollercoaster. (Your w seems to have dipped into all three in this convo  ::) )

And I think you need to get some legal guidance pronto before making any further proposals or big decisions....bc your w is not a reliable source of legal info  ::) and it may prevent you from inadvertently agreeing to things that weaken your position legally or financially. Like the moving out issue where you wisely listened to advice despite your w's attempts to persuade you that this was the 'only' or 'best' solution.

Try to get more facts so you can focus on facts and keep any conversations with your w based on (relevant) facts.
  • Logged
« Last Edit: July 14, 2020, 07:00:17 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Full Member
  • Posts: 122
  • Gender: Female
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#64: July 14, 2020, 08:38:29 AM
Benson,

You will have to focus on what is right for yourself, and yourself only.   Having conversations around equity, finances, etc. is too much to a little MLC'ers brain. 

If you feel that you need a separation agreement, to protect yourself for your kids and your finances, you do not need to have this conversation with your W. 

If you are doing it as a means to be the first to act, dont as MLC'ers dont always file for D as its too much work for their confused minds.    If you are trying to scare her into returning, this doesn't work either.   Push behaviours dont get them to pop out of the tunnel, it just pushes them further in.   
  • Logged
Me (W) 43 - W 41
BD - Jan 17, 2020


OW status unknown, don't care, not relevant.

B
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 39
  • Gender: Male
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#65: July 14, 2020, 08:00:44 PM
Thanks treasure and LBS. I appreciate the advice you have both given.

W did do all 3 T you are correct. Implied threats around fact she is the main carer and loads of self pity to make me feel bad.
Being more fact based is what I will do. Agree LBS you are correct although she is a smart person her eyes were glazing over and she only wants to waffle about how she feels and the price she has paid caring for the kids over last few years. She has been a great mum but that doesn’t mean she can now say fend for yourselves kids it’s my fun time now. She can do that as much as it will crush my kids but she can’t keep all the privileges that go with her former/ current life
  • Logged

  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 888
  • Gender: Male
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#66: July 14, 2020, 09:19:51 PM
As W has brought all this chaos why should I be tipped upside down.

As someone few tiny steps further down the pipe... don't get caught on this too deeply. It roots nothing but resentment and entitlement on you.  And as you know, resentment is like drinking poison and hoping the other person to die. And entitlement is not much better... You are entitled to feel you don't like what she is doing,  you are entitled to say you feel that way and you are entitled to try to reason with her and you are entitled to fight back. But thats about it and none of what you feel entitled does not necessary harbour any good.  It is her life too, and because she is running all on emotions (and zero logic), all you can do is step aside at some point (but where that point is all up to you, you do not have to roll over and die when somebody says).  So far you have given her a fair warning of consequences - and she has chosen to neglect it.   All you can do is work and protect your side of the street, but consider the expenses too. Make decisions with reason and logic; and don't let your emotions make you blind (reframing is the magic work if you want to go through this).  Approach this as 'when one door closes, another one opens'...   

My life is basically flipping upside down too.  Heck, it is pretty much becoming what many MLCrs desire....   If I wanted I could view that I'm basically losing everything I have spent the 20+ years.   But I choose not to.   Instead I opt to see this as beginning of new, possibly temporary stage that is gonna be an amazing adventure to try out something totally different than so far  And maybe the piece of rope and space that I'm giving to W allows her to face harsh consequences faster than otherwise...  I really like what Watcher wrote to Standing not so long back "This is all about you surviving her crisis.  This is not about her surviving her crisis." (or like I pondered on my own story - you are being laid off.  You should not worry how the factory is doing, you should worry how you are doing).  So right now do what is required for you to a) survive and b) then thrive. 

If my W someday reaches the end of all this and desires to look back, then the only person she can look for all the mayhem and destruction... is gonna be herself. But if and when that happens, and if I'm still around and available...  I have no idea, and I really should not build my life based on putting everything I have on stasis.   Like the vets teach:  'stand and move on' or 'don't stand and move on' - it's all up to you.
 
Alvin.
  • Logged
« Last Edit: July 14, 2020, 09:34:24 PM by AlvinTheMaker »
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years
Me: 43, W: 41 (Acts 20-25) - a low energy live-in wallower
BD ("I don't love you"): Feb 2019, 
BD2 ("I don't want to fix this marriage."... D filed May 2020
Kids (at time of BD): G19,G18,G14,G12,S5

*** Every person on the planet is like you - a human being, most likely doing the best they can. Some are just more in control of themself than others ***
*** There are things you control and things you can't control, but what you can control is your attitude towards things you can't control. ***
*** You're not going to master the rest of your life in one day. So relax. Master the present day. Then just keep doing that every day. ***
*** Without trust fear is the only possibility. Place your trust in your own wings. ***

  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 39
  • Gender: Female
  • Reconfiguring....
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#67: July 14, 2020, 09:30:57 PM
@Benson

I agree with what @LBS_Les said: most MLCers cannot really seem to comprehend things like that as they are constantly acting in a state of confusion. What makes it hard to accept an MLCer's state is when they start to-for brief moments-act like the sane version of the spouse you once knew, which you mentioned happened. But that person sort of gets taken hostage ( I think they call it Prisoner on here) by Monster, which is the phase she's going into ( Replay). Sometimes you'll see Prisoner come out and act remorseful and genuinely scared and confused, which she really truly is. I remember seeing my H act like this and I felt so sad and terrible for him. He was struggling so much and was depressed at times...until Anger hit and then Monster came out. There went the kind man I knew and he was replaced by a cowardly, deceitful human that viewed me as trash and literally got rid of all my posessions. He deemed ONLY the OW and her family worthy, and occasionally, our daughter. But D not that much.

I agree regarding you getting some sort of legal seperation agreement. Protect yourself and the kids, prioritize self-care ( and care for the kids of course, and also encourage them to vocalize their feelings and what they need in order to process what's happening). Detach as much as possible

You're doing a great job!! I wish I could have remained as calm as you are, when my H began his crisis. I was an emotionally wreck, and so confused and terrified. Keep doing what your doing!
  • Logged
H born in 80
I was born in 83
Started dating in 2004; both felt we were soulmates & kept that feeling for 14 yrs
Married H 2006
D born in 2008
H entered MLC in late 2017
Replay started 2018
H moved out in April 2018; was supposed to be gone a month & focus on getting rest; he instead started an affair w/ 21 yr old waitress
H tricked me into moving internationally to stay w/my Mom in June 2018; he abducted our daughter for a YEAR in a desp attempt to cover up the affair

OW seems to be masterminding everything in his life and looks like she wants a green card.
Little to no contact with MLCer but he encouraged me to file for divorce
What's helping me:
meditation, reading/listening to audiobooks

B
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 39
  • Gender: Male
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#68: July 15, 2020, 04:09:12 PM
Hi Guys

Some great advice from all of you. I do agree re the finances i5 does feel like a conversation that is only happening on the  surface. It feels like an MLCer almost enjoys the game and the turmoil and that don’t want to resolve anything. Unless of course the resolution is completely 100% in their favour.  Alvin made some good points about resentment and I don’t want to get too caught up in that vibe. I do need to recreate myself as the fun dad and not be pictured as the sad stick in the mud boring guy.

