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Author Topic: My Story Where Do I Start and what should I do

b
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My Story Where Do I Start and what should I do
#10: June 23, 2020, 05:44:07 PM
Welcome Benson!  Sorry your situation is so incredibly painful and shattering , we understand like few can. We have all had our spouses blindside us, re-write history and change into an unknown person and we come together here for shared wisdom , support and care . We are glad you found us !

Quote
Something that is critical to keep in your mind is that this is HER crisis, not yours. This crisis has NOTHING to do with either you or your marriage but rather with some issues form her past that have not been dealt with in a healthy manner. There is nothing that you can really do to influence the path her crisis takes, any more than you can influence the path of a tornado by standing outside, waving your arms and yelling at it.
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These are my words exactly , written in an excellent fashion by UrsaMajor. They are worth repeating ...over and over . This has NOTHING to do with you , not your marriage and not your family. I know that may well be difficult to believe ...especially if your spouse is blaming you . But the fact is ( and I think you mentioned this ) many believe it is unresolved childhood trauma or issues that need to be dealt with. Other things contribute as well, but I am a firm believer in this theory . I think you mentioned that her childhood was "complex" , perhaps you can tell us a bit about that?

You have received great advise so far , so not to repeat . Please keep posting, take great care of YOU and your kids , read everything and remember ...this is NOT your fault and not something you can control in any way shape or form. Trust me .
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Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

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Re: Where Do I Start and what should I do
#11: June 23, 2020, 06:08:06 PM
For the sake of your sanity try to avoid asking her questions as you will either get, "I don´t know" or an outright lie. The lies will eat at your soul and so it´s not worth asking.

There are very few people here whose spouses have not gotten involved in either an emotional or physical affair. To protect yourself, assume she´s had unprotected sex with someone else.

If you need sleeping aids or anti-anxiety meds to get you through the first month or so, go see your primary doc. Sleep is critical for your and your teens´well-being.

Try to get into a nature setting every day.

Learn breathing techniques for self-calming- inhale through nose for a count of 2, exhale through nose for a count of at least 3 or 4. If super overwhelmed, pinch right nostril shut and breathe only through left nostril. All that puts you into the para-sympathetic pathway.

This will get worse before it gets better, take far longer than you can imagine BUT- you will go from surviving to thriving.
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me 51
H 51
M 27
BD 1/15/ 10 then BD 8/21/10
D final 8/13

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Where Do I Start and what should I do
#12: June 23, 2020, 09:15:25 PM
I'm sorry you've found yourself in this awful scenario.  So many of us have been told we were never loved, our spouse has been miserable for years, their problems and unhappiness are caused by us, etc, etc, etc.  These MLCers like to rewrite history and project their issues on us.

This is your wife's problem and it has nothing to do with you.  Once you start reading the other stories here, you'll be shocked by how the stories are all so similar.
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~JustMe~
52
H 52
Married 25 years
4 kids @ home
BD 1- 5/2005 Moved out for 2 weeks
BD 2- 5/2011 Quit his job with no discussion, wanted to move across country without us but stayed & found a new job.
BD 3- 5/2016 Job transfer 2000 miles away, no discussion with me.
Returned- 8/2016.
BD 4- 9/2017  After telling me he no longer loved me, he started packing in the middle of the night.  I caught him & convinced him to stay.
BD 5- 1/2020  Told a series of lies.  Accepted job 2000 miles away& moved in with his dad.  Told me 36 hrs before leaving.  ILYBINILWY
No affair that I know of.
Calls 4-5 days/week. 
Started as monster on phone.  Has progressed to polite small talk about his work and sometimes the kids.
Still standing

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Where Do I Start and what should I do
#13: June 24, 2020, 02:29:23 AM
Quote from: Benson
U M the comments on the holidays are so true . How do you not enjoy a cruise to the Bahamas with your beautiful kids even if your secretly loathed husband was there as well.

Let me put this in perspective......

If you secretly loath eating liver and onions, would you eat liver and onions every day for years just to keep up appearances of "Happy Family?"

I seriously doubt it......

THAT is revisionist history and "alternative facts."
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Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

B
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Where Do I Start and what should I do
#14: June 28, 2020, 07:27:15 PM
Thanks UM,

That’s a great point about the Liver and Onions. I know deep down that most of our years have been great ones.
We have had some teenage issues with our two kids including a daughter with an eating disorder. My wife has been and is an incredible Mother but the rewriting of history bit is so true. We have never been fighters so had zero warning on the bomb drop.

My biggest question is whether I stay in the home or not. I have never been aggressive to wife or kids and I  am a gentle man.
With wife now taking any chance she can to go out with friends I think my stability is crucial in the family home. My mind set is to stay you have broken the family so you are the one that needs to leave the home. If she wants something new and different surely it won5 be found here in the nice comfortable home we have built together over almost 19 years.
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Where Do I Start and what should I do
#15: June 28, 2020, 08:14:24 PM
Hi Benson,

Sorry you have to go thru this, but you're with friends now.
No matter what, in the end: It will be ok.

On your question about leaving: Don't do it.
If she leaves you can't stop her. If you leave, she will think/say that you abandoned her/them. So don't leave.
Now is the time for strength, and it will be a long time.

You said that you're a gentle and kind man. Good!!! Keep it up. She will do things to hurt you, she will do things to test you. She will try to get a reaction out of you (when it occurs to her that you exist).

There's going to be so much coming at you nonstop for a while. Very important that you come let all your emotions out and ask questions. There are no dumb questions, so don't worry about that.

Oh, one thing that does help: When it seems so bad, remember you only need to get thru today. Try not to think about things as a whole or the future, or anything all encompassing like that. Just today. It will have enough in it all by itself.

-SS
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Together 25 years, M 22
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

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Where Do I Start and what should I do
#16: June 28, 2020, 10:48:27 PM
So sorry for what you're going through Benson but I'm glad you found us. I can't begin to tell you how much help this community has been to me.

I don't have much to add except to encourage you to post as much as you need to. Rant, vent, ramble, journal, whatever you need to do. It really helps to sort things out. And no matter how BSC you think your situation is, some folks here will understand and relate in ways only we can. Ask a lot of questions on your thread and comment on other peoples' threads if you are able.

This experience is going to change you. I myself had a really rough journey at times. But, four years post BD, I can honestly say it has changed me for the better. I'm now kinder, wiser, less judgmental and (believe it or not) happier.

Be good to yourself and stay in touch!
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"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2: 2018 - FA
W moved out - June 2019
OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019
Divorce final - September 2019
Card-carrying member of the Iffer Party

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11537.new#new

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Where Do I Start and what should I do
#17: June 29, 2020, 03:21:20 AM
On your question about leaving: Don't do it.
If she leaves you can't stop her. If you leave, she will think/say that you abandoned her/them. So don't leave.
Now is the time for strength, and it will be a long time.

You said that you're a gentle and kind man. Good!!! Keep it up. She will do things to hurt you, she will do things to test you. She will try to get a reaction out of you (when it occurs to her that you exist).

There's going to be so much coming at you nonstop for a while. Very important that you come let all your emotions out and ask questions. There are no dumb questions, so don't worry about that.

Oh, one thing that does help: When it seems so bad, remember you only need to get thru today. Try not to think about things as a whole or the future, or anything all encompassing like that. Just today. It will have enough in it all by itself.

THIS is VERY good advice..... I would change on minor detail and that is the last part... It may be that you'll need to reduce the time span to hours if the poop really smacks the rotational ventilator. This is an ultra-marathon, over which you have little to no control over anything outside of yourself.

However, on the subject of leaving the house, the answer is a simple and unequivocal NO.... MLCW wants out of the R, out of the marriage, wants to go out and party like a teenager.. Therefore she can move out, get her own apartment and live her own life... like a teenager.  The short version is, if MLCW wants out, then the door is free for her to exit but YOU are staying right where you are... She leaves, it is her choice and her consequences to deal with....

You have kids that need the stability of a stable, sane parent and a home in which there is a feeling of comfort and safety. They are going to need a strong shoulder at times and MLCW is NOT it.....
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Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

D
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Where Do I Start and what should I do
#18: June 29, 2020, 04:53:06 AM
On your question about leaving: Don't do it.
If she leaves you can't stop her. If you leave, she will think/say that you abandoned her/them. So don't leave.
Now is the time for strength, and it will be a long time.

You said that you're a gentle and kind man. Good!!! Keep it up. She will do things to hurt you, she will do things to test you. She will try to get a reaction out of you (when it occurs to her that you exist).

There's going to be so much coming at you nonstop for a while. Very important that you come let all your emotions out and ask questions. There are no dumb questions, so don't worry about that.

Oh, one thing that does help: When it seems so bad, remember you only need to get thru today. Try not to think about things as a whole or the future, or anything all encompassing like that. Just today. It will have enough in it all by itself.

THIS is VERY good advice..... I would change on minor detail and that is the last part... It may be that you'll need to reduce the time span to hours if the poop really smacks the rotational ventilator. This is an ultra-marathon, over which you have little to no control over anything outside of yourself.

However, on the subject of leaving the house, the answer is a simple and unequivocal NO.... MLCW wants out of the R, out of the marriage, wants to go out and party like a teenager.. Therefore she can move out, get her own apartment and live her own life... like a teenager.  The short version is, if MLCW wants out, then the door is free for her to exit but YOU are staying right where you are... She leaves, it is her choice and her consequences to deal with....

You have kids that need the stability of a stable, sane parent and a home in which there is a feeling of comfort and safety. They are going to need a strong shoulder at times and MLCW is NOT it.....

Couldn't agree more.   I left about a year after BD, despite all the advice not to.  In retrospect, it was a huge mistake, although I felt it was right for everyone involved.  We are trying to wrap up the divorce currently.  Very sad for myself and my D9.  Do whatever you can, lean on God, or therapy, or friends and family, but dont leave no matter what she throws at you.  I'll never know what might have happened had I stayed, but it "feels" like we could have outlasted it. 
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M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.
12/16/19  She files financial paperwork.  Divorce proceeding.

B
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Where Do I Start and what should I do
#19: June 29, 2020, 05:23:21 AM
Thanks everyone I am heartened by your support. Wife went very hard early with the push for me to leave.
I didn’t think I was wrong wanting to stay in the house that I not her put sizeable deposit into. Aside from that I am stable and reliable and I love every minute wit( bot( kids ,dog,cat and very the squawking birds. My biggest frustration is that no concerns were ever tabled so I had no chance to process this as a maybe. My vision was clear and that was walking hand in hand at our holiday place and watching our beautiful teens turn into adults and hopefully give us a few grand children one. day.

Adjusting to none of tha5 happening overnigh5/is a big MLCW bomb drop that is for sure.

I WiLL STAY IN HOUSE




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