I will try and work on my new character

Very stable and calm for the kids

Happy and upbeat with some activities to do for myself

Unflappablecwith the wife’s demands but watching the finances closely

Buy some new clothes and get to the gym

All that in the middle of increasing covid break outs is tricky but let’s give it a whirl.

BAM  although my S 17 has expressed loads of support and emotionally has been in my corner.. he gets that his mums new behaviour doesn’t fit with her age.. My daughter 15 however has expressed to me that she understands mums story that she has given so much of herself to the family or the two kids in particular that it is fair that she has fun now and gets happy.  I don’t think she understands that the happiness will come at the price of completely destroying our once happy family.  I don’t wan5 to  push my daughter on that and I think I will allow her to watch more strange behaviour to inform her overall opinion.

What do you think.?   Should I explain to my S the reading and research that I have been doing on MLC?  Or just allow this to play out and let the two kids observe the differences. I read the comments each night or morning and they are helping  education, inform and keep me calm so that you.
  • Logged

5
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 51
  • Gender: Female
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#69: July 15, 2020, 05:11:11 PM
Benson, AlvinTM,  BritAM, well said with everything you say.  I wonder if i could be as determined as you are if it was not that my H only contacts me through infrequent texts.  BD 5/19 left 12/19.  Pretty sure there is an OW but i cannot prove that.  After the first three months of utter confusion on my part I just started detaching.  I really do not want to hurt and i cannot control what he does.

Benson, as i told you before i have adult children but the mother hen in me will forever want to protect.  However the coward in me says thank goodness i do not see what H is doing.  Although he gave his passwords to his bank account and credit card I don't want to know where he has been or what he is doing.  H broke my heart and although i am not going anywhere i really don't know how i will feel if he chooses to return.
  • Logged

5
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 51
  • Gender: Female
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#70: July 15, 2020, 05:43:58 PM
Benson, i did not see your post before I sent my last post.  But i have three adult children and as i told you before my oldest does NOT buy into MLC.  She is very angry at her Dad right now and they are mirror images of each other.  They think a like and act alike.  I am calm and since the first three months after BD i don't cry in front of them or discuss my feelings regarding their Dad unless they ask.  I have jumped in with both feet to research and ask questions about this MLC PHENOMENON.  I have shared everything i know and learn with my children.  But i do believe the relationship they have with their Dad affects how they process and use the material i share.  As i said my oldest D38 who is exactly like her Dad, although they butted heads while she was growing up, calls BS on MLC.  My second D32 is the logical one of the three and studying to be a nurse she understands the possibilities but it still hurts.  For my S31 his Dad is his hero, he told me that his Dad was everything S31 ever wanted to be.  They are all confused and are unveiling this MLC and the hurt it's causing in their own way.

 Guess my point is you know your children best and should educate yourself and them in a way you believe they can handle and process the info.  I believe if you provide the tools to help them understand it will make it easier on you.  Your children are young and fragile.  I have heard children are resilient but i believe what they see while they are young they never forget.
  • Logged

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 3823
  • Gender: Female
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#71: July 15, 2020, 07:01:38 PM
My opinion is to let the children work it out for themselves. To an extent, anyway. Both of my kids are all about not being mad at anyone and it's ALLLLL OK. Hurts like I can't tell you, but they are both over 18 and get to make their own choices. I don't dwell on it, but sometimes something happens that is like another slap in the face. Welcome to the real world where you don't always get what you want.  :P 

They both know how I feel, they don't know the whole story and I will only tell what is asked of me. They both DO know. because I have said so in no uncertain  terms, if either of them does anything like that to a significant other, I will kick them around the  moon (figuratively speaking, of course). I will not be the " Oh, that's ok, you deserve to be happy" mother, but I wouldn't have been that person anyway. It's not how I was raised. You own what you do, you do the absolute best you can, and if it still doesn't work out, OK. That happens.

So back to your kids, these are good conversation opportunities. When your D says she  "understands mums story that she has given so much of herself to the family or the two kids in particular that it is fair that she has fun now and gets happy", you might ask her "So, we've never really had this conversation. What does marriage mean to you? What do you think being a parent means? I'd like to hope I have taught you X, Y and Z. How do you feel about that?" or you might say" You do? I don't, can you explain it to me, because I thought we were having fun as a family, so I must have missed something." Then listen, because my kids saw their father circling the drain long before I did.

Because when my D23 said "people just fall out of love", I internally hit the roof, and externally said "When you decided that *xboyfriend* was not for you, did you yell at him for three days? Did you tell him you should never have met him? Did you gaslight him, lie to him or lie about him to everyone?" and she looked at me and said "Of course not!" I said, " Did you decide you had never been happy with him and that all the good times you had weren't really good at all?" D just shook her head. I said, "There is a difference between falling out of love, or finding you don't have enough common ground to stay together and rewriting all of your history so you can justify ignoring honor, integrity, loyalty and morals, all while blaming the other person for your own issues. Don't ever mistake one for the other. One leaves with sorrow that it didn't work, the other leaves with confusion or cruelty and glee at their cruelty."  D is still amazed when I talk about past events that her father and I participated in. She does not understand why he wouldn't remember that. I have pictures. It happened. It was fun, He was smiling. I know, I was such a horrible human being I MADE him have fun and smile. Had to have been  my fault. But I digress.

S21 is another story altogether. He wants to pretend it's all normal. That kid has no choice but to end up in his own MLC if he can't get his head out, but he lives with his father right now. His choice. Nothing I can do. It's really sad for me to watch. But every so often there is still a teaching moment that isn't a shove it down his throat moment. I have to wait for that..."opportune moment" and make the most of it when it happens. Like when S let it slip about his Dad's girlfriend (which I had already figured out) and I said "Does she treat you well?" (It really was the only thing I cared about) and his response? "She has questionable morals." I asked him if she treated him well and his response was about questionable morals. How does that even equate?  I asked him how he felt about that and I got the standard "I don't know." I said "At least you are learning what doesn't seem right to you. It's good to know your own morals are still there."

Kids don't get cooked until they are about 25, IMO. Be there for them. You don't have to be "I'm so happy!!!!" all the time. Be you, be real. Have good days and bad ones, just like real people do.

All this is MOO. Your mileage may vary. Most people's mileage does.
  • Logged
« Last Edit: July 15, 2020, 07:04:24 PM by OffRoad »
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 39
  • Gender: Female
  • Reconfiguring....
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#72: July 15, 2020, 07:22:46 PM
@5hilmerton

MLC is truly brutal for the LBS and one's kids. After the NIGHTMARE my D and I endured over the past two or so years, I'm taking solace in the fact I don't usually get emails or contact from H, and ( THANK YOU GOD) he doesn't live in the country. At least, not yet. He appears to have a plan to bring the OW over ( more like it's her plan to get a green card) and all of a sudden, I got an email from him trying to get me to file for divorce. I also found out that literally everything I owned and collected ( pre MLC) is gone.

This is oddly enough the action that helped me emotionally detach the most, because the old H-the one I was with for 14 or so years- new VERY well how much some of my belongings meant to me. I collect certain things, and I don't have the ability/funds to buy them again. He and I actually both collected them together. This showed me that he's gone. No empathy chip, no sanity, no real plan ( I'm sure OW is the one with the plan).

I do believe in MLC but I personally think that the percentage of people who come out of the tunnel transformed and renewed may be a heck of a lot smaller than we think. Just my opinion and I hope I'm wrong.

I'll probably never get over how he turned on me and essentially destroyed my life and did cruel things. I look forward to getting the paperwork over with ( hard for me to confront doing but he's insisting I do it by this weekend....again, everything is for the MLCer and their benefit, and we just don't exist or matter to them)

I wanted to mention also I think MLC is a lot more common than mainstream society knows. I spoke with my paralegal and he told me his exW went through a crisis, very similar to MLC. He said one day they were holding hands, walking their youngest to school, and LITERALLY the next day, he was served divorce papers and found out she was indeed cheating.

She ended up marrying the man and took one of their kids to Asia ( which is where I lived before H convinced me to move in with my mom in Portland) for a few years. Anyhow, turns out the OM was abusive. She eventually left him.

My paralegal told me that he too went through unfathomable emotional pain and was equally as stunned and felt heartbroken, and he swore he'd never get married again.

22 years later, he's still with his wife and happy. Meanwhile, his ex is alone, and has admitted she regrets what she did. The kids are cordial with her but will never forget what she did.

I don't know how all of a sudden I'm finally able to detach, but I'm so grateful for it. I'm a HIGHLY emotional person, and I swear this whole thing almost killed me. My paralegal said he too has never experienced pain like what his ex put him through. But the good news is that their appears to be life and happiness after we LBSs recover and heal from the trauma we've endured.

On another note, I don't read my H's emails anymore bc it triggers me too much. I have someone else read them and then relay the information so I can try and respond calmly and take out my usual emotion, and not confront him. I did stand up for myself in my last email from him where he tried to make me file by the weekend...when the MFer just told me a week ago he wanted us to finally file.

@Benson It's a good idea to emotionally detach and not react, but don't repress emotions either. Can you get counceling or talk to a friend? I spent the first few months post bomb drop talking to friends pretty much all day, to both express my pain and frustration.
  • Logged
H born in 80
I was born in 83
Started dating in 2004; both felt we were soulmates & kept that feeling for 14 yrs
Married H 2006
D born in 2008
H entered MLC in late 2017
Replay started 2018
H moved out in April 2018; was supposed to be gone a month & focus on getting rest; he instead started an affair w/ 21 yr old waitress
H tricked me into moving internationally to stay w/my Mom in June 2018; he abducted our daughter for a YEAR in a desp attempt to cover up the affair

OW seems to be masterminding everything in his life and looks like she wants a green card.
Little to no contact with MLCer but he encouraged me to file for divorce
What's helping me:
meditation, reading/listening to audiobooks

  • *
  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 686
  • Gender: Male
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#73: July 15, 2020, 11:13:55 PM
I agree with BAM about getting counseling if you can. If your work has an EAP (Employee Assistance Program) now is a good time to take advantage of it. Just being able to talk through things with another person with an outside perspective was really helpful for me.

About talking to the kids... I'll say that what you DO is going to be way more important than anything you SAY. I advise just being calm and supportive of them. If they see you being OK, it will help them feel OK.

In my case, I never talked to my kids about all that happened. If they were to ask I would answer truthfully, but they've never asked. I never told them about xW's affairs, for example. I'm not suggesting you keep secrets; just telling you what I did. Yes, it bothers me sometimes that they don't know everything that xW put me through and I suspect she's given them some disinformation. I suspect some day they will ask about what happened, but right now they are getting on with their lives and my relationship with them has been great. That's been my experience. Your mileage may vary.
  • Logged
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2: 2018 - FA
W moved out - June 2019
OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019
Divorce final - September 2019
Card-carrying member of the Iffer Party

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11537.new#new

B
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 39
  • Gender: Male
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#74: July 17, 2020, 10:30:24 PM
Hi Everyone
I am getting a lot from your feedback. Most days I am reading each of your threads also to get more of an understanding and connection to you guys. The behaviour similarities are incredible. The hard part is knowing how bad things will likely get, you are giving me a roadmap of the future. I don’t believe anyone in W s family is seeing any of this. My emotionally intelligent S 17 is the only other person watching this play out. My beautiful 15 yo daughter is sweet and nice so see M having fun now as totally fine. She doesn’t understand the gravity of breaking our vows, breaking our family or the financial caos this is causing.

It’s a bit like having a new favourite on Netflix that you can’t tell anyone about. Would Ws Mum who was a big parts of wife’s childhood pain be up for fixing things now? I don’t think so just in shock but acceptance of the I don’t love him anymore.

I am reading through everyone’s thread who is giving feedback and I think you are all incredible. Not many who are well along the healing stage would come back get I. The dirt and keep giving. I almost wonder as people with care and emotional intelligence if people like us are often the perfect MLC targets or victims.  By caring a lot if does make us all more vulnerable

I am going to stick with the reading , the plan and the healing . Who knows may even get to buy some if you a coffee in future days when COVID goes and Aussie to USA in reality. I have visited 40 states in the USA as a young traveller and I liove your co  in country . It is the home of big dreams and hopefully all of our horizons will look better down the track.

Thankyou
  • Logged

  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 888
  • Gender: Male
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#75: July 18, 2020, 12:27:01 AM
She doesn’t understand the gravity of breaking our vows, breaking our family or the financial caos this is causing.

... and it's not your daughter or son's job (but they will learn some from the experience).  They are your kids, and you can only be the rock and the lighthouse in this storm.

You focus on saving you (as a human, as a father, as a financial caretaker of yourself and your kids), and you look after your kids to best of your abilities.

Let you W focus on saving herself (as a human, as a mother, as a financial caretaker of herself and her kids), and let her look after her kids to best of her abilities.

The kids do not have to choose between the two of you, but they can and may (and that is something where for example emotional and financial stability may play a role, so you want to be best of you and you can also let it show [call it 'parental marketing 'or whatever, LOL]).  Just stick with your true values and truth, and show you love them, and you will do well. 

When the storm passess (and looking at it from where I am now, it can be decade or two from now, or it can be just few years away), and when everybody makes to the other side (and it will happen eventually), it's gonna be an all new situation.    Just like you would have been in real world storm on the sea, and you have been pulled and drifted apart.  You two either start a new life where you are (because it's a big wide ocean and finding each other is gonna be way harder than catching new fish), or she comes looking for you (be the lighthouse, and she will know where to find you).

I think it's Thunder who's written time and again the advice "take this as multi-year holiday".  Improve yourself, enjoy your life, move on if necessary or opportunity knocks....  what you see in this depends largely on the glassess you are wearing.    You have the power to take off the "doom and gloom" goggless and replace them with "survive and thrive" goggless. 

Alvin.
  • Logged
« Last Edit: July 18, 2020, 01:03:41 AM by AlvinTheMaker »
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years
Me: 43, W: 41 (Acts 20-25) - a low energy live-in wallower
BD ("I don't love you"): Feb 2019, 
BD2 ("I don't want to fix this marriage."... D filed May 2020
Kids (at time of BD): G19,G18,G14,G12,S5

*** Every person on the planet is like you - a human being, most likely doing the best they can. Some are just more in control of themself than others ***
*** There are things you control and things you can't control, but what you can control is your attitude towards things you can't control. ***
*** You're not going to master the rest of your life in one day. So relax. Master the present day. Then just keep doing that every day. ***
*** Without trust fear is the only possibility. Place your trust in your own wings. ***

  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 39
  • Gender: Female
  • Reconfiguring....
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#76: July 18, 2020, 01:12:36 AM
Benson,

I know how hard it can be to not only be going through this but then to read stories of how cruel MLCers can be and how low they can go. It can truly be unfathomable what they do, but it doesn't mean your W may go the extreme route some do ( Like my H, soon to be XH sadly). She's in a state of total confusion and cycling emotions right now, and as Alvin said, it's her job now to worry about herself. You focus on you and your wonderful kids, and find as much support as you possibly can.

Things somehow work out for the best. Sometimes it's not the way any of us thought it would be. Sometimes we go through horrible trials and are hurt by the people we love most. I don't know how I'll even be able to see my H again without feeling immense pain and sadness, but ( hopefully) that will be in a few years, meanwhile D and I will continue to flourish here in our new home. We have a tremendous support system, far beyond what we had in Thailand. There is an incredible music scene here ( I love electronic music like synthwave) so it made it easy for me to 'get a life'. My daughter is surrounded by family and so many friends, it's incredible.

So while we have had horrible heartbreak and pain, we also have the other things that we didn't have back in Thailand. Alot of things, actually. Much more stability. I still feel hurt and days can be rough. I still think about the memories he and I shared. I'm still confused and broken. But I do have hope now!

Focus as much as you possibly can on prioritizing your self care, kids, and finances. And yes, I'd love to grab coffee someday!
  • Logged
H born in 80
I was born in 83
Started dating in 2004; both felt we were soulmates & kept that feeling for 14 yrs
Married H 2006
D born in 2008
H entered MLC in late 2017
Replay started 2018
H moved out in April 2018; was supposed to be gone a month & focus on getting rest; he instead started an affair w/ 21 yr old waitress
H tricked me into moving internationally to stay w/my Mom in June 2018; he abducted our daughter for a YEAR in a desp attempt to cover up the affair

OW seems to be masterminding everything in his life and looks like she wants a green card.
Little to no contact with MLCer but he encouraged me to file for divorce
What's helping me:
meditation, reading/listening to audiobooks

  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 888
  • Gender: Male
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#77: July 18, 2020, 02:39:47 AM
I love electronic music like synthwave ....

Totally off topic ...

BAM...  I'm in the club too  ;)   As is Standing Strong if I recall correctly  :o

One of those things I hope/await from new life is reviving my love for electronica to full  (STBXW never really liked that kind of music or mixes I made for fun).   And I want to dance my heart out with it too  (old ravers never stop I think LOL)  :)

Sorry for hijacking the topic, Benson.... But see, there is joy in GAL.   Go after the stuff that you loved.   If it doesn't feel good right now that is okey too. But when you get into right mood, the spark will come.

Alvin.
  • Logged
« Last Edit: July 18, 2020, 02:52:48 AM by AlvinTheMaker »
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years
Me: 43, W: 41 (Acts 20-25) - a low energy live-in wallower
BD ("I don't love you"): Feb 2019, 
BD2 ("I don't want to fix this marriage."... D filed May 2020
Kids (at time of BD): G19,G18,G14,G12,S5

*** Every person on the planet is like you - a human being, most likely doing the best they can. Some are just more in control of themself than others ***
*** There are things you control and things you can't control, but what you can control is your attitude towards things you can't control. ***
*** You're not going to master the rest of your life in one day. So relax. Master the present day. Then just keep doing that every day. ***
*** Without trust fear is the only possibility. Place your trust in your own wings. ***

B
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 39
  • Gender: Male
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#78: July 21, 2020, 04:32:27 PM
Hi Alvin

All cool re hijacking post. I take your point about GAL as I have rejoined the gym this week and planning to do a few classes. The stress has already stripped a few kilos off so I am working on me and focussed.

Sounds like the music is also a great interest for you and D BAM. Great to have a common interest with the kids I am manager of my 15 D netball team this year which just means scoring and a few basic info emails. Will give her and I a few hours of connect most weeks atleast.

Opinion Guys.  When in a relatively sane mood the other night W suggest the idea of birdnesting as in leaving the kids in the house and renting a unit that her and I alternate in and out week by week.

I still think as the reliable and stable parent who’s not acting 17  I should stick to my guns and tell her that if you want out of what we have here you should move out.

Love seeing my kids and animals every single day and I am not seeking FUN or CHANGE. Maybe some fun but not in the overt teenage way that W is chasing.

One of my concerns is that if I go missing week by week at this stage I will have no idea whAt the $$$ and lack of adult support for my teens will look like.

How are you guys going this week?
  • Logged

5
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 51
  • Gender: Female
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#79: July 22, 2020, 04:04:19 AM
Hello Benson,
Process Engineer in me asking; who would pay for for the additional unit and costs to maintain?  Reminds me of when my oldest D was a TEENAGER, she came to me and said she was ready to move out on her own.  She said she and her friend wanted to get an apartment together.  So i said ok put a plan together and let me see how you will manage.  She went off and when she came back she handed me her plan.

Her friend and her would save enough money to look for a place ????
Mom and Dad would pay her half of their rent
She would eat, wash her clothes and food shop at home at Mom and Dads house.
I laughed and said "NO DEAL". I told her we would not pay for her to be irresponsible.  However if she could support herself she was certainly old enough to do so.

I guess our MLC'rs think we should support their exploration of their youth.  I know we cannot control them and to some extent we do support their craziness for individual reasons.  But i truly believe you should not penalize yourself and the remaining stability of your children.

Yes stick to your guns you are the stable parent and she does NOT deserve enablement.  Live your life in the best way you can with your beautiful children. As I understand the requests and actions will only get more bizarre.

  • Logged

  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 888
  • Gender: Male
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#80: July 22, 2020, 04:38:14 AM
Opinion Guys.  When in a relatively sane mood the other night W suggest the idea of birdnesting as in leaving the kids in the house and renting a unit that her and I alternate in and out week by week.

Oh, I've heard this talk....   A question: how would this benefit you?  And it what ways would this be bad for you?  Do not think of parenting, do not think how it will affect kids, do not think how it allows you to control situation.  Think of you.  What would the benefits of this be for you personally?  Write the reasons down. Then score each of the reasons (say 1-5pt per item), and do the math between pros and cons.  If one was clearly better than other you'd likely know the answer intuitively, but they are likely of very similar value to you, which is why you struggle to decide.   

As hindsight.... the advice I would give....    If you think about flirting, dating, basically any healthy relationships -  they are to large extend about trade. If she asks for something that involves your commitment and pushes you out of comfort zone, then you ask something of equal investment from her before jumping through the hola-hoop.   Make no  demands,  just keep it light and fun and playful.... because in the end you have got nothing to lose  - if she does something silly you really cannot prevent her from doing so;   if she accepts your proposal then you are having positive interaction with her and both of you get something both want... hope I explained myself well.

Alvin.
  • Logged
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years
Me: 43, W: 41 (Acts 20-25) - a low energy live-in wallower
BD ("I don't love you"): Feb 2019, 
BD2 ("I don't want to fix this marriage."... D filed May 2020
Kids (at time of BD): G19,G18,G14,G12,S5

*** Every person on the planet is like you - a human being, most likely doing the best they can. Some are just more in control of themself than others ***
*** There are things you control and things you can't control, but what you can control is your attitude towards things you can't control. ***
*** You're not going to master the rest of your life in one day. So relax. Master the present day. Then just keep doing that every day. ***
*** Without trust fear is the only possibility. Place your trust in your own wings. ***

B
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 39
  • Gender: Male
Hi All,

Alvin the line about being a lighthouse  for my kids is a great one and I have thought about that each day since you posted that comment.

The  $$$$$$$$$  these entitled MLC ers chew through is hilarious.. NOT REALLY

My  W has always been relatively conservative or at least put the money away for extra agent holiday or things that the family would get benefit from. But this new person sleeping in the nicest room in the house my old bedroom in the good ole days  is  chewing through the cash fast.  I am fortunate to earn reasonable money but I have the feeling that my newly born MLC wife thinks she is in House Wives of Beverly Hills. I read all the warnings here and in other spots online as I started googling MLC etc but I now see its all true.

I have always been so chill about money.  If I see the w and kids are well dressed and have smiles on their faces that’s been enough for me. But times they are a changin.  I was always the last to update my wardrobe but this week I went out and bought two new suits and a nice jacket as I am getting sick of watching the narcissistic self focus of W.  Next months pay I think I will have no choice but to have that sent to my newly established account. Naturally I will continue to pay mortagage , school fees and all major expenses but W spending is scaring me and I have to plan for the kids.

It’s really does feel like I am in a bad dream.  Today was 384 at the hair dresser the day before it was new boots for 250 and prior to that’s 1000s in PayPal transfers for clothes because the old ones don’t fit with the MLC weight loss stress head plan. I have been; patient and calm for first 6-7 weeks but I think it is time to push back. It’s feels like a real game of cat and mouse and probably shows me that the boundaries have been way too loose for a long time and now they are being stretched daily to test or even punish me for my perceived crimes of not seeing HER .  As I said I would almost find this spending amusing but the money will run out and my kids ar the ones who will suffer.

One Good Thing From This

Atleast this gives me total and complete clarity about what this is . I think in the first week or so as the LBS you feel so deflated and bruised that you have a lot of self doubt. My W blamed me for all sorts of crazy things going back to not desiring her one night on our honeymoon 19 years ago. But this spending and a number of other behaviours like the act 17 and go partying  are taking my self doubts away and all is clear.

I have a W who is classic MLC  and I know I must do the following

Separate this MLC person from my wife as she is truely in crisis
I must have gratitude for the girl my wife was and the mother she was/ kinda is for 18 years
I must protect my family and our finances  regardless of how hard she pushes back
I must realise that her internal issues and struggles are manifesting in spending sprees . But even if this helps her pain it is not fair on me or the kids so I have to give her leadership on this front.

My Daily Mantra

Stay in my house
Set an example for my kids
Have gratitude for the old W who is still in there somewhere
Set form and clear boundaries for the monster / Satan wife who has arrived.
Remember this is not not monopoly $$$$ this is real $$$$


Thanks for letting me rant guys  :-\
  • Logged

D
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 489
  • Gender: Male
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#82: July 25, 2020, 05:23:34 AM
I received the same "I just want to be SEEN" comments many times as well as pretty much everything you are describing.  I wish I had the fortitude to stay in my house.  You are doing great!
  • Logged
M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.
12/16/19  She files financial paperwork.  Divorce proceeding.

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 10340
  • Gender: Female
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#83: July 25, 2020, 09:54:59 AM
Someone else said on another thread that they wish I was wrong about something I said about her situation, but also felt a strange reassurance that it proved to be the case. We all come here believing 'but my w/h would NEVER do....'....and then we learn that they might. Or do  ::) those of us a bit further down the path have no special wisdom, we'd just seen more of the patterns play out in more stories I suppose.

In a weird way, there is a kind of predictability to some of those stuff, at least some of the time lol.
Yup, your bullet points are wise and your need to set somboundarirs to protect you no your kids from her. MLC stuff is sensible, Benson. She Ike won't like it much lol....darn those adult consequences are a buzz kill.....so you should probably expect some sadz, or abit of emotional manipulation or a dollop of rage, sorry  :P.....but hey, forewarned is forearmed right?
  • Logged
« Last Edit: July 25, 2020, 09:56:08 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

B
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 39
  • Gender: Male
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#84: July 25, 2020, 04:45:09 PM
Thanks Dis and treas

Thanks for your comments . It is strange that we really have to fight hard to stay in our own houses. The emotions are just so powerful and with kids I think it’s easy to think it will unseat them by staying.

I just feel that the monster in my wife needs leadership at the moment.  I have spent years being a passive supportive andvv CB loving spouse.  I have to change that character and lead like I do in my work life.. my kids need me to stand up and I need to stand up for mysrlf
  • Logged

  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 39
  • Gender: Female
  • Reconfiguring....
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#85: July 25, 2020, 06:53:33 PM
I agree Benson. Now is the time to lead by example because you, your kids, and even your wife need it. I'm trying really hard to do the same, for my daughter's sake. I'm riding the fine line of trying not to be an emotional wreck and also finalize my divorce and also try not to express anger or too much emotion with H because he doesn't care, he just wants our divorce to be over.

I know how hard it is to lead when you're feeling hurt and confused. Do the best that you can, and go easy on yourself. We LBSers are on a journey of self discovery and self advancement and have to be courageous and also loving.
  • Logged
H born in 80
I was born in 83
Started dating in 2004; both felt we were soulmates & kept that feeling for 14 yrs
Married H 2006
D born in 2008
H entered MLC in late 2017
Replay started 2018
H moved out in April 2018; was supposed to be gone a month & focus on getting rest; he instead started an affair w/ 21 yr old waitress
H tricked me into moving internationally to stay w/my Mom in June 2018; he abducted our daughter for a YEAR in a desp attempt to cover up the affair

OW seems to be masterminding everything in his life and looks like she wants a green card.
Little to no contact with MLCer but he encouraged me to file for divorce
What's helping me:
meditation, reading/listening to audiobooks

B
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 39
  • Gender: Male
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#86: July 26, 2020, 02:05:42 AM
All so true BAM. You know the hardest part about putting tough love in place on someone you never thought you would need to is actually doing it.
When you have subordinates in the work place the ones tha5 needs guidance have always been a bit naughty on the journey. The MLC H or W has often been a great partner and terrific parent and in the beginning I think us the LBS in probably the only one seeing the behaviour. I know for a fact that W friends are surprised I haven’t moved out to nake things easier for the kids . Little do they know that the kids will be badly impacted by wild spending and nights out late.  I am the guardian of our galaxy.  As silly s that sounds
  • Logged

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 3823
  • Gender: Female
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#87: July 26, 2020, 03:22:35 AM
Be careful of credit cards. If she has one, she may well max it out and depending on the laws where you live, you could be liable for half of it. My MLCER went through $20,000 in one month. Yes, twenty thousand. We had already split finances, but he was still using our old joint account, plus he had another account, so who knows what he spent from there. I had to warn him he was going to run out of money to autopay his credit card.

Lock down anything joint. Tell her you think it's best if you separate your personal expenditures. Because for you, it really is, imo.
  • Logged
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

B
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 39
  • Gender: Male
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#88: July 27, 2020, 04:53:05 AM
Hi Off Road ,
Wow 20 K is a good hit on the cards in a month . That must have been quite devastating.  My W gave me the flippant response that I have never. Watched the finances before and left it all to her so why the interest now?

Well that is maybe because you’ve crushed m6 heart and smashed outer little family into a million pieces .How about that MLC lady. I have always taken the attitude that as long as we have our bills paid I would always be quite chill about things but this stage does change everything. Why wouldn’t I look to the future and. Comment on extravagent and reckless spending...The demands just keep coming and it is like my W is in a completely different ego state and expects me to buckle in the hope of pleasing her.. This whole experience is so surreal to me at 50 after living quite a bit of life so heaven knows what my teenagers are thinking and how they are really processing this.  Best thing is that she is doing every single thing to text book MLC so at least I can plan ahead.
  • Logged

B
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 39
  • Gender: Male
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#89: August 02, 2020, 12:38:19 AM
Hi All,

Had quite a big day with W today. We had a fiery chat this morning about money. In our 19 years together we have had very few fiery chats about anything.... MAybe we should have had more as I have always just said yeah no problem.  I think you get the pattern of house to treat your spouse as a man from your dAd and my Dad was wonderful in every way but very much let MUm lead the dance...I have been similar in my marriage and always accomodating... At this point in MLC world and with nothing to lose I am acting much more like the leader I am at work and asserting m6 position with more force.

It started with a discussion about W car replacement as her car was recently written off in an accident... tha5 was days before EBD . Because of what happened the car will not be covered by insurance and we have a 34k debt. W simply wanted me to put my signature in another contract and replace exact car.  I said no and that we should be using cash to buy a cheaper car or if we use the cash as a deposit she can finance 5e new car.

W seemed stunned by that..

W also said tha5 she would need cash for legal representation t9 go through the financial separation. We have been separated but living in same house for 8 weeks now sine EBD.  I said n9 rush as I don’t intend to go anywhere until we are divorced... Actually coming out and saying that felt quite empowering. W said are you kidding you are happ6 to keep living like this for another ten months???? I replied well although I don’t get to live in the luxury room .. our old bedroom with tv. Onsuite.  Yes I am happy t9 see my kids eac( day and my dog and my kids..

So although I am in the spare room study and living like a back packer compared to W with her nice new MLC furniture I am making the best of the situation.  I have rigged up a belt so that I can hang my iPad from in like a small tv in a hospital room and connected to a remote blu tooth speaker so spare room is feeling more like home every day.  Despite the emotional pain that the partying MLC er is causing me I will take every single little exchange and minutes with my kids and count those blessing over the coming months.. I also feel that if I leave things could get even more chaotic..  After all I am the stable parent and I wasn’t looking for FUN,NEW.  They were her things and 8 can’t imagine they are found in the family home are they.?

She was ver6 angry with me this morn8ng as I also said tha5 her decision is go8ng t9 have generational impact on ou4 family and my 15 yo D heard that... I said sorry about that comment but in trut( I think these MLC ers need t9 know the pain the6 cause with their self focussed narcissistic behaviour.. 

Confused...??? Please help me with this part

She came back in the afternoon with a plan to finance own car and also seemed calmer.  Is she kind of pleased that I am staying so she has an audience or can try to control me? Or am I imagining that? She seems very frustrated that she can’t just push me out the door and has re written all of our history listing so many bad things I did during this seemingl6 horrible 19 years together?

The MLC W to MOnster swing is incredible to watch but luckily 8 had read all about i5 here and ready to accept,absorb and be strong..

So I stay in m6 house
Secure finances the best I can
Protect m6 kids hearts

I think the roller coaster is only just heading skyward before it picks up speed but my belt is on tight.


  • Logged

B
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 39
  • Gender: Male
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#90: August 08, 2020, 10:15:59 PM
Hi Everyone,

I have been reading many of your stories and as heartbreaking as so many are we do give each other a playbook. This week my wife seems very angry.. I have dropped the rope and I am avoiding contact. She on the other hand sends irritated texts.. trivial things like why didn’t you let me know that D 15 s netball turn up time has moved 10 mins back.. All parents got a group what’s app message but she is too consumed with MLC  behaviour to read it.. I just replied I am so sorry about that.   But it seems this week her anger with me seems emense in every way..

She is very angry with S17 also because he dared to ask why Dad should have to leave the home .. Her view is that she is the primary career and  whatever the reason for a breakup the career should stay. 

What are your expenses with regards to in-laws?

I had a great relationship with W parents for last 18 years but she has barred me from all events birthdays,dinners everything.
I have the feeling that maybe she is tellin* them some lies about things I am doing to make them hate me. They have seen my generosity and love towards their Daughter for 18 years so I am confused and wondering what they really think..

I have the feeling now we are about 9 weeks into this nightmare my kids are getting more affected by it. Particularly my S who is challenging his mum about her partying and staying away overnight at friends.. These MLC ers really are destructive narcissistic and dramatic..

Thoughts on in-law relationships would be great ..???

Thanks as always I appreciate you all
  • Logged

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 10340
  • Gender: Female
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#91: August 09, 2020, 12:21:53 AM
Quote
I just replied I am so sorry about that.   But it seems this week her anger with me seems emense in every way..

First of all, I want to remind you that you are just a couple of months into this. We learn by trial and error as LBS, I think, and imho you are doing pretty well for early days. But it's hard. And part of what makes it hard is unpicking our old habits of behaving as part of a We and caring about what the other person thinks and feels....and then training ourself into some new habits that are a healthier fit for the reality of the situation. We all make mistakes as we do that, Benson, and the 'new normal' doesn't' feel normal at all does it?

What I'd like to remind you is that currently there is no We. Your wife's choice to fire you from the husband job. Which means her feelings and opinions and wants are just not your business in the way they used to be. Your w seems to have a flavour of 'well, I want x so Benson (and everyone else) should do that'.....and then gets angry when you/others have a different POV. The car was just one example. Her attitude to you moving out, buying her out or the nesting idea....more of the same, as is her spending.....essentially it sounds as if your w wants everything else to stay the same but for you to just magically disappear other than as a source of finance or practical back up when she wants to demand that. Errrr, nope....that is not how life works when you decide to end your m and family life is it? And it really isn't your job (as a fired husband lol) to apologise for or soften the practical consequences of her choice on her life. Consequences aren't punishment (and it isn't your job to unleash them vindictively either  :) ) but they are the reality of cause and effect.

So imho I would not have said sorry about her not reading the What's App text. You may have meant it in the sense of 'sorry you feel that way' acknowledgement but I suspect as an angry person she read it as you accepting responsibility. Better to ignore it or reply once with a factual thing e.g. It was on a general What's App message. After all, you are neither her h nor her personal secretary are you?  I don't know how her anger makes you feel....we all react to anger differently....but her anger is also not your responsibility to soothe and you can't nice her back by appeasing it. She is just angry....and you are a convenient object.....so remove yourself from being available as that.

PS if it helps, her behaviour is pretty common from an MLC w....I'm sure that other guys will chip in with their experiences of similar angry expectations from their wives that they should do x or y as a kind of 'half-husband'.

Which brings me to the in laws....
It isn't uncommon that inlaws distance themselves.....either bc they have been told lies about what is going on or bc they feel uncomfortable or bc they don't know what to do.
But it isn't your w's right to 'ban' you or anyone else from being in touch, even if she would prefer that you don't and might be angry with you all if you do.....she is only queen of the universe in her head after all  ::)
My advice is to ignore her and decide for yourself if you want to reach out to your in laws and what your wishes/expectations are in doing so. And if you are prepared for them to reject your approach or indeed for your wife to be very angry if you ignore her attempts to control you all.
Are you in touch with your own family, Benson? Is she? What is their take on it all if so? Not uncommon here that some LBS have been more close to their in laws than their own family sometimes....and that it can feel like another loss or rejection when that relationship changes too.

Which brings me back round to the 'have you seen a L' question i've asked a couple of times but haven't seen your reply....
I'm slightly confused about your situation......
Has your w told you that she wants an agreed 'informal' separation, or has she/you filed for a legal separation (if that is possible where you live) or is she/you filing for divorce?

Either way, imho you need legal advice asap on your options and the short/longer term consequences of your available choices.....you don't have to follow it but you need more facts than assumptions if that makes sense. Bc the law, and your rights and obligations, are not a function of what your w thinks they should be. (Which often seems to come as a bit of an unwelcome surprise to these MLC spouses lol)

If it helps, it is pretty clear that your w wants what she wants bc she wants it and thinks it is your job (and the kids job) to just drop into line and give her what she wants bc she wants it. (Was your w a selfish spoilt kind of woman before this?) And will alternate between being angry and shocked if that doesn't happen....well, as UM says, reality is such a buzzkill for a teenage MLCer  ::) Why does that help? Bc if you accept that, you will see that you need to stop being concerned about what she wants - and accept she will be angry anyway probably - and focus solely on what is in the legal, financial and emotional best interests of you and your children. Both now and for the next few years. That your job is to be a sane functioning stable adult with a home (whether this one or another) and money in the bank and a job and a life regardless of what your wife wants or does. So....you need legal objective advice on your options and liabilities, my friend, bc your wife simply does not care about that.

Jmo.
  • Logged
« Last Edit: August 09, 2020, 01:04:32 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 39
  • Gender: Female
  • Reconfiguring....
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#92: August 09, 2020, 01:15:48 AM
Benson,

It sounds like your W is between the anger and replay stages. I remember how my H would get so irritated about everything, he would sometimes hit the car or wall! And he was never an angry person. All he ever really said to me during that time were criticisms. I was relieved when he moved out as it was like stepping on eggshells around him. granted, I thought him moving out would be temporary and instead, replay hit.

Whatever she says-criticism or irritation wise- don't give too much thought to it or let it get to you. Also stand your ground ( like you're doing; you're doing a phenomenal job in letting her know she can't boss you around or make you leave your home) and just let her know -as calmly as you can- that you don't like how she's acting or treating you or the kids. They call this 'truth darts' I think.

Just remember this: you're doing a fantastic job ina difficult situation. The people we loved and married have turned against us, and it sucks. It hurts badly. I'm filing for divorce right now and every cold, to the point and emotionless email I get from H hurts badly. But still, I persist and am learning to accept myself and the situation.

Tell your kids over and over how loved they are and that their Mom is going through a mental health crisis, and that you're there for them whenever they need you.
  • Logged
H born in 80
I was born in 83
Started dating in 2004; both felt we were soulmates & kept that feeling for 14 yrs
Married H 2006
D born in 2008
H entered MLC in late 2017
Replay started 2018
H moved out in April 2018; was supposed to be gone a month & focus on getting rest; he instead started an affair w/ 21 yr old waitress
H tricked me into moving internationally to stay w/my Mom in June 2018; he abducted our daughter for a YEAR in a desp attempt to cover up the affair

OW seems to be masterminding everything in his life and looks like she wants a green card.
Little to no contact with MLCer but he encouraged me to file for divorce
What's helping me:
meditation, reading/listening to audiobooks

A
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 4226
  • Gender: Female
Re: Where Do I Start and what should I do
#93: August 09, 2020, 05:47:33 AM
Quote
I had a great relationship with W parents for last 18 years but she has barred me from all events birthdays,dinners everything....

I have the feeling now we are about 9 weeks into this nightmare my kids are getting more affected by it. Particularly my S who is challenging his mum about her partying and staying away overnight at friends.. These MLC ers really are destructive narcissistic and dramatic..

Thoughts on in-law relationships would be great

Hi Benson -

I had a very good relationship with my in-laws also.
When BD hit I could tell that they were more than confused.
Although I had not really shared the details of my H's crazy behavior with anyone up until that point, I felt it was important to speak with them to let them know the truth (as I knew it).

I called up my MIL and told her that I wanted to speak with MIL and FIL if that was possible.
I specifically stated that I wanted to do this alone - and without any other audience.
I took off from work mid-week and drove about 2 hours to see them.
I did this to insure that my H would be at work.

We sat down in the kitchen and I spent about 2 hours factually telling them what was going on.
I did not sugar coat things - I told the facts.
My FIL was horrified and asked if I thought my H was sick, or had a brain tumor.
My MIL kept silent.
When I left I hugged them and told them I loved them.  I knew it might be the last time I ever saw them. (I was right.)

In the end, my H continued with his affair with the OW.
He continued to to tell an revisionist history to anyone he could - especially friends.
I didn't feel the need to set the world straight.
Depending on who it was and the particular circumstances - I either shared some of the truth (just to set things straight) or I didn't.  But I felt that with my in laws - people who had been like my family - I owed them the truth.

I never heard from my in-laws until after the divorce (2 years later).
My FIL called me to tell me that both he and MIL were shocked and saddened.
That they loved me and did not understand their son.
That the entire affair with OW was unknown and a shock to them - as it had been to me.
And that they had always been very happy to have me as their daughter-in-law.
My xH and I had no children, so there was further contact with my in-laws.

But I am glad that I had the ability to speak truthfully to them.
I also think they appreciated hearing my side - independently from what their son was saying.

----

On a different note - I read through your posts and I have some suggestions for you.

1) find a professional therapist for your children and try to get them to go.
You can go as a family - or individually.
This situation is very dramatic and can leave lasting scars if not dealt with.
There is always grief, anger, fear etc in these situations - and often children can feel responsible - even though it is obviously not their fault.

2) Go to a lawyer and get a consultation about divorce.  I know that you are early into this mess and hope your wife will "pop out of the tunnel".  Unfortunately that is not the outcome most of the people on this forum have.  Planning early and getting good financial advice about how to protect your assets legally is imperative.  You do not need to tell your wife about this - in fact I would not suggest you mention it to anyone.  Just go to a lawyer and see what your legal rights are. Better to have a plan in place.

3) Finally - many LBSers have seen moments when our spouses seem recognizable to us briefly.
We see the "old H/W we used to know" usually when they are in a moment of confusion or despair and they seem like they are doubting their decisions. 
It is in these moments we hope they will realize all they are giving up for this dandy new life.
Sometimes they even say that have made a mistake and want to work on the marriage.

Be cautious - very very cautious with your heart and emotions in this situation.
So many times these MLCs do this - but their moment of regret is not followed through by true actions and real intent.

Often it seems these MLCers use the dangling carrot of reconciliation to buy more time, or cake eat.  Even though they are doing things that are totally destroying the marriage, they still avoid the divorce.
In my case my H initiated the divorce, was living with the OW for over a year - but dragged his feet for almost 3/4 of a year when all that was needed as a signature on agreement we had both come to. 
Can I explain why?  No.  But it is very common for MLCers to drag the whole separation divorce process on for years. 






  • Logged

  • *
  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 4012
  • Gender: Male
  • Back to being #1 for my daughters!!!!
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#94: August 09, 2020, 07:40:16 AM
Hello,

Welcome to the forum and so much you have written brings back my own story. Just know that this process takes a long time. While my story did not end with reconciliation, I look back and I see some of my own actions that could have been better.

1) Don't leave the house/home. From what I am reading, she is trying to control the situation by banishing you. If she can't handle the situation, she can leave. You have just as much right to be there as she does. If you leave, she will use your action as justification to everyone and especially herself that you were to blame. Once I left the house, that was the beginning of the end of the marriage. Different story and circumstances when I left after three years of MLC mess, but if you can stay-stay.

2) As far as the in laws go, that is your choice and control. As long as you are married, they are your in laws. This should be your first boundary. If she gets to come and go as she pleases, stays away from home for the weekend, then you can come and go as well including your in laws. She can huff and puff, but this is for your sanity. One action of a controlling personality is to cut you out from all of your relationships. From what I am reading, her monster is all about control and she calls the shots. You can't let her monster make you a doormat. Just remember that boundaries are about protecting your emotions and well being. They are not about teaching her a lesson or trying to "fix" her. 

3) Look after your children. Airmid and so many others have given you great advice. The advice to seek a therapist and legal are both great. I saw both and while it did not save my marriage, it helped save me.

Enjoy the rest of your weekend. I can't over emphasize taking good care of yourself. Self focus is not about "fixing" you as if there were problems that caused your situation. Instead it is about putting positive focus on the one person you can control and that is -you. Enjoy your children and enjoy them in the now. Be a man for your son and a good father to your daughter.

Keep posting and know you are doing well,

(((((Ready)))))
  • Logged
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

B
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 39
  • Gender: Male
Where Do I Start and what should I do
#95: August 10, 2020, 04:00:13 AM
Hi RTFM

Thanks for your caring message I appreciate it.. So many great people on here.  I think most of us seem to have high levels of emotional intelligence and cAre for other people.  Might be the reason we are perfect targets for our broken MLCErs with their childhood pain.. I will read your posts now we are mates and comments.

Thanks again I appreciate your wisdom and care.
  • Logged

 

Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